Dr. Zachary Smith
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Quotes for
Dr. Zachary Smith (Character)
from Lost in Space (1998)

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Lost in Space (1998)
[Why the others should believe his warning about the spiders]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Trust me, Major. Evil knows evil.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I'm a doctor, not a space explorer.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Black was always my colour.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Like the drip, drip, drip of blood...
Major West: You really need to shut up.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Give my regards to oblivion.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You'll forgive me if I forgo the kiss, my sleeping behemoth. But the time has come to awake.
Robot: Robot is on-line. Reviewing primary directives. One, preserve the Robinson Family. Two, Maintain ship systems. Three
Dr. Zachary Smith: What noble charges my steely centurion. Sadly I fear you have far more dire deeds in store for you.
Robot: Robot is on-line. Reviewing primary directives. Two hours into mission destroy Robinson family. Destroy all systems.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Now that's more like it. Farewell my platinum-plated-pal. Give my regards to oblivion.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [reprogramming the future Robot] Let's try this again, shall we? You are the puppet, I am the puppeteer. Do try to get it right this time...

Dr. Zachary Smith: Sarcasm is the recourse of the weak mind.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Never fear, Smith is here.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I loathe children.

Monster Smith: You should have killed me when you had the chance.
John Robinson: You know, you're right. I couldn't kill the man...
[takes out on of Will's science fair plaques as an improvised weapon]
John Robinson: But I can kill the monster!

Monster Smith: Haven't you made the doorway... too small?
Older Will: Not for me. But then, I'm not going, am I? The spiders didn't kill the girls. It was you. I just didn't let myself see it. You kept me alive because you needed me. Because I could build this for you.
Monster Smith: Poor, poor boy. Did you think that I would let you go? After all that I have become? Look at me. I am no mere man.
[He takes off the clothes covering him to reveal a spider/human figure]
Monster Smith: I am a god. Within these eggsacks lives a monster race of spiders. We shall descend upon helpless Earth. An entire planet on which to rule. An entire planet on which to feed! Time to die, *son*.
Older Will: I'm not your son!

Dr. Zachary Smith: [to the Robot] Unhand me, you mechanical moron.

Will Robinson: Oh, shit.
Dr. Zachary Smith: A boy of your intelligence should never swear... Oh, shit.

[after attacking Dr. Smith]
Monster Smith: I never liked me anyway.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You can't do it can you? You can't kill the man without becoming the monster.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, be still my foolish heart.

Dr. Zachary Smith: It's the world behind the world Dr. Robinson. Lie once, cheat twice, and everything becomes clear.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Major West, I highly recommend you never breed. That, by the way, is my medical opinion.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [to Will Robinson] Let me tell you a lesson about life, kid. There are monsters everywhere... I know, I am one.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Something you should abide by on this world or any other, never trust anyone. Especially me.

Will Robinson: [after seeing the old ship 20 years into the future] Oh shit!
Dr. Zachary Smith: A boy of your intelligence should never swear.
[Smith sees the old ship]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh shit. Indeed.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Nothing good can come of this.

"Lost in Space: The Space Trader (#1.23)" (1966)
Penny Robinson: That's the spirit, Dr. Smith!
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, please spare me your youthful optimism.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [eating pills for dinner] I cannot go on this way. I simply must have some food.
Maj. Don West: Stop your bellyaching, Smith. We're all in the same boat.
Dr. Zachary Smith: This chemical concoction may be sufficient for you and the others, but it hardly whets my appetite.
Maj. Don West: That protein capsule contains MORE than enough nutrition for your needs.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Perhaps for the average man, Major, but I burn up more energy than the average man.
Maj. Don West: Well, then I've got just the cure for you, Smith.
Dr. Zachary Smith: And what is that?
Maj. Don West: Don't talk so much.

The Space Trader: Now, if there are two things that a trader loves it is good company and good business.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well, we can certainly supply the good company.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, the pain the pain.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, sadness. Oh, sorrow. Zachary Smith, gourmet, epicurean, reduced to a meal of fodder.

Will Robinson: There are more important things in life than just food.
Dr. Zachary Smith: The ignorance of that remark is excusable only because of your extreme youth. Good food is one of the important joys of living.

[the Trader hopes a roast turkey placed before the starving Robinsons with induce them to start trading but Professor Robinson will have none of it]
Dr. Zachary Smith: I have an idea, Mr. Trader. I know we can come to some sort of agreement about this beautiful bird; but, meanwhile, a full stomach makes for a happy disposition. Let's eat it first and discuss it later.
The Space Trader: Dr. Smith, you must realize that, as a businessman, I cannot deal in PROMISES of payment. Now, Mr. Robinson, can we not, as they say, "talk turkey?"

Dr. Zachary Smith: There ARE no tough turkeys, madam. Some are just less tender than others.

The Space Trader: Only the robot. That's the only thing I'm... REALLY interested in.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ah.
The Space Trader: I-if you COULD manage to trade that machine, I'd give you all the food you could possibly eat.
Dr. Zachary Smith: For how long.
The Space Trader: A week.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Make it two.
The Space Trader: Ten days.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Twelve.
The Space Trader: Done.
[They laugh wickedly together]
The Space Trader: You're a shrewd trader, Dr. Smith.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I have an ancestor who had quite a reputation as a horse trader, but he suffered a severe business reversal. Jealous rivals accused him of stocking stolen merchandise - utterly ridiculous, of course.
The Space Trader: Yes. How unfortunate. What happened to him.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [involuntarily bringing his hand to his neck] Well, he... I think I'll tell you the story some other time.

Dr. Zachary Smith: It would appear that you and I are the only ones awake. I just couldn't sleep.
The Robot: You're probably suffering a guilty conscience.

Dr. Zachary Smith: What's the matter with the dear lady? Did you have a tiff?

The Space Trader: What can I do for you this morning?
Dr. Zachary Smith: I would like to talk to you, sir, about this broken-down, old robot. I want it back.
The Space Trader: Well, as you know, everything I have is for sale. What would you like to give me in exchange for him?
Dr. Zachary Smith: At the moment, nothing, but I thought, perhaps, we could work out some sort of a... credit arrangement. It's a common procedure on Earth, you knows: Buy now, pay later.
The Space Trader: Hm, sounds like a bad way to run a business.

The Space Trader: Is there NOTHING you can offer in exchange?
Dr. Zachary Smith: All I have is what you see before you, Mr. Trader.
The Space Trader: You m... O-o-o-oh, no. O-oh, that would be quite against my pr... I mean, what would the Traders Association say if they ever heard? I'd be in REAL trouble.
Dr. Zachary Smith: What is it? Surely, you could work something out.
The Space Trader: W-weren't you suggesting that you should trade yourself?
Dr. Zachary Smith: MYSELF!

Will Robinson: [having assisted Dr. Smith getting away from the Trader's guard dogs] We've gotta get back to the Jupiter 2.
Dr. Zachary Smith: We'll never make it. Those beasts will tear us apart when they catch us.
Will Robinson: Would you rather stay here and let the Trader take you away?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ugh! Oh! Come along. What're you waiting for?

Dr. Zachary Smith: [upon seeing the robot] Oh, thank heavens. I'm saved. My dear, dear friend, how glad I am to see you.
The Robot: I beg your pardon, sir. I don't believe we've met.

Dr. Zachary Smith: At a time like this we see out true friends.
Maj. Don West: Save the soft soap for later, Smith.

"Lost in Space: Attack of the Monster Plants (#1.14)" (1965)
[Don sees to it that Smith is banished from camp, with the suggestion that they might leave him behind once there's enough fuel for takeoff]
Dr. Zachary Smith: You'll regret this, Major, I promise you. Remember I warned you. If you don't take me with you, no one will go.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Don't dawdle, don't dawdle.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You were going to leave me behind. You are going to leave me, aren't you?
Maj. Don West: Well, that decision is up to Prof. Robinson, but if he asks for my opinion, I'm voting to leave you here.

Maj. Don West: [seeing Smith spying on them] Judy, uh, I didn't want to scare Will but actually our fuel-to-weight ratio's going to be very critical.
Judy Robinson: What does that mean?
Maj. Don West: Well, it means that, uh, Smith will probably have to be left behind.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [to himself, observing from behind a rock] We shall see.
Judy Robinson: I thought Daddy said he was taking Dr. Smith.
Maj. Don West: [in an undertone] Shhhhh. I'm just teasing. Smith's up there behind the rock, listening.
Judy Robinson: I think that's nasty of you.
Maj. Don West: He deserved it.

Will Robinson: My father doesn't lie.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well, sometimes it's easier not to speak the whole truth.

Dr. Zachary Smith: When I decided to set up my camp in this lovely little garden, I started upacking. I placed my shaving kit on this rock, thusly. I turned back to continue with my unpacking when suddenly I heard...
[a strange echoey sound is heard]
Dr. Zachary Smith: ...THAT. I turned back. I saw the plant moving toward my shaving kit, just as it is now. Thinking the infernal thing was going to engulf my kit, I tried to grab it. For a moment I was nonplussed, torn between fear of this vegetacious monster and the prospect of the loss of my shaving kit; but, fearlessly I made my decision. I grabbed the thief, forced it open, and plucked my shaving kit from its greedy mouth. I chanced to glance back inside the pod, and do you know what I saw? The plant had created an exact duplicate of my shaving kit. It was, my dear, boy, a truly marvelous discovery.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I've come prepared to strike a bargain.
Prof. John Robinson: A bargain? Well, that's very decent of you but, uh, why should I bargain with you, and over what?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Over deutronium, those precious little grains of fuel that will take us away from this beleaguered planet.
Prof. John Robinson: Well, we don't need your deutronium.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I'm aware of that, but surely an extra can will guarantee a safe departure.
Prof. John Robinson: Yes, I suppose it might.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Good. Now we come to the bargaining part.
Prof. John Robinson: Which is...
Dr. Zachary Smith: Will the extra can of deutronium also guarantee that I will be included in the ship's company when you depart?
Prof. John Robinson: Ah, I thought it would be that. The answer, Dr. Smith, is that we'll take you along if it's humanly possible. Now, considering your recent behavior, I'd say that's... more than fair.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Good heavens! They feed on deutronium!

