Tony Soprano
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Quotes for
Tony Soprano (Character)
from "The Sopranos" (1999)

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"The Sopranos: Made in America (#6.21)" (2007)
Tony Soprano: [in a nursing home] You don't know who I am, do ya?... You remember Johnny? Johnny Boy, your kid brother?... This thing of ours?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: I was involved in that?
Tony Soprano: Yeah. You and my Dad. You two ran North Jersey.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: We did?
Tony Soprano: Yeah.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Hm. Well, that's nice.

Tony Soprano: [after Rhiannon leaves] Wouldn't kick her outta bed for purgin' cookies.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [talking privately on two table in out front of Satriale's] I'm no spring chicken no more. I don't wanna have me dyin' on you and leavin' ya worse off than before.
Tony Soprano: Oh, you with the dead thing! Ya got the arms and upper body of a 20-year-old.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I gotta work at that. And I had the prostate.
Tony Soprano: Alright, sure. Go ahead. I'm a little miffled but yeah, sit with it.

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [talking privately on two tables in out front of Satriale's] Tone, I never told this to another livin' soul but...
Tony Soprano: Yeah?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: One time at the Bing, I was alone to meet Eddie Lind. I saw the Virgin Mary.
Tony Soprano: Why didn't you say somethin'? Fuck strippers, we coulda had a shrine. Sold holy water in gallon jugs. Coulda made millions.

Tony Soprano: [in a high class restaurant] You said you wanted to be a lawyer for black people.
Meadow Soprano: Oh, that's all I said? Really? What I said was "The state can crush the individual."
Tony Soprano: New Jersey?
Meadow Soprano: The government. Specifically, the federal government.
Tony Soprano: And what about little babies? They face, uh, meningitis.
Meadow Soprano: You know what really turned me? Seeing the way Italians are treated. It's like Mom says. And if we can have our rights trampled like that, imagine what it's like for recent arrivals.
Tony Soprano: Well...
Meadow Soprano: If I hadn't seen you dragged away all those times by the FBI, then I'd probably be a boring suburban doctor.

Carmela Soprano: [about A.J] Oh, I didn't tell you. He spent $200 on a set of CDs that teach Arabic.
Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ, c'mon! Shish-kabob. What else do ya need to know?

[In the safe house]
Anthony Maffei: [Hands Tony an envelope] Right now it's light
Tony Soprano: This situation ain't all bad haven't a green vegetable in over a week
Benny Fazio: Can't even go down to the pork store got to hang around here doing nothing
Anthony Maffei: [Tony gives the cat some food] who's he belong to?
Benny Fazio: He just showed up during the big storm
Tony Soprano: He caught a mouse down in the cellar
Patsy Parisi: A lot of my customers are giving their action to New York
Carlo Gervasi: Power vacuum their taking advantage
Dante Greco: [Walden comes in the front door and greco draws his gun] what the fuck are you coming that way for?
Walden Belfiore: Sorry I forgot
Carlo Gervasi: We're going to meet Paulie down at the hospital and visit Sil you want to come?
Tony Soprano: No, I got some shit I have to do, my daughter
[Tony picks up his assault rifle leaves the room and goes upstairs]
Benny Fazio: Yesterday was his gout

Tony Soprano: [Final scene] Tony enters the restaurant and sits down
Carmela Soprano: [Carmela enters the restaurant and sits down the song "Don't Stop Believin' by Journey starts playing] Hey
Tony Soprano: Hey
Carmela Soprano: [Reading the menu] What looks good tonight?
Tony Soprano: I don't know, where's the gagootz?
Carmela Soprano: He just called his on his way, Mead's coming separately she had to go to the doctor
[Tony looks up]
Carmela Soprano: switch birth control
[Tony nods]
Carmela Soprano: you talk to Mink again?
Tony Soprano: It's Carlo, he's going to testify
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [AJ enters the restaurant and sits down] onion rings
Tony Soprano: Best in the state as far as I'm concerned
Carmela Soprano: [Waitress brings them their drinks] How was work today?
Tony Soprano: It's an entry level job so bug up
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: right, focus on the good times
Tony Soprano: Don't be sarcastic
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Isn't that what you said one time? Try to remember the times that were good?
Tony Soprano: I did?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Yeah
Tony Soprano: Well, it's true, I guess
Tony Soprano: [the waitress brings a bowl of onion rings to the table] I went ahead and ordered some for the table

Tony Soprano: [Meeting privately in a car] I thought you weren't coming
Agent Dwight Harris: You don't want to know
Tony Soprano: Actually I do
Agent Dwight Harris: We had Intel that a Sulafa cell was at Newark Airport boarding some man into a 767 to London
Tony Soprano: Your right I don't want to know
Agent Dwight Harris: We get this all the time our source was either wrong or it done to study our response time
Tony Soprano: It happens all the time?
Agent Dwight Harris: What's up my friend?
Tony Soprano: My kid is obsessed with this shit his making a molar out of this, is he right?
Agent Dwight Harris: [Harris' cell phone rings and answers it] Hey, probably another hour just leave it out I'll heat it up then don't leave it out, what do you want me to say?
[hangs up]
Tony Soprano: You got tough enough of a job with this terrorism shit I'll let you get home, the reason I called is because those two Arabs that turned you onto when I happened to remember my nephew mentioned a bank that they had an account a branch Demeter Merchant Bank
Agent Dwight Harris: You just remembered that?
Tony Soprano: Yeah
Agent Dwight Harris: Thanks
Tony Soprano: I know you that friend in the Brooklyn office is it possible he knows where Phil Leotardo is? I want to avoid any more of my guys getting hurt
[Harris chuckles]
Tony Soprano: I'm just saying if you heard anything from your pal
Agent Dwight Harris: I haven't
Tony Soprano: I figured money sent to the Middle East
Agent Dwight Harris: You're overreaching
[Tony leaves]

Carmela Soprano: [in their safe house, to Meadow as she leaves] See you Thursday
Meadow Soprano: [kisses and hugs Tony] Hi
Tony Soprano: [to Meadow] Where you going I just got here
Meadow Soprano: I'm really late meeting Patrick in the city,
Carmela Soprano: She smelled that odor too
Tony Soprano: your remodeling will fix all that
Carmela Soprano: Maybe it's toxic maybe we shouldn't be breathing it
Tony Soprano: It's not toxic, the odor is what? 90 years old? Its piss
Carmela Soprano: I've got to get home
Tony Soprano: I'm working on it
Carmela Soprano: I went to see Sil and Gab,oh my God
Tony Soprano: Yeah
Carmela Soprano: [Watching walk AJ walk Rhiannon to the door] Are you being careful? This kind of bothers me
Tony Soprano: What's she going to do? She should use the back door, wouldn't kick her out of bed for purging cookies
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Real funny, we're just friends
Tony Soprano: I know, nice work
Carmela Soprano: She's a model
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: She's doing some modeling, she's a junior in high school
Carmela Soprano: What?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: She's quitting modeling anyway she's tired of being exploited
Tony Soprano: Did you help your mother take the carpets outside? Put them in the sun?
Carmela Soprano: He did
Tony Soprano: Uncle Bobby's funeral is finally set, Thursday we're going to be there
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: How's that supposed to work? We're all in DEFCON 4, living in separate houses, we're going to stand out in the open at a cemetery?
Carmela Soprano: There's always a large FBI presence

Tony Soprano: [on the back patio in her new mansion] You want a pastry?
Janice Soprano: I need to watch my weight, snag another husband, you're the only one that realizes that's a joke, that joke you made about me giving guys head under the boardwalk
Tony Soprano: He took it so seriously, Bobby
Janice Soprano: Anyway thank you for being here
Tony Soprano: What happens now?
Janice Soprano: Well, Robert already said he wants to go live with aunt
Tony Soprano: What about Sophia?
Janice Soprano: Nica is my daughter she's very much into her older sister, Sophia's out of her mind if she thinks she's getting out of this house
Tony Soprano: Is that a joke? Because that even got by me, in five or six years ago when Johnny Sack bought this house this was all corn fields
Janice Soprano: I'd like to give it a shot with Bobby's kids, Bobby would want it, I put in a lot of effort with Sophia, baking together, I actually think we have a bond, I had therapy, I'm a good mother I put Ma and all her warped shit behind me
Tony Soprano: Good, maybe you can a form a new nuclear family, bring Harpo down here, it's a big place
Janice Soprano: Harpo changed his name, I's Hal now
Tony Soprano: If you need anything you know I'm minutes away
[Tony stands up and leaves]

Agent Dwight Harris: [Over a cell phone in a motel room] Multiple calls traced to a pay phone in Oyster Bay Long Island
Tony Soprano: [over a cell phone, standing next to his van] What? Where's the pay phone exactly?
Agent Dwight Harris: Gas station most likely
Tony Soprano: Gas station?
Tony Soprano: His lamed out he might not be able to put his hands on a clean phone
Tony Soprano: Alright, listen, thanks

Tony Soprano: [in their safe house] How many fucking times I've told you it's an SUV watch where you park off road the Cadillac converter and the dry vegetation
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: I didn't see the leaves
Tony Soprano: [shouting at AJ] You can grill fucking steaks on that converter, I told you!
Carmela Soprano: If there was children playing in those leaves, you'd run them over?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [confused] I guess?
Tony Soprano: You're going to get cute now?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: I was just answering her question
Meadow Soprano: [trying to defend AJ] Dad, he wasn't being funny
Tony Soprano: You mind your own God damn business, unless you want some of this too
Meadow Soprano: [Meadow leaves the room] Mr. Fat mouth
Tony Soprano: [shouting to Meadow] What'd you say?
Carmela Soprano: What was going through your mind?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: What do you want from me? I am depressed, I'm supposed to be looking for piles of leaves?
Tony Soprano: You want to get depressed? Thirty thousand dollars for that car
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Isn't that what we have insurance for?
Carmela Soprano: Excuse me? You're not getting another one
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Actually that's good it'll force me to take the bus
Carmela Soprano: What?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: We have to break our dependence on foreign oil

George Pagilieri: [FBI wiretap recording from an undercover FBI van] Cafe Napoli
Tony Soprano: George, its Anthony
George Pagilieri: Your fucking ears must be ringing I just left your friend, the son crying the blues over the situation between you and that outfit over there
Tony Soprano: That's why I'm calling I need you to reach out to the "little guy"
George Pagilieri: His not happy with Phil neither
Tony Soprano: I know, you're not a part of that family, your basically retired, everybody trusts you, what I'm thinking you supply a location, guarantee everybody's safety
George Pagilieri: I could do that
George Pagilieri: [At a secret sit down meeting in closed construction warehouse]
George Pagilieri: Anybody want a water? The guys are already here, they've been patted down too
Butch DeConcini: We started it? We got a dead comare in Queens and her old Ukrainian father
Tony Soprano: I'm not even going to blame Phil, John Sacrimoni my friend I'm sorry to say was an insecure guy, he created a constant tension within his family which spilled over, go ahead Carmine George was good enough to broker this meeting for us? You just going to sit there?
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: It didn't have to be this way
Butch DeConcini: We agree it's got too far, Phil's changed, you got my word we'll back off
Tony Soprano: My price is you help us get a location on Phil
Butch DeConcini: I can't go there, but you do what you gotta do
Tony Soprano: One more thing, you hit my brother in law
Butch DeConcini: So?
Tony Soprano: This is my sister we're talking about, she's got to see something out of this
Butch DeConcini: We'll come up with a number?
[They all shake hands and leave]

Uncle Pat: [Referring to Janice,in the back of the Bada Bing strip club at Tony's desk ] She was inveigling him, she's after his money, you're not even curious about him?
Tony Soprano: [Referring to Junior] He can fucking rot

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [over his cell phone, inside the Bada Bing strip club after business hours] I had a meeting down here with Carlo this morning we're supposed to see Butch and them on a couple of items, Carlo didn't show and he don't answer his phone neither
Tony Soprano: [over his cell phone at home] What are you thinking?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: That maybe we were had that this Butch has taken out another ranking guy
Tony Soprano: What if he flipped?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Who? Carlo?
Tony Soprano: Well? You there?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: His kid the imbecile
Tony Soprano: Jason?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Patsy told me he got picked up yesterday for selling Ecstasy

Donna Parisi: [in the living room of the Soprano home] A man took his horse to a vet and the vet says to him, "Why do you have a long face?"
Patsy Parisi: The horse asks, there's no vet.
Donna Parisi: Right, a horse goes to a vet and the vet looks at his face and says to him, "My friend."
Patsy Parisi: A horse goes to the doctor, the doctor asks, "Why the long face?" She can't tell jokes
Tony Soprano: Speaking of jokers, where's that other son of yours today?
Donna Parisi: I didn't think he was invited.
Carmela Soprano: I just think with all the wedding talk.
Tony Soprano: That pal of his, the other Jason I heard he ran into some trouble, Carlo's Jason.
Donna Parisi: He's a mess.
Patsy Parisi: Alright.
Tony Soprano: Well, he's got no shortage of lawyers here, only this one here would only take the case for free.
[referring to Meadow]
Patrick Parisi: That's why we want her there at Groupman, Groupman and Kerseyo, actually Med and I had some conversations and we may still snag her at the firm when she's done with law school.
Carmela Soprano: No kidding?
Meadow Soprano: We went out to dinner Steven Groupman and the subject came up.
Patrick Parisi: Steven was very impressed with her work at the Law Center, even got into starting salaries, he was talking one seventy.
Tony Soprano: Jesus, sweetheart that's fantastic.
Meadow Soprano: He hadn't had too much to drink.
Patrick Parisi: Don't devalue yourself, we've got a really interesting case right now we're defending James Trofolio the County Commissioner and those corruption charges.
Donna Parisi: [to Patrick] is that your case?
Patrick Parisi: He's got bag men, whores it's fascinating.

Walden Belfiore: [Paulie walks into the main room in Satriale's and sees the cat staring at the photo of Christopher] yeah, he does that all the time, sometimes he spends most of the day just staring at his picture you know their funny that way, I had an aunt her cat would only sit at exact corners of the table staring out or the intersection of two walls staring in
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: The fuck? This animal is history today, pick him up
Walden Belfiore: You pick him up
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [Tony enters the room] T, you see this shit?
[Referring to the cat]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: he says he does it all time
Tony Soprano: [Referring to the cat] Oh yeah? Leave him, his a good guy
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Look at him staring at that dead kid, it gives me the fucking creeps
Tony Soprano: [to Walden] give us some privacy
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [to Walden] what the fuck kind of name is that for an Italian?
Walden Belfiore: I was named after Mr. Bobby Darin, Walden Robert Cassotto
[Walden picks up the cat and leaves]
Tony Soprano: The Cifaretto crew, it's like a Chinese fire drill over there, especially now Carlo's absent
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I know
Tony Soprano: I want you to skipper that thing
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Really?
Tony Soprano: Fucking thing is like one big ATM machine, it's all in construction with New York, it falls right into your kick
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Yeah
Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ I thought you'd be pleased I didn't just hand you a diagnosis of the clap
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: With all due respect I'd just like to mellow it a little

Tony Soprano: [Seeing AJ jogging on the road on the side of a small mountain while driving his SUV] Get in, that's good activity, you can already see a difference
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Yeah
Tony Soprano: I'm going to get back at it myself
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: I'm going to join the army
Tony Soprano: What? Did you sign any shit?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: No, but this week I will I've got to deal with Rhiannon first
Tony Soprano: Rhiannon? What about your mother?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Her too
Tony Soprano: Are you nuts? You want to get sent to Iraq?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Afghanistan, the army's probably good for my career
Tony Soprano: You don't have a career
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Right, my ultimate goal is to qualify for helicopter pilot training afterwards work for Trump or somebody, be their personal pilot
Tony Soprano: I'm not even going to tell your mother about this, and don't you do nothing until we've another chance to talk you hear me?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Yes

Tony Soprano: [in Dr. her office] I've got to be frank you people got him out of his room, great so he could be Cannon fodder ?
Dr. Doherty: I wasn't aware of his latest plan
Tony Soprano: On the other hand he can benefit from the training, the discipline
Carmela Soprano: Maybe the army would be great for him, if there wasn't a war going on, he used to veg in front of that TV
Dr. Doherty: He says he wants to get past the hate focus it only on the terrorists I really can't reveal much more
Tony Soprano: Right, even though we're paying, this whole therapy thing I've got to tell you
Dr. Doherty: What
Tony Soprano: My mother was a borderline personality, so what? I don't know if you knew that
Dr. Doherty: No
Tony Soprano: I did not have a very happy childhood
Dr. Doherty: No?
Tony Soprano: There was very little love in the house
Dr. Doherty: His mentioned your mother very briefly
Tony Soprano: She was a very difficult woman, undermining I tried to place her in a retirement community for her own good, she turned on me completely, I could never please my mother

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: [Tony walks up to Uncle Junior in the nursing home] Hello
Tony Soprano: You don't recognize me?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: We used to play catch
Tony Soprano: You don't remember you shot me? I'm Anthony, Johnny's son
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: The fuck you want? A boot in the rear?
Tony Soprano: Uncle Pat came to see me about Janice, about your money
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: People keep asking me, I don't know there's a man from another galaxy that came here
Tony Soprano: That's your accountant
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: I'm confused
Tony Soprano: Any money should go to Bobby Baccala's kids and Janice might not do that but Bobby was with us, Bobby was a made guy, it wouldn't be right
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Me? I never had kids
Tony Soprano: You remember where your stash is you let uncle Pat know and as head of the family I'll hold onto it as a guardian for Bobby's kids
Tony Soprano: You remember Bobby?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Sure
Tony Soprano: [With teary eyes] You don't know who I am, do you?

