Lucille Bluth
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Quotes for
Lucille Bluth (Character)
from "Arrested Development" (2003)

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"Arrested Development: Pilot (#1.1)" (2003)
[Complaining about a gay boat protest upstaging her husband's retirement party]
Lucille Bluth: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire.

Lindsay Funke: Mother, not all homosexuals are flamboyant... and... oh my god, I have the exact same blouse!
Lucille Bluth: I like it better on him.

[after being put in charge, Buster passes out at his first board meeting]
Lucille Bluth: We need Michael.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: [holding a glass] We need ice.
[two paramedics pick up a stretcher with Buster on it]
Byron "Buster" Bluth: Michael. We need Michael.

Lindsay Funke: You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.
Lucille Bluth: And I'm putting Buster in charge.
Michael Bluth: Buster? You mean, the one who thought the blue on the map was land?

Lucille Bluth: Look what they've done, Michael! Look what the homosexuals have done to me!
Michael Bluth: You can't just comb that out and reset it?

[GOB tells Michael he's bought a boat called "The Seaward"; Lucille is just arriving]
Michael Bluth: Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille Bluth: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

"Arrested Development: Bringing Up Buster (#1.3)" (2003)
Lucille: Everyone's laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster.

Lucille: Oh, hello, Buster. Here's a candy bar. No, I'm withholding it. Look at me, "getting off. "

Michael: [on Buster's bike accident] You were flying today, buddy.
Buster: Yes, I was flying. But a little too close to the sun.
Lucille: You let him go in the sun?

Lucille: Candy bar?
Buster: [reaches for the offered candy]
Lucille: [takes it back] No, I'm withholding it.
Lucille: Look at me, getting off.

"Arrested Development: Development Arrested (#3.13)" (2006)
Lucille: [to the Hot Cops] Do you boys know how to shovel coal?
Narrator: I don't even want to tell you what these guys thought that meant.

Lucille Bluth: Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong.
Buster: Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong. But my real name is Hello.
Buster: Hello?
Annyong: Annyong.

Lucille: [flashback] Dinner's ready. We're having Lindsay chops. What? I just wanted to be ready in case some bully at school was as clever as I am.
Narrator: No bully ever would be.

Lucille: So this is why they dropped the charges, you gave me up George!
Oscar: I'm not George, George invited me. Oh stupid Oscar, when are you going to learn that there's no such thing as free shrimp?

"Arrested Development: Storming the Castle (#1.9)" (2004)
Narrator: As Michael was becoming more selfish, his father was choosing a more pious path - which made Buster and Lucille's visit go much differently than planned.
Lucille: Why is there a piece of shoe on your head?
George Sr.: This is a - well, it's a reminder that the divine presence is always above me.

Lucille: [about Buster dating Lucille Austero] I mean, she's been a family friend for years. It's just... creepy!
Michael Bluth: Hey, buddy.
Byron "Buster" Bluth: Hey.
Michael Bluth: Mom, I think you might be overreacting.
Lucille: She changed him as a baby.
Michael Bluth: OK, that's, that's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
Byron "Buster" Bluth: _That's_ why she didn't look surprised.

Lucille: [to Michael] Oh, don't give me that look. I happen to be a more caring mother than most.
Byron "Buster" Bluth: [entering] Where's my bed?
Lucille: I put it in storage. I guess you'll just have to decide which Lucille you want to spend your nights with.

"Arrested Development: Motherboy XXX (#2.13)" (2005)
Lucille: You know I always get this way around Motherboy.
Michael: Oh, God, it's Motherboy time already?
Lucille: Normally, I'd go with Buster but he doesnt want to go. But with you, I think I've got a shot.
Michael: Buster for the first time ever, doesnt want to do this?
Narrator: [voice over] Motherboy was the name of an annual dance promoting mother-son bonding. Lucille has gone with Buster over 30 times, and on many occasions, won cutest couple. But as one entered sexual maturity and the other one left it, it became increasingly difficult.
Lucille: [Buster and Lucille are getting their picture taken] I'm so hot.
Buster: If you were hot, mother, we would win!

Lindsay Funke: Oh, God. Not that "I'm in love with my mother" dance thing. I'm so glad there wasn't one of those for Daddys and Daughters.
Lucille: Of course they have father-daughter dances.
Lindsay Funke: They do? He never took me?
Lucille: It was before we did your nose.

