Christopher Moltisanti
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Quotes for
Christopher Moltisanti (Character)
from "The Sopranos" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Sopranos: A Hit Is a Hit (#1.10)" (1999)
Christopher Moltisanti: That's guy a gangster? I'm a gangster! I'm an O.G. Original Gangster not him. Fuckin' lawn jockey. He's got the fly Hamptons house, Alec Baldwin comes over, Whitney Houston. What do I got? I sit in a fucking pork store for Christ's sake!

Christopher Moltisanti: [to Massive Genius] Hesh is the world's sweetest guy. But I've heard his opinions on giving back pieces of Israel. I can only imagine what he's gonna say about this shit.

Christopher Moltisanti: Hey, whose fuckin' welfare check you gotta cash to get a burger around here?

Christopher Moltisanti: Yo, hairnet central, what am I back here? Mark Fuhrman?
Adriana La Cerva: Chris, would you chill?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's fuckin' discrimination already!

Massive Genius: Bold men make bold statements.
Christopher Moltisanti: Why they send you over? I'm lookin' for a burger not converted rice.
Adriana La Cerva: Oh, Madon'.
Massive Genius: Your woman looks embarrassed.

Orange J: We're havin' a party at G's crib. Englewood Cliffs. You interested?
Christopher Moltisanti: And I get served with black-eyed peas tomorrow? Yo, I know what time it is.

Christopher Moltisanti: "Rent". Fuckin' Broadway musicals. I mean we're supposed to get all fuckin' weepy-eyed cause they turned off the heat in some guy's loft.

Christopher Moltisanti: What is he, nuts?


"The Sopranos: Pine Barrens (#3.11)" (2001)
Christopher Moltisanti: Russians? They're not all bad.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: How 'bout the Cuban Missile Crisis? Cocksuckers flew four nuclear missiles into Cuba, pointed them right at us.
Christopher Moltisanti: That was real? I saw that movie, I thought it was bullshit.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: C'mon, Chrissy. All the shit we been through, you really think I'd kill ya?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, I do.

[Paulie and Christopher botched a killing and are now stranded in the woods]
Christopher Moltisanti: For all we know, he could be out there stalking us.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: With what? His cock?

Christopher Moltisanti: We shoulda stopped at Roy Rogers.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Yeah and I shoulda fucked Dale Evans but I didn't.

Tony Soprano: [over the phone] It's a bad connection so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the fuck outta here.
Tony Soprano: Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's like a Russian green beret. He can not come back and tell this story. You understand?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I hear you.
[hangs up]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You're not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. Guy was an interior decorator.
Christopher Moltisanti: His house looked like shit.

[Christopher is urinating outside on Paulie's side of the van]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Ohhhh! Go do that by your own window! I don't wanna have to smell your piss all night!
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck you, Paulie.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What'd you say?
Christopher Moltisanti: You heard me.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Don't make me pull rank on you, kid!
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck you, Paulie! Captain or no captain, right now we're just two assholes lost in the woods.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: First place I'm hittin' is Denny's!
Christopher Moltisanti: I know. Get like 5 of those Grand Slam breakfasts.


"The Sopranos: 46 Long (#1.2)" (1999)
Christopher Moltisanti: Gimme one good reason I should not jack this truck.
Brendan Filone: Hey, don't feel bad. It's Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again.
Christopher Moltisanti: Taking that outrageous fuckin' tribute?
Brendan Filone: It's like, not only does he shit on our heads, we're supposed to say "Thanks for the hat".
Christopher Moltisanti: It's not like I'm getting somewheres playing by the rules. Fuck Tony.

Christopher Moltisanti: What about the dead guy?
Tony Soprano: You keep prodding him with a stick. You light a candle to St. Anthony. But I think you're fucked.

Christopher Moltisanti: You remember that Princess Di? You think the Royal Family, uh, had her whacked?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Heh, heh. Last time I take a fuckin' limo in Paris.
Christopher Moltisanti: Like you were ever in Paris, Paulie.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I went over for a blow job. Your mother was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower.
[to Silvio]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Sil, did you hear what I told him? Told him "I went over for a blow job. Your mother was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower."

Christopher Moltisanti: [to Martin Scorsese] Marty! "Kundun", I liked it!

Brendan Filone: Yo, money, we said we'd meet out front. You're not even dressed.
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm taking a pass.
Brendan Filone: What? It's Italian suits, Christopher!
Christopher Moltisanti: There was a time in my life when being with the Tony Soprano crew was all I ever dreamed of. So what am I doing?
Brendan Filone: Come on, it's five fifteen.
Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe one reason things are so fucked up in the organization these days is guys running off, not listening to middle management.
Brendan Filone: Fuck Tony. That's a quote.
Christopher Moltisanti: We have to stick together, why be in a crew? Why be a gangster?
Brendan Filone: Hey coach? Suck my dick.

