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Quotes for
Lt. Steven Hauk (Character)
from Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)

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Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)
Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.

Richard Nixon: [Adrian has inserted his voice onto the press conference with Nixon] As I leave Vietnam today there will be no doubt in my mind that the Viet cong will be defeated. And this war will be won. It does involve as you have suggested give and take.
Adrian Cronauer: Well I really didn't make that suggestion, sir, I'm sorry.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?
Private Abersold: I don't know, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: Mr Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I think I'd rather delve into a more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles?
Richard Nixon: [Hauk turns to the radio in horror] That they're soft and they're very shallow and they serve no purpose.
Adrian Cronauer: So what are you saying, sir?
Richard Nixon: They lack the physical strength.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Oh, my God. Please don't do this to me.
Adrian Cronauer: How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat?
Richard Nixon: It is unexciting sometimes.
Adrian Cronauer: Well, you can consider a sex change. There is an operation that can transform you into a female white dane or a very hell wung chihuaua. Mr. Nixon it is rumored that you have smoked marijuana. Are you planning to take some of the marijuana home back to the United States? How would you do that?
Richard Nixon: By plane. By helicopter and also by automobile.

Lt. Steven Hauk: And where you do imagine you're going?
Adrian Cronauer: I'm going to get something to eat.
Lt. Steven Hauk: You ain't got time. You'll stay here and drink instant beverages or something. We promised our viewing audience Nixon highlights by 4:00 PM.
Adrian Cronauer: I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.
Lt. Steven Hauk: That's a joke right? I get it.
Adrian Cronauer: No. I'm actually hungry
Lt. Steven Hauk: Well I'm actually giving you an order.
Adrian Cronauer: Oh it's an order. In that case gentlemen. Let's edit.

Lt. Steven Hauk: First of all, don't make fun of the weather here, and don't say the weather is the same all the time here. Because it's not. In fact, it's two degrees colder today than yesterday.
Adrian Cronauer: Two degrees colder, me without my muff.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music, not weird stuff. Those who we'd find acceptable here would include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovani...
Adrian Cronauer: ...Percy Faith...
Lt. Steven Hauk: Percy Faith... good!... Andy Williams, Perry Como, and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra.
Adrian Cronauer: Would Bob Dylan be outta line?
Lt. Steven Hauk: Way, way outta line!

Lt. Steven Hauk: Where's Crounauer?
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: Still eating, sir.
Lt. Steven Hauk: I want to see him ASAP.
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: What, sir?
Lt. Steven Hauk: As soon as possible.
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: VG sir.

Lieutenant Steven Hauk: "Good morning, Vietnam." What the heck is that supposed to mean?
Private Abersold: I don't know, Lieutenant, I guess it means good morning, Vietnam.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: And who gave him permission to play modern music?

[Listening to Cronauer]
Private Abersold: You know, he's funny, he's like a Marx Brother.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: And which Marx Brother would that be, Private? Zeppo? I don't find him funny at all.
Private Abersold: Zeppo? Wasn't he the one with the hat?

Lieutenant Steven Hauk: I understand you're pretty funny as a dee-jay and, well, comedy is kind of a hobby of mine. Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby, Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.
Adrian Cronauer: Really.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: Yeah. And perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories, for fun.
Adrian Cronauer: Oh, why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records, that'd be a hoot.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: That's a joke, right?
Adrian Cronauer: Maybe.
Lieutenant Steven Hauk: I get it.

Lieutenant Steven Hauk: I think some apologies are in order.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?
Phil McPherson: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Why not?
Edward Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.
Lt. Steven Hauk: That is not funny!
Private Abersold: How about if it escalated?
Lt. Steven Hauk: How about if what escalated?
Private Abersold: The Vietnam conflict.
Lt. Steven Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!

Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency. He did a very off-color parody of former VP Nixon.
General Taylor: I thought it was hilarious.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man.
General Taylor: Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that could fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch and I consider him a good, close, personal friend.

Lt. Steven Hauk: The former V.P. is a good man and a decent man.
General Taylor: Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that could fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch, and I consider him a good, close personal friend.

Lt. Steven Hauk: [after Cronauer reels off the string of acronyms regarding Richard Nixon's visit] I would like to leave the room now.