Michael Bluth
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Quotes for
Michael Bluth (Character)
from "Arrested Development" (2003)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Arrested Development: Pilot (#1.1)" (2003)
Michael Bluth: [after George Sr. has been handed a jail sentence] They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out.
[silence amongst the family]
Michael Bluth: Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...
[everyone gasps]
Michael Bluth: ...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."

Lindsay Funke: You know, Michael, Dad did name Mom as his successor.
Lucille Bluth: And I'm putting Buster in charge.
Michael Bluth: Buster? You mean, the one who thought the blue on the map was land?

Michael Bluth: So this is the magic trick, huh?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money...
[sees children watching his magic]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: ...or cocaine!

Lucille Bluth: Look what they've done, Michael! Look what the homosexuals have done to me!
Michael Bluth: You can't just comb that out and reset it?

Michael Bluth: What have we always said is the most important thing?
George Michael Bluth: Breakfast
Michael Bluth: Family
George Michael Bluth: Oh, right. Family. I thought you meant of the things you eat.

Gob: You know, I sorta thought my contribution... could be a magic show!
Michael: Hey, that's great! That's perfect, Gob! Oh, wait, I just remembered, Dad's retiring, not turning six.

Narrator: Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest. So he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.
Michael: I quit.
George Sr.: Probably a good career move.

George Michael Bluth: Well I'd rather live like this than be like my aunts and uncles whose eyes have never stung from the sweet sweat of a hard days work.
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you getting all that?
George Michael Bluth: From you, you say it every couple of years when they come out to visit.
Michael: Well you're right, they are spoiled.

Narrator: On the next "Arrested Development", Michael finds it difficult to get his father out of prison.
Michael: You LOVE IT here?
George Sr.: I'm having the time of my life! Hey, T-Bone.
[high-fives another prisoner]

Michael: [as Michael is giving the lecture, Buster's drum playing gets louder] But starting tomorrow there is going to be a new boss in town. You are all going to feel the effects as... BUSTER!
[Buster stops playing]
Michael: You cant do that on the balcony, buddy?

[GOB tells Michael he's bought a boat called "The Seaward"; Lucille is just arriving]
Michael Bluth: Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille Bluth: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

George Sr.: [explaining why he left the company to Lucille] They cannot arrested a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: Yeah, I don't think that that's true, Dad.
George Sr.: Really?
Michael: [nods]
George Sr.: [whispering] I got the worst fucking attorneys.


"Arrested Development: The Cabin Show (#3.1)" (2005)
Michael Bluth: You seem more villainous than usual, Mom; are you sober?
Lucille: Michael, it's eight a.m.
Michael Bluth: So, it's not that.
Lucille: I don't know. Maybe it's because I went off my post-partum medication.
Michael Bluth: You were still taking that? You had Buster thirty-two years ago.
Lucille: And that's how long I've been depressed about him.
Lucille: Well, apparently, mood-altering medication leads to street drugs. That's what this very handsome young doctor said on the Today Show.
Michael Bluth: That was Tom Cruise, the actor.
Lucille: They said he was some kind of scientist.

Michael Bluth: [Michael discovers that Oscar is in prison, not George] I'm sure that Oscar could last another day in prison.
Narrator: Not according to the most recent blog entry on imoscar.com.

Michael Bluth: This all makes sense now. Dad's in Reno, Kitty's in Reno, Dad's in Kitty, and Dad's a Blue Man.

Michael Bluth: I'm looking for a man who's probably in the seedy underbelly of Reno.
Cab Driver: Oh, the Christian League had The Seedy Underbelly shut down. Now it's a Swallows.
Narrator: Swallows was a family-style restaurant by day and an anything-goes, pan-sexual bazaar by night.

Lindsay Funke: We're super rich again, Mikey! And I'm going to buy a car. A Volvo!
Michael: Lindsay, you're not going to start spending money again.
[she hands him a picture]
Michael: And this is not a Volvo...
Lindsay Funke: Oh, that's from sitting on the copier.

[repeated line]
Michael: I'm sorry, pal. It's just not going to happen this time.

Lindsay Funke: I cant believe Tobias dumped me for that whore Kitty. Do you think he would leave this? And these?
[points to her breasts]
Lindsay Funke: And this?
[hands Michael a piece of paper]
Michael: Still the car.
Lindsay Funke: Or this?
Michael: [hands Michael a picture] Glad I didn't spring for color.

Tobias Fünke: Can I interest you in a smoothie or an amal... Michael!
Michael: Tobias! I thought you were in Vegas with Kitty and the Blue Man Group.
Tobias Fünke: Sadly, it turns out that the part I had destroyed my life to get had already been cast.
Narrator: The role was filled by George Sr. who used it to hide in plain sight. That is, until he choked on a marshmallow and almost died when nobody noticed that he had turned blue.

Michael: It is going to up in Tahoe a couple more days. Maybe you could take a date
Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
Michael: [Michael stares at her awkwardly] The cabin... yes! That would be difficult, too.

Gob: I didn't even know we had a cabin in the woods.
Michael: Oh shit. I've never been to the cabin, GOB.
Narrator: Though he had often been promised.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1977"] Oh sorry buddy, something came up. This nice lady here lost her puppy and I'm going to help her find it.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1980"] Oh sorry buddy, this girl's dad got sick and I'm taking her to the hospital.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1983"] Come on, you're old enough to understand this by now - I'm nailing this broad!

Oscar: I'm your dad's twin brother! I'M OSCAR! DOT COM!
Michael: I'm taking my son to the cabin and there's nothing you can say to convince me that you're not my dad.
Oscar: I understand. Your son comes first.
Michael: Oh my god, you're Oscar.
Oscar: Dot com.

Michael: Hey, maybe you could pop a tent outside with your cousin Maeby.
George Michael: Oh, I don't know...
Maebe: I'm not really the outdoorsy type.
Michael: Well, it'd be a good chance to rub off on her.


"Arrested Development: The One Where Michael Leaves (#2.1)" (2004)
[Michael discovers Gob is now president of the Bluth Company]
Michael Bluth: How much damage could he possibly cause?
Narrator: In just three hours, Gob had caused $45,000 worth of damage.
[we see Gob playing pool in Michael's office. he pulls back his cue and hits the wall]
George "Gob" Bluth II: Hit there.
[his assistant makes a hole in the wall with a sledgehammer]

Michael: I don't know why you're not taking this "I'm out of here" seriously because I am out of here. Seriously.
Gob: Face it, Michael, you've made this threat before.
Michael: Tell me, when?
Michael: [caption reads: "Dinner mishap"] I'm outta here.
Michael: [caption reads: "Christmas magic show fiasco"] I'm outta here.
Michael: [caption reads: "Monkey Freedom Rally setback"] I'm outta this family, seriously.
Michael: This time we'll be so far away that you wont be able to find us.
George Michael Bluth: Phoenix. We're going to Phoenix.
Michael: Don't tell them!

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: What did he say? Tell me the last thing he said.
Tobias Fünke: [flashback] I'm afraid I just blue myself.
Michael Bluth: He said some wonderful things.

Michael Bluth: Spent an entire year living in that model home with those people and all they did was lie to us.
Narrator: The most recent lie was that the doctor said that George Sr. had a heart attack while in prison.
Doctor: We lost him.
Narrator: But what the doctor meant to say was that he had escaped, a feat he had accomplished by using the family's portable stairway vehicle.

Annyong Bluth: [Annyong is wearing an Uncle Sam costume] I want you.
Michael: OK, the jury might actually like that.

Tobias Fünke: I'm afraid that I just blue myself.
Michael Bluth: There really has got to be a better way to say that.