Will Robinson: Too bad you couldn't find the deutronium, Dr. Smith, but you shouldn't have tried to trick me.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I didn't just try, I succeeded. Let's not forget that!

Penny Robinson: Well, if you do stay, could you tend to my garden for me?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Your garden will wither and die, I can promise you THAT!

Maj. Don West: You know, it's really a shame, Dr. Smith, but, uh, things don't look too good for you at all.
Dr. Zachary Smith: The condition you find most cheering.
Maj. Don West: [enjoying this greatly] Not at all. As a matter of fact, when I compute the fuel-to-weight ratio, which we already know is going to be very critical, I'll do my best to include us all.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [bitterly] I'm deeply touched.
Penny Robinson: Does that mean I can take the bloop?
Dr. Zachary Smith: How can you even think of taking that beast when I may have to remain?
Will Robinson: I think THE BLOOP should go!
Penny Robinson: So do I!
Maj. Don West: Well, we don't have a capsule for the bloop so, uh, that's out of the question.
Will Robinson: I'll BUILD her a capsule!
Maj. Don West: [heartily shaking hands with Will] That's a deal! You build a capsule for the bloop and she goes!
Maj. Don West: [sadly to Smith] Of course, that cuts the available weight still further. Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Smith, but things don't look very good for you at all.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Bloop, indeed!

Dr. Zachary Smith: But where are the rest of our happy little group? Don't tell me we have some stay-a-beds in our midst.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Now then, as I see it there are two alternatives and the choice is yours: No. 1 - we leave for Earth as planned, with me taking Judy's place on the ship.
Maureen Robinson: Well, now, you know we can't do that.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I thought not. Uh, so you choose the other alternative.
Prof. John Robinson: Exactly what is the other alternative?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Major West pilots me back to Earth, and your charming little family can stay here bathed in togetherness. When I am safely away, I will radio where Judy is.

Dr. Zachary Smith: All right, gentlemen, there's no room for goldbricking in this operation. Let's get on with it, shall we?

Dr. Zachary Smith: Zachary Smith draws the line at carrying rocks for animals.

"Lost in Space: The Space Croppers (#1.25)" (1966)
[a lowly howl is heard]
Dr. Zachary Smith: What was that?
Will Robinson: Sounded like a wolf to me.
Penny Robinson: There can't be any wolves out here.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, yes, there can. Look!
Will Robinson: All I see are the two moons, and we've seen them before.
Dr. Zachary Smith: But never so bursting with fullness.
Penny Robinson: Is that bad?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Bad, my dear child? It portends the very worst of evil happenings, the night the witches dance and the misbegotten creatures of doom walk the earth, when the dark and dismal voices...
[another lowly howl interrupts]

Dr. Zachary Smith: We should never have stayed out this late.
Will Robinson: And whose fault is that?
Dr. Zachary Smith: This is no time for idle recriminations.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [tasting Judy's bean gravy] Mmm! Delicious.
Judy Robinson: I added some wolf's foot that I found.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ugh!
Judy Robinson: What's wrong, Doctor?
Dr. Zachary Smith: "Wolf's foot?"
Judy Robinson: Oh, that's just the name of an herb that grows on this planet.
Maureen Robinson: It's sort of like, um, oh, club moss. It really gives the sauce a nice tang.
Dr. Zachary Smith: It gave me a very nice TURN.
Penny Robinson: That's because we saw a REAL werewolf tonight.

Will Robinson: If we could get the pipeline finished early, you could go on that safari later.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ah, much as I would like to, I'm afraid this pipeline comes first, and it will probably take me a week.
Will Robinson: But it'll be too late then. The moons will wane.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ah, true, very true.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Ahh, if only this pipeline were finished, then, my boy, you would see Dr. Smith at his best - stalking the beast, cornering him, cowering him with a look.
Will Robinson: Boy, I sure would hate to see you miss a chance like that.

Sybilla: [holding Smith and WIll at gunpoint] And you, sir, and you, young man, are not at all welcome in this place. You may leave at once.
Dr. Zachary Smith: But, madam, as I tried to explain to your daughter, we are merely on safari looking for a werewolf.
Sybilla: "A werewolf" - a very dubious pretext, one I can hardly accept. Werewolves are the unhealthy machinations of timid little minds. Now, be off with you.
Dr. Zachary Smith: But, madam...
Sybilla: Be... off.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [backing away] Yes. Yes.
Sybilla: And STAY... OFF!

Maj. Don West: Well, where is this fascinating family located, Smith. I think we'd all like to meet 'em.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, you will, you will. They need a little more time to settle in. They're not quite ready to receive visitors.
Prof. John Robinson: Oh, is THAT what they said?
Will Robinson: Yeah, with a shotgun.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Give your dear mother my kindest regards. I did so much enjoy meeting her.
Effra: Didn't LOOK like you enjoyed it.

[Loud drumming and chanting attracts the Robinsons to their new neighbors midnight planting]
Effra: You shouldn't outta come. Earthly folks got no business here!
Maureen Robinson: We heard the chanting and we thought you wouldn't mind if we dropped in.
Sybilla: [sternly] We wouldn't mind if you DROPPED OUT the same way you dropped in.
Dr. Zachary Smith: May I compliment you on your singing, madam? Glorious! Glorious!
Sybilla: [obviously affected by Smith's remark, but nonetheless... to the Robinsons] What do you want?
Prof. John Robinson: We're interested in your planting methods, curious about your crop.
Sybilla: Your curiosity has no business here.
Effra: You'll find out soon enough, I reckon.
Maj. Don West: What does that mean?
Effra: Uh, how bad do you wanna know?
Sybilla: [low and threatening] I'll burn your tongue out. What we do - on our land - is exclusively OUR affair.
Prof. John Robinson: Agreed, but...
Sybilla: No "buts." "Buts" invariably lead to explanations, which I do not choose to give. Now we'll have no more talk, and no more VISITING.

Dr. Zachary Smith: It's not my fault if this fugitive from a scrap metal yard is incapable of assessing my virtues.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Exciting news of a romantic nature always attracts listeners. My dear friends, you see before you the happiest man in the world: Sybila has promised to be my wife.
Maj. Don West: Not the witch?
Dr. Zachary Smith: I shall treat that slur with the contempt it deserves.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You barbs fall on deaf ears, Major!

Dr. Zachary Smith: And, uh, that remarkable contraption is your means of transportation?
Effra: There ain't NOTHIN' wrong with it. It gits us places, all over the Pleiades AND the constellation of the big dog AND the constellation of the southern fish. And we even was to Earth, once.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Earth?
Effra: Yeah, only I, uh, didn't like it because there was too many people like YOU.

Sybilla: Where's your brother Keel?
Effra: Oh, he's still out there. He hasn't finished his howlin' yet.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [alarmed and hearing a distant howl] Did she say "howling?"
Sybilla: Mm-hmm, but you won't have to worry about that, Zachary, now that you're one of the family. Just keep an eye on him at the time of the full moon, and the rest of the time he's quite easy to handle, once you get the hang of it - but Efra... Efra can be a trial at times, a real problem child, but I know you'll be masterful enough to handle her, too. Besides, she only practices her little tricks of witchcraft when she's bored or irritated, and then she does some pretty spooky things.
Dr. Zachary Smith: She does?
Sybilla: Hmm. Of course, she inherited those powers from her father and not from me. "My darling little witch child" he used to call her. She absolutely gets carried away when the plants are eating. She may ask you to hover in the sky. She may suspend you up there, but if she does you just outsmart her. You hang up there and close your eyes. It's better not to look while the plants are eating. It gets very messy.
Dr. Zachary Smith: What... do the plants do, Sybila?
Sybilla: They consume, Zachary. Ah... They consume EVERYTHING until there's not a living thing left. Not a stick. Not a THING. Now, aren't you glad that you proposed to me and I accepted you? You're safe with us.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Am I, Sybila?

"Lost in Space: The Challenge (#1.22)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: My dear madam, when you're dealing with a dangerous creature, age is of no consequence: a one-year-old viper is just as formidable as a twelve-year-old viper.

Dr. Zachary Smith: What, may I ask, are you staring at?
Quano: I was wondering if you are a typical specimen of the Earth people.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Typical? I? Certainly not! I have a great deal more intelligence.
Quano: Then you Earthlings, indeed, are a sorry lot - weak and full of vanity.
Maj. Don West: Now, THERE'S the best description of Smith I've EVER heard.

Prof. John Robinson: Is your father with you?
Quano: No. He is The Ruler. He is too busy.
Maj. Don West: What does that mean, Quano, "He's the ruler?"
Quano: In your world there are presidents, kings and dictators. In mine there is only one - The Ruler.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Are you telling us that... your father is the... the LEADER of your planet?
Quano: My command will be law.
Maj. Don West: Well, what do you know? We're entertaining royalty.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Ah, I, of course, am quite familiar with royalty, but that dreadful little prince will bear watching; however, have no fear - Smith is here!

Dr. Zachary Smith: Are you laughing at me, you bubble-headed booby?

Maj. Don West: You've got an angle here, Smith? What is it?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Angle? What angle?
Maj. Don West: You're hiding something. Let's have it.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You tin-plated traitor!

The Robot: My deductions place the chances at ninety to one in our favor. The odds are very good.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Obviously you've miscalculated - again.
The Robot: There is always a margin of error, even in a machine. Only Dr. Zachary Smith is perfect.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I am, indeed, and don't you forget about it.

