Lt. Columbo
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Quotes for
Lt. Columbo (Character)
from "Columbo" (1971)

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Prescription: Murder (1968) (TV)
Lt. Columbo: There's just one more thing, sir!

Dr. Ray Flemming: Lieutenant, if there's any further way I can be of assistance to you...
Lt. Columbo: Oh, no, no, no, you just make out that list, that'll be fine, Doc.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Thank you.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, oh, one more thing, before I forget...

Lt. Columbo: Lieutenant Columbo.
Burt Gordon: My name's Gordon. I'm with the District Attorney's Office.
Lt. Columbo: Yes sir, I know.
Burt Gordon: I appreciate it. Anything you can do for Dr. Flemming, he's a good friend of mine.
Lt. Columbo: I'll try.

Burt Gordon: Any, uh, any progress so far?
Lt. Columbo: Well, it's, uh, still a little early, but, uh, you know, sooner or later, something usually breaks.
Burt Gordon: Mmm-hmm. Well, let's make that "sooner," right, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Try my best.
Burt Gordon: Yeah, I'm sure you will.

Burt Gordon: I don't think I have to remind you that this could be... quite the little feather in your cap. Wrap it up and everybody's happy. Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Um, yeah, I'm sorry. I was, uh, I was just thinking about something.
Burt Gordon: What was that?
Lt. Columbo: No, it's nothing important. It's, uh, Dr. Flemming, he didn't call to his wife when he came back to his apartment.
Burt Gordon: I don't follow you.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, well, I was in the bedroom. I was checking some things, and I heard him open the front door, and he didn't say anything, and... gee, it's funny how people are different, isn't it? Now you take myself, when I come home from a trip, uh, the first thing I do is I say, "Honey, you here?"
Burt Gordon: Exactly what is your point, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Point? Oh, I wasn't making a point.
Burt Gordon: It sounded to me as if you were. You heard the man admit that he had an argument with his wife. He probably still had a chip on his shoulder this morning.
Lt. Columbo: I was only tryin' to...
Burt Gordon: Lieutenant, I have already told you that Dr. Flemming is a close, personal friend of mine. Now I hope he's not going to be annoyed by a lot of tactless remarks, especially at a time like this.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Gordon. I guess I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Lt. Columbo: [first words ever said by Columbo] Dr. Flemming?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Who are you?
Lt. Columbo: Lieutenant Columbo, police.

Dr. Ray Flemming: Well, what is it? Tell me!
Lt. Columbo: Well, um, somebody broke in here and tried to kill her.
Dr. Ray Flemming: [Flemming feigns shock for a moment when the words register] "Tried" to kill her?
Lt. Columbo: That's right, Doctor. She's lucky she's still alive.
Dr. Ray Flemming: [feigning relief] She's still alive! Well, where is she now? Is she conscious? Has she been able to say anything?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'm afraid not. She's been in a coma.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Well, what's her condition right now? Oh, come on, I must know the truth!
Lt. Columbo: It's not very good, Doctor. We only hope she comes to long enough to be able to talk to us.

Dr. Ray Flemming: [after trying to get through hospital regulations in order to see his wife in intensive care] Hospital red tape.
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, I know what you mean, Doctor.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Well, let's get on with it.
Lt. Columbo: Get on with what?
Dr. Ray Flemming: YOUR red tape.

Lt. Columbo: [reaching in his pockets] Oh, uh, a few questions for my report, Doc.
[searching other pockets]
Lt. Columbo: Now, uh, you were in Mexico when this thing took place, and... uh... the dates there were... uh, gee, you don't have a pencil, do ya?
[Flemming hands him his pen]
Lt. Columbo: Thanks. You know, my wife, she gives me one every morning, but I just can't seem to hold onto it.

Lt. Columbo: There must be something wrong with me. I seem to bother people, to make them nervous.

Lt. Columbo: I think I'm too suspicious. I don't trust people, that's my trouble.

Lt. Columbo: What'd you say, Doc?
[pause]
Dr. Ray Flemming: [laughs] You're a very funny man.
Lt. Columbo: I wasn't trying to be funny.
Dr. Ray Flemming: But you are, and more than you know.

Dr. Ray Flemming: They expect me to be on call at all hours.
Lt. Columbo: Same with me, Doctor.

Dr. Ray Flemming: People don't always do the rational thing.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, they sure don't! You learn a lot about that in my line. Well, I guess you do in yours too.

Lt. Columbo: You know my sister, she has a living room that's very, very modern. But the minute you sit down in it, you can't open your mouth. You know, she's got this big kidney-shaped coffee table, it upsets me just to look at it. Her husband doesn't say anything and I figure the coffee table got to him years ago.

Dr. Ray Flemming: Is there something I can do for you?
Lt. Columbo: Oh no, not really, doctor, no. I, I just came up to bring back your pen. I forgot to give it to you at the inquest.
[hands it over]
Dr. Ray Flemming: Well thanks, I missed it.
Lt. Columbo: You know, that's my trouble, I got a bad memory. My wife tells me I ought to have strings on all ten fingers.

[Lt. Columbo has a drink with Dr. Flemming in his office, and looks at his bookshelves]
Lt. Columbo: Like to read, huh, Doctor?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Yes, I do.
Lt. Columbo: You read murder mysteries?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Not very often.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, me, I love 'em. I find 'em nice and relaxing. You know, the only trouble is that they got nothin' to do with real life. I mean, the guy who did it, they catch him every time, and you and I know that it doesn't always work out that way.
Dr. Ray Flemming: You never stop, do you?
Lt. Columbo: What?
Dr. Ray Flemming: The insinuation, the uh, change of pace. You're a bag of tricks, Columbo. Right down to that prop cigar you use.

Joan Hudson: I want to call my lawyer.
Lt. Columbo: Dr. Flemming murders his wife and you want to call YOUR lawyer?

Dr. Ray Flemming: I want the man who murdered my wife. Everything else is irrelevant.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'm only trying to...
Dr. Ray Flemming: I know. You're only trying to tie up loose ends. Well, if you spent a little less time on loose ends, maybe you'd come up with something important. You know, sometimes I get the impression you think *I* killed my wife.
Lt. Columbo: You? Oh, no, Doc. How could you? You were out of town.
Dr. Ray Flemming: I'm glad you remembered that. Unless you think I hired someone to kill her. The boy who confessed? Maybe I paid him to do it.
Lt. Columbo: No, Doc, you didn't do that.
Dr. Ray Flemming: How do you know?
Lt. Columbo: I already asked him.

Lt. Columbo: I was wondering, Doctor, would you take me on as a patient?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Take you on as a what?
Lt. Columbo: No, I mean it. Maybe you can help me. I don't know, There must be something wrong with me. I seem to bother people. I seem to make them nervous. Maybe you can tell me why.

Dr. Ray Flemming: I'm going to tell you something about yourself. You say you need a psychiatrist? Maybe you do and maybe you don't, but you are the textbook example of compensation.
Lt. Columbo: Of what, Doc?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Compensation. Uh, adaptability. You're an intelligent man, Columbo, but you hide it. You pretend you're something you're not. Why? Because of your appearance. You think you cannot get by on looks or polish, so you turn a defect into a virtue. You take people by surprise. They underestimate you, and that's where you trip them up, like coming here tonight.
Lt. Columbo: Boy, you got me pegged pretty good, Doctor. I'm gonna have to watch myself with you, because, uh, well, you figure out people pretty good.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Now you're trying flattery.
Lt. Columbo: No, really, I'm serious, doctor. You've got a gift there. Oh, I know it's your job and I know you've studied for years, but still it's... well, it's amazing that a person can come in here and sit down and in a couple of hours, you know all about them.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Well, not quite. Psychiatry isn't a parlor trick.

Lt. Columbo: Well, I know it's easy enough to figure out about a patient or a guy like me that's always hanging around all the time, but what about a stranger? What about a, uh - a fella that you'd never met before? Can you tell what makes him tick?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Any particular one in mind?
Lt. Columbo: No, nobody special. Just - just a type.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Like a murderer, for instance?
Lt. Columbo: Well, yeah, now that you mention it. I guess we're on the same wavelength.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Yes, I guess we are.

Dr. Ray Flemming: What about this hypothetical murderer?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'm not talking about your average hothead, you know, the guy who pops somebody over the noggin with a bottle. What I mean is, uh, the kind of man that, uh, figures everything out in advance, who takes everything step by step. What do you know about that kind of man, Doctor?
Dr. Ray Flemming: I should charge you for this, but since it's on a theoretical basis, let's just call it a free consultation. All right. We are talking about a man who commits a crime, not the garden variety barroom brawl, but an elaborate intellectual project. What do we know about this man? Obviously, he's not impulsive. He plans, he calculates. He minimizes risks. He's oriented by his mind, not by his emotions. And he's probably well educated, too.
Lt. Columbo: Like maybe a professional man?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Like maybe. At any rate, an orderly man with an eye for detail and courage.
Lt. Columbo: Courage?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Oh, certainly. To go through a thing like this, whatever it may be, it takes a strong nervous system.

Lt. Columbo: But one thing bothers me, Doctor. This man that we're talking about has taken a human life. Now wouldn't you say that he was insane?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Why? Because he committed an immoral act? Morals are conditioned, Lieutenant. They're relative, like everything else is today. Our murderer may be as sane as you and me. Killing may be repugnant to him, but if it's his only solution, he uses it. That pragmatism, my friend, not insanity.
Lt. Columbo: Tell me, Doctor, how do you catch a man like that?
Dr. Ray Flemming: You don't.
Lt. Columbo: You're probably right. He sounds just too clever for us. What I mean is, you know, cops, we're not the brightest guys in the world. Of course, we got one thing going for us: we're professionals. I mean, you take our friend here, the murderer. He's very smart, but he's an amateur. I mean, he's got just one time to learn. Just one. And with us, well, with us, it's - it's a business. You see, we do this a hundred times a year. I'll tell ya, Doc. That's a lot of practice.

Dr. Ray Flemming: With all that experience, you jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Lt. Columbo: What do you mean?
Dr. Ray Flemming: I didn't kill my wife.
Lt. Columbo: I never said that you did.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Oh, that's true. Imply. "Imply" is more the word. But if I killed my wife - and I did say "if" - you're never going to be able to prove it.

Lt. Columbo: You know what I think the problem is? I think I'm too suspicious. I don't trust people. That's my trouble. For instance, when I get taken off a case, right away I figure somebody put the pressure on. Right away I ask myself why. What do you think, Doc?
Dr. Ray Flemming: I think you'd better get out of here.
Lt. Columbo: Beg your pardon?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Columbo, you're a public servant. You say you've been taken off the case, fine. Bother me again, and I shall have to talk to your superiors.
Lt. Columbo: You've been talking to a lot of people these days, Doctor.

Dr. Ray Flemming: Columbo, you are magnificent. You really are.
Lt. Columbo: Well, what makes you say that, Doc?
Dr. Ray Flemming: You're the most persistent creature I've ever met, but likeable. The astonishing thing is, you're likeable. Has anyone ever told you you're droll?
Lt. Columbo: Who, me?
Dr. Ray Flemming: Yes, you.
Lt. Columbo: [embarassed, laughing] Oh, come on, Doc. Come on, come on.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Oh, but you are. You're a sly little elf, and you should be sitting under your own private little toadstool. You say you've been thrown off the case, and yet you have the flagrant audacity to come back here and bother me again. I respect that. It irritates me, but I respect it. How about a drink?
Lt. Columbo: Well, all right.

Lt. Columbo: Miss Hudson? I hope you understand that this is only the beginning. In a way, I feel sorry for you, because from now on, I'm going to do everything I can to break you down. Do you understand? Doctor Flemming made one mistake and you're it. You're the weak link, Miss Hudson. Now, you surprised me today, because you were strong, but there's always tomorrow and the day after that... and the day after that... and sooner or later, you're going to talk to me. Until you do, you're going to be questioned. You're going to be followed... and you're going to be hounded... and Doctor Flemming can't do anything about it. You're on your own, Miss Hudson and I'm going to get to him through you. That's a promise.

Dr. Ray Flemming: [Dr. Ray Flemming stands at the window of his girlfriend's apartment with his back towards Columbo. He laughs at what Columbo has just mentioned about Miss Hudson being dead and that he has nothing to live for and that maybe he'd want to confess to the murder of his wife. He turns around and speaks to the lieutenant] You're a very funny man.
Lt. Columbo: I wasn't trying to be funny.
Dr. Ray Flemming: But you are, more than you know. So you want me to purge myself? My one and only love is dead and I have nothing more to live for, is that it?
Lt. Columbo: All I'm saying, Doctor, is that if you love that girl...
Dr. Ray Flemming: Love that girl? Look, Columbo, I overestimated you. I thought you understood about human nature. I never loved that girl.
Lt. Columbo: Come on, Doc.
Dr. Ray Flemming: No, really. Remember that hypothetical murder that we were talking about? He needed an alibi. The girl was available, so he used her. It was as simple as that.
Lt. Columbo: No. You killed your wife because you were in love with the girl.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Well, if I killed Carol, then there's no proof that I did it. I did it for myself, not for some dime-a-dozen little actress.
Lt. Columbo: She helped you with the murder. You'd have had to marry her.
Dr. Ray Flemming: Not really. Something would've been arranged, like an accident maybe.
Joan Hudson: Always planning ahead, aren't you, Ray?
Joan Hudson: [Dr. Flemming turns around and sees her girlfriend standing there, alive. Understandably, he's dumbfounded] He said there was something I should hear.
Lt. Columbo: [He goes over to her, then looks out the window in the door and realizes that the woman who was assumed to be the late Miss Hudson is a fake. Knowing that he has just been beaten by Lieutenant Columbo, he quietly surrenders and has a smoke outside] Would you like to make a statement now?
Lt. Columbo: [Miss Hudson nods. Columbo tries to find something to write with, but can't. A detective offers him a pen or a pencil] Why don't we sit down? We'll be more comfortable.
[They do just that while Doctor Flemming takes a smoke outside the apartment, ending the pilot]


"Columbo: Negative Reaction (#4.2)" (1974)
[while trying to find a witness at a homeless shelter, a nun mistakes Lt. Columbo for a homeless man]
Sister: [looking at Columbo's raincoat in dismay] Oh, that coat! Tch, tch, tch! That coat, that coat, that coat...! Oh, I'm sure that we can find something nicer for you in the other room. Something maybe a bit warmer? What-what size are you? Do you know?
Lt. Columbo: I think there's a misunderstanding.
Sister: Oh, no, brother. No false pride between friends.

Lt. Columbo: You know what bothers me?

[Lt. Columbo goes down to the evidence room to follow up on an idea]
Captain Sampson: Columbo! Hey! What are you doing down here in the dungeon?
Lt. Columbo: How ya doing, Captain. Well, I was just checking out a few things: the Galesko kidnapping.
Captain Sampson: Galesko? I thought that case was closed.
Lt. Columbo: Well, you know me, Captain. Just, uh, tying up some loose ends.

Paul Galesko: [gesturing at Columbo's camera] Lieutenant, may I ask, what's the meaning of that?
Lt. Columbo: You noticed. I'm sorry, sir, I tried to be inconspicuous.
Paul Galesko: Well, you failed, miserably.

Lt. Columbo: Well, look, I won't hold you up any longer. I want to apologize again if I caused any disturbance.
Paul Galesko: All right, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Ah, one more thing, sir. I almost forgot. One more thing that I wanted to check on. Uh, probably not important... um...
Lt. Columbo: [to Galesko's driver] Could you excuse us?

Captain Sampson: Columbo, why... why are you wasting your time with this?
Lt. Columbo: Because it bothers me, and I couldn't sleep, and, uh, I kept thinking about it!

Lt. Columbo: I'll tell ya, if I'm right about this, it's gonna tickle the life outta me!

Lt. Columbo: [prepares to leave] Well, I'll be running along, sir. Thank you very much for the time.
Paul Galesko: It's all right.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, there's one other thing, sir, uh... it's a bit of a problem...

