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: The truth is, we're both frauds. Your ancestors never sent me, they don't even like me. But you risked your life to help people you love. I risked your life to help myself. At least you had good intentions.
[Cri-Kee chirps sadly at Mushu
: What? What do you mean you're not lucky? You *lied* to me?
[Cri-Kee nods sadly
: [to Mulan's horse
] And what are you, a sheep?
[Mushu is ordered to awaken the ancestors by the First Ancestor
: One family reunion comin' right up. Mushu
: [to the other ancestors while banging a gong
] Okay, people, people, look alive. Let's go. Come on. Get up. Let's move it. Rise and shine. Y'all way past the beauty sleep thing, trust me.
: My little baby, off to destroy people.
: Okay, let me see what you got. Mushu
: [reading Cri-Kee's note
] "From General Li. Dear Son, we're waiting for the Huns at the pass. It would mean a lot if you'd come and back us up." Hmm, that's great, except you forgot, "And since we're out of potpourri, perhaps you wouldn't mind bringing up some." *Hel-lo!* This is the army! Make it sound more urgent, please! You know what I'm talkin' about?
: What's your name? Mulan
: Uh... I, I, uh... Chi Fu
: Your commanding officer just asked you a question. Mulan
: Uh, I've got a name. Ha! And it's a boy's name, too. Mushu
: [whispering in Mulan's ear
] Ling. How 'bout Ling? Mulan
: [looking toward Ling
] His name is Ling. Shang
: I didn't ask for *his* name. I asked for *yours!* Mushu
: Try, uh, uh, ah, Chu. Mulan
: Ah Chu. Shang
: Ah Chu? Mushu
: Gesundheit. Mushu
] I kill myself. Mulan
: Mushu... Shang
: Mushu? Mulan
: No! Shang
: Then what is it? Mushu
: Ping! Ping was my best friend growin' up. Mulan
: It's Ping. Shang
: Ping? Mushu
: Of course, Ping did steal my girl...
[Mulan muffles him
: Yes, my name is Ping.
: All right! Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty! Come on. Hup, hup, hup! Get your clothes on. Get ready. Got breakfast for ya. Look, you get *porridge*...
[Porridge has a fried-eggs-and-bacon smile
: And it's happy to see ya.
[Cri-Kee pops up from the porridge
: [tossing Cri-Kee from the "porridge"
] Hey, get outta there! You gonna make people sick!
: My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armor.
[Mushu's eyes move towards Mulan's chest; she smacks him
: Oooh! All right, that's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family!
: Make a note of this: dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dis...
[Mulan covers his mouth with her hand
: Stop. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I've never done this before. Mushu
: Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. We clear on that? All right. Okey-dokey, let's get this show on the road! Cri-Kee, get the bags.
[to the horse, Khan
: Let's move it, heifer.
: [stuffing breakfast into Mulan's mouth
] No time to talk. Now remember, it's your first day of trainin', so listen to your teacher and no fightin', play nice with the other kids, unless, of course, one of the other kids wanna fight, then you have to kick the other kid's butt. Mulan
] But I don't wanna kick the other kid's butt. Mushu
: Don't talk with your mouth full. Now let's see your war face.
[Mulan looks at him with mouth full of porridge
: Ooh, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover. Come on, scare me, girl! Mulan
: Rrrgh! Mushu
: There! That's what I'm talking about! That's my tough-looking warrior girl! Now go out there and make me proud!
: My ancestors sent a little lizard to help me? Mushu
: Hey! Dragon. *Dra-gon*, not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing.
: My little baby's all grown up and... Mushu
] ... and savin' China. You have a tissue?
: Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I have to smell like one. Mushu
: So a couple of guys don't rinse out their socks. Picky, picky, picky. Well, myself, I kinda like that corn chip smell.
: [Mulan and Mushu escape back to shore from Yao, Ling, and Chin-Po
] Boy, that was close. Mushu
: No... Mushu
: [brushes his teeth
] That was vile! You owe me big.
[Mushu squirts more toothpaste in his mouth and brushes again
: I never want to see a naked man again.
[a big group of naked men run past them, laughing
: Hey, don't look at me, I ain't biting no more butts.
: Let's go kick some Hunny buns! Yee-ha!
[hoots and hollers
: Insubordinate ruffians! You men owe me a new pair of slippers! And I do not squeal like a girl.
[a panda eats his slipper; he squeals like a girl
: [disguised as a messenger riding the panda
] Urgent news from the General.