Brendan Filone: So my boy at Comley... said there's a truckload of Italian suits.
Christopher Moltisanti: Those unload fast. Mario'll take the whole load.
Brendan Filone: He said shipment moves Thursday, six a.m.
Christopher Moltisanti: Give me one good reason I should not jack this truck!
Brendan Filone: Hey, don't feel bad, its Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again.
Christopher Moltisanti: Takin' that outrageous fuckin' tribute?
Brendan Filone: It's like not only does he shit on our heads, we're supposed to say thanks for the hat.
Christopher Moltisanti: It's not like I'm gettin' somewhere's playin' by the rules! Fuck Tony!
Brendan Filone: The books are closed... blow me.
Christopher Moltisanti: No, that's some true shit.
Brendan Filone: Come on, they're not confirmin' any new made guys, how come?
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' chaos! Nobody knows whose runnin' things anymore. Guys, they don't even know who to make payments up the ladder to in some cases. I'm talkin' about the year two thousand. The millenium. Where do we go from here?


"The Sopranos: Walk Like a Man (#6.17)" (2007)
Christopher Moltisanti: You ain't seen this many cops lined up since the centennial of Dunkin' Donuts.

Christopher Moltisanti: [raises glass] To business.
Paulie Walnuts: You're goin' to jinx me? Toast with water?
Christopher Moltisanti: Club soda. What's your problem?
Paulie Walnuts: You got the problem, my friend. You're a real fuckin' drip lately.
Christopher Moltisanti: When I was usin', I was a disgrace; now I'm sober, and I'm a drip. The fuck you want from me?
Paulie Walnuts: How's about bein' normal? That so fuckin' hard?
Christopher Moltisanti: Actually, yeah, Paulie, for some of us it is.
Paulie Walnuts: Don't get cunty, I'm breakin' your balls... What do ya say we take a ride? A little prime rib, on me.
Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe next time.
Paulie Walnuts: What are you watchin' your cholesterol now too?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah. Fuckin' hilarious.
[gets up and leaves]

Christopher Moltisanti: You know, and I know, they were there to boost that shit.
Paulie Walnuts: It couldn't wait, OK? I promised a load to Lenny down the Joint Fitter's Union.
Christopher Moltisanti: What do I give a fuck? It ain't my union!
Paulie Walnuts: Lower your voice, I got neighbors.
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck your neighbors! When are you gonna pay me?
Paulie Walnuts: When you suck the money out of my ass! Now get the fuck out!

Christopher Moltisanti: I look in her eyes, man, and she looks back at me...
Paulie Walnuts: How the fuck do I put myself up for adoption?
Christopher Moltisanti: What?
Paulie Walnuts: Nothin'. Go ahead.
Christopher Moltisanti: She ain't adopted Paulie.
Paulie Walnuts: I'm kiddin'. What were you sayin'?
Christopher Moltisanti: My point... What the fuck?... It's babies. They're the future. You realize by the time Caitlin's outta college it'll be like the year 2027 or somethin'.
Paulie Walnuts: She takes after you she won't be outta fourth grade by then. 'Course by that time she'll be workin' here so who gives a shit.

Christopher Moltisanti: My friends have abandoned me. I've been totally fuckin' ostra-fied.

Stan: [Talking privately in a stairway] your boss is your uncle?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah.
Stan: That's got to add to the source.
Christopher Moltisanti: [Referring to Tony] we used to be some pair.
Stan: you produce movies? the stress is already too high.
Christopher Moltisanti: I have a happy marriage but there was a woman she worked with us in a club we had, she became a problem that had to be dealt with and I sided with him, but he never really appreciated it give, give, give, it's all I ever do.I think that's where our relationship got poisoned.


"The Sopranos: The Strong, Silent Type (#4.10)" (2002)
Adriana La Cerva: [at Christopher's intervention] But when you killed Cosette, that was the last straw.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Killed the dog? What'd you do that for?
Christopher Moltisanti: It was an accident!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What, was it barking?

Silvio Dante: When I came to open up one morning, there you were with your head half in the toilet, your hair was in the toilet water... disgusting.
Christopher Moltisanti: I told you, I had the flu.
Silvio Dante: I said my peace, Chrissy...

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Christopher is harshly beaten] Does it hurt?
Christopher Moltisanti: They gave me some aspirin.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well enjoy it, cause it's the last fucking drug you're ever gonna take.
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm sorry, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Shut the fuck up and listen to me. You're my nephew, Christopher, and I love you. And that's the only reason you're alive right now. If it had been anybody else, anybody, they would have had that fuckin' intervention right through the back of their head. You and me, we're close. We've done a lot of things for eachother.
Christopher Moltisanti: A cop shot my father. I know what you're telling me. I'll never forget that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And this is how you repay me. I gotta worry if you're gonna flip over a nickel bag of white powder!
Christopher Moltisanti: No, Tony, never.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You lied to me. I told you you were the future of this family, I gave you that responsibilty and you looked me in the eye and you accepted it, and you were fucking high!
Christopher Moltisanti: [tearfully] Tony...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Shut up. Tomorrow you're gonna go with Patsy up to this rehab place in Pennsylvania. You're going in, you're staying in, you're gonna do every fucking session and you're gonna keep your mouth shut. Now if you need anything. Anything at all, Patsy's gonna be half a mile away from you in a motel. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you?
Christopher Moltisanti: [crying] Tony, I'm sorry! How'd I fucking get to this?

