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Christopher Moltisanti (Character)
from "The Sopranos" (1999)

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"The Sopranos: A Hit Is a Hit (#1.10)" (1999)

Christopher Moltisanti: That's guy a gangster? I'm a gangster! I'm an O.G. Original Gangster not him. Fuckin' lawn jockey. He's got the fly Hamptons house, Alec Baldwin comes over, Whitney Houston. What do I got? I sit in a fucking pork store for Christ's sake!

Christopher Moltisanti: [to Massive Genius] Hesh is the world's sweetest guy. But I've heard his opinions on giving back pieces of Israel. I can only imagine what he's gonna say about this shit.

Christopher Moltisanti: Hey, whose fuckin' welfare check you gotta cash to get a burger around here?

Christopher Moltisanti: Yo, hairnet central, what am I back here? Mark Fuhrman?
Adriana La Cerva: Chris, would you chill?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's fuckin' discrimination already!

Massive Genius: Bold men make bold statements.
Christopher Moltisanti: Why they send you over? I'm lookin' for a burger not converted rice.
Adriana La Cerva: Oh, Madon'.
Massive Genius: Your woman looks embarrassed.

Orange J: We're havin' a party at G's crib. Englewood Cliffs. You interested?
Christopher Moltisanti: And I get served with black-eyed peas tomorrow? Yo, I know what time it is.

Christopher Moltisanti: "Rent". Fuckin' Broadway musicals. I mean we're supposed to get all fuckin' weepy-eyed cause they turned off the heat in some guy's loft.

Christopher Moltisanti: What is he, nuts?

"The Sopranos: 46 Long (#1.2)" (1999)

Christopher Moltisanti: Gimme one good reason I should not jack this truck.
Brendan Filone: Hey, don't feel bad. It's Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again.
Christopher Moltisanti: Taking that outrageous fuckin' tribute?
Brendan Filone: It's like, not only does he shit on our heads, we're supposed to say "Thanks for the hat".
Christopher Moltisanti: It's not like I'm getting somewheres playing by the rules. Fuck Tony.

Christopher Moltisanti: What about the dead guy?
Tony Soprano: You keep prodding him with a stick. You light a candle to St. Anthony. But I think you're fucked.

Christopher Moltisanti: You remember that Princess Di? You think the Royal Family, uh, had her whacked?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Heh, heh. Last time I take a fuckin' limo in Paris.
Christopher Moltisanti: Like you were ever in Paris, Paulie.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I went over for a blow job. Your mother was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower.
[to Silvio]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Sil, did you hear what I told him? Told him "I went over for a blow job. Your mother was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower."

Christopher Moltisanti: [to Martin Scorsese] Marty! "Kundun", I liked it!

Brendan Filone: Yo, money, we said we'd meet out front. You're not even dressed.
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm taking a pass.
Brendan Filone: What? It's Italian suits, Christopher!
Christopher Moltisanti: There was a time in my life when being with the Tony Soprano crew was all I ever dreamed of. So what am I doing?
Brendan Filone: Come on, it's five fifteen.
Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe one reason things are so fucked up in the organization these days is guys running off, not listening to middle management.
Brendan Filone: Fuck Tony. That's a quote.
Christopher Moltisanti: We have to stick together, why be in a crew? Why be a gangster?
Brendan Filone: Hey coach? Suck my dick.

Brendan Filone: So my boy at Comley... said there's a truckload of Italian suits.
Christopher Moltisanti: Those unload fast. Mario'll take the whole load.
Brendan Filone: He said shipment moves Thursday, six a.m.
Christopher Moltisanti: Give me one good reason I should not jack this truck!
Brendan Filone: Hey, don't feel bad, its Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again.
Christopher Moltisanti: Takin' that outrageous fuckin' tribute?
Brendan Filone: It's like not only does he shit on our heads, we're supposed to say thanks for the hat.
Christopher Moltisanti: It's not like I'm gettin' somewhere's playin' by the rules! Fuck Tony!
Brendan Filone: The books are closed... blow me.
Christopher Moltisanti: No, that's some true shit.
Brendan Filone: Come on, they're not confirmin' any new made guys, how come?
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' chaos! Nobody knows whose runnin' things anymore. Guys, they don't even know who to make payments up the ladder to in some cases. I'm talkin' about the year two thousand. The millenium. Where do we go from here?