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: [Tobias was run over by a car] How is he?
The Literal Doctor: It looks like he's dead.
[everyone gasps in shock]
Michael Bluth: Wait, is he really dead or does it look like he's dead?
The Literal Doctor: It looks like he's dead. He's covered in blue paint or something.
[everyone starts shouting and throwing things at him]

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Face it, Michael, Maybe the reason you keep coming back is because you need us.
Michael: Hmmm. Oh, that's rich. Huh. I need you. Alright, I'll tell you what. Mom, you're always asking me to help you look after Buster? You can find somebody else. I hope she doesn't kill you.
Buster: I'll kill her first!
Michael: And good luck trying to find someone to run the business, by the way. G.O.B., instead of always coming to me looking for money, saying, "I've made a huge mistake," you can bail yourself out next time.
Gob: I've never admitted to a mistake. What would I have made a mistake about?
Michael: Lindsay, instead of sleeping in twin beds, why don't you and your husband take the master bedroom. It's not like you've never come to me with your marital problems saying, "Oh, help me Michael, I think my husband might be a ho..."
[Tobias uses the airhorn]

Gob: What did you come here for, Michael? I hope it's not for a handout. I run a pretty tight ship around here.
Michael: With a pool table.
Gob: It's a gaming ship.

Tobias Fünke: [covered in blue paint] It seems I might have stumbled upon an acting opportunity.
Michael Bluth: As a member of the Blue Man Group?
Tobias Fünke: Oh no, you're thinking of the support group. I made that same mistake myself. They're called the Blue Man Group.


"Arrested Development: Pier Pressure (#1.10)" (2004)
Michael: [after confronting his son about marijuana] He's lying to me! I don't believe it! Where the hell is this family's morality?
Gob: [lets out a puff of marijuana smoke] I don't know. Oh, it's... cold out.

Michael: You taught me a lesson about not teaching lessons?
George Sr.: That was my last lesson.

Michael: [after strippers dressed as cops have taken off their uniforms] You knew all along, didn't you?
George Michael: Sorta. One of the hot cops was my choir teacher.

Michael: [about George Michael's test] A-?
George Michael: Are you proud of me?
Michael: Very proud... minus.

Michael: Well, it's not like you made a commitment to her or anything.
Buster: No, not a commitment... but I did refer to it as "our nausea, " but that was when we were going at it pretty hot and heavy.
Michael: Well, now it's my nausea.

Michael: Your Uncle Gob seems to think that he saw you down at the docks today. Was that you?
George Michael: No. No. Maybe it was the other George Michael. You know, the singer-songwriter.
Michael: Yeah, that makes sense.

George Michael: [Arguing with his math book] Dumb, dumb George Michael, dumb...
Michael: Hey, calm down there, you two; it's just a math problem.
George Michael: Yeah, but if I fail math then there goes my chances to get a good job and have a happy life full of hard work, like you always say, right Dad?

Michael: [to George Michael] I want you to take the rest of the day off. Here's 20 bucks, buy something you don't need, be a kid, make mistakes, get in trouble.
Buster: Yes, make a mistake. Take 225 from me.

[Michael wants to teach his son a lesson like the ones his father used to teach him]
Michael Bluth: I need the guy with the fake arm, J. Walter Weatherman.
George Bluth, Sr.: Oh, he's dead. You killed him when you left the door open with the air conditioning on.

Michael: [referring to George Michael smoking pot] All I know is that this has been going on forever. His eyes are red, his grades are slipping.
Gob: I heard about the A minus.


"Arrested Development: S.O.B.s (#3.9)" (2006)
Tobias Fünke: Michael if I may take off my pants and pull my analrapist stocking over my head, I think George Michael may be suffering from what we in the soft-sciences call "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder", or the "The O.C. Disorder".
Michael: Don't call it that.

Michael: So, what's going on with the fundraiser?
George Sr.: Well, I don't think the Home Builders Organization is gonna be supporting us.
Michael: Yeah, the HBO's not gonna want us. What do we do now?
George Sr.: Well, I think it's "Show Time." I think we have to have a show during dinner.

Michael: Well, um, I was going to say that you don't know who my father really is and that what has happened to us is a great injustice, that we were never really given a fair chance. But that's not the truth. We've been given plenty of chances. And maybe the Bluths just aren't worth saving, maybe we're not that likable, you know. We're very self-centered. And my father may be the worst of us. Me, too. You know, I seem to... I threaten people who I don't feel support me. He poisons them. Anyway, here's my advice to you. Go ahead and take yourself a goody bag and get out of here while you can.
[Lucille applauds]
Narrator: The speech was disturbing. The food inedible. And the gift bags, well, pretty frightening. And when GOB found out he wasn't going to get tipped...
Gob: Wait! No, no, where's everyone going!
Narrator: The service got worse.
Gob: Where's my money? I'll follow you to your cars!
Byron "Buster" Bluth: My thumb!
Narrator: Oh and that old racist woman choked on Buster's thumb. All in all, it was one of the Bluth's better parties.

Michael: You guys are identical twins?
Donnie Richter: Identical quintuplets.
Narrator: There was Andy, the show off, Jared the flirt, Donny the sensitive one, Rocky, Andy's stunt double, and then there was Emmitt, who asked that we not show his face, although composite photography tells us that he might look something like this.

Tobias Fünke: [about George Michael] He's a regular Freddie Wilson, that one.
Michael: I dont get that reference.
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: I dont either.
Tobias Fünke: I dont either.
Narrator: [shows a photo of a Village People group with the photo circled around the police officer] It's this guy.

Michael: Are you Andy?
Donnie Richter: No, I'm Emmitt.
Narrator: Michael was concerned. I mean think about it, we can't show Emmitt's face without blurring it.

Narrator: Michael had asked Lindsay to do the housework, and to his surprise, she was sort of doing it.
Lindsay Funke: Hey, I found that canned ham that we've had forever, and I put it in a pot of boiling hot water, and guess what we're having?
Michael: Soup?
Lindsay Funke: Hot ham water.

Michael: It's hard to believe that it's really come down to begging.
Narrator: Please tell your friends about this show.

Michael: My son expresses himself just fine. Isn't that right, son?
George Michael Bluth: What? Yeah Thanks. Fine I guess. Whatever, I don't care, just stop!


"Arrested Development: Bringing Up Buster (#1.3)" (2003)
Michael: Oh, and I'm sure you know better than anyone, Lindsay. No borders, no limits, oh go ahead, touch the Cornballer...

Michael: [after being burned by the Cornballer] Mother of God! Oh! Every damn time! Oh, this is a big one!

Michael: [on Buster's bike accident] You were flying today, buddy.
Buster: Yes, I was flying. But a little too close to the sun.
Lucille: You let him go in the sun?

[Lucille is trying to convince Michael to take Buster off her hands]
Michael Bluth: Okay, he can hang out, but he's going to work. This is not going to be a day at the beach.
[the camera pans out to show that Buster's wearing beach clothes]

Narrator: [Michael and Buster are putting on biking gear] Michael decides to fill the void left by his son with his brother.
Michael: You know, I'm in pretty good shape. You could be eating my dust out there!
Narrator: And Buster was giving as good as he received.
Buster: Yeah, and you could be
[loooooong expletive]
Buster: that's gonna
[looooong expletive]
Buster: !
Michael: [stunned] Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Buster: [about Lucille] It's like she gets off on being withholding.
Michael Bluth: Whoa, Buster!
Gob: Look who's ragging on the old lady!
Buster: Because I'm an uptight
[long bleep]
Buster: Buster
[long bleep]
Buster: you old horny slut!
Michael Bluth: [stunned] Nobody's going to top that.

Michael: [in a meeting, Buster is making lots of noise building a bike] We're here, and we're focused, and...
[interrupts]
Michael: BUSTER! You cant do that in the snack room, pal?
Buster: Mom told me to stay away from microwaves.