Christopher Moltisanti: [Referring to Tony during the intervention] There he goes "Mr. Type A" personality
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're here to talk about you killing yourself with drugs, not my fucking personality
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm going to kill myself? The way you fucking eat you're going to have a heart attack by the time your fifty

Dominic Palladino: [During Christopher's intervention] Christopher, this won't be easy for any of us I want you to know we're here today because we care about you all we ask is that you listen
Christopher Moltisanti: [to Adriana] was this your idea?
Dominic Palladino: [to Adriana] would you like to begin?
Adriana La Cerva: [to Christopher] I love you very much, my only dream is that we have a happy life together for the last few months things have gotten very bad because you're using drugs all the time, your high all the time and I can't take it
Dominic Palladino: [to Adriana] be specific.
Adriana La Cerva: When we first started going out we made love all the time now because of the drugs...
Christopher Moltisanti: Jesus, is this fucking necessary?
Dominic Palladino: [to Adriana] go ahead
Adriana La Cerva: You can no longer function as a man, last week when I came and found you killed our dog that was the final straw
Christopher Moltisanti: [Referring to the dog] I fell asleep, she got suffocated
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You killed little Cosette, I ought to suffocate you, you little prick
Dominic Palladino: Tony, we're going in order
Christopher Moltisanti: [after Silvio reads his statement] I told you I had the flu, I can't even defend myself now?
Dominic Palladino: No one's attacking you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, it doesn't change anything but I can verify he was sick for a little while, still this thing with the dog, how could you not see it on the chair?
Dominic Palladino: You're getting emotional tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's because I know what it's like to lose a pet!
Carmela Soprano: I happen to know you were high at my mother in law's wake, you were talking nonstop for twenty minutes, nothing but gibberish
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Shaking his head in disappointment] my mother's wake, Jesus Christ
Dominic Palladino: [after Paulie reads his statement] whoa, guys we said "non-judgmental"
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Fuck that, let him take his medicine
Christopher Moltisanti: Seriously Paulie, you want to talk about "being up"?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Watch it Chrissy
Christopher Moltisanti: What? I thought we're honest here, you got some balls you know that? All of you, you want to talk about "self-control", how about you Sil? Fucking every slut you got working for you when you got a wife and kid at home how about you Paulie? You remember last year in the woods with the Russian guy?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Christopher I am fucking warning you!


"The Sopranos: I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano (#1.13)" (1999)
Tony Soprano: Okay. I need to tell you something and I want you to hear it from me, not from some asshole on the street. About four, five months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was passing out, and they couldn't find nothing. She's been helping me with that... Okay, c'mon, give it to me. Give it to my face. C'mon.
Silvio Dante: Well, I'm sure you did it with complete discretion. And speaking for Pussy, if he's still alive, I'm sure he would agree.
Tony Soprano: Business was not discussed, no names were mentioned. Junior knows. He's decided to use it against me. Ask now. 'Cause we're not discussing this again.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's not the worst thing I ever heard. I was seeing a therapist myself about a year ago. I had some issues. Enough said. I learned some coping skills.
Silvio Dante: Look, this thing of ours, the way it's going, it'd be better if we could admit to each other these painful, stressful times. But it'll never fucking happen.
Tony Soprano: What about you? You got a problem with this?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's like marriage counseling?
Tony Soprano: Yeah. Like that. Sort of, yeah.

[Paulie and Christopher chase Mikey into the woods, until he finally twists his ankle and falls]
Mikey Palmice: Please, please, come on! No!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Fuckin' poison ivy all over me.
Christopher Moltisanti: My friend Brendan, you shot him in the bathtub, naked. No chance to run.
Mikey Palmice: I swear to god, it wasn't me! It was Junior! He fucking hated that kid!
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, right. It was Junior. Mr. Magoo!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Altieri's wake is tonight.
Christopher Moltisanti: I phoned in a bomb scare.
Silvio Dante: See, now that's over the top.

Jimmy Altieri: I got enough cologne on?
Christopher Moltisanti: You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Mingia, T. I'm sorry. Your own uncle.
Tony Soprano: Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He could strike first.
Christopher Moltisanti: And, this time, he won't use Boyz II Men.


"The Sopranos: The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti (#1.8)" (1999)
Christopher Moltisanti: [Christopher is annoyed that a bakery clerk is ignoring him and serving another customer] You touch a single fuckin' crust, you're gonna wish you took that job at McDonald's!