Carmela Soprano: [in the backyard of their home] Holsten's is the consensus
Tony Soprano: Alright I've got to see some people, I'll meet you there

Neil Mink: [in the back of the Bada Bing strip club at Tony's desk] Somebody's giving grand jury testimony on something
Tony Soprano: So Carlo has flipped
Neil Mink: We don't know but subpoenas are flying my hunch is eighty to ninety percent chance you'll be indicted, fucking gun charge I get sick when I think of it plus interstate fraud and if Carlo starts talking homicide, it's not like we haven't envisioned this day?
Tony Soprano: No, it's not
Neil Mink: Trials are there to be won

Carmela Soprano: [on the family dinner table in their home] As your parents we feel joining the army is in your best interest
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: This country is in a crisis
Carmela Soprano: How can one soldier stop it?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: When my enlistment is up, I could join the CIA or something and with a military background I'd have "a leg up" and as an Arabic speaker I'd be very useful
Tony Soprano: [Sarcastically] I don't understand your going to ask Donald for some time off from your pilot job to go on CIA missions?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Everything's a joke to you
Tony Soprano: I'm not having a good time
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Did you or did you not want me to go to military school?
Carmela Soprano: At least you would've come out an officer, even then I was oppose to it, I hate this idea
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: I'm applying for officers' candidate school I want to be a liaison officer with the local population
Carmela Soprano: Officers' candidate school? You have terrible grades you flunked out of college
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Here we go, that's all this is about right?
Carmela Soprano: No Anthony this is not what it's about, you don't want to go to college, then don't go to college but don't get your legs blown off
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [dismissively] Always with the drama
Tony Soprano: What's your girlfriend say? The fashion model?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: She doesn't think I should go either

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [talking privately on two tables in out front of Satriale's, turning down Tony's offer of a promotion] with all due respect and I mean that from the bottom of my heart I'm going to pass
Tony Soprano: I don't fucking believe this, why?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Every guy that ran that crew died prematurely
Tony Soprano: Oh come on
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I beat cancer once you got no idea what that does to you
Tony Soprano: Yeah I know
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Richie Aprile, Ralphie, M.I.A, Vito and who knows with Carlo and Gigi
Tony Soprano: Gigi died taking a shit
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Doesn't mean it's not part of an overall pattern
Tony Soprano: You're going to die yourself you should leave a "package" to leave your niece who has MS, it's like your bullshit with the cat the fucking animal catches mice for us and you'd drown it
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I would
Tony Soprano: His not looking at Christopher a rat died back in the wall or some shit
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I moved the picture, the fucking thing came to the new spot and stared
Tony Soprano: The abstract shapes or something, I'll tell you this, since Christopher's death my gambling luck's turned a one eighty
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Oh, it's fine for you to believe that shit but I can't worry about a jinx? I tell you something from my heart and you laugh it off?
Tony Soprano: I'm not saying there's nothing out there for you but not live your life? What are you going to do? Alright you don't want the job? Then you don't want the job I could put Patsy in there his going to be a part of my family now, it'll be good
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Prick, you always know what to say to me don't you?
Tony Soprano: I'm serious
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I live but to serve you my liege

Meadow Soprano: [in a high class restaurant] To what do I owe this chance to go sake bombing?
Tony Soprano: We used to have dinner all the time now you're getting married my chances are flying by, so your brother, our little soldier boy what do you think is wrong with the gagootz?
Meadow Soprano: The world is a sad fucked up place

Carmela Soprano: [to AJ, on the family dinner table in their home] Not that long ago you talked about owning a club
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Right, you had a problem with that too
Carmela Soprano: A lot of your friends are in film school especially the ones you used to go to clubs with
Tony Soprano: got this screenplay from Danny Baldwin we met at your cousin's movie, Danny hoped I could set him up with some financing and I never read it
Carmela Soprano: You did now
Tony Soprano: Yeah I did now, long story short it's about a private detective that gets sucked into the internet through his data port and his got to solve some murders of some virtual prostitutes
Carmela Soprano: I read it, it's scary
Tony Soprano: The point is I talked to Little Carmine and his interested in developing it through his company
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: He makes porn
Tony Soprano: He made Cleaver, his branching out
Carmela Soprano: You would work for his producer Inga you would be "development executive" on this project
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Really? What's this got to do with clubs?
Carmela Soprano: Hollywood, gossip columns, the night spots
Tony Soprano: And you get some real world experience under the belt you come see me and then we'll talk about me investing in a club, run that past Rhiannon and see what she says


"The Sopranos: 46 Long (#1.2)" (1999)
Mikey Palmice: Your nephew, what's he... retarded? He likes to play with trucks or something?
Tony Soprano: Retarded? What if Jerry Lewis heard you talkin' like that?
Mikey Palmice: No, that's muscular dystrophy, Tone.
Tony Soprano: It's too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckface-itis, huh? They find a cure yet?

Christopher Moltisanti: What about the dead guy?
Tony Soprano: You keep prodding him with a stick. You light a candle to St. Anthony. But I think you're fucked.

[about DVD players]
Tony Soprano: I hear there's not as many titles available as on laser.
Brendan Filone: You know, there's more coming, though.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: My internist told me the picture's not that different from laser either, Tone.
Brendan Filone: But the sound, way improved.
Tony Soprano: Good. 'Cause nothing beats popping up some Orville Redenbacher's and listening to "Men in Black".

[Christopher hijacked a truck full of DVD players]
Junior Soprano: For 21 fuckin' years Comley's been putting food on my table, protection money.
Tony Soprano: Hey, Chris didn't know going in.
Junior Soprano: Bullshit.
Tony Soprano: You want my DVD player? You can watch "Grumpy Old Men".
Junior Soprano: You gonna be a fuckin' funny boy too now, huh?

Tony Soprano: [to Christopher] You leave Comley Trucking and every other fucking item on this planet that belongs to my uncle Junior, including his hemorrhoid donut, the fuck alone.

Tony Soprano: [to Livia's Trinidadian caretaker] Listen, let's get one thing straight. In the hours you're here taking care of my mother, no ganja. OK?

Jackie Aprile: I may be acting boss while the old man's a guest of the government but I wish somebody would tell my bowels 'cause they don't obey. And the fuckin' chemo... Maybe I should name a successor.
Tony Soprano: This day and age? Who wants the fuckin' job?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [about Livia] She could need a change in her living situation, be around more people.
Tony Soprano: Well, we were looking at Green Grove.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's a beautiful facility. It's more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.
Tony Soprano: Yeah. But to her it's a nursing home.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, she needs to be made to see the distinction. That in fact, she's embarking on a rewarding chapter. I know seniors who are inspired. And inspiring.

Tony Soprano: You listen to me now. Before you do any more serious damage to yourself or your grandchildren's inheritance, you're gonna stop living alone, right now.
Livia Soprano: I'm not going to that nursing home.
Tony Soprano: Green Grove is a retirement community! And it's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!
Livia Soprano: Who's he?
Tony Soprano: A captain that owns luxury hotels or something, I don't know. That's not the point. The point is, I talked to Mrs. DiCaprio over there and she says she's got a corner suite available with a woods view. It's available now, but it's gonna go fast.
Livia Soprano: Of course it's available, somebody died!
Tony Soprano: Oh, Ma, you gotta stop! You gotta stop with this black poison cloud all the time! 'Cause I can't take it anymore!
Livia Soprano: Oh, poor you!
Tony Soprano: You know, I got problems at work, I got problems at home, I got a friend whose been diagnosed with cancer. Most parents would be grateful if their yuppie children put as much thought into this as I did.
Livia Soprano: I'm not going to that place.
Tony Soprano: Then I will go to court and I will get a durable power of attorney over you and I will place you there.
Livia Soprano: Then kill me now. Go on now, go into the ham, and take the carving knife and stab me, here, here, now, please! It would hurt me less than what you just said.
Tony Soprano: You know, I know seniors that are inspired!

Tony Soprano: You know, you got a reputation for immaturity, and its not gonna be improved by not paying the tributes the acting boss demands of you.
Brendan Filone: Acting boss my ass Tone. Come on, everybody knows you really run things since Jackie became the "Kemo Sabe."

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [That retirement community is] more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [later repeating it to his mother] It's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!
Livia Soprano: Who's he?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The Captain owns luxury hotels or something. I don't know! That's not the point!


"The Sopranos: Pilot (#1.1)" (1999)
Tony Soprano: Carmela, something I gotta confess.
Tony Soprano: [sees Carmela moving her wine glass] What are you doin'?
Carmela Soprano: Getting my wine in position to throw in your damn face!
Tony Soprano: You're always with the drama, you.
Carmela Soprano: Go ahead and confess already, please! Get it over with!
Tony Soprano: [covers his face] I'm on Prozac.
Carmela Soprano: Oh - Oh my God.
Tony Soprano: I've been seeing a therapist.
Carmela Soprano: [gasps] Oh my God! I think that's great! I think that's so wonderful! I think that's so gutsy!
Tony Soprano: Alright, take it easy.
Carmela Soprano: I just think that's very, very wonderful!
Tony Soprano: You would think I was Hannibal Lecter before or something.

Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin: I hear Junior wants to whack Pussy Bonpensiero.
Tony Soprano: Pussy Malanga.
Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin: Oh, Little Pussy.
Tony Soprano: Yeah, Little Pussy. You think he's going to fuck with Big Pussy? My Pussy?

Tony Soprano: Let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!

Tony Soprano: I gotta be honest with you. I'm not getting any satisfaction from my work either.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why?
Tony Soprano: Well, because of RICO.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is he your brother?
Tony Soprano: No. The RICO statutes?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Oh.
[chuckles]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course, right.

[Dr. Melfi gets out her prescription pad]
Tony Soprano: Here we go. Here comes the Prozac!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you have any qualms about how you actually make a living?
Tony Soprano: Yeah. I find I have to be the sad clown: laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

[Tony after informing Carmella he's on Prozac warns her to keep it secret]
Tony Soprano: I'm serious. The wrong person finds out about this and I get a steel-jacketed anti-depressant right in the back of the head!

Tony Soprano: It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that and I know. But lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over.

Tony Soprano: Had some good times. Had some good years?
Carmela Soprano: Here he goes now with the nostalgia.
Tony Soprano: Hey, all I'm saying is no marriage is perfect.
Carmela Soprano: Well, having that comare on the side helps.
Tony Soprano: I told you I'm not seeing her anymore. How do you think I feel, having that priest around all the time?
Carmela Soprano: Don't even go there, alright? Father is a spiritual mentor. He's helping me to be a better Catholic.
Tony Soprano: Yeah, well we all got different needs.
Carmela Soprano: What's different between you and me is you're going to Hell when you die!

Tony Soprano: [Seeing Dr. Melfi's diploma] Melfi. What part of the boot you from, hon?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [objecting to how he addressed her] Dr. Melfi.
[pause]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: My father's people were from Caserta.
Tony Soprano: [referring to himself] Avellino. My mother would have loved it if you and I got together.


"The Sopranos: I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano (#1.13)" (1999)
Tony Soprano: Okay. I need to tell you something and I want you to hear it from me, not from some asshole on the street. About four, five months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was passing out, and they couldn't find nothing. She's been helping me with that... Okay, c'mon, give it to me. Give it to my face. C'mon.
Silvio Dante: Well, I'm sure you did it with complete discretion. And speaking for Pussy, if he's still alive, I'm sure he would agree.
Tony Soprano: Business was not discussed, no names were mentioned. Junior knows. He's decided to use it against me. Ask now. 'Cause we're not discussing this again.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's not the worst thing I ever heard. I was seeing a therapist myself about a year ago. I had some issues. Enough said. I learned some coping skills.
Silvio Dante: Look, this thing of ours, the way it's going, it'd be better if we could admit to each other these painful, stressful times. But it'll never fucking happen.
Tony Soprano: What about you? You got a problem with this?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's like marriage counseling?
Tony Soprano: Yeah. Like that. Sort of, yeah.

Tony Soprano: I didn't touch your place, Artie. I swear on my mother.

[Tony urges Dr. Melfi to get out of town for a while]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I have patients who are suicidal!
Tony Soprano: Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.

[Tony describes a dream he had about Jean Cusamano]
Tony Soprano: I'm doing her doggy-style, and I finish, you know. And her big ass is... look, we don't have time for this shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's interesting that you would say a big ass, 'cause Jean is quite slender.
Tony Soprano: We've got bigger things to talk about than Jean Cusamano's ass.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Like feelings of worthlessness sparked by your mother's plot to have you killed?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Mingia, T. I'm sorry. Your own uncle.
Tony Soprano: Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He could strike first.
Christopher Moltisanti: And, this time, he won't use Boyz II Men.

Tony Soprano: Uncle Junior and I, we had our problems with the Business. But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Isn't it interesting how this memory loss cropped up right after you failed to be killed in the carjacking? You think it was a carjacking?
Tony Soprano: Of course not, but I got an idea who was behind it. Enough said. You don't want to go there.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you don't want to go there.
Tony Soprano: What are you talking about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, let's track it. Right around the time of the shooting, you were having hallucinations of that Isabella figure. The protective, loving mother. Your subconscience was shouting something at you. On the day before the shooting, you said to me that she kept going on yet again about news stories of mothers throwing their babies out of windows.
Tony Soprano: Why don't we put our fuckin' cards on the table here. What do you think, my mother tried to have me whacked 'cuz I put her in a nursing home?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's been a long odyssey with your mother, hasn't it?
Tony Soprano: Oh, these last 500 years just seemed to race by.

Meadow Soprano: Dad, give it up. We're not gonna make it to aunt patty's. Dad, hello. We're not gonna make it to aunt patty's.
Tony Soprano: Why did i buy a goddamn off road vehicle?
A.J. Soprano: To waste petrochemical resources?

Tony Soprano: [putting his hands around his mother's throat while she's sedated] Ma. I know what you did, Ma. Your only son. Your middle child.
EMT: Look she can't answer you, her speech side has been affected.
Tony Soprano: Yeah, my ass! I heard the tapes, Ma. The fucking FBI tapes, don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about!
EMT: Sir!
Tony Soprano: George Clooney, don't get in the fucking middle of this!
Ms. Giaculo: Alonzo, call security!
Tony Soprano: [to Livia] Uncle June is in jail now. And I got one more little last detail I gotta take care of!
Ms. Giaculo: Mr. Soprano!
Tony Soprano: I gotta tell ya, I don't die that fucking easy, Ma! I'm gonna live a nice long happy life, which is more than I can say for you!
EMT: Alright that's enough!
Tony Soprano: Yeah?
[Tony knocks the man to the floor and Livia is wheeled off]
Ms. Giaculo: Keep her moving, keep her moving!
Tony Soprano: I try and do the right thing by you and you try and have me WHACKED?
Ms. Giaculo: She can't understand you!
Tony Soprano: [being restrained] SHE'S SMILING! LOOK AT THE LOOK ON HER FACE! Look at the look on her face! She's smiling! Look at her face! She's got a fucking smile on her face!


"The Sopranos: The Second Coming (#6.19)" (2007)
Tony Soprano: Talk about a trip. I met this girl, fuckin' beautiful. We did peyote.
Silvio Dante: Come on!
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Really?
Carlo Gervasi: Bobby did mushrooms once. Stuffed mushrooms, a whole fuckin' platter.

Tony Soprano: When you were sick in the hospital, we talked. We shared a, uh... an understanding about life.
Phil Leotardo: This is business, Anthony.
Tony Soprano: Yeah, I know. But I'm talkin' to you here on a human level. There's a limit, Phil. C'mon. A point where business bleeds into other shit. Feelings make things financially unfeasible.
Phil Leotardo: [chuckles] Charles Schwab, over here.
Tony Soprano: So that's it. No leeway, no compromise, just stupid fuckin' jokes.
Phil Leotardo: You want compromise, how's this? Twenty years in the can I wanted manicott', but I compromised. I ate grilled cheese off the radiator instead. I wanted to fuck a woman, but I compromised. I jacked off into a tissue. You see where I'm goin'?