"Arrested Development: Motherboy XXX (#2.13)" (2005)
Lucille: You know I always get this way around Motherboy.
Michael: Oh, God, it's Motherboy time already?
Lucille: Normally, I'd go with Buster but he doesnt want to go. But with you, I think I've got a shot.
Michael: Buster for the first time ever, doesnt want to do this?
Narrator: [voice over] Motherboy was the name of an annual dance promoting mother-son bonding. Lucille has gone with Buster over 30 times, and on many occasions, won cutest couple. But as one entered sexual maturity and the other one left it, it became increasingly difficult.
Lucille: [Buster and Lucille are getting their picture taken] I'm so hot.
Buster: If you were hot, mother, we would win!

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias...
Lindsay Funke: Oh my god, I'm sorry, I walked into the wrong trailer!
Dave Attell: Wow, the service sent you over quick.
Narrator: ...But not the one she's married to.
Lindsay Funke: [he quickly disrobes] You don't cry when you take those off?
Narrator: Having finally had sex, GOB can admit that he never consummated his marriage.
George "Gob" Bluth II: Your Honor, we never consummated this marriage.
Wife of Gob: Judge, maybe you should take a look at this, which was taken in your office just moments ago.
[She hands the judge a picture, and GOB is seen shirtless with the shirt over his head]
Narrator: Then GOB catches a lucky break.
Judge Lionel Ping: There's no way to tell who this man is.
Narrator: But it doesn't last long.
George "Gob" Bluth II: Oh that's me, your honor, I fucked my wife.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Oh, we've really lost this case.
Narrator: And Maeby impresses some kids at the Promise Land with her one scary campfire story.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Knock, scrape. The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call!
[Buster enters the clearing while holding up his hook]
Buster: Hey, campers.
[the kids all scream and run away]
Buster: I'm a monster!
Michael: This may have been a step backward.

Michael: Buster, you cant zip-line over there!
Buster: Either I zip down or he zips up! And that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit! You have to get on your knees to start it!
Michael: This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster!

Buster: [holding up a trophy] And I finally feel good about myself. "Saddest".
Michael: And I saw those people, that was a very competitive category.

Michael: [Michael catches George-Michael and Maebe in the attic] What are you kids doing up here?
George Michael Bluth: Looking for the camping stuff. Where do we keep the mattress pumps?
Michael: I had to take all pumps out of here a long time ago.

Buster: My army training is telling me that this is a hot mission.
Michael: Hot mission! We're on a hot mission!
Buster: Maybe we should call it "Operation: Hot Mother."
Michael: No, no, let's try to top that.
Narrator: They never did, and later, Operation: Hot Mother was under way.

Michael: I think it's getting too risky keeping you up here.
George Bluth Sr.: You know what's risky? Lettin' your son go on that church thing.
Michael: Her name's Ann, Dad, and he's not "going" on her, okay?
Michael: They're just friends.
George Bluth Sr.: Not for long.


"Arrested Development: Making a Stand (#3.8)" (2005)
[upon seeing GOB's banana stand 'mascots']
George Michael: Are those strippers?
Michael: If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.

Narrator: GOB had just opened up a new banana stand like 20 feet from the old banana stand.
Michael: Oh yeah? Me and my banana stand are going to kick your banana stands ass!
George Michael: It's just going to to back and fourth all day.
Narrator: And it did just that.
[shows a series of photos showing what happened]
Narrator: But the footage it produced was less entertaining than you might imagine, no matter what music was put behind it. It was kind of funny to "Yellow Submarine", but who could afford it?

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: You two have always fought. I think I have a video tape of that.
Michael: You and half of Orange County.
Narrator: As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight one another. He believed it created a competitive spirit. He also thought tapes of the footage would be a big hit in the burgeoning home video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2". "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70."

Michael: Oh my god, they just shot off Buster's good arm.
Byron "Buster" Bluth: And that's why you dont use a one-armed person to scare someone!

Michael: Are you just trying to get us at each other's throats like you did with the Boyfights videos?
Mexican Painter #1: Boyfights! Luchos de muchachos!
Mexican Painter #2: Si! Luchos de muchachos!
Mexican Painter #3: I have this video!
Narrator: Boyfights were a big hit in Latin America.

Steve Holt: [after GOB opens a new frozen banana stand] We don't even really know the recipe.
George Michael Bluth: There's no recipe. You just freeze a banana and stick it in the...
Michael: [quickly interrupting] Don't tell them!
Steve Holt: Stick it in the what? Stick it in the what?!

[upon seeing GOB's banana stand "mascots"]
George Michael: Are those strippers?
Michael: If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.


"Arrested Development: Whistler's Mother (#1.20)" (2004)
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Michael finds having his mother on the board problematic.
Lucille: Oh, I remember a certain young man who said "But I don't have scary dreams in your bed!"
[the board room starts laughing]
Michael: That was Buster!

Michael: You don't want to end up like Uncle Oscar, okay- living off handouts your whole life. Why don't you come up with a way to make money? A suggestion of something to invest in, or maybe a business idea.
Tobias Fünke: Well, I've always wanted to remake Annie Hall. Except, I wouldn't want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola though. Oh, but give me an old pro like a Robert Redford. Oh, I'd jump into bed with him in a second. And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: Actually, that time, that was what I was thinking.

Tobias Fünke: I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: That's not what I WAS thinking...

Lucille: Oh I seem to remember a certain young man who completely fell apart two weeks ago when I taped over the Nova special with the girl he liked on it.
Michael Bluth: That was Buster. And that's my point.

Tobias Fünke: I'm afraid that this offer comes off the table at midnight.
Michael: That may be the worst bluff I've ever heard.
Narrator: Even the members of Gobias industries agreed on that one.

George Bluth Sr.: Michael, do you have any idea what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?
Michael Bluth: Just one? No, I don't. It sounds wonderful, though.


"Arrested Development: Top Banana (#1.2)" (2003)
Michael Bluth: [Michael and George Michael are watching the banana stand burn to the ground] This is going to be our best summer ever.
[Gob scoots up]
Michael Bluth: You mailed that insurance check, right, Gob?
[Gob scoots off, Michael chases after him]

Michael Bluth: I burned it. Down to the ground.
George Bluth Sr.: There was money in that banana stand.
Michael Bluth: Well, it's all gone now.
George Bluth Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.
Michael Bluth: What?
George Bluth Sr.: Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...
[strangles Michael]
George Bluth Sr.: [yells, pausing after each word] There is money in the banana stand!
Prison guard: [George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No touching!
George Bluth Sr.: No touching!
Prison guard: No touching!

Michael: [opens a bag in the fridge marked "Dead Dove, do not eat", closes it quickly] I don't know what I was expecting...

Michael Bluth: You certainly haven't been shopping! The only thing I found in the refrigerator was a dead dove in a bag.
Gob: You didn't eat that dove, did you? Because I only have a couple of days left to return it.

T-Bone: [Michael arrives at the banana stand after suspecting his father of burning down a warehouse full of incriminating evidence and attempting to run the company from prison, to find T-Bone, a former inmate, working at the banana stand] Welcome to Bluth Banana, where bananas are our business. May I interest you in a banana this day?
Michael Bluth: T-Bone, what are you doing here?
T-Bone: Oh. Your dad gave me this job.
Narrator: Michael realized that his father had even taken control of the banana stand. But he still had some unanswered questions, so he did a little detective work.
Michael Bluth: You burned down the storage unit?
T-Bone: Oh, most definitely.

Michael: [about the Banana Stand] I burned it. Right down to the ground.
George Sr.: Are you kidding? There was money in that banana stand.
Michael: Well, it's all gone now, dad. So the next time you want have a little power struggle, just know that you're playing with fire.
George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the walls of the banana stand.
Michael: What?
George Sr.: Cash, Michael.
Michael: Why didn't you tell me?
George Sr.: How much clearer can I say
[yells]
George Sr.: There's always money in the banana stand!
Prison guard: [George Sr. Has grabbed Michael and started shaking him] No Touching!
George Sr.: [George puts his hands in the air] No touching!
Prison guard: No touching.