[Paul Galesko enjoys a successful showing of his work with his assistant and his publisher]
Ray: Ooh, ooh, ooh, and, and, uh, talking about books, that funny little man came by my office again yesterday.
Paul Galesko: What man?
Ray: Oh, you know, the uh, policeman.
Paul Galesko: Bombarded you with questions, I suppose, huh?
Ray: Oh, yeah. Yeah, but he bought one of your volumes, so it wasn't a complete waste of time, eh?
Lorna McGrath: You know, he did take quite an interest in your work the other day.
Ray: Mm-hm.
Paul Galesko: [spots Columbo at a distance] And today as well.
Lorna McGrath: Hm?
Lt. Columbo: Mr. Galesko, sir!
Ray: Ah, good afternoon, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: [to Paul] I've been looking all over for you, sir.
Paul Galesko: [exasperated] You have.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, uh, I hope I'm not interrupting...

Paul Galesko: Lieutenant, did you want something?
Lt. Columbo: Is there someplace, sir, that you and I could, uh, talk?
Paul Galesko: [irritated] Columbo, you're becoming very annoying, do you know that?

Lt. Columbo: I know I've been a pest. I'm just trying to do my job. I won't bother you anymore.
Paul Galesko: Oh, I hope you mean that, Lieutenant. For your sake and for mine.

Lt. Columbo: Excuse me, Mr. Galesko, I hate to trouble you...
Paul Galesko: Columbo, what are you doing here?
Lt. Columbo: If I'm interrupting anything, you just tell me...
Paul Galesko: No, of course not.

Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
Sergeant Hoffman: Yes, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
Policeman: Yes, sir.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
Second Policeman: Yes, I am, sir.
Paul Galesko: Witness to what?
Sergeant Hoffman: You just incriminated yourself, sir.

Lt. Columbo: I think I'm crazy.
Lt. Columbo: [writing note] Why didn't he rent car sooner?

Lt. Columbo: [intrigued by a mirror image photo of the same woman] Maybe I'm nuts but, uh, this is the same photograph, isn't it?
Camera store clerk: Yeah?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I was lookin' at this thing before and, uh... Now in this picture her left arm is bent, but in this picture her right arm is bent. I mean, now she's got two bent arms.
Camera store clerk: Well, you see, that's a reverse negative, Lieutenant. You see, what's originally on the right comes out on the left and what's on the left on the right.
Lt. Columbo: You mean, I could have a picture where I'm on the right and my wife's on the left and we do this reversal and then I would be on the left and my wife would be on the right?
Camera store clerk: Absolutely.
Lt. Columbo: I'll be a monkey's uncle. You learn sum'pin' every day.

Lt. Columbo: [cutting up a newspaper] Just one minute, sir. I'm looking for a K.

Lt. Columbo: What is this, beef stew?
Thomas Dolan: That is the prevailing theory.

Paul Galesko: Lieutenant, that is not a good picture. The exposure's way too light, the framing is off, everything's way off center, the framing... It's not a good picture, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: You know, you're right.

Lt. Columbo: There's one other thing, sir, ah...

Lt. Columbo: I wouldn't do that.

Lt. Columbo: You see this newspaper? This is the same edition of the newspaper that the letters and words for the ransom note were cut out of. I'm trying to reconstruct that note.
Paul Galesko: You need any help with your spelling, lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: I'll tell you what the problem is. We found this newspaper in the motel room. It was sprawled over a chair. It was left there, even though the maid said that she cleaned up the room.
Paul Galesko: Yes, I told you. She probably lied.
Lt. Columbo: That's the problem, sir. You see this terrible mess I'm making? There's just no way to cut up this paper and paste together this note without making a mess. I know. I tried it last night, my wife and I.
Paul Galesko: Columbo, what's your point?
Lt. Columbo: My point is this: if the maid forgot to clean up the room, then why didn't we find little bits and pieces of paper somewhere? You see the problem? If she did clean up the room, then everything gets thrown out. All the bits and pieces of paper gets thrown out and the newspaper gets out. If she doesn't clean up the room, then these scraps of paper, they have to be somewhere. You can see the contradiction.


"Columbo: Now You See Him (#5.5)" (1976)
Lt. Columbo: You know, I would have bet money that he couldn't get out of those cuffs.
Michael Lally: Don't ever bet with Santini. He's the cream of cream.

Lt. Columbo: Ooo, you're a remarkable man, Mr. Santini.
Santini: How keen of you to notice it.

Santini: [Handing him the handcuffs back] Your handcuffs!
Lt. Columbo: [satisfied he is the murderer] I knew you could do it!

Santini: And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder!
Lt. Columbo: Perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There is no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.

Lt. Columbo: How does a man get shot from the front and have the body land here? The door has to be opened. The murderer opened the door. Jerome did NOT open the door. Jerome is in his office. He's ANYWHERE. He HEARS the door open. Now he comes walking forward to see what happened. The murderer sees HIM, shoots him from the front, and the body falls just where we found it. THAT I can understand.

Rogers: Handmade. Two special baffles. I figured as much when I saw the key. That's why I can't figure out how it happened.
Lt. Columbo: How WHAT happened?
Rogers: This lock was picked.
Lt. Columbo: Are you sure?
Rogers: Take a look. Now, you see those scratches? Somebody picked it open with a thin piece of steel. Impossible - but it happened.

Lt. Columbo: Now, when the cube is in the water tank, you're not really in that cube, right?
Santini: Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Lt. Columbo: It's not that I want you to give away any professional secrets.
Santini: My dear friend, I'd rather confess to a murder than to do THAT.

Lt. Columbo: Can you verify that?
Santini: Can I verify WHAT?
Lt. Columbo: That you were actually here?
Santini: Well, you really ARE something.

Lt. Columbo: I'm trying to explain something that is not explainable.
Harry Blandford: [chuckling] It sounds like you're talking to Santini.

Lt. Columbo: I figure he's the kind of man that could do almost anything if he put his mind to it.
Michael Lally: You mean his hand to it.
Lt. Columbo: Right.

Lt. Columbo: I'm gonna leave this coat in the car. If someone tries to lift it, you look the other way.

Santini: Lieutenant, what IS it about me that you find so irresistible?
Lt. Columbo: Why, you know how it is, sir. I gotta check out all the leads until I get my man.

Santini: Why, Lieutenant, you've been checking up on me.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I really don't have any choice, sir.
Santini: Why are you so preoccupied to find out my real identity?
Lt. Columbo: Your origin may be more humble than you make it appear.
Santini: And what about you, Lieutenant? Beneath that ruffle exterior there ticks away the heart of an empiricist philosopher, probing for the truth at all costs.
Lt. Columbo: I'm just doin' my job.
Santini: You make it sound so proletarian.

Lt. Columbo: [applying deductive reasoning to the crime scene] He never did what he came up here to do. He came up here to count his money, double-locked the door, put the money on his desk, but he never opened the box. Why? Was it because he got absorbed in listening to music, or did he have something more important to do?
Sgt. John J. Wilson: I would assume it was because he had something more important to do.
Lt. Columbo: I think he had something more important to do.

Sgt. John J. Wilson: You know, Lieutenant, you WOULD wear reading glasses if you were typing.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, you WOULD wear reading glasses if you were typing, but there was no paper in the typewriter.
Sgt. John J. Wilson: Hm.
Lt. Columbo: And there was no typewritten documents on either the desk, in the drawers, or on top. There is nothing in this room to indicate that that man was typing.

Lt. Columbo: "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party."

Lt. Columbo: I hope you were watching carefully. That's my best trick. Of course, I don't have your style, but I get pretty good results.


"Columbo: Murder Under Glass (#7.2)" (1978)
Lt. Columbo: Oh, I do a little cooking, sir. Nothing fancy. Mrs. Columbo, she's a remarkable woman. She has lots of interests... but cooking isn't one of them. She gives me plenty of encouragement.

Lt. Columbo: The boy said something about an argument and a lot of shouting. What was that about, sir?
Paul Gerard: It was a trivial matter.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir. Most arguments seem to start that way.

Lt. Columbo: Sorry, Mr. Gerard, but I can't let you get away with it.
Paul Gerard: What?
Lt. Columbo: Your recipe. You didn't think I'd remember, did you? It's onion sauce.

Lt. Columbo: Well, this is quite a coincidence. I had no idea you were here.
Paul Gerard: Would you care to join me?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'm really not hungry, sir. I just polished off three mushrooms stuffed with crab meat, but I'll join you anyway. If you're anything like me, you're not too crazy about eating alone.

Miss Choy: Lieutenant, you forgot your fortune cookie.
Lt. Columbo: To tell you the truth, ma'am, I could use some good news.
[reads fortune]
Lt. Columbo: "Cheer up. There is more than one fish in the sea." That's the kind I always get. Once, I would like it to say I'm gonna be rich and go away on a long trip. Just once.

Paul Gerard: I'm beginning to regard you as an old acquaintance, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Well, thank you very much, sir. I'm beginning to know you pretty well, too.

Lt. Columbo: That dim sum reminds me of the kind I used to have at home.
Miss Choy: At home, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Right around the corner from Chinatown was an Italian neighborhood. When I was a kid, I bet I had more eggrolls than I had cannelloni.

Paul Gerard: What makes you think Vittorio was in some sort of trouble?
Lt. Columbo: Mainly because he was murdered, sir. The two, trouble and murder, they seem to go together. At least that's been my experience, sir.

Lt. Columbo: I expected to see you at Mr. Rossi's funeral. I guess you couldn't make it.
Paul Gerard: I never go to funerals. I prefer to remember my friends as I saw them last.
Lt. Columbo: I believe Mr. Rossi was yelling at you when you saw him last. Isn't that right, sir?
Paul Gerard: You mustn't take me literally, Lieutenant.

Paul Gerard: Have you eaten?
Lt. Columbo: Ah, yes, sir. It seems I've been eating quite a bit lately. It's terrific.

Kenji Ozu: Are you a lieutenant with the American Army?
Lt. Columbo: Ah, no sir. Los Angeles Police.
Eve Plummer: Homicide, right, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: That's right, ma'am.
Kenji Ozu: Ah, there was a murder movie on the plane. Brilliant.

Kenji Ozu: Do you have a hot suspect?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I've got my eyes on one.
[Turns to look at Paul Gerard]

Lt. Columbo: Oh. One more thing. Gee, I almost forgot what I came here to ask ya.
Paul Gerard: Fortunately, you remembered.

Paul Gerard: You're a very able man, Lieutenant. I respect that, but I really don't care for you very much.
Lt. Columbo: You know, sir, I was thinking the same thing about you. I respect your talent, but I don't like anything else about you.

Lt. Columbo: [Watching Paul Gerard eat the dish he prepared] What do you think?
Paul Gerard: Lieutenant, I wish you had been a chef.
Lt. Columbo: I understand, sir.

Paul Gerard: When did you first suspect me?
Lt. Columbo: Well, as it happens, sir... about two minutes after I met you.
Paul Gerard: That can't be possible.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, you made it perfectly clear, sir, the very first night when you decided to come to the restaurant directly after you were informed that Vittorio was poisoned.
Paul Gerard: I was instructed to come here by the police.
Lt. Columbo: And you came, sir.
Paul Gerard: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: After eating dinner with a man that had been poisoned. You didn't go to a doctor. You came because the police instructed you. You didn't go to a hospital. You didn't even ask to have your stomach pumped. Mr. Gerard, that's the damnedest example of good citizenship I've ever seen.

Lt. Columbo: Good evening, ma'am. My name is Lt. Columbo, Homicide. I'd like to speak to Paul Gerard. Is he home?
Eve Plummer: I'm not sure.
Lt. Columbo: Is it a big place or is he just out to the police?


"Columbo: A Matter of Honor (#5.4)" (1976)
Lt. Columbo: You know, I think my wife was right. Something wrong with me. Supposed to be on vacation, and right away I'm thinking like a cop. That's called, uh, occupational hazard.
Jaime: "Occupational hazard?" Uh, what is that?
Lt. Columbo: That's, uh, when wherever you go you take your work with you.
Jaime: Oh, I see. Uh, we call that "loco."

[Lt. Columbo recommends Commandante Sanchez order an autopsy on Hector Rangel]
Commandant Sanchez: Lieutenant, I can see the newspapers: "Don Luis Montoya, the Idol of Mexico, a Murder Suspect?"
Lt. Columbo: That's your problem. I'm just a tourist here.
Commandant Sanchez: Yeah, that's my problem. You know, a policeman who jeopardizes his pension, he must be loco, right?

Lt. Columbo: [referring to bullfighting] I don't know how you fight those things to make a living.
Luis Montoya: It's more than a living, Lieutenant. It's a way of life.
Lt. Columbo: I'll tell you the truth, uh, I don't think I would enjoy watching a man kill an animal like that, as big and as mean as he is.
Luis Montoya: Perhaps you do enjoy the spectacle of two men in the prize ring beating each other senseless, or murdering an innocent deer with a rifle, or catching a fish with another one which is still alive. Our culture is different than yours, Lieutenant. No better or worse, perhaps, but, uh, different.

Commandant Sanchez: If there is a crime here, I want to get to the bottom of it. Better yet, I would like YOU to get to the bottom of it.
Lt. Columbo: Me?

Commandant Sanchez: Montoya must have a motive.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, every man has a motive.

Lt. Columbo: May I ask you a personal question, sir?
Luis Montoya: Oh, by all means.
Lt. Columbo: Did you injure your leg in the bullring?
Luis Montoya: [nodding] On the Plaza Del Toros, Mexico. It was the wound that ended my career. And, ironically, it wasn't even the bull I was supposed to fight. You see, I was appearing mano a mano with a young matador who froze, and the bull gored him. I jumped to his rescue, and I, too, was gored. Badly. Here. They tried to take me to the infirmary along with the young matador, but I refused to go. Despite the blood flowing from my wound, I stayed in the ring and I did one of the best faenas of my career. I killed the bull with one thrust. The people loved it! They stood up and gave me an electrifying ovation. Two ears and a tail! That was my last fight.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that must have taken a lot of courage, sir.

Lt. Columbo: [to Sanchez] Yes, I can see that, but it's important to be thorough - especially when a man dies alone.

Lt. Columbo: [to Sanchez] No, the bull was the murder weapon, sir, like a gun.

Commandant Sanchez: I have to go, Lieutenant. There's been a terrible accident out at the Montoya Ranch. Maybe you'd like to accompany me? We could talk on the way over.
Lt. Columbo: My wife is waiting at the hotel.
Commandant Sanchez: All right. I understand. You know, I was thinking that, uh, maybe we could speed up the paperwork on your accident - but, of course, you have to go to your wife, that's all.
Lt. Columbo: That sounds like blackmail.
Commandant Sanchez: Lieutenant, would I do such a thing to a fellow police officer?

Commandant Sanchez: A bull like Marinaro, how much he worth?
Luis Montoya: $8,000 - more with inflation.
Lt. Columbo: Seems like a valuable piece of property to destroy without permission.

Lt. Columbo: Let's start with small things. Let's finish our coffee.

Lt. Columbo: Actually, I thought if I got the chance I'd like to come out here one more time before I left. I'm fascinated by everything out here, but I don't want to be a pest.
Luis Montoya: Oh, not at all, Lieutenant. You're welcome here anytime.
Lt. Columbo: Well, thank you very much, sir. I've been fascinated by everything I've seen out here and I still think there's a lot to learn.

Lt. Columbo: Is that the autopsy?
Commandant Sanchez: That's the weather report.
Lt. Columbo: [trying to read it] It's in Spanish.
Commandant Sanchez: Yes, I know that. The people at the weather bureau speak it very well.

Lt. Columbo: I'll tell you the truth. I got a crazy notion I know why Rangel was killed.
Commandant Sanchez: What?
Lt. Columbo: Trouble is I don't think anybody's gonna believe me.

Jaime: [regarding a piece of splintered wood] That is not from a pick, señor. That is from a lance.
Lt. Columbo: Well, what's the difference?
Jaime: The picks are used in the ring. They have metal tips to wound the bull, lower his head.
Lt. Columbo: And the lance?
Jaime: They are used in the fields by the vaqueros for herding. They are made of pine, not so strong.
Lt. Columbo: Well, now I'm puzzled.

Lt. Columbo: What is this "pinchazo in the glodio?"
Commandant Sanchez: [correcting] "Gluteo." That's a puncture in the buttocks.
Lt. Columbo: Well, did the bull get him there, too?

Lt. Columbo: That's some baby!