Little Carmine Lupertazzi: So, the reason I'm here you could probably guess.
Tony Soprano: What happened at Coco's restaurant.
Little Carmine Lupertazzi: This alteration you had with him. You're at the precipice, Tony, of an enormous crossroad.

Tony Soprano: This is gonna sound stupid, but I saw at one point that our mothers are... bus drivers. No, they are the bus. See, they're the vehicle that gets us here. They drop us off and go on their way. They continue on their journey. And the problem is that we keep tryin' to get back on the bus, instead of just lettin' it go.

Tony Soprano: I'm depressed.
Carmela Soprano: I'm telling you. Don't you start now.
Tony Soprano: What does that mean?
Carmela Soprano: It means what it means. I have enough on my plate, I don't need you adding to it with your bullshit.
Tony Soprano: Bullshit? It's an illness and it's fuckin' hereditary.
Carmela Soprano: Thank you, I know. I am intimately acquainted with the Soprano curse. Your father, your uncle, your great-grandfather who drove the donkey cart off the road in Avellino, all of it.
Tony Soprano: Oh, you think it's a joke?
Carmela Soprano: Am I laughing?
Tony Soprano: Well, then what are you sayin'?
Carmela Soprano: He didn't get it from my family. That's all I'm gonna say.
Tony Soprano: Your family don't even talk. Your father's so bottled up it's a wonder he's even got a stomach left.
Carmela Soprano: Yeah, as opposed to yours.
Tony Soprano: At least my father was out front about what was botherin' him.
Carmela Soprano: Right, with a bullet through your mother's beehive hairdo.

Anthony Soprano, Jr.: [to Carmela] You know, it's always what you think, isn't it? It's never how I feel.
Tony Soprano: Oh, poor you. It's all your mother fault, isn't it?
Anthony Soprano, Jr.: I didn't say that.
Tony Soprano: You're a mama's boy.

Salvatore 'Coco' Cogliano: [after Tony discovers the affront Coco made to Meadow he walks towards him who is talking to a waiter, with a gun] Some peppers and cheese, gorgonzola. Alright? Don't Forget
Butch DeConcini: [Tony starts to beat Coco to a pulp] WHOA! WHOA!
Tony Soprano: [training his gun at Butch] Sit down! SIT DOWN!
Butch DeConcini: [sits down] Easy, easy!
Tony Soprano: You motherfucker! My fuckin' daughter
[beating Coco]
Tony Soprano: My fuckin' daughter. MOTHERFUCKER! MY FUCKIN' DAUGHTER!
[puts his gun in Coco's mouth]
Tony Soprano: You want some Sambuca with this?
Butch DeConcini: Tony! You're makin' a big fuckin' mistake here!
Tony Soprano: [aiming at Butch again] How about I put a bullet in your fuckin' head huh?
[pulls Coco and puts his mouth on the fireplace]
Salvatore 'Coco' Cogliano: Don't do it!
[Tony curb stomps Coco, making him lose some teeth as Butch looks away]
Tony Soprano: [threatening Butch] Want some?

Tony Soprano: [Tony enters the room and everybody becomes quiet] alright let's dispense with the five hundred pound elephant in the room, my kid tried to off himself we all fucking know, that's it? Nobody's got nothing to say?
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: How's he doing?
Tony Soprano: They got him "under observation" whatever the fuck that means
[to himself]
Tony Soprano: stupid fuck, where did I lose this kid?
[to everybody]
Tony Soprano: what did I do wrong?
Silvio Dante: Don't blame yourself
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: A lot of pressure on kids today
Tony Soprano: It's enough for him to try to kill himself?
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: It happens
Tony Soprano: [to Bobby] did it happen to your kids?
[to patsy]
Tony Soprano: or yours?
Patsy Parisi: They're all different my son Patrick I love him to death but he can be a moody prick sometimes
Silvio Dante: When heather was fifteen she went through a rough patch
Patsy Parisi: Jason same thing, his got the hyperactivity to boot
Carlo Gervasi: My son too, the older one James
Paulie Walnuts: He tried to kill himself?
Carlo Gervasi: No, I don't know he gets the blues
Silvio Dante: The important thing is AJ is getting the help he needs, whatever it is I'm sure it's just a chemical imbalance
Paulie Walnuts: If you ask me it's all these toxins the kids are exposed to, it fucks with their brains, between the Mercury in fish alone, it's a wonder why there's even more kids jumping off bridges


"The Sopranos: Walk Like a Man (#6.17)" (2007)
Carmela Soprano: It's better to have loved than lost, A.J. It's better to have loved and lost, A.J.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [incredulous] What?
Tony Soprano: It is.

Tony Soprano: [sees Chris barbecuing] Oh, look at that wrist action! All those years yankin' it are finally startin' to pay off.

Tony Soprano: What the fuck's with you?
Carlo Gervasi: Root canal, they got me on oxycodone. My whole fuckin' head is numb.
Tony Soprano: Well, that answers some questions.

Tony Soprano: I came here today to tell you, in all seriousness, that I'm done. I did what you said. I gave it a lot of thought and I decided, once and for all, it's over. The truth is this therapy is a jerk-off. You know it and I know it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I actually don't know it but please continue.
Tony Soprano: It's a jerk-off.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, you've said that.

Tony Soprano: It's in his blood, this miserable fuckin' existence. My rotten, fuckin' putrid genes have infected my kid's soul. That's my gift to my son.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know all this is difficult but I'm very glad we're having this discussion.
Tony Soprano: Really, really? 'Cause I gotta be honest, I think it fuckin' sucks.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What does?
Tony Soprano: This. Therapy. I HATE this fuckin' shit! Seriously, we're both adults here, right? So after all is said and done, after all the complainin' and the cryin' and all the fuckin' bullshit... is this all there is?

Carmela Soprano: You've heard the term "comfort food". Maybe it'll make you feel better.
Anthony Soprano, Jr.: I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.
Tony Soprano: Neither is acting like a whiny little bitch.

Tony Soprano: These fuckin' women, they'll drive you nuts with their emotions and whatnot. And I know it feels like you're never gonna love anybody again. But trust me, there's millions of girls that are dyin' to meet a guy like you. I see 'em every day.
Anthony Soprano, Jr.: Oh, right. I'm so special.
Tony Soprano: You're damn right you are. You're handsome, and smart, and hard worker, and - let's be honest - white. That's a huge plus nowadays... Go out and get a blowjob.
Anthony Soprano, Jr.: I don't want a blowjob!
Tony Soprano: Keep your voice down.
Anthony Soprano, Jr.: Why? Who's listening out there?
Tony Soprano: Nobody.
[Carmela opens the door]
Anthony Soprano, Jr.: Ah, fuck me!

Tony Soprano: You knock off early, we, uh, go back to your place, christen those new sheets you were telling me about.
Lori: The man with the plan, huh?
Tony Soprano: Uh, the man with the erection.


"The Sopranos: Funhouse (#2.13)" (2000)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: In a few weeks, we're gonna be opening up the books, again. I'm gonna propose you for membership. Congratulations.
Christopher Moltisanti: I earned it, too. Got no spleen, Gene.

Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: We got any good tequila? You know that acupuncturist down in Puerto Rico? 26... Tell you, this broad, her ass was the second coming. Never wore panties. Brushed her teeth with this shit. Every night she'd drink me under the fucking table. And I'd eat her out when I was down there.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, Puss. Did she even really exist?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to his mother] ... They won't have her back at Green Grove.
Barbara Soprano Giglione: Tony...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She was abusive to the staff!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why are you making me do this, you fat, fucking, miserable piece of shit?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony is having a fever dream where Pussy is a fish on ice at a food market] How much you weigh?
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: Eight pounds.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lost a lot of weight!
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: Swimmin'! The best exercise. Works every muscle group.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get the fuck outta here! You never exercised once in your life!
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: Anyway, $4 a pound.
[pause]
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: You know I've been working with the government, right, Ton'?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't say it.
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: C'mon, Ton'. Sooner or later, you gotta face facts.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't want to hear it.
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: Well you're *gonna* hear it.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [dejectedly] Fuck.
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: You passed me over for promotion, Ton'. You knew.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: How much shit you give 'em?
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: A lot.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus, Puss.
[pause]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuck of a way for it all to end, huh?
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: Yeah.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero: [referring to the fish lying next to him] These guys, on either side of me... they're asleep.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't say that! Not fuckin' funny!
[angrily turns over the table and knocks all the fish to the ground]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh F**k it's the chicken Vindaloo
[Carmela walks out of the bedroom]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: F*****g m***********g Wogs!

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [Tony, Paulie and Silvio are about to execute Pussy,sadly] you were like a brother to me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [teared up] to all of us.


"The Sopranos: Down Neck (#1.7)" (1999)
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That must have been devastating.
Tony Soprano: No, it turned out it was no big deal.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: To see your father handcuffed, being led away by the police.
Tony Soprano: At the time I thought my head was gonna explode. He looked... helpless. When I got home my mother had a different perspective, which made me feel better.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So in her pain she reached out to you.
Tony Soprano: That's one way to put it.
[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]
Young Livia Soprano: Your father may not be home for dinner tonight. Go wash up.
Young Tony Soprano: I know.
Young Livia Soprano: What do you know?
Young Tony Soprano: I saw him getting arrested. What did he do?
Young Livia Soprano: He didn't do anything. They just pick on the Italians.

Tony Soprano: Maybe this was his chance to get out. I know Dad was no choir boy, but maybe with a little bit of support...
Livia Soprano: Oh, Mr. Sensitive now. Well, if it bothers you, maybe you better talk to a psychiatrist.
[walks away]
Tony Soprano: Whoa, what are you talkin' about, a psychiatrist?
Livia Soprano: Well, that's what people do when they're lookin' for somebody to blame for their life, isn't it?
Tony Soprano: You're a real stone player, aren't you, Ma? You threatened to smother his children.
Livia Soprano: What does that mean?
Tony Soprano: You know, everyone thought Dad was the ruthless one. But I gotta hand it to you. If you'd been born after those feminists, you woulda been the real gangster.
Livia Soprano: I don't know what you're talking about!
[walks away]

Tony Soprano: But I'll tell ya somethin', I was proud to be Johnny Soprano's kid. When he beat the shit outta that guy, I went to the class, I told them how tough my father was.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that's how your son feels about you?
Tony Soprano: Yeah, probably. And I'm glad. I'm glad if he's proud of me. But that's the bind I'm in 'cause I don't want him to *be* like me.

Tony Soprano: What about Pussy?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [looks confused]
Tony Soprano: He's an acquaintance of mine.

Peter Galani: He often has difficulty waiting his turn, is often quote unquote, "on the go" or acts if driven by a motor. Often interrupts or intrudes on others. And often fidgets with hands or feet.
Tony Soprano: He fidgets with hands or feet?
Peter Galani: That's right.
Tony Soprano: You mean, like, he fidgets?
Peter Galani: Uh-huh.
Tony Soprano: And that's a sickness, to fidget?
Peter Galani: Mr. Soprano, it's one of nine possible symptoms.
Tony Soprano: What constitutes a fidget?
Carmela Soprano: Tony...
Tony Soprano: No, no, what constitutes a fidget? I mean, so what if he fidgets? He's in school. Who doesn't fidget in school? And he doesn't wait his turn? The kid's in puberty, he gets a hard-on every ten minutes, for chrissake.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She was very high strung, my mother. Very dramatic. Every night to her was a night at the opera.
[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]
Livia Soprano: [to Tony] I could stick this fork in your eye!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Genetic predispositions are only that: predispositions. It's not a destiny written in stone. People have choices.
Tony Soprano: She finally offers an opinion!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You think that everything that happens is preordained? You don't think that human beings possess free will?
Tony Soprano: How come I'm not making freakin' pots in Peru? You're born to this shit. You are what you are.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Within that, there is a range of choices. This is America!
Tony Soprano: Right... America.


"The Sopranos: Whoever Did This (#4.9)" (2002)
[Tony and Christopher are dragging a dismembered body through the woods]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You got your whole life in front of you. You want to throw it all away on drugs?

Tony Soprano: [about Ralph's death] Whoever did this, it should have happened a long time ago.

Christopher Moltisanti: [on Ralph] That poor fucking guy.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Fuck him and his alligator tears.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Please, his kid's in a hospital, a little fucking sympathy!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: That gives him a pass? I don't care if he's got a hundred kids in the hospital with arrows in their heads, he's a piece of shit! You know it, and I know it.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus Christ, you did it. You cooked that fuckin' horse alive!
Ralph Cifaretto: No, I did NOT! But so what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So what?
Ralph Cifaretto: It was a fucking animal! A hundred grand a piece! My kid's in a fuckin' hospital! I don't hear you complaining though, when I bring you a nice fat envelope, you don't give a shit where that comes from! Don't give me that look! It was a fucking horse! What are you, a vegetarian? You eat beef and sausage by the cartload!

Christopher Moltisanti: [grabs hold of Ralph's hair and it comes clean off - it's a wig he's been wearing all along to hide his baldness] Aahh! Holy shit! I had no idea. Did you?
Tony Soprano: Course I did. You're so high on scag, you wouldn't know if he had your mother's muff on his head.

Tony Soprano: [Beating and strangling Ralph over Pie-O-My's death] She was a beautiful innocent creature, what'd she ever do to you? You fuckin' killed her! You killed her, you fuckin' killed her!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Paulie referring to Ralph] you lay a hand on him and you're going to answer to me, if you can quote the rules you can fucking obey them, do you understand?


"The Sopranos: Members Only (#6.1)" (2006)
Tony Soprano: I stopped at a light yesterday and I see this nanny, black girl, pushin' a baby carriage. Comin' the other way, was another one with this old lady in a wheelchair starin' off into space.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The circle of life.
Tony Soprano: Circle-jerk of life. Where's the dignity?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: If you're lucky, in the end you can let go of you pride. Let your loved ones care for you.
Tony Soprano: I'd rather they hold a pillow over my face.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I find it interesting you would say that. You tried to smother your mother with a pillow.
Tony Soprano: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In the hospital after her stroke.
Tony Soprano: The fuck I did! I grabbed a pillow but it was... just to keep my hands occupied.

Tony Soprano: What was your mother like? She ever let you down, do anything to hurt your feelings?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course she did. She was controlling, manipulative at times. She also never tried to kill me.
Tony Soprano: I pushed her over the edge.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: By placing her in a lovely retirement community.
Tony Soprano: It's a nursing home!

Tony Soprano: What you lose a little weight?
Agent Dwight Harris: Ah...
Vito Spatafore: You look good. Atkins, right?
Agent Dwight Harris: I caught a parasite over there. Doctors don't know what it is.
Christopher Moltisanti: What do they eat, tabooli?
Agent Dwight Harris: Actually that's why I'm here. I been dyin' for a Satriale's veal parm hero.
[walks in]
Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck him. I hope that parasite eats his asshole out.
Tony Soprano: [shrugs] Kinda feel bad for the guy.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: I lost my uppers.
Tony Soprano: Probably upstairs.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: God fuck it all!
Tony Soprano: Relax, will ya? We'll find them.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: The phone keeps ringing, and then they hang up.
Tony Soprano: It's probably salespeople.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: I know who it is!
Tony Soprano: Pussy Malanga, I know. We'll get J. Edgar Hoover right on it.
Tony Soprano: Tell ya what, you go upstairs and look for your teet'. I'm gonna fix ya somethin' to eat. OK?
[goes to the kitchen]
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: I had a banana in there!
Tony Soprano: Alright, we'll find that too.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: You have such a low opinion of people?
Tony Soprano: Let me tell you somethin', A.J. I don't care how close you are, in the end your friends are gonna let you down. Family: they're the only ones you can depend on.

Christopher Moltisanti: You ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
[everyone laughs]
Tony Soprano: You're gonna make that same stupid joke every time that comes up?


