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: Women: you can't live with them, and they can't pee standing up.
: Hey, Cerrano. I'm on the rooster.
: Rube, you look at Playboy all the time, don't you? Rube Baker
: I don't just look at it. I read the articles. Jake Taylor
: Sure you do. Rube Baker
: I do. I especially like it when they mention the girls' interests, like Betsy loves surfing. Jake Taylor
: You even memorize them? Rube Baker
: Yep. I guess I do. Jake Taylor
: Wow, Willie's really got some power. Lou Brown
: Off a guy who'll be bagging groceries in a couple of weeks!
[Jake and Rube are discussing Rube's problems as a catcher
] Jake Taylor
: What exactly is your problem? Rube Baker
: Well, uh...
[a limo's horn sounds and the limo pulls up
] Rube Baker
: Well, uh... hell that's the biggest damn car I ever saw. Willie Mays Hayes
: [an entourage of eleven people gets out of the car, followed by Willie
] Say Jake! Oh-hooo! Ha-ha! Rube Baker
: Who are they? Jake Taylor
] They are our centerfielder.
: Mr. Parkman, your a great ballplayer and I just like to say, your standing on the tracks and the train's coming through butthead.
: My momma always said, "It's better to eat shit than to not eat at all."
: Rube, what's going through your head just before you throw the ball back to the pitcher? Rube Baker
: I'm thinking, "Damn, I don't want to screw this up." Jake Taylor
: Well, what are you thinking when you throw a strike to nail the runner down at second base? Rube Baker
: Well, I, I'm not thinking nothing. I just throw it. Jake Taylor
: You see what I'm getting at? Rube Baker
: You want the pitcher to pitch from second base? Jake Taylor
: [frustrated, blank look
: Hey. Ya know Ricky, breaking up with a girlfriend can be a very painful thing. But it don't have to keep ya down for long. I mean, let me tell ya something from my own personal experience. I've never had a regular girlfriend like you, but I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule. Now, I thought I would be hurting for the rest of my life. But you know what happened the very next week? Rick Vaughn
: What? Rube Baker
: My momma died. Hell, after that, I didn't care no more about my balls hurtin'. You see what I'm gettin' at?
: [when Parkman is up to bat, facing Vaughn
] Mr. Parkman, you're a good ball player, but I want to say, that you're standing on the tracks and the train's is about to come through, bonehead.
: When the tough get goin', go an' get tough.
: They're going to send me back to Omaha and I don't even live there!
[Willie is in his first at-bat and points his bat to the left field fence
] Harry Doyle
: And look at this. Willie Mays Hayes is calling his shot. Johnny
: All right Willie! Right here! Rube Baker
: What's he pointing at? Does he know somebody out there! Harry Doyle
: Hayes steps in and gets his pitch. There's a swing and it's going toward left. And it is...
[Willie hits the ball and the left fielder catches it at the warning track
] Harry Doyle
: Not quite gone. Willie Mays Hayes
: That had to be the wind. Johnny
: It must have been the wind.
Willie Mays Hayes
: [sees that Rube's injured
] Lucky son of a gun. At least you ain't gotta hang around to play the second game, right?
] Rube Baker
: Hey, Willie. Willie! I can't believe you said that. Shit! I talked to a boy in the bleachers the other day who hales from downtown. He told me the most grass he's ever seen in his whole life is the patch that we get to play on everyday.
[to the team
] Rube Baker
: We're in the goldarn major leagues, boys. I don't know about any of you, but I've been waiting my whole life to get here. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna act like my best pig died just cuz we ain't doin' so good. I love to play baseball and I'll bet, somewhere along the line, you all did too.
[turns to Jake
] Rube Baker
: I'm ready to play ball if you need me. My Dad figured I wouldn't amount to much except... well, I never came up with anything, but I know I can play ball a little. And a day of playin' ball is better than what most people have to do for a living. So just put me in someplace.