"Columbo: Double Exposure (#3.4)" (1973)
Lt. Columbo: I had an uncle who made a killing in real estate up in San Dimas.
Roger White: Do tell.
Lt. Columbo: You know what this guy did before he started sellin' dirt?
Roger White: Mm-mm.
Lt. Columbo: Drove a school bus.
Roger White: Wow.
Lt. Columbo: Now he's got a ranch, a couple of Cadillacs, sends out embossed Christmas cards.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, that reminds me, uhh... Mr. Norris' secretary showed me an agenda of a Board of Directors meeting that was scheduled to take place today, and on the top of the list it said "Terminate Keppel." I was just wondering about that, uh... I don't know quite how to put this. How about it, Doc? Were you about to be canned?
Dr. Bart Keppel: I-I think you put it very directly. You're about as subtle as a train wreck.

Dr. Bart Keppel: [at an intersection] Which way?
Lt. Columbo: Beg pardon?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Right or left? You didn't tell me where the murder was committed, Lieutenant, so I couldn't possibly know how to get there, could I?
Lt. Columbo: Turn right.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Nice try, though.
Lt. Columbo: Can't win 'em all.

Lt. Columbo: Doctor? Doctor Keppel? Doctor Keppel? Good afternoon, Doctor! Afternoon. Uh, Doctor? Scuse me, sir.
Dr. Bart Keppel: I gather you are not a golfer.
Lt. Columbo: Uh, no, sir, I do bowl, a little, but you see this hand...
Dr. Bart Keppel: It's customary to be very still when a man is trying to hit a golf ball.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, did I ruin your shot?
Dr. Bart Keppel: No-no, just a little.
Lt. Columbo: Well, listen, I'm sorry. Since it was my fault, maybe they'll let you do it over?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Not at the stakes we play!

Dr. Bart Keppel: Tanya Baker is the kind of girl that a man doesn't like to admit he knows at all, and certainly not if he's married, and I am married. I hope I can rely on your discretion, Lieutenant, now that you know?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, absolutely, sir. Nothing to worry about. No, I'm from, uh, homicide. I'm not from the vice squad.

Lt. Columbo: [eating caviar] That's delicious!
1st Detective: It oughta be. Costs $80 a jar.
Lt. Columbo: $80?
1st Detective: Yeah?
Lt. Columbo: O-o-o. That must be about $15 right in my mouth.
[1st detective laughs]
Lt. Columbo: We better get out of here.
[1st detective laughs]
Lt. Columbo: We're gonna get arrested.
[1st detective laughs]

Dr. Bart Keppel: You stole something from me?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, nothing serious. Fact is, the night of the murder I was hungry, I saw some of your caviar around and I... took the liberty of helping myself. Just thought I'd mention it.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Don't be silly. As long as you enjoyed it.
Lt. Columbo: That's the funny part. I didn't enjoy it. Too salty. And you know, I didn't notice it when I was eating it, but when I went to the projectionist's later on, I remember I felt a little thirsty. All of the sudden, I wanted something to drink, so he had some iced tea there, thank goodness... Oh, that reminds me. Take a look.
Dr. Bart Keppel: [opens and reads Columbo's document] Autopsy report.
Lt. Columbo: I thought that... if I took caviar and it made me thirsty, I figured maybe it would make him thirsty.
Dr. Bart Keppel: So you ordered an autopsy. That's very astute, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you very much, Doctor. It was the only way that I could find out whether or not Mr. Norris ate any caviar. According to this report, he did.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Mm-hm. Yeah.
Lt. Columbo: Quite a bit. Pretty big eater. Uh, Doctor?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: In light of this new information, I was wondering whether or not... you could find it in yourself to be more helpful at this point?
Dr. Bart Keppel: If the man was thirsty... and he was subjected to several subliminal cuts of, say, a tall, cool drink, that would cause him to get up and leave the screening room and go to find the nearest water fountain... Is that what you mean?
Lt. Columbo: I had something like that in mind, yes. And that COULD happen?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Oh, yes, indeed.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, thank you very much. You've been VERY helpful.

Dr. Bart Keppel: [having listened to Columbo's theory] You're an interesting man, Lieutenant, very interesting.
Lt. Columbo: I take it, that's a compliment?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes, it tis; however, you have to take it a bit further. You may really be onto something; you have to take the next step.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, what is that, sir?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Look at the film, examine it carefully, see if there are any subliminal cuts. Oh, of course, I should have realized. You've already done that.
Lt. Columbo: I have.
Dr. Bart Keppel: What did you find?
Lt. Columbo: No splices.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Aw, that's too bad. What a shame. Such a good idea.
Lt. Columbo: Could've been two prints.
Dr. Bart Keppel: TWO prints! Well, that's an interesting notion, too. If I were you, I'd get busy and find that second print. Your entire case could rest on that.
Lt. Columbo: Doctor, I don't think I'm gonna find the second print.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Really? Why not?
Lt. Columbo: I think that the criminal in this case is much too intelligent to leave that kind of evidence around. Of course, I'm gonna check all the film duplicating labs, but I got a feeling this guy did his own duplicating.
Dr. Bart Keppel: That must be very frustrating for you, Lieutenant.
[Doctor Keppel leaves but Columbo follows and catches up]
Lt. Columbo: Uh, Doc? I just wanted to thank you for all your help.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Anytime.

Lt. Columbo: Dr. Keppel?
Dr. Bart Keppel: [growns] Ohh... Lieutenant, what is it?
Lt. Columbo: May I speak to you privately?
Dr. Bart Keppel: [sighs; to his narrator] Charles, why don't you watch the film. We'll talk afterwards.
Dr. Bart Keppel: [to the projectionist] Go ahead and run.
Dr. Bart Keppel: [finally to the lieutenant] Columbo, what do you want?
Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry to disturb you, Doctor. I have sad news. Mr. White, your projectionist, he was just shot.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Is it... bad?
Lt. Columbo: Dead, sir.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Uhhhh... I would be very interested to know if there is any connection between that and the Norris murder. Would you keep me informed?
Lt. Columbo: You know, Doctor, I'm going over there now, and I was wondering, uhh...
Dr. Bart Keppel: You were wondering if I would go with you... to the scene of the crime?
Lt. Columbo: How d'you know that?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Oh... Lieutenant, I know where you're coming from, and I know where you're going, and it isn't very difficult to figure you out.
Lt. Columbo: I don't understand.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Well, for some reason, you have come up with the remarkable notion that I am guilty of Vic Norris' murder. Never mind that I have no motive, or that I scarcely knew the man, or that he was my best... client. Your innuendos keep clumping through our conversations like hobnailed boots, and if I didn't find you a... an extraordinarily... amusing fellow, I might even be offended.
Lt. Columbo: Doc, if I'd have known I was making that kind of impression, I would have left and never come back. The fact of the matter is, I knew White worked for ya, and I thought you might wanna come. And I thought you might be able to help. Honest. I think you'd be a great detective.
Dr. Bart Keppel: All right, Lieutenant... I'll play.

Lt. Columbo: Uh-oh. Another bad one, huh, Doc?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes, that's a bad one!
Lt. Columbo: Let's see if I can help you find that!
Dr. Bart Keppel: Why don't you come to the point, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: The real point?
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes. The real one. That one. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Lt. Columbo: I think you're guilty of homicide. I think you killed Mr. Norris, and I think you killed the projectionist.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Lieutenant, how could I have killed Mr. Norris, or anybody else, when I was standing in plain view of everyone in the screening room at the time?
Lt. Columbo: You couldn't.
Dr. Bart Keppel: No.
Lt. Columbo: So you weren't.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes... but they DID see me.
Lt. Columbo: No, sir. They heard you. And you had a tape recorder. And it was dark.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Wait a minute. Let me get one thing straight. I was told that all of the testimony was unanimous. Everyone in the room swore they saw me there. Is that true?
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Has someone CHANGED their testimony?
Lt. Columbo: No, sir.
Dr. Bart Keppel: No, they haven't! Well, when they do, we'll be able to pursue this fascinating line of speculation. Ah! Here's my ball. There it is. I'll just toss it out a bit... and no one will ever know... and I can go on with my game.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, by the way, sir, before I interfere with your swing... I won't be able to be your alibi for last night when Mr. White was shot.
Dr. Bart Keppel: I'm so sorry to hear that. Why not?
Lt. Columbo: Because I was only with you from 7:30 on... and Mr. White was killed before 7:30.
Dr. Bart Keppel: That's more speculation?
Lt. Columbo: No, sir. Mr. White was not killed during the second reel of that film. He was killed during the first reel, and that would have given you plenty of time to get to your office.
Dr. Bart Keppel: How did you come up with this conclusion?
Lt. Columbo: Because there was no nickel.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Uhhh... I beg your pardon?
Lt. Columbo: No nickel. Under the #2 projector, on the floor, there was no nickel. How do you like that? You see, this fellow White, the projectionist, he told me he had a little trick. He takes a nickel and he puts it in the reel down by the end, so that when the nickel falls out, he knows it's time to change the reel. Under the #2 projector there was no nickel. In my opinion, sir, Mr. White did not change the second reel. You did.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Ahhhh... I marvel, at you Lieutenant. I... I really... I am fascinated by your imagination, but... as far as I know, a court of law in this country still requires some... SOME kind of... evidence, don't they?
Lt. Columbo: That's right, Doc. And I don't have any.
Dr. Bart Keppel: I don't see any. Do you?
Lt. Columbo: Not enough to convict,
Dr. Bart Keppel: I can't see how, so we'll just have to let it go at that for the time being, since we don't have any alternative, and I really can now get on with my game.
Lt. Columbo: Nice shot, Doc.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Yes!
Lt. Columbo: For a while there, I thought I was gonna spoil your game.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Not a chance, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: Finally got some hard evidence! What is that, Doctor? I'll be a son of a gun. A calibration converter. Do you have the key to that case? Looks like a .22. Fit nicely into a .45 automatic. That's why the barrel and chambers were clean when ballistics checked out the gun. That's a lovely touch. A converter. I never figured on a converter. And one hidden in a lamp. Doc, I woulda sworn you had a gun hidden in here - and I was trying to smoke you out - but I never figured on this.
Dr. Bart Keppel: A subliminal cut. You used a subliminal cut!
Lt. Columbo: No, quite a few subliminal cuts. From some photos I made. Came in here with Milt last night and we shot some pictures... It must have been the ones around the lamp... Those are the ones that did it. Maybe it was that fella.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Let me... see. May I?
Lt. Columbo: We had them processed last night, and we cut 'em into your movie this morning.
Dr. Bart Keppel: I know one thing, Lieutenant, you have to admit... you never would have solved it without using my technique.
Lt. Columbo: That's right, Doc. If there was a reward, I'd support your claim to it.
[Dr. Keppel laughs, half-mad]

Dr. Bart Keppel: Well, Lieutenant, unless you think I can be of any further help, in my opinion, as you people say... that about wraps this up.
Lt. Columbo: I don't think she did it.
Dr. Bart Keppel: You are an incredibly stubborn man. After all the facts you've established, it's obvious the projectionist and Mrs. Norris were in it together.
Lt. Columbo: I STILL don't think she did it.
Dr. Bart Keppel: In that case, I am deeply grateful for one thing.
Lt. Columbo: And what is that, Doctor?
Dr. Bart Keppel: That you've established that White was killed between 7:30 and 8:00, because you and I have been together constantly since 7:30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now; otherwise, I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Heh... I'll ignore that, because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you, personally, are my alibi.
Lt. Columbo: And that's a tough nut to crack.
Dr. Bart Keppel: That's not tough. That's impossible. Uh... I imagine you can find someone to get you back to your car.
Lt. Columbo: Certainly.
Dr. Bart Keppel: Good. In that case... goodbye... Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies, she always picks the wrong murderer. I wanna tell you something: If my wife decided to murder me, she could come up with a better alibi than you got.

Dr. Bart Keppel: Sounds like you feel a little empty-headed at the moment, but I don't think you're empty-headed at all.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, thank you very much.


"Columbo: Any Old Port in a Storm (#3.2)" (1973)
Columbo: My handwriting is so bad, sometimes I think I should've been a doctor.

Columbo: [to Ric's fiancée] You two didn't have a fight or anything, did yuh?
Joan Stacey: No, but...
Columbo: Maybe he got cold feet. That's been known to happen. Was he married before?
Joan Stacey: Three times.
Columbo: Three times. I guess his feet are warm enough by now.

Officer: [seeing Columbo's unlit cigar] Hey-ay, can I light that for you?
Columbo: No, no thanks. Tryin' to cut down. All I do is chew 'em lately.
Officer: Why don't you chew a cheaper cigar?
Columbo: I don't want to cut down on my standard of living.

Columbo: [Become dizzy after standing up] Oh, boy!
Adrian Carsini: You all right?
Columbo: I didn't realize I drank that much. Whatta ya call that stuff?
Adrian Carsini: Cabernet sauvignon.
Columbo: I usually don't drink anything I can't pronounce, but I can see I got a lot to learn. First thing I gotta learn is how to hold my cabernet sauvignon.

Columbo: I'm still a little hung over from Mr. Carsini's Cabernet, uh, what-cha-ma-call-it.

Columbo: Did it rain last Tuesday?
Bartender: Mister, I can't remember what happened this morning.

Columbo: Uh, excuse me. My name is Lt. Columbo, I'm with the Los Angeles Police Department, and I need a little help. Uh, can anybody here tell me - did it rain last Tuesday?

Karen Fielding: I must have your name.
Columbo: Why would you want my name when you have such a nice name yourself?

Columbo: He allowed YOU to decant the claret?
Falcon: Yes. I was honored.
Columbo: Man needs a very steady hand for that.
Falcon: [laughs] Oh, yes. Very steady.

Columbo: How can you tell a good wine from an average wine?
Frenchman: By, uh... the price.

Adrian Carsini: Why were you assigned to the case? I mean, you're-you're in homicide, aren't you?
Columbo: I just go where they tell me to, sir.
Adrian Carsini: Well, doesn't look right to me. It looks like they, uh... they suspect someone of, uh, foul play.
Columbo: Well, maybe they do, sir, but you certainly don't have anything to worry about. You were three thousand miles away at the time of his death, right?
Adrian Carsini: Right.

Columbo: [as his dinner guests are served Ferrier Vintage Port, 1945] Drinks all around.

Adrian Carsini: You're an Italian, aren't you?
Columbo: Uh, yes, sir, on both sides.
Adrian Carsini: Well, you should know about good wine. It goes with the heritage.
Columbo: Well, I guess I kind of messed up in that department. I'm gonna tell ya somethin' else - uh, I'm probably the only Italian in the world who can't sing either.

Adrian Carsini: I think you're really gonna like this wine. It's a...
Columbo: Oh, don't tell me. Let me guess.
[sips wine]
Columbo: Sensitive breeding. Rich bouquet. Strong vinosity. Well, it's a Burgundy; I'm just not sure whether it's a Pinot Noir or a Gamay.

Adrian Carsini: You've learned very well, Lieutenant.
Columbo: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.


"Columbo: Étude in Black (#2.1)" (1972)
Dr. Benson: [referring to Columbo's dog] Say, how old is he?
Lieutenant Columbo: Kinda hard to say. You see, I just picked him up at the pound. His time was up, if you know what I mean.

Lieutenant Columbo: Okay, Doc. Thanks for staying open. I got these peculiar hours...
Dr. Benson: Ah, no sweat. My wife doesn't like music. She watches murder mysteries, so whenever the concert's on, I work late.

Lieutenant Columbo: I can't stand suicide. Murder is bad, but suicide is sadder.

Lieutenant Columbo: [Upset that a beautiful young pianist has apparently committed suicide] A man... the man... a person... somebody. Woman like that's gotta have somebody. Eyes like that! But that's me, I'm paranoic. Every time I see a dead body, I think it's been murdered. Can't imagine anyone murdering themselves... especially a young girl like that... beautiful eyes... but that's me. I'd like to see everyone die of old age.

Lieutenant Columbo: I never got to ask you last night what I wanted to ask ya.
Alex Benedict: Go ahead.
Lieutenant Columbo: Terrific place. Terrific.
Alex Benedict: Thank you. We like it.

Lieutenant Columbo: Can I ask you a personal question?
Alex Benedict: Please.
Lieutenant Columbo: What do you pay in taxes on this place?

Lieutenant Columbo: Anyway, what I was going to ask you is this: How much do you make?