"The Sopranos: College (#1.5)" (1999)
Meadow Soprano: Are you in the Mafia?
Tony Soprano: Am I in the what?
Meadow Soprano: Whatever you want to call it. Organized crime.
Tony Soprano: That's total crap, who told you that?
Meadow Soprano: Dad, I've lived in the house all my life. I've seen the police come with warrants. I've seen you going out at three in the morning.
Tony Soprano: So you never seen Doc Cusamano going out at three in the morning on a call?
Meadow Soprano: Did the Cusamano kids ever find $50,000 in krugerrandts and a .45 automatic while they were hunting for Easter eggs?
Tony Soprano: I'm in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed up. It's a stereotype. And it's offensive. And you're the last person I would want to perpetuate it... There is no Mafia.
Meadow Soprano: Fine.
Tony Soprano: Alright look, Mead, you're a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?
Meadow Soprano: At least you don't keep denying it, like Mom. Kids in school think it's actually kinda neat.
Tony Soprano: They seen "The Godfather", right?
Meadow Soprano: Not really. "Casino" we like, Sharon Stone, the 70's clothes, pills...
Tony Soprano: I'm not asking about those bums. I'm asking about you.
Meadow Soprano: Sometimes I wish you were like other dads. But then, like... Mr. Scangarelo for example? An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? So many dads are full of shit.
Tony Soprano: Oh, and I'm not.
Meadow Soprano: You finally told the truth about this.
Tony Soprano: Look, Mead, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses, stock market...
Meadow Soprano: Look, Dad, please, okay? Don't start mealy-mouthing.

[Christopher calls Tony from a phone booth, while it's raining]
Tony Soprano: What do you got?
Christopher Moltisanti: Wet shoes.
Tony Soprano: You chose this life. You don't want to work in the rain, try for the fucking Yankees.

Tony Soprano: [garroting Fred Peters] One thing about us wiseguys, the hustle never ends.

Tony Soprano: [regarding Father Phil] What you guys do for twelve hours? Play, uh, "Name That Pope"?
Carmela Soprano: He gave me communion.
Tony Soprano: Oh, I bet he gave you communion.
Carmela Soprano: Excuse me?
Tony Soprano: Well, Carmela, the guy spends the night here with you and all he does is slip you a wafer?
Carmela Soprano: That's verging on sacrilege.
Tony Soprano: Oh, I didn't mean to verge.

Tony Soprano: There was a time, Mead, when the Italian people didn't have a lot of options.
Meadow Soprano: You mean like Mario Cuomo?
[Tony stares at her]
Meadow Soprano: Sorry.
Tony Soprano: You know I put food on the table. My father was in it. My uncle was in it. Maybe I was too lazy to think for myself. To consider myself... A rebel. Maybe being a rebel in my family would have been selling patio furniture on route 22.

Tony Soprano: [Tony strangles "Fred Peters" with a wire from behind] Good morning rat!
Fred Peters: [struggling] Who are you? What is this?
Tony Soprano: Don't make me laugh! You pimp! You fuck!
Fred Peters: Teddy, there must be something we can...
Tony Soprano: Tony! It's Tony, you fuck! You know how much trouble you're in now? You took an oath, and you BROKE it!
Fred Peters: I could have killed you last night outside the motel. Your daughter was drunk, remember? I was out at the parking lot, I had a gun, but I didn't do it. Because then I told myself
[crying for his life]
Fred Peters: "It's just a coincidence! He's taking his little girl to college!"
Tony Soprano: Well you know about us wiseguys? The hustle never ends. If you shot me at that motel, your life would have been flushed out on the pisciadood!
Tony Soprano: Jimmy says "Hello" from hell, you fuck!
[Tony strangles Fred Peters to death]


"The Sopranos: The Strong, Silent Type (#4.10)" (2002)
Adriana La Cerva: [at Christopher's intervention] But when you killed Cosette, that was the last straw.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Killed the dog? What'd you do that for?
Christopher Moltisanti: It was an accident!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What, was it barking?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Christopher is harshly beaten] Does it hurt?
Christopher Moltisanti: They gave me some aspirin.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well enjoy it, cause it's the last fucking drug you're ever gonna take.
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm sorry, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Shut the fuck up and listen to me. You're my nephew, Christopher, and I love you. And that's the only reason you're alive right now. If it had been anybody else, anybody, they would have had that fuckin' intervention right through the back of their head. You and me, we're close. We've done a lot of things for eachother.
Christopher Moltisanti: A cop shot my father. I know what you're telling me. I'll never forget that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And this is how you repay me. I gotta worry if you're gonna flip over a nickel bag of white powder!
Christopher Moltisanti: No, Tony, never.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You lied to me. I told you you were the future of this family, I gave you that responsibilty and you looked me in the eye and you accepted it, and you were fucking high!
Christopher Moltisanti: [tearfully] Tony...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Shut up. Tomorrow you're gonna go with Patsy up to this rehab place in Pennsylvania. You're going in, you're staying in, you're gonna do every fucking session and you're gonna keep your mouth shut. Now if you need anything. Anything at all, Patsy's gonna be half a mile away from you in a motel. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you?
Christopher Moltisanti: [crying] Tony, I'm sorry! How'd I fucking get to this?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Is he driving you to drink?
Svetlana Kirilenko: I can drive myself.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, I was thinking about you.
Svetlana Kirilenko: So you're drunk already.

Christopher Moltisanti: [Referring to Tony during the intervention] There he goes "Mr. Type A" personality
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're here to talk about you killing yourself with drugs, not my fucking personality
Christopher Moltisanti: I'm going to kill myself? The way you fucking eat you're going to have a heart attack by the time your fifty

Dominic Palladino: [During Christopher's intervention] Christopher, this won't be easy for any of us I want you to know we're here today because we care about you all we ask is that you listen
Christopher Moltisanti: [to Adriana] was this your idea?
Dominic Palladino: [to Adriana] would you like to begin?
Adriana La Cerva: [to Christopher] I love you very much, my only dream is that we have a happy life together for the last few months things have gotten very bad because you're using drugs all the time, your high all the time and I can't take it
Dominic Palladino: [to Adriana] be specific.
Adriana La Cerva: When we first started going out we made love all the time now because of the drugs...
Christopher Moltisanti: Jesus, is this fucking necessary?
Dominic Palladino: [to Adriana] go ahead
Adriana La Cerva: You can no longer function as a man, last week when I came and found you killed our dog that was the final straw
Christopher Moltisanti: [Referring to the dog] I fell asleep, she got suffocated
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You killed little Cosette, I ought to suffocate you, you little prick
Dominic Palladino: Tony, we're going in order
Christopher Moltisanti: [after Silvio reads his statement] I told you I had the flu, I can't even defend myself now?
Dominic Palladino: No one's attacking you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, it doesn't change anything but I can verify he was sick for a little while, still this thing with the dog, how could you not see it on the chair?
Dominic Palladino: You're getting emotional tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's because I know what it's like to lose a pet!
Carmela Soprano: I happen to know you were high at my mother in law's wake, you were talking nonstop for twenty minutes, nothing but gibberish
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Shaking his head in disappointment] my mother's wake, Jesus Christ
Dominic Palladino: [after Paulie reads his statement] whoa, guys we said "non-judgmental"
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Fuck that, let him take his medicine
Christopher Moltisanti: Seriously Paulie, you want to talk about "being up"?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Watch it Chrissy
Christopher Moltisanti: What? I thought we're honest here, you got some balls you know that? All of you, you want to talk about "self-control", how about you Sil? Fucking every slut you got working for you when you got a wife and kid at home how about you Paulie? You remember last year in the woods with the Russian guy?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Christopher I am fucking warning you!


"The Sopranos: Kennedy and Heidi (#6.18)" (2007)
Christopher Moltisanti: Frankly, Tone, I'm thinking maybe we should meet Phil's number.
Tony Soprano: Why? I think that would set a terrible precedent right now. Just bend over? When he just became boss of the family over there?
Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, well, that's the flying ointment. Even still, I say let him have it. Life's too short.
Tony Soprano: It's also too short to live it as a fuckin' lackey.
Christopher Moltisanti: True, too.

Christopher Moltisanti: Well, regarding Phil, I gotta ask. Whatever happened to "stop and smell the roses"?
Tony Soprano: You're right, you're right. You can't fight every fucking battle, right? Asbestos.
[laughs]
Tony Soprano: Each day's a gift.
Christopher Moltisanti: Every time I look at my kid, that's what I realize.
Tony Soprano: And that shit with Junior? Please. It's just that people like Phil, they're not on that page. They'll take those roses and stick 'em up your ass, thorns first.

Tony Soprano: You alright?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [referring to Christopher] I know I had my differences with that kid, but maybe I didn't do right by him, neither. If you were his dad, I was his Dutch uncle. And what the fuck did I do but get pissed off? Fight with him over cocksuckin', fuckin' money? And break his balls when he tried not to have a drink or a little taste of snow.
Tony Soprano: it's over Paulie

Tony Soprano: You know what? This is bullshit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What?
Tony Soprano: I haven't been able to tell anybody this. I'm fuckin' relieved.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony Soprano: He was a tremendous drag on my emotions and my thoughts about the future. I mean, to begin with, every morning I wake up thinkin' is this the day that one of my best friends is gonna dime me to the FBI? And a weak, fuckin' snivellin', lyin' drug addict? That's the worst kind of bet. The biggest blunder of my career is now gone. And I don't have to be confronted by that fact no more. And as a relative, a friend, someone you can count on?
[flicks his hand under his chin]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see.
Tony Soprano: Let me tell you somethin'. I murdered friends before, even relatives. My cousin Tony, my best friend Puss... But this?
[wakes up from his dream]

[Joanne falls to her knees and cries]
Tony Soprano: Fuckin' James Brown now.

Tony Soprano: [stares at the desert sun] I get it. I get it!


"The Sopranos: Boca (#1.9)" (1999)
Carmela Soprano: Let's just say your uncle has acquired quite a taste for her.
Tony Soprano: No, shit, Uncle Jun gives head?
Carmela Soprano: World class.
Tony Soprano: The old man's whistling through the wheat field?
Carmela Soprano: Don't be disgusting!
Tony Soprano: Oh, he's a Bushman of the Kalahari!
Carmela Soprano: [laughs]
Carmela Soprano: [laughs] That's why I don't tell you anything 'cause you don't know when to stop!
Tony Soprano: Oh my God, if this ever gets out.
Carmela Soprano: Oh yeah, like you don't do it or any of your friends. Bunch of hypocrites.
Tony Soprano: Hey, what goes on in this bedroom stays here and you know that.
Carmela Soprano: Once a year? I can resist the urge to gossip.

[Tony dismisses a Bada Bing girl after Coach Don Hauser declines some VIP treatment]
Tony Soprano: Brandy, go, uh, sit on a tuffet.

Tony Soprano: Uncle Jun, how was Boca?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Wonderful. I don't go down enough.
Carmela Soprano: That's not what I heard.

Tony Soprano: [drunk] Carmela, I didn't hurt nobody.

[Tony, Junior, Silvio and Mikey are playing golf]
Tony Soprano: Uncle Jun's into muff.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: What?
Tony Soprano: Oh, did I say "muff"? I meant "rough".
[sniffs]
Tony Soprano: What's that smell? Did you guys go to a sushi bar?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: [to Mikey] The fuck's he talkin' about?
Tony Soprano: I thought you were a baccalà man, Uncle Jun. What are you doin' eatin' sushi?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: You fuckin' run off at the mouth, you know that?
Tony Soprano: [sings] South of the border, down Mexico Way.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Hey listen, my friend. At least I can deal with my own problems. Unlike some I know.
Tony Soprano: What's that supposed to mean?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Take it however you want. Don't bullshit with me.
Silvio Dante: Hey guys, guys. We're here to play golf or what? C'mon.
Tony Soprano: [sings] South of the border where the tuna fish play.


"The Sopranos: Where's Johnny? (#5.3)" (2004)
Junior Soprano: [showing early stages of dementia] What are you asking him for? He never had what it took to be a varsity athlete.
Angelo Garepe: [confused] Your point being, Junior?
Tony Soprano: [covering for him] Don't mind him, he's just breakin' balls.

Tony Soprano: What I was thinking was a tri-umber-thing. Like Caesar.

Tony Soprano: Free spirit Janice! Rebel without a cause! While I sit here mired in her bullshit, trying to be a good son, while you're off dropping acid and blowing roadies!
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Roadies?
Tony Soprano: Oh, you don't wanna know!

Tony Soprano: [to Bobby] You want more responsibility? Start by controlling your wife.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [having Sunday dinner, Tony is upset by a remark by Uncle Junior] Get your coat! We're leaving!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I don't have a coat.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, then get moving, goddamn it!


"The Sopranos: Denial, Anger, Acceptance (#1.3)" (1999)
Ariel: You ever heard of the Masada? For two years, 900 Jews held their own against 15,000 Roman soldiers. They chose death before enslavement. The Romans? Where are they now?
Tony Soprano: You're looking at them, asshole.

Mr. Teittleman: Do you have a daughter, Mr. Soprano?
Tony Soprano: Yes. Call me Tony.
Mr. Teittleman: What would you do if your daughter was abused by her husband?
Tony Soprano: I'd talk to him.
Silvio Dante: Yeah, in "Ball Peen Hammer".

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [about Jackie's condition] From what you're telling me it doesn't sound very good.
Tony Soprano: From what I'm telling you? Well, what the fuck do I know? I'm not a doctor.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're angry. Who with?
Tony Soprano: Let me tell you something. This man has had chemo every day for three fuckin' weeks and he still has every last hair on his head. Every last hair on his head and he's got a beautiful head of hair. So don't tell me about how it sounds because you don't know him and you don't know me and you don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's happening is we're getting closer to your confronting your true feelings about what's really going on here.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I just told you my true feelings. So why don't you tell me what's really goin' on.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The tree in the painting rotted out, you said. There's nothing in that picture to indicate that.
Tony Soprano: The fucking painting. I knew that painting was a scam. I knew that painting was a fuckin' scam!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You remember your dream? The ducks? It took on another meaning. What happens to a tree that's rotted out?
Tony Soprano: Trees, ducks. What the fuck are you, Ranger Rick? I'll tell you, some job you shrinks got! You think everybody is lying to you while you're pulling scams on them! Fuck you!
[walks out]

[Tony calls Hesh]
Hesh Rabkin: Yeah.
Tony Soprano: I'm here with my non-shellfish eatin' friend. I gotta tell you somethin', I'm tapped out. This guy won't listen to reason.
Hesh Rabkin: Didn't I tell you, huh? Didn't I warn you to keep away from those fanatics?
Tony Soprano: He's leaving me no options. This guy's willing to go down with the ship like no man I've ever seen.
Hesh Rabkin: Here's a thought... Maybe he's willing to go to the world to come, but if he's stuck here on this earth, I know one thing that no man wants to go through life without.
Tony Soprano: What? Oh. That's a fuckin' brilliant idea.
Hesh Rabkin: Make like a mohel, huh? Finish his bris.
Tony Soprano: Yeah.
[hangs up]
Tony Soprano: Paulie! Get the bolt cutters from out of the trunk! Ariel, we're goin' to Plan B.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are things?
Tony Soprano: Good. I had a real good week. Friend of mine's in the hospital. That's never pleasant, but... Otherwise I'm having a good week.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's he in for?
Tony Soprano: First they thought it was an ulcer. You know, then this and that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You worried about him?
Tony Soprano: Jackie? Jackie's so fucking mean, he'll scare that cancer away.


"The Sopranos: Pax Soprana (#1.6)" (1999)
Tony Soprano: This psychiatry shit. Apparently what you're feelin' is not what you're feelin' and what you're not feelin' is your real agenda.

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: I always thought you could make the pros. You could have done it. You had a swing like Joe D.
Tony Soprano: You're crazy.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: What? You think I'm fucking you?
Tony Soprano: Yeah, I could barely hit .250.
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: That's because you didn't want it. Too busy chasing skirt. Chasing skirt, your average was .500.

Tony Soprano: Remember the story you told me about the father bull talking to the son? They're up on this hill and looking down on a bunch of cows. And the son goes to the father, "Dad, why don't we run down there and fuck one of these cows?" Now do you remember what the father said? Father says, "Son, why don't we walk down there and fuck them all?"

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When's the last time you had a prostate exam?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, I don't even let anyone wag their finger in my FACE.
[Dr. Melfi laughs]

Tony Soprano: Alright, lemme hear it.
Jimmy Altieri: Rusty Irish.
Tony Soprano: What about him?
Larry Boy Barese: He took a header of the falls.
Raymond Curto: That's the closest that junkie fuck ever got to a bath.
Larry Boy Barese: Yeah, well I got news for you. That junkie fuck was my biggest earner. During the football season, he moved more cards than 10 guys put together. And another thing, a certain friend of ours should've checked with me before he did a favor for the old man Capri.


"The Sopranos: The Ride (#6.9)" (2006)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after a near-death experience] Every day's a gift.
[pause]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks?