"Arrested Development: In God We Trust (#1.7)" (2003)
Michael: My mother is opposed to the idea of hiring a new attorney. She'll probably refuse to enter the room if she sees you.
Wayne Jarvis: I shall hide behind the couch.
[and he does just that]
Michael: Guy's a pro.

Lucille: You idiots! If your father sees me here with Wayne...
Michael: ...we'll be stuck with Barry!
Wayne Jarvis: I shall duck behind that little garbage car.
[and does just that]
Michael: Guy's a pro.

Michael: There's a big bowl of candy in my office, why don't you go eat it?
[Lucille enters and while the door is closing]
Wayne Jarvis: Wayne Jarvis, attorney at law. I have a responsibility to tell you that there is *no* candy in this office.

Michael: Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [to his secretary] I'm not here!
Barry's Secretary: Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?
Michael: Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, *and* I'm not paying for this phone call!
Barry Zuckerkorn: I am not a girl, you...
Barry's Secretary: [pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.

Gob: [chasing after Michael] Michael, I'm on to you! The Spanish lessons! If you're headed for Portugal, it's due south!
Michael: What? No it isn't!

Lucille: You idiots. If he sees me with Wayne...
Michael: ...we'll be stuck with Barry.
Wayne Jarvis: I shall duck behind that little garbage car.
[Wayne goes to hide]
Michael: Guy's a pro.


"Arrested Development: For British Eyes Only (#3.2)" (2005)
Lucille Bluth: And guess what else is back?
[Lucille winks]
Michael Bluth: My breakfast?
Lucille Bluth: My friskiness. Mama horny, Michael.
Michael Bluth: No, it's my breakfast. I'm amazed Dad hasn't strangled himself with his belt yet.
Lucille Bluth: Oh, we're into all kinds of freaky stuff.
Michael Bluth: Why do I eat breakfast before I come here?

Michael: [while Lindsay, George Sr., and Lucille are all doing chicken dances] Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

Michael: Maybe it's time you went out there and got yourself a girl... PET!
Buster: How about a turtle? I love those leathery little snappy faces.
Michael: You certainly have a type.

Gob: [after learning that George Sr. has been placed under house arrest] It wont be too long until dad strangles himself with his belt.
Michael: No, it turns out that they're into that.

George Sr.: [talking about his house arrest] You gotta get me out of here.
Michael Bluth: You're the one that said "no" to prison.
George Sr.: I was wrong. There you just had to shut your eyes and take it. Here, you have to shut your eyes and give it.

George Sr.: You didn't hear, we lost Andy.
Michael: What? What are you talking about? He didn't like his trailer?
Lindsay Funke: He thought we were making fun of him.
George Sr.: [the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck] No one was making fun of Andy Griffith. I can't emphasize that enough.


"Arrested Development: Amigos (#2.3)" (2004)
George Michael Bluth: You said I was hogging her. Like I was being a litlle Ann hog. Can she come with us?
Michael: Ann Hog's coming?

Michael: We cant take GOB with us.
Narrator: Michael and GOB had been to Mexico before.
Gob: [after a kid offers him some "chicle"] I'm the chicle? You're the chicle!
[proceeds to do his chicken dance]
Narrator: Unfortunately in Mexico, this was considered a much more inflammatory gesture.

Lucille: [about Gene Parmesan] Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me but he never did find anything.
Michael: He can't be very good then, can he?
Lucille: He's the best.
Narrator: Gene was far from the best.

George Michael Bluth: Way to plant, Ann.
Michael: George-Michael, why don't you take Plant and wait in the car?

Michael: I'm going to have to start putting people in the trunk.
Narrator: At that very moment, Buster was climbing into the trunk.
Buster: [videotaping himself] Mother, when you see this tape, you will know that I've left. Not out of cowardice, but out of... man, it's tired in here!@
Narrator: Six minutes later, Michael stopped to drop off his mother's housekeeper.
Buster: [Buster climbs out of the trunk] Mexico.
Narrator: In fact, Buster was in Santa Ana, a town six minutes inland from his own, but the combination of losing his glasses and breathing carbon monoxide had impaired Buster's judgement.
Buster: [seeking shelter] This will keep me safe from the hot Mexican sun.
Lupe: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Buster: I'm trying to find a place to live!

Michael: You know, this open marriage is ridiculous. Somebody's gonna get hurt.
Mae "Maeby" Fünke: The important thing is that you guys don't lose focus on yourself.
[Maeby walks away]
Tobias Fünke: You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, I know you're the big marriage expert - oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, your wife is dead!
[Michael and Lindsay stare in silence]
Tobias Fünke: I'm sorry, that was 100% inappropriate and I do apologize profusely. I do apologize profusely, I'm - oh...
[Tobias walks away in embarrassment]


"Arrested Development: Fakin' It (#3.10)" (2006)
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Mock Trial With J. Reinhold spawns imitators.
Gob: All rise, Bud Cort is now in session!
Bud Cort: Please be seated.
Gob: [as Franklin] Hard to be seated when you got someone's hand up your ass!
Bud Cort: Can we lose the puppet?
Narrator: And Michael discovers that he wasn't N. Bluth after all.
Michael: [looking at old family photos] I have an older sister?
Narrator: So much for not abandoning family.

Michael: [reading his birth certificate] "Nichael Bluth"? Oh my god, am I "N. Bluth"? Is he setting me up? If I'm N. Bluth, I'm going to prison!
Narrator: Nichael was worried.

Michael Bluth: I am not going to turn this mock trial into some kind of...
Gob: You were going to say "mockery", weren't you?
Michael Bluth: I was in trouble like three words into that.

George Bluth Sr.: [Michael gets the witness list for the deposition] Who's on the list? Any blabbers?
Michael Bluth: Just one, but he wont be talking unless there's a hand inside of them.
Tobias Fünke: Oh please, even then, I wouldn't say anything.
Michael Bluth: [stunned] That's reassuring. I was talking about Franklin, actually.

Michael Bluth: Is the an "N. Bluth" in the family we don't know about? They say there's been money found in an account under that name.
George Bluth Sr.: Of course not. The prosecution is trying to test us, see if we're going to turn against each other. They make stuff up. She doesn't exist.
Michael Bluth: Yet you refer to her as a she.
George Bluth Sr.: He... she... what's the difference?
Tobias Fünke: Oh here, here. In the dark, it all looks the same.

Michael Bluth: And I am going to be pretending to be your lawyer during the mock trial, whether you like it or not.
George Bluth Sr.: You're the lawyer! Oh, that's the same representation Captain Hook had.
Lucille Bluth: Oh, it's so good to laugh again!


"Arrested Development: Family Ties (#3.11)" (2006)
Michael: What the hell is that thing?
George Sr.: An electromagnet. Think of it as a giant delete key.

Michael: What's all this?
George Sr.: Computer stuff from the office.
Michael: No, no, no, no, pop. You're not doing another one of those Black Fridays, are you? The mass firings?
Narrator: Before firing his employees, George Sr. would be sure to clear the office of its valuables.
Ted: So when do we get to see our fancy new offices?
George Sr.: [closing the truck door] When you get your fancy new jobs. You're all fired.
Narrator: The employees never saw it coming, although their first task was to unload their equipment from a truck.
George Sr.: No, it's not black Friday although I did enjoy those.

Narrator: And Michael went to investigate his mystery sister.
Lucille: Michael! What a surprise!
Michael Bluth: Really? Were you expecting someone else? Maybe one of your... two daughters?
Lucille: Oh Lindsay and Tobias never visit.
[laughs]
Lucille: Oh we're so bad.
Michael Bluth: I meant Lindsay and Nellie.
Lucille: You call him that too? It's so great to be able to talk like this!

Michael: You know, I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.
Tobias Fünke: Ah, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.
Michael: OK, that's the last one.

Michael: [about Nellie] It's like we finish each other's...
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Sandwiches?
Michael: Sentences. Why would I say...
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Sandwiches?