Lieutenant Columbo: I had a thought. Listen to this: what if she didn't commit suicide?
Alex Benedict: Uh, isn't that peculiar? Because that's what I was gonna say. That... That... I was awake almost all night thinking about the same thing.
Lieutenant Columbo: No kidding.
Alex Benedict: Yes... only I rejected the idea.

Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, she could've passed out from the gas. And she coulda fallen off that chair and she could have bumped her head; but, uh... you know, that was a pretty good bump. You know, someone coulda hit her.
Alex Benedict: That's just an assumption on your part.
Lieutenant Columbo: Right. Very difficult to prove.

Lieutenant Columbo: Well listen. Audrey, it's been nice talkin to ya, and I appreciate the advice about the dog.
Audrey: [Looking at the dog] What's his name?
Lieutenant Columbo: Ya know, I don't know the name yet? What do you think about 'Fido'?
Audrey: [sarcastically] Oh, WOW, how'd you ever think of THAT one?

Lieutenant Columbo: Listen, I really appreciate your taking the time to chat with me like this. You know, this is a lonely business, and it's nice just to have someone that ya... well, just air out your thoughts with.
Alex Benedict: You know, it's shocking... SHOCKING when you think about suicide, the word. Now, see, I can understand how she might have killed herself, but what possible reason for someone to kill her?

Lieutenant Columbo: [presenting his car to Mike the mechanic] What do you think of this?
Mike Alexander: Have you ever thought of getting a new car?
Lieutenant Columbo: No, you see, I already have two cars. Of course, my wife's car is nothing special. That's just for transportation. You understand.
Mike Alexander: I only work on foreign cars.
Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, it's a foreign car.
Mike Alexander: Oh, I know, but... there are limits, mate, you know?

Lieutenant Columbo: Are you still with me?
Alex Benedict: I'm standing here.

Paul Rifkin: You're not for real, Lieutenant. The only thing next door is a laundromat.
Lieutenant Columbo: Well, there USED to be a cigar store.
Paul Rifkin: You're not a jazz freak. You made a special trip over here to see me. Why?


"Columbo: An Exercise in Fatality (#4.1)" (1974)
Columbo: Thank you very much, ma'am. You've been very helpful.

Columbo: Oh, Mr. Janus, just one more thing, please.

[last lines]
Columbo: It could only be you. By your own admission, it had to be you. Mr. Stafford was last seen around 7:30, wearing his business clothes. Now, he's alone in the building, the building is locked, and the next morning, he's found dead in his gym clothes and at 9:00 the previous evening, nine hours before the body was found, you, and you alone, knew that he was in his gym clothes. You said so. You swore to it in front of five witnesses. How did you know he was in his gym clothes, if you didn't change the clothes? You try to contrive a perfect alibi, sir, and it's your perfect alibi that's gonna hang you.

Milo: What the hell gives you the right, Columbo?
Columbo: This, sir. This is a warrant. This gives me the right.

Columbo: I'll tell you how you did it if you're interested.

Columbo: [rummaging through his bag for evidence] Just, uh, bear with me, sir.
[he pulls out a saran-wrapped lump of something]
Columbo: Uh, that's my lunch. That doesn't mean nothing.

Columbo: [early in the morning after arriving at the crime scene with a thermos full of coffee] You know, before coffee, I'm up, I'm walking around, but I'm not awake.
[grunts]

Columbo: Anybody here have brown soles or brown heels?

Columbo: [on the phone] Hello? What're you doing up? You know what time it is? It's... um...
Columbo: [calls out] DOES ANYBODY HAVE THE TIME?
Voice from other room: It's 6:30
Columbo: [into the phone] It's 6:30. I'm not yelling.

Columbo: [on the phone with his wife] I'm gonna hang up. You can keep talkin' but I'm gonna hang up.

Columbo: Can I ask you a personal question? You don't have to answer.

Columbo: I stopped by your place. Your housekeeper told me you were down here swimming.
Milo: Twenty minutes a day. You ought to try it, Columbo.
Columbo: No, I'm afraid not, sir. I can't swim. I don't even like a deep tub.

Milo: You know something, Columbo? You're a devious man.
Columbo: That's what they tell me.


"Columbo: Ransom for a Dead Man (#1.0)" (1971)
Lt. Columbo: Unique woman.
Agent Carlson: What's that?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, I say, uh, she's an exceptional woman.
Agent Carlson: What do you mean?
Lt. Columbo: Well, when the phone rang, you know, she ran to the phone, she picked up the receiver, and uh, she never asked her - her husband if he was all right.
Agent Carlson: I don't see anything strange about that. The woman was frightened, under stress.
Lt. Columbo: That's right, yeah, yeah, she - she was, she was under stress, right. Gee, I just can't help thinking though, but... if I was in the hands of kidnappers, and my wife didn't ask me if I was okay, uh... I'd think about that.
Agent Carlson: What's your point, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Point? No, no, no point. Just that, uh... she's a unique person.
Agent Carlson: Good night, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, did she ask where the body was?
Agent Carlson: No.
Lt. Columbo: I didn't think so. Oh, listen, one more thing, Mr. Carlson. She didn't, uh, ask how her husband was killed, did she?
Agent Carlson: No...
Lt. Columbo: That's what I thought.
Agent Carlson: All right, Lieutenant, what's bothering you now?

Agent Carlson: Let's understand this one thing: if you start harassing this woman, I'm going to take it upstairs.
Lt. Columbo: Ah, just one minute, uh, Mr. Carlson. You see, it's like this: this is not just a kidnapping; this is a murder now... and I kinda figure that's my department. I'll see ya 'round.

Leslie Williams: You know, Columbo, you're almost likable in a shabby sort of way. Maybe it's the way you come slouching in here with your shopworn bag of tricks.
Lt. Columbo: Me? Tricks?
Leslie Williams: The humility, the seeming absent-mindedness, the uh, homey anecdotes about the family: the wife, you know?
[laughs]
Lt. Columbo: Really?
Leslie Williams: Yeah, Lieutenant Columbo, fumbling and stumbling along. But it's always the jugular that he's after. And I imagine that, more often than not, he's successful.
Lt. Columbo: I appreciate that compliment, Mrs. Williams, and I particularly appreciate it coming from you.

Lt. Columbo: I don't know how you do it.
Michael Clark: Do what?
Lt. Columbo: Work for a woman.

Lt. Columbo: [to Leslie Williams] No conscience limits your imagination.

Lt. Columbo: You see the thing is with me, eh... I'm a strange guy.
Leslie Williams: Really?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, I worry. I mean little thing bother me. I'm a worrier. I mean, little insignificant details, I lose my appetite, I can't eat. My wife she says to me: "You know, you can really be a pain", you know what I mean?
Leslie Williams: I get the general picture.

Lt. Columbo: Eh, say, eh, you know I have this cousin Ralph, eh, his name is Ralph. Eh, anyway eh, Ralph was the greatest at everything. You know I mean he thought better, he talked better, he made out better. Ralph was the greatest. I mean Ralph, boy, that Ralph was something, I'll tell you that. I'll never forget him.
Leslie Williams: Eh, is there a point to this story, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: A point?
Leslie Williams: A point.
Lt. Columbo: No, I don't think there's a point, except... well maybe, you know maybe what it was, is that when you were talking about your husband in the plane, I guess that reminded me of Ralph. You see, because Ralph, he was a bore. I mean he was so perfect, there were times I felt like killing him.

Lt. Columbo: You know the soap you have in the bathroom, the ones shaped like little lemons? Well I was almost afraid to use 'em.
Leslie Williams: But that's what they're there for, lieutenant - to be used.
Lt. Columbo: Well if you don't mind my asking: when you use one, and you put it back in the plate, how do you keep it from sticking to the others?
Leslie Williams: It's a problem.
Lt. Columbo: That's what I figured.

Leslie Williams: Lieutenant Columbo, thank you for straightening Margaret out. I appreciate it.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, it was the only thing I could do. I mean I just can't have you accused of murder on the wrong evidence.

Lt. Columbo, Leslie Williams: Ah, Mrs. Williams! Don't you have any live-in servants?
Leslie Williams: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, well it must be the same problem everywhere. You want something done, you gotta do it yourself.
Leslie Williams: How's that?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, I was just saying, you pay a lot of money for help, and you end up doin the cooking.
Leslie Williams: Well, you see, my housekeeper's been on vacation the last few weeks.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, I see then, so you've been here alone. Well, listen, if there's, I mean, anything I can do to help, peel potatoes, whatever, you just feel free.

Margaret Williams: She killed my father! I know it and so do you!
Lt. Columbo: No I don't.
Margaret Williams: Yes you do!
Lt. Columbo: No I don't.
[Margaret moves to smack him, he grabs her hand, firmly]
Lt. Columbo: Young lady, don't *ever* do that again.

Lt. Columbo: [about murderers] No conscience limits the imagination.


"Columbo: Candidate for Crime (#3.3)" (1973)
[Columbo's car has been repaired. He's presented with the bill]
Lt. Columbo: That much, huh?
Shelly: Wasn't the parts so much as the time it took. It's not easy to work on a car in that condition.
Lt. Columbo: Will you take a check?
Shelly: You haven't got a credit card?
Lt. Columbo: I'm from the... uh... police. Lieutenant Columbo... uh.
[He struggles to get out his I.D]
Shelly: What, are you... uh... undercover or something?
Lt. Columbo: No, I'm underpaid.

Lt. Columbo: Evening, Commissioner.
Deputy Commissioner: You're late, Lieutenant.

Nelson Hayward: Uh, excuse me, Lieutenant, don't misunderstand. You're a very nice man, I like you very much, but I would hate to have to depend upon you if I was in a hurry for something.
Lt. Columbo: Geez, you know that's what my wife says...
Nelson Hayward: I'm sure she does. Get to the point, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Right.

Lt. Columbo: You know, isn't it funny the way people react under the stress of a situation?

[Lt. Columbo wants to talk with Hayward but doesn't want to "inconvenience" him]
Nelson Hayward: No, no, no, no... let's understand something, Lieutenant: You see, you think I'm reluctant to talk to you, but you're wrong. I will talk to you as often as you want, for as long as you want, about anything you want.
Lt. Columbo: [taken aback] Oh. Oh, fine.

Lt. Columbo: Yeah, this other thing is a genuine puzzle. I don't see any answer to this one.
Nelson Hayward: Well, maybe I can help you.
Lt. Columbo: Let's hope so, sir.
Nelson Hayward: For your sake, or mine?
[Columbo remains silent]

Lt. Columbo: So far, sir, we don't have a thing.
Nelson Hayward: Well, that's heartening.
Lt. Columbo: Officially, that is.
Nelson Hayward: And unofficially?
Lt. Columbo: Unofficially, we don't have anything either.

Nelson Hayward: Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change of wardrobe?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, no, no. Oh, every once in a while I think about getting a new coat, but there's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fellow.
[pats trench coat]

Lt. Columbo: Would you believe it? The first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.
Nelson Hayward: I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.
Lt. Columbo: Whattaya mean, sir?
Nelson Hayward: Uh, nothin'. It's a small joke.

Lt. Columbo: Murder's always depressin', but you get over it.

Lt. Columbo: I dug this bullet outta that wall three hours before you said that somebody fired it at you three minutes ago.

Harris: You ever, uh, consider getting another car?
Lt. Columbo: I got another car. My wife drives it, but that's nothin' special. Just transportation.


"Columbo: Last Salute to the Commodore (#5.6)" (1976)
Columbo: I'd like to make a preliminary check - if you don't mind.
Charles 'Charlie' Clay: No, no, no. I like everything... preliminary.

Columbo: Mrs. Clay, where have you been?
Joanna Clay: I don't know where I've been... for years.

[the lieutenant has been saddled with an apprentice]
Columbo: Now, what do I call you? Theodore?
Sergeant Theodore "Mac" Albinsky: Uh, no, sir. You call me Mac.
Columbo: Mac.
Sergeant Theodore "Mac" Albinsky: Yeah, Mac.
Columbo: And do you have any Scotch or Irish in you?
Sergeant Theodore "Mac" Albinsky: Oh, no, sir.
Columbo: All right, Mac. Welcome aboard.

Charles 'Charlie' Clay: Listen, are the police always called in when there's any possibility of an accident?
Columbo: Accident... Oh, I'm sure this is an accident. Don't worry just because I'm from Homicide. Didn't I mention that? Well, never mind.

Columbo: [pointedly] Dust. Dust. Dust. Dust. Dust. No dust.

Columbo: I don't think he, Charles Clay... I don't think he murdered anybody.
Kittering, Esq.: Really, Mr. Columbo. Charlie certainly went to a lot of trouble if he didn't murder the commodore.
Columbo: Oh, I think he would have gone to twice that much trouble if he thought that his wife had murdered the commodore.

Columbo: Commodore's watch.
Kittering, Esq.: Big deal.

Columbo: You'll notice that none of you have seen this watch closely. You've only heard it. You heard it tick, but I was talking about a watch that was found at the scene of the crime that was broken. It was smashed. It did NOT... tick. It didn't work. The commodore's watch. Now you see it. And this is the broken inside part. And we took this watch to a jeweler and we had the broken inside part replaced. So, now the watch ticks. You all heard it tick.

Columbo: You got a match, Sergeant?
Sergeant George Kramer: Thought you were gonna quit.
Columbo: Not yet. No, not yet, Sergeant. Not yet.

Sergeant George Kramer: Where you goin'?
Columbo: I'm meetin' my wife, at the yacht club.

Columbo: Have a nice meditation.


"Columbo: Forgotten Lady (#5.1)" (1975)
Columbo: [to Grace] From my experience, ma'am, I've discovered that people don't usually forget to do that which they usually do.

Columbo: Listen, uh, you don't mind if I pump your hand, do ya? You're the fellow that was in all those musicals. Wait'll I tell my wife. You were always her favorite. She dragged me to every musical you were ever in.
Ned Diamond: I'm sorry you had to be dragged.

Columbo: [alluding to his compulsiveness] A light goes on up here... and sometimes I can't turn it off.

Sgt. Leftkowitz: You know, Lieutenant, um, I'm in the homicide office at least, uh, once a week. I don't think I've ever seen you there.
Columbo: Well, I don't get down there too much. None of the murders take place there, you know?

Columbo: You see, if Henry already brought the gun in, if he was already thinking about suicide...
Pat: [heard in the background] Okay, let's go.
Columbo: ...before he went to bed, then I don't believe he would be reading this. It's a light, funny book - not the kind of thing that a man would be reading just before shooting himself.

Grace Wheeler Willis: Would you care to join us? We're running a film.
Columbo: Oh, thank you very, very much. No, I can't. This is Sunday and I promised my dog I'd take him to the park.

Columbo: I have very good reason to believe that Miss Wheeler killed her husband.
Ned Diamond: If you think I'm gonna stand here and listen to that... I'll get a lawyer - I'll get a battery of lawyers - and the least that can happen will be the end of one very unimportant career! OUT!

Ned Diamond: Anyway, what difference does it make? It doesn't mean anything.
Columbo: Oh, it means a great deal, sir. It goes to the very heart of the matter.

Columbo: There's no doubt she did it, but I have a problem with this case.

Ned Diamond: Lieutenant, you must be aware of the fact that... that men who retire from very active lives very often go into severe depression for no apparent reason whatsoever. I know. I've been there.
Columbo: You didn't shoot yourself, did ya? Big difference between being old and unhappy and puttin' a gun to your head. Has to be a reason.

Lt. Flaherty: Columbo.
Columbo: Lt. Flaherty. Long time, no see.
Lt. Flaherty: You ought to try coming downtown once in a while.
Columbo: I'm gonna get down there this week for sure.
Lt. Flaherty: You know a Sergeant Lefkowitz?
Columbo: Sergeant Lefkowitz? Oh, the lady with the computer. Yes.
Lt. Flaherty: You've been giving her the run around.
Columbo: Me? No. No, I explained to her that my records regard to my going to pistol practice got loused up in the computer.
Lt. Flaherty: You were right about that. The read-out said you hadn't fired in five years. She double-checked it. It was ten.
Columbo: Gee, you gotta be kidding!
Lt. Flaherty: You better get out to that range right away.
Columbo: Gee, I can't go now. I gotta go some place.
Lt. Flaherty: Columbo, you could be suspended.
Columbo: But I don't have a gun.


"Columbo: A Case of Immunity (#5.2)" (1975)
2nd Protester: Why the big interest?
Lt. Columbo: I'm fuzz.
2nd Protester: That's cool.