"The Sopranos: Pine Barrens (#3.11)" (2001)

Christopher Moltisanti: Russians? They're not all bad.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: How 'bout the Cuban Missile Crisis? Cocksuckers flew four nuclear missiles into Cuba, pointed them right at us.
Christopher Moltisanti: That was real? I saw that movie, I thought it was bullshit.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: C'mon, Chrissy. All the shit we been through, you really think I'd kill ya?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, I do.

[Paulie and Christopher botched a killing and are now stranded in the woods]
Christopher Moltisanti: For all we know, he could be out there stalking us.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: With what? His cock?

Christopher Moltisanti: We shoulda stopped at Roy Rogers.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Yeah and I shoulda fucked Dale Evans but I didn't.

Tony Soprano: [over the phone] It's a bad connection so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the fuck outta here.
Tony Soprano: Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's like a Russian green beret. He can not come back and tell this story. You understand?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I hear you.
[hangs up]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You're not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. Guy was an interior decorator.
Christopher Moltisanti: His house looked like shit.

[Christopher is urinating outside on Paulie's side of the van]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Ohhhh! Go do that by your own window! I don't wanna have to smell your piss all night!
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck you, Paulie.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What'd you say?
Christopher Moltisanti: You heard me.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Don't make me pull rank on you, kid!
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck you, Paulie! Captain or no captain, right now we're just two assholes lost in the woods.

"The Sopranos: I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano (#1.13)" (1999)

Tony Soprano: Okay. I need to tell you something and I want you to hear it from me, not from some asshole on the street. About four, five months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was passing out, and they couldn't find nothing. She's been helping me with that... Okay, c'mon, give it to me. Give it to my face. C'mon.
Silvio Dante: Well, I'm sure you did it with complete discretion. And speaking for Pussy, if he's still alive, I'm sure he would agree.
Tony Soprano: Business was not discussed, no names were mentioned. Junior knows. He's decided to use it against me. Ask now. 'Cause we're not discussing this again.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's not the worst thing I ever heard. I was seeing a therapist myself about a year ago. I had some issues. Enough said. I learned some coping skills.
Silvio Dante: Look, this thing of ours, the way it's going, it'd be better if we could admit to each other these painful, stressful times. But it'll never fucking happen.
Tony Soprano: What about you? You got a problem with this?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's like marriage counseling?
Tony Soprano: Yeah. Like that. Sort of, yeah.

[Paulie and Christopher chase Mikey into the woods, until he finally twists his ankle and falls]
Mikey Palmice: Please, please, come on! No!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Fuckin' poison ivy all over me.
Christopher Moltisanti: My friend Brendan, you shot him in the bathtub, naked. No chance to run.
Mikey Palmice: I swear to god, it wasn't me! It was Junior! He fucking hated that kid!
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, right. It was Junior. Mr. Magoo!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Altieri's wake is tonight.
Christopher Moltisanti: I phoned in a bomb scare.
Christopher Moltisanti: See, now that's over the top.

Jimmy Altieri: I got enough cologne on?
Christopher Moltisanti: You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Mingia, T. I'm sorry. Your own uncle.
Tony Soprano: Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He could strike first.
Christopher Moltisanti: And, this time, he won't use Boyz II Men.

"The Sopranos: Walk Like a Man (#6.17)" (2007)

Christopher Moltisanti: You ain't seen this many cops lined up since the centennial of Dunkin' Donuts.