Christopher Moltisanti: You ever feel like nothin' good was ever gonna happen to you?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Yeah. And nothin' did. So what? I'm alive, I'm survivin'.
Christopher Moltisanti: That's it. I don't wanna just survive. It's says in these movie writing books that every character has an arc. Understand?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [shakes head]
Christopher Moltisanti: Like everybody starts out somewheres. and they do something, something gets done to them and it changes their life. That's called an arc. Where's my arc?

Counter Boy: You motherfucker! You shot my foot!
Christopher Moltisanti: [walking out] It happens.

Tony Soprano: [Tony gets into Christopher's car and punches his head in anger] What the fuck is wrong with you?
Christopher Moltisanti: Didn't Paulie tell you I haven't been feeling good?
Tony Soprano: I wipe my ass with your feelings.
Christopher Moltisanti: Thanks, thanks a lot
Tony Soprano: Drive the fucking car, we're under the microscope and I heard you shot some civilian in the foot because he made you wait for buns?
Christopher Moltisanti: Fucking Paulie
Tony Soprano: Don't blame fucking paulie, Makazian comes to me and tells me Nutley PD has got a description make and of the car, why don't you leave a fucking urine sample next time?
Christopher Moltisanti: If I could've...
Tony Soprano: [shouting] SHUT UP and Georgie comes into the club his got vomit all over his shirt I ask him what the fuck, he says your digging up somebody you clipped three months ago
Christopher Moltisanti: I was...
Tony Soprano: [shouting] SHUT UP, people that shit they want to get caught
Christopher Moltisanti: I want to get caught?
Tony Soprano: Yeah you want to get aught I've seen that before that's cowboy-itis you want to be a big bad guy Christopher?
Christopher Moltisanti: I was worried I didn't...
Tony Soprano: [shouting] SHUT UP
Christopher Moltisanti: Can I try and explain here? I don't know it's just the regularness of life it's just too hard for me or something I don't know
Tony Soprano: [Patting and rubbing Christopher's head] Look at you. I bet you're sleeping all the time right?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's the only thing I still enjoy. You know what I think? Maybe I have cancer, remember how Jackie got it?
Tony Soprano: Cancer?
Christopher Moltisanti: Something horrible is going on inside my body, there's a physical change or something
Tony Soprano: does this word cancer pop into your head a lot, or a little bit or what?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Confused] What?
Tony Soprano: I'm thinking maybe your depressed.
Christopher Moltisanti: Me? I'm no fucking "mental midget"
Tony Soprano: Right.


"The Sopranos: The Ride (#6.9)" (2006)
Viper: [after realizing Tony and Christopher robbed them of the wine they originally intended to steal] what the fuck?
Biker #1: Who the fuck are you guys?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Pointing a gun at them] that's who I am you lazy cock sucker
Viper: [Putting their hands up] whoa
Biker #1: [Putting their hands up] take it easy
Christopher Moltisanti: On the ground or I'll blow your greasy fucking heads off
Viper: You guys cops?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Sarcastically to Tony] how's your incision lieutenant?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly while continuing to load the wine into his SUV] 10-4
Viper: You're fucking with The Vipers here asshole
Christopher Moltisanti: [Sarcastically] oh, really? What's that? Your Girl Scout troop?
Biker #1: Look...
Christopher Moltisanti: SHUT UP, fucking douche bag
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after finishing loading the rest of the wine in his SUV and whispers to Christopher] let's go

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Celebrating in a restaurant after robbing bikers of their wine] how about that prick's face when he saw your gun?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Imitating one of the bikers] whoa, take it easy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Imitating one of the bikers] "we're with The Vipers
Christopher Moltisanti: How's that wine? Good?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It really is, I've got to say
Christopher Moltisanti: [Referring to the biker] I've got to tell you, when he pulled the trigger I almost shit myself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Slowly sipping the wine]
Christopher Moltisanti: I'll be honest, I miss it sometimes: the wine
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You should make a toast at your wedding, at least
Christopher Moltisanti: It takes disciple, set limits for myself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Pouring Christopher some wine] you know, in Italy they consider wine food?
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [They toast to each other] Solute
Christopher Moltisanti: Solute

Christopher Moltisanti: You think about the shit we've been through? The shit we've done? We're like the three Musketeers
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We've got a bond, that's very special
Christopher Moltisanti: You saved my life: in a lot of ways
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I know you've been there for me too, don't think I don't know that
Christopher Moltisanti: There were times that were hard for the both of us, I didn't understand
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You were young and stubborn
Christopher Moltisanti: You always had my back though
Christopher Moltisanti: I love you Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I love you too