: What's the matter? Never seen a black-and-white before? Chi Fu
: Who are you? Mushu
: Excuse me? I think the question is, who are *you!* We're in a war, man! There's no time for stupid questions! I should have your hat for this, snatch it *right* off your head. But I'm feeling gracious today, so carry on before I report you.
: [at the waterhole
] Hey, Ping. Mulan
: Oh, hi, guys. I didn't know you were here. I was just washing, so now I'm clean, and I'm gonna go. Bye-bye! Ling
: Come back here! I knew we were jerks to you before, so, let's start over. Hi, I'm Ling. Chien-Po
: And I'm Chien-Po. Mulan
: Hello, Chien-Po. Yao
: [standing naked on a rock
] And I am Yao, king of the rock!
: And there's nuttin' you girls can do about it. Ling
: Oh, yeah? Well, I think Ping and I can take you. Mulan
: I really don't want to take him anywhere. Ling
: Ping, we have to fight. Mulan
: No, we don't. We could just... close our eyes... and - swim around... Ling
: [pulling on Mulan's arm
] Come on, don't be such a gir... Ouch! Something bit me! Mushu
: Ugh! Ach! What a nasty flavor. Ling
[Ling and Chien-Po scramble onto the rock with Yao, while Mulan sneaks away
: Some king of the rock.
[Yao pushes him off
: Did you see those Huns? They popped out of the snow, like daisies!
: We must send the most powerful of all. Mushu
: Okay, okay. I get the drift. I'll go.
: Oh, y'all don't think I can do it? Watch this here! Mushu
: [breathes a very small flame
] Aha! Jump back. I'm pretty hot, huh? Don't make me have to singe nobody to prove no point. First Ancestor
: You had your chance to protect the Fa family. Old Female Ancestor
: Your misguidance led Fa Deng to disaster! Fa Deng
: [holding his severed head
] Yeah, thanks a lot.
: You're, um... Mushu
: Intimidating? Awe-inspiring? Mulan
: Tiny. Mushu
: Of course. I'm travel-size for your convenience. If I was my real size, your cow here would die of fright.
[Khan snaps at Mushu
: Down, Bessie.
: It's going to take a miracle to get me into the army.
[Mushu's shadow appears in giantic form and surrounded by flames
: Did I hear someone ask for a miracle? Let me hear you say "aaah"! Mulan
: [in fear
] Aaah! Mushu
: That's close enough! Mulan
: A ghost. Mushu
: Get ready, Mulan, your serpentine salvation is at hand! For I have been sent by your ancestors... to guide you through your masquerade.
: [finding Cri-kee in the snow
] Man, you are one lucky bug.
[the Huns are rapidly approaching and Mulan has taken the only remaining cannon
: Oookay, you might wanna light that right about now. Quickly! Quickly!
[Mulan drops the tinderbox, seizes Mushu and uses him to light the rocket, then points it at the mountain behind Shan Yu
: [from on top of the rocket as it soars away
] You missed! How could you miss? He was three feet from you!
[the rocket hits the mountain and causes an avalanche
: You know, we have to work on your people skills.
: I'm doomed! And all 'cause Miss Man decides to take her little drag show on the road.
: We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're definitely gonna die! No way we survive this! Death is coming!
: Who are you? Mushu
: Who am I? Who am I? I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Mushu!
: Oh. Ha, ha. Pretty hot, huh?
: Great Stone Dragon, have you awakened? Mushu
: [holding up the Great Stone Dragon's head, which is all that is left of him
] Uh, uh, uh, uh... Yes, I just woke up. I'm... I'm the Great Stone Dragon. Good morning! I will go forth and fetch Mulan. Did... Did I mention that I was the Great Stone Dragon? First Ancestor
: Go! The fate of the Fa family rests on your claws. Mushu
: Don't even worry about it. I will not lose face! Mushu
: [loses balance and rolls down the hill; the head of the Great Stone Dragon lands on top of him
] Oh, my elbow. Oh, oh. I know I twisted something.
: I was this close. This close to impressin' the ancestors, gettin' the top shelf, an entourage. Man. All my fine work. Pfft.
[Cri-Kee chirps, wanting to go with Mushu
: You're lucky? Do I look like a sucker to you?
[Cri-Kee chirps again
: What you mean, a loser? How 'bout if I pop one of your antennas off, and throw it across the yard? Then who's the loser, me or you?
