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: All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Look at me. No cock pump. Taj
: No cock pump. Barry White.
: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant. Van Wilder
: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk. Taj
: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.
: [Jumps up
] WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT? Hutch
: In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light. Taj
: That's no bong... It's for my shlong.
[Hutch starts coughing and gagging
: Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?
[Taj nods his head
: Oh damn!
: Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit I applied for this job because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump, but I do not believe that this dilemma can be solved by partying.
: You have shown me a live I could only dream about back home while masturbating in my father's woodshed.
: Doesn't she have a boyfriend? Van Wilder
: Details. Only details.
[Stripper farts, blowing white powder over Van, Hutch and Taj. There is a pause before Van whoops and claps in applause
] Van Wilder
: Taj, your first blow job! Taj
: In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!
: We are truly up the Ganga river without a bamboo oar.
: I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore. Taj
: A good soldier does not leave his commander just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets, intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. I will stay on at no charge.
: As Mr. Van Wilder would say, "If you can't join them, beat them".
Pipp Everett, the Earl of Grey
: Let's settle this the way my ancestors did!
[Reaches for the swords hanging on the wall
: You want to exploit me economically?
: verticle smile, scrambled eggs between the legs, sunny side up on the way to the butt
Woman on Plane
: Excuse me, is that Madamendira Bombay Hot Sauce? Taj
: No way, you know it? Woman on Plane
: I have this... thing for spices. Taj
: You have a TING?
: Simon? Simon
: I have... I have a problem. Taj
: [to the other guys
] Oh, my God, he's talking. Well, Simon, whatever you problem is, we're your friends, you can tell us. Simon
: Well, you wee, it's to do with the size of my piddler. Taj
: Your... Oh. Well, you know, it's an understood fact that a man's piddler is... Appears smaller to himself than it is in real life. Simon
: Well, you see, that's what I'm afraid of. 'Cause according to me it has some 11 inches. Taj
: Come again? Figuratively.
: A surprise in the woods? Well, can you give me a second? Let me go repack my wallet real quick.
: [offering Taj liquor
] I'm sorry I lumped you in the face, mate. Fancy a sneaky quick one? Taj
: No, no, no. I think you've given me enough sneaky quick ones for the day. Thank you, Seamus.
: Sadie, this is Taj Badalandabad, our new head of house. Sadie
: Alright me ol' mucker, have a shake then I ain't got the clap or nothing. Gethin
: She means Handshake. Taj
: Of course, of course, Hi. Gethin
: Sadie is a cockney. It takes time to understand her words, they fit in her mouth funny. Taj
: Lucky words. You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie? Sadie
: Yeah, It's alright. Blokes here are a bit stuffy here though. I mean I never thought it would be so hard finding someone worth slapping the ol' panhandle. You know, giving a blowjob. Nothing like getting your tongue around a nice fat one. Sliding it in, and out, in, and out, in, and out, in, and out. Milking it like a cow until it explodes in the back of your mouth. Taj
: Wow, I must have an amazing ear for dialects. I understood everything she said perfectly!
: What did you say your name was again? Taj Badalandabad
: Taj Badalandabad, your new head of house. Seamus O'Toole
: Taj Badalandabad. That's a quite a tongue-twister. Taj Badalandabad
: It's not that hard to say. You got it right. Seamus O'Toole
: Yeah, but I've been drinking all day.