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Quotes for
Pestario 'Pest' Vargas (Character)
from John Leguizamo: The Pest (1997)

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John Leguizamo: The Pest (1997)
[after his crotch caught on fire]
Pest: Fear not. The Pest line shall continue. My childrens have been savededed.

[after he pees his pants from fright]
Pest: I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the newspaper.

Pest: ...I hope you get violated by pig monkey men in the woods.

Pest: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the slickest of them all? It's the schemin'est, keenest scam artist. GOD, IT'S SO HARD TO BE MODEST.

Pest: Excuse me, but - ahh. Why do I gotta look like something out of "Jungle Book" and you guys all get the nice Banana Republic stuff?

Pest: So, you started a few wars. a-ite? Okay, you actually you started every war, but I mean who's counting; it's not like you ever won one, right?
[laughs and pulls Leo's pants down]
Leo: Ve kicked France's ass.
Pest: Oh please, like who hasn't?

Xantha: Anything you have to say to me... you can say it in front of Malaria.
Pest: Anything?
Xantha: Anything.
Pest: Alright. Malaria's got mossy teeth, dandruff, and a fat butt!
Xantha: PEST!
Malaria: These jeans make me look fat!
Pest: Ah no, Malaria, your fat butt makes you look fat!

Pest: So... uh... what was your snake's name?
Himmel: Cocteau.
Pest: [nervously] Coc-teau? Like the French playwright?
Himmel: Nein... After my two favorite body parts.

Pest: O MY GOD. Quacky. Quacky. What have they dided to you?
[Pretends to cry]
Pest: Which one is he?

Pest: "The United States of... Germany." Wow, somebody's a sore loser.

Pest: I'm "ridiculiculous." Like a booger I stick to this.

Pest: I'm in the mood to scam, simply because I can.

Pest: Love, peace and chicken grease.

Pest: Later, masturbator.

Pest: Of course I farted. What, you think I smell like this all the time?

Angus: Do you know what today is?
Pest: The first day of the rest of our lives?
Angus: No.
Pest: Sean Connery's birthday?
Angus: Sean Connery's birthday?
[Band plays "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow"]

[Pest and Angus speak over telephone]
Angus: You'd show more respect if we were the Italian mob.
Pest: Oh, please. Don't start that again.
Angus: Just because we're Scottish people don't take us seriously
[Pest burps into mouthpiece]

[Pest and Chubbs enter an armory]
Pest: Be all you can be!
Chubbs: Yeah, don't ask, don't tell.
Pest: ...What's that supposed to mean?
Chubbs: Oh, nothin'.
Pest: Just checkin...

[after tumbling down a steep hill and banging his head against a rock]
Pest: Aaahhh, now I'm nice and limber!

[after Gustav wasted his tranquilzers on Xantha's family and his son, missing Pest]
Pest: You can't hit me! You can't hit me! You're a big sucker-butt! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! I can't believe you're German! Ha ha h...
[Gustav hits him with the gun handle]

[Pest works at a Chinese restaurant, disguised as Chinese]
Mr. Cheung: [In heavy Chinese accent] How come I don't undastand any of your Chinese?
Pest: [In just as thick an accent] I from Souff! Is a diffwent diawect!
Mr. Cheung: Oh really? Well, I'm from Souff too!
Pest: [pause] Well, I from FAR, FAR, FAR, far Souff!

Himmel: Don't flatter me.
Pest: OK, your feet stink, your nose is point and your mother dresses you funny!

Puerto Rican Boy: If you're blind, how did you know that I was a man?
Pest: I could hear your gonads shaking.

Angus: Today is Monday. I want all the money you owe me by Wednesday or I'm going to kill your whole family.
Pest: How 'bout Thursday and you just take out a cousin?

Pest: [talking to himself while defecating in the forest] Whether 'tis nobler in the mind...
Pest: suffer the slings and arrows...
[farts again]
Pest: ...of outrageous fortune...
[farts again]

Pest: [Flatulence] One stinky dinky, Ah ha ha!
Pest: Two stinky dinky,
[Extended Flatulence]
Pest: Ah ha ha!