Quano: My father says "A man who does not speak with directness is not to be trusted."
Dr. Zachary Smith: Perhaps I was a trifle subtle so I'll get right to the point.

The Robot: He has principles.
Dr. Zachary Smith: And I have not? Is that what you're implying?
The Robot: Do you insist on an answer?
Dr. Zachary Smith: At once!
The Robot: And you will not remove my power pack if I speak the truth?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Just answer the question!
The Robot: Then I choose silence.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, you do, do you?

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, the pain, the pain. The end is near. I know it. Oh, dear.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [grinning overly much] Losing one contest doesn't mean anything.
Maj. Don West: You don't have to sound so pleased about it, Smith.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You're a very noble young man, William. Sometimes I wish you were a little less honest - life would be a great deal easier.

"Lost in Space: His Majesty Smith (#1.24)" (1966)
Announcer: [voiceover] Last week, as you recall, Will had joined Dr. Smith and the robot in a search for wild truffles, little dreaming that they would find something far different, something that would plunge them into an incredible adventure with creatures from another, mysterious world.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Dr. Smith, look! A crown!
Will Robinson: I see it's a crown. I have eyes in my head. The question is, what is a crown doing here?

Dr. Zachary Smith: [admiring a crown] Oh, my. Those rubies are as large as hen's eggs.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [having gotten the alien crown off his head] Oh, what a horrible feeling. That thing just wouldn't let go me. A thousand and one pins and needles penetrated every inch of my body. Do be careful with that thing, my boy. It bites.
Will Robinson: Well, it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't touched it. Remember what you said about property rights.
Dr. Zachary Smith: When you grow up, my boy, I hope you will also grow in tolerance for the weaknesses of others. I just couldn't help myself. Put it down. Put it DOWN!
The Robot: There is no danger in this object for the boy.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Quiet, you disreputable dunce! Why didn't you help me in my hour of need?

Dr. Zachary Smith: A fine little lad. I know he'll make an excellent king.
Nexus: But he has refused.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I have a great deal of influence over his young mind. I KNOW I can convince him to see reason. Oh course, it would have to be made worth my while, perhaps a regency until the boy comes of age?
Nexus: That would place a great deal of power in your hands, Dr. Smith. You would be virtually ruler of Andronica and its subject planets.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Suppose the boy continues to refuse?
Nexus: Then we must select another candidate - one of sublime intelligence, extraordinary valor, judicial wisdom and royal bearing.
Dr. Zachary Smith: That does narrow the field somewhat.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I told him that under no circumstances would you even consider accepting the thrown. I told him that we were all believers in the democratic principle and that the divine right of kings had no place among us. In short, I told him to, uh... uh, forget it.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [at the merest suggesting of being made king] Me? Oh, I wouldn't dream of taking on such a burden, a simple man like me.
Nexus: But you said, yourself, you were descended form kings.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Remotely, dear friend. Only remotely.
Nexus: But I'm sure you have those peculiar virtues required of kings.
Dr. Zachary Smith: A compendium of virtues, if I say so myself.
Nexus: We, uh, might do worse in selecting a king.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, then, you couldn't be considering modest, unassuming me?
Nexus: Ah, but we could. In fact, the more I consider it, the more I think you were made for the job, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Zachary Smith: How uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. Do you mean it?
Nexus: I do.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, the pain of it. The royal pain of it all. I ACCEPT!

Dr. Zachary Smith: Ah, one of your quaint religious rites, no doubt. Purely symbolic in nature?
Alien: No-no. Sacrifice king so everybody be happy, well, prosperous in year to come.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Sacrifice the king?
Alien: Skin him, stuff him - very good stuffing, last many years. Ten thousand years from now, you look same, stand in hall of immortal kings, very great honor.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I shall be a new Smith - trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.
Alien: Already is such a Smith.

Daddy Zach: Call me Zach.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Zach, indeed. That I should live to hear my distinguished name bandied about in this fashion.
Daddy Zach: Oh, come-come, Zach, we both know what the name stands for, at least until now.
Dr. Zachary Smith: What do you mean, sir?
Daddy Zach: I mean that you are shiftless, unreliable, cowardly, two-faced and a liar. Shall I go on?
Dr. Zachary Smith: I shall not remain to hear myself insulted.

Will Robinson: Daddy Zach...
Dr. Zachary Smith: Daddy Zach, indeed! I never want to hear that revolting name ever again in my presence!

Alien: Oh, yes, you are king - for Festival of Sacrifice.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Festival of Sacrifice?
Alien: Big festival, everybody come. Drink gloog, make sleemoth.

Alien: We set out bait for you.
Dr. Zachary Smith: For me? But the crown rejected me when I first put it on.
Alien: Make you want it more. Make you lie, betray your friends to become king. You pass test for kind of king we want. Here, have gloog.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Thank you very much.
Alien: It GOOD for you! Make stuffing work better.
Dr. Zachary Smith: But why me? Why take a rascal like me when you have available a noble mind like Professor Robinson or great physical courage like Major West or incipient genius like Will?
Alien: You are USELESS creature; they are USEFUL creatures. Is wasteful to sacrifice useful creatures as king.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You mean, you select your kings because they're useless?
Alien: Sure. Nobody miss them. Nobody care.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Daddy Zach - BAH!

"Lost in Space: The Magic Mirror (#1.21)" (1966)
Prof. John Robinson: [as the cosmic storm subsides] That frame... it looks like metal. Lucky it wasn't hit. You see, we have no idea of knowing what cosmic bolts do to strange metals.
Dr. Zachary Smith: But it's only, uh, worthless tin and lead, mighty poor conductors.
Prof. John Robinson: With alien materials, all sorts of strange changes can occur, mysterious forces released.

Maj. Don West: Uh, what're you looking for?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Uh... my, uh... my heating pad. I loaned it to Mrs. Robinson the other day. She seems to have mislaid it.
Maj. Don West: Well, that's all right because I got something that'll fix your back up just great.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, good.
Maj. Don West: Yeah, it's an old-fashioned restorative instrument.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ah, yes.
Maj. Don West: You will just love this. This is exactly what you need. A shovel.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Come back here you simian-simpleton! Come back here at once, do you here?

Penny Robinson: Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Smith. Did I scare you?
Dr. Zachary Smith: No, my child. That's already been done.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Sunstroke, cosmic psychosis, what difference does it make what I've got? Oh, for such a thing to strike now, to strike the finest mind in the universe, to strike me at my very richest moment. Oh, go away, child, and leave me in peace.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, dear, I'm even sicker than I thought. I have cosmic fever. Oh, dear.

Dr. Zachary Smith: There is definitely something wrong with this thermometer.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [sweetly] Can you hear me, Penny dear? You know that was a dreadful thing you did to me, making me think I was sick and seeing things, but I'll forgive you. You can come out of your hiding place now.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [suddenly angry and threatening] Come out of here; I'm warning you!

Dr. Zachary Smith: This is not magic. This is reality.

The Boy: Penny, how did he get in here? D'you let him in here?
Dr. Zachary Smith: No-no, of course not, my boy. I'm the one who let YOU in. Don't you understand?
The Boy: He's goofy.

Penny Robinson: Dr. Smith, there's an awful beast running around here.
Dr. Zachary Smith: A beast? Yes, of course. I WOULD think of something like that, wouldn't I?
Penny Robinson: Dr. Smith, do you feel all right?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Yes, I do, surprisingly enough. Ohhh. What a fascinating place I've created here for you.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Now-now, my dear. There's noting to be frightened of. You're not really here. And neither is he.

"Lost in Space: Ghost in Space (#1.19)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, the pain, the pain.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Bring your resources to bear and describe what is out there.
The Robot: Invisible, indestructible, irresistible.

Maj. Don West: You put the blasting pack in the hole marked with the arrow?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, indeed I did.
Maj. Don West: Uh-huh. And you put the metal capping back on the hole before you left.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Naturally. That's S.O.P. for all blasting operations.
Maj. Don West: [angry] There IS no arrow, and no metal capping. Now, what did you do with the explosives! I want the truth!

Dr. Zachary Smith: Uncle Thaddeus, you stop that this minute!
Dr. Zachary Smith: [seeing Don aim his laser rifle] What are you doing to him?
Maj. Don West: What's he doing to US?
[Smith pulls Don's laser rifle away]
Maj. Don West: What'd you do that for?
Dr. Zachary Smith: I don't want you to hurt Uncle Thaddeus.
Maj. Don West: It's not your Uncle Thaddeus, you idiot! It's something you started by ditching that explosive in the...
[cut off by an invisible punch, knocking Don backwards]

The Robot: Warning! Warning! Unidentified object caught in trap. Warning! Unidentified object caught in trap. Unidentified object exerting full power to get out of trap. Warning! Warning! Unidentified object exerting full power to get out of trap. Warning! Warning! Warning! Warning! Warning!
Dr. Zachary Smith: Now you've done it! You've given the powers of darkness an open invitation to destroy us all!

[the monster is caught but still invisible]
Maj. Don West: [shouting] For once and for all, Smith, why don't you get it through your thick head that what's in there is NOT your Uncle Thaddeus!
Dr. Zachary Smith: [outraged] Yes, I know, Major! It's mass and energy and similar figments of your nuclear imagination - and if you choose to believe that humbug, you go right ahead and do it! Oh, the ignorance of science!

Dr. Zachary Smith: [on his way to the bog to placate the spirit of Uncle Thaddeus] Oh, oh, oh, the dangers I face for that family!

