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: So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine. Coach
: Oh, really? Chazz
: We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps." Jimmy
] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means. Chazz
: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative... Jimmy
: No, it's not, it's gross... Chazz
: ...It gets the people going!
: No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.
: This guy could not hold my jock sweat. Jimmy
: I could hold it all day long, try me! Chazz
: Maybe I will. Jimmy
: Maybe you should. Chazz
: You challenging me, princess? Jimmy
: I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's annual Christmas party. Chazz
: Then bring it on! Jimmy
: It is on!
: Get out of my face. Chazz
: I'll get inside your face.
: [while Jimmy is giving a speech
] That's retarded
: I see you got FAT! Chazz
: I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!
: Watch my icy hot super slide. Chazz
: Do it.
: You're the girl. Jimmy
: What? Chazz
: You're my pretty lady, MacElroy. Jimmy
: Wait, why? Coach
: Because you whine like one!
[turns to Chazz
: And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.
: Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.
: I don't share rooms! Chazz
: I don't share SHIT!
: The night is a very dark time for me... Jimmy
: [to Chazz
] It's dark for everyone, moron! Chazz
: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles!
: [while trying to cut off the rope tied on his feet using one of his skate blades
] Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!
: So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice... with your weiner?
: I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!
: I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.
: And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here
[pointing to heart
: it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother
: , this is my brother
: and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf. Jimmy
: Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital. Chazz
: What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.
: Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.
: Are you drunk? Chazz
: No, but this oughta do it
[smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks
: I'd fire you... if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.
: You smell like urine. Chazz
: A lot?
: [to Jimmy's voice mail
] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me...
: I think I see the Virgin Mary! Jimmy
: No, that's not her.
: Mind-bottling, isn't it? Jimmy
: Did you just say mind-bottling? Chazz
: Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?
: Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!
: Ahh, my nutsack!
: Don't make me kill her!
[In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign
: Let's capture the dream. Jimmy
: Capture the-wow I love it. Where'd you come up with that? Chazz
: I have no idea where I came up with that. Jimmy
: Cool. Chazz
: Let's kick some ice.
: She's as cold as the ice she skates on. She's like dry ice. No, wait! She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice? Jimmy
: I don't know Chazz
: I'll tell you what is, Oksana.
: We love you Denver! City by the Bay!
: [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance
: Was the fire really necessary? Chazz
: Ask THEM.
: Better step aside homeschool, there's a new Sheriff in town.
: [Referring to his program
] I hope you've brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold. Jimmy
: That was disgusting. Chazz
: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.
: I permanently call shotgun. Jimmy
: You do not get shotgun every time!
[Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video
] Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus. Chazz
: Are you nuts? Jimmy
: Wha...? We can't do that! Coach
: C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.
: You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers? Chazz
: I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.
: You ruined my dreams! Chazz
: Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years. Jimmy
: Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face! Chazz
: Hey, this ends tonight! Jimmy
: It's daytime, you douche!
: I don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you Jimmy, and I don't wanna miss a thing.
: Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning. Jimmy
: Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo. Chazz
: I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.
: [referring to his program
] Eat THAT, MacElroy. Jimmy
: Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied! Chazz
: You're high!
: [backstage at "Grublets On Ice"
] I hate my life.
: You're living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the HERE and NOW.
: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"
] Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes! Chazz
: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"
] I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a... Ugh, encore!
[begins throwing up again
: [the crowd is booing and throwing garbage onto the ice
] Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!
: Two men skating? That's a riot. A laugh riot. Coach
: I don't see what's so funny. Chazz
: If you were as drunk as me, you would.
: What're you, the rug doctor? Jimmy
: Maybe I am. Chazz
: Well, I'm the rug MASTER. Jimmy
: What does that even mean?
: [Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate
] Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend! Chazz
: This isn't what it looks like.
[Grabs Katie's breast
: Impure! Impure!
[Runs out of the room
] Katie Van Waldenberg
: Jimmy, wait! Chazz
: Brother man!
: [a the Figure Skating Association hearing
] Maxim Magazine, last issue: "Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating!" BOOM!
: Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli...
: You know what dude, your hand has to be on top. Jimmy
: No way, the girl's goes on top. Chazz
: Yeah, ergo, chick. Jimmy
: I'm not the girl, I'm stronger! Chazz
: No, I'M stronger, and don't have a vagina.
: [while attempting the Iron Lotus
] I swear to God, if you cut my head off...
: The night is a very dark time for me. Jimmy
: It's dark for everyone, moron! Chazz
: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.
: What do you guys have that all other teams don't have? Chazz
: Twin dongs?
: I call top. Chazz
: Sorry, I already called it in my head... Jimmy
: No, you can't do that, that doesn't count. Chazz
: Yes it does.
: It makes my hair shine like Orion's Belt out on the ice.
: Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy *are* figure skating.
[shouts and raises left arm
: I am never satisfied! It's a curse...
: But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.
: They're laughing at us. Chazz
: Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
: I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.
: Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck.
: Throw me some chicken.
: This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room? Coach
: We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose. Chazz
: Nice choice, Coach. Coach
: Turned out well.
: Let's get outta here. Jimmy
: Now? Chazz
: We're going to Montreal bitch!
: You're welcome Stockholm!
: [while performing in Grublets on Ice
] Hey, everyone! This is Gary the squirrel! Now, listen up, Gary's been a long time friend. We've been skating for... two and a half years. i remember when we were hanging out near a bus stop in Tucson, He said "Hey, I've got a third ball"
[Chazz pukes in his wizard mask
: I just threw up in here people!
: Thank you Denver, The City by the Bay John Denver.
: Who's that? Chazz
: You mean Katie van Waldenberg? Jimmy
: She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister? Chazz
: Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
: You know this is how I rolled when you met me. Sam
: No, when I met you, you were a great figure skater. Now you're just getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.
: [Leaving a voice mail message
] Hey, Jimmy. Hey, it's me, Chazz. Look, what happened back there - so not a big deal. Just think of it as, like a, boob handshake - between me and your lady's boob. Look, that's not coming out right, I'll explain it. Call me back! Please, it's me, Chazz.
Female Sex Addict/Rinkside Nurse
: [Chazz, injured, hobbles off the rink
] Are you okay? I'm gonna have to cut your pants off Chazz
: Start up near the crotch. Its a better access point.