Christopher Moltisanti: [raises glass] To business.
Paulie Walnuts: You're goin' to jinx me? Toast with water?
Christopher Moltisanti: Club soda. What's your problem?
Paulie Walnuts: You got the problem, my friend. You're a real fuckin' drip lately.
Christopher Moltisanti: When I was usin', I was a disgrace; now I'm sober, and I'm a drip. The fuck you want from me?
Paulie Walnuts: How's about bein' normal? That so fuckin' hard?
Christopher Moltisanti: Actually, yeah, Paulie, for some of us it is.
Paulie Walnuts: Don't get cunty, I'm breakin' your balls... What do ya say we take a ride? A little prime rib, on me.
Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe next time.
Paulie Walnuts: What are you watchin' your cholesterol now too?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah. Fuckin' hilarious.
[gets up and leaves]

Christopher Moltisanti: You know, and I know, they were there to boost that shit.
Paulie Walnuts: It couldn't wait, OK? I promised a load to Lenny down the Joint Fitter's Union.
Christopher Moltisanti: What do I give a fuck? It ain't my union!
Paulie Walnuts: Lower your voice, I got neighbors.
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck your neighbors! When are you gonna pay me?
Paulie Walnuts: When you suck the money out of my ass! Now get the fuck out!

Christopher Moltisanti: I look in her eyes, man, and she looks back at me...
Paulie Walnuts: How the fuck do I put myself up for adoption?
Christopher Moltisanti: What?
Paulie Walnuts: Nothin'. Go ahead.
Christopher Moltisanti: She ain't adopted Paulie.
Paulie Walnuts: I'm kiddin'. What were you sayin'?
Christopher Moltisanti: My point... What the fuck?... It's babies. They're the future. You realize by the time Caitlin's outta college it'll be like the year 2027 or somethin'.
Paulie Walnuts: She takes after you she won't be outta fourth grade by then. 'Course by that time she'll be workin' here so who gives a shit.

Christopher Moltisanti: My friends have abandoned me. I've been totally fuckin' ostra-fied.

"The Sopranos: The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti (#1.8)" (1999)

Christopher Moltisanti: [Christopher is annoyed that a bakery clerk is ignoring him and serving another customer] You touch a single fuckin' crust, you're gonna wish you took that job at McDonald's!

Christopher Moltisanti: You ever feel like nothin' good was ever gonna happen to you?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Yeah. And nothin' did. So what? I'm alive, I'm survivin'.
Christopher Moltisanti: That's it. I don't wanna just survive. It's says in these movie writing books that every character has an arc. Understand?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [shakes head]
Christopher Moltisanti: Like everybody starts out somewheres. and they do something, something gets done to them and it changes their life. That's called an arc. Where's my arc?

Tony Soprano: Look at you.
[rubs Chris' head]
Tony Soprano: I bet you're sleeping all the time, right?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's the only thing I still enjoy.

Counter Boy: You motherfucker! You shot my foot!
Christopher Moltisanti: [walking out] It happens.

"The Sopranos: For All Debts Public and Private (#4.1)" (2002)

Christopher Moltisanti: So, you're telling me you didn't take cash from Jilly Ruffalo, to kill my father?
Detective Lieutenant Barry Haydu: I never even heard of Jilly Ruffalo.
Christopher Moltisanti: [points a gun at him] Oh, really?
Detective Lieutenant Barry Haydu: Look, whoever told you this, is setting you up. He's lying.
Christopher Moltisanti: Well, either way, it wouldn't make any difference.
Detective Lieutenant Barry Haydu: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE?
Christopher Moltisanti: Because, he wants you dead.

Christopher Moltisanti: Of course Tony can count on me! When the fuck have I not been there for him 100%?
[shoots heroin into his foot]

Adriana La Cerva: Is Tony still actin' all mean?
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuckin' asshole. Ever since I questioned his judgment on some Ralphie/Jackie Jr. problem. Like he's fuckin' infallible, pope Tony the 23rd or some shit.