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Talking privately in Tony's basement] what's wrong? What's the matter?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Genuinely reminding him] you know I've always been loyal to you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What'd are trying to tell me?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Shamefully crying] I can't even say it... Adriana
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What about her?
Christopher Moltisanti: The Feds
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus fucking Christ, how fucking long?
Christopher Moltisanti: A year, I don't know exactly
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When'd you find out?
Christopher Moltisanti: She just told me last night
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What they know? What'd she give them?
Christopher Moltisanti: I don't know, I think a lot
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony rips his shirt open to check for a wire] how could you even think that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Forcefully grabbing him] where is she? Where the fuck is she?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Nervously] She's home
Christopher Moltisanti: [Sensing Tony wants him to kill Adriana and pleading] I can't, Tony, please don't make me do it
Christopher Moltisanti: [Crying and hugging him] I can't do it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Looking directly in his eyes] I'll take care of it, go upstairs and go out the back door. Don't talk to Carmela, go somewhere and get some coffee, you wait until I call you, it'll be OK, I'll take care of it, now go


"The Sopranos: For All Debts Public and Private (#4.1)" (2002)
Christopher Moltisanti: So, you're telling me you didn't take cash from Jilly Ruffalo, to kill my father?
Detective Lieutenant Barry Haydu: I never even heard of Jilly Ruffalo.
Christopher Moltisanti: [points a gun at him] Oh, really?
Detective Lieutenant Barry Haydu: Look, whoever told you this, is setting you up. He's lying.
Christopher Moltisanti: Well, either way, it wouldn't make any difference.
Detective Lieutenant Barry Haydu: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?
Christopher Moltisanti: Because, he wants you dead.

Christopher Moltisanti: Of course Tony can count on me! When the fuck have I not been there for him 100%?
[shoots heroin into his foot]

Adriana La Cerva: Is Tony still actin' all mean?
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' asshole. Ever since I questioned his judgment on some Ralphie/Jackie Jr. problem. Like he's fuckin' infallible, pope Tony the 23rd or some shit.


"The Sopranos: Fortunate Son (#3.3)" (2001)
Adriana La Cerva: I love you Christopher.
Christopher Moltisanti: [while shaving] You better!

Tony Soprano: [to Christopher and Eugene during their making ceremony] you know why we're here, if you have any or reservations now is the time to say so, no one will think less of you this family comes before anything else EVERYTHING before your wife and your children and your mother and your father it's a thing of honor and God forbid you get sick and something happens to you and you can't earn we'll take care of you because that's part of it
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: If you have a problem you just have to let somebody know
[turns to tony this man right here]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: his like your father it doesn't matter if it's somebody here or the outside you bring it to him and he'll solve it for you
Tony Soprano: You stay within the family, give me your hand
[tony takes a needle from Paulie and pricks a finger from Christopher and Eugene]
Tony Soprano: that's St. Peter, my family's saint as that card burns so may your soul burn in hell if you betray your friends in your family
[puts the burning St. Peter card in Christopher and Eugene's hands]
Tony Soprano: now rub your hands like this and repeat after me: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends
Christopher Moltisanti: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends
Eugene Pontecorvo: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends
Tony Soprano: Congratulations
[everyone applauses]

Christopher Moltisanti: [Talking to each at other in the restaurant] my heart's still pounding
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You're doing real good year with the sports book
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah it's been good
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I'm going to give it to you, it's yours
Christopher Moltisanti: I was wondering when it was going to be
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: The only thing is: there's a 6 grand minimum every week. I've got to get something out of this, but 6 grand, that can be a lot or a little, it all depends on you and how much business you bring in
Christopher Moltisanti: I love you Paulie, we're in it together now
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I love you too kid


"The Sopranos: Long Term Parking (#5.12)" (2004)
Christopher Moltisanti: [Explaining to Tony and Silvio why he's late] The highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive!

[referring to Adrianna's health]
Tony Soprano: Are you still feeling sick, Hon?
Christopher Moltisanti: Please! They've gotta replace her colon with a semi-colon.

Christopher Moltisanti: That's the guy, Adriana. My uncle Tony. The guy I'm going to Hell for.


"The Sopranos: Kennedy and Heidi (#6.18)" (2007)
Christopher Moltisanti: Frankly, Tone, I'm thinking maybe we should meet Phil's number.
Tony Soprano: Why? I think that would set a terrible precedent right now. Just bend over? When he just became boss of the family over there?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, well, that's the flying ointment. Even still, I say let him have it. Life's too short.
Tony Soprano: It's also too short to live it as a fuckin' lackey.
Christopher Moltisanti: True, too.

Christopher Moltisanti: Well, regarding Phil, I gotta ask. Whatever happened to "stop and smell the roses"?
Tony Soprano: You're right, you're right. You can't fight every fucking battle, right? Asbestos.
[laughs]
Tony Soprano: Each day's a gift.
Christopher Moltisanti: Every time I look at my kid, that's what I realize.
Tony Soprano: And that shit with Junior? Please. It's just that people like Phil, they're not on that page. They'll take those roses and stick 'em up your ass, thorns first.

Christopher Moltisanti: [SPOILER, his last words, to Tony] , call me a taxi, I'll never pass a drug test.