Lucille: [at the hotel where Motherboy is taking place] Oh fuck me! Exact same costumes. We'll get a room so we can change.

"Arrested Development: Hand to God (#2.12)" (2005)
Lucille: [after Michael answers the phone] Ahhhhhh.
Michael: You've really got to stop starting conversations like that.

Lucille: I asked God to take anything from Buster to keep him from going to war.
Michael: Mom, god's not going to answer a call from you.
Gob: I trained the seal to eat cats, and then released him in the ocean.
Michael: OK, you've got a better case than mom does.

Lucille: [the family is waiting for news on Buster from a very literal doctor] How's my son?
The Literal Doctor: He's going to be all right.
Lindsay Funke: Finally some good news from this guy.
George Michael Bluth: There's no other way to take that.
The Literal Doctor: That's a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don't know that I'd take it this well.
Lucille: But you said he was all right.
The Literal Doctor: Yes, he's lost his left hand. So he's going to be "all right."
Lucille: [Jumping on the doctor] You son of a bitch. I hate this doctor.
Lindsay Funke: How do we keep getting this guy?
Michael: Mom, he's a very literal man.
The Literal Doctor: Yes, that's more the way I would take the news.

"Arrested Development: Amigos (#2.3)" (2004)
Lucille: [on the phone] I need you to track down GOB, I think he's trying to get me out of the house.
[someone knocks on the door]
Lucille: Never mind, it's just some idiot in a suit holding balloons.
Gene Parmesan: [lifts up the mask] Oh... is it?
Lucille: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lucille: [about Gene Parmesan] Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me but he never did find anything.
Michael: He can't be very good then, can he?
Lucille: He's the best.
Narrator: Gene was far from the best.

Lucille: Here's some money, go see a Star War.

"Arrested Development: The Immaculate Election (#2.14)" (2005)
Lucille Bluth: [after dropping some food] Where's my maid? ROBOT!
Narrator: But the robot had other plans.
Byron "Buster" Bluth: [Lucille walks into Buster's room to find him sleeping with the robot vacuum cleaner] What do you expect, Mother? I'm half machine! I'M A MONSTER!

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lucille finds a housekeeper she wont lose her son to.
Lucille Bluth: Yoo hoo! I'll take you the rest of the way!
Tobias Fünke: [as Mrs. Featherbottom, he and Buster are both crying] You should always keep from crying...

Lucille: [catching Lucille and Buster in bed together] And yet you're too good to polish the candlesticks? You're fired!
Buster: You cant fire me! I'm your son! I'm firing you!
Lucille: I was firing Lupe!
Buster: Oh, that makes more sense.

"Arrested Development: S.O.B.s (#3.9)" (2006)
Narrator: GOB had never made eye contact with his customer, that is, until this happened.
Lucille Bluth: I'll have the lobster tail.
George "Gob" Bluth II: And then maybe you could save a little tail for me.
[GOB realizes it's Lucille]
George "Gob" Bluth II: Oh COME ON!
Lucille Bluth: Ahhhhhhh!

Lucille Bluth: Hello? The caterers didn't show up. I used the club. They said we owe them too much money. I guess all those lunches... I've got 50 people coming in three hours and nothing to feed them. No one to serve it. We have to make a good impression or we're finished.
Narrator: Now that's a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy. Tell your friends.

"Arrested Development: Whistler's Mother (#1.20)" (2004)
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Michael finds having his mother on the board problematic.
Lucille: Oh, I remember a certain young man who said "But I don't have scary dreams in your bed!"
[the board room starts laughing]
Michael: That was Buster!

Lucille: Oh I seem to remember a certain young man who completely fell apart two weeks ago when I taped over the Nova special with the girl he liked on it.
Michael Bluth: That was Buster. And that's my point.

"Arrested Development: My Mother the Car (#1.8)" (2003)
Lucille: If it's an idiot on a scooter in the middle of the night, it must be Gob.

Lucille: Buster, what happened to your head?
Buster: Nothing. Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer

"Arrested Development: Sad Sack (#2.5)" (2004)
Lucille Bluth: [Michael is bringing food upstairs] Is that for Lindsey? Because she's not scared to eat in front of me anymore. Those are the whites only, yes?

