Tobias Fnke
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Quotes for
Tobias Fnke (Character)
from "Arrested Development" (2003)

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"Arrested Development: Ready, Aim, Marry Me (#2.10)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: [after Michael asks Tobias to buy a tape recorder to record conversations of himself speaking] You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word "afraid"?
Michael: Well, I know I did in the jacuzzi.
Tobias Fünke: And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.

Michael Bluth: [looking at a gift basket Michael received] Didn't you get one of those, too? You bought Lindsay at the same auction.
Tobias Fünke: I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael Bluth: There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own recordings to see what Michael was referring to.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!
Tobias Fünke: [out loud] Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] I've been in the film business for a while but I just cant seem to get one in the can.
Tobias Fünke: [out loud] Context...
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: And he realizes there IS something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias Fünke: [out loud] Tobias... you blow hard!

Tobias Fünke: Michael, you really are quite the cupid. You can zink your arrow into my buttocks any time.

Michael Bluth: [looking at the gift basket he received] You got one of these too, didn't you? You bought Lindsay at the same auction.
Tobias Fünke: Well, yes, but I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael Bluth: There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

"Arrested Development: Spring Breakout (#2.17)" (2005)
Gob: [fixes a drink while waiting for an intervention with Lucille]
Michael: Are you pouring a drink? What are you doing?
Gob: What if she's mad?
Lindsay: Good point.
Tobias Fünke: Perhaps I'll have a little sip of something...
Michael: Guys, what could she do to us?... do we have anything single malt?
Narrator: [thirty minutes later] And although the intervention didn't work...
Michael: We think you have a prollen.
Gob: You're a mesh.
Narrator: turned into one of the Bluth family's better parties.

Tobias Fünke: [playing George Sr. on the TV show Scandalmakers] Perhaps an attic shall I seek...
Narrator: Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.

Lindsay: No, how would you like it? Actually, that's not a bad idea. I should turn the tables on men and see how they like being objectified. Men with low self-esteem. Get their clothes off.
Tobias Fünke: That is a great social statement. I shall get the video camera. This is ripe for parody. This is ripe!
Buster: He just wants to see boys' Linuses.

George Michael Bluth: [to Maebe] Maeby, don't you get it? They're not even eating these. They just like saying "bananas" and "nuts," and I won't... I won't tell you why. That's your father's job.
Tobias Fünke: [elsewhere, filming the "Men With Low Self Esteem" video] Come on. Let's see some bananas and nuts. Oh, perhaps we should just pull their pants off.

"Arrested Development: Storming the Castle (#1.9)" (2004)
Narrator: [introducing leather shop scene] So Tobias chose to pursue a common interest with his daughter.
Lance: [underneath narration] May I help you?
Tobias Fünke: Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says, "Dad likes leather."
Lance: Something that says... "leather daddy"?
Tobias Fünke: Oh, is there such a thing?

Tobias Fünke: Oh, Maeby, great news. I got my hands on some money. I can't say how or when... or where my wedding ring is...

Michael: [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?
Narrator: [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias Fünke: [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver: [slurring words] Gothic asshole?
Tobias Fünke: That's what I said.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
Tobias Fünke: Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer]
Tobias Fünke: Yes, I am looking for the magic.

[Tobias buying clothes to impress his daughter]
Tobias Fünke: I'm looking for something that says "Dad likes leather".
Salesman: Something that says... Leather Daddy?
Tobias Fünke: Oh, is there such a thing?

"Arrested Development: S.O.B.s (#3.9)" (2006)
Tobias Fünke: So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [reading one of the notes] "I know where you live, ha ha!" Casting directors hate this!
Narrator: They really do.
Casting Director: [cut to casting director's office] The glitter queen struck again. Never hire Tobias Funke.

Tobias Fünke: Michael if I may take off my pants and pull my analrapist stocking over my head, I think George Michael may be suffering from what we in the soft-sciences call "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder", or the "The O.C. Disorder".
Michael: Don't call it that.

Tobias Fünke: [about George Michael] He's a regular Freddie Wilson, that one.
Michael: I dont get that reference.
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: I dont either.
Tobias Fünke: I dont either.
Narrator: [shows a photo of a Village People group with the photo circled around the police officer] It's this guy.