"The Sopranos: Members Only (#6.1)" (2006)

Tony Soprano: What you lose a little weight?
Agent Dwight Harris: Ah...
Vito Spatafore: You look good. Atkins, right?
Agent Dwight Harris: I caught a parasite over there. Doctors don't know what it is.
Christopher Moltisanti: What do they eat, tabooli?
Agent Dwight Harris: Actually that's why I'm here. I been dyin' for a Satriale's veal parm hero.
[walks in]
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck him. I hope that parasite eats his asshole out.
Tony Soprano: [shrugs] Kinda feel bad for the guy.

Christopher Moltisanti: You ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
[everyone laughs]
Tony Soprano: You're gonna make that same stupid joke every time that comes up?

"The Sopranos: Long Term Parking (#5.12)" (2004)

Christopher Moltisanti: [Explaining to Tony and Silvio why he's late] The highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive!

[referring to Adrianna's health]
Tony Soprano: Are you still feeling sick, Hon?
Christopher Moltisanti: Please! They've gotta replace her colon with a semi-colon.

"The Sopranos: Irregular Around the Margins (#5.5)" (2004)

[to Tony Soprano]
Christopher: You'd fuck a catcher's mit!

Christopher: What do you got to be stressed about? That bar?
Adriana La Cerva: War, Christopher? The Middle East?
Christopher: You don't listen to the president? We're gonna mop the floor with the whole fuckin' world; the whole world's gonna be under our control, so what are worked up about?

"The Sopranos: Kennedy and Heidi (#6.18)" (2007)

Christopher Moltisanti: Frankly, Tone, I'm thinking maybe we should meet Phil's number.
Tony Soprano: Why? I think that would set a terrible precedent right now. Just bend over? When he just became boss of the family over there?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, well, that's the flying ointment. Even still, I say let him have it. Life's too short.
Tony Soprano: It's also too short to live it as a fuckin' lackey.
Christopher Moltisanti: True, too.

Christopher Moltisanti: Well, regarding Phil, I gotta ask. Whatever happened to "stop and smell the roses"?
Tony Soprano: You're right, you're right. You can't fight every fucking battle, right? Asbestos.
[laughs]
Tony Soprano: Each day's a gift.
Christopher Moltisanti: Every time I look at my kid, that's what I realize.
Tony Soprano: And that shit with Junior? Please. It's just that people like Phil, they're not on that page. They'll take those roses and stick 'em up your ass, thorns first.

"The Sopranos: Nobody Knows Anything (#1.11)" (1999)

Christopher Moltisanti: Why the fuck would Pussy run? I mean, the guy's outta breath liftin' his dick up to take a leak.

"The Sopranos: Funhouse (#2.13)" (2000)

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: In a few weeks, we're gonna be opening up the books, again. I'm gonna propose you for membership. Congratulations.
Christopher Moltisanti: I earned it, too. Got no spleen, Gene.

"The Sopranos: Rat Pack (#5.2)" (2004)

Christopher Moltisanti: [to Adriana] Hey, you got change? I'm fucking sliding this stupid bill in and out of the cigarette machine for like an hour.
Tina Francesco: [suggestively] An hour? I bet you can go longer than that!
Christopher Moltisanti: Listen to you! Why do you always talk like a whore?
Tina Francesco: 'Cause men like it!
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah?
[pauses, looks her over]
Christopher Moltisanti: Think you're right about that.

"The Sopranos: Pie-o-My (#4.5)" (2002)

Adriana La Cerva: I'm just worried about you, Christopher. I love you so much.
Christopher Moltisanti: So if you love me, stir my eggs, okay?
[aside]
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh, we're having Sunday dinner at Tony's, and you're coming. I don't care if your mother's dying!

"The Sopranos: College (#1.5)" (1999)

[Christopher calls Tony from a phone booth, while it's raining]
Tony Soprano: What do you got?
Christopher Moltisanti: Wet shoes.
Tony Soprano: You chose this life. You don't want to work in the rain, try for the fucking Yankees.