"Arrested Development: The One Where They Build a House (#2.2)" (2004)
Michael: Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: [stunned] I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

Gob: We'll rock-paper-scissors for it.
Michael: You're not getting a boat.
Gob: One... two...
Michael: Not gonna do it.
Gob: Paper covers rock.
Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.

Michael: Listen, you know I didn't set you up, okay? And I really think the only reason you and I ever fight is that since we were little kids, Dad's always played us off each other.
Gob: Dad always said that was your fault.

Michael: I'm sure Egg is a great person.
George Michael Bluth: It's... it's Ann.

George Michael: Yeah, Ann loves eggs. Sometimes, she puts mayonnaise in her mouth, then she puts the egg in there and does this
[Imitates pushing an egg around in his mouth]
George Michael: She calls it a "mayonegg!"
George Michael: [pause]
[to Michael]
George Michael: Are you ok?
Michael: I don't feel so good.


"Arrested Development: Ready, Aim, Marry Me (#2.10)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: [after Michael asks Tobias to buy a tape recorder to record conversations of himself speaking] You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word "afraid"?
Michael: Well, I know I did in the jacuzzi.
Tobias Fünke: And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.

Michael Bluth: [looking at a gift basket Michael received] Didn't you get one of those, too? You bought Lindsay at the same auction.
Tobias Fünke: I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael Bluth: There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

[Michael walks out onto the balcony of Lucille's apartment and finds Uncle Jack sitting on the railing]
Michael: Are you sure it's such a good idea to be sitting up so high?
Uncle Jack: Ah, don't worry. Dragon's got me.
Michael: Dragon's in the bathroom.
Uncle Jack: Mama!

George Michael Bluth: Hey dad.
Michael: Hey buddy.
George Michael Bluth: Was that Gangy who was just -
[slips on Lucille's spilled drink and falls]
Michael: You all right? Sorry. Your grandmother had a little accident here.
George Michael Bluth: Oh. Does that means she's gonna have to come live with us?

Michael Bluth: [looking at the gift basket he received] You got one of these too, didn't you? You bought Lindsay at the same auction.
Tobias Fünke: Well, yes, but I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael Bluth: There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.


"Arrested Development: Prison Break-In (#3.7)" (2005)
Michael: We dont want to relive the TBA debacle.
Narrator: Years earlier, the Bluth's held their first fundraiser, but the family had a hard time agreeing on a cause.
George Sr.: [reading the slips] "Neckflap". "Ovarian Cancer". Gee, I wonder who that was? "Shrinkage". Somebody saw Seinfeld last night! Another one for "Neckflap".
Narrator: So they sent out invitations with the disease still to be announced. To their surprise, the Bluth's wound up raising over $25,000 dollars for TBA. Then, and here's the really horrible part, they did it again the following year.
Gob: [footage of George Michael's Star Wars Kid] Keep fighting, little guy! Soon, we'll rid the world of T.B.A.!
Michael: When they found out, we almost had a riot on our hands.

Michael: [after finding out that the prison warden plans to sleep with Lucille] Who's the "I" in that sentence?
Lucille: ME!
Michael: You?
Narrator: Her.

Michael Bluth: [Michael and GOB are trying to break into the prison] If only we had a map.
Gob: [rips off his shirt revealing a map] Like this? I drew it upside down.
Michael Bluth: This is going to be awkward.
Narrator: It was awkward.
Prison guard: [Michael is awkwardly positioned over GOB] Hey guys, if you want to party, maybe you should take it inside?
Gob: That was a freebie.

Michael Bluth: I'll just stay here and read, then.
Narrator: This too proved challenging as the Bluth family had no books.
[Michael opens up a box with copies of "The Man Inside Me"]
Narrator: Except for those. And that's when Michael got a glimpse of the warden's true intentions with his mother.
Michael Bluth: [after reading the screenplay] I wish I had read "The Man Inside Me".

Michael: Can't a guy call his mother pretty without making it seem strange?
Buster: Yeah, and how about that little tail on her? Cute!
Michael: I've opened a door here that I regret.


"Arrested Development: Let 'Em Eat Cake (#1.22)" (2004)
Michael Bluth: Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
George Sr.: First time!
Michael Bluth: I've never heard of a second.
George Sr.: I got the worst
[bleep]
George Sr.: -ing attorneys.

George Michael Bluth: [Michael wants to leave his family] I like the family. I mean, if we leave, who's gonna take care of these people?
Michael: I don't know. The state or the police. Maybe the Magician's Alliance will pick up some slack.

Gob: Nothing works in this house.
Michael: Tell me about it.
Lindsay Funke: Is that a shot at me?
Gob: Probably.
Lindsay Funke: Because for your information, I got a job.
Michael: Really? What kind of job?
Lindsay Funke: Beads.
Gob: Bees?
Lindsay Funke: Beads.
Gob: Beads?
Michael: Gob's not on board.

Michael Bluth: Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family.
Lucille Bluth: And a lot of love.
Michael Bluth: More lies.

Gob: Zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. I'm sick of playing second fiddle. I'm always third in line for everything. I'm tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.
Michael: You want to be in charge?
Gob: Yeah.
Michael: You want to deal with what I deal with? A sister who takes your money and throws it away. A mother who you can't trust. A company whose founder may be on trial for treason. Is that what you want?
Gob: What kind of vacation time does it offer?


"Arrested Development: Shock and Aww (#1.14)" (2004)
Michael: I'm afraid that I'll have to stop seeing you.
[she giggles, thinking it's a joke]
Michael: I mean, I've enjoyed our time together, but I...
Beth Baerly: You're serious? This isn't one of your "wife died" jokes?
Michael: No, I'm afraid this is serious.

Michael: [after the PTA meeting] Right and wrong. How can one thing be right and the other be wrong? I guess that's the
[growl]
Michael: of it.
Beth Baerly: [in high spirits] Yeah. They just kinda threw this class at me after Mr. Daniel's had a stroke.
Michael: [laughs] I had him! That's someth... Well, how is he?
Beth Baerly: Oh, well, he... had a stroke.
Michael: Oh, I thought you were kidding.
Beth Baerly: No, I was just laughing 'cause you were laughing.
Michael: Oh.
[beat]
Michael: [growl]
[they both laugh]
Michael: Let me ask you an ethical question. Is it ethical to ask a teacher out for a drink?
Beth Baerly: I don't know. Is there a wife?
Michael: Yeah, but she's dead.
Beth Baerly: [laughing over the "joke"] Have you ever married?
Michael: Yeah. She died.
Beth Baerly: Oh, I'm sorry. Why are we laughing?
Michael: I don't know. It's... Mr. Daniel's stroke all over again.
[nervous laughing]
Michael: Let's go get that drink.
Beth Baerly: Yeah.
Michael: [growl]

Lucille: I'm having a problem with Buster.
Michael: Oh, we can just flip the mattress over and pretend like it never happened.

Lucille Bluth: Michael, the little Korean is here, and I don't know what to do with him. At least I think it's a him. You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you could even tell.
Michael Bluth: Yeah. Mom, I just spoke to Social Services and, although they don't like to do this, if you can prove that it's a bad environment for a child - and I would suggest saying what you just said to me, don't change a word - they will take him back.

[Michael reveals that George Michael has a crush on Beth]
Beth Baerly: He knows we're going out. He saw me this morning
Michael: No, no, I covered that. I told him that you slept with my brother.
Beth Baerly: That may be the most unethical thing I've ever heard.
Michael: Well, you've only been doing this half a semester. Look, it was a preemptive strike. My brother would have *tried* to sleep with you.


"Arrested Development: Notapusy (#3.4)" (2005)
Michael: Oh that's a tough race.
Steve Holt: Only for a wimp, a wuss, a pussy.
Narrator: And Steve didn't mean "pussy cat".

Michael: Are those pills?
Steve Holt: I got them from Coach. They're filled with oxygen and it makes you incontinent. It's called "Oxy Incontin".