: [waking up
] I liiiiiiiiiive! So tell me what mortal needs my protection, Great Ancestor. You just say the word and I'm there. First Ancestor
: Mushu... Mushu
: And let me say somethin'. Anybody who's foolish enough to threaten our family, vengeance will be miiiine!
] First Ancestor
[points to statues
] First Ancestor
: *These* are the family guardians. They...? Mushu
: ...protect the family. First Ancestor
: [points to empty alcove
] And you, oh Demoted One? Mushu
: I... ring the gong.
[after Mulan cuts Khan loose from a flaming cart with Mushu in it
: Oh, sure. Save the *horse*.
: Citizens, I need firepower. Citizen
: Who are you? Mushu
: Your worst nightmare.
[seeing Yao, Ling, and Chien-Po run to the lake where Mulan is bathing
: Oh! We're *doomed!* There are a couple things I *know* they're bound to notice!
[on the troops
: Beautiful, isn't it? Mulan
: They're disgusting. Mushu
: No, they're men. And you'll have to act just like them, so pay attention.
: Ah, you ain't worth my time, chicken boy. Mushu
: Chicken boy? Say that to my face, you limp noodle!
: No one will listen to me. Mushu
: Huh? I'm sorry, did you say something? Mulan
: Mushu! Mushu
: Hey, you're a girl again. Remember?
: [after burning Shan-Yu's hawk
] Now that's what I call Mongolian barbecue.
: Go get her? What's the matter with you... After this Great Stone Humpty-Dumpty mess, I'd have to bring her home with a medal to be let back in the temple. Wait a minute! That's it! I'll make Mulan a war hero, and the ancestors will be begging me to come back. That's the master plan! Oh, you've done it now, man.
: Mushu, if you're so worried, go stand watch. Mushu
: Yeah, yeah. Mushu
: [talking and acting like a girl
] Stand watch, Mushu, while I blow our secret with my stupid girly habits. Pfft! Hygiene.
: Okay, gentlemen, thanks to your new friend Ping, you'll spend tonight picking up every single grain of rice. And tomorrow, the *real* work begins.
[all the soldiers grumble
: [to Mulan
] You know, we'll have to work on your people skills.
] I'm never gonna catch my breath! Yao
: Say goodbye to those who knew me! Ling
: Boy was I a fool in school for cutting gym! Mushu
] This guy's got her scared to death! Mulan
] Hope he doesn't see right through me! Chien-Po
: Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!
: [about Mulan's engagement
] Oh, what a happy, happy day! My little baby's gettin' married!
: Mushu! What're you doing here? Mushu
: Hey, wherever you go, I go, girl! Fa Mulan
: [hiding behind a wheelbarrow as Mulan and Shang come by on their horses
] This is gonna be delicious!
: [to Mushu
] You're my most trusted friend!
: [starting to cry
] Oh, that did it!
: It seems like only last month, you and me were fightin' off the Huns and saving China! Fa Mulan
: It WAS last month.
: [doing a perfect voice imitation of Mulan on a dummy outside Shang's tent
] General Shang? General Hardhead, that's what they should call him! Everything's got to have a strategy! Captain Li Shang
: [barely awake
] Mulan? Mushu
: [still sounding like Mulan
] The man won't brush his teeth without a backup plan! Captain Li Shang
: [awakening slightly
] Huh? Mushu
: [still imitating
] I blame myself. I fell for those broad shoulders. I didn't realize there wasn't much sittin' on top of 'em!
[the dummy's head falls off accidently, then Mushu gasps as he places it back on
: Oh, except for that garlic breath...
[no longer imitating
: Ooh-whee! That boy can peel paint! Oops!
[he covers his mouth
] Captain Li Shang
: [Shang gasps and covers his mouth, then kicks off the blanket and marches outside, muttering
] That's enough! Where is she?
: I just got some exfolitating cream in my eye!
: Tell me. Why have you come? August W. Booth
: [pulls up his right pant leg
] You see that? The Dragon
: No. Because the problem is with your other leg.
[August chuckles and pulls up his left pant leg
] The Dragon
: You're turning to wood... Pinocchio.
: The body has a strange way of sending us signals, doesn't it? The tricky part isn't hearing them, but knowing what they truly mean.
: I'm not going anywhere until I get the truth. The Dragon
: Interesting choice of words from someone who lied about being sick.
: It was nice meeting you.
[the Dragon produces some spectacular smoke effects from his body and comes flying towards Tamara
] The Dragon
: You haven't met me. At least not the real me.
: [hiding in Mulan's armor
] Who you callin' a shrimp, panda lips?