Lt. Columbo: [looking at a picture of Habib] The fact is he doesn't look like much of a murderer. You know, after fifteen years in this business, I can still look at a person sometimes and say to myself, "He can't be the murderer."
Hassan Salah: And are you often right?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, 20% or so, if that. Not too many times.

Guard: No one is allowed to pass.
Lt. Columbo: I know. That's what the other three guards told me, but I'd like to look around.

Xenia: I gave Youseff this mug. You see the inscription here?
Lt. Columbo: What does it say?
Xenia: I'd rather not translate, Lieutenant. It's, uh... earthy humor.
Lt. Columbo: Oh.
Xenia: Each afternoon, Youseff would join our coffee break and tell us unrepeatable stories. It was his way, and we loved him very much.

Lt. Columbo: [as Hassan removes an exquisite vase form the lieutenant's hands] This is a beautiful piece, sir. You know, we have one just like this back on the dining room table in our house. Almost the same design.
Hassan Salah: Uh, this is third century; it's worth several thousand dollars.
Lt. Columbo: No kidding. You know, I think my wife got ours at the farmer's market. Well, I guess ours is just a copy.

Lt. Columbo: Mr. Salah, I have made a discovery that you are going to find emotionally disturbing. I want you to be prepared for that.

Xenia: His Majesty thought you might like something while you're waiting.
Lt. Columbo: Oh. You're sure it was His Majesty, and not just an aide?
Xenia: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that's very thoughtful for a busy man. Imagine that.

Kermit Morgan: It is in the best interest of our government if there are no further contacts between yourself and Secretary Salah.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that''s all very well and good except for one thing.
Capt. August: What is that, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: He's the murderer.

Kermit Morgan: [to Columbo] I like a man who espouses the pragmatic view, Lieutenant.
Kermit Morgan: [to Capt. August] Thank you, Captain.
Capt. August: Yes, sir.
Lt. Columbo: [after Morgan leaves] What'd he say?
Capt. August: [thinking about it] Don't make waves.

Hassan Salah: Your presence here is a diplomatic affront. If you do not leave the legation in five minutes, I shall see that you are removed from the Los Angeles Police Department.
Lt. Columbo: I've solved the murder, sir.
Hassan Salah: What?
Lt. Columbo: I think we should talk about it right away.

Lt. Columbo: A security man could only get hit by someone who didn't alarm him, someone that he knew and trusted, someone who could catch him off-guard.


"Columbo: Identity Crisis (#5.3)" (1975)
Lt. Columbo: What do you have to do to win one of them things?
Shooting gallery attendant: Knock down the ducks ten out of ten.
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, my wife would go for that.
Shooting gallery attendant: Oh, no, sir, Lieutenant. Hey... hey, you're a pro.
Lt. Columbo: Aw, forget about it. If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water.

Lt. Columbo: Do you like to gamble, sir?
Nelson Brenner: What else is there?

Lt. Columbo: Who is that behind the fat lady?

Nelson Brenner: Do you like music?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I hear it all the time.

Lt. Columbo: Do you have any wine?
Nelson Brenner: A cellar-full!
Lt. Columbo: Just a glass.
Nelson Brenner: What kind would you like?
Lt. Columbo: [after deliberating] Oh, red.

Gas Station Attendant: Want me to wipe your windshield, sir?
Lt. Columbo: No, that's all right. Don't bother. I can see through it.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, just between us, sir...
Nelson Brenner: Mm-hm?
Lt. Columbo: ...somebody's following me.
Nelson Brenner: Now who would be following a cop?
Lt. Columbo: Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out. Can't be the collection company. The car's paid for.

Lt. Columbo: You have my house bugged.
Nelson Brenner: I know.

Lt. Columbo: You told a lot of lies, sir. Course, most of 'em can be explained in your capacity as a spy, but not the big one.

[last lines]
Lt. Columbo: Would you like to hear something funny?
Nelson Brenner: I'd love to.
Lt. Columbo: Today, the Chinese, they changed their minds.
Nelson Brenner: Did they, again?
Lt. Columbo: They're back in the Games.
Nelson Brenner: In the Games. Mahjong.
Lt. Columbo: Mahjong.


"Columbo: Troubled Waters (#4.4)" (1975)
Purser Watkins: Lieutenant Columbo? The Captain would like to see you right away.
Lt. Columbo: The Captain? To see me? It's not about my wife, is it? I mean... she likes to have a good time, sometimes she gets carried away...
Purser Watkins: It's not about your wife, sir.

Lt. Columbo: [seasick] The same thing happened to me last year. My wife and I were checked into this motel with a water bed. I thought I was gonna die.

Lt. Columbo: [Pointing to surgical gloves] Do you know how many pairs of these you have on board?
Doctor Frank Pierce: Uh, no, not offhand.

Lt. Columbo: [Lt. Columbo is preparing to test fire a bullet for a ballistics check] Would you mind?
Hayden Danziger: Mind what?
Lt. Columbo: Mind firing the gun into the mattress. I hate guns. Besides, I'm a bad shot. I'm liable to miss.

Purser Watkins: And, uh, Lieutenant, that's a boat.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, that's a... and... To hell with it.

Capt. Gibbon: [noting Columbo's raincoat] O-o-oh, tell me, Lieutenant... um... do you expect inclement weather in the Mexican waters?
Lt. Columbo: No, they tell me the weather down there's great this time of the year.

Hayden Danziger: Why are you checking on previous passengers?
Lt. Columbo: It's the timing of the murder, sir. Whoever killed Miss Wells must've known that she would go to her cabin during the break. You see, that would suggest a member of the crew or a member of the band. A passenger wouldn't know that - not on the FIRST night of the cruise - but a previous passenger WOULD.

Lt. Columbo: Saxophone repair, lead sheets, piano tuning, hotel, restaurant... All these receipts have one thing in common. They represent tax deductions, with one single exception - the receipt for the gun. He can't deduct that. He can deduct all these, so we know why he saved these. I'll tell ya, sir, for the life of me I can't understand why he saved this one.

Lloyd Harrington: Wait, Lieutenant, the man in the photograph... Do you think he's the one that did it?
Lt. Columbo: Yes. But don't say anything. I haven't gotten him yet.

Lt. Columbo: We're going on a tropical cruise. Who packs gloves?


"Columbo: Playback (#4.5)" (1975)
Columbo: Of all the dumb luck.
Harold Van Wick: Pardon me?
Columbo: Three feet, sir. If he'd come another three feet into the room, we'd've had a perfect picture of him.

Columbo: [to Baxter] I've got this funny habit. You know, when a person does something one way and he suddenly does something another way, I immediately think... I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.

Columbo: Oh, just one more thing, sir. Uh, I was thinking... in banks, they always have two cameras that cover any area. No offense, but I don't understand why you went to all this trouble to put in this system, but you only put in one camera, leaving part of the room uncovered.
Harold Van Wick: We only wanted to cover the safe. We expected a thief, not a murder.

Columbo: How can a man walk through seven feet of soil covered in mulch, climb through the window and not leave any traces.
Harold Van Wick: Maybe he took his shoes off.

Columbo: [looking over several modern pieces at an art gallery] Um, now, this here... I see it doesn't have a title.
Francine: That?
Columbo: Yes.
Francine: That, sir, is the ventilator for the air conditioning.

Columbo: It had to be noise. I mean, that's the only thing that would explain it; otherwise, why would her door open? You see, that's my problem, sir. What caused the door to open? There HAD to be a noise.
Harold Van Wick: Uh, she didn't tell me the door opened.
Columbo: She didn't?
Harold Van Wick: No.
Columbo: She didn't tell me, either.

Columbo: I'm sorry to bother you again so soon.
Harold Van Wick: Perhaps it's more convenient for you, Lieutenant, if you just move in one of our guest rooms.
Columbo: I'm a nuisance, I know, but I do have a problem.

Columbo: This is the last time. I promise it will not happen again.
Harold Van Wick: All right, Lieutenant. I'll take your word for it.

Columbo: [Just before he test fires a gun] You want to put your fingers in your ears? This thing could make a lot of noise.
Harold Van Wick: I can handle it.
Columbo: I wish I could say the same.
[He extends his left arm to fire the pistol and uses his right to cover his right ear]

Francine: Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
Columbo: Could you explain this?
[indicating a piece of art]
Francine: Well, - heh - you see, we don't explain art. I mean, that's just sort of something you feel. Well, you see, you look at a picture or a piece of sculpture and it either does something for you or it doesn't. Y'know?
Columbo: Uh huh. This doesn't do anything for me.
Francine: That's too bad.


"Columbo: Murder by the Book (#1.1)" (1971)
[Distraught over her husband's disappearance, Joanna Ferris tries to get a drinking fountain to work]
Lieutenant Columbo: I think that's out of order, ma'am. Uh, you see, that's the trouble with these buildings. The fountains never work, then you have to use the coffee machine, and then you lose your dime and the coffee's lousy.
Joanna Ferris: Who are you?
Lieutenant Columbo: Uh, I'm just another cop. My name is Columbo. I'm a lieutenant.

Lieutenant Columbo: Now, look, wait a minute. Let me tell you something. You look very tired to me, and I think you had a terrible experience in there, and I think I ought to drive you home. Let's call it a night.
Joanna Ferris: Don't you think they want to ask me questions?
Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, I don't think they'll mind. I think you've answered enough questions, and I'll call 'em and I'll tell them you're with me.

Joanna Ferris: Well, what about Ken? Why isn't Ken here? I don't know why he isn't here.
Lieutenant Columbo: Is that Mr. Franklin, the other half of the writing team?
Joanna Ferris: [smiles ruefully] Yeah, the other half of the team.

Lieutenant Columbo: I'll tell ya, Mrs. Ferris, I'm the worst cook in the world, but there's one thing I do terrific, and that's an omelet. Even my wife admits it. Uh, I need something for the egg shells.

Lieutenant Columbo: Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.
Ken Franklin: Naw!
Lieutenant Columbo: Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.

[Lieutenant Columbo wants information about an insurance policy from Mike Tucker]
Mike Tucker: Now, wait a minute, Lieutenant. We like to cooperate with the police but... if you want confidential information, I'm afraid...
Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, well, look, uh... I don't want to cause you any trouble. Maybe it would be more helpful if I got a court order?
[Mike looks shocked]

Lieutenant Columbo: I'll tell ya what the secret is to a good omelet - no eggs, just milk.

Lieutenant Columbo: [reading] "Jack and Jill went up the hill. Did Jack kill Jill? If so, find out why?"

Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you.

Lieutenant Columbo: Suddenly I thought of something. How clever that first murder was. The phone gimmick, working late in the office - brilliant.
Ken Franklin: Are you awarding gold medals today?
Lieutenant Columbo: Yes. For the first one. Not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.


"Columbo: Swan Song (#3.7)" (1974)
Lt. Columbo: Any man that can sing like that can't be all bad

Lady: Lieutenant Columbo. Are you with the Army?
Lt. Columbo: Los Angeles Police Department.
Lady: Oh. Have we done something?
Lt. Columbo: No, ma'am. Not that I know of, no. I'm just here - I'm just part of an investigation.
Lady: Well, of what? Are you with the Vice Squad? I don't remember having a good time.

Lt. Columbo: [Showing ID in a hushed tone] L.A.P.D., Lieutenant Columbo. I just didn't want to identify myself in front of the reporter.
Roland Pangborn: Why not?
Lt. Columbo: Well, it's like you're saying, it's better to be unofficial until you get the facts.

Tommy Brown: You got a good ear for music.
Lt. Columbo: Well, you know I'm Italian.

Lt. Columbo: My ears pop in an elevator. As a matter if fact, I don't even like being this tall.

Lt. Columbo: Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.
Luke Basket: That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That good, ain't it?
Lt. Columbo: [pause] Hmm. Yeah, that explains it.

Lt. Columbo: I'm not here to pry into your personal life.
Tommy Brown: My personal life is an open book. Everybody knows I done time.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir, but what you've done since you've gotten out, that's been an inspiration to a lot of people.
Tommy Brown: Then what're you buggin' me for?

Lt. Columbo: You know what the problem is? You're a celebrity. Because of you, my boss, he won't let me close up this case until I covered everything. Every loose end's gotta be tied up. Hey, make you crazy. So that's the problem.
Tommy Brown: That's a cryin' shame. It really is. Man with your talent, real killers loose out there, and they got you chasin' smoke.
Lt. Columbo: Whadda ya gonna do? That's the job, right? You take the good with the bad.

Mr. Grindell: I'm a great admire of the police department, you know...
Lt. Columbo: I didn't know but I'm always glad to hear that
Mr. Grindell: Why shouldn't you hear of it? After all you men are so willing to give your life to save ours!
Lt. Columbo: Well... Let's hope it doesn't come up too often.
Mr. Grindell: Yes, yes, yes... But it does, doesn't it? Especially in these violent times, its um... Just this morning at the breakfast with my dear wife Martha, I glanced at the paper and I uh, I noted the rate of police mortality is just shocking, I mean, it just... well you must be aware of that.
Lt. Columbo: Well, we don't like to think about it often...
Mr. Grindell: But one should think of it, shouldn't one?
Lt. Columbo: Well, it's just kind of thing you don't really do anything about till you have to.
Mr. Grindell: But, if you need a funeral, you'd not be in the condition to do anything about it, you see...
[both chuckle uncomfortably]
Lt. Columbo: Right, I see what you mean...


"Columbo: Mind Over Mayhem (#3.6)" (1974)
Lt. Columbo: Oh, think tank! Oh, I read about that in the paper. Yeah, that's, uh, that's a place full of geniuses, right?
Dr. Marshall Cahill: Well...
Lt. Columbo: Right. Uh, may I ask, sir, uh, just what is it that YOU do here?
Dr. Marshall Cahill: I'm the director.

Steve Spelberg: [referring to Columbo's pet beagle] He doesn't look like a police dog.
Lt. Columbo: Well, he isn't. He's a policeman's dog. Believe me, there's a big difference.

Margaret Nicholson: You're pretty observant.
Lt. Columbo: Some people say I'm snoopy.

Dr. Marshall Cahill: You don't seem too pleased.
Lt. Columbo: Well, you know, Doctor, I've been running into people by the dozens who couldn't have murdered Professor Nicholson. I wish I could run into one who COULD have.

Farnsworth: Lieutenant, I have been dean of this academy for over twenty years, and we have never had a situation like this.
Lt. Columbo: Believe me, sir, I know you've done your best.
Farnsworth: If a student fails, we consider it OUR failure, not his.
Lt. Columbo: To be honest with ya, I was afraid of something like this. We've had a lot of problems with him at home.
Farnsworth: Then you do understand we consider it best that you withdraw him.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir.

Steve Spelberg: It's the second time in two days I've been treated like a kid.
Lt. Columbo: When was the other time?
Steve Spelberg: Uh, when Dr. Cahill asked me to go to the movies, yesterday. He's never done that before.
Lt. Columbo: [intrigued] Is that a fact?
Steve Spelberg: Does that mean somethin', Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, I don't know, Steve, but when people do something for the first time, detectives always get curious.

Lt. Columbo: So you had an hour to kill before you had to get back to the airport.
Neil Cahill: I take it you mean to use that phrase, "to kill." You mean that literally.
Lt. Columbo: No, I was just using a figure of speech. I'm not making an accusation.

Lt. Columbo: Hold it!
Steve Spelberg: What's wrong?
Lt. Columbo: Something just computed.

Dr. Marshall Cahill: Right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.
Lt. Columbo: It's the same way at the institute that I work at, Doctor.


"Columbo: Try and Catch Me (#7.1)" (1977)
Lt. Columbo: You know, I can remember the only new car my father ever bought. How proud he was. The way it smelled. Kind of like the inside of a Pullman car. It wasn't like this though, I'll tell you that.
Abigail Mitchell: My father never owned a car. Not until I bought him one. I was 20; I'd just sold my first book. Shall we compare poverty stories, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Not in a Rolls Royce, ma'am.

Lt. Columbo: [Referring to an old chair] Can I sit in this?
Abigail Mitchell: Well, that's what it was made for 400 years ago.

Abigail Mitchell: I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.
Lt. Columbo: Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.

