Wayne Szalinski
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Quotes for
Wayne Szalinski (Character)
from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)

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Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)
[Wayne shows Diane the shrunken couch]
Diane Szalinski: [excited] Are you saying... it works? The machine works?
[Wayne nods]
Diane Szalinski: Do the kids know?
Wayne Szalinski: Well, yeah, the kids know.
Diane Szalinski: That's great!
Wayne Szalinski: No, it's not that great.
Diane Szalinski: Why?
Wayne Szalinski: I shrunk the kids.
Diane Szalinski: ...What?
Wayne Szalinski: And the Thompson kids too. They're about this big, they're in the backyard.
Diane Szalinski: *What*?
Wayne Szalinski: I threw them out with the trash.
[just as Diane grabs hold of Wayne, the doorbell rings. Wayne opens the door to two police officers]
Wayne Szalinski: Yes?
Female Cop: Did uh, you report two missing children?
Wayne Szalinski: Oh, there must be some mistake. Our children are in the backyard. Right, honey?
[Diane faints]

[Wayne shows the Thompsons the shrunken furniture]
Mae Thompson: Why didn't you tell us earlier?
Diane Szalinski: Well, up until now, the machine just... blew things up.
Mae Thompson: Are you saying that that machine...?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: Blew up my kids?
Diane Szalinski, Wayne Szalinski: No, no!
Wayne Szalinski: No, if the machine had blown up the kids, there'd be pieces of them everywhere...
Diane Szalinski: Wayne!
Wayne Szalinski: Sorry, but I'm positive about this. The machine shrunk our kids.
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: You're the one who needs a shrink, Szalinski. You are a nut case. And I'll tell you something: I have got an air hammer in my attic, and if you did do something to my kids, there's gonna be pieces of you *all over the NEIGHBORHOOD*! Come on, Mae!
[he storms out of the house, dragging Mae after him]
Wayne Szalinski: I think that went well.
Diane Szalinski: I think we should have them over more often.

Wayne Szalinski: Don't worry about them, they've got the Thompson kids with them. They'll be fine.
Diane Szalinski: That's another thing I'm worried about: Amy. In the dark. With Little Russ Thompson.
Wayne Szalinski: Get some rest.
Diane Szalinski: They'd better behave themselves.

[the Szalinskis and the Thompsons sit down to dinner with a super-enlarged turkey]
Wayne Szalinski: Well, I guess we gotta carve this thing, huh?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: Oh, want to use my chainsaw?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: Hey, Szalinski, your lawn's beginning to look like the Amazon.
Wayne Szalinski: Yeah, producing oxygen, Russ. We all have to do our part. You know how all the jungles are receding everywhere.

[after Wayne and Diane stop Tommy with the lawnmower]
Tommy Pervis: [innocently] Nick said I could cut it, I swear!
Wayne Szalinski: When did you see Nick?
Diane Szalinski: Did you see him this morning?
Tommy Pervis: No, it was yesterday. Really, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so late.
Diane Szalinski: [calmly] It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. Why don't you back through our house, it's safer.
Tommy Pervis: [concerned] 'Safer'?
[Tommy stares at Wayne and Diane looking through the cut grass for the kids]
Tommy Pervis: [to himself] I thought MY folks were weird.

Wayne Szalinski: And given that my machine can substantially reduce the size of bulky payloads... And fuel supplies of the savings to the space program would be staggering.
Professor Frederickson: Mr. Szalinski, are you trying to tell me that suddenly size is no longer relative?
Wayne Szalinski: Well, that's right, Professor Frederickson, and that all matter is made up of not only density but of empty space, and if we can proportionally reduce the amount of empty space in any given object, we can, thereby, shrink the object.
Professor Frederickson: Uh-huh. Where's your proof?
Wayne Szalinski: When Einstein came up with the atomic bomb, did they ask him to prove that it worked?
Professor Frederickson: You, Mr. Szalinski, are hardly Einstein.
[the audience laughs]
Wayne Szalinski: I picked a name.
Professor Frederickson: You have, however, managed to shrink one thing: the size of the audience.
[stands up]
Professor Frederickson: Gentlemen, ladies, I don't know about you, but I'm going to lunch.
[leaves along with the rest]

Tommy Pervis: [after mowing the lawn] Nick said I could cut it...
Wayne Szalinski: When did you see Nick?
Diane Szalinski: Did you see him this morning?
Tommy Pervis: No, it was yesterday. But really, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be so late!
Diane Szalinski: It's okay, sweetie. It's alright, go home, go on through the house, it's safer.
Tommy Pervis: "Safer"?
[sees Diane and Wayne looking for the kids in the grass]
Tommy Pervis: And I thought my folks were weird.

Diane Szalinski: I called the police...
[sees Wayne with headlamps on his head]
Diane Szalinski: ... what's on your head?
Wayne Szalinski: I... was looking for the kids.
Diane Szalinski: Where? In a coal mine?
Wayne Szalinski: They're in the back yard.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: What do you take me for? A complete idiot?
[Wayne and Diane look at each other]
Mae Thompson: How did this happen?
Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: Hang on, Mae. I'll handle this. How did this happen?
Wayne Szalinski: Well, the machine analyzes an object's molecular structure; then through laser inversion, it takes all the...
Diane Szalinski: Wayne... I think the Thompsons need to see the couch.