"Arrested Development: The One Where Michael Leaves (#2.1)" (2004)
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: What did he say? Tell me the last thing he said.
Tobias Fünke: [flashback] I'm afraid I just blue myself.
Michael Bluth: He said some wonderful things.

Tobias Fünke: I'm afraid that I just blue myself.
Michael Bluth: There really has got to be a better way to say that.

Tobias Fünke: [covered in blue paint] It seems I might have stumbled upon an acting opportunity.
Michael Bluth: As a member of the Blue Man Group?
Tobias Fünke: Oh no, you're thinking of the support group. I made that same mistake myself. They're called the Blue Man Group.

"Arrested Development: Whistler's Mother (#1.20)" (2004)
Michael: You don't want to end up like Uncle Oscar, okay- living off handouts your whole life. Why don't you come up with a way to make money? A suggestion of something to invest in, or maybe a business idea.
Tobias Fünke: Well, I've always wanted to remake Annie Hall. Except, I wouldn't want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola though. Oh, but give me an old pro like a Robert Redford. Oh, I'd jump into bed with him in a second. And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: Actually, that time, that was what I was thinking.

Tobias Fünke: I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: That's not what I WAS thinking...

Tobias Fünke: I'm afraid that this offer comes off the table at midnight.
Michael: That may be the worst bluff I've ever heard.
Narrator: Even the members of Gobias industries agreed on that one.

"Arrested Development: Motherboy XXX (#2.13)" (2005)
Carl Weathers: [at Burger King] I'm going to go get a refill. You know you can get a refill on any drink you want?
Tobias Fünke: It's a great restaurant!
Narrator: It sure is!

Tobias Fünke: What are you doing up here?
George Bluth Sr.: [he shoves Tobias against the wall with his hand covering Tobias's mouth] I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here and if you tell anybody, you are dead.
Narrator: Tobias saw the raw power of George Sr.
George Bluth Sr.: Ah, stop licking my hand, you horse's ass!

[Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]
Tobias Fünke: What are you doing up here?
George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.

"Arrested Development: Staff Infection (#1.15)" (2004)
Tobias Fünke: [while rehearsing his "frightened inmate #2" character] Lindsey, say something to scare me
Lindsay Funke: F*** me.
Tobias Fünke: Nope, nothing. Thanks for trying though.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets an insight into fear.
Tobias Fünke: Let's discuss our new bunking situation.
White Power Bill: You're going to be sleeping under me for a while.
George Sr.: I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.

Tobias Fünke: I'm going to take a stab at something and say that you hate White Power Bill.
White Power Bill: I hate you!
Tobias Fünke: You HATE White Power Bill.
White Power Bill: I hate the government!
Tobias Fünke: You HATE White Power Bill.
White Power Bill: I hate my father!
[thinks about it for a second]
White Power Bill: I hate White Power Bill.
[he jumps off the railing and dies]
Prisoner: You killed him! Like Dorothy. The Wicked Witch is dead! All hail Dorothy!

"Arrested Development: Forget Me Now (#3.3)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: You're forgetting, Lindsay, that as a psychiatrist, I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first "analrapist".
Lindsay Funke: Yeah, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.
Tobias Fünke: [after showing the business card] Yes, but I didn't stop because of the police inquiries, I stopped to help raise our little girl. Where is Maeby, anyways?

Buster: [Tobias hands Buster his business card] Ahhhh!
Tobias Fünke: Oh, it's pronounced "Analrapist".
Buster: It wasn't the pronunciation that bothered me.

Tobias Fünke: See, Buster, it wasn't a loose seal you couldn't stand up to, it was Lucille. Ooh, I'm getting chills. If this were a Lifetime Moment Of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator: [music begins playing] But it wasn't.

"Arrested Development: Notapusy (#3.4)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: So Ann, the question is, do you want a man or a boy? I know how I would answer.