Dr. Zachary Smith: [wondering how to placate the scary form standing before them] This garlic will probably do the trick.
Will Robinson: [holding his nose] What do you want me to do with it?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Wave it in front of him and repeat after me: Oh, ye herb of evil odor...
Will Robinson: Oh, ye herb of evil odor...
Dr. Zachary Smith: ...Unite with the demons who possess this spirit and render them harmless.
Will Robinson: ...Unite with the demons who possess this spirit and...
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well? Go on! Go on!
Will Robinson: I don't think that's a spirit at all.
Dr. Zachary Smith: What?
Will Robinson: I think it's a dead tree.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [as Will approaches the tree] Don't get too close.
Will Robinson: I'm right. It IS a tree.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [angrily to the tree] Impostor!

Prof. John Robinson: Is Will with you?
Dr. Zachary Smith: [believing Will drowned] He will always be with me.
Prof. John Robinson: Never mind that! Where is he now?
Dr. Zachary Smith: It was a fateful journey, one of which I was prepared to sacrifice myself if need be to save you all.
Prof. John Robinson: Where... is... he?
Dr. Zachary Smith: The bog. The... bog.

Dr. Zachary Smith: From now on I shall devote the rest of my life to the service of my fellow man with no thought of self. That brave little boy shall not have died in vain. A new Zachary Smith shall burst upon the world with a...
Dr. Zachary Smith: [turns and sees Will] NAHHH! On, no! No, not so soon! You can't materialize until I've raised you, and I don't even have my Ouija board.
Will Robinson: But, Dr. Smith...
Dr. Zachary Smith: Haunt me not, oh spirit! I have already repented, I swear to you!
Will Robinson: I'm not a spirit, Dr. Smith. I'm just me.

"Lost in Space: Wild Adventure (#2.2)" (1966)
Prof. John Robinson: We trusted our eyes instead of our instruments. In space that can be a dangerous mistake.
Dr. Zachary Smith: TRY not to let it happen again, please.

Prof. John Robinson: If you've plotted our position, I want you to give it to me.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Only if you give me your word you'll use it to get us back to Earth.
Prof. John Robinson: Why, that's blackmail!
Dr. Zachary Smith: Call it what you will. I have really no interest in camping out again on some dreary cinder in space.

Prof. John Robinson: All right, Smith. You win.
Dr. Zachary Smith: We have a deal?
Prof. John Robinson: Provided your calculations are correct we have a deal.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [singing] "We're going back to Earth / To wonderful wonderful Earth / Of all I recall / It's best part of all / In all the universe. / Oh, we're going back to Earth..." We're really going back to Earth! "Of all I recall / It's the best part of all / in all the universe."

Dr. Zachary Smith: You've broken your solid word of honor, Professor. I warn you, I will not go to Alpha Centauri!
Maj. Don West: No one says you have to, Smith. Anytime you want, I'll stop the Jupiter 2 and let you off.
Dr. Zachary Smith: BAH!

Dr. Zachary Smith: You're a fund of information, aren't you, you lily-livered, lead-lined lummox!

Dr. Zachary Smith: There is more than one way to skin a cat.
The Robot: There are exactly thirty-seven ways.
Dr. Zachary Smith: And I've used them all.

Dr. Zachary Smith: "Dangerous scientific phenomena" indeed, you blithering booby. What could possibly be out there in all that nothingness?
[turns to see a green alien watching him and screams]

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, joy, oh bliss, oh crepe suzette.

"Lost in Space: All That Glitters (#1.26)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Why should I mind sharing my meager belongings with every hobo that wanders by? I have plenty of everything!

Dr. Zachary Smith: Now I've heard everything. This cannot be true. A criminal is sleeping in my bed, wearing my clothes. He'll probably murder us all!
Penny Robinson: Oh, Dr. Smith, you always exaggerate so. Ohan isn't THAT kind of a criminal. He's... well I... guess you call him like sort of, um... an international galactic burglar.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, this is too much. I feel faint.

Ohan: You do not understand. I'm a professional thief. In my world that's a time-honored profession. My father and his father and his father before him were all thieves. The Ohan reputation is respected throughout the whole galaxy.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [witheringly] Yes, I'm sure it is.

Bolix: Who's the leader here!
Maureen Robinson, Dr. Zachary Smith: I am.
Maureen Robinson: Dr. Smith, PLEASE!
Dr. Zachary Smith: REALLY, madam!

Dr. Zachary Smith: We are always happy to see a representative of the law.
Bolix: Then you are an exception to the rule, Dr. Smith. Guilty or not guilty, people are quite uncomfortable in the presence of, uh... what you on Earth call a "flatfoot".
Maureen Robinson: We call them "policemen", and as a rule they're extremely kind and courteous.
Bolix: Well, I seem to get better results using my own methods.

Disk: You wish information?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Yes. Yes, I do.
Disk: Then ask your question.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I would like to know where to find the greatest treasure in the galaxy. Can you tell me?
Disk: Many others have wanted this answer. They were men of greed. All paid a grievous price. All met with misfortune.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Never mind that! Where is the treasure?
Disk: Before I answer - think! Will you settle for untold wealth over all things?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Yes, oh, yes. Tell me.

Dr. Zachary Smith: For a doomed man there is no hope, only darkness and despair.

Dr. Zachary Smith: And I've learned that all that glitters is not gold - and the same may be said for platinum.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, death, where's thy sting?
Disk: Foolish, foolish man. You had everything necessary for happiness, and you gave it all up for what? A cold, unfeeling metal.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I know I deserve to be punished, but not Penny. The child is innocent. She shouldn't have to suffer because of my folly.
Disk: You should have thought of that earlier.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I know, and now it's too late. What a miserable wretch I am.
Disk: Perhaps you have learned a lesson, Dr. Smith?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, I have. I have.
Disk: Then, for once, I will make an exception. I will spare you.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I don't care about myself. It's only Penny I want saved. Where are you? Where are you? Don't leave. You've got to make Penny normal again! Oh.
Penny Robinson: I'm fine, Dr. Smith.

"Lost in Space: The Sky Is Falling (#1.10)" (1965)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Whose opinion are you going to take - that of a mere child or mine?

Dr. Zachary Smith: My primary concern has always been for the welfare and survival of all.
Maj. Don West: You're a self-centered, selfish individual whose primary concern is only one thing - himself.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Mark my words - if you don't destroy this monstrous thing at once, ruin and disaster will follow. We will all suffer a horrible fate. That is my final word on the subject. Now, I'm going to the galley to satisfy the needs of the INNER man.

[Maurine's cake vanishes before everyone's eyes]
Dr. Zachary Smith: You see? I told you we were dealing with a cruel adversary.
Prof. John Robinson: "Cruel," Dr. Smith? We have no proof of that.
Maj. Don West: They probably just wanted the cake for a specimen.
Dr. Zachary Smith: What happens where they decide they need a HUMAN for a specimen?

Dr. Zachary Smith: Where emotion is involved, evidence is not required, only the right word in the right ear at the right time.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You know, Mrs. Robinson, you're an admirable woman. A unique spirit. A pioneer spirit from days of old.
Maureen Robinson: Well, now, why do you say that?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Why? Because it's true. Who knows what terrible misfortune has befallen your young son. Why, at this very moment, he may be in the clutches of some sinister being, suffering indescribable torture...
Judy Robinson: Stop it!
Dr. Zachary Smith: ...but do you weep, do you bewail the fate of your only male offspring? Oh, no. Like the true Spartan woman, you face adversity undaunted, unflinching.

Prof. John Robinson: I said "No shooting."
Dr. Zachary Smith: I just saved your life.
Prof. John Robinson: You just lost your nerve.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [lazing out for a suntan while Will and Don repair the chariot] You see, Will, even as a boy your age I was determined to be a scientist. Believe me, there is no worthier ambition. How gratifying it is to work for the betterment of Mankind, to strive for the unobtainable.
Maj. Don West: How about doing a little striving on this engine?
Dr. Zachary Smith: I am a scientist, not a menial mechanic.
Maj. Don West: You're a 4-star goldbrick, Smith.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but YOUR words can never harm me.
Maj. Don West: [smacking a wrench against his thigh as he approaches Smith] Maybe I can get faster results THIS way.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [quickly getting up] Uh, there is no need for belligerence. You have my cooperation.

"Lost in Space: Wish Upon a Star (#1.11)" (1965)
Dr. Zachary Smith: If I had the intelligence of a goose, I'd still be a genius compared to you!
Maj. Don West: Yeah, well, all that brainpower you're always talking about - it must be well-hidden because nobody ever notices it except yourself!

Will Robinson: I brought you some breakfast.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ah, most kind of you, my boy - ah - but as an expert woodsman I find no difficulty living off the land.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Now, uh, what about a piece of delicious French pastry? Can't make up your mind?
Will Robinson: I was just thinking about Penny and Judy and everyone else.
Dr. Zachary Smith: So?
Will Robinson: It wouldn't be fair for me to have cake when they couldn't.
Dr. Zachary Smith: A noble gesture but hardly realistic.

Will Robinson: You said all you wanted to do was check out the machine.
Dr. Zachary Smith: That's exactly what I've been doing.
Will Robinson: For four days?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well, you see, uh, science is a matter of, uh, trial and error. I had to be sure there was no danger.
Will Robinson: Have you found any?
Dr. Zachary Smith: There are certain problems, uh, but as soon as they're ironed out...
Will Robinson: When will that be?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Uh... eventually, my boy. Eventually.
Will Robinson: What you really mean is - never, don't you, sir?

Maj. Don West: [harshly] What do YOU want?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Now, is that a way to greet Santa Claus, particularly when he has gifts for you all?

Dr. Zachary Smith: We have the gift-horse. Let us not examine its mouth too closely.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I have the thought machine, and I can have anything I want. All I have to do is think and - POOF, heh-heh - it's mine.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I say, Zachary, would you like a servant? Yes, Zachary, you WOULD like a servant.