"The Sopranos: Members Only (#6.1)" (2006)
Tony Soprano: What you lose a little weight?
Agent Dwight Harris: Ah...
Vito Spatafore: You look good. Atkins, right?
Agent Dwight Harris: I caught a parasite over there. Doctors don't know what it is.
Christopher Moltisanti: What do they eat, tabooli?
Agent Dwight Harris: Actually that's why I'm here. I been dyin' for a Satriale's veal parm hero.
[walks in]
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck him. I hope that parasite eats his asshole out.
Tony Soprano: [shrugs] Kinda feel bad for the guy.

Christopher Moltisanti: You ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
[everyone laughs]
Tony Soprano: You're gonna make that same stupid joke every time that comes up?


"The Sopranos: Irregular Around the Margins (#5.5)" (2004)
[to Tony Soprano]
Christopher: You'd fuck a catcher's mit!

Christopher: What do you got to be stressed about? That bar?
Adriana La Cerva: War, Christopher? The Middle East?
Christopher: You don't listen to the president? We're gonna mop the floor with the whole fuckin' world; the whole world's gonna be under our control, so what are worked up about?


"The Sopranos: Second Opinion (#3.7)" (2001)
[Chrissy catches Paulie sniffing Adriana's panties]
Christopher Moltisanti: [angry] Motherfucker!
Adriana La Cerva: What?
Christopher Moltisanti: Nothing.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [after playing pool] are you wearing a wire?
Christopher Moltisanti: Are you fucking crazy?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [to Patsy] pat him down
Christopher Moltisanti: If he fucking touches me...
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Then make it easy on us all, take everything off.
Christopher Moltisanti: [Christopher takes off his pants]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [Referring to his underwear] I said "everything"
Christopher Moltisanti: Go fuck yourself
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Before I was breaking balls now you're beginning to worry me
Christopher Moltisanti: [Christopher takes off his underwear]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I guess you can call that a dick
[laughs]


"The Sopranos: No Show (#4.2)" (2002)
[famous 'last words']
Christopher Moltisanti: This is my Goodbye Party with heroin.

Christopher Moltisanti: [singing from inside his car as he pulls up to the guys at the no-work construction site] If I were a carpenter and you were a douche-bag...


"The Sopranos: D-Girl (#2.7)" (2000)
Christopher Moltisanti: [talking about Jon Favreau] "Swingers"! He can suck my dick! It swings, too!

Christopher Moltisanti: [Telling and Amy and Jon a story] This made guy has the most discriminating eye when it comes to T&A, so his at a club one night and there's girls all over him and one of them has a really nice body and she's horny as hell, so they step outside and walk over to a playground and starts blowing him on the swing set. When he's about shoot his load, he starts feeling inside her skirt and reaches in and grabs a hold of a God damn "prick".


"The Sopranos: Whoever Did This (#4.9)" (2002)
Christopher Moltisanti: [on Ralph] That poor fucking guy.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Fuck him and his alligator tears.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Please, his kid's in a hospital, a little fucking sympathy!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: That gives him a pass? I don't care if he's got a hundred kids in the hospital with arrows in their heads, he's a piece of shit! You know it, and I know it.

Christopher Moltisanti: [grabs hold of Ralph's hair and it comes clean off - it's a wig he's been wearing all along to hide his baldness] Aahh! Holy shit! I had no idea. Did you?
Tony Soprano: Course I did. You're so high on scag, you wouldn't know if he had your mother's muff on his head.


"The Sopranos: The Weight (#4.4)" (2002)
Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe Vesuvio's is bugged and it's Feds who told Johnny.
Silvio Dante: What, conspiracy theories now?
Christopher Moltisanti: Why not? Play captains against each other, create a little dysentery among the ranks?
Tony Soprano: First of all, the place is swiped for bugs twice a month. Second, there are much more interesting things being said at that place than Ginny Sack's fat ass!

Tony Soprano: Twenty years I've been friends with John, now his got to go
Christopher Moltisanti: All over a stupid joke
Ralph Cifaretto: [to Silvo, Christopher and Tony] I was fucking around for Christ's sake you never made a joke about Ginny Sack?
Silvio Dante: Of course not
Silvio Dante: No, never
Christopher Moltisanti: Not like that
Ralph Cifaretto: Yeah, well fuck him and his high polluting bullshit who does he think he is? Sir Walter Raleigh?
Tony Soprano: That's enough of you and your stupid fucking remarks, go back to Miami and play volleyball or whatever the fuck it is you do down there while we clean up your fucking mess, maybe keep your ass alive


"The Sopranos: Nobody Knows Anything (#1.11)" (1999)
Christopher Moltisanti: Why the fuck would Pussy run? I mean, the guy's outta breath liftin' his dick up to take a leak.


