Chazz Michael Michaels
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Quotes for
Chazz Michael Michaels (Character)
from Blades of Glory (2007)

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Blades of Glory (2007)
Jimmy: So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.
Coach: Oh, really?
Chazz: We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."
Jimmy: [disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.
Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...
Jimmy: No, it's not, it's gross...
Chazz: ...It gets the people going!

Chazz: No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.

Chazz: This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
Jimmy: I could hold it all day long, try me!
Chazz: Maybe I will.
Jimmy: Maybe you should.
Chazz: You challenging me, princess?
Jimmy: I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's annual Christmas party.
Chazz: Then bring it on!
Jimmy: It is on!

Jimmy: Get out of my face.
Chazz: I'll get inside your face.

Chazz: [while Jimmy is giving a speech] That's retarded

Jimmy: I see you got FAT!
Chazz: I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!

Jimmy: Watch my icy hot super slide.
Chazz: Do it.

Coach: You're the girl.
Jimmy: What?
Chazz: You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.
Jimmy: Wait, why?
Coach: Because you whine like one!
[turns to Chazz]
Coach: And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.

Chazz: Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.

Jimmy: I don't share rooms!
Chazz: I don't share SHIT!
Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me...
Jimmy: [to Chazz] It's dark for everyone, moron!
Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles!

Chazz: [while trying to cut off the rope tied on his feet using one of his skate blades] Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!

Chazz: So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice... with your weiner?

Chazz: I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!

Chazz: I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.

Chazz: And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here
[pointing to heart]
Chazz: it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother
[grabs Jimmy]
Chazz: , this is my brother
[grabs Katie]
Chazz: and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf.
Jimmy: Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital.
Chazz: What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.

Chazz: Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.

Bryce: Are you drunk?
Chazz: No, but this oughta do it
[smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks]
Bryce: I'd fire you... if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.
Bryce: You smell like urine.
Chazz: A lot?

Chazz: [to Jimmy's voice mail] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me...

Chazz: I think I see the Virgin Mary!
Jimmy: No, that's not her.

Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn't it?
Jimmy: Did you just say mind-bottling?
Chazz: Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?

Chazz: Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!

Chazz: Ahh, my nutsack!

Chazz: Don't make me kill her!

[In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign]
Chazz: Let's capture the dream.
Jimmy: Capture the-wow I love it. Where'd you come up with that?
Chazz: I have no idea where I came up with that.
Jimmy: Cool.
Chazz: Let's kick some ice.

Chazz: She's as cold as the ice she skates on. She's like dry ice. No, wait! She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice?
Jimmy: I don't know
Chazz: I'll tell you what is, Oksana.

Chazz: We love you Denver! City by the Bay!

Chazz: [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance]
Jimmy: Was the fire really necessary?
Chazz: Ask THEM.

Chazz: Better step aside homeschool, there's a new Sheriff in town.

Chazz: [Referring to his program] I hope you've brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.
Jimmy: That was disgusting.
Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.

Chazz: I permanently call shotgun.
Jimmy: You do not get shotgun every time!

[Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video]
Coach: [confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus.
Chazz: Are you nuts?
Jimmy: Wha...? We can't do that!
Coach: C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.

Coach: You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?
Chazz: I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.

Jimmy: You ruined my dreams!
Chazz: Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years.
Jimmy: Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face!
Chazz: Hey, this ends tonight!
Jimmy: It's daytime, you douche!

Chazz: I don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you Jimmy, and I don't wanna miss a thing.

Chazz: Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning.
Jimmy: Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
Chazz: I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.

Chazz: [referring to his program] Eat THAT, MacElroy.
Jimmy: Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied!
Chazz: You're high!

Chazz: [backstage at "Grublets On Ice"] I hate my life.

Chazz: You're living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the HERE and NOW.

Chazz: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes!
Chazz: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a... Ugh, encore!
[begins throwing up again]

Chazz: [the crowd is booing and throwing garbage onto the ice] Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!

Chazz: Two men skating? That's a riot. A laugh riot.
Coach: I don't see what's so funny.
Chazz: If you were as drunk as me, you would.

Chazz: What're you, the rug doctor?
Jimmy: Maybe I am.
Chazz: Well, I'm the rug MASTER.
Jimmy: What does that even mean?

Jimmy: [Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate] Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!
Chazz: This isn't what it looks like.
[Grabs Katie's breast]
Jimmy: Impure! Impure!
[Runs out of the room]
Katie Van Waldenberg: Jimmy, wait!
Chazz: Brother man!

Chazz: [a the Figure Skating Association hearing] Maxim Magazine, last issue: "Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating!" BOOM!

Chazz: Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli...

Chazz: You know what dude, your hand has to be on top.
Jimmy: No way, the girl's goes on top.
Chazz: Yeah, ergo, chick.
Jimmy: I'm not the girl, I'm stronger!
Chazz: No, I'M stronger, and don't have a vagina.

Chazz: [while attempting the Iron Lotus] I swear to God, if you cut my head off...

Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me.
Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, moron!
Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.

Coach: What do you guys have that all other teams don't have?
Chazz: Twin dongs?

Jimmy: I call top.
Chazz: Sorry, I already called it in my head...
Jimmy: No, you can't do that, that doesn't count.
Chazz: Yes it does.

Chazz: It makes my hair shine like Orion's Belt out on the ice.

Chazz: Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy *are* figure skating.
[shouts and raises left arm]
Chazz: Boom!

Chazz: I am never satisfied! It's a curse...

Chazz: But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.

Jimmy: They're laughing at us.
Chazz: Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.

Chazz: I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.

Chazz: Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck.

Chazz: Throw me some chicken.

Jimmy: This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room?
Coach: We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.
Chazz: Nice choice, Coach.
Coach: Turned out well.

[last lines]
Chazz: Let's get outta here.
Jimmy: Now?
Chazz: Yeah.

Chazz: We're going to Montreal bitch!

Chazz: You're welcome Stockholm!

Chazz: [while performing in Grublets on Ice] Hey, everyone! This is Gary the squirrel! Now, listen up, Gary's been a long time friend. We've been skating for... two and a half years. i remember when we were hanging out near a bus stop in Tucson, He said "Hey, I've got a third ball"
[Chazz pukes in his wizard mask]
Chazz: I just threw up in here people!

Chazz: Thank you Denver, The City by the Bay John Denver.

Jimmy: Who's that?
Chazz: You mean Katie van Waldenberg?
Jimmy: She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?
Chazz: Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.

Chazz: You know this is how I rolled when you met me.
Sam: No, when I met you, you were a great figure skater. Now you're just getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.


Chazz: [Leaving a voice mail message] Hey, Jimmy. Hey, it's me, Chazz. Look, what happened back there - so not a big deal. Just think of it as, like a, boob handshake - between me and your lady's boob. Look, that's not coming out right, I'll explain it. Call me back! Please, it's me, Chazz.

Female Sex Addict/Rinkside Nurse: [Chazz, injured, hobbles off the rink] Are you okay? I'm gonna have to cut your pants off
Chazz: Start up near the crotch. Its a better access point.