"Lost in Space: A Change of Space (#1.28)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Agility, like youth, is wasted on children.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [speaking of the alien spaceship] Well, it's of no earthly use to me.
Maureen Robinson: Well, why does everything have to have an "earthly" use, doctor?
Maj. Don West: Don't let him answer that or we'll be standing here hours listening to the miseries of a galactic castaway.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Major, you irk me.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [about the alien space ship] Is it very complicated, my encyclopedic friend?
The Robot: Very compact.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Tell me more.
The Robot: It's design is simplicity itself.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Getting better all the time. How simple?
The Robot: What do you want from me, blood?

Will Robinson: [at the chess board] Don't trouble yourself, Dr. Smith. We're not evenly matched.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Perhaps not, but we COULD have a little chat.
Will Robinson: About what?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, ships and shoes and sealing wax.
Will Robinson: In other words, multidimensional excursion vehicles.

Dr. Zachary Smith: How would you like to give me a few pointers on the technique involved in piloting that vehicle?
Will Robinson: For what ulterior motives, Dr. Smith?
Dr. Zachary Smith: [affronted] Ulterior motives? I?
Will Robinson: All right, then I'll explain them to you: One, you can hardly wait to leave. Two, you're hoping that if you can learn to fly that vehicle, it'll make you some sort of Lord of the Galaxies. Three, if you can ever guide it back to Earth, you'll become... President of the United States at the very least.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Really. I hadn't thought of that, but it does sound intriguing. Go on.
Will Robinson: I'm sorry, Dr. Smith, but you and I don't communicate on the same level of maturity.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I've made a very important decision, Will.
Will Robinson: Oh? Who do you plan to get in trouble THIS time?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, ye of little faith.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You're not very kind, are you? All I want is to see you happy, to give you the companionship and the understanding that you deserve. Isn't that what you need?
Will Robinson: It might be nice to have someone I wouldn't have to talk down to, but there's just one problem.
Dr. Zachary Smith: What problem?
Will Robinson: You're not doing this for me.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, my dear misguided boy!
Will Robinson: We might get on a whole lot better if you'd admit you're doing this for yourself, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You have cut me to the quick. What can I say?
Will Robinson: It doesn't matter, 'cause I'd see through it no matter WHAT you said.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Help an old man up the ramp, girly!

"Lost in Space: One of Our Dogs Is Missing (#1.13)" (1965)
Dr. Zachary Smith: If you wish to spare the tender feelings of your little brood, go right ahead. I at least am willing to face the truth.
Judy Robinson: Suppose you tell us what the truth is, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Gladly. We have been through a barrage.
Judy Robinson: A barrage?
Maureen Robinson: What's going on in that devious mind of yours?
Dr. Zachary Smith: My dear madam, I can hardly expect you as a non-military female to comprehend, but it is painfully clear to me.
Judy Robinson: I'll tell you what's clear to me, Dr. Smith.
Maureen Robinson: Suppose you explain it to us.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Very well. It's a universal military tactic to lay down a barrage before launching... an invasion.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [as a meteor shower bombards the planet] I knew it! Doomsday!

Maureen Robinson: [examining a crater] Well, Judy, what does that look like to you?
Judy Robinson: A meteor crater.
Maureen Robinson: Penny.
Penny Robinson: What else could it be?
Maureen Robinson: Dr. Smith?
Dr. Zachary Smith: A shell hole!

Maureen Robinson: [finding Smith has disassembled all the guns] Can you put these together again?
Dr. Zachary Smith: What exactly do you take me for, Madam, some fumble-fingered recruit?
Maureen Robinson: Frankly, yes!

Dr. Zachary Smith: My dear child, your mind is too young to accept all the harsh realities of life, yet I believe you should know the truth!
Judy Robinson: What truth?
Dr. Zachary Smith: That was not a dog - at least not in the sense of which we think of a dog. It was an alien spy!

Dr. Zachary Smith: This is a dangerous mission. It requires brains - which naturally I can supply - but it also calls for manpower.
The Robot: In bygone days, when manpower was at a premium, it was often necessary to form a posse.
Dr. Zachary Smith: A posse, of course. Now there, again, is a truly inspired thought. The only question is, however, where can I find the men?
The Robot: Only one male remains at your disposal.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Will? Of course.

Dr. Zachary Smith: As I have said many times, "Never fear, Smith is here."

"Lost in Space: The Raft (#1.12)" (1965)
Dr. Zachary Smith: You people are so busy making noise and getting exactly nowhere with your ship-building activities that I've conditioned myself to hear nothing but the dinner bell.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I take it that you're thoroughly familiar with what is necessary to release that bag of wind out there.
The Robot: Thoroughly familiar with bag of wind right here.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You mean me?
The Robot: Affirmative.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Very funny.

Dr. Zachary Smith: But this is home.
Will Robinson: Suppose it's not. Suppose it's just another unknown planet like the one my parents are on. That means you and I are the only ones here and'll have to go on living here forever, maybe. I'll probably live a bit longer than you 'cause I'm not as old as you are.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Bully for you.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Gratitude is not a characteristic of vegetable matter, my boy.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I'm interested only in what is good for Zachary Smith.
Will Robinson: You're telling me?

Will Robinson: What'll probably happen now is, when Don lifts off and heads back to Earth, he'll probably take you with him.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You really think he will?
Will Robinson: As his prisoner.

"Lost in Space: Return from Outer Space (#1.15)" (1965)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well, I'd like you to explain just what you're doing here.
The Robot: All systems preempted. Fixed position must be maintained.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Really? Well, I've got a little work for you that's far more important than experimenting with celery salad or whatever it is that boy's got you doing. Follow me.
The Robot: Imperative that I do not abandon my station. Repeat. Imperative. At 1200 hours initiate signal to matter-transfer unit to return subject to original form and location.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Never mind all that nonsense. You're coming with me.
The Robot: Imperative that I do not abandon my...
Dr. Zachary Smith: [yanking out Robot's power pack and holding it up] That is a little 'imperative' you didn't bargain for.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Ahh. Now then my dear friend. I should like to hear a brief, but compelling statement on the sterling character of one Zachary Smith.
The Robot: Does not compute.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Spare me the editorial comments.
The Robot: It is now 1142 hours by Earth time.
[Backs away from Smith]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, no, you don't. Oh!
The Robot: [Fires electric bolts near Smith as a warning] Imperative that I do not abandon my station. At 1200 hours, initiate signal to return subject to original form and location.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You will scrub that and pay attention to me, do you hear?
[Yelps as Robot fires warning blast again]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Come back here at once! That's an order.
[Runs after Robot]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Come back at once! This is an order!

Dr. Zachary Smith: You and I will never be friends, Major.
Maj. Don West: That is the first logical assumption you've ever made.

The Robot: Dr. Smith has always been a loyal and self-sacrificing member of the Jupiter 2 crew. He is incapable of telling the truth.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, very good. What did you say?
The Robot: Imperative that I do not aban...
Dr. Zachary Smith: [switching off the robot] You're wearing my patience very thin. You will erase that last statement and correct it to read: "Dr. Smith is incapable of telling a lie." Repeat.
[Smith switches robot back on]
The Robot: Dr. Smith is incapable.
Dr. Zachary Smith: "OF TELLING A LIE," you ninny! Finish it!

Dr. Zachary Smith: Go away, Major. You irk me.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Out of the way. I am being summoned.

"Lost in Space: Invaders from the Fifth Dimension (#1.8)" (1965)
Prof. John Robinson: Get down!
Maj. Don West: So that's the monster.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Now that doesn't look very monstrous, does it?
Maj. Don West: Neither do you... Do you suppose we could blast them out?
[Alien spacecraft begins powering up for departure]
The Robot: The craft is surrounded by a force field in the fifth dimension, which is... mathematically... impossible.
Prof. John Robinson: I guess it takes a human being to accept the impossible.
Maureen Robinson: Stop them! Can't you stop them?
The Robot: Negative.
Prof. John Robinson: [Holds Maureen back] Maureen!
Maureen Robinson: Will!
Prof. John Robinson: I order you to try!
The Robot: They will disable me.
Prof. John Robinson: [Sternly] I order you to try and stop them!
[Places hand on laser pistol for emphasis]
Prof. John Robinson: [Robot slowly advances and fires a volley of energy projectiles, which bounce off the spacecraft. The last bolt ricochets back on the Robot, disabling him]
Prof. John Robinson: Again! I order you to try!
Dr. Zachary Smith: It's no use. It's just like throwing good money after bad, if you don't mind the comparison.
Prof. John Robinson: I DO mind.

Dr. Zachary Smith: If it's natives you're after, there's a whole tribe of them right down there in the valley. Eh, the natives here are called "Robinsons." I could show you the way.

Alien: One of the circuits in our guidance control system has worn out. We must replace what you would call a computer.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ah, well, the natives down there, they've got a slew of computers in their spaceship. I could get one for you right away if you'll let me go.
Alien: Primitive toys! A million times a million of them would not replace one of OUR components.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Then... whadda you want with me?
Alien: Only one type of computer will serve our needs.
Dr. Zachary Smith: What's that?
Alien: A humanoid brain.
Dr. Zachary Smith: A WHAT?
Alien: Even such a primitive one as yours.
Dr. Zachary Smith: MINE?
Alien: Only a portion of it.

Alien: We may have to reduce your size somewhat to fit the available space.
Dr. Zachary Smith: That's impossible! You can't!
Alien: Why do you say that?

Dr. Zachary Smith: Come along, my boy. We're almost there.
Will Robinson: How much further is it?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well, now... not quite as close as your shadow nor quite as far as Texas but somewhere between.