Lucille Bluth: Here you go, hot tea, because that's what you are: a hottie.

"Arrested Development: Public Relations (#1.11)" (2004)
Jessie Bowers: [George Sr. has just become a devout Jew] Your father is religious now?
Michael: Yeah.
Jessie Bowers: We'll play that up, it's very sympathetic.
Lucille: Yeah, who doesn't love the Jews?

Lucille: Your sister and I tried to get into that new restaurant, Rud, and they wouldn't let us in.
Maitre'D: Mrs. Bluth, there's absolutely no room.
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Come on. I've suddenly lost my appetite.
Lucille: Oh, who's going to believe that?
Narrator: With her blood sugar at a perilous low, Lucille made Lindsay pull into the nearest restaurant.
Waitress: Welcome to Klimpy's! Anywhere you like!
Lucille: [to Lindsay] This does not bode well.
[after they're seated, to waitress]
Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina Tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.
Waitress: And what would you like?
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: I want my old life back.

"Arrested Development: In God We Trust (#1.7)" (2003)
Lucille: You idiots! If your father sees me here with Wayne...
Michael: ...we'll be stuck with Barry!
Wayne Jarvis: I shall duck behind that little garbage car.
[and does just that]
Michael: Guy's a pro.

Lucille: You idiots. If he sees me with Wayne...
Michael: ...we'll be stuck with Barry.
Wayne Jarvis: I shall duck behind that little garbage car.
[Wayne goes to hide]
Michael: Guy's a pro.

"Arrested Development: Out on a Limb (#2.11)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: You know, Mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial, that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.
Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.
Tobias Fünke: Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.
[leaves room]

Lucille: I don't care if I ever eat again.
Ann Veal: You know, when times are tough, you can always turn to the power of prayer.
Maeby Fünke: Here we go.
Lucille: Show me.

"Arrested Development: Meat the Veals (#2.16)" (2005)
Lucille: They're not gonna let you in at the country club with that.
Buster: [as Franklin, the puppet] I don't want no part of yo' tight-ass country club, ya freak bitch!

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: You do realize that's Tobias, right?
Lucille: If he's going to get in my closet, he's got to work for it.

"Arrested Development: The Cabin Show (#3.1)" (2005)
Michael Bluth: You seem more villainous than usual, Mom; are you sober?
Lucille: Michael, it's eight a.m.
Michael Bluth: So, it's not that.
Lucille: I don't know. Maybe it's because I went off my post-partum medication.
Michael Bluth: You were still taking that? You had Buster thirty-two years ago.
Lucille: And that's how long I've been depressed about him.
Lucille: Well, apparently, mood-altering medication leads to street drugs. That's what this very handsome young doctor said on the Today Show.
Michael Bluth: That was Tom Cruise, the actor.
Lucille: They said he was some kind of scientist.

Michael: It is going to up in Tahoe a couple more days. Maybe you could take a date
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
Michael: [Michael stares at her awkwardly] The cabin... yes! That would be difficult, too.

"Arrested Development: Shock and Aww (#1.14)" (2004)
Lucille: I'm having a problem with Buster.
Michael: Oh, we can just flip the mattress over and pretend like it never happened.

Lucille Bluth: Michael, the little Korean is here, and I don't know what to do with him. At least I think it's a him. You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you could even tell.
Michael Bluth: Yeah. Mom, I just spoke to Social Services and, although they don't like to do this, if you can prove that it's a bad environment for a child - and I would suggest saying what you just said to me, don't change a word - they will take him back.

"Arrested Development: Queen for a Day (#2.8)" (2005)
Lucille: I bought it using the new unfrozen stock as soon as I received the memo.
Michael: You mean, the memo that specifically told you not to sell?
Lucille: Did it say that? I stopped after "unfrozen."

Lindsay Funke: Hi, mom! Good news, I have the entire afternoon free.
Lucille: Oh really? Did "nothing" cancel?

"Arrested Development: Queen B. (#4.10)" (2013)
Lucille Bluth: [Speaking to George Sr. about faking their divorce] After the trial you can move back in. It's just a trial separation.

"Arrested Development: Notapusy (#3.4)" (2005)
Bob Loblaw: Why don't you volunteer for something?
Larry: I'll do anything to get out of this fucking apartment.
Lucille: You'll do anything to get out of fucking in this apartment.
Larry: Ah, you're drunk.

