Val Goldman
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Quotes for
Val Goldman (Character)
from The Birdcage (1996)

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The Birdcage (1996)
Val: Who put Playboy in the bathroom?
Goldman Girl: Leave it, it's what they read.
Val: Don't add! Just subtract!

Val: My first day at Edison Park, you told me that if Miss Donovan asked what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.
Armand: Well, you were a baby, and Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt.
Val: I can still get hurt.

Armand: [to Agador] Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. And I'm going after fucking Albert.
[Exits]
Val: You... can *cook*, right?
Agador: Your father seems to think so...

Armand: Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.
Albert: I see... I see.
Val: It's just for tonight.
Albert: I understand, it's just while people are here.

Val: [Agador is dancing by the pool] Uh, Dad, could we maybe hire a straight maid for this evening?
Armand: There are no straight maids in South Beach.

Armand: Agador!
Val: Spartacus!
Armand: Agador Spartacus!... He insists on being called by his full name.

Val: Agador, why aren't you wearing your shoes?
Agador: [manly voice] I do not wear the shoes... because... they make me fall down.

Val: I assure you, Mother is just following a train of thought to a logical, yet absurd conclusion... much in the same way Jonathan Swift did when he suggested the Irish feed their babies to the rich.

Val: Put your shoes on Agador, it's getting late.
Agador: [In what he thinks is a normal waiter's voice] Ah, but there's no point in my putting shoes on.
[blows out match]
Agador: I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.
Val: Just, put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice, and just... give me a break, okay?
Agador: [In real voice] Okay.

Val: I'm getting married.
Armand: Ohh.
[He covers his face for one second and drinks his wine in 1 go]
Val: It's a girl. Are you upset?
Armand: Let me tell you why.