[Will is about to put his hands into some clear liquid trickling down a rock face when Dr. Smith hauls him back abruptly]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Don't touch that!
Will Robinson: Wha...!
Dr. Zachary Smith: That stuff would have taken the hide off you quicker than a peach in boiling oil.
Will Robinson: But I've seen Mom use the same kind of water to cook in.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Dear boy, it may look the same but chemically it's no closer to water than chalk is to cheese.
Will Robinson: You know what I think? I think you're just fooling me. I don't think there's any danger to me OR to my folks. I think you just took me away from them to get even or to force 'em to take you back - or I don't KNOW what!
[Dr. Smith walks away smugly then sits and looks at Will, grinning]
Dr. Zachary Smith: All right. If you think I'm a humbug, go right ahead and put your hand in the water. Go on. You shouldn't be afraid to put your hand in what seems to be clear, HARMLESS drinking water. Go on.
[Will makes several attempts to touch the running fluid but doubt restrains him]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well?

"Lost in Space: The Keeper: Part 1 (#1.16)" (1966)
Prof. John Robinson: Tell us about the cage.
The Robot: Special thermo-genetic unit adjusts to the biological need of each imprisoned animal.
Maj. Don West: What's the range of temperature?
The Robot: From 300° above zero to 150° below zero.
Prof. John Robinson: What sort of animals live at those temperatures?
Dr. Zachary Smith: I hope we never have the misfortune to find out.

Dr. Zachary Smith: All we need to do is to have the Keeper allow us to come aboard his spaceship. I said before, there are seven of us. It would be a simple matter.
Maureen Robinson: No! Absolutely no!
Dr. Zachary Smith: I understand your objections, Mrs. Robinson, but sometimes violence is a necessity.
Maureen Robinson: Well, Dr. Smith, no matter how much I want to get off this planet, I won't resort to violence to do so.
Dr. Zachary Smith: In this situation, the end more than amply justifies the means.
Prof. John Robinson: Well, not to me it doesn't, and unless I'm badly mistaken, not to anyone else at this table, and that concludes the matter.

Dr. Zachary Smith: When I was a child I, too, thought like a child, but when I became a man, I had to think like a man.
Will Robinson: I don't think it matters WHAT age you are: if you're dishonest you're dishonest, and that's all there is to it.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I want to talk to you, sir.
The Keeper: What could you say that would be of interest to me?
Dr. Zachary Smith: How would you like to add some new animals to your collection?
The Keeper: Are you referring to members of the Robinson party?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Certainly not, sir. I assure you they are a very poor selection indeed. But it's an entirely different story on Earth. The planet literally swarms with all sorts of strange creatures.
The Keeper: [wearied] Yes, I'm beginning to realize that.

Prof. John Robinson: [about to lock Smith in his cabin for the night] Hey, Dr. Smith, I think you'd better get inside. Don, you take the first watch.
Maj. Don West: All right.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Very well, I'll go, but I know I shan't sleep a wink. I'll need something to read.
Prof. John Robinson: [enthusiastically] Well, we'll get you a book.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I'm thirsty.
Prof. John Robinson: And a glass of water.
Dr. Zachary Smith: A little music might help to pass the time.
Prof. John Robinson: Oh. Well, you can have one of Penny's tapes.
Dr. Zachary Smith: And I'd like the robot to keep me company.
Prof. John Robinson: [shoving Smith in his cabin] Get inside!
Dr. Zachary Smith: [affronted] Really!

Dr. Zachary Smith: I'm still in my cage, madam. I've just been fed, so I am not dangerous. You may open the door.

"Lost in Space: The Keeper: Part 2 (#1.17)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Safely aboard. You will take off immediately.
The Robot: I will need time to study the controls.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You may have exactly five seconds. Well? What are you waiting for?
The Robot: I must scan and compute control systems. I do not wish to make an error.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You always have to make a problem out of everything, don't you? It's all perfectly simple. This one probably starts the power system.
The Robot: Warning. Do not tamper with alien controls.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Nonsense. Any one of these could whisk us away from here.
[Touches control and hears ominous sound]
Dr. Zachary Smith: I wonder what that was.
[Touches another control and door opens, loud growling heard]
Dr. Zachary Smith: I think I may have done something wrong. Come along.
[Dr. Smith and the Robot leave the ship]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well, come along! Come along, you ninny! It's all your fault, you tin-plated fool. We missed a golden opportunity to leave this miserable planet!
The Robot: Danger! Extreme danger! All creatures escaping!
[Growling as creatures escape down the ramp]
Dr. Zachary Smith: No!
[Smith and the Robot watch as dozens of creatures escape. A gigantic owl-like creature swoops down and advances towards Smith, who screams]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Do something you fool! Don't just stand there!
[Robot blasts creature with laser beam and it disintegrates]
The Robot: Immediate danger has passed. Period of reasonable safety will ensure.
Dr. Zachary Smith: 'Reasonable safety' isn't good enough for me. Let's get back to complete safety of the Jupiter 2.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Since all The Keeper's animals have been released, he now has plenty of room for passengers. Perhaps we can persuade him to take us back to Earth. After all, what else can he do?
The Robot: Destroy all of us for what you have done.
Dr. Zachary Smith: What "I" have done? Now you listen to me, you ungrateful wretch. You will erase that from your memory banks. He must never know we were responsible.
The Robot: Not "we," "you."

Prof. John Robinson: I was hoping you'd show up.
The Keeper: Were you?
Prof. John Robinson: If you hadn't come to see us, I'd have come to see you.
The Keeper: You're either a good lier, Prof. Robinson, or you are innocent. I intend to find out which.
Maj. Don West: Now, wait a minute...
The Keeper: Silence! You try my patience. I should destroy all of you now, reduce you to pitiful grains of dust which the winds would blow away across the wasteland of this planet.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I'm sure the young man meant no harm. Uh, let us all try to keep our tempers and act like intelligent beings.
The Keeper: "Intelligent beings" - you flatter yourself. You are less than the insects which I crush beneath my heal as I walk.

The Keeper: You have released hundreds of animals. They will eventually take over this planet. You will not be able to perform the most simple task outside without being exposed to danger.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You will HAVE to take us back to Earth now, won't you? It wouldn't be humane to leave us here to die.
The Keeper: You not only act like a fool you talk like one.

The Keeper: You deserve to be punished after what you have done.
Dr. Zachary Smith: But I didn't turn your animals loose for myself. It was for everyone!
The Keeper: Your sincerity has the hollowness of a lie. What a miserable creature you are, but I have need of you.

Dr. Zachary Smith: For one so young you have an old memory.

"Lost in Space: Blast Off Into Space (#2.1)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: My dear sir, at the risk of appearing curious, may I ask what you were blasting FOR?
Nerim: Cosmonium.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Cosmonium? Cos... I don't believe I've ever heard of it. I don't suppose it's very... precious?
Nerim: Well, it is, if you know HOW to get it and what to do with it.

Will Robinson: [appraising Nerim's cosmonium] It looks like you've got little bits of sun there, Mr. Nerim.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Don't be ridiculous, Will. What possible use could there be for "little bits of sun?"
Nerim: Well, the boy's smarter than YOU are, Zack boy. "Bits of sun" is just about what this is - quintescence of the living force that thaws the ice and melts the snow and puts living breath in everything that grows. That's a sight more precious than diamonds, ain't it, Zach boy?

Dr. Zachary Smith: Now that's a trilling bit of news, you bumbling birdbrain.

Will Robinson: [to John] And don't worry about Dr. Smith. I'll take care of HIM.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [witheringly] What a comfort you are in my hour of need.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You, uh... you will bear me out, won't you, Will, when I tell them that I meant no harm? It was just, uh... It was just a vagrant impulse.
Will Robinson: [irritated] You have to explain that yourself. I don't know what a vagrant impulse means.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, the pain. The pain.

"Lost in Space: The Reluctant Stowaway (#1.1)" (1965)
Dr. Zachary Smith: [Talking on small communicator radio] Aeolis 14 Umbra. Come in please. Do you read me? Mission accomplished. Mission accomplished. What do I do now? What clever instructions do you have for me now? How much more money are you going to pay me for this excursion?
Dr. Zachary Smith: [Sees meteor zooming past observation window] Aeolis 14 Umbra, do you know where I am? Do you know? DO YOU KNOW?
[Dr. Smith throws radio to floor, then flips Robot power switch on console only to half way position, then leaves]
The Robot: Incompleted circuit. Incompleted circuit! Damage may result!
[Flips switch back to on position]
The Robot: Damage averted. All systems operative.

Dr. Zachary Smith: The power pack! Pull out the power pack!
Maureen Robinson: John, look out! Penny, hang on!
Maj. Don West: [Trying to stop Robot from burning through cabin pressure control on wall] He's breaking through!
Dr. Zachary Smith: Pull out the power pack!

Maureen Robinson: Dr. Smith, is it possible that certain parts of the body don't reanimate as quickly as others? The heart, for instance?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Mrs. Robinson, I'm afraid the decision no longer rests in your hands or the computer's.
Prof. John Robinson: What do you mean?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Your son...
Maureen Robinson: What about him?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, there's no cause for alarm. Not yet at any rate.
Will Robinson: [Downstairs, addressing Robot] Stop it! Stop it! I order you to stop!
The Robot: [pauses] Negative.
[Robot smashes arm against console, causing damage and wild gyration of ship, then takes elevator upstairs]
The Robot: Destroy!
[Begins slowly lumbering forward]
The Robot: Destroy!
Dr. Zachary Smith: No, no! Abort! Can you hear me? Abort! Abort! Abort!
[Robot blasts Dr. Smith with bolts of electricity, hurling him to the floor]

Will Robinson: Am I okay, doctor? Did I pass?
Dr. Zachary Smith: You'll do.

Will Robinson: My dad said you were left aboard when you came down to adjust the helium/nitrogen intake.
Dr. Zachary Smith: That's right.
Will Robinson: But the helium/nitrogen intake valve's on the UPPER level.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh? Well... Who said anything about the intake valve? It was the emergency supply I was concerned about.