Tobias Fünke: He might be afraid of sex, but you're not.
George Michael Bluth: I'm not afraid of sex.
Tobias Fünke: Well, OK, have sex with this girl. Right now. Get in there, have some sex with here.
[George Michael hesitates]
Tobias Fünke: I thought so.

"Arrested Development: Pilot (#1.1)" (2003)
Tobias Fünke: [auditioning] Hello, my name is Dr. Tobias Funke. I graduated with honors from Boston College and I did my post-graduate in psycho-linguistics at MIT. And this is "You're A Bad, Bad, Man" from "Annie Get Your Gun."

Tobias Fünke: Somebody is a Rude Gus. That's all.

"Arrested Development: A New Start (#4.5)" (2013)
Tobias Fünke: And I recognize you from somewhere, but it's not from the Fantastic Four. It's from somewhere else.
Debrie Bardeaux: I've done some things I'm not proud of.
Tobias Fünke: Episodics? Been there.
Narrator: It wasn't episodic.
[flashback to a bedroom film set with a visible boom mike and actors reading off cue cards]
Narrator: She had been in a series of softcore porn movies about women leading straight men into gay sex called "Straightbait".
Debrie Bardeaux: This is my brother. He's gay. If you want to have sex with me, then you've got to have sex with him first.
'Gay' Straightbait Actor: And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay.
'Straight' Straightbait Actor: [interrupts] I'll show you I'm not gay I am.
[all three begin to undress]
Narrator: She did six of these movies,
[they get onto the bed in a triangle arrangement, which eventually causes it to break]
Narrator: and after lunch, did three more.

Tobias Fünke: All you need to do is tell people what a terrific actor I am, because I can't do it believably.

"Arrested Development: Public Relations (#1.11)" (2004)
Tobias Fünke: [reading a script with terrible acting] "I don't know what you heard about me, but I'm a different kind of cop. I'm from the streets, and I'm the last cop you'll ever want to mess with in a darkened al - dark alley
[drops the act]
Tobias Fünke: Oh, you know, maybe my wife is right. I'm not cut out to be a DeNiro, or a Regis, or a Pinkett-Smith. I shou...
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tobias, listen to me. Dreams are worth fighting for. Now, are you gonna be an actor, or are you gonna be a doctor?
Tobias Fünke: You're right, Carl Weathers! I should just march into that restaurant where my wife works and...
Carl Weathers: Whoa, your wife works in a restaurant? Do they get free shift meals or a discount on select menu items?
Tobias Fünke: Uh, I don't know.
Carl Weathers: Well, let's find out, man!

George Michael Bluth: You know, I have a job.
Tobias Fünke: [coughing] Kiss ass... well we were all thinking it.
Buster: Uh, I'm unclear about what it is exactly you do...
Jessie Bowers: Excellent question, what a publicist does is...
Buster: No, no, no I was talking to George Michael. When did you get a job?
George Michael Bluth: At the banana stand.
Buster: Oh! Duh! I thought you meant like a plumber or something and I was like 'when did that happen?'

"Arrested Development: For British Eyes Only (#3.2)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: Ooh, I can taste those meaty, leading man parts in my mouth!

Tobias Fünke: Gob, I would like to be in your trick and there's someone I'd like to put in a plug for. Or... should I say 4,000 plugs?
Gob: [Tobias removes his cap and his hair plugs are bleeding] Oh god...
Lupe: Mister gay is bleeding! Mister gay!

"Arrested Development: Beef Consomme (#1.13)" (2004)
Tobias Fünke: [arguing with Lindsay] Oh, great, you're mocking me. You selfish?
[realises Maebe is watching]
Tobias Fünke: country-music loving lady!

George Michael Bluth: So, uh, I've been thinking about that conversation we were having the other night about, uh, where Maeby came from. And uh, I was just wondering if you could finish that thought.
Tobias Fünke: Yes, okay, uh... well, have a seat. Uh... um... when a man... needs to prove to a woman that he's actua- when a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her, something very, very special happens. And with deep, deep concentration and, and great focus, he's often able to achieve an erec...
George Michael Bluth: I'm sorry, I'm going to stop you. I know what you mean. I, I didn't mean babies in general.
Tobias Fünke: Oh, well that's good. Because it was about to get a little, eh, gross.