Abigail Mitchell: [about Columbo's basset hound] Is he all right?
Lt. Columbo: Well, yes, ma'am. Do you see something wrong?
Abigail Mitchell: He seems to be scraping bottom.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that's the way they were made.

Lt. Columbo: [to his dog] Okay. Now, don't go away. Stay.
[Dog runs off]
Lt. Columbo: He's trained.
Abigail Mitchell: Amazing.

Abigail Mitchell: Besides, I have work to do with Lieutenant Columbo.
Lt. Columbo: [mocking] 'I have work to do with Lieutenant Columbo'. I wish Mrs. Columbo could hear that.

Lt. Columbo: I can't tell you what a big help you've been.
Abigail Mitchell: "Big help to Lieutenant Columbo." Wish my publishers could hear you say that.

Lt. Columbo: My car's right here. It's French. Very rare.
[Abigail looks at Columbo's car, dust-covered, front grill manged, and with license plate askew]
Abigail Mitchell: Uh, yes. Oh, I can see why.

Lt. Columbo: That must have been very hard losing someone you love like that. I've been very lucky. I've lost my parents, that's the way of the world. But to lose someone that young, that's like being cheated. That's very hard.
Abigail Mitchell: I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.
Lt. Columbo: Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.


"Columbo: How to Dial a Murder (#7.4)" (1978)
Lt. Columbo: Well, I guess, most people, they like to hear about their personalities, I mean, especially from an expert. Lord knows *I* do. I could sit and listen to someone talk about me for hours.

Lt. Columbo: Who knows what goes on in the head of a dog?

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: Baruk, kiss!
[training dog attacks padded man]
Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: Baruk, out! Come! Baruk, come!
Lt. Columbo: Miss Cochran! Ma'am!
[runs up to her]
Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: [to Baruk] Good boy. Good boy.
Lt. Columbo: What did you just do?
Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: Just an attack command.
Lt. Columbo: But you said...
Lt. Columbo: [eyes the dog warily] ... K-I-S-S, ma'am.
Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: Well, that's Baruk's attack word. A dog can respond to any command as long as he's trained to understand it. Here, I'll show you. Baruk. Watch him. Watch him. Kill!
[Baruk jumps up on Lt. Columbo and licks his face]
Lt. Columbo: [relieved] Oh, ho, yes! Yes, you're a good doggie. Yes. All right. All right, that's enough.
Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: Baruk, down.
Lt. Columbo: That's enough.
Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: Down.
Lt. Columbo: All right. Whew. You mean that a trainer can control a dog with any word? Any word at all?
Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: A sign, or a sound, a word - ANY word, in any language.

Lt. Columbo: [trying to trigger the attack word for the dogs] Kill! Kiss! Diamonds! Rubies! Sneakers!

Lt. Columbo: Well, we'll be seeing more of each other, sir, until the investigation is settled.
Dr. Eric Mason: Lieutenant. It's not that I haven't been impressed by your company, but what is there to settle?
Lt. Columbo: Well, it's that telephone again, sir. You see, whoever called Dr. Hunter musta heard those awful sounds in the kitchen, sir. Must have heard the dogs and a man dying. Dying and screaming, sir, and nobody called the police. We never got a report, sir. Not a single one - except for the young girl down here in the guest house; so, you can see, we would like to know who made that telephone call, sir. You understand, sir.

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: When a dog goes killer wild, we call it, uh, reverting. It's reversion back to the wolf. We don't talk about it a whole lot, but it happens.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that would explain it, ma'am.
Miss Cochran - the dog trainer: Except that you told me you played with the dogs AFTER they went savage. Now, I've never heard of a reverting dog that didn't stay that way.
Lt. Columbo: Well, thank you very much, ma'am. We didn't clear much up but it sort of highlights the problem.

Lt. Columbo: Well, listen, you're only a dog. You're not a college professor.

Dr. Eric Mason: What the hell are you playing at?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, just my game, sir. You're good at tennis and word games, and Dr. Hunter, he was a winner with women. This is my game.


"Columbo: Suitable for Framing (#1.4)" (1971)
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'll tell ya what bothers me...

Lt. Columbo: [Columbo shows Dale Kingston a print he bought of a painting by Sam Franklin] What do you think? Any good?
Dale Kingston: For wallpaper in a child's room, absolutely perfect. In fact, looks like it might have been done by an untalented twelve-year-old.
Lt. Columbo: You know, I was kind of afraid you were gonna say something like that. But you know, then I say, why would you bother to go there last night, if this guy's stuff is so bad? I mean, this was painted by the artist whose exhibit you were covering...
Dale Kingston: Lieutenant Columbo, unlike my uncle, I am NOT independently wealthy. I have to work for a living. Magazines pay me to review art. Unfortunately, they pay me best when I write hostile reviews about hacks like Sam Franklin.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, well, I tell ya, I'd sure hate to see his review when you write it.
Dale Kingston: Hmmm.

Lt. Columbo: [coming to talk with Dale Kingston after he finishes hosting his TV art program] Uh, so this is a television studio, huh?
Dale Kingston: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: Quite a place.
Dale Kingston: Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.
Lt. Columbo: That's right, it isn't, uh, but things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?
Dale Kingston: My, how observant you are.

Lt. Columbo: You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. Hope you don't mind.
Dale Kingston: Oh, that's your job. And?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, all right. So that if Mr. Matthews was killed at eleven o'clock, then you sure didn't do it.
Dale Kingston: Now isn't that a shame, Lieutenant? And here I am, your best and most obvious suspect, too. Tch, tch, tch, tch.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.
Dale Kingston: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, listen, one more thing...
[Kingston groans in exasperation]
Lt. Columbo: It'll just... it'll just take a second. I stopped by your apartment a few times.
Dale Kingston: Why, do you want to search my place?
Lt. Columbo: No. Just to ask you something about art. You said you had some books and things there that I could see.
Dale Kingston: You may look at anything you wish. You can snoop in all of my closets. You can peek under the beds. You won't find any stolen paintings.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, really, I've never said anything about...
Dale Kingston: [removes key from key ring] Here, would you like the key to my apartment? You may simply leave it under the mat when you leave.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, really, I...
Dale Kingston: No, no, go ahead, I insist. See what I live like, find out what kind of human being I am, learn everything you can about me.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I... I mean, I admit it would be more convenient, but, uh...
[takes key, to Dale's surprise]
Lt. Columbo: ...thank you very much, Mr. Kingston. Uh, I'm sorry I took up so much of your time. I might drop by and borrow a few books or something like that.

Lt. Columbo: It's just that... I get bugged by those little things.

Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry... I'm terribly sorry...

Lt. Columbo: I'm gonna tell you something. Do you know that there is a reasonable explanation for everything, if you just put your mind to it? Course, sometimes these things, they pop up. Like with alibis. Do you know in most cases, people, they don't remember what time it is. They forget all that. Like the artist fella; he's all mixed up about the time. And Mrs. Matthews... she don't even remember what time she went to bed last night!
Dale Kingston: Being sober might help, I suppose.
Lt. Columbo: Now with you, Mr. Kingston, it's just the opposite. Very unusual. With you, we know exactly where you were, and when. Not only that, we know your whole car was empty.
Dale Kingston: Yes, isn't that nice?


"Columbo: Murder in Malibu (#9.6)" (1990)
Lieutenant Columbo: Just one more thing, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo: Let 'im go. No law against shooting a dead body.

Lieutenant Columbo: When a snowball starts rolling... push.

Lieutenant Columbo: [Reacting to an emotional outburst by Jennings] I never saw a guy unwind that fast!
Lieutenant Schultz: Miranda?
Lieutenant Columbo: Yeah, you better.

Jess McCurdy: Who are you?
Lieutenant Columbo: I'm a detective.

Lieutenant Columbo: Because I've noticed, Ms. McCurdy, you're a little like myself. When my wife, when she gets all steamed up... I don't say much until I know that it's safe to say it.

Lieutenant Columbo: Boy, it was like an education.

Doctor: Sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't know you were in such a hurry.
Lieutenant Columbo: I am now. I just decided.


"Columbo: The Most Crucial Game (#2.3)" (1972)
Lt. Columbo: Uh, sir?
Walter Cunnell: Yes?
Lt. Columbo: You don't mind if I ask you a personal question, do you?
Walter Cunnell: No.
Lt. Columbo: What'd you pay for those shoes?

Eve Babcock: Hi, darling.
Lt. Columbo: Miss Babcock?
Eve Babcock: [laughs] Don't be so Cincinnati. My name is Eve. And don't be so embarrassed. I've been expecting you.

Walter Cunnell: What is all this? Autopsy? Lab crews?
Lt. Columbo: Well, just part of a routine murder investigation, sir. Excuse me.
Walter Cunnell: Murder?

Lt. Columbo: I thought I had trouble with my TV when my wife used the hairdryer, so the electrician, he explained it to me. You find this boring?

Paul Hanlon: Columbo, are you in charge of this mess or not?
Lt. Columbo: Sir...
Paul Hanlon: This is...!
Lt. Columbo: Sir, I'm only trying to solve a murder...

Lt. Columbo: This is what bothers me: Why were you fired from that job after only three days? Because, if you don't mind my noticing, you'd be an ornament in any office.

Lt. Columbo: You know, I had tickets for the game? Didn't even use 'em. Couldn't enjoy it. Till I find the answer, I can't think of anything else.

Lt. Columbo: You know, when I'm listening to a game and my wife interrupts - I can't help myself - I want to hear that game, and I don't care how important the interruption.
Paul Hanlon: [trying to hear a game himself] Your wife has my sympathy.


"Columbo: A Stitch in Crime (#2.6)" (1973)
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Maybe Marcia knows more than she's telling.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, actually I think she knows less than she's telling.

Lt. Columbo: [after shovelling down a load of cheese, cold meat and crab] Do you have anything for an upset stomach?

Lt. Columbo: You must be a terrific surgeon.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Well... Dr. Hidemann and I DO share a mutual respect.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, that. Oh, yeah, he must think you're very good. No, actually, Doctor, I was referring to your great concentration.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Well, how is that, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Well, when I came in, you see, you were getting the news of your nurse's death on the phone - I could see you were terribly upset - but while you were on the phone, you reset your desk clock.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Well, I fail to see the virtue in that.
Lt. Columbo: Aw, you're too modest, Doc. No, most people, they'd be in such a state of shock, they'd never be able to split their concentration like that, the way you did, setting your clock there.

Lt. Columbo: Uh, I feel uncomfortable.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: In what way?
Lt. Columbo: In hospitals, around illness, I, uh... I feel kind of queasy.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: Well, that's not uncommon, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: I know. Uh, I faint. I mean, I actually pass out, and in my line of work that's kind of embarrassing. Is there, uh... is there something that I can do for that?
Dr. Barry Mayfield: There's only one sure-fire cure, Lieutenant: stay out of hospitals as much as possible.

Lt. Columbo: You know, that cleaning woman just now? You know, she said something strange to me. She said she saw Sharon Martin, and she was upset AFTER the operation.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: I'm afraid I don't understand.
Lt. Columbo: Well, it just seems kind of funny, doesn't it, I mean, since it was so successful that she'd still be upset?

Lt. Columbo: Why would a left-handed man give himself a shot in his left arm?

Lt. Columbo: Okay. You win. You're finally rid of me.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: You'll be all right, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.

Lt. Columbo: You ask tough questions, Doc.
Dr. Barry Mayfield: So does a jury.


"Columbo: Columbo Cries Wolf (#9.2)" (1990)
Lt. Columbo: [looking at a lot of beautiful women in bathing suits] I must say, sir; these girls have their health.

Sean Brantley: You've read many mystery stories, Columbo?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, no, sir. I never read them. I tried. I can't figure them out. Even after the detective lays it all out at the end.
Sean Brantley: [Sarcastically] I could believe that.

Lt. Columbo: Oh, there's no point in denying that there was trouble between you.

Lt. Columbo: You used me to get a lot of free publicity. You made a fool out of me. But I gotta hand it to you, you did it well.

Lt. Columbo: The end of a perfect day.

Lt. Columbo: [to Dian] You know that every "nymph of the month" resembles you in some way.

Sir Harry Matthews: These cigars are worth $6 an inch.
Lt. Columbo: Oh well in that case sir, I don't need this second one. I already had two in the helicopter.
Sir Harry Matthews: [grabs a handful] Then I insist you have a lot more.

Lt. Columbo: You put me in the position of the little boy who cried wolf.


"Columbo: A Friend in Deed (#3.8)" (1974)
Columbo: Mrs. Fernandez dusted the whole house - wax, polish, everything - including the bedroom. Now, the fingerprint people, they checked the handle on the closet door. Your wife's prints weren't on it. What I can't figure out is: How did she open the door and take out the nightgown without leaving any prints?

Columbo: You must have a lot of those, sir.
Mark Halperin: What?
Columbo: Gut feelings.
Mark Halperin: What're you talking about?
Columbo: Well, you had a gut feeling last night.
Mark Halperin: I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean "last night?"
Columbo: When you asked for me to report to the Caldwell house.
Mark Halperin: Yes?
Columbo: I found out that you asked for me when you first called in.
Mark Halperin: I did.
Columbo: What I mean, sir, is that the burglar had never harmed anybody before, yet from your bedroom window, when you called in, you asked for me. No, I was just trying to figure out how you knew that the woman was already dead.

Columbo: I, uh, I looked at her body, and right away I saw on her finger the biggest diamond ring I ever saw in my life. Now, I gotta ask myself this question: What kind of burglar robs a house and leaves a ring like that on the victim's finger?

Columbo: No, sir, we're looking for somebody else. We're looking for somebody... somebody who tried to make a murder look like a burglary.

Columbo: Commisioner, I believe you killed your wife, and I believe you either killed Janice Caldwell or you're covering up for it.
Mark Halperin: You just lost your badge, my friend.

Mark Halperin: We found Mrs. Caldwell's jewels here in your apartment.
[Jessup snorts]
Mark Halperin: They were right under your mattress!
Artie Jessup: Hey man, I don't even live here!
Columbo: That's true, sir, I can attest to that.
[opens dresser drawers]
Columbo: He doesn't live here, *I* live here. These are my shirts, this is my underwear,
[takes out photographs]
Columbo: *my* brother-in-law, *my* nephew and niece.

Columbo: Let me ask you something... how do you figure this guy? I mean, to me; a burglar is like a hungry alley cat. He sneaks around after dark, but if he hears something, he runs.
Lt. Duffy: Haven't you ever heard of Future Shock? The world's going to hell with itself! Believe me Columbo, times have changed.


"Columbo: Death Lends a Hand (#1.2)" (1971)
Teddy: [as Columbo pushes him on a swing] Higher!
Columbo: Higher? Listen, if you go any higher, you're gonna go right over the top.

Teddy: [being pushed on the swing] I said higher!
Columbo: Higher? All right, listen, you go higher and I'll eat your ice cream. All right?

Columbo: Say, you know, 's a funny thing about your appointments with Mrs. Kennicutt? Uh, the first two were in the morning and all the rest - and I counted thirteen of 'em - uh, they were always in the middle or the late afternoon.
Ken Archer: So?
Columbo: Uh... Well, I guess it's not important. I guess it's nothin'. Wait, let me... I'm gonna take off my coat. Except that, uh... you know, every time you had an appointment with Mrs. Kennicutt, it was always the last lesson of the day.

Columbo: Yeah, I would say that we have a left-handed murderer and, uh... and an unpremeditated crime.
Investigator Brimmer: We have?
Columbo: Oh, I think so, yes. I mean, I don't think a man kills with his hands unless he's angry. As a matter of fact, you know, maybe he didn't mean to do it. Could be. You know, maybe it was an accident. You know, I got a feeling that when we find our friend, it's gonna turn out that he has a terrible temper.

Investigator Brimmer: You're a very observant man, Lieutenant.
Columbo: That's not what my wife says.

Columbo: Isn't that a coincidence? I'll tell ya this case is just full of 'em.

[Columbo has just described one of the pranks he and his mischievous buddies used to pull as kids]
Columbo: It was a terrible thing to do, and got a feeling that the reason I became a cop was to make up for all of those jokes I played when I was a kid.


"Columbo: The Conspirators (#7.5)" (1978)
Lt. Columbo: There's just one more thing, sir!

Lt. Columbo: A rare old bird is the pelican. His bill holds more than his belly can. He can take in his beak enough food for a week. I'm damned if I know how the hell he can!