Viper: [after realizing Tony and Christopher robbed them of the wine they originally intended to steal] what the fuck?
Biker #1: Who the fuck are you guys?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Pointing a gun at them] that's who I am you lazy cock sucker
Viper: [Putting their hands up] whoa
Biker #1: [Putting their hands up] take it easy
Christopher Moltisanti: On the ground or I'll blow your greasy fucking heads off
Viper: You guys cops?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Sarcastically to Tony] how's your incision lieutenant?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly while continuing to load the wine into his SUV] 10-4
Viper: You're fucking with The Vipers here asshole
Christopher Moltisanti: [Sarcastically] oh, really? What's that? Your Girl Scout troop?
Biker #1: Look...
Christopher Moltisanti: SHUT UP, fucking douche bag
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after finishing loading the rest of the wine in his SUV and whispers to Christopher] let's go

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Celebrating in a restaurant after robbing bikers of their wine] how about that prick's face when he saw your gun?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Imitating one of the bikers] whoa, take it easy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Imitating one of the bikers] "we're with The Vipers
Christopher Moltisanti: How's that wine? Good?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It really is, I've got to say
Christopher Moltisanti: [Referring to the biker] I've got to tell you, when he pulled the trigger I almost shit myself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Slowly sipping the wine]
Christopher Moltisanti: I'll be honest, I miss it sometimes: the wine
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You should make a toast at your wedding, at least
Christopher Moltisanti: It takes disciple, set limits for myself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Pouring Christopher some wine] you know, in Italy they consider wine food?
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [They toast to each other] Solute
Christopher Moltisanti: Solute

Christopher Moltisanti: You think about the shit we've been through? The shit we've done? We're like the three Musketeers
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We've got a bond, that's very special
Christopher Moltisanti: You saved my life: in a lot of ways
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I know you've been there for me too, don't think I don't know that
Christopher Moltisanti: There were times that were hard for the both of us, I didn't understand
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You were young and stubborn
Christopher Moltisanti: You always had my back though
Christopher Moltisanti: I love you Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I love you too

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Talking privately in Tony's basement] what's wrong? What's the matter?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Genuinely reminding him] you know I've always been loyal to you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What'd are trying to tell me?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Shamefully crying] I can't even say it... Adriana
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What about her?
Christopher Moltisanti: The Feds
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus fucking Christ, how fucking long?
Christopher Moltisanti: A year, I don't know exactly
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When'd you find out?
Christopher Moltisanti: She just told me last night
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What they know? What'd she give them?
Christopher Moltisanti: I don't know, I think a lot
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony rips his shirt open to check for a wire] how could you even think that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Forcefully grabbing him] where is she? Where the fuck is she?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Nervously] She's home
Christopher Moltisanti: [Sensing Tony wants him to kill Adriana and pleading] I can't, Tony, please don't make me do it
Christopher Moltisanti: [Crying and hugging him] I can't do it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Looking directly in his eyes] I'll take care of it, go upstairs and go out the back door. Don't talk to Carmela, go somewhere and get some coffee, you wait until I call you, it'll be OK, I'll take care of it, now go


"The Sopranos: Toodle-Fucking-Oo (#2.3)" (2000)
Tony Soprano: [angered] I thought I told you to back the fuck off Beansie!
Richie Aprile: I did, then I put it in drive
Tony Soprano: Oh, you think this is funny? That guy may never walk again, did you know that? And for what? 'Cause he didn't duke you enough? 'Cause he didn't visit you in the can? When was the last time you visited anybody in the can Richie? When was the last time you gave a fuck about anybody but Richie Aprile?
Tony Soprano: Well, you remember one thing this you'd better hear! You want a talk of this old school bullshit about the rules? Well here's a rule you might remember. I'm the motherfuckin' fuckin' one who calls the shots! And you better pay me the respect, that I gave your brother. Or we're gonna have a problem... a bad one.
Tony Soprano: Now get the fuck out of here!
Richie Aprile: Alright Ton!
Tony Soprano: Yeah! Alright!

Carmela Soprano: Fine, I'm not gonna argue with you Tony. If you want her to leave then you're gonna have to tell her cause I'm not. It's not Christian.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well see this shit works out, she's a Buddhist.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Watching a drunk and high Hunter dancing in the front lawn of his mom's house] Hey J-Lo where is Meadow?
Hunter Scangarelo: [Looking confused] I don't know... I give up!

Carmela Soprano: So, what did she have to say for herself?
Tony Soprano: The usual shit, "wasn't my fault."
Carmela Soprano: There was designer drugs there, tony. So, what did you say?
Tony Soprano: I don't know, i yelled. What the fuck else am i gonna do?

Carmela Soprano: [referring to Meadow's punishment, while lying in bed] There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Typical?


"The Sopranos: Whitecaps (#4.13)" (2002)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, when you asked me what Irina's cousin had, that you don't have? Well, I thought about it, 'cause it's a pretty good fucking question. And yes, she's sexy enough even with the one pin gone, but that's not it. I could converse with her 'cause she had something to say.
Carmela Soprano: I AM HERE! I have things to say!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Besides bringing the fucking chairs down and sign the fucking trust! She was a grown woman who was kicked around. And she's been on her own and she had to fight and struggle!
Carmela Soprano: Unlike me? Is that it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Carmela Soprano: [shouting] Who the fuck wanted it like this? Who the fuck pissed and moaned of just the idea of me with a fucking real estate license?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, you sit back for 20 fucking years all you did was fiddle with the air conditioning and fucking bitch and complain! And fucking bitch, bitch, bitch to me! TO YOUR PRIEST! FUCK IT!
Carmela Soprano: Who knew all this time you wanted Tracy and Hepburn? Well Tony, what about all the thousand other fucking pigs you had your dick in over the years? The strippers, the cocktail waitresses, were they all your best friends all of them too?
[pause]
Carmela Soprano: You fucking hypocrite.

Carmela Soprano: You have made a fool of me for years with these whores. Now it's come into our home?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you talking about?
Carmela Soprano: The RUSSIAN called. Your son answered the telephone!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, Jesus. Carmela, she's insane. She's certifiable, I told you. You can't believe a word she says, whatever it is, and we haven't seen each other like that, I swear to Christ!
Carmela Soprano: What about her cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [realizing he's been caught] What? No.
Carmela Soprano: The nurse who took care of your mother, who I liked? Who I spoke to on the phone about your mother's alopecia and her bowel movements? Who I shared vodka with the night your mother died? You've been FUCKING her?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There is not a shred of truth in that.
Carmela Soprano: Why would the cousin make it up, huh? Because she's jealous?
[she lunges at him and he grabs her and pins her to the wall]
Carmela Soprano: LET GO OF ME!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmela, who the fuck did you think I was when you married me, huh? You knew my father, you grew up around Dicky Moltisanti and your uncle Eddie. Where do you get off acting so surprised and miffed when there are women on the side? You knew the deal.
Carmela Soprano: Deal?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And your mother can talk about what she wants about whats his name and his chain of drug stores. You and I both know that the other boyfriend you were debating marrying was Gerry Tuffie and his father's snow plow buisness. And we now know that that wouldn't of suited you at all.
Carmela Soprano: You really don't hear me, do you? You think for me it's all about things.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No I forced all this shit on you. What you really crave is a Hyundai and a simple gold heart on a chain.
Carmela Soprano: You are so fucking hateful.

Carmela Soprano: Just for the record, I would have gone on with your cheating, and your bullshit, if your attitude around here had been the least bit loving, concerned, interested.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Whose idea was Whitecaps?
Carmela Soprano: That's just a bigger version of an emerald ring. So you can go on with your other life.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You don't know me at all.
Carmela Soprano: I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hate you? I don't hate you, but hey, I'm going to hell when I die. Nice thing to say to a guy headed into an MRI.


"The Sopranos: Nobody Knows Anything (#1.11)" (1999)
Tony Soprano: So your father tells me you're takin' up astronomy in college.
Kevin Bompensiero: No, business.
Tony Soprano: Well, how come he keeps sayin' you're takin' up space in school?
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero: [laughs] Madon'. Don't make me laugh. Kills my back.
Tony Soprano: He's a good lookin' kid. Sure he's yours?

Silvio Dante: Look, T, if my vote counts for anything, I cannot believe that Pussy would fear the can enough to hurt his friends.
Tony Soprano: That's what they said about Gravano.

Meadow Soprano: This country's light-years behind the rest of the world. Most civilized countries have legalized prostitution.
Tony Soprano: Don't you got somewhere to be?
Meadow Soprano: I mean, it's a joke. Look what they're putting the President through.
Carmela Soprano: He deserved what he got.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: He got Monica Kaczynski and the broad with the long nose.
Meadow Soprano: I just don't think sex should be a punishable offense.
Tony Soprano: You know honey, that's where I agree with you. I don't think sex should be a punishable offense either. But I do think talking about sex at the breakfast table is a punishable offense. So no more sex talk, OK?
Meadow Soprano: It's the 90s. Parents are supposed to discuss sex with their children.
Tony Soprano: Yeah, but that's where you're wrong. You see out there it's the 1990s but in this house it's 1954.
[points to the window]
Tony Soprano: 1990s.
[points to the floor]
Tony Soprano: 1954. So now and forever, I don't want to hear any more sex talk, OK?

Tony Soprano: [regarding Makazian] What did he come here for? Therapy?
Debbie: You could say that.
Tony Soprano: Instead of a couch you use a bed? It's not a bad idea.
Debbie: Hey, who wouldn't want to sleep with their shrink?
Tony Soprano: ...What does that mean?


"The Sopranos: Two Tonys (#5.1)" (2004)
Tony Soprano: Long as you don't step on anybody's toes!
Feech La Manna: Me? I'm Fred Astaire.

Tony Soprano: [to Feech] You go straight from the joint to Earl Sheib? Look at this fuckin' tan!

Tony Soprano: [to Carmela regarding the bear] What, you trying to prove your independence? This ain't "Little House on the Fuckin' Prairie!" Those things are dangerous!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [has invited Dr. Melfi to go to Bermuda with him] Come on, Doc. I'm breaking out the big guns here. You're turning me into half a stalker.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Listen, Anthony. I'm not going to go out with you, and it's not because you're unattractive or I don't think I would have a good time. It's just something I'm not going to do. I would like you to respect my decision, and just try to feel that I know what's right for me. Okay?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not just the doctor-patient ethics thing, is it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I want to preserve the option for you that you could always come back to our work, if you wish, and that we could pick up where we've left off.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [frustrated] I don't think you get this. I want you!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's very flattering to me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not interested in flattering you.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know you're not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, then what is it? Just help me understand it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You know, Anthony, during our work I never judged you, or your behavior. It's not the place of a therapist to do so.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, I get all this. Go, go.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In a personal relationship, I don't think I could sit silent.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [amused] About what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Our values are... just very different.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You don't like my values.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Honestly?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [admiring her bluntness] OK. Like what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's getting late.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, no. Come on. It's okay.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well... you're not a truthful person. You're not respectful of women. You're not really respectful of people.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't love people?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you love them, I don't know. You take what you want from them by force, or the threat of force. I couldn't live like that. I couldn't bear witness to violence...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: FUCK YOU!
[storms out]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You fucking cunt!


"The Sopranos: Isabella (#1.12)" (1999)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit.

Carmela Soprano: Tony, these kids need a father!
Tony Soprano: They got one, Tony Soprano!

Meadow Soprano: They almost killed you for a stupid car.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I guess nobody told them about the kind of gas mileage that thing gets, huh mead?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Talk about a jolt to the system. Try gettin' shot at. It'll give you a nice kick start.
[pauses]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, when i was depressed, i said i didn't wanna live. Well, i'll tell you somethin'. I didn't wanna die. Every fuckin' particle of my bein' was fightin' to live.


"The Sopranos: For All Debts Public and Private (#4.1)" (2002)
Carmine Lupertazzi: One other thing though. John told me he went to a cookout at your house.
Tony Soprano: Yeah.
Carmine Lupertazzi: A don doesn't wears shorts.

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Mom started going downhill after the World Trade Center. You know Quasimodo predicted all this.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who did what?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: All these problems - the Middle East, the end of the world.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nostradamus. Quasimodo's the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Oh right. Notre Damus.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nostradamus, and Notre Dame. Two different things completely.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: It's interesting though, they'd be so similar, isn't it?" And I always thought okay, Hunchback of Notre Dame. You also got your quarterback and halfback of Notre Dame.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: One's a fucking cathedral.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Obviously. I know, I'm just saying. It's interesting, the coincidence. What you're gonna tell me you never pondered that? The back thing with Notre Dame?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No!

Tony Soprano: [Tony chastises his assembled captains who aren't making money for the family] This thing is a "pyramid" since time immemorial, I should have to be coming here "hat in my hand", reminding you of your duty to that man.
Tony Soprano: [t pointing at Raymond] and I don't want to hear about the freaking economy either! I don't want to hear it. Sil, break it down for them. What two businesses have traditionally been recession proof since time immemorial?
Silvio Dante: Certain aspects of show business... and our thing.
Tony Soprano: Now that's it. That's all I've gotta say. Frankly, I'm depressed and ashamed.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I want to know why there's zero growth in this family's receipts. Where's the fucking money? You're supposed to be earners. That's why you've got the top-tiered positions. So I want each one of you to go out to your people on the street, crack some fucking heads, making some fucking earnings out there!


"The Sopranos: Cold Stones (#6.11)" (2006)
Vito Spatafore: [Vito has emerged from hiding after being outed. He approaches Tony in the mall] Tony. Hey
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck?
Vito Spatafore: My brother's over there.
[Vito points to a man standing in the distance]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What's that supposed to mean?
Vito Spatafore: Nothing. He's just there, that's all.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You sandbag me? I'll cut your fucking throat open.
Vito Spatafore: I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I want back in. Can I sit?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, you can't sit.
Vito Spatafore: It's complicated. I was working things out.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm sure it gets complicated. When you're taking it up your fag ass.
Vito Spatafore: I'm not a fag. I never was
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Excuse me?
Vito Spatafore: It was the medication I was on. For my blood pressure. It fucked with my head, but I'm over that now. I could probably get a letter from my doctor
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: A note from your doctor saying you don't like to suck cock?

A.J. Soprano: [Talking privately in their garage] What now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Hands AJ a business card] Tomorrow 7am you go to this address and for a Mr. Gaveralo, I just got off the phone with him
A.J. Soprano: Seven in the morning? For what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You'll be working construction
A.J. Soprano: What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Ferrying cement in a wheel barrow
A.J. Soprano: So it's outdoors?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
A.J. Soprano: But it's winter time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You got a lot of those hooded sweatshirts like those moulinyans wear you watch on MTV you can double up
A.J. Soprano: Come on this is bullshit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony puts his hand on AJ's shoulder and pulls face closer to his face] Every penny you make you keep, we won't charge you any rent and believe me the pay's good it's a union job, I just want to see you do good your my son and I love you
A.J. Soprano: I'm going to have to leave your friend in a lurch when I go back to school
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's ok he deals with that all the time
A.J. Soprano: I just assume to keep searching online
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm sure you would, but if you're not at that site tomorrow morning,
[AJ nods dismissively]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm going to take away your car and then I'm going to take away your clothes I'm going to take away your room and then I'm going to take away your mother's cooking and pretty soon you'll be out in the fucking street,
A.J. Soprano: [Tony uses a football helmet and breaks the wind shield on AJ's SUV] What the hell are you doing?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It might get a little drafty driving down there tomorrow but I will have this fucking thing towed out of here and grounded up, look at it, you don't take care of it
[Tony puts his hand back on AJ's shoulder]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't put me to the test

Vito Spatafore: [to Tony] First off, I'd pay my way back in. I got two hundred grand that goes directly to you personally, no one needs to know. Long term: I know construction is out, I got contacts in Atlantic City, with your support I can set myself up there I'd be close, but not too close.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Ignores him and gets up to leave]

Carmela Soprano: [to AJ] So every time I asked you "how was work?" you say "fine", you were having your own private little joke on me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony enters the room] what's going on?
Carmela Soprano: I went to Blockbuster to rent Cinderella Man, but guess what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Is it still a classic?
Carmela Soprano: I found out our son, the liar, was fired three weeks ago
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: From Blockbuster? They have the worst managers over there.
Carmela Soprano: He was taking promotional items and selling them, stand ups.
A.J. Soprano: Standees, this whole thing is bullshit, most of that stuff gets thrown out anyway.
Carmela Soprano: The store's policy was very clear
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, well maybe I care about the environment did that ever occur to you? "'Wallace and Gromit" that weighed like fifty pounds, how many trees gave their lives for that? It just goes to the dump.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Can I come to a peaceful house one God damn night?
A.J. Soprano: You always tell me to think like a business man, yet every time I do there's something wrong, I was making money throwing parties in high school that was no good.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what I think, all those days you call in sick, you show up late, you deserve to get canned
Carmela Soprano: The worst part is: you don't even give a shit
A.J. Soprano: I should give a shit about Blockbuster? I can't live on what they pay me anyway.
Carmela Soprano: Why not? You live at home, we feed you.
A.J. Soprano: You have a social life but I can't, you have any idea what it costs at a descent club in New York? It's five hundred dollars for a bottle of Cristal, and it's a two bottle minimum.
Carmela Soprano: You spend a thousand dollars a night on champagne?
A.J. Soprano: [Lying] no, not every night, barely ever


"The Sopranos: Remember When (#6.15)" (2007)
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Hey, Tone. Remember when we all rented that house down the Shore? With the bedbugs? Heh, heh.
Tony Soprano: [nods]
Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta: Summer of '78. Carlo, Silvio, Frankie Napoli.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Place up the beach. Sonny Spits from the Bronx rented it? That's where that hippie kid "mysteriously" drowned during that party. Heh, heh.
Tony Soprano: [glares at Paulie]
Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta: Hey, Tony. You OK?
Tony Soprano: Yeah, yeah.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You sure, T? You're being kinda quiet.
Tony Soprano: Well, it's 'cause, uh, "remember when" is the lowest form of conversation.
Tony Soprano: [gets up and leaves]

Anika: How do you know Peter?
Tony Soprano: Who Peter? Beansie? An old friend from the neighborhood.
Anika: So the other guy, the one with the white hair thingies, what's his name again?
Tony Soprano: Paulie.
[grimaces]
Anika: Right. What is he, like, your best friend?
Tony Soprano: He say that?
Anika: I just figured the way he was talking. Honestly, I thought he was your dad at first.
Tony Soprano: There was a time when I wished he was. He used to work for my dad.
Anika: I know he told me.
Tony Soprano: [looks angry]

Tony Soprano: You know, no offense but you ever had yourself checked for Tourette's?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What?
Tony Soprano: Tourette's Syndrome. Seriously. "Heh, heh. Heh, heh." Maybe you got a tic or somethin'?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I don't know. Like some people grind their teeth. When I'm nervous, tense or somethin'.