"Arrested Development: Not Without My Daughter (#1.21)" (2004)
Narrator: As a psychotherapist, Tobias was on the forefront of the self-esteem movement.
Patient: I keep getting this longing. This urge... does that make me a...
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [interrupting] Homosexual...
Tobias Fünke: Maebe, please. Although she's probably right though, you probably are a homosexual.

Tobias Fünke: [after the Girls With Low Self Esteem video only shows the parts of GOB's magic act where he screws up] Douche chillllllllll...

"Arrested Development: Prison Break-In (#3.7)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: Don't leave your Uncle T-bag hanging!

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, George-Michael experiences his unhappiest moment ever.
George Michael Bluth: Where's Maebe?
Tobias Fünke: She's in the next cell. Looks like we're going to be spending the night, cos!
[a giant green X appears on George-Michael]

"Arrested Development: The Cabin Show (#3.1)" (2005)
Kitty: Say goodbye, Tobias! And say goodbye to these!
[she flashes Tobias]
Tobias Fünke: Hey, those are blue, too!

Tobias Fünke: Can I interest you in a smoothie or an amal... Michael!
Michael: Tobias! I thought you were in Vegas with Kitty and the Blue Man Group.
Tobias Fünke: Sadly, it turns out that the part I had destroyed my life to get had already been cast.
Narrator: The role was filled by George Sr. who used it to hide in plain sight. That is, until he choked on a marshmallow and almost died when nobody noticed that he had turned blue.

"Arrested Development: The Immaculate Election (#2.14)" (2005)
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lucille finds a housekeeper she wont lose her son to.
Lucille Bluth: Yoo hoo! I'll take you the rest of the way!
Tobias Fünke: [as Mrs. Featherbottom, he and Buster are both crying] You should always keep from crying...

Lindsay Funke: [Lindsay is wearing Tobias's underwear] So what do you think?
Tobias Fünke: I've been looking for those! You're going to stretch them out!
Lindsay Funke: Is that all you can say?
Tobias Fünke: Excuse me, but I like the way they shape my junk.
Lindsay Funke: I don't know why, but you can take your junk and get out.

"Arrested Development: Queen for a Day (#2.8)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: My schedule however, is as open as my relationship with my wife. So why don't we pair up? And hit the town together! I'll be your wingman. Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!
Michael: OK, that's enough family stuff for today.

Tobias Fünke: [to a group of male strippers posing as street thugs] All right, fellas, look. I know you know nothing but a life on the street, but I'd like to offer you something that the Queen Mary gave me. The joy of the stage. So maybe you could start jeté-ing... and stop "je-terrorizing me.

"Arrested Development: Good Grief! (#2.4)" (2004)
[Michael catches George-Michael sneaking hard-boiled eggs to George Sr]
Michael Bluth: I think George-Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: From who, the Nazis?
Michael Bluth: No, his girlfriend from me. I just caught him sneaking up to her in the attic and he clearly did so because he thinks I don't approve. I think I'm gonna invite her to the wake. Why make him hide? Why do to him what... Why do to him what Dad used to do to me?
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: [sobbing] He was so amazing.
Michael Bluth: That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was. You're really going through something here, huh?
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: I know. You know, it's funny-all those years when I pretended to cry... I used to use Dad's death to get me going. I tried it with Mom's, but I'd just end up smiling and ruining it. But it feels, like, real. You know? And you haven't really allowed yourself to grieve much at all, Michael.
Michael Bluth: My relationship with Dad was much more-much more complicated than yours. It was predicated a lot on secrets and lies. There wasn't a lot of trust there.
Tobias Fünke: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build me an airport, put my name on it. Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? You can keep them bottled up, Michael, but they will come out. Sometimes in the most unexpected...
[opens refrigerator and looks inside]
Tobias Fünke: Hey, where the fuck are my hard-boiled eggs?


"Arrested Development: Fakin' It (#3.10)" (2006)
George Bluth Sr.: [Michael gets the witness list for the deposition] Who's on the list? Any blabbers?
Michael Bluth: Just one, but he wont be talking unless there's a hand inside of them.
Tobias Fünke: Oh please, even then, I wouldn't say anything.
Michael Bluth: [stunned] That's reassuring. I was talking about Franklin, actually.

