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: What do you take me for? Eve Harrington
: I don't know that I'd take you for anything. Addison DeWitt
: Is it possible, even conceivable, that you've confused me with that gang of backward children you play tricks on, that you have the same contempt for me as you have for them? Eve Harrington
: I'm sure you mean something by that, Addison, but I don't know what? Addison DeWitt
: Look closely, Eve. It's time you did. I am Addison DeWitt. I am nobody's fool, least of all yours. Eve Harrington
: I never intended you to be. Addison DeWitt
: Yes you did, and you still do. Eve Harrington
: I still don't know what you're getting at, but right now I want to take my nap. It's important... Addison DeWitt
: It's important right now that we talk, killer to killer. Eve Harrington
: Champion to champion. Addison DeWitt
: Not with me, you're no champion. You're stepping way up in class. Eve Harrington
: Addison, will you please say what you have to say, plainly and distinctly, and then get out, so I can take my nap? Addison DeWitt
: Very well - plainly and distinctly - though I consider it unnecessary because you know as well as I do what I'm going to say: Lloyd may leave Karen, but he will not leave Karen for you. Eve Harrington
: What do you mean by that? Addison DeWitt
: More plainly and more distinctly: I have not come to New Haven to see the play, discuss your dreams, or pull the ivy from the walls of Yale. I have come here to tell you that you will not marry Lloyd, or anyone else for that matter, because I will not permit it. Eve Harrington
: What have you got to do with it? Addison DeWitt
: Everything, because after tonight, you will belong to me. Eve Harrington
: Belong? To you? I can't believe my ears! Addison DeWitt
: What a dull cliché. Eve Harrington
: Belong to you - why, that sounds medieval, something out of an old melodrama! Addison DeWitt
: So does the history of the world for the past twenty years. I don't enjoy putting it as bluntly as this. Frankly, I'd hoped that somehow you would have known, that you would have taken it for granted that you and I... Eve Harrington
: Taken it for granted that you and I...
] Addison DeWitt
: [slaps her
] Now, remember, as long as you live, never to laugh at me - at anything or anyone else, but never at me. Eve Harrington
: [walks to the door and opens it
] Get out! Addison DeWitt
: You're too short for that gesture. Besides, it went out with Mrs. Fiske.
[a butler passes by
] Miss Claudia Caswell
: Oh, waiter! Addison DeWitt
: That is not a waiter, my dear, that is a butler. Miss Claudia Caswell
: Well, I can't yell "Oh butler!" can I? Maybe somebody's name is Butler. Addison DeWitt
: You have a point. An idiotic one, but a point. Miss Claudia Caswell
: I don't want to make trouble. All I want is a drink. Max Fabian
: Leave it to me. I'll get you one. Miss Claudia Caswell
: Thank you, Mr. Fabian. Addison DeWitt
: Well done! I can see your career rise in the east like the sun.
: You're maudlin and full of self-pity. You're magnificent!
] Margo Channing is a star of the theater. She made her first stage appearance at the age of four in Midsummer Night's Dream. She played a fairy and entered, quite unexpectedly, stark naked. She has been a star ever since. Margo is a great star, a true star. She never was or will be anything less or anything else.
: Too bad, we're gonna miss the third act. They're gonna play it offstage.
: While you wait you can read my column. It'll make minutes fly like hours.
: That I should want you at all suddenly strikes me as the height of improbability. But that in itself is probably the reason: You're an improbable person, Eve, and so am I. We have that in common. Also our contempt for humanity and inability to love and be loved, insatiable ambition, and talent. We deserve each other.
Miss Claudia Caswell
: Tell me this, do they have auditions for television? Addison DeWitt
: That's, uh, all television is, my dear, nothing but auditions.
: We all have abnormalities in common. We're a breed apart from the rest of humanity, we theatre folk. We are the original displaced personalities.
: There never was, and there never will be, another like you.
: You could sleep now, couldn't you? Eve Harrington
: Why not? Addison DeWitt
: The mark of a true killer: Sleep tight, rest easy, and come out fighting.