"The Sopranos: From Where to Eternity (#2.9)" (2000)

Christopher Moltisanti: I'm going to hell, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're not going anywheres but home.
Christopher Moltisanti: I crossed over to the other side.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You what?
Christopher Moltisanti: I saw the tunnel. And the white light. I saw my father in hell.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the fuck outta here!
Christopher Moltisanti: And the bouncer said that I'd be there, too, when my time comes.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What bouncer?
Christopher Moltisanti: The Emerald Piper. That's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day every day forever.

"The Sopranos: Join the Club (#6.2)" (2006)

Christopher Moltisanti: [to Agent Harris] What about that disease you picked up over there in Diarrhea-stan or wherever the fuck you were?

"The Sopranos: Luxury Lounge (#6.7)" (2006)

Christopher Moltisanti: [about Hollywood] Ben Kingsley passed. Made some contacts. Plus we got to see Lindsay Lohan - total piece of ass.

"The Sopranos: In Camelot (#5.7)" (2004)

J.T. Dolan: What the fuck is this, "Pulp Fiction"?
Little Paulie Germani: I don't know, haven't seen it.
J.T. Dolan: What, am I supposed to be afraid? What could you possibly do that I haven't already been through?
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm positive we'll figure something out.

"The Sopranos: Fortunate Son (#3.3)" (2001)

Adriana La Cerva: I love you, Chris.
Christopher Moltisanti: You better!

"The Sopranos: The Strong, Silent Type (#4.10)" (2002)

Adriana La Cerva: [at Christopher's intervention] But when you killed Cosette, that was the last straw.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Killed the dog? What'd you do that for?
Christopher Moltisanti: It was an accident!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What, was it barking?

"The Sopranos: Full Leather Jacket (#2.8)" (2000)

Christopher Moltisanti: Adriana, I want you to marry me. I got you a ring, and everything...
[shows her the ring]
Liz La Cerva: There was a robbery at Tiffany's, this morning! I bet you there's pieces of broken glass in it!

"The Sopranos: Meadowlands (#1.4)" (1999)

Christopher Moltisanti: This is "Scarface", final scene, bazookas under each arm, "say hello to my little friend!"
Silvio Dante: Always with the scenarios.

"The Sopranos: Stage 5 (#6.14)" (2007)

Christopher Moltisanti: It was an idea, I don't know, who knows where they fuckin' come from? Isaac Newton invented gravity 'cause some asshole hit him with an apple!

"The Sopranos: No Show (#4.2)" (2002)

[famous 'last words']
Christopher Moltisanti: This is my Goodbye Party with heroin.

"The Sopranos: Big Girls Don't Cry (#2.5)" (2000)

Writing coach: Welcome. Why don't you tell the group something about yourself?
Christopher Moltisanti: My name is Chris Maceviti. I work on Wall Street. Not on Wall Street, but you know, stocks.
Writing coach: You write?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah... I want to write for the movies. "Goodfellas", shit like that.
Writing coach: Any special reason you chose this class?
Christopher Moltisanti: I didn't. It's a birthday present from my girlfriend. I had some problems with my screenplay so, I bought that book, "how to write a movie in 21 days". That was like a year ago.

"The Sopranos: D-Girl (#2.7)" (2000)

Christopher Moltisanti: [talking about Jon Favreau] "Swingers"! He can suck my dick! It swings, too!

"The Sopranos: The Weight (#4.4)" (2002)

Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe Vesuvio's is bugged and it's Feds who told Johnny.
Silvio Dante: What, conspiracy theories now?
Christopher Moltisanti: Why not? Play captains against each other, create a little dysentery among the ranks?
Tony Soprano: First of all, the place is swiped for bugs twice a month. Second, there are much more interesting things being said at that place than Ginny Sack's fat ass!