Lindsay Funke: Maybe if I can get Hope this crown, her father might just want to crown me, if you catch my drift.
Michael: I'm guessing "have sex", but that would be meeting you more than half way.

Michael: I'm not going to lie to your son.
George "Gob" Bluth II: Oh, come on! I lie to yours all the time.


"Arrested Development: Altar Egos (#1.16)" (2004)
Maggie Lizer: I'm blind!
Michael: I'm wasted!

[George Sr. has been offered a plea bargain nobody has read]
Michael: All right, listen, this is all getting a little crazy. We cannot accept their plea if we don't even know what the plea is.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Do you want to read it?
Michael: No, it is pretty thick. Maybe we should just take the plea.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Oh, I could kiss you on the nuts!
Michael: We just gotta hope that... what?

[after a one-night stand]
Gob: You should have stuck around to see me get some major action. From a major blonde. Who just "majored" in marine biology, if you know what I mean.
Michael: No, I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.

George Sr.: Next time this happens, I may not have a son in law to offer...
Michael Bluth: Well, I'm not...
[pauses]
Michael Bluth: OFFER?
George Sr.: Offer me counseling. He should have stayed a shrink.


"Arrested Development: Storming the Castle (#1.9)" (2004)
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Leather chair? So you're against stealing, but skinning cows is cool with you.
Michael Bluth: I'm fine, by the way. Frankly, your concern is getting embarrassing. Since when are you against leather?
Mae "Maeby" Fünke: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: I'm not against the insides. People need meat to survive.
Michael Bluth: You are aware that they don't remove it from the cow surgically, right?

Lucille: [about Buster dating Lucille Austero] I mean, she's been a family friend for years. It's just... creepy!
Michael Bluth: Hey, buddy.
Byron "Buster" Bluth: Hey.
Michael Bluth: Mom, I think you might be overreacting.
Lucille: She changed him as a baby.
Michael Bluth: OK, that's, that's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
Byron "Buster" Bluth: _That's_ why she didn't look surprised.

Marta Estrella: Actually, we had a big fight. He thought I was belittling his career, but I never would do that.
Michael Bluth: Neither would I. What career?
Marta Estrella: The magic?
Michael Bluth: Oh, the tricks! The little tricks. Those are great.
Marta Estrella: Well, he didn't like my reaction to his new one.
Gob: [In flashback: Gob pushes a metal spike through an apple in front of Marta and her sons] Real needle, real apple... real neck!
[Gob pushes the spike into his neck; blood appears to gush from it]
Marta's son: [screaming] ¡Él es zombi!
Marta Estrella: They're children! How could you do that?
Gob: Oh sure, first you dump all over it, now you want to know how it's done.

Michael: [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?
Narrator: [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias Fünke: [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver: [slurring words] Gothic asshole?
Tobias Fünke: That's what I said.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
Tobias Fünke: Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer]
Tobias Fünke: Yes, I am looking for the magic.


"Arrested Development: Sword of Destiny (#2.15)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: Time for me to take off my receptionist skirt and put on my Barbara Streisand in the Prince Of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.
Michael: What?

Narrator: Michael was upset to learn that a housing order his family was counting on was cut back.
Michael: [on the phone] But that does not give us enough capital to complete the job! We even had the blueprints drawn up and everything!
Narrator: Well... that part was not true, but they would have!

The Literal Doctor: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there's nothing more that I can do.
[everyone gasps]
Michael: Let him keep talking.
The Literal Doctor: Because Dr. Stein has been assigned to your case.

Michael: [GOB rides up on his segway with an ancient Chinese sword] You look like you're fighting dragons. From the future.


"Arrested Development: Queen for a Day (#2.8)" (2005)
Lucille: I bought it using the new unfrozen stock as soon as I received the memo.
Michael: You mean, the memo that specifically told you not to sell?
Lucille: Did it say that? I stopped after "unfrozen."

Tobias Fünke: My schedule however, is as open as my relationship with my wife. So why don't we pair up? And hit the town together! I'll be your wingman. Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!
Michael: OK, that's enough family stuff for today.

[the salesman is showing Michael a Corolla]
Car Salesman: We have about four hundred of these.
Michael: I don't know. I don't want anything too popular.
Car Salesman: It's not popular. We have four hundred of them.

Gob Bluth: So get this. I took his dress eyebrows.
Narrator: Sitwell suffered from a disease that rendered him completely hairless.
Michael: He's not gonna be happy about that.
Gob Bluth: No, especially when he goes to the opera with two mustaches on his forehead.


"Arrested Development: Switch Hitter (#2.7)" (2005)
Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it's breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.

George Michael Bluth: I just came to talk to you about the softball game. We need some girls on the team.
Michael: It's a league requirement.
Narrator: One that was difficult to keep, given GOB's behavior in the third inning of last year's game.
[GOB is running behind one of the female players, slapping her on the behind]
Narrator: And in the fifth.
[One of the female players falls down and GOB lays on top of her]
Narrator: Oh, and before the game.
[GOB pours water over the female players]
Michael: We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.

Michael: Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay Funke: [under the influence of Teamocil] Oh my god, my foot is bleeding!
Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael: Don't forget, we need you on the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay Funke: Of course, why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael: To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay Funke: Oh yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.

Michael: What do you think of when you hear the word, "Sudden Valley"?
George Michael Bluth: Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason I don't want to eat it.
Michael: Right. But, "Paradise Gardens"?
George Michael Bluth: Yeah... Okay, I can... I can see marinating a chicken in that.


"Arrested Development: Missing Kitty (#1.18)" (2004)
Michael: [to Lucille and GOB] Gee, I don't know what's more offensive - the fact that you didn't tell us about our grandmother's death or the fact that you sunk a $700,000 yacht!
Gob: I had $900,000 worth of insurance put on it.

Michael Bluth: [after Kitty flashes Michael] That's the 7th nipple I've seen today.

Gob: I did it! I sunk the yacht!
Michael Bluth: You what?
Gob: I sunk it!
Michael Bluth: You sunk a $700,000 yacht?
Gob: With $900,000 of insurance on it. Besides I disposed of all the evidence.


"Arrested Development: Spring Breakout (#2.17)" (2005)
Michael: Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out of rehab.
Gob: Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.
Buster: She's better than the whores you date.
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom's still got it!
Gob: I don't date whores!
Lindsay: Stop it, both of you! This objectification of women has got to stop!
Michael: It's just Mom and whores.

Gob: [fixes a drink while waiting for an intervention with Lucille]
Michael: Are you pouring a drink? What are you doing?
Gob: What if she's mad?
Lindsay: Good point.
Tobias Fünke: Perhaps I'll have a little sip of something...
Michael: Guys, what could she do to us?... do we have anything single malt?
Narrator: [thirty minutes later] And although the intervention didn't work...
Michael: We think you have a prollen.
Gob: You're a mesh.
Narrator: ...it turned into one of the Bluth family's better parties.

Michael: Well, maybe an intervention is the wrong approach. What about rehab? She was just a mess at the meeting. Where were you, by the way? I could've used your help with mom.
Gob: I believe I told you I was going to be off for the holidays. It's Spring Break.


"Arrested Development: Charity Drive (#1.5)" (2003)
[after Michael takes away a frozen Bluth banana from George]
Lucille: How much could a banana cost? Ten dollars?
Michael: You've never been to a supermarket, have you?

Gob: [whistling] I have some conditionsss...
Michael: Do you?
Gob: ...termsss... One condition and one term!

Michael: [in police car] What'd you do?
George Michael: Just trying to be a good guy.
Michael: Me too... let's go visit Pop-Pop.


"Arrested Development: Sad Sack (#2.5)" (2004)
Michael: Why haven't you talked to my brother, the new President of the company?
Wayne Jarvis: We did earlier. He claims to know nothing.
Michael: Well, that's not an act. He twice tried to heat up a Ding-Dong in a microwave while it was still in its tinfoil.
Wayne Jarvis: Twice?
Michael: Two times.