Lt. Columbo: There once was an old man from Lyme who married three wives at a time. When asked "Why a third?" he replied, "One's absurd, and two of 'em, sir, is a crime."

Lt. Columbo: [Shocked at the high price of a book] $55 for a book? I could have my car fixed for that.

Lt. Columbo: There once was a fella named Finnegan, who escaped from a jail so to sin again. He broke laws by the dozen, even stole from his cousin, so the jail he broke outta he's in again.

[final line]
Lt. Columbo: This far, and no farther!

Lt. Columbo: I couldn't resist trying your pinball machine. I guess I tried a little too hard, but that's an old problem with me, sir. The way I keep steering and pushing and pulling at things, someday the whole sky is gonna light up, and it's gonna say "tilt," and that's gonna be the end of the world.


"Columbo: Fade in to Murder (#6.1)" (1976)
Lieutenant Columbo: I sometimes have a silly effect on people. You know what I mean, just being a police lieutenant. You know, uh... At least I hope that's why.

Lieutenant Columbo: [to Lucerne] That's brilliant, sir. That's very impressive. No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo: Boy, you and I think the same way. It's amazing.

Lieutenant Columbo: How does a smart man like Lieutenant Lucerne make a mistake like THAT?
Ward Fowler: Because you're not talking to Lieutenant Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.
Lieutenant Columbo: Well, what's the difference, sir?
Ward Fowler: The difference is Ward Fowler's under suspicion of murder, and a man under that kind of threat is... apt to make mistakes. He's apt to get rattled.
Lieutenant Columbo: Well, who ever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder?
Ward Fowler: Lieutenant Lucerne did.
Lieutenant Columbo: He did? Well, how did he come to that conclusion, sir?

Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, there's one more thing, sir.

Ward Fowler: I couldn't help wondering why, with all the money that Ward Fowler makes, he could owe Claire Daley that much, and then it hit me.
Lieutenant Columbo: Uh, what hit you, sir?
Ward Fowler: Coffee?

Lieutenant Columbo: I mean, a girl that you're gonna marry is much more apt to provide an alibi than a gofer.


"Columbo: A Deadly State of Mind (#4.6)" (1975)
Sergeant George Kramer: You got a European car?
Columbo: That's a French car. Yeah, my car's a French car.

Columbo: What kind of place is this? What do they do here?
Dr. Anita Borden: You really wanna know? Basically, we're concerned with the measurement and manipulation of human behavior - at all levels.

Columbo: Can we talk off the record, sir?

Man doctor at party: You know, I find this absolutely fascinating. Do you have, uh, an interesting investigation you've been involved with? We'd love to hear about something like that.
Second man doctor at party: Yeah!
Woman Doctor at Party: Yeah!
Columbo: I think that the most interesting investigation is always the one that you're working on at the moment.

Columbo: I've seen a lot of pictures of people jumping off of buildings. I never saw one naked.

Columbo: That's right, Doctor. That man that you saw was blind... and is blind. This is Daniel Morris. That's the man that you saw on the road Monday afternoon. This other man is his brother, David. I'm sure you can see the problem, sir. There is no way in the world that you could've assumed that this man, this witness was blind unless, of course, you had seen this man that day. That's the only way you could've known. Thank you.
David Morris: You're welcome.
Columbo: I have an eyewitness, Doctor Collier. An eyewitness that will place you at the head of the Donner driveway at 5:30 Monday afternoon, but the eyewitness is not Mr. Morris, the eyewitness is you.


"Columbo: Blueprint for Murder (#1.7)" (1972)
Columbo: Ya see, I figured you had the body somewhere, but what you really wanted was a fool-proof hiding place. Now what's better than a place that's already been searched - and at considerable cost and my embarrassment?

Columbo: Uh, the point is this, Mrs. Williamson...
Goldie Williamson: My friends call me Goldie, and since I'm standing here practically naked with you, you better be my friend.
Columbo: Would you mind repeating that last sentence? I don't think I quite understood.
Goldie Williamson: I said, since I'm standing here practically naked with you, you better be my friend - and my friends call me Goldie.

Doctor: Are you looking for something?
Columbo: Uh, do you have a lighter?
Doctor: You won't find one here, Lieutenant. And let me give you some free medical advise: stop smoking those things.
Columbo: Well, I-I've been trying.
Doctor: Trying isn't good enough. Remember, I deal in pacemakers.

Elliot Markham: Lieutenant, anybody ever tell you you're very much like an arachnid?
Columbo: A what?
Elliot Markham: A tick. They're quite common but excessively tenacious. They hang on. They let go only under extreme prodding.

Elliot Markham: Lieutenant, I want you to know I admire you.
Columbo: Oh, really?
Elliot Markham: You got the courage of your conviction. That's an admirable trait - misdirected as it may be.

Columbo: Carnegie Hall and Nashville - they don't mix.


"Columbo: Old Fashioned Murder (#6.2)" (1976)
Mrs. Brandt: I'll have you disbarred for this - whatever the hell that word is.
Columbo: Yes, ma'm. "Fired" I think is the word you want.

Columbo: Excuse me, Darryl?
Darryl: Yes?
[sees Columbo's hair]
Darryl: A challenge but I'll do my best. Sit please, please.
Columbo: Uh, no, actually I just wanted to ask a few questions.
Darryl: Ah, don't sue. Just wear a hat and never let him cut it again.
Columbo: Uh, no, sir.
[looks in the mirror]
Columbo: Is it that bad?
Darryl: Mm-hm, yes. Yes, now that's all the questions I have time for. Next!

Columbo: You know, when I say "Homicide Department," most women, they act a little upset, so I try and calm 'em with a little chit-chat. I've been doing that for so long that I forgot to notice that you weren't upset. Forgive me for wandering off.
Ruth Lytton: I've disappointed you. My sister won't. You needn't even bother saying "homicide." "Foul play" will do it. She faints.

Columbo: My watch costs thirty dollars. His must have cost a couple hundred and it's wrong. It says May first. Goes to show you money doesn't buy quality.
Sgt. George Carter: Lieutenant, it IS May first. Your watch is wrong, his watch is right.
Columbo: Oh. Well, what do you expect for thirty dollars.

Columbo: ...and I would like, if possible, to ask you a few questions about a man...
Darryl: You joking, Lieutenant? This is the middle of a working day.
Columbo: Well, sir, if you don't answer the questions here, I'm afraid I'll have to take you down to police department. You see, this is a murder case, sir.
Darryl: Fine. Arrest me. I'd be disappointed in the police if they didn't do that. If I don't lose a fortune, cancel the day, offend my customers, you're gonna take me to the police headquarters. Well, go right ahead! Arrest me! Do you have the handcuffs with you? Why don't you handcuff me? I'm surprised you don't beat me unconscious so you can carry me out so I don't cause trouble. Isn't that correct?

Columbo: Well, you've got some family, Miss Lytton. Everybody thinks I'm getting ready to arrest them.
Ruth Lytton: Everybody but me.
Columbo: Yes. It's a relief talking to you. I was beginning to feel like a policeman.
Ruth Lytton: You ARE a policeman - and a good one. You say a thing when you're ready to say it and not before.


"Columbo: Requiem for a Falling Star (#2.5)" (1973)
Lt. Columbo: I had an uncle. He played bagpipes in the shriners band. He couldn't play a note, but nobody could tell the difference.

Lt. Columbo: You understand, Miss Chandler, the only reason your poor secretary is dead is because somebody made a terrible mistake last night.

Gate Guard: Hey, Lieutenant, did you ever think of getting another car?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, but I got another car. My wife drives it. Of course, it's nothing special. Just for transportation.

Lt. Columbo: You know, Miss Chandler, if anybody ever told me I'd be standing here... I mean, right face-to-face with you... I mean, I've been in love with you all my life.
Nora Chandler: I know. You never expected to meet a legend.

Jerry Parks: Oh, Lieutenant, I thought you wanted to use the phone.
Lt. Columbo: Yeah, but I was just gonna call my wife and she's probably still talking, so...

Lt. Columbo: You know, a part of me really didn't want 'em to add up.


"Columbo: Columbo Goes to the Guillotine (#8.1)" (1989)
Lt. Columbo: Always remember it's a trick. Keep that in mind and you can figure out how it's done.

Lt. Columbo: [walks into bar] Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide. You the owner?
Sgt. Russo: [waving Columbo to the bar before presenting his badge] Sergeant Russo, retired.
Lt. Columbo: What's the problem, here, Sergeant?
Sgt. Russo: [nodding to the bucket behind the bar] Blood.
[Blood is dripping from above. Columbo looks up to see a red stain on the ceiling]
Lt. Columbo: Well, what's up there?
Sgt. Russo: Some kind of workshop. Belongs to the magic shop next door.

Bert Spindler: [holds up a drink in a toast] To Max the Magnificent.
Lt. Columbo: To Max, sir, and all these tricks, you know how they all work?
Bert Spindler: That's my job. A very beautiful and ancient art.
Lt. Columbo: And the uh, mind reading part, how did that all work?
Bert Spindler: Consultant; universities, corporations, government agencies. Exposing those ESP people. He even wrote a book on it: 'Dyson on Mind Reading.' Max was so good himself, he never found a psychic who wasn't a fake. Until yesterday.
Lt. Columbo: Is that a fact, sir?
Bert Spindler: He conducted a big test out at some think tank institute. Really shook him up.

Lt. Columbo: [referring to the workshop, and demonstrating one of the tricks] The whole place is one big magic trick. You can't believe anything you see.

Medical Examiner: [talking to a reporter] Both doors were locked from the inside. Freight elevator, locked. The door to the stairs, locked. The safety bolt over there, it's hangin' from its chain, I mean, the guy obviously screwed up. I'm gonna give you this one as an accident and you can count on it.
[Columbo picks up guillotine collar from the floor]
Medical Examiner: Hey, that was off when I got here.
Lt. Columbo: It was off when I got here, too.
Medical Examiner: [to reporter] I mean, it could have been a suicide, but whoever heard of a suicide with a guillotine? I'm still gonna give you this one as an accident.
Lt. Columbo: [handing collar to forensic tech] Have the lab check this out for blood.
[to medical examiner with a shrug]
Lt. Columbo: You never know.

Bert Spindler: He was loved. Well, not by those mind readers and psychics; they weren't so crazy about him, once he got on their case. But magicians loved him. I loved him.
Lt. Columbo: I've never seen so many wonderful tricks. Those beautiful Chinese rings, and that terrific birdcage. Once, on a vacation with Mrs. Columbo, I saw a magician make a tiger disappear right out of the ring, but I've never seen a trick like that guillotine trick upstairs. That must be some dangerous trick.
Bert Spindler: Not if you're careful. Max built in some safeguards, made it all foolproof.
Lt. Columbo: What happened to Max, that didn't look very foolproof. How do you explain that?
Bert Spindler: Are you sure you won't join me, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: No, thank you very much, sir.
Bert Spindler: Max must have gotten careless. Forgot to lock in the safety bolt.


"Columbo: It's All in the Game (#12.1)" (1993)
Lt. Columbo: Just one more thing!

Laura Staton: Do you have a first name I can call you by?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah. "Lieutenant."

Lt. Columbo: Can I ask you something?
Laura Staton: Why do you ask if you could ask? You're gonna do it anyway.

Barney: Can I ask you a question?
Lt. Columbo: No!
Barney: How do you do a thing like that? How do you lock up the lady the way you feel about her?
Lt. Columbo: Who said I felt anything about her?
Barney: You did!
Lt. Columbo: Listen, you believe everything a cop tells you, you're a damn fool.

Laura Staton: You've come to tell me you can't make it tonight?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, nooooo.
Laura Staton: You've come to tell me there's one more thing?
Lt. Columbo: [Breaks into a huge grin] That's a yes.

Lt. Columbo: If they did it, ya catch 'em. If an angel did it, ya get the cuffs for the hands and a rope for the wings.


"Columbo: Dagger of the Mind (#2.4)" (1972)
Constable: Mr. Tanner, he was properly disturbed finding the master expired, and before breakfast and all; so, I stayed around to help see to the removal of the remains. Uh, just took His Lordship off, they did, to... to have him properly coffined for public mourning, uh, considering his station.
Columbo: What is he saying?
Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: His Lordship died... of some sort of accident.

Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: Uh, the lieutenant's here from Los Angeles for a few days. He's observing our latest techniques at the Yard.
Tanner: How interesting. Let's hope some of it "rubs off," as they say.
Columbo: Oh, thank you very much. I certainly hope so.

Lillian Stanhope: You are a reporter?
Columbo: Oh, no, ma'am, no. Oh, no, I'm terribly sorry. No, my name is Columbo. I'm just a visiting fireman.

[Durk takes Columbo to his men's club for tea and a bite to eat. A server appears with a cart of food]
Columbo: When you said tea, I was afraid we were going to get nothing but those tiny sandwiches. This is terrific.
George, Steward at Supt. Durk's Club: Why do you think we keep the ladies out, sir?
[Columbo is nonplussed]

Columbo: There HAS to be an explanation.
Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: Oh, come, come, come, come. Don't be so distressed. At least it's been amusing chasing an American wild goose for a change, eh?

Columbo: [hearing Big Ben chime and checking his watch] Boy, that's terrific. Thing that old, it's only a minute slow.
Det. Chief Supt. William Durk: Really. We must put another penny on the governor.


"Columbo: The Greenhouse Jungle (#2.2)" (1972)
Sergeant Frederic Wilson: J'ever see one of these before, Lieutenant?
Columbo: Uh... no, not sure I have. It, eh, looks kind of familiar, though.
Sergeant Frederic Wilson: It's a camera-mounted starlight scope. They used 'em quite a bit at Berkeley for night work.
Columbo: You mean that takes pictures in the dark?
Sergeant Frederic Wilson: Yeah. I bought this one myself.
Columbo: You used your own money?
Sergeant Frederic Wilson: Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.
Columbo: You must be a bachelor.

Columbo: Listen, if I arrested everybody with an unregistered weapon in Los Angeles, believe me, I'd have half the population in jail.

Jarvis Goodland: Ah, the trust fund! That's why you wanted ME here.
Cathy Goodland: Well, Jarvis, I certainly knew you wouldn't help me raise the money any other way.
Columbo: I'm sorry. I don't quite understand about that trust fund.
Jarvis Goodland: Well, you see, I'm co-administrator with the bank of a trust fund set up by Tony's father. And you, Catherine, should know, of all people, that he put enough strings in there to protect Tony from his own bad habits... and grasping wives.

Columbo: Uh, your nephew's wrecked car, for instance, uh... You know, we found that thing with the ignition and lights off and the gear in neutral.
Jarvis Goodland: Neutral? But the letter said he was forced off the road. Perhaps they grabbed Tony and then pushed the car over the side to keep it out of sight, don't you think?
Columbo: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what it looks like, all right. Of course, only then, one of them made that first telephone call to Mrs. Goodland.
Jarvis Goodland: Well, that was to make her believe the letter when she got it. She's a very hard woman to convince of ANYTHING, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Mmm. I wonder how they knew that.

Sergeant Frederic Wilson: Lieutenant, as you've probably noticed, there are three cups, three plates, three different brands of cigarettes. That means there were two persons here besides the victim. That's obvious.
Columbo: Yeah. Awfully obvious.


"Columbo: Lady in Waiting (#1.5)" (1971)
Peter Hamilton: ...I won't be a hypocrite, Lieutenant. I'm sorry about poor Bryce being killed, but it has gotten Beth out from under his thumb.
Columbo: Oh, yeah, yeah... Way out! Huh?
[He gestures with his hands]

Peter Hamilton: Now, Lieutenant, you don't really think that Beth killed her brother in cold blood, now do you?
Columbo: Well, as a matter of fact... I do.

Columbo: Uh, my name is Columbo, ma'am. I'm a, uh... lieutenant, uh, from the police.
[shows badge then puts it away]
Mrs. Chadwick: Dah, just a minute. Not so quickly. I'd like to look that over.
[examines his I.D. then him]
Mrs. Chadwick: Well, I must say, you hardly look the role.

Columbo: This is a terrible thing to admit, but, uh... I think that, in a way, her brother's death is the best thing that ever happened to her.

Hostess: Ah, Lieutenant. Your cigar?
Columbo: What about it?
Hostess: Uh... Well, the fragrance is not, um... compatible.
Columbo: That's a shame. I just lit it.


