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: Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!
: Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go! Albert
: How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?
: You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.
: So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.
: You were so terrified, it was so sweet. Armand
: I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed! Katherine
: I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days! Armand
: Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."
: Don't give me that tone! Armand
: What tone? Albert
: That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman. Armand
: You're not a woman. Albert
: Oh, you bastard!
: It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.
: All right, I'll bite, where are you going? Albert
: To Los Copa. Armand
: Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery. Albert
: I know, that's why I'm packing light. Armand
: Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING! Armand
: I made you short?
: When you gonna let me audition for you again? Armand
: When you have talent.
: What are you giving him drugs for? What the hell are Pirin tablets? Agador
: It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off. Armand
: My God, what a brilliant idea! Agador
: I know.
: You don't love me anymore, Armand. Armand
: Oh, shit.
: Now take that wig off or I'll tell Albert you're wearing it. Agador
: You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing somebody else while he's on the stage. Armand
: I have two words for you: green card.
: Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show. Albert
: Yeah, so just because you're twenty-two and hung doesn't mean that you can... Armand
: Let me do this, Albert.
: Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.
: Agador, you're gonna have to get yourself a uniform and dress like a butler. Agador
: No! I'm gonna look like a fag! Armand
: Maybe, but you'll look like a fag in a uniform.
: Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al! Armand
: Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
: Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al? Armand
: What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al. Albert
: Oh, I could play it straight! Armand
: Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture! Albert
: What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig! Armand
: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!
: Oh God, I pierced the toast! Armand
: So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life."
: No good? Armand
: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.
: What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...
: Is Albert here? Agador
: No. Armand
: Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on.
: My first day at Edison Park, you told me that if Miss Donovan asked what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman. Armand
: Well, you were a baby, and Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt. Val
: I can still get hurt.
: Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness? Armand
: Your what? Agador
: My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right? Armand
: You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.
: You look like Lucy's stunt double. Agador
: [dancing around in red wig cleaning
] No actually I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky Armand
: That's horrifying.
: My father was the shaman of his tribe and my mother was the high priestess. Armand
: So why the hell did they move to New Jersey? Agador
: I don't know, they're so stupid.
: Armand Goldman. Armand
: Katie Archer, or is it "Mrs." something? Katherine
: No. I'm between husbands.
: [to Agador
] Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. And I'm going after fucking Albert.
: You... can *cook*, right? Agador
: Your father seems to think so...
: Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.
: Armand, the Kennedys are here again for supper, third time this week, you want to pick up their tab? Armand
: Ted? Waiter
: No, just the younger ones. Armand
: Wish we could get Ted. Give 'em a free round of coffee.
: Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here. Albert
: I see... I see. Val
: It's just for tonight. Albert
: I understand, it's just while people are here.
: My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit.
: What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.
: Fuck the shrimp!
: Work it, own it, sell it!
: What is that crap you served us? Agador
: It's Guatemalan Peasant Soup. Armand
: What's Guatemalan Peasant Soup? Agador
: I don't know, I made it up. I made it up!
: [Agador is dancing by the pool
] Uh, Dad, could we maybe hire a straight maid for this evening? Armand
: There are no straight maids in South Beach.
: Agador! Val
: Spartacus! Armand
: Agador Spartacus!... He insists on being called by his full name.
: Take it! Take it all! What difference does it make if I say you can stay or if you say I can stay?
: [hearing Albert's wails
] Is someone else home? Armand
: Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company.
: [very sharply to the Keeleys
] Sit down! Armand
: A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.
: Ugh, what is this, sludge? Agador
: Yes, it's sludge; I thought it'd make a nice change from coffee.
: How 'bout those dolphins, huh?
: My Guatemalaness; my natural heat! Armand
: Yes, I'm afraid of your heat.
: Armand! Did you see that? Armand
: What? Albert
: He blew a bubble while I was singing. He can't do that while I'M SINGING!
: I'm just... a guy! Armand
: What about those?
[Gesturing to Albert's pink socks
: These? Well, one does want a hint of color. Armand
: [Armand and Val laugh at him, trying to hide it in their expressions, though
: You think when I dress like this I'm even more obvious.
: Here, let me help you lean on it. Armand
: I think I need a doctor. Albert
: Oh, don't be silly! It isn't even swollen! Armand
: [pulls away
] Maybe we should go to an emergency room, you know, I can get an X-ray. Albert
: [grabs him
] You're overreacting! Don't be such a baby!
: Just sit down on the... AAAAAAAAHH! We've been robbed!
: I'm getting married. Armand
[He covers his face for one second and drinks his wine in 1 go
: It's a girl. Are you upset? Armand
: Let me tell you why.
: I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get. Armand
: Oh, God... Val
: I'm getting married. Armand
: I didn't want to tell you over the phone... Armand
: Mmm. Val
: It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful...
[Armand drains his entire glass of wine in one sip
: Uh... are you upset? Armand
] But let me tell you why.
: First off, you're only twenty. Val
: Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model... Armand
: Oh, please. Val
: No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home. Armand
: Stop flattering me, it's cheap.
: [about his marriage
] Is it all right, Dad? Armand
: Does it matter? Val
: Yes, of course it does. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming. Armand
: I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it. Val
: Okay, if that's how you feel. Armand
: I do. Val
[picks up his jacket and holds out his hand
: Goodbye, Pop. Armand
: Goodbye, son.
[They shake hands, and Val starts to turn away
: Oh, come here!
[pulls him into a hug
: You little pisher, you called my bluff! Val
: Yeah, but it was good, though. Armand
: Really? I thought I backed off on it a little.
: He's being taken from us, and we won't have any others. Renato Baldi
: Unless there's a miracle.
: Poor Mme. Charrier is holding our lord in her arms.