"Arrested Development: The One Where Michael Leaves (#2.1)" (2004)
Lucille Bluth: Buster! Stop playing with Mother's rape horn Yes, I have a rape horn, Michael, because you took away my mace.
Buster: Yeah, like anyone would want to "R" her.

"Arrested Development: Spring Breakout (#2.17)" (2005)
Narrator: As it turns out, she HAD gotten up early and had taken pain medication because of a hangover-related headache. However, she mistook the "drowsy eye" alcohol warning for a "winking eye" alcohol suggestion. Fortunately, she had the good sense not to drive herself to the meeting.
Lucille: No. I'll call for a car.
Narrator: [the car is crashed into the wall of the parking garage] Unfortunately, this was after a failed attempt to do so.

"Arrested Development: Charity Drive (#1.5)" (2003)
[after Michael takes away a frozen Bluth banana from George]
Lucille: How much could a banana cost? Ten dollars?
Michael: You've never been to a supermarket, have you?

"Arrested Development: Key Decisions (#1.4)" (2003)
Michael: [to GOB] I keep saying "What's more important than family"?
Lucille: MICHAEL!
Michael: It's mom, hide!

"Arrested Development: Family Ties (#3.11)" (2006)
Narrator: And Michael went to investigate his mystery sister.
Lucille: Michael! What a surprise!
Michael Bluth: Really? Were you expecting someone else? Maybe one of your... two daughters?
Lucille: Oh Lindsay and Tobias never visit.
Lucille: Oh we're so bad.
Michael Bluth: I meant Lindsay and Nellie.
Lucille: You call him that too? It's so great to be able to talk like this!

"Arrested Development: The One Where They Build a House (#2.2)" (2004)
Michael: Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: [stunned] I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

"Arrested Development: For British Eyes Only (#3.2)" (2005)
Lucille Bluth: And guess what else is back?
[Lucille winks]
Michael Bluth: My breakfast?
Lucille Bluth: My friskiness. Mama horny, Michael.
Michael Bluth: No, it's my breakfast. I'm amazed Dad hasn't strangled himself with his belt yet.
Lucille Bluth: Oh, we're into all kinds of freaky stuff.
Michael Bluth: Why do I eat breakfast before I come here?

"Arrested Development: Righteous Brothers (#2.18)" (2005)
Michael: Go ahead and tell Gob that I'll be telling the cops that it was him in the truck, so he'll be joining me here. I have a nice, hard cot with this name on it.
Lucille: You'd do that to your own brother?
Michael: I said "cot."

"Arrested Development: Mr. F (#3.5)" (2005)
Buster: Oh, I've had the time of my life.
Lucille: He's being sarcastic, GOB.
Buster: No, I'm not, mother. I mean, lover.
Larry: I like making love to mother.
Buster: I mean lover!

"Arrested Development: Prison Break-In (#3.7)" (2005)
Michael: [after finding out that the prison warden plans to sleep with Lucille] Who's the "I" in that sentence?
Lucille: ME!
Michael: You?
Narrator: Her.

"Arrested Development: Forget Me Now (#3.3)" (2005)
Michael: Buster got a medal, what for?
Lucille: Oh who knows what they were saying? It's probably because a seal ate his hand. Apparently, the army is giving out medals for being food now.

"Arrested Development: Let 'Em Eat Cake (#1.22)" (2004)
Michael Bluth: Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family.
Lucille Bluth: And a lot of love.
Michael Bluth: More lies.

"Arrested Development: Switch Hitter (#2.7)" (2005)
Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it's breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.

"Arrested Development: Afternoon Delight (#2.6)" (2004)
Lucille: I have a plan to stave off intruders.
Michael Bluth: What's that?
Lucille: [holds up an air horn and a fire poker] First I blow him then I poke him.
Michael Bluth: [stunned] Guy doesn't know what he's in for.

"Arrested Development: Fakin' It (#3.10)" (2006)
Michael Bluth: And I am going to be pretending to be your lawyer during the mock trial, whether you like it or not.
George Bluth Sr.: You're the lawyer! Oh, that's the same representation Captain Hook had.
Lucille Bluth: Oh, it's so good to laugh again!