Michael: What's wrong with your voice?
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: [Raspy] Nothing. I've been going out.
Narrator: Lindsay had been going out frequenting singles clubs, also still hoping to make her open marriage work - which it won't.

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: I wonder how many women he's slept with, if any.
Michael: Lindsay, it's not a competition.
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Of course it is, Michael. That's why they call it scoring.
Michael: Maybe in the '70s.
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: Really? We've only been doing this for a month.


"Arrested Development: Public Relations (#1.11)" (2004)
Jessie Bowers: [George Sr. has just become a devout Jew] Your father is religious now?
Michael: Yeah.
Jessie Bowers: We'll play that up, it's very sympathetic.
Lucille: Yeah, who doesn't love the Jews?

George Bluth Sr.: [via satellite from prison] Some of my students are arguing the significance of the shank bone on the Seder plate. But we do NOT wag our genitals at one another to make a point!
Michael: Thought provoking.

Lindsay Bluth Fünke: [reading the article] "Lindsay's a combative, entitled princess"? I should hire someone to kick your ass for that!
Michael: Save your money.
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: You're right, I'll do it myself.
Michael: We're through. I don't want my son reading any more articles in the paper about us.
Jessie Bowers: Oh your son, stop using him as an excuse for everything you do. I told him that he was getting in the way of your happiness.
Michael: You said that to my son? You're on your own. Ladies...
[a riot breaks out in the restaurant]


"Arrested Development: Not Without My Daughter (#1.21)" (2004)
Maebe: So, you killed Kitty, huh?
Michael: No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.
[whoops and hollers heard from the conference room]
Michael: And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?
Maebe: Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?

Detective Fallows: Are you willing to take a polygraph?
Barry Zuckerkorn: [Michael refers to his lawyer for advice, who whispers rather loudly] Are you nuts?
Michael: [to the detective] Not without a better lawyer.

[Barry has a hooker with him during "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"]
Michael: I didn't know you had a daughter.
Barry Zuckerkorn: I don't.
Charlotte: I thought you wanted me to call you Daddy.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Why don't you wait for Daddy in the car?


"Arrested Development: The Ocean Walker (#3.6)" (2005)
Tobias Fünke: I'm videotaping your nuptials.
Michael: [camera is pointed at Michael's crotch] I dont think I need any footage of my nuptials.

Michael: [after watching Rita walk across the pool] Is that your trick, GOB?
George "Gob" Bluth II: No, Michael, that's not my trick.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development...
George "Gob" Bluth II: It's my illusion!
Narrator: Michael relives a wedding nightmare.

Michael: Tell me, at what point did you realize that you and Tobias had no chance at a physical relationship?
Lindsay: ...Oh, my God! Tobias and I have no chance at a physical relationship?
Michael: ...So, just now?


"Arrested Development: Meat the Veals (#2.16)" (2005)
Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael Bluth: G.O.B., weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

George-Michael Bluth: Gangy's having an anniversary party?
Michael Bluth: Seems that way.
George-Michael Bluth: Is Franklin gonna be there?
Gob: See that, Mike. Kids love Franklin.
George-Michael Bluth: I just don't want him to point out my cracker ass in front of Ann.

Mae "Maeby" Fünke: Who's the hottie?
Michael Bluth: This is Ann's mother.
Mae "Maeby" Fünke: Her? Does she look old enough to play Topher Grace's mom?


"Arrested Development: Righteous Brothers (#2.18)" (2005)
Michael: Go ahead and tell Gob that I'll be telling the cops that it was him in the truck, so he'll be joining me here. I have a nice, hard cot with this name on it.
Lucille: You'd do that to your own brother?
Michael: I said "cot."

[after George, Sr. escapes from under the model house]
George "Gob" Bluth II: Good news! Dad wasn't crushed to death.
Michael: There was a risk of that?

Michael: We cannot afford to lose each other.
Gob: I can't. I already lost a brother today.
Michael: Franklin?
Gob: Well, I didn't lose him, but he's all puckered and white.
Michael: On the plus side, you can take him to lunch at the club now.
Gob: [crying] That's the kind of joke he would have loved.


"Arrested Development: Hand to God (#2.12)" (2005)
Lucille: [after Michael answers the phone] Ahhhhhh.
Michael: You've really got to stop starting conversations like that.

Lucille: I asked God to take anything from Buster to keep him from going to war.
Michael: Mom, god's not going to answer a call from you.
Gob: I trained the seal to eat cats, and then released him in the ocean.
Michael: OK, you've got a better case than mom does.

Lucille: [the family is waiting for news on Buster from a very literal doctor] How's my son?
The Literal Doctor: He's going to be all right.
Lindsay Funke: Finally some good news from this guy.
George Michael Bluth: There's no other way to take that.
The Literal Doctor: That's a great attitude. I got to tell you, if I was getting this news, I don't know that I'd take it this well.
Lucille: But you said he was all right.
The Literal Doctor: Yes, he's lost his left hand. So he's going to be "all right."
Lucille: [Jumping on the doctor] You son of a bitch. I hate this doctor.
Lindsay Funke: How do we keep getting this guy?
Michael: Mom, he's a very literal man.
The Literal Doctor: Yes, that's more the way I would take the news.


"Arrested Development: Forget Me Now (#3.3)" (2005)
Michael: That's why I had this meeting here, so Dad could not interfere.
Larry: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
Michael: I'm sorry, have we met?
Bob Loblaw: This is Larry Middleman, he's your father's surrogate.
Michael: Surrogate?
Larry: That's right, you dumb fuck!
George Sr.: I hired this guy to wear a camera in his hat so he could be my eyes and ears while I'm stuck in this penthouse.
Larry: This camera helps me keep tabs on you idiots... while this thing rubs my ankle raw.
George Sr.: I mean, look at this thing...
Larry: I can't even go in the hallway...
George Sr.: Without hearing that...
Larry: Beep. Beep. Beep.

Michael Bluth: We're not here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw.

Michael: Buster got a medal, what for?
Lucille: Oh who knows what they were saying? It's probably because a seal ate his hand. Apparently, the army is giving out medals for being food now.


"Arrested Development: Justice Is Blind (#1.17)" (2004)
Lindsay Funke: [about the Ten Commandments] I don't know... give 'em to a school.
Michael Bluth: I don't want anymore of my family members having run-in's with the law. The Ten Commandments stay.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: So now you loooove the Ten Commandments.

Gob: Oh, now you love the ten commandments, yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father, and honor no one above him, unless it be-eth me, thy sweet Lord."
Michael: I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.

Veterinarian: Justice is fine.
Michael Bluth: Great.
Veterinarian: Although, dressing him up like a seeing eye dog seems a bit cruel.
Michael Bluth: Cruel?
Veterinarian: Well, yeah because he can't see.
Michael Bluth: What are you talking about?
Veterinarian: Mr. Bluth, Justice is blind.


"Arrested Development: The Immaculate Election (#2.14)" (2005)
Michael Bluth: [GOB is being escorted out of the office] You guys didn't have to do this...
Narrator: The guard had recently lost half his tie to "Office Magic".

Michael Bluth: I asked you to clean the house and you only did it once.
Lindsay Funke: You didn't even thank me for doing it.
Narrator: She didn't even do it that time but instead intercepted her mother's housekeeper Lupe.
Lindsay Funke: Yoo hoo! I'll take you the rest of the way!
Lupe: [holds up a pair of underwear] Almost done. Yours? Or Meesters?
Lindsay Funke: Meesters.
Narrator: Lupe never accepted a ride from her again.

Michael Bluth: So you still haven't put this stuff back yet? You've got to be the laziest person in the world.
Lindsay Funke: If you weren't all the way on the other side of the room, I'd slap your face.


