Archie Johnson
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Quotes for
Archie Johnson (Character)
from "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (2000)

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"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Random Acts of Violence (#3.13)" (2003)
[after Nick takes Archie to a crime scene at a software company]
Greg Sanders: I thought we had a relationship going! What are you doing taking Archie into the field instead of me?
Nick Stokes: Right tool for the right job, man.
Greg Sanders: What do you mean?
Nick Stokes: Hey, Archie? What's that "Star Trek" episode with that guy and the forehead thingy and the time portal...?
Archie: Original, TNG, Deep Space Nine, Voyager or Enterprise?
Greg Sanders: Point taken.
Archie: ...Or were you thinking about Farscape?
Nick Stokes: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Archie: [about a girl in the case] Oh Serina, you can defrag my hard drive anytime.

[to Nick about girl in a case]
Archie: Wow, Serena, you can defrag my hard drive any time.

"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Fallen Idols (#7.17)" (2007)
Sara Sidle: You rang?
Archie Johnson: Yes, found the owner of that cell phone.
Sara Sidle: Megan.
Archie Johnson: Nope. Shiela Latham.
Sara Sidle: What is Megan's best friend's cell phone doing in the front seat of her boyfriend's van?
Archie Johnson: [singing] If that's your boyfriend, if that's your boyfriend...
Sara Sidle, Archie Johnson: He wasn't last night.

"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Time of Your Death (#6.22)" (2006)
Gil Grissom: [Archie stands up and shakes his legs] What are you doing?
Archie: I've been watching movies for three days straight... my butt fell asleep.

"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Let the Seller Beware (#3.3)" (2002)
[watching an attractive girl undress in a video]
Nick Stokes: BLAM.
Archie: You can say THAT again.
Nick Stokes: BLAM.
Catherine Willows: Down boys.

"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Bodies in Motion (#6.1)" (2005)
[last lines]
Archie Johnson: The tape was pretty mangled. Enhancement and noise cancellation increase intelligibility, but it alters timber and tone. So, I don't know there's any more I can do here. You know, Nick recorded a message on the flip side of the tape. You think maybe we should
Gil Grissom: [interrupts] No! This is between you and me.

"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Lab Rats (#7.20)" (2007)
Archie Johnson: Later betties.
Hodges: Quitter.
Archie Johnson: Glory whore.

"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Werewolves (#6.11)" (2006)
Archie Johnson: [looking at the body in the morgue] And I thought Robin Williams' arms were hairy.

"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: A Space Oddity (#9.20)" (2009)
Greg Sanders: [after watching the fanboys denounce "Astro Quest Redux"] So let me get this straight: some nerd takes a cheesy '60s sci-fi show and turns it into something a little more realistic - minus the spaceship, of course - and the other nerds get pissed off enough that they beat him up and kill him over it?
Archie Johnson: People don't like it when you mess with their heroes.