"Lost in Space: Island in the Sky (#1.3)" (1965)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Tell me, my friend, are you robot enough to crush this helmet?
The Robot: Affirmative.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You have my permission to do so.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [to the Robot] Only one person is currently if use to us - Major Don West. "Useful" because he's the only one who can pilot this spaceship. Since the others serve no purpose, they must be liquidated. When we have learned what we need to know from Major West, he will be liquidated as well. With me, so far?
The Robot: Affirmative. Destroy everyone.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well, now, that's hardly a delicate way of putting it. I prefer the term "eliminate." It's so much tidier.

Dr. Zachary Smith: My dear Dr. Robinson, I can't begin to describe how happy I am at finding you alive.
Maj. Don West: Now I'LL tell one.

The Robot: I do not vote. I am not programmed for free choice.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Don't worry about it. It's vastly overrated.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I ask myself why all this bitterness and strife? Why all this intense rivalry? After all, we all belong to the same race... uh... the human race... embarked on an exploration of that greatest of mysteries, the unknown universe.

"Lost in Space: The Sky Pirate (#1.18)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Now listen carefully. There's a very dangerous man on the hill with the boy. He's going to kill all of us unless you kill him first.
The Robot: The Prime Directive forbids taking human life.
Dr. Zachary Smith: The Directive is canceled. Now, get on with it!
The Robot: Then I will follow your orders.
Captain Alonzo P. Tucker: [Speaking to Will] Boy, you take a look and see if that there Smith feller is on his way back yet.
[Sees the Robot advancing]
Captain Alonzo P. Tucker: Balls of fire! It's a man of tin.
[Robot fires energy blast at Tucker]
Will Robinson: Look out!
[Robot blasts again]
Captain Alonzo P. Tucker: Why, that there hunk of walkin' wash boiler!
Will Robinson: We'd better run, Mr. Tucker.
Captain Alonzo P. Tucker: Run, is it?
[Whistles loudly and the robot's power pack is instantly transported into Tucker's hands]

The Robot: Warning. Warning. Situation dangerous. Red alert. Red alert.
Will Robinson: Captain Tucker! What's that?
Captain Alonzo P. Tucker: That's the thing from Cygnet Four.
Maureen Robinson: John? I think I understand now why there was only darkness when Will thought of us. This is the end, tonight, here. Right now. There won't be any tomorrows.
Prof. John Robinson: Not yet. We've still got the Robot.
[to Smith]
Prof. John Robinson: Tell him to go out there and try to stop that thing.
Dr. Zachary Smith: It's no use. We're all doomed.
Prof. John Robinson: Do it!
Dr. Zachary Smith: Come here! That thing out there - what is it? What can you do about it? Can you stop it?
The Robot: In order of questions asked - One: It does not compute. Two: I can perform any function of an environmental control nature, as well as...
Dr. Zachary Smith: I know that. Get to the point.
The Robot: Three: Since alien life-form does not compute, this question can only be answered by trial-and-error method.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well, don't just stand there. Go out and try!
Prof. John Robinson: Maybe the force field will hold it. It's coming through the force field!
[the Robot fires one blast of energy at the creature, which has no effect]

Dr. Zachary Smith: In a trice I shall be ready to fight my weight in tigers.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Professor Robinson gives his word that he will carry out the terms of the agreement and you will not be molested.
Captain Alonzo P. Tucker: He gives his word, ay? Would you take it if you were me?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Certainly not.
Captain Alonzo P. Tucker: Well, now, that there's good enough for me. You go back there and tell 'im it's a bargain.
Dr. Zachary Smith: But I don't understand. I advised you to do the op...
Captain Alonzo P. Tucker: I figure a feller can't go wrong if he listens to your advice and does exactly the opposite.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, the pain, the pain.

"Lost in Space: War of the Robots (#1.20)" (1966)
The Robot: [to Dr. Smith] Object fish has eluded capture.
Will Robinson: He got away, sir.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Not even the greatest expert could have landed that monster. He must have weighed a hundred pounds.
Will Robinson: ALL your fish got away.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Are you suggesting my failure is due to a lack of ability?
Will Robinson: Well, you're the only one who didn't catch anything.
The Robot: As you have said, "The proof of the pudding is in the eating."

Dr. Zachary Smith: Where are you, you miserable mass of metal?

Dr. Zachary Smith: Spare the punishment and spoil the robot? Is that what you want, sir?
Prof. John Robinson: We're dealing with a machine, not a child.
Will Robinson: The way HE'S been acting lately, I'm not so sure.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Now you listen to me, you fugitive from a junk heap: when a question is asked, you will answer.

The Robot: Do you need any help, Dr. Smith?
Dr. Zachary Smith: [cruelly] There are many things which need to be done, but, unfortunately, you are incapable of doing any of them.
The Robot: No one requires my services anymore.
Dr. Zachary Smith: An astute observation. You, sir, have reached the end of the line. The joyride is over. I had planned to redesign you possibly into a pleasure vehicle, but I think you would be substandard even as that.
The Robot: What is my course of action?
Dr. Zachary Smith: A quick departure seems a very good choice.
The Robot: Are you sure there is no other solution?
Dr. Zachary Smith: None whatsoever, goodbye.
The Robot: Then I will go. Say goodbye to the others for me?
Dr. Zachary Smith: I will, goodbye.
The Robot: Especially Will.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Yes-yes-yes, goodbye.
The Robot: Fair well, Dr. Smith.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I detest drawn out departures. Go and get it over with.

"Lost in Space: The Ghost Planet (#2.3)" (1966)
Space Control Officer O-3: I have a few questions I'd like you to answer. Are you ready to answer them?
Dr. Zachary Smith: I'd like to leave.
Space Control Officer O-3: So soon? You've only just arrived. You know, there's really nothing we can't do for those who cooperate with us.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Does that include returning me to Earth?
Space Control Officer O-3: Of course, but why should you want to go back there when there's so much here for you to enjoy? The riches of the entire universe, supreme power over the fate of every living thing, undreamed of luxury - all waiting for a cooperative visitor.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, my dear good friend, my favorite companion through incredible ordeals, just give me some word, some message of hope.
The Robot: "Never fear, Smith is here." Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.

Dr. Zachary Smith: The moment I get out of here, I'll sell you down the river of no return, you tin-plated tyrant.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Hold your tongue, you silly goose!

The Robot: Warning! Extreme danger!
Penny Robinson: What is it?
The Robot: Object pursuing us is a hyper-atomic missile.
Dr. Zachary Smith: A hyper-atomic missile? Where did it come from?
The Robot: It has been launched by the automated planet in protest to our leaving. Advise a change of course immediately. If not, we will be destroyed.

"Lost in Space: The Oasis (#1.9)" (1965)
[John and Don discover Dr. Smith taking a shower with the last of their water supply]
Prof. John Robinson: I ought to kick you clear into orbit for taking a shower at a time like this.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I couldn't wait another day. I was losing precious body fluids besides feeling very icky.

Maureen Robinson: Dr. Smith! Don't eat that!
[She knocks the fruit out of his hand]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well! You didn't have to do that. There's plenty more.
Maureen Robinson: How many of these have you eaten?
Dr. Zachary Smith: It was only my second, and I must say it's delicious, a very exotic flavor. Now, you needn't worry. There's plenty for everyone, just don't worry at all about it.
Maureen Robinson: But you don't understand! This fruit hasn't been tested. It might be...
Dr. Zachary Smith: May be what? Tell me.
Maureen Robinson: Poisonous! Oh, WHY couldn't you have waited?

Dr. Zachary Smith: I know how you all feel about me! Another mouth to feed! Another thirst to quench! "Oh, yes, let's get rid of him! This is our chance." That's the way your evil minds worked, wasn't it?

Will Robinson: [excited that the water conversion unit is working again] We should get a pint of water apiece from it every day.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [not enthused] A pint. I'll use it for eyewash - for one eye.

"Lost in Space: The Derelict (#1.2)" (1965)
[With John and Maureen passed out from the heat of an approaching comet, Don struggles to open the jammed hatch door and pull them inside]
Dr. Zachary Smith: I hope you children are more familiar with the navigation of this ship than I am.
Will Robinson: Why?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Well, if the heat out there should affect our pilot...
Will Robinson: [angrily] D'you always have to say things like that?

Dr. Zachary Smith: Calling Aeolus-14-Umbra. Aeolus-14-Umbra. We have sighted your spaceship. Do you have instructions?

Will Robinson: [seeing Dr. Smith raise his gun] No! Don't shoot! He was in that thing. I disturbed him. I think I can communicate with him.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [horrified] Not human! Nothing! And I was so sure.
Will Robinson: Human? Out here? Billions of miles from the Earth?
[Smith raises gun]
Will Robinson: No! Don't! Maybe they can help us. I mean, they're not like us, but maybe they are.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Very well, my boy. See what you can do.

[the roused alien gives off an electrical discharge, quite possibly its manner of communication]
Dr. Zachary Smith: What do you suppose THAT means?
Will Robinson: I don't know. I don't think it likes being asked to guide us anywhere.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Let me try.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [to alien] Uh, we are from the planet Earth. Uh, we're perfectly willing to stay here if you show ME how your guidence system can get us back there.
Will Robinson: But we don't WANNA go back there to Earth, Dr. Smith. We wanna go to Alpha Centauri.
Dr. Zachary Smith: YOU do. Not I. Doesn't really mater. It doesn't seem very cooperative.
Will Robinson: He WAS before YOU got here.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Very well. Try again. And I hope you realize how important their guidence system would be to us.
Will Robinson: [to alien] My parents are on the Jupiter 2 spaceship, and my sisters and Major West - he's our pilot - and Dr. Smith here... well... he just seemed to be aboard when we lifted off.
Dr. Zachary Smith: He's not intersted in your passenger list. Ask him something sensible.
Will Robinson: I can't ask him ANYTHING until I get him to realize I don't mean him any harm!
Will Robinson: [to alien] We are friendly. We're from the planet Earth. We are on our way to Alpha Centauri.
Dr. Zachary Smith: No, no, no! Back to Earth!
Will Robinson: He doesn't seem to read me no matter WHAT I say.
Dr. Zachary Smith: He'll read THIS!
[Dr. Smith shoots the alien]
Will Robinson: You've ruined EVERYTHING!