"Arrested Development: Afternoon Delight (#2.6)" (2004)
Michael Bluth: Well, you do it your way, GOB, I'm just here to have fun.
Gob: Well, not too much fun. I gave my big sexual harassment speech earlier today.
Gob: [earlier that day] Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office *bleep* or *bleep* -ing, or finger *bleep* or *bleep* -sting or *bleep* -esting or *bleep* eing or *bleep* or even *bleep* . Oh and if anyone tries anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my *bleep* . And I'll personally *really long bleep* .

Lucille: I have a plan to stave off intruders.
Michael Bluth: What's that?
Lucille: [holds up an air horn and a fire poker] First I blow him then I poke him.
Michael Bluth: [stunned] Guy doesn't know what he's in for.

Michael Bluth: You may want to start acting like the president, GOB. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: Yeah, like the president has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB had started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] Yeah, like I'm going to spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit! COME ON!
Gob: [at the elevator] Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. COME ON!
Gob: [in the bathroom] Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit! COME ON!


"Arrested Development: Good Grief! (#2.4)" (2004)
[Michael catches George-Michael sneaking hard-boiled eggs to George Sr]
Michael Bluth: I think George-Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: From who, the Nazis?
Michael Bluth: No, his girlfriend from me. I just caught him sneaking up to her in the attic and he clearly did so because he thinks I don't approve. I think I'm gonna invite her to the wake. Why make him hide? Why do to him what... Why do to him what Dad used to do to me?
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: [sobbing] He was so amazing.
Michael Bluth: That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was. You're really going through something here, huh?
Lindsay Bluth Fünke: I know. You know, it's funny-all those years when I pretended to cry... I used to use Dad's death to get me going. I tried it with Mom's, but I'd just end up smiling and ruining it. But it feels, like, real. You know? And you haven't really allowed yourself to grieve much at all, Michael.
Michael Bluth: My relationship with Dad was much more-much more complicated than yours. It was predicated a lot on secrets and lies. There wasn't a lot of trust there.
Tobias Fünke: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. I'm not gonna cry about my pa. I'm gonna build me an airport, put my name on it. Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? You can keep them bottled up, Michael, but they will come out. Sometimes in the most unexpected...
[opens refrigerator and looks inside]
Tobias Fünke: Hey, where the fuck are my hard-boiled eggs?

Michael: His name is Gary and we don't need any more lawsuits.
Gob: Wait... Gary's gay? He's going to think I was coming onto him.
Gob: [flashback] You've got a nice mouth.
Gob: [flashback] I'd kill for that ass.
Gob: [flashback] Now lately, the chair doesn't seem to give out but as soon as I lean back...

Michael Bluth: It's as Ann as the nose on Plain's face.


"Arrested Development: My Mother the Car (#1.8)" (2003)
Gob: I was halfway to South America, but I couldn't let you get away with it, because we're brothers, Mom, and we kind of like each other.
Michael Bluth: You were going to South America?
Gob: I don't think so.

Michael Bluth: Fine, we'll have a party
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: For Gangey?
Michael Bluth: Yeah, how'd you know?
George Michael Bluth: She called and invited us.
Lindsay Funke: [to Michael] Okay, maybe it was her idea.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: We don't have to come, do we?
Michael Bluth: Come on, this is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.


"Arrested Development: Key Decisions (#1.4)" (2003)
Michael: [to GOB] I keep saying "What's more important than family"?
Lucille: MICHAEL!
Michael: It's mom, hide!

Michael: Lindsay, you have to cut back on everything, okay? I'm even selling the corporate jet.
Lindsay Funke: Great. So now we don't have a car or a jet? Why don't we just take an ad out in I'm Poor Magazine?
Michael: Look, I'm trying to get developments started, all right? I've got six guys on bulldozers waiting to get underway.
Lindsay Funke: Bulldozing?
Michael: Yup.
Lindsay Funke: Well, what about the trees?
Michael: Oh, we're just gonna cover them with blankets. I'm ripping them out.
Lindsay Funke: Anything for a buck, right? You are so materialistic.
Michael: Don't suddenly turn this into one of your causes.
Lindsay Funke: It's not suddenly, Michael. I've always been deeply passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?
Michael: I'll never forget your wedding.
Lindsay Funke: I care deeply for nature.
Michael: You're wearing ostrich skin boots.
Lindsay Funke: Well, I don't care about ostriches.


"Arrested Development: Development Arrested (#3.13)" (2006)
Tobias Fünke: I booked a wonderful spot for the party - the Queen Mary. Perhaps I should call the hot cops and tell them to come up with a more nautical theme. Hot sailors. Better yet... Hot sea...
Michael: [quickly interrupting] I like hot sailors.
Tobias Fünke: Me too.

Michael: Yeah, well, where is George Michael, by the way?
Gob Bluth: He came by the yacht, gave me this shiner.
Michael: He hit you? What for?
Gob Bluth: You know teenagers. Probably lashing out at you because of who I'm dating.
Michael: Who are you dating?
Gob Bluth: Ann.
Michael: Her?
Gob Bluth: Don't worry. I didn't fight back or anything. I was like, "Oh, no, take the yacht. Please don't hurt me." You know, just build up the little guy's self-esteem.


"Arrested Development: Beef Consomme (#1.13)" (2004)
Michael Bluth: Mom wanted me to tell you she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead, she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in a blue sweater.
Buster: Dammit! I hate the blue sweater!
Michael Bluth: She said it would look nice with the gray pants.
Buster: Dammit! She's right!

Marta: What's the matter?
Michael: It's my mother. Probably just calling to remind me about... Dad's hearing.
Marta: Oh, I understand. With my father, it's the vision.


"Arrested Development: Burning Love (#2.9)" (2005)
George Sr.: [George Sr. installs a hot tub in the attic] It's so hot. You got to get it outta here, Mikey, my *eyes*, they're burning.
Michael Bluth: That's why people don't typically cook in these things or install them in attics.
George Sr.: They looked good on the package.
Michael Bluth: Is that chicken marsala stuck in the intake?

Tobias Fünke: This is the chance to right the small wrong that I did.
Michael Bluth: You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.


"Arrested Development: Visiting Ours (#1.6)" (2003)
Gob: I fucked Kitty!
Michael: Oh, no! I only wanted you to get the information!
Gob: Michael, I got the information!
Michael: You did? About the international accounts?
Gob: [beat] Oh, I see where you're getting at. No, I didn't get the information.
Michael: Well, you just lost the touchlamp.
Gob: Michael, no!
Michael: I'll use the touchlamp to help set the mood in the trailer where Dad's nailing Mom!
Gob: You are filthy!

Gob: I got great news.
Michael: Good, I could use some. I just had to convince Mom to have sex with Dad.
Gob: [repulsed] Oh, God! Michael, what is wrong with you? You're disgusting!
Michael: What's wrong with you?
Gob: Oh, just the thought of Mom and Dad... together... I have a sense of propriety.


"Arrested Development: Exit Strategy (#3.12)" (2006)
Adelaide: Oh Buster, you're such a (bleep)
Michael: [Buster looks confused] That means she likes you.

Michael: And you finished off the whole bottle?
Lindsay Funke: I had to, it's vodka. It goes bad once it's opened.
Michael: I think that's another of mom's fibs, like "I'll sacrifice anything for my children".


"Arrested Development: Best Man for the Gob (#1.19)" (2004)
Michael: We're gonna go on a fishing trip.
George Michael: Why? What did I do?

Tobias Fünke: I guess what I'm saying is... I wanna reunite the band.
Michael: Oh no.
Narrator: Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne Acquisition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.


"Arrested Development: Marta Complex (#1.12)" (2004)
Michael: I love you all, Marta.


"Arrested Development: Mr. F (#3.5)" (2005)
Michael: What's a Surrogate doing here?
Larry: We're meeting with the lawyers.
George Sr.: So I hired this guy to be my eyes and ears.
Michael: You know, dad, this guy costs us a fortune.
Larry: He's worth every penny.
George Sr.: Hey, I didn't say that.