: Hey Rube. Rube Baker
: Hey Skip. Gus Cantrell
: Say Rube, I was wondering, do you have any hidden skills? Rube Baker
: Hidden skills? Gus Cantrell
: Yeah, like if my car wasn't running right, would you be able to take the carburetor apart and fix it? Rube Baker
: No. I don't know anything about carburetors. Gus Cantrell
: How about if I bought some lumber, would you be able to build me a coffee table? Rube Baker
: I don't think so. Gus Cantrell
: So your skills have primarily lend themselves to baseball. Can we say that? Rube Baker
: Yeah, we can say that. Gus Cantrell
: If another routine ground ball lands 15 rows in the grandstands, I'm sending your ass home. So I suggest you make your throws. Or, I suggest you invest in some how-to books and find a fallback profession, understood. Rube Baker
[Rube leaves the dugout, and comes back in, and leaves again
] Rube Baker
: Mitt. Doc
: I thought you were going to give him the gentle speech. Gus Cantrell
: That was it.
: Tell that son of a bitch to throw me his fastball. Rube Baker
: That was his fastball.
: Gus Cantrell, you remember me? Gus Cantrell
: Rube Baker, what are you doing here? I thought you were with San Diego. Rube Baker
: I was with San Diego, but some throwing problems came back to haunt me. Gus Cantrell
: Having trouble making the throw to second? Rube Baker
: Yeah, second. And uh, first. Third, a little. I still have trouble getting the ball back to the pitcher. Gus Cantrell
: Oh, come on I don't believe that. Just take it back and let 'er rip.
[Rube throws the ball, it leaves the field and hits a car
: Mom, they did it again.
: Carlos Liston, a resident mad man and cleanup hitter. Hog Ellis
: I have to pitch to him today? Rube Baker
] Frank 'Pops' Morgan
: Just remember one thing, Carlos is a bit like a mad dog. Hog Ellis
: Mad dog? Pedro Cerrano
: If he smells fear, he goes into attack mode. Frank 'Pops' Morgan
: So, whatever you do, Pedro Cerrano
: Don't let him know that you are scared. Hog Ellis
: I need to use the bathroom. Pedro Cerrano
: Use the mound.
: Hog, he's crowding the plate, forcing you to throw to his power. Frank 'Pops' Morgan
: Might want to give him a little chin music. Hog Ellis
: You want me to throw at Carlos Liston? Frank 'Pops' Morgan
: He'll hate you tonight, but he'll respect him in the morning. Hog Ellis
: What do I do if he comes out here? Frank 'Pops' Morgan
: Climbing the center field wall wouldn't be a bad idea.
: Gentlemen, some of you might want to check your contracts. You all set there, Rube? Rube Baker
: Oh, yeah. Gus Cantrell
: Yeah, just a little more mayo there. It seems that you guys signed on to play an entire season, but quit playing about 2/3 of the way through, and I want to know what the hell is going on. Anyone? Yeah, Hog. Hog Ellis
: Well, nobody thinks that we can win without Downtown. Gus Cantrell
: Look, this game is not about one player. Believe me, I miss Downtown just as much as the rest of you. But baseball is about a team, an entire team, playing together. Yeah, look at me like I'm some damn corndog old man who doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about! Frank 'Pops' Morgan
: I don't know about the rest of you, but I remember not too long ago, we were the joke of the league. Now we've won some games. We even went dead even with the big team, and this man made the difference. I think we should listen to what he has to say. Gus Cantrell
: Look, I'm not asking for too much. Just help the guy sitting next to you. Maybe you know something he doesn't. Maybe you can pass that information along. We're traveling tonight. We got the Crawdads tomorrow. By the time we hit the field, I expect everyone's minds to be on teamwork and the business of baseball. That cool? Hog Ellis
: Yeah, it's cool Gus Cantrell
: All right, let's pack up and get out of here.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan
: I'll tell you what, Rube. Playing a big league team, big league park, made the whole 20 years worthwhile. Rube Baker
: It's a beautiful thing.