"Columbo: By Dawn's Early Light (#4.3)" (1974)
Lt. Columbo: I guess boys will be boys.
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Boys WILL be boys, Lieutenant, but someone's gotta turn 'em into men.

Lt. Columbo: You have to forgive me, it's not me, it's my mind, it's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Do you have a first name?
Lt. Columbo: I do. My wife is about the only one that uses it.

Lt. Columbo: Let me ask you something. Jeez, I hope this doesn't sound foolish.

Lt. Columbo: ALL CADETS, REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE!
Col. Lyle C. Rumford: Lieutenant, what the hell's going on here?


"Columbo: Publish or Perish (#3.5)" (1974)
Ms. McRae: Lieutenant, your evidence!
Lieutenant Columbo: Oh! I get preoccupied, I forget my head.

Restaurant Manager: Your check, Lt.
Lieutenant Columbo: Six dollars! Excuse me, err... no I think there's a mistake, I had the chilli and the iced tea.
Restaurant Manager: Oh.
[makes alterations on check]
Lieutenant Columbo: Six seventy-five?
Restaurant Manager: I forgot to add the iced tea.

Policeman in office: Wanna cup of coffee or something?
Lieutenant Columbo: No thanks I just ate. You want some advice, be careful where you eat chilli.
Policeman in office: Why, too hot?
Lieutenant Columbo: Too high!

Lieutenant Columbo: Excuse me, I don't need a parking check?
Parking Attendant: [pointedly] Mister, I'll remember your car.

Lieutenant Columbo: For $100,000, ya don't kill off Rock Hudson.


"Columbo: Lovely But Lethal (#3.1)" (1973)
Viveca Scott: Do I know you?
Columbo: You don't know me, ma'am, but I sure know you. Every time I shave, there ya are. It's a pleasure.

Viveca Scott: Well, what does David say?
Columbo: [Sarcastically] What does a clam say?

Columbo: Miss Scott, are you aware that Karl Lessing had a photograph of yours which he put in his dartboard and which he used as a target?
Viveca Scott: A what?
Columbo: Now, don't get excited. It doesn't mean anything. A lot of people wanna throw darts at their bosses. You know, as a matter of fact, a while back here, uh, there was a captain of detectives, and he and I didn't get along. I used to have fantasies about him. I always had my hands around his throat...
Viveca Scott: You belong in a museum!

Columbo: Gee whiz, you'd think that they were building secret weapons around here.
Lab Attendant: Why, we're not?

Columbo: Uh, what I really wanna do is clear up some gossip I keep hearing - and this'll be my last question: Miss Scott, you're a beautiful woman, you got a lot of life in ya, handsome young man comes to work for ya, Mr. Lessing is an attractive single man...
Viveca Scott: And you heard that I might've dated him a couple of times, is that it? Well, that's quite true. Do you know how long ago that was? That was two years ago, and there've been hundreds since then. I like young men, Lieutenant, lots of them, and if that shocks your ancient masculine double standard, I'm sorry!


"Columbo: Columbo Goes to College (#10.1)" (1990)
Cooper Redman: This is pretty scary stuff.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I tell you, sometimes it can be a pretty scary world.

Lt. Columbo: I know what you asked and I'm trying to avoid the question.

Lt. Columbo: Well, sometimes, when you know something, it's better to keep it to yourself. You don't have to blab everything right away. Wait. Who knows what will happen? Timing. That's important. And lucky. You got to be lucky.

Valet: [Handing Columbo the keys] Your car, sir.
Lt. Columbo: [Puzzled] How'd you know it was mine?
Valet: [Smiling] Ah, just a lucky guess.


"Columbo: Dead Weight (#1.3)" (1971)
Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: You know, Lieutenant, I don't see how a man, with the name of Columbo... shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?
Lt. Columbo: Must've been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?

Lt. Columbo: Look, in order to understand a man, you have to understand his past.

Lt. Columbo: All right, I'm gonna go in and speak to the general, and while I'm doing that I want you to search the yacht.
Officer Sanchez: Uh, but, Lieutenant, I don't have a warrant.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'll ask the general for permission. If he doesn't give it, then I'll get a warrant. In the meantime, check it out.

Lt. Columbo: I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, sir, but we have this report, uh, about this shooting.
Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: A shooting?
Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir. In this house.
Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister: That's quite an opening line, Lieutenant.


"Columbo: Double Shock (#2.8)" (1973)
Mrs. Peck: Bum! You're a bum! Putting your stinking cigar butt in this silver antique dish! D'you see this?
Columbo: I thought it was an ashtray. I have one at home that looks exactly like that.

Columbo: Mrs. Peck? Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you, I know that. I'm a stranger in your house that you love and I'm here to do something that's not very pleasant, so I don't expect you to like me but I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck. Now, I'm sorry about being untidy. That's something that I can't control. That's a fault of mine that I-I, I don't know, I just can't correct that, and I've tried many years. I'm just very untidy. That's my nature, but I've never been un... I-I-I've never been rude to you, Mrs. Peck, and-and i-if you keep on treating me like an enemy just because I'm here trying to find who killed a man that you worked for for thirty-three years, well, then... well, then I think you're a very unfair person.

Columbo: Would you mind very much coming with me into the bathroom?

Michael Hatheway: [Referring to Mrs. Peck and the twins] She practically raised both boys. So she has more love for the boys than the family does.
Columbo: [Sensitive to Mrs. Peck's hostility to him] I think she hates me. I really feel that.


"Columbo: Sex and the Married Detective (#8.3)" (1989)
Dr. Joan: Do you think less of me?
Lt. Columbo: Ma'am, I'm just a policeman. Judging people... that's all up to someone else, but I have to say that I've enjoyed our talks very much, and I think I do understand.

Dr. Joan: Could I bring you something to drink?
Charlie: Uh, sure, could you manage some sparkling mineral water?
Dr. Joan: I think so...
[to Columbo]
Dr. Joan: Same for you. Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, no, thank you, Ma'am. I'll just have some seltzer.

Lt. Columbo: Well, but when you get right down to it, Ma'am, only one woman came in, and only one woman went out, and whatever all this means, we have to look at the lady in black, and when we find her, I promise yuh, you're gonna be the first to know!

Lt. Columbo: Popular sex; that's something... we certainly got to watch out for that.


"Columbo: Short Fuse (#1.6)" (1972)
Doris Buckner: Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police, and he said he'd send over his very best man.
Roger Stanford: [looking Columbo over] Is that a fact?
Lt. Columbo: Lt. Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second-best, but, uh... She claims there are eighty fellas tied for first.

Lt. Columbo: You don't think that all of these people wanted to kill Mr. Buckner, do you?
Roger Stanford: I did; but, a large corporation is like a jungle, Lieutenant, to coin a phrase.

Lt. Columbo: You know something, Roger? The truth is hard to find - sometimes - but sometimes it's right in front of ya and ya can't prove it.


"Columbo: Make Me a Perfect Murder (#7.3)" (1978)
Columbo: [to Kay] Interesting, isn't it, how you can work these small things out if you just think about it... like you got a tiny voice whisperin' right in your ear trying to tell you who did it?

Columbo: [entering Kay's office] That's a very impressive desk, Ma'am. You can run the world from a desk like that.
Kay Freestone: The world doesn't count - just the West coast.

Columbo: I took a trip a few years ago. Took Mrs. Columbo back to the house where I grew up. Looked all shrunk. I had five brothers and one sister, Miss Freestone, and that was really terrific. There was always someone around for company. We were never lonely.


"Columbo: A Trace of Murder (#13.2)" (1997)
Lt. Columbo: That'll be good, you and me together, Pat. Three eyes are better than one.

Clifford Calvert: Am I a suspect?
Lt. Columbo: [Responding to the utterly bald Calvert] Oh no, sir, no. This is just routine. I have to file some kind of a report. So you'll just answer a couple of questions, I'll be outta your hair.
[pause, as he notices angry glare from Calvert]
Lt. Columbo: Sorry, sir.

Lt. Columbo: Gee, I've got a dozen stops to make. You know, the first day of a homicide investigation, you wouldn't believe it. It's murder.


"Columbo: The Bye-Bye Sky High I.Q. Murder Case (#6.3)" (1977)
Lt. Columbo: You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life I kept running into smart people. I don't just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were lots of smarter kids. And when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there. And I could tell right away that it wasn't gonna be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured, if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open, maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.
Oliver Brandt: I can tell you do.

Lt. Columbo: Here I've been talking with the most intelligent people in the world, and I never even noticed.

Suzy: I like the way you wear your hair.
Lt. Columbo: What I'm saying is... Oh, thank you very much, ma'am. I like the way you wear yours.


"Columbo: Rest in Peace, Mrs. Columbo (#9.4)" (1990)
Columbo: What kinda house sells for 5.7 million? Must have a lot of bedrooms!
Vivian Dimitri: Yes, eight, I think.
Columbo: What is it, some kind of mansion?
Vivian Dimitri: Well, not exactly. It needs a little work, but it's in the right neighborhood.
Columbo: Needs work? You mean it's a fixer?
Vivian Dimitri: Well, I wouldn't go that far!

Columbo: Gracie, what happened, you lost the chef?
Gracie: Chef?
Columbo: Brama, the big guy. He had one brown eye, one blue.
Gracie: He went back to Mazatlan two months ago. We have a new guy back there, now, Heinrich.
Columbo: Heinrich? You got a guy named Heinrich to make Chili?
[Gets up to leave]
Columbo: Keep the change.
[Puts money on counter. Turns to sergeant]
Columbo: Come on Brady, I gotta walk this stuff off.
[Walking outside]
Columbo: My wife told me that that stuff was gonna kill me some day. I think she was right.

Dr. Steadman: Well, perhaps the lieutenant would like to see a menu?
Columbo: Ah, that won't be necessary, sir.
[as Maitre D' walks away with back turned,]
Columbo: I'll just have a BLT on white toast and cream soda.
Maitre D': [Maitre D' abruptly turns around, and while filling out menu, says] One embarcadero garni.
Columbo: Thank you very much.
[Looking at Dr. Steadman's plate]
Columbo: What are they, snails?
Dr. Steadman: Escargo dipped in garlic butter. Flavor is fantastic.
Columbo: Oh garlic, that's what I smell. What's it for?
[pause]
Columbo: To kill the taste of the snails?
Maitre D': [Returning with plate 5 minutes later] Your embarcadero, sir. Garni.
Columbo: Ah, excuse me, I just ordered a B.L.T., what's all this?
Maitre D': That's garni, sir.
Columbo: Oh. Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not feeling too hungry. Maybe you could put this in a doggie bag and I'll eat it on the plane?
Maitre D': [With expression of disdain] Of course, sir.
Columbo: Thank you. Ah, just the sandwich. The garni... you can keep the garni.


"Columbo: Death Hits the Jackpot (#11.1)" (1991)
Columbo: Well, the bad news, ma'am, is that Mr. Lamarr here is going to be arrested for the murder of your husband.
Nancy Brower: Oh, my God. Leon, how could you?
Leon Lamarr: Ha!
Nancy Brower: And what's the good news?
Columbo: That you've just inherited the better part of $24 million after taxes. It wasn't Mr. Lamarr who won the lottery, it was your late husband.
Nancy Brower: [pretending surprise] What?
Columbo: And even though you were in the process of getting a divorce, you were still legally married at the time of the drawing.
Nancy Brower: I get the money?
Columbo: All of it. All of those millions.
Leon Lamarr: It'll be a cold day in hell.
Nancy Brower: Leon!
Leon Lamarr: You lying, treacherous bitch, you sold ol' Leon out, didn't you? You want to see some cooperation? Girl, I'm gonna show you some cooperation.
[to Columbo]
Leon Lamarr: Who do you think it was pretending to be Freddie calling me from the studio that night?
[with Nancy ranting and raving, and with Leon chuckling]
Columbo: That's it.
[to another officer]
Columbo: All right, book 'em. Both of 'em.

Columbo: [about the things the chimpanzee touched] What do these things have in common? They're all shiny, and they're all metal, just like this medallion.

Columbo: You know, on second thought, maybe I oughta have our old car repainted. Jack, it's 25 years. I oughta do something special.
Jack: Your car or her car?
Columbo: I didn't hear that.


"Columbo: Columbo Likes the Nightlife (#13.5)" (2003)
Lt. Columbo: What a great idea, fish in a dance floor. Fantastic! Yeah, fantastic!

Lt. Columbo: What are these fish called again?
Justin Price: Koi.
Lt. Columbo: Koi! Magnificent creatures.

Lt. Columbo: This place really coulda been something. Too bad.


"Columbo: Uneasy Lies the Crown (#9.5)" (1990)
Dr. Wesley Corman: You think I killed Evan?
Columbo: Yes sir, I do.

Columbo: If you don't mind, sir, it's very cold out here, you think I could come in? This coat doesn't have a lining.

Columbo: I don't know what I want, but I don't want the usual.


"Columbo: Caution: Murder Can Be Hazardous to Your Health (#10.2)" (1991)
Columbo: [to Budd Clarke's dog] Oh, you're a girl! Gee, you have more life in you than my dog.

Columbo: My niece's green thumb couldn't make hedges grow that fast.

Columbo: [on set for a TV award ceremony] Can you tell me something? Is Roseanne Barr here?


"Columbo: Murder, Smoke and Shadows (#8.2)" (1989)
Columbo: Mr. Brady, sir.
Alex Bradey: What are you doing in my desert, lieutenant?

Columbo: [referring to the water bed] You know, I've never tried one of these. My wife, that's Mrs. Columbo, she tried to get me interested.
Alex Bradey: [after Columbo lies on the bed] Well, how do you like it?
Columbo: Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it feels all swimmy. Makes me wonder what Mrs. Columbo had in mind.


"Columbo: Columbo and the Murder of a Rock Star (#10.3)" (1991)
Lt. Columbo: You know, in all the years I've had this car, this is the first time I've ever had the top down!

Lt. Columbo: [reading off a card] You have the right to remain silent, you know if you give that up, anything you say can be used against you. You have the right to retain an attorney... you have the right to... what the hell is that?


"Columbo: Strange Bedfellows (#13.1)" (1995)
Lieutenant Columbo: Oh sir, just one more thing.
Graham McVeigh: No, Lieutenant, there is no "just one more thing." Goodbye!

Vincenzo Fortelli: I'll give you a choice. You can walk outta here and never come back, keep your mouth shut; the other choice, I don't think I have to go into a bunch of detail about.
Lieutenant Columbo: You're not gonna kill a police officer?
Vincenzo Fortelli: Wouldn't be the first time.
Graham McVeigh: [after long, pensive stares at McVeigh and Fortelli, Columbo turns and heads out] For God's sake!
Lieutenant Columbo: [Stopping and turning around] I'm sorry sir. They don't pay me enough for this kind of stuff.


"Columbo: No Time to Die (#11.2)" (1992)
Columbo: You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a police force.

Melissa Alexandra Hayes: Where did you learn that?
Columbo: Mrs. Columbo! She loves to dance! That's how I get my exercise, she wears me out!


"Columbo: Agenda for Murder (#9.3)" (1990)
Paul Mackey: I would hate to think there was any suspicion or innuendo about me!
Lt. Columbo: I would too, sir.

Lt. Columbo: "There was this Jewish lady walking down Beverly Drive, and coming the other way, this flasher guy in his overcoat. When he gets up to her, he whips open the coat. She looks at him and says, 'You call that a lining?'"


"Columbo: The Most Dangerous Match (#2.7)" (1973)
Columbo: I'll tell you what bothered me.

[last lines]
Columbo: I'm sorry, Mr. Clayton, but along with all the other trivial evidence that we've talked about, the murderer in this case just had to be a deaf man.


"Columbo: Grand Deceptions (#8.4)" (1989)
Lieutenant Columbo: There's just one more thing, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo: You know, Colonel, the way we always agree with one another, that's amazing, considering the fact that we really don't like one another. Would you agree with me on that?
Colonel Frank Brailie: I think I'd have to agree.
Lieutenant Columbo: You see? We agree again.


"Columbo: Murder, a Self Portrait (#9.1)" (1989)
Lt. Columbo: You would never tell.
Vanessa Barsini: Wild horses couldn't get it out of me.


"Columbo: Murder with Too Many Notes (#13.4)" (2000)
Lt. Columbo: Just one more thing, sir.