Tony Soprano: [Referring to Paulie] you should've seen him out there, he could handle himself his got the balls of twenty year old, his my friend but can't stop, his such s bladder mouth, he asks me not tell anyone about his prostate I say "sure" then he tells everybody
Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta: He was always like that, You forgot, one time I fell asleep while he was on the phone, I wake up twenty minutes later and he was still going
Tony Soprano: I've got to say, it concerns me lately
Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta: People live alone and they get like that it's sad
Tony Soprano: [Referring to Beanie's wife] you married a good woman the way she stood by you?
Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta: That's what Paulie doesn't have and I'm speaking to your point, his got no wife and no kids
Tony Soprano: His got so steady income stream either, except for Barone which is coming to an end, I told him if you can't legitimate income your vulnerable to the Feds he don't do shit about it
Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta: I think you're worrying for nothing
Tony Soprano: Things are going great finally, maybe I'm just waiting "for the other shoe to drop"
Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta: All I know is Paulie Gualtieri is a standup guy
Tony Soprano: Has he been ever to the test? He had this painting in his house, I was all dressed up as a general
Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta: [laughing] I heard about that
Tony Soprano: It pissed me off I thought it was a fucking joke but now I don't think it was
Peter 'Beansie' Gaeta: He loves Tony, your all his got, you, the guys, and his image
Tony Soprano: I love him too


"The Sopranos: Long Term Parking (#5.12)" (2004)
[referring to Adrianna's health]
Tony Soprano: Are you still feeling sick, Hon?
Christopher Moltisanti: Please! They've gotta replace her colon with a semi-colon.

Phil Leotardo: Anybody ever die in your arms, you cocksucker? A family member, somebody you love?
Tony Soprano: No.
Phil Leotardo: Well, give it time. See if I can't make that happen for you.

Tony Soprano: [referring to Phil Leotardo, who just insulted Tony's crew and left the room] Was that fuckin' necessary? He shouldn't even have been here!
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: He's got a right to be here. He's got a right to *a lot* of things right now.
Tony Soprano: [referring to Tony Blundetto] My cousin acted alone. I did not sanction this.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: [referring sarcastically to JFK assassination] The "lone gunman" theory.
Tony Soprano: You know how close he and Angelo were in the can. He flipped the fuck out!
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: When he whacked Joey Peeps, what flipped him out that time?
Tony Soprano: Whaddaya, whaddaya want, John? What do you want me to say?
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: I want your cousin on a FUCKING SPIT!

Tony Soprano: Look, Tony's in hiding, John.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: You either deliver that prick to my door, or I will rain a shitstorm down on you and your family like you have NEVER fucking seen.
[pause]
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: We're done here.


"The Sopranos: The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti (#1.8)" (1999)
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Is it true that the Chinese invented spaghetti?
Tony Soprano: Now think about it. Why would people who eat with sticks invent something you need a fork to eat?

Larry Boy Barese: Oh, Mama Livia. Come sta, darling?
Livia Soprano: Listen to him with that 'my darling'. I am nobody's darling.
Larry Boy Barese: [to Tony] This one here, she never disappoints, I tell ya that.
Livia Soprano: Are you still seeing your other women, Lorenzo?
Carmela Soprano: [pulls her away] Come on, Ma. Let's mingle.
Tony Soprano: Sorry. The older she gets the worse she gets.

[after hearing bad news, Tony and Carmela need to relocate hidden money, guns and... ]
Tony Soprano: All right. You'd better give me your jewelry.
[Carmela sighs with chagrin]
Tony Soprano: Hey, they know we can't produce receipts. You want 'em stealing this stuff from us?
[after Carmela removes her necklace, Tony points to her diamond ring and Carmela balks]
Tony Soprano: Come on.
Carmela Soprano: I'm not giving you my engagement ring. This isn't stolen!
[beat, then frown]
Carmela Soprano: Is it?
Tony Soprano: No!
[beat]
Tony Soprano: What do you think I am?
[Carmela sighs again]

Tony Soprano: [Tony gets into Christopher's car and punches his head in anger] What the fuck is wrong with you?
Christopher Moltisanti: Didn't Paulie tell you I haven't been feeling good?
Tony Soprano: I wipe my ass with your feelings.
Christopher Moltisanti: Thanks, thanks a lot
Tony Soprano: Drive the fucking car, we're under the microscope and I heard you shot some civilian in the foot because he made you wait for buns?
Christopher Moltisanti: Fucking Paulie
Tony Soprano: Don't blame fucking paulie, Makazian comes to me and tells me Nutley PD has got a description make and of the car, why don't you leave a fucking urine sample next time?
Christopher Moltisanti: If I could've...
Tony Soprano: [shouting] SHUT UP and Georgie comes into the club his got vomit all over his shirt I ask him what the fuck, he says your digging up somebody you clipped three months ago
Christopher Moltisanti: I was...
Tony Soprano: [shouting] SHUT UP, people that shit they want to get caught
Christopher Moltisanti: I want to get caught?
Tony Soprano: Yeah you want to get aught I've seen that before that's cowboy-itis you want to be a big bad guy Christopher?
Christopher Moltisanti: I was worried I didn't...
Tony Soprano: [shouting] SHUT UP
Christopher Moltisanti: Can I try and explain here? I don't know it's just the regularness of life it's just too hard for me or something I don't know
Tony Soprano: [Patting and rubbing Christopher's head] Look at you. I bet you're sleeping all the time right?
Christopher Moltisanti: It's the only thing I still enjoy. You know what I think? Maybe I have cancer, remember how Jackie got it?
Tony Soprano: Cancer?
Christopher Moltisanti: Something horrible is going on inside my body, there's a physical change or something
Tony Soprano: does this word cancer pop into your head a lot, or a little bit or what?
Christopher Moltisanti: [Confused] What?
Tony Soprano: I'm thinking maybe your depressed.
Christopher Moltisanti: Me? I'm no fucking "mental midget"
Tony Soprano: Right.


"The Sopranos: Live Free or Die (#6.6)" (2006)
Construction Worker: [Tony and Silvio are looking for Vito after he's been outed as a homosexual. Tony calls Vito's cellphone. A construction worker picks the phone up off the side of the road] Hello?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] Vito?
Silvio Dante: You got him?
Construction Worker: [on phone] Who?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] Put Vito on the phone, asshole.
Construction Worker: [on phone] Fuck you, motherfucker.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] What, are you sucking his dick?
Construction Worker: [on phone] Bet I'd kick your ass, you fucking faggot.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone, yelling] Yeah that's right, telephone tough guy! Put Vito on the phone!
Construction Worker: [on phone] There ain't no Vito, man. I found the phone on the side of the road!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] What?
Construction Worker: [on phone] Hang on a second!
[the construction worker tosses Vito's phone under a steam roller]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] Where'd you find the phone? Hello? Hello? Oh you motherfucker!
Silvio Dante: What happened?

Carlo Gervasi: [Asking Finn what he saw Vito was doing with the security guard] ,"catching" not "pitching"?
Finn Detrolio: [Nods] his not going to know I told you?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You're going to have no problem from Vito, believe me
Finn Detrolio: [Nervously] what are you going to do?
Christopher Moltisanti: It'll be ok, we'll get him into therapy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Giving Finn money] why don't you go out front get yourself a sandwich and a soda, any kind you like when we're done here somebody will drive you back
[Finn takes the money and leaves]
Christopher Moltisanti: [laughing] I want to kill the fat fagot myself it'd be a fucking honor cut off his pishadeel and feed it to him
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to everybody] there's no mistake now
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [Yelling] I can't believe I stuck up for him I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: We can't have him in our social club anymore that much I do know
Carlo Gervasi: "Social club"? He's got to go
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I want to think about it
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I don't know
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [Stands up yelling] what the fuck is there to think about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to paulie] sit down
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [Yelling] fuck that I'll say it again, what the fuck is there to think about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Yelling] are you going to take care of his kids? When his gone?
Christopher Moltisanti: That's true, they didn't do anything poor little guys
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: [to tony] I'm sorry if I yelled it's just how much betrayal can I take?
Christopher Moltisanti: Vito a fag, big construction tycoon, when he was always talking about "greasing the union who knew that's what he meant?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to everybody] this stays in these four walls

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? It's 2006, there's pillow biters in the special services
Silvio Dante: [Referring to Vito] let me ask you something: for the sake of argument let's say he shows up, are you going to kiss this guy on both cheeks?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Remains silent]
Silvio Dante: Take, Paulie for example you know perfectly well guys like him don't kick up their full percent to you, you look the other way, it's the price of doing business, by you cutting him some slack now that his "out of the closet" it'll be just the excuse for guys to go off the reservation and start holding back some serious money

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A lot of your circle must have done jail time. They can't be strangers to male-male sexual contact.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You get a pass for that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's nice.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, what are you gonan do? There's no women there. You're there five, ten years.
[pauses]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Just for the record, my incarceration was very short term, so I never had any need for any anal... you know.


"The Sopranos: Soprano Home Movies (#6.13)" (2007)
[playing Monopoly]
Janice Soprano: Boardwalk. I own it.
Tony Soprano: And you blew guys under it.

[playing Monopoly]
Janice Soprano: [reading card aloud] "Second prize in a beauty contest collect $10." Go ahead, make your stupid joke.
Tony Soprano: I got nothing to say.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Think I'll buy a railroad.
Tony Soprano: A German shepherd's shaved asshole won first prize.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Oh! You're talkin' about my wife.
Tony Soprano: You married her.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: It's my home. No more talkin' like that.
Janice Soprano: It's OK, Bobby.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Stay outta this! You Sopranos. You go too far.
Tony Soprano: Alright, you know, Jan, he's right. I'm sorry. I crossed the line. I apologize. Won't happen again.
Tony Soprano: [quietly begins singing "Under the Boardwalk"] Under the Boardwalk. With a schlong in Jan's mouth. Under the...
[Bobby punches Tony in the face. The two have a fistfight]

Tony Soprano: My estimate, historically? Eighty percent of the time it ends up in the can like Johnny Sack. Or on the embalming table at Cozzarelli's.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Don't even say it.
Tony Soprano: No risk, no reward.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I mean, our line of work, it's always out there. You probably don't even hear it when it happens, right?
Tony Soprano: Ask your friend there on the wall.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: [laughs] Listen to us. Morbid fucks.
Tony Soprano: You know, come to think of it, you never popped your cherry in that regard, right?
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Nah.
Tony Soprano: Your old man was the fuckin' Terminator.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: I come close. I done other shit but... no.
Tony Soprano: A salut. A big fat pain in the balls.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Especially now with DNA evidence. My pop never wanted it for me. Said there were times, with all the worry, that he wished he coulda just stayed in the shop full-time, just cut hair.
Tony Soprano: To be honest, I'd rather he fuckin' shot me than cut my hair.
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: [laughs]

Janice Soprano: You want to swap family stories Tone? How about the time when Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa?
Tony Soprano: That's enough Janice!
Janice Soprano: [laughing] Mom's hair!
Tony Soprano: That didn't even happen! And anyway, it's not for public concern!
Carmela Soprano: What? Oh my God! What?
Janice Soprano: They were driving back from Manhattan, with Uncle June and his goomar. Oh! What was her name?
Tony Soprano: Your ass!
Janice Soprano: That's how we heard the story through her...
[remembering]
Janice Soprano: Rosemary. My father's driving, and she's ragging on his ass. You know how she gets. He's been drinking, I guess. And he takes out his gun!
Carmela Soprano: Oh my God!
Janice Soprano: BOOM!
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: Holy shit!
[Tony looks embarrassed]
Janice Soprano: Fuckin' blew right through her beehive hairdo!
[Carmela, Janice and Bobby burst out laughing]
Carmela Soprano: [laughing] I can't believe you never told me that story!
Janice Soprano: Yeah! What's the big deal!
Tony Soprano: 'Cause it makes us look like a fuckin' dysfunctional family!
[cursing]
Tony Soprano: Jesus Christ!
Janice Soprano: My turn!
Tony Soprano: [to Carmela] And don't you ever tell the kids that about their grandfather!
Carmela Soprano: Of course not!


"The Sopranos: Unidentified Black Males (#5.9)" (2004)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Turns out somebody got a look at the guy who did Joe Peeps. All they got so far is he's got a bad limp.
Tony Blundetto: Huh. Long John Silver maybe.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're entitled to shit!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: To what do I owe this pleasure?
Carmela Soprano: I don't know if you'll see it that way I asked you to lunch to tell you I'm filing for divorce
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's nice, you invite me to a public place so you can ambush me? So you think I won't make a scene?
Carmela Soprano: Spare me your outrage accept the fact that I'm moving on with my life
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Moving on? That's what you were doing after the party last week?
Carmela Soprano: You and I both know that didn't change anything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: First of all we're Italian, we don't believe in divorce, we believe in the nuclear family
Carmela Soprano: Despite your best efforts I have attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of AJ and an equitable distribution of our assets
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Our assets?
Carmela Soprano: I am through in trying to get you to provide beyond the minimum for me to live
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So it's all fucking money? That's all this is to you?
Carmela Soprano: After all we've been through is it so hard to own up to that bullshit tax return?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want money? What about the forty grand you stole from the bird feeder? You're such an investment genius
Carmela Soprano: You want this to get ugly? Because these guys live for that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And you think I don't? The only reason you have anything is because of my fucking sweat you knew every step of the way where the money comes from, you walk around in that mansion in your five hundred dollar shoes and diamond rings and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, you don't want it to get ugly? Too late
Carmela Soprano: I want what I'm entitled to


"The Sopranos: Do Not Resuscitate (#2.2)" (2000)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If I were you, I would seriously consider salads!
[Leaves]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: Why won't you take a look in a mirror, you insensitive fuck!

Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri: To the victor goes the spoils!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Now, get the fuck outta here before I shoved that quotation book up your fat fucking ass!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me!
Reverend James Sr.: Jesus ain't got nothing to do with it.


"The Sopranos: Army of One (#3.13)" (2001)
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Tony, please, for my father.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The warranty on his death certificate expired two weeks ago. Your bullshit expired along with it!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [opens the compact fridge, slams it and gives it a good kicking] I been dreaming of that fucking lo mein all the way the fuck over here. Now, who came in here and ate my shit?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I work hard all day to pay for this, six thousand square foot house big screen TV food on the table, video games all kinds of scooters and bicycles, Columbia University and for what? to come home to this?
A.J. Soprano: Sucks to be you
[slaps AJ]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's more where that came from! We're starting a new regime around here!