"The Sopranos: Do Not Resuscitate (#2.2)" (2000)
Protester: We want to talk to your foreman.
Christopher Moltisanti: You want to talk to the foreskin?
Protester: You're a wise- ass motherfucker.
Christopher Moltisanti: Well keep your mother off the streets then I won't fuck her.


"The Sopranos: Mayham (#6.3)" (2006)
A.J. Soprano: [In the hospital] what's up?
Christopher Moltisanti: You were at South Mountain Arena yesterday trying to buy a gun from that asshole that works in the snack stand?
A.J. Soprano: Who told you that?
Christopher Moltisanti: We know how you feel but you can't do this.
A.J. Soprano: I can't believe you know this, who told you this?
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: If my father was laying in there shot I'd be thinking the same thing.
Christopher Moltisanti: But you can't go this.
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, well why the fuck not?
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Listen to me, I'm your uncle Junior's in federal lock up, no one's getting to him in there.
A.J. Soprano: It's difficult but not impossible.
Christopher Moltisanti: Trust me your dad does not want you to get involved
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: You've got to channel that rage elsewhere, like golden gloves
Christopher Moltisanti: Dumb bells or some shit, fuck your girlfriend more


"The Sopranos: Funhouse (#2.13)" (2000)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: In a few weeks, we're gonna be opening up the books, again. I'm gonna propose you for membership. Congratulations.
Christopher Moltisanti: I earned it, too. Got no spleen, Gene.


"The Sopranos: Watching Too Much Television (#4.7)" (2002)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's a great girl, you don't want to lose this one
Silvio Dante: T's right, you could have more kids than the Kennedys, if you're married to some twat what good is it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You've got to have balance in a relationship
Christopher Moltisanti: I know all that, what if the kid thing never happens?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Come on, medicine today, technology
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: This isn't about Ade or anyone else, stay single as long as you can
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you saying?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: But marriage and our thing don't jive
Silvio Dante: Everybody we know is married
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Not everybody
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want to end up like my Uncle Junior?
Silvio Dante: Or worse, Paulie?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Exactly
Christopher Moltisanti: Alright I've got to think about it


"The Sopranos: Mr. & Mrs. John Sacrimoni Request (#6.5)" (2006)
Phil Leotardo: [after Johnny Sack bursts into tears after being arrested by the FBI in front of everyone] I'll tell you this, my estimation about John Sacrimoni as a man, just fucking plummeted.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Give him a break, will ya? It's an emotional day.
Phil Leotardo: To cry like a woman? It's a fucking disgrace!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's fucking coach turned into a pumpkin.
Phil Leotardo: Even Cinderella didn't cry!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, when it comes to daughters, all bets are off. I've seen tougher guys than John cry at weddings.
Phil Leotardo: OK, but let me ask you this: if they can make him cry, and if he's that weak, what the fuck else can they make him do?
Christopher Moltisanti: I gotta agree with Phil, Tone.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [angrily] Oh you do, do ya?
Wedding Guest: Terrible out there, huh?
Phil Leotardo: He's an emotional man. LOVES his daughter.


"The Sopranos: University (#3.6)" (2001)
Ralphie Cifaretto: Oh one nod, not even a hello?
Tracee: Fuck you, asshole.
Ralphie Cifaretto: Oh that's very nice. That's how you talk to a man in front of his friends?
Tracee: Yeah, right. What man?
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh a double!
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: You tell him, sweety!
Gigi Cestone: [clapping] I like this girl!
Ralphie Cifaretto: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why wasn't I born hansome instead of rich?


"The Sopranos: Rat Pack (#5.2)" (2004)
Christopher Moltisanti: [to Adriana] Hey, you got change? I'm fucking sliding this stupid bill in and out of the cigarette machine for like an hour.
Tina Francesco: [suggestively] An hour? I bet you can go longer than that!
Christopher Moltisanti: Listen to you! Why do you always talk like a whore?
Tina Francesco: 'Cause men like it!
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah?
[pauses, looks her over]
Christopher Moltisanti: Think you're right about that.


"The Sopranos: Pie-o-My (#4.5)" (2002)
Adriana La Cerva: I'm just worried about you, Christopher. I love you so much.
Christopher Moltisanti: So if you love me, stir my eggs, okay?
[aside]
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh, we're having Sunday dinner at Tony's, and you're coming. I don't care if your mother's dying!


"The Sopranos: College (#1.5)" (1999)
[Christopher calls Tony from a phone booth, while it's raining]
Tony Soprano: What do you got?
Christopher Moltisanti: Wet shoes.
Tony Soprano: You chose this life. You don't want to work in the rain, try for the fucking Yankees.


"The Sopranos: From Where to Eternity (#2.9)" (2000)
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm going to hell, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're not going anywheres but home.
Christopher Moltisanti: I crossed over to the other side.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You what?
Christopher Moltisanti: I saw the tunnel. And the white light. I saw my father in hell.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the fuck outta here!
Christopher Moltisanti: And the bouncer said that I'd be there, too, when my time comes.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What bouncer?
Christopher Moltisanti: The Emerald Piper. That's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day every day forever.


