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: The boy said something about an argument and a lot of shouting. What was that about, sir? Paul Gerard
: It was a trivial matter. Lt. Columbo
: Yes, sir. Most arguments seem to start that way.
: Sorry, Mr. Gerard, but I can't let you get away with it. Paul Gerard
: What? Lt. Columbo
: Your recipe. You didn't think I'd remember, did you? It's onion sauce.
: Well, this is quite a coincidence. I had no idea you were here. Paul Gerard
: Would you care to join me? Lt. Columbo
: Well, I'm really not hungry, sir. I just polished off three mushrooms stuffed with crab meat, but I'll join you anyway. If you're anything like me, you're not too crazy about eating alone.
: I'm beginning to regard you as an old acquaintance, Lieutenant. Lt. Columbo
: Well, thank you very much, sir. I'm beginning to know you pretty well, too.
: What makes you think Vittorio was in some sort of trouble? Lt. Columbo
: Mainly because he was murdered, sir. The two, trouble and murder, they seem to go together. At least that's been my experience, sir.
: [referring to Vittorio's death
] Albert, can all this be true? Albert
: Mr. Gerard, Vittorio was a fine man. You're a food critic, great critic. I'm a simple chef, but I'm sure I speak for chefs everywhere when I say I wish it was you dead in there.
: I wanted you to have one last taste of Tokyo before you begin your tour of American restaurants. Kenji Ozu
: They won't believe this when I send back the story. They think I'm eating hot dogs and grits. Eve Plummer
: Have you ever eaten grits? Kenji Ozu
: No, not yet. Eve Plummer
: Don't bother.
: I expected to see you at Mr. Rossi's funeral. I guess you couldn't make it. Paul Gerard
: I never go to funerals. I prefer to remember my friends as I saw them last. Lt. Columbo
: I believe Mr. Rossi was yelling at you when you saw him last. Isn't that right, sir? Paul Gerard
: You mustn't take me literally, Lieutenant.
: Have you eaten? Lt. Columbo
: Ah, yes, sir. It seems I've been eating quite a bit lately. It's terrific.
: Oh. One more thing. Gee, I almost forgot what I came here to ask ya. Paul Gerard
: Fortunately, you remembered.
: You're a very able man, Lieutenant. I respect that, but I really don't care for you very much. Lt. Columbo
: You know, sir, I was thinking the same thing about you. I respect your talent, but I don't like anything else about you.
: [Watching Paul Gerard eat the dish he prepared
] What do you think? Paul Gerard
: Lieutenant, I wish you had been a chef. Lt. Columbo
: I understand, sir.
: When did you first suspect me? Lt. Columbo
: Well, as it happens, sir... about two minutes after I met you. Paul Gerard
: That can't be possible. Lt. Columbo
: Oh, you made it perfectly clear, sir, the very first night when you decided to come to the restaurant directly after you were informed that Vittorio was poisoned. Paul Gerard
: I was instructed to come here by the police. Lt. Columbo
: And you came, sir. Paul Gerard
: Yes. Lt. Columbo
: After eating dinner with a man that had been poisoned. You didn't go to a doctor. You came because the police instructed you. You didn't go to a hospital. You didn't even ask to have your stomach pumped. Mr. Gerard, that's the damnedest example of good citizenship I've ever seen.