: It's not modesty. I just don't try to kid myself. Addison DeWitt
: A revolutionary approach to the Theater.
: I won't play tonight. I couldn't, not possibly. I couldn't go on. Addison DeWitt
: Couldn't go on? You'll give the performance of your life.
: I distinctly remember, Addison, crossing you off of my guest list. What are you doing here? Addison DeWitt
: Dear Margo, you were an unforgettable Peter Pan. You must play it again soon. You remember Miss Caswell. Margo Channing
: I do not. How do you do? Claudia Caswell
: We've never met. Maybe that's why? Addison DeWitt
: Miss Casswell is an actress, a graduate of the Copacabana School of the Dramatic Arts.
] Addison DeWitt
: Ah Eve. Eve Harrington
: Good evening Mr. DeWitt. Margo Channing
: I'd no idea you two knew each other. Addison DeWitt
: This must be at long last our formal introduction. Until now we've only met in passing. Claudia Caswell
: That's how you met me... in passing. Margo Channing
: Eve, this is an old friend of Mr. DeWitt's mother. Miss Caswell, Miss Harrington. Eve Harrington
: Miss Caswell. Claudia Caswell
: How do you do? Margo Channing
: Addison, I've been waiting for you to meet Eve for the longest time. Addison DeWitt
: It could only have been your natural timidity that kept you from mentioning it. Margo Channing
: You've heard of her great interest in the theater. Addison DeWitt
: We have that in common. Margo Channing
: Then you two must have a long talk. Eve Harrington
: I'm afraid Mr. DeWitt would find me boring. Claudia Caswell
: You won't bore him long, you won't get a chance to talk. Addison DeWitt
: Claudia, come here
[takes her aside
] Addison DeWitt
: . You see that man, that's Max Fabian, the producer. Now go do yourself some good. Claudia Caswell
: Why do they always look like unhappy rabbits? Addison DeWitt
: Because that's what they are
[taking her coat
] Addison DeWitt
: , now go and make him happy.
[Goes back to Margo and drapes the coat over her arm
] Addison DeWitt
: Now don't worry about your little charge, she'll be in safe hands.
[Walks off with Eve
] Margo Channing
: [Watches them go, then lifts her martini
: We all come into this world with our little egos equipped with individual horns. If we don't blow them, who else will?
: I don't agree, Addison. Addison DeWitt
: That happens to be your particular abnormality.
] The minor awards, as you can see, have already been presented. Minor awards are for such as the writer and director, since their function is merely to construct a tower so that the world can applaud a light which flashes on top of it. And no brighter light has ever dazzled the eye than Eve Harrington.
: Well, Max has gone to a great deal of trouble. This is going to be an elaborate party, and it's for you. Eve Harrington
: No it isn't.
[raises the award statuette
] Eve Harrington
: It's for this. Addison DeWitt
: It's the same thing, isn't it? Eve Harrington
: Exactly. Here, take it to the party instead of me
[hands it to him
] Eve Harrington
: And what's your name? Phoebe
: Phoebe. Addison DeWitt
: Phoebe? Phoebe
: I call myself Phoebe. Addison DeWitt
: And why not? Tell me, Phoebe, do you want someday to have an award like that of your own? Phoebe
: More than anything else in the world. Addison DeWitt
: Then you must ask Miss Harrington how to get one. Miss Harrington knows all about it.
: [Voice over intro
] Those of you who do not read, attend the theater, listen to unsponsored radio programs, or know anything of the world in which you live, it is perhaps necessary to introduce myself. My name is Addison DeWitt. My native habitat is the theater. In it, I toil not, neither do I spin. I am a critic and commentator. I am essential to the theater.
: Why so remote Addison? I should think you'd be at your protégé's side lending her moral support. Addison DeWitt
: Miss Caswell at the moment is where I can lend no support, moral or otherwise. Margo Channing
: In the lady's, shall we say, lounge? Addison DeWitt
: ...being violently ill to her tummy.