"The Sopranos: University (#3.6)" (2001)
Tracee: I'm pregnant. It's Ralphie's.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Congratulations.
Tracee: What should I do? He acts like he doesn't give a shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You ever think he's not acting?

Carmela Soprano: I think you should pay him, Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No fucking way!
Carmela Soprano: What, your daughter's future isn't worth 50,000 dollars?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's not it. That motherfucker's full of shit. He's shaking me down.
Carmela Soprano: No, he's not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?

Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Cocksucker was way out of line!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: 20 years old, this girl!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: That too.


"The Sopranos: Cold Cuts (#5.10)" (2004)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think it's "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What did I say?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on Janice's calm discipline after Anger Management classes] Mahatma Gandhi over here. Nice.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony storms into Janice and Bobby's home after he saw a news report that showed Janice was arrested for fighting with a parent during a children's soccer game] Where is she?
Janice Soprano: It wasn't my fault.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My name was all over the TV because of your bullshit!
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: It's not simple, apparently that woman's kid was picking on Sophia.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Bobby and Janice] Why didn't they collar her then?
Janice Soprano: I am suing the township for "wrongful arrest."
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No you're not! What you're going to do is, you're going to call my lawyer, plea it down, pay the fine and not turn this into one of your cause célèbres.
Janice Soprano: You'd take anybody's side but mine, that bitch is lucky I didn't kill her.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: we know that
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: [Confused] What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [To Janice] You and your temper
Janice Soprano: [to Tony] Get out!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Bobby] This is the end of it.
Janice Soprano: [yelling louder] Get out!
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: [Tony goes outside and Bobby follows him] I know this looks bad, but on the other hand, she called Sophia her daughter.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't give a fuck., OK I do give a fuck. How many times do I have to tell you? Get control of your wife!


"The Sopranos: From Where to Eternity (#2.9)" (2000)
[Matt is tied down and has just finished being interrogated by Tony]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: See if we got something to drink. So what can I get you? You want a Fanta, something like that?
[Matt takes a sip]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: How is that? I mean, you sure you want a diet drink? You don't want something with some sugar in it?
Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiro: There's only diet.
Matthew Bevilaqua: It's good.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You finished?
Matthew Bevilaqua: Thank you, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: 'Cause that sugarless motherfucker, it's the last fucking drink you're ever gonna have!
[shoots him]

Christopher Moltisanti: I'm going to hell, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're not going anywheres but home.
Christopher Moltisanti: I crossed over to the other side.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You what?
Christopher Moltisanti: I saw the tunnel. And the white light. I saw my father in hell.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the fuck outta here!
Christopher Moltisanti: And the bouncer said that I'd be there, too, when my time comes.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: What bouncer?
Christopher Moltisanti: The Emerald Piper. That's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day every day forever.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Excuse me, let me tell you something... When America opened up the floodgates and let all us Italians in, what do you think they were doing it for? 'Cause they were trying to save us from poverty? No, they did it because they needed us. They needed us to build their cities and dig their subways, and to make them richer. The Carnegies and The Rockerfellers: they needed worker bees and there we were. But some of us didn't want to swarm around their hive and lose who we were. We wanted to stay Italian and preserve the things that meant something to us: honor and family and loyalty... and some of us wanted a piece of the action. Now we weren't educated like the Americans, but we had the BALLS to take what we wanted! And those other folks, those other... the, the JP Morgans, they were crooks and killers too, but that was the business right? The American Way.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That might all be true, but what do poor Itailian immigrants have to do with you and what happens every morning you step out of bed?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck is this all of a sudden?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm just asking a question.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, so YOU'RE taking a stand now, huh? You pick HERE to make a stand? After all this time telling me that nothing's my fault, because of poor parenting. You pick now to act like Betsy "Fuckin'" Ross! When my nephew is in the fuckin' hospital! He might not get out!


"The Sopranos: Luxury Lounge (#6.7)" (2006)
Tony Soprano: [to Benny] You don't shit where you eat. And you especially don't shit where *I* eat.

Tony Soprano: Well, listen, the other day I was driving along, thinking about your little problem. How bout a promotion? Coupon, two for one.
Artie Bucco: Two-fers. Wow. You mean like you get a free spaghetti and meatballs if you bring another cheap comare douchebag in here? How 'bout an early bird special? Salad wagon? This is a fine dining establishment. I'll give it back to the bank before I turn into a fucking IHOP!

Tony Soprano: You bitch and you moan, and you blame everybody else for your problems. Instead of maybe not letting the Mexicans do all the cooking for you, or maybe changing the menu, or changing the decorum.
Artie Bucco: I guess because you know how to eat, you know how to run a restaurant.
Tony Soprano: On one of the bleakest nights of my life, after the shit with my mother, and that fucking storm outside, I came here. To this place. I sat out there with Carm and my two kids and we ate and we drank and we were so happy to be here. More than any other place in the world. And you know I'm gonna eat here til I fall off the chair. But in business sometimes shit happens, the playing field changes, whatever. And you gotta do whatever you gotta do to keep your dick up.
Artie Bucco: If you hate it here so much, why don't you go Don Giovanni. See if he'll cook you that bland shit for your shattered pancreas.
Tony Soprano: [pauses] Alright, I'll tell you one thing. And this is very hard. Nobody wants to hear you talk. They're trying to eat out there, and you come along, with your corny jokes, and your stupid stories. Just stay in the kitchen. That'd be a start.


"The Sopranos: The Happy Wanderer (#2.6)" (2000)
Silvio Dante: [losing at poker as Matt Bevilaqua tries to sweep up the crumbs under his chair] What the fuck are YOU doing?
Tony Soprano: Sil, take it easy.
Silvio Dante: I'm losing my balls over heeeere! This fuckin' moron's playing Hazel? Get the fuck outta here!
Matt Bevilaqua: I was just trying to sweep the cheese away from...
Silvio Dante: Why? Why NOW? Leave it there!
Matt Bevilaqua: I don't know, I was just...
Silvio Dante: What?
[to Tony]
Silvio Dante: Where do you get these fuckin' idiots, huh? Where do you get 'em? He's sweeping the cheese, I'm trying ta...
[to Matt, shouting]
Silvio Dante: Leave the fuckin' cheese there! All right? I love fuckin' cheese at my feet! I stick motherfuckin' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning! All right? So leave the fuckin' cocksuckin' cheese WHERE IT IS!
[Scoops the rest of the food from his plate onto the floor]
Silvio Dante: Here, here, here! Go ahead. Have a good time!
[Sits back down to make a bet]
Silvio Dante: 800.
Dr. Ira Freid: Call.
Silvio Dante: [to Dr. Fried] And why don't you go fix a fuckin' dick or whatever the fuck it is you do.

Tony Soprano: [Meadow refusing to accept a SUV from Tony as a gift] You don't want it? Fine, don't take it but I'll eat it before I give it back what am I a sucker? The guy owed me money and he did the right thing and offered the car as partial payment, you want to act holier than now? You right ahead but I'm not giving it back ,I'm going to take it and sell it to Pussy and use the money to buy clothes and food and shoes and cd players and all the rest of this shit I've been buying since the day you were born, everything this family has comes from the work I do a grown man made a wager, he lost he made another one, he lost again end of story, so take that high moral ground and sleep at the fucking bus station if you want

Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: He was my younger brother. He was between me and your father in age. His name was Eckley. Actually, Ercoli. Hercules. Named after my grandfather.
Tony Soprano: What are you saying? I got another uncle?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Sharp as a fucking cue ball. Yeah, I'm saying. Your father and me had a brother you didn't know about. It was different in those days. Mother and father didn't even speak the language. They couldn't take care of a kid like that. God bless your grandmother. She went to every charity home in this fucking state till she found one that she felt would take good care of him.
Tony Soprano: What are you saying, he was retarded?
Corrado 'Junior' Soprano: Why don't you go fuck yourself. He was slow! He was strong as a fucking bull, handsome like George Raft. If it was today, they might have trained him. Get him a job. They didn't understand these things back then.
Tony Soprano: I remember my mother and father arguing about - something. I don't know. She kept talking about my father's feeble-minded brother, but I always thought she meant you.


"The Sopranos: Fortunate Son (#3.3)" (2001)
Tony Soprano: [to Christopher and Eugene] Once you're into this family, there's no getting out.

Tony Soprano: [to Christopher and Eugene during their making ceremony] you know why we're here, if you have any or reservations now is the time to say so, no one will think less of you this family comes before anything else EVERYTHING before your wife and your children and your mother and your father it's a thing of honor and God forbid you get sick and something happens to you and you can't earn we'll take care of you because that's part of it
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: If you have a problem you just have to let somebody know
[turns to tony this man right here]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: his like your father it doesn't matter if it's somebody here or the outside you bring it to him and he'll solve it for you
Tony Soprano: You stay within the family, give me your hand
[tony takes a needle from Paulie and pricks a finger from Christopher and Eugene]
Tony Soprano: that's St. Peter, my family's saint as that card burns so may your soul burn in hell if you betray your friends in your family
[puts the burning St. Peter card in Christopher and Eugene's hands]
Tony Soprano: now rub your hands like this and repeat after me: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends
Christopher Moltisanti: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends
Eugene Pontecorvo: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends
Tony Soprano: Congratulations
[everyone applauses]

Tony Soprano: [to Jackie Jr] I'm going to say a few things: I'm just going to say some bad words and your just going to have to deal with it, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I clipped your uncle. I didn't. I got some bad news for you your uncle was a rat. I've known you since you were a kid, I'm practically a member of your family and this hurt all of us.


"The Sopranos: Meadowlands (#1.4)" (1999)
Tony Soprano: [sees Vin urinating] What the hell are you doing?
Det. Vin Makazian: This place is an hour away from my office.
Tony Soprano: An hour? What are you, a woman? Get a bladder transplant. My mother lives here.

Tony Soprano: [after stapling Mikey's chest] What are you screaming about? Free alterations!

Tony Soprano: I'm havin' second thoughts.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: About?
Tony Soprano: This whole thing. This whole arrangement. Security. I mean I come here, I tell you things, I don't know how safe it is.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I understand your concerns. But I told you what the ground rules are. As long as I don't hear anything incriminating...
Tony Soprano: You don't fuckin' get it. Bein' here incriminates me. Somebody sees me, they tell somebody else. All of a sudden, I'm a celebrity.


"The Sopranos: Chasing It (#6.16)" (2007)
Tony Soprano: Marie Spatafore came to see me. She wants a hundred grand to relocate on account of Vito, Jr. already has his own social worker.
Phil Leotardo: Patty told me there was doin's. I guess the turd doesn't fall far from the faggot's ass

Tony Soprano: [about Hesh] Did you see that pissy attitude? Come all the way out here to pick him up. Not to mention, give him his fuckin' vig in person. I mean, you believe this fuckin' guy?
Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: You should tell him to go fuck himself and his 200K. And what's he gonna do about it?
Tony Soprano: And not pay my debts? Head of the family? How's that gonna look?
Carlo Gervasi: Who's gonna know? It's like Eddie Valentine.
Tony Soprano: The guy from Philly? With the polio leg and the built up shoe?
Carlo Gervasi: Nah, from the fuckin' "Twilight Zone". You musta seen that one. He's a small time hood, he gets shot...
Tony Soprano: Maybe you should start sucking cock instead of watching TV Land 'cause Vito brought in three times what you do on construction! Yeah! And I didn't have this fuckin' problem!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony is at Dr. Melfi's shortly after having a monetary dispute with Hesh] You got a lot of Jews in your business right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What do you mean?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This.
[surveys her office]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: . You gotta hand it to 'em. When it comes to money.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've found that that's nothing more than an ugly stereotype.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Really? Because I got a friend, you tie a krugerrand to a fishing line, you're gonna land him.
[makes a sound emulating a fishing line being reeled in]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: . Right up on the dock.


"The Sopranos: D-Girl (#2.7)" (2000)
Tony Soprano: Well, when you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.
Tony Soprano: Fucking Internet.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm gonna go back in there and be with my guests. Exactly ten minutes, I'm gonna look up, if you're not here i'm gonna assume that you went to look for whatever the fuck it is that's calling you out there. And then I will never see you again. If you are still here, then I'm gonna assume that you have no other desire in the world than to be with me. And your actions will show me that every second of every fucking day. You understand me? Don't answer me. Take the ten minutes, you think about it.


"The Sopranos: The Knight in White Satin Armor (#2.12)" (2000)
Janice Soprano: [referring to Richie] What'd you do with him?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Sarcastically] We buried him. On a hill. Overlooking a little river. With pine cones all around.
Janice Soprano: [surprised] you did?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: oh Jesus, what the fuck?, What'd you care what we did we him?
Janice Soprano: I loved him so much
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Sarcastically] all in all, I'd say it wasn't a bad visit.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Richie] Those who want respect, give respect.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My future brother-in-law is causing a serious problem.
Silvio Dante: How serious?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He's not satisfied with the current leadership. He wants to have me popped.
Silvio Dante: That motherfucker.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So now I gotta decide what to do about him.
Silvio Dante: I genuinely don't think there's anything to gain by keeping him around.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get it done.


"The Sopranos: The Weight (#4.4)" (2002)
Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe Vesuvio's is bugged and it's Feds who told Johnny.
Silvio Dante: What, conspiracy theories now?
Christopher Moltisanti: Why not? Play captains against each other, create a little dysentery among the ranks?
Tony Soprano: First of all, the place is swiped for bugs twice a month. Second, there are much more interesting things being said at that place than Ginny Sack's fat ass!

Tony Soprano: Twenty years I've been friends with John, now his got to go
Christopher Moltisanti: All over a stupid joke
Ralph Cifaretto: [to Silvo, Christopher and Tony] I was fucking around for Christ's sake you never made a joke about Ginny Sack?
Silvio Dante: Of course not
Silvio Dante: No, never
Christopher Moltisanti: Not like that
Ralph Cifaretto: Yeah, well fuck him and his high polluting bullshit who does he think he is? Sir Walter Raleigh?
Tony Soprano: That's enough of you and your stupid fucking remarks, go back to Miami and play volleyball or whatever the fuck it is you do down there while we clean up your fucking mess, maybe keep your ass alive

Junior Soprano: [During a sit down meeting over the speakerphone] Ralph insulted John's wife?
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: That's correct
Junior Soprano: What did he do exactly?
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: He made a very hurtful remark that's not worth repeating
Silvio Dante: Let's point out too it's only been "alleged" on what he said
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: He "allegedly" said what he said to a group of people: "friends of ours"
Junior Soprano: If you weren't there how do you know it's true?
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: I'm not at liberty to say
Tony Soprano: With all due respect but this is bullshit somebody in my family is talking out of school and you don't have the liberty to who? I should be making the beef here
Junior Soprano: My nephew's right
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: I want to average her honor, this is my right to do
Tony Soprano: Alright fine you bring in here who ever told you, if he collaborates with what you're saying I'll give you ralph on a platter
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: Is nothing scared? What happened to this thing? If this was years ago would I even have to ask? We bend more rules than the Catholic Church
Tony Soprano: Let's just say for the of argument ralph said what he said is clipping him going to un-ring that bell?
Carmine Lupertazzi: Nobody's getting clipped
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: I want satisfaction
Silvio Dante: Will you accept an apology?
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: That ship that has sailed
Carmine Lupertazzi: Your being unreasonable John
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: Ralph's the only one who can handle the Esplanade? Put the other guy in
Carmine Lupertazzi: There's millions of dollars are at stake
Johnny 'Sack' Sacramoni: Again with the money?
Carmine Lupertazzi: Yeah, again with the money, it's settled name a price or the fuck over it
[John leaves]


"The Sopranos: Johnny Cakes (#6.8)" (2006)
Tony Soprano: YOU STUPID FUCKIN' MORON! You realized what could have happened to you if we didn't have connections? Some cop goes by the book and they charge you with attempted murder! You hear me! Attempted murder, then what? THEN WHAT?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: He shot you! Were you just gonna let him fucking get away with it?
Tony Soprano: I told you that's my business not yours! And what did you do? Nothing! Zero a big fucking jerk-off!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: FUCK YOU!
Tony Soprano: I oughta break your fucking neck!
[Tony grabs him forcingly and lets a sobbing A.J. go]
Tony Soprano: Stop cryin'! Stop cryin'!
[pause for a moment]
Tony Soprano: I guess your heart was in the right place A.J. But it's wrong. Come on!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: What?
Tony Soprano: It's not in your nature!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: You don't know me! Alright! You don't know anything about me!
Tony Soprano: You're a nice guy! And I'm greatful for that!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Well you're a fucking hypocrite! Because everytime we watch "Godfather". When Michael Corleone shoots those guys at the restaurant, those assholes who tried to kill his dad. You sit there with your fucking bowl of ice cream and say it's your favorite scene of all time!

