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Quotes for
Taj (Character)
from Van Wilder (2002)

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Van Wilder (2002)
Van Wilder: All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Look at me. No cock pump.
Taj: No cock pump. Barry White.

Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.
Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.
Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

Hutch: In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light.
Taj: That's no bong... It's for my shlong.
[Hutch starts coughing and gagging]
Hutch: Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?
[Taj nods his head]
Hutch: Oh damn!

Taj: Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit I applied for this job because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump, but I do not believe that this dilemma can be solved by partying.

Taj: You have shown me a live I could only dream about back home while masturbating in my father's woodshed.

Taj: Doesn't she have a boyfriend?
Van Wilder: Details. Only details.

[Stripper farts, blowing white powder over Van, Hutch and Taj. There is a pause before Van whoops and claps in applause]
Van Wilder: Taj, your first blow job!
Taj: In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!

Taj: We are truly up the Ganga river without a bamboo oar.

Van Wilder: I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore.
Taj: A good soldier does not leave his commander just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets, intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. I will stay on at no charge.

Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj (2006)
Taj: As Mr. Van Wilder would say, "If you can't join them, beat them".

Pipp Everett, the Earl of Grey: Let's settle this the way my ancestors did!
[Reaches for the swords hanging on the wall]
Taj: You want to exploit me economically?

Taj: verticle smile, scrambled eggs between the legs, sunny side up on the way to the butt

Woman on Plane: Excuse me, is that Madamendira Bombay Hot Sauce?
Taj: No way, you know it?
Woman on Plane: I have this... thing for spices.
Taj: You have a TING?

Taj: Simon?
Simon: I have... I have a problem.
Taj: [to the other guys] Oh, my God, he's talking. Well, Simon, whatever you problem is, we're your friends, you can tell us.
Simon: Well, you wee, it's to do with the size of my piddler.
Taj: Your... Oh. Well, you know, it's an understood fact that a man's piddler is... Appears smaller to himself than it is in real life.
Simon: Well, you see, that's what I'm afraid of. 'Cause according to me it has some 11 inches.
Taj: Come again? Figuratively.

Taj: A surprise in the woods? Well, can you give me a second? Let me go repack my wallet real quick.

Seamus: [offering Taj liquor] I'm sorry I lumped you in the face, mate. Fancy a sneaky quick one?
Taj: No, no, no. I think you've given me enough sneaky quick ones for the day. Thank you, Seamus.

Gethin: Sadie, this is Taj Badalandabad, our new head of house.
Sadie: Alright me ol' mucker, have a shake then I ain't got the clap or nothing.
Gethin: She means Handshake.
Taj: Of course, of course, Hi.
Gethin: Sadie is a cockney. It takes time to understand her words, they fit in her mouth funny.
Taj: Lucky words. You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie?
Sadie: Yeah, It's alright. Blokes here are a bit stuffy here though. I mean I never thought it would be so hard finding someone worth slapping the ol' panhandle. You know, giving a blowjob. Nothing like getting your tongue around a nice fat one. Sliding it in, and out, in, and out, in, and out, in, and out. Milking it like a cow until it explodes in the back of your mouth.
Taj: Wow, I must have an amazing ear for dialects. I understood everything she said perfectly!

Seamus O'Toole: What did you say your name was again?
Taj Badalandabad: Taj Badalandabad, your new head of house.
Seamus O'Toole: Taj Badalandabad. That's a quite a tongue-twister.
Taj Badalandabad: It's not that hard to say. You got it right.
Seamus O'Toole: Yeah, but I've been drinking all day.