"Lost in Space: My Friend, Mr. Nobody (#1.7)" (1965)
Maj. Don West: John, the laser guns. It's our only hope.
Prof. John Robinson: We can't! If we let it get that close to the ship, we'll be blown apart.
Will Robinson: The robot, dad. He has laser circuits.
Prof. John Robinson: You hear that, Smith?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Maximum firing level, circular range. Fire all directions on command.
The Robot: Circuits armed and ready.
Judy Robinson: Hurry up! It's getting closer!
Maj. Don West: I just hope he can break that force apart.
Prof. John Robinson: All right. Get him moving!
Dr. Zachary Smith: March, my metallic hero. March!
[Robot begins moving toward cosmic creature]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Tell me when, sir. Tell me when.
Prof. John Robinson: Not yet. Wait until he's close to its center.
[Robot continues his advance]
Prof. John Robinson: All right. Start firing and continue his marching.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [Speaking on two way radio] Fire! March! Fire!
[Robot unleashes devastating array of energy bolts on cosmic creature, but with no apparent effect]

Dr. Zachary Smith: Faint heart never built Fort Knox, my cowardly friend.

Dr. Zachary Smith: What's the matter?
Maj. Don West: D'you hear that? It sounded like thunder.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Sky seems clear enough.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [holding up Penny's diamond necklace] When I think of the value of these rocks back on Earth - oh, the pain, the pain.

"The Nostalgia Critic: Quest for Camelot (#3.10)" (2010)
Spider Smith: Spiders!

Nostalgia Critic: You know what you need to do, Dr. Smith?
Spider Smith: Does it involve spiders?
Nostalgia Critic: No, you need to be diabolical. Actually fool people into thinking you're a kind, gentle, caring person. You think you can do that?
Spider Smith: [thinks for a moment] I think the boat sort of sailed on that one.
Nostalgia Critic: Alright, well don't bother me anymore. I got a review to do.
Spider Smith: Wait, there is one more important thing. It's imperative that you must know!
Nostalgia Critic: What? What?
Spider Smith: Spiders!

Spider Smith: I want to seize power and control with a legion of spiders.

Spider Smith: Did someone question my subtle acting?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on, Dr. Smith, you're about as subtle as a fucking train wreck.
Nostalgia Critic: On a boat.

"Lost in Space: Follow the Leader (#1.29)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Be still, you bubble-headed booby!

Will Robinson: If you can help dad, I'm all for it.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Very well, I shall undertake to start working on my patient at the earliest opportunity.
The Robot: May I speak?
Dr. Zachary Smith: You have my permission.
The Robot: In my opinion, it is not Professor Robinson who needs psychiatric treatment. It is his doctor.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Just you wait, you deplorable dummy.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Let me handle the professor. Possibly you're unaware that I'm completely familiar with the latest techniques in the field of psychiatry.
Maj. Don West: As a doctor or a patient?
Dr. Zachary Smith: Spare me your insulting barbs, Major, or I shall withdraw my offer of help.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Spare me your philosophical comments, you blithering bumpkin!

"Lost in Space: The Hungry Sea (#1.5)" (1965)
Dr. Zachary Smith: No planet could have an orbit like this. Not even this woebegone, flea-bitten chunk of depressed galactic real estate.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [radioing the chariot] Turn back at once before it's too late. You're in terrible danger. You've got to believe me.
Prof. John Robinson: Smith, this is Robinson. Now why on earth should we believe you?
Dr. Zachary Smith: May I remind you, my dear sir, that we are no longer "on Earth."
Prof. John Robinson: Oh, that's very clever.
Dr. Zachary Smith: And unless you turn around and come back right now, you won't survive another hour.

The Robot: Outside temperature: 59 degrees Fahrenheit and rising.
Dr. Zachary Smith: I've known people to make conversation about the weather, but this is ridiculous.

"Lost in Space: Welcome Stranger (#1.6)" (1965)
Dr. Zachary Smith: [as everyone gazes at the image on the scanner] I hope it's not one of those alien monstrosities.
Maj. Don West: It's no pigeon, that's for sure.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [invited to join the scouting party] Me? Out there? Defenseless?
Prof. John Robinson: Oh, we all have our guns.
Dr. Zachary Smith: What use are they going to be against a monster who eats electrons for breakfast?

Dr. Zachary Smith: [hanging onto Will] Don't be afraid, Will. Just, uh... keep calm.
Will Robinson: I am.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You see, these alien creatures may be very terrifying. You mustn't panic, you know. And don't tremble.
Will Robinson: I'm not, YOU are.

"Lost in Space: There Were Giants in the Earth (#1.4)" (1965)
Will Robinson: Can you lend me a hand for a few minutes?
Dr. Zachary Smith: My dear boy, I would be doing you a disservice if I offered assistance. Little set-backs are good for the young. They build character.

Judy Robinson: Don said it wasn't safe to use any of the native soil.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ridiculous. However, I will take a little sample of this to the lab for a soil analysis. Meanwhile, my dear, you carry on with your planting. Uh, by the way, what are you setting out.
Judy Robinson: Potatoes, peas, carrots, tomatoes, squash and corn.
Dr. Zachary Smith: And little green onions, my dear?
[Judy nods]
Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, yes, indeed, PLENTY of little green onions. Yes. Carry on.

"Lost in Space: Two Weeks in Space (#3.13)" (1967)
Dr. Zachary Smith: [after Non hits Smith in the head with her shuttlecock] Oh I am so sorry. How so stupid of me to allow my head to dent your dainty little shuttlecock.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [the Robot is complaining about being overworked] I never said that hotel work would be easy.
The Robot: *Two* doing the work of *three* is never easy.
Dr. Zachary Smith: How dare you!

"Lost in Space: The Space Creature (#3.10)" (1967)
Will Robinson: Stay where you are. I know who you are now.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You do? I...don't. You're sure you do?
Will Robinson: I'm certain and I'm not afraid of you.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Not afraid of your own id?
Will Robinson: My what?
Dr. Zachary Smith: ID!! I...D ID!!
Will Robinson: You can't scare me with your big words.

"Lost in Space: A Visit to Hades (#2.12)" (1966)
Morbus: [dressed like the Devil] Well Zachary, so you finally got here!
Dr. Zachary Smith: Good heavens!
Morbus: Hahaha... Guess AGAIN!

"Lost in Space: The Galaxy Gift (#2.30)" (1967)
Penny Robinson: [On her knees] Oh, please, sir. Do not throw us out into the raging storm.
The Robot: Because, baby it's cold out there.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Ohh! That does it. I resign. How can we put on a serious play when this metallic ham will not follow the script?
Will Robinson: This play doesn't need a director. It needs a referee. Now, when you're all ready to take this seriously, call me!
The Robot: Do not leave, Will Robinson. We need you.
Dr. Zachary Smith: We don't need the writer or the director. All we need is the star - me. Penny, let's try it from my entrance. I will knock, and you will answer.
The Robot: What was my line again?
Dr. Zachary Smith: "Just on moment!"
The Robot: Oh, yes, now I remember.
Penny Robinson: Waiting for the knock at the door, Dr. Smith.

"Lost in Space: The Flaming Planet (#3.22)" (1968)
The Robot: My computers indicate that the plant has attached itself to the outside of the ship as it thinks Dr. Smith to be its mother.
Dr. Zachary Smith: You tattletale!

"Lost in Space: The Lost Civilization (#1.27)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: You neanderthal ninny! How dare you disturb my rest!
The Robot: I wanted to let you know that I've come back.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Indeed. What possibly difference could that make to anyone?
The Robot: Everyone has someone. I have only you.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Have you, indeed? Depart! What're you staring at?
The Robot: For a moment you reminded me of someone.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [bored] Really? Who?
The Robot: Sleeping Beauty. Haa ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Dr. Zachary Smith: Stop that absurd laughter and leave at once, you monstrous metallurgical medler! I'm in no mood for your heavy-handed levity!

"Lost in Space: The Promised Planet (#3.19)" (1968)
Dr. Zachary Smith: Let's all freak out together, man!

"Lost in Space: The Wreck of the Robot (#2.13)" (1966)
Dr. Zachary Smith: [Speaking to the robot] You quivering quintessence of fear!

"Lost in Space: Castles in Space (#3.14)" (1967)
Dr. Zachary Smith: People are usually inspired when I tell of my legendary performance.
The Robot: Legend: a romantic story which is usually not true.
Dr. Zachary Smith: Mind your manners or you'll lose your friends, you pot belly pumpkin!

"The Nostalgia Critic: It (#3.48)" (2010)
Nostalgia Critic: [drunk] I'm playing the Stephen King drinking game.
Spider Sam: Good God! That game's been known to kill!

"Lost in Space: The Time Merchant (#3.18)" (1968)
The Robot: [Chasing Smith around a chair] There is no time for playing games, I advise you to come peacefully.
Dr. Zachary Smith: [Keeping chair between Robot and himself] You'll never take me alive!
The Robot: Your condition is unimportant, you must be on that ship at blast off!

"Lost in Space: The Questing Beast (#2.17)" (1967)
Dr. Smith: It's not the quarry that makes the hunt nor the goal the game.

"Lost in Space: Target: Earth (#3.16)" (1968)
Dr. Zachary Smith: [Talking about his alien double] That bogus me isn't me at all. He's thoroughly incompetent.
Will Robinson: That's you all over, Dr. Smith.