Tony Soprano: Hey, Mrs. Conte. Come stai? How is the hip?
Mrs. Conte: Hey Anthony, oh I need your help!
Tony Soprano: What?
Mrs. Conte: Those Nigger fucking whores, they play that music so loud!
Tony Soprano: That's not nice. And those are Puerto Ricans.
Mrs. Conte: I asked them nice to turn it down, they tell me to go fuck myself!
Tony Soprano: ...I'll see what I can do.
Mrs. Conte: Thanks.

Tony Soprano: [Outside the police station] Jesus Christ AJ, you make me want to cry, it's just a movie you've got to grow up, you're not a little kid anymore, you hear me? You've got to grow up, don't tell your mother about this


"The Sopranos: Amour Fou (#3.12)" (2001)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Chris Moltisanti] You may not love me but you will respect me!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All right, spit it out. Whenever I bring her up you get this weird puss and then you ask me, "does she seem happy?" like maybe she's not. Or, "does she remind you of somebody?" with that weird puss on, like you don't like it. "Our mo fo" or whatever the fuck you call our relationship!


"The Sopranos: Watching Too Much Television (#4.7)" (2002)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, the language! Do you blow your father with that mouth?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's a great girl, you don't want to lose this one
Silvio Dante: T's right, you could have more kids than the Kennedys, if you're married to some twat what good is it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You've got to have balance in a relationship
Christopher Moltisanti: I know all that, what if the kid thing never happens?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Come on, medicine today, technology
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: This isn't about Ade or anyone else, stay single as long as you can
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you saying?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: But marriage and our thing don't jive
Silvio Dante: Everybody we know is married
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Not everybody
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want to end up like my Uncle Junior?
Silvio Dante: Or worse, Paulie?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Exactly
Christopher Moltisanti: Alright I've got to think about it


"The Sopranos: Proshai, Livushka (#3.2)" (2001)
[Tony disapproves of Meadow's new boyfriend because he is black]
Carmela Soprano: If you want her to be with him, just keep playing the race card. You're gonna drive her right into his arms.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not if I cut off those fuckin' arms.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I brought you some books on tape since you say you can't concentrate to read.
Livia Soprano: I wish The Lord would take me now!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well... in the meantime.


"The Sopranos: Mr. & Mrs. John Sacrimoni Request (#6.5)" (2006)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You make your own luck in life.

Phil Leotardo: [after Johnny Sack bursts into tears after being arrested by the FBI in front of everyone] I'll tell you this, my estimation about John Sacrimoni as a man, just fucking plummeted.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Give him a break, will ya? It's an emotional day.
Phil Leotardo: To cry like a woman? It's a fucking disgrace!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: It's fucking coach turned into a pumpkin.
Phil Leotardo: Even Cinderella didn't cry!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, when it comes to daughters, all bets are off. I've seen tougher guys than John cry at weddings.
Phil Leotardo: OK, but let me ask you this: if they can make him cry, and if he's that weak, what the fuck else can they make him do?
Christopher Moltisanti: I gotta agree with Phil, Tone.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [angrily] Oh you do, do ya?
Wedding Guest: Terrible out there, huh?
Phil Leotardo: He's an emotional man. LOVES his daughter.


"The Sopranos: The Telltale Moozadell (#3.9)" (2001)
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your thoughts have sort-of an Eastern flavor to them.
Tony Soprano: Well, I've lived in Jersey all my life.

Carmela Soprano: Jackie Junior took her into the city to see, "Aida".
Tony Soprano: I ate her?


"The Sopranos: In Camelot (#5.7)" (2004)
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was it like sitting sitting there with Fran?
Tony Soprano: It was a little weird at first. Here I am comforting my father's mistress, my mother's lyin' there dead.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you attracted to her?
Tony Soprano: Come on, she's old enough to be my mother.
[Dr. Melfi shrugs]
Tony Soprano: Oh, Jesus Christ, it's an expression. Don't cream yourself. I did not want to fuck my mother! You should have seen her in her housedress with that hairnet. This conversation would be over in two seconds.

Fran Felstein: I was sorry to hear about your mother.
Tony Soprano: Least she didn't suffer.
[pause]
Tony Soprano: She made all of us suffer instead.


"The Sopranos: Another Toothpick (#3.5)" (2001)
[Tony and Carmela are arguing during their joint therapy session]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're both very angry.
Tony Soprano: Yeah, you must have been at the top of your fuckin' class.

[at the hospital, visiting Bryan Spatafore who has been beaten into a coma by Mustang Sally]
Tony Soprano: All right, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this?
Vito Spatafore: I'm upset, but please... I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph Cifaretto: Unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.


"The Sopranos: He Is Risen (#3.8)" (2001)
Tony Soprano: Grandpa... did he ever work for somebody named Trillo, owned a lumber yard?
Junior Soprano: My father was a master stone mason. He never cut fucking wood.

Silvio Dante: [Referring to Ralph] He said, "another time Anthony"
Tony Soprano: Cock sucker turns his back on the boss?
Silvio Dante: That, I couldn't believe
Tony Soprano: His lucky I didn't put one in his head
Silvio Dante: Don't be surprised if Paulie pops up the question, Raphine's star is rising, no one can handle all those unions, Pauline can't come up with that kind of cash for us
Tony Soprano: Ralph's a good earner
Silvio Dante: A guy like that, a loose cannon, if he'd be leaving your house he'd pull a "Jack Ruby" on you
Tony Soprano: I want to punch this fucking asshole
Silvio Dante: Frankly I was a little surprised
Tony Soprano: Oh, you're going to start with me now? He disrespected The Bing
Silvio Dante: So? His barred from the place
Tony Soprano: He bashed that poor girl's brains in
Silvio Dante: I hear you, I know, it was a tragedy, the fact is: she was not related to you by blood or marriage, she was not your comare, Ralph's a made guy, with all things considered his not a legitimate beef, make him disappear or make nice, you only got two choices I was suggesting in some way of an apology
Tony Soprano: Absolutely fucking not
Silvio Dante: Do something public to show that there's no bad blood


"The Sopranos: Kaisha (#6.12)" (2006)
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [In little Carmine's living room] As you all know, Phil asked me to arrange this meeting after the fire in the Wire Room
Phil Leotardo: Correction, you asked me to attend and I agreed
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Fair enough, I'm not going to call this a "sit-down" because of the negative implications, let's think of it as "a meeting of minds". So, for whatever reasons, certain incidents have expired lately, in addition to being dangerous, it could have an adverse impact on our businesses, that's bottom line.
Phil Leotardo: I know Vito's bottom was "impacted" if that's what you're referring to
Tony Soprano: Call him what you will, but you're talking about one of my captains
Phil Leotardo: Captain? "The Ship Lollipop" right?
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Phil, please
Phil Leotardo: Please my ass, the man was a fucking disgrace
Tony Soprano: Before he came out of the closet he worked for me and put a lot of paper in my pocket, yours too
Phil Leotardo: Talk about earners? How about "Fat Dom" Gamiello?
Silvio Dante: What about him?
Tony Soprano: So what fuck would I know about that?
Phil Leotardo: As coincidence would have it, he was last seen in New Jersey
Tony Soprano: So was the Hindenburg, maybe you should look into that too
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Tony, Phil, please we're going off point. Remember, I grew up in all of this and I just lost my friend Rusty and if there's one thing my father taught me was this: "a pint of blood is worth more than a gallon of milk". My business, all of our businesses... this fighting is costing money.
Tony Soprano: I'm willingly to move forward, let the past be bygone
Phil Leotardo: Fine with me.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: A Wise decision, on both your parts. I love to see a truce, wipe this day clean. The no-shows, The Wire Room, Vito, put it all behind us.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [to Phil] your brother Billy, whatever happened there.
Tony Soprano: [standing up] Alright then
Phil Leotardo: "whatever happened there.?"
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: the shooting
Phil Leotardo: [raising his voice] "whatever happened there.?"
Phil Leotardo: [Stands up and points at Tony] I'll tell you what happened: this piece of shit's cousin put six bullets without any provocation, what so ever.
Tony Soprano: [to Carmine] Jesus Christ, why would you possibly bring that up?


"The Sopranos: The Blue Comet (#6.20)" (2007)
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That Departures magazine out there. Did you give any thought at all to someone else who might wanna read before you tore out the entire page?
Tony Soprano: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's not the first time you've defaced my reading materials.
Tony Soprano: You saw that, huh? People tear shit outta your magazines all the time, they're a mess. I try to read 'em.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think I can help you.
Tony Soprano: Well, change 'em. Bring in some new shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I mean therapeutically.
Tony Soprano: What are you talkin' about? I've only missed three appointments since we had that heart-to-heart.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The new big thing these days is called psychodynamic therapy combined with Anafranil.
Tony Soprano: Who?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A medication. There's a doctor in Bloomfield you could see.
Tony Soprano: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, OK? Now what the fuck is this? You're, uh, firin' me 'cause I defaced your Departures magazine.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm giving you my considered medical opinion.
Tony Soprano: OK, I should've asked you for the steak recipe. And missin' sessions, unfortunately, is part of my condition.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What do you know about your condition? You miss appointments because you don't give a shit. About commitments, about what I do, about the body of work that's gone into building up this science!... Go ahead, tell me again I sound like your wife.
Tony Soprano: Well, if the shoe fits.
[Dr. Melfi stands up]
Tony Soprano: We're making progress! It's been seven years!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you want some names?
Tony Soprano: [stands up] OK, listen, I'm gonna tell you somethin' and you're not gonna like it. But we can say anything in here, right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Go ahead!
Tony Soprano: I'm chalkin' this all up to female menopausal situations.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're not my gynecologist.
Tony Soprano: Well, you don't need a gynecologist to know which way the wind blows.
[Dr. Melfi opens the door]
Tony Soprano: So, wait a minute. You tellin' me after all this time, after everything we've shared in here, you're cuttin' me loose just as my son got outta the hospital for tryin' to kill himself?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Since you are in crisis, I don't wanna waste your time.
Tony Soprano: You know, I gotta be fuckin' honest. As a doctor, I think what you're doin' is immoral.
[Tony walks out to the waiting room. He exaggeratedly places the page back in the magazine, looks at Dr. Melfi angrily and leaves. She closes the door]


"The Sopranos: House Arrest (#2.11)" (2000)
Tony Soprano: [to Richie Aprile] Don't give me your fucking Manson lamps. Just fucking stop it. Understand?


"The Sopranos: Christopher (#4.3)" (2002)
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: It says, in this book, that Christopher Columbus was a slave trader.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, you finally read a book and it's bullshit!


"The Sopranos: All Due Respect (#5.13)" (2004)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Phil has to understand that a punishment has been meted out, and what we are here for, in the end, is to provide, for our sons, our families, the future.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: He doesn't accept that. His family is smaller by one.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Then, my friend, it's up to you to make him accept that.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Me, huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's talk, John, about the 500-pound elephant in the room, which is that you started this cycle of bloodshed when you whacked that girl Carmine used to fuck.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Lorraine Caluzzo was not a girl. And what kind of a person bangs his third cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you, the friggin' cardinal? Look, you want to shut down our joint construction projects, eat K-rations, fine. You want Phil to put one into one of my guys, well, that's gonna take you a long way from the rich fuck you always wanted to be.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: So, what do you suggest?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Whatever his legitimate sorrow is, he's got a price, he wants to provide for his family.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: And?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Meet his price, and I don't want to hear anything else about it.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Oh, you don't?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I paid enough, John, I paid a lot.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Maybe I can sell it. Truth is, we had discussions. I gave him the sports book.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah? Why didn't you mention it before, you cheap fuck?
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Because I don't like it. He's gonna want a consiglieri, and who knows what...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All right, all right, let's not go backwards.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: Those people you run into who want to be the boss. They should know, huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I told you, but you don't listen, you nut.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni: It's nice, talking to you like that again.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm still looking forward to working with you, John.


"The Sopranos: Pine Barrens (#3.11)" (2001)
Tony Soprano: [over the phone] It's a bad connection so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Get the fuck outta here.
Tony Soprano: Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's like a Russian green beret. He can not come back and tell this story. You understand?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: I hear you.
[hangs up]
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You're not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. Guy was an interior decorator.
Christopher Moltisanti: His house looked like shit.


"The Sopranos: Employee of the Month (#3.4)" (2001)
Silvio Dante: Ginny told Gabriella she needed a bigger house.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Ginny Sacrimoni, what she needs is her own zip code.
Gigi Cestone: Jersey's a small state. She moves in, she could tip it over.
Furio Giunta: I like a woman you can grab onto something.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: You grab onto Ginny Sacrimoni, your fuckin' hands will disappear!
Silvio Dante: She's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: She's so fat, she goes campin', the bears have to hide their food.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When Ginny hauls ass, she's gotta make two trips.
Gigi Cestone: Two guys could fuck her at the same time, and still never meet!
Johnny Sack: [John walks in] Fuck who?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nobody, we're just talking about one of the girls
Johnny Sack: Is that all you dead beats talk about?, Pussy?


"The Sopranos: Rat Pack (#5.2)" (2004)
Tony Soprano: I tell you, I'm having a time. Stay out late. Come home drunk. Fuck anyone I want.
Silvio Dante: So what's the difference?
Tony Soprano: I don't know. It's a mind-set.


"The Sopranos: Calling All Cars (#4.11)" (2002)
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, there's this Russian woman. She told me something that's very true. She said, only here, in America, do we expect to be happy. I mean this woman, she had a terrible leg disease since she was 9. She was dirt poor. She's getting on with her life. I mean, over here, we come and we bitch to shrinks. I mean, what the fuck?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, part of that may be true. But, who said that after getting out of the dirt and the poverty, do we have to stop looking for pain and truth?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Pain and truth? Come on, I'm a fat fucking crook from New Jersey.


"The Sopranos: Join the Club (#6.2)" (2006)
Tony Soprano: You're a Smurf for 10 to 15 years, then you die, shitting in your pajamas.


"The Sopranos: A Hit Is a Hit (#1.10)" (1999)
Tony Soprano: My wife thinks I need to meet new people.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So?
Tony Soprano: C'mon, you're Italian, you understand. Guys like me we're brought up to think that Merigan are fuckin' bores. The truth is the average white man is no more boring than the millionth conversation over who should have won, Marciano or Ali.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So am I to understand that you don't consider yourself white?
Tony Soprano: I don't mean white like Caucasian. I mean a white man like our friend Cusamano. Now he's Italian, but he's Merigan. It's what my old man would have called a Wonder Bread wop. He eats his Sunday gravy out of a jar.


"The Sopranos: Everybody Hurts (#4.6)" (2002)
Tony Soprano: Did you ever know anybody that ever committed suicide?
Janice Soprano: Uhmm, plenty! I used to live in Seattle, Tony!


"The Sopranos: Stage 5 (#6.14)" (2007)
Tony Soprano: How was Florida?
Phil Leotardo: Hot and sticky, like my balls.


"The Sopranos: The Fleshy Part of the Thigh (#6.4)" (2006)
Bob Brewster: Some people would have you believe dinosaurs existed millions of years ago. It's just not true! God created the Earth six thousand years ago. And I tell my kids: 'You have to remember: dinosaurs and human beings lived on the Earth at the same time!'
Tony Soprano: What? Like the Flintstones?
Bob Brewster: It's in the Bible!
Tony Soprano: What about all that Carbon dating stuff? A lot of scientists would disagree with you!
Bob Brewster: I think you'll find those people all have an agenda, Tony: Evolution, which is Satan's plan to deny God! Evolution and Salvation are mutually exclusive!
Tony Soprano: Guy next door is a scientist. Think he'd disagree with you big time!
Bob Brewster: Then that man's not saved!


"The Sopranos: Big Girls Don't Cry (#2.5)" (2000)
Richie Aprile: [about Janice] We're adults, Tony. And we got history together.
Tony Soprano: Yeah. Israel and fuckin' Palestine.
Richie Aprile: People change. I was away a long time. I thought a lot about her.
Tony Soprano: Ten years, you thought about Janice? There are men in the can better looking than my sister.


"The Sopranos: Guy Walks Into a Psychiatrist's Office (#2.1)" (2000)
Tony Soprano: [about Janice] She's lucky she isn't here or I'd be bouncing her fucking head against the wall!


"The Sopranos: All Happy Families (#5.4)" (2004)
Feech La Manna: In my day...
Tony Soprano: That's another thing. I don't want to hear anymore how it was in your day. From now on, keep your antidotes to local color, like Dinoflow or Maguire sisters. Otherwise, SHUT THE FUCK UP!