"The Sopranos: Join the Club (#6.2)" (2006)
Christopher Moltisanti: [to Agent Harris] What about that disease you picked up over there in Diarrhea-stan or wherever the fuck you were?


"The Sopranos: Luxury Lounge (#6.7)" (2006)
Christopher Moltisanti: [about Hollywood] Ben Kingsley passed. Made some contacts. Plus we got to see Lindsay Lohan - total piece of ass.


"The Sopranos: In Camelot (#5.7)" (2004)
J.T. Dolan: What the fuck is this, "Pulp Fiction"?
Little Paulie Germani: I don't know, haven't seen it.
J.T. Dolan: What, am I supposed to be afraid? What could you possibly do that I haven't already been through?
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm positive we'll figure something out.


"The Sopranos: Full Leather Jacket (#2.8)" (2000)
Christopher Moltisanti: Adriana, I want you to marry me. I got you a ring, and everything...
[shows her the ring]
Liz La Cerva: There was a robbery at Tiffany's, this morning! I bet you there's pieces of broken glass in it!


"The Sopranos: Meadowlands (#1.4)" (1999)
Christopher Moltisanti: This is "Scarface", final scene, bazookas under each arm, "say hello to my little friend!"
Silvio Dante: Always with the scenarios.


"The Sopranos: Stage 5 (#6.14)" (2007)
Christopher Moltisanti: [to J.T. Dolan referring to the movie Cleaver they wrote that has similarities to aspects of Tony's life ] It was an idea, I don't know, who knows where they fuckin' come from? Isaac Newton invented gravity 'cause some asshole hit him with an apple!


"The Sopranos: Big Girls Don't Cry (#2.5)" (2000)
Writing coach: Welcome. Why don't you tell the group something about yourself?
Christopher Moltisanti: My name is Chris Maceviti. I work on Wall Street. Not on Wall Street, but you know, stocks.
Writing coach: You write?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah... I want to write for the movies. "Goodfellas", shit like that.
Writing coach: Any special reason you chose this class?
Christopher Moltisanti: I didn't. It's a birthday present from my girlfriend. I had some problems with my screenplay so, I bought that book, "how to write a movie in 21 days". That was like a year ago.


"The Sopranos: Live Free or Die (#6.6)" (2006)
Carlo Gervasi: [Asking Finn what he saw Vito was doing with the security guard] ,"catching" not "pitching"?
Finn Detrolio: [Nods] his not going to know I told you?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You're going to have no problem from Vito, believe me
Finn Detrolio: [Nervously] what are you going to do?
Christopher Moltisanti: It'll be ok, we'll get him into therapy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Giving Finn money] why don't you go out front get yourself a sandwich and a soda, any kind you like when we're done here somebody will drive you back
[Finn takes the money and leaves]
Christopher Moltisanti: [laughing] I want to kill the fat fagot myself it'd be a fucking honor cut off his pishadeel and feed it to him
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to everybody] there's no mistake now
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [Yelling] I can't believe I stuck up for him I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: We can't have him in our social club anymore that much I do know
Carlo Gervasi: "Social club"? He's got to go
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I want to think about it
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I don't know
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [Stands up yelling] what the fuck is there to think about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to paulie] sit down
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [Yelling] fuck that I'll say it again, what the fuck is there to think about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Yelling] are you going to take care of his kids? When his gone?
Christopher Moltisanti: That's true, they didn't do anything poor little guys
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [to tony] I'm sorry if I yelled it's just how much betrayal can I take?
Christopher Moltisanti: Vito a fag, big construction tycoon, when he was always talking about "greasing the union who knew that's what he meant?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to everybody] this stays in these four walls


"The Sopranos: The Knight in White Satin Armor (#2.12)" (2000)
Christopher Moltisanti: [to Furio as they're dismembering Richie's body in the butcher shop] It's going to be a while before I eat anything from Satriale's.


"The Sopranos: Toodle-Fucking-Oo (#2.3)" (2000)
Christopher Moltisanti: [Walking up to Richie and Tony as they're at the sitting at the table in the front of Satriale's] Jesus Christ, how're you doing? Your brother was like a fucking god, great leader! I also heard a lot about you.
Richie Aprile: Yeah, and I heard a lot about you. That's why I'm here.
Christopher Moltisanti: What do you mean?
Richie Aprile: [referring to Tony] Out of respect for our friend here, I'm gonna talk nice. You ever raise your hand to my niece again, next time you won't see my face. You understand?
Christopher Moltisanti: Who says I raised a hand to her?
Richie Aprile: [to Tony] This kid getting jerky with me?
[Tony Soprano shakes his head]
Richie Aprile: Look kid, I shouldn't have to explain myself. I'm from the old-school. You wanna raise your hand, you give her your last name. Then it's none of my fuckin' business. Until then, keep your hands in your pockets. We understand each other?