Honey I Blew Up the Kid (1992)
Wayne: You think I'm just some guy from Fresno who tinkered with crack pot ideas in his attic? Well let me tell you something, this country was built on the shoulders of people who tinkered with crack pot ideas in their attics, basements and backyards. Alexander Graham Bell worked in a two room flat!
Clifford Sterling: Young man, don't presume to stand there and lecture me about great minds and great inventors. In all my years I've never worked with anyone who is a fool and I don't intend to start now. So, Charles, you're fired.
Dr. Charles Hendrickson: What?
Clifford Sterling: You're fired! So, Szalinski, what is your plan to get your kid back to normal by bed time?

Wayne: Mr. Sterling, sir, I can return my son back to normal!
Clifford Sterling: You can?
Dr. Charles Hendrickson: With what, Szalinski? Coca Cola bottles? Perhaps some chewing gum and twine?
Diane: Just who do you think you are talking to him like that?
Wayne: Diane, let me handle this. Who do you think you are talking to me like that?

Wayne: Oh no. Honey, I shrunk the kids.

Wayne: I blew up the baby!
[Diane faints]
Adam: Mama fall down! Mama!
Nick: [appears from behind Adam] How'd she take it?
Wayne: About like usual.
Adam: Mama sleeping?

Wayne: We're his parents, we'll handle this. Diane, how do we handle this?

Diane: Just who do you think you are talking to him like that?
Wayne: Diane, let me handle this. Who do you think you are talking to me like that?

Nick: Dad, were you ever popular in school?
Wayne: You bet. I was president of the astronomy club three years in a row. We were happenin' guys.

Diane: Why are you closing the shutters?
Wayne: So one of the neighbors doesn't look in, see a 7 foot baby, and call the National Enquirer.
Adam Szalinski: [hears the doorbell ringing] Doorbell!
Diane: Who's that?
Wayne: One of the neighbors.
Diane: [sarcastically] So far your plan has been working perfectly.

Diane: I don't understand any of this.
Wayne: Around every electrical operating device, there's a flux. Like an electromagnetic force field.
Clifford Sterling: That's what's causing the baby to grow.
Marshall Brooks: Would this electromagnetic... would it surround neon lights too?
Wayne: Yeah, why?
Marshall Brooks: Your kid. He's heading toward Las Vegas.
Diane, Wayne, Clifford Sterling: Uh-oh.

[after Wayne finds Nick and Mandy in the shrunken car]
Wayne: Found them. I think we'd better give them a while though.

Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves (1997) (V)
[Their answering machine message:]
Wayne Szalinski: You've reached the Szalinskis. At the sound of the beep, please leave your message, your fax, or your binary file.

Wayne Szalinski: Baseball's just a phase, it'll pass. But science is always cool.

Gordon Szalinski: You are dead meat, mister!
Wayne Szalinski: Gordon, you're three-quarters of an inch tall, now's not the time.

[Climbing up a wicker chair]
Wayne Szalinski: This is great exercise.
Diane Szalinski: Yeah. Now I've got a wicker chair I don't need to go to the gym anymore.

Wayne Szalinski: The kids are messy eaters, so there'll be plenty of crumbs for us to eat.
Gordon Szalinski: Wayne, we're not gonna spend the rest of our lives tiny; we're gonna get big again.

Wayne Szalinski: Diane, are you going to stay mad at me the whole time or are you going to try and make the best of this bad situation?
Diane Szalinski: I'm going to stay mad at you the whole time.

[on the answering machine]
Wayne Szalinski: Guess what? Gordon and I got tickets to see the shuttle-launch tonight, so if that's okay, we're going to take off.
Diane Szalinski: [picks up the phone] No it isn't, Wayne. I am going on vacation this weekend. Remember?
Wayne Szalinski: Of course I remem... I forgot.
Diane Szalinski: I am going on this vacation and nothing and NOBODY IS GOING TO STOP ME!
[Hangs up]
Wayne Szalinski: Boy she *does* need a vacation.

[Landing in a laundry basket]
Wayne Szalinski: Honey, I don't think we're using enough fabric softener.

Adam Szalinski: What's the record-player?
Wayne Szalinski: That old CD player.

Wayne Szalinski: [greeting her and the robot-dog] Hey, Tina. Hey, Trowser.
Trina: Say hello, Trowser.
Trowser: [barking] Hello - hello.
Wayne Szalinski: "Hello"?
Trina: Turns out, that's what "woof" means.

"Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: The TV Show: Honey, Meet the Barbarians (#1.13)" (1998)
Thokk: God Wayne, retell the tale of delight. The one that starts with the rhyming and ends with the funny.
Wayne Szalinski: Again? Alrighty, here goes.
Wayne Szalinski: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. That started in this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship.

"Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: The TV Show: Honey, Whodunit? (#3.21)" (2000)
Nick Szalinski: [as Victor Woo] Do not go for your gun, Mr. Wolff.
Wayne Szalinski: [as Wayne Wolff] I don't have a gun. This is a family show.