Michael Bluth: Is the an "N. Bluth" in the family we don't know about? They say there's been money found in an account under that name.
George Bluth Sr.: Of course not. The prosecution is trying to test us, see if we're going to turn against each other. They make stuff up. She doesn't exist.
Michael Bluth: Yet you refer to her as a she.
George Bluth Sr.: He... she... what's the difference?
Tobias Fünke: Oh here, here. In the dark, it all looks the same.

"Arrested Development: Bringing Up Buster (#1.3)" (2003)
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets a review of his Shakespeare play.
Tobias Fünke: I didn't get into this business to please sophomore Tracy Schwartzman, so... onward and upward. On...
Tobias Fünke: [Cut to Tobias crying in the shower] Why, Tracy? Why?

"Arrested Development: Family Ties (#3.11)" (2006)
Michael: You know, I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.
Tobias Fünke: Ah, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.
Michael: OK, that's the last one.

"Arrested Development: Development Arrested (#3.13)" (2006)
Tobias Fünke: I booked a wonderful spot for the party - the Queen Mary. Perhaps I should call the hot cops and tell them to come up with a more nautical theme. Hot sailors. Better yet... Hot sea...
Michael: [quickly interrupting] I like hot sailors.
Tobias Fünke: Me too.

"Arrested Development: The One Where They Build a House (#2.2)" (2004)
Narrator: [as Tobias, in blue makeup and sweatshirt, speaks on stage] Tobias had recently auditioned as an understudy for the silent performance art trio, the Blue Man Group.
Tobias Fünke: And this is "Kids", from "Bye, Bye, Birdie".
[nods to offstage, and a piano plays opening notes as the Blue Man Group reacts in confusion]
Narrator: He had yet to hear back from them.

"Arrested Development: In God We Trust (#1.7)" (2003)
[George Michael is trying to explain to his uncle why he cannot take off a muscle suit]
George Michael Bluth: I just can't take it off. You'll never understand.
Tobias Fünke: ...I'll never understand? That you can never be nude?
[he disrobes, exposing his cut-off jeans]
Tobias Fünke: I'll understand more than you'll... never know.

"Arrested Development: Out on a Limb (#2.11)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: You know, Mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial, that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.
Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.
Tobias Fünke: Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.
[leaves room]

"Arrested Development: The Ocean Walker (#3.6)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: I'm videotaping your nuptials.
Michael: [camera is pointed at Michael's crotch] I dont think I need any footage of my nuptials.

"Arrested Development: Mr. F (#3.5)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: Check 2,3. Let Lily lick Lionels' lusty leathers.

"Arrested Development: Burning Love (#2.9)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: This is the chance to right the small wrong that I did.
Michael Bluth: You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.

"Arrested Development: Amigos (#2.3)" (2004)
Michael: You know, this open marriage is ridiculous. Somebody's gonna get hurt.
Mae "Maeby" Fünke: The important thing is that you guys don't lose focus on yourself.
[Maeby walks away]
Tobias Fünke: You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, I know you're the big marriage expert - oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, your wife is dead!
[Michael and Lindsay stare in silence]
Tobias Fünke: I'm sorry, that was 100% inappropriate and I do apologize profusely. I do apologize profusely, I'm - oh...
[Tobias walks away in embarrassment]

"Arrested Development: Sword of Destiny (#2.15)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: Time for me to take off my receptionist skirt and put on my Barbara Streisand in the Prince Of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.
Michael: What?

"Arrested Development: Exit Strategy (#3.12)" (2006)
Tobias Fünke: And I am off to buy the perfect present for Maebe. Maybe she'd like a suit like this.
Narrator: That is her suit.
Tobias Fünke: They probably don't make it in a woman's.
Narrator: They only make it in a woman's.

"Arrested Development: Best Man for the Gob (#1.19)" (2004)
Tobias Fünke: I guess what I'm saying is... I wanna reunite the band.
Michael: Oh no.
Narrator: Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne Acquisition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.