Wendy Simms
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Quotes for
Wendy Simms (Character)
from "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (2000)

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"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Lab Rats (#7.20)" (2007)
Wendy Simms: Well, we're working under the assumption that the killer was a foster kid, right? With probably an abusive childhood, so, a bloody baby doll. I mean, it's really not much of a stretch to say the doll represents the killer.
Hodges: Grissom had something on that.
[opens case file]
Hodges: "Freud's theory on the uncanny raises the point that as children we want the doll to come to life. But as adults, we are terrified by the idea. The doll could represent the uncanny that is feared. The Sandman."
Wendy Simms: Right, or exactly what I just said.

Hodges: This is exactly why I didn't invite you to join us: you take over everything.
Wendy Simms: I ...
Hodges: [cutting her off] Grissom asked me to gather some techs to review the miniature cases, like a think-tank.
Wendy Simms: Yeah, I know they told me. So... kudos to you.
Hodges: I hand selected them with careful consideration to group dynamics.
Wendy Simms: Well, I can see that. I mean it's you and your backup singers. You're Davy Hodges and the Lemmings.
[with fake enthusiasm]
Wendy Simms: You should take your act out on the road.
Henry Andrews: [off screen] We can hear you.
Wendy Simms: Look, the only reason you don't like me is because I actually stand up to you, which by the way is exactly what you need. I mean, come on, you know I'd be good at all this miniature stuff.
Hodges: That's not the only reason.
Wendy Simms: Really? Okay, what is it?
Hodges: You think you're too cool.
Wendy Simms: Oh my God, what are we, twelve?
Hodges: I don't know, are we?
Wendy Simms: [steps toward him] I don't know, are we?

Wendy Simms: Look, the only reason you don't like me is because I actually stand up to you, which by the way is exactly what you need. I mean, come on, you know I'd be good at all this miniature stuff.
Hodges: That's not the only reason.
Wendy Simms: Really? Okay, what is it?
Hodges: You think you're too cool.
Wendy Simms: Oh my God, what are we, twelve?
Hodges: I don't know, are we?
Wendy Simms: I don't know, are we?
[Hodges doesn't answer]

Wendy Simms: But is it still considered food if it's alive and clucking?
Henry Andrews: Then you haven't been to Pennsylvania.

Sara Sidle: Hey.
Wendy Simms: Hey.
Sara Sidle: Here you go. I checked under the keys.
[she hands Wendy a keyboard]
Sara Sidle: Crusty white stains, pale blue under ALS.
Wendy Simms: Semen, huh? What made you check under the keys?
Sara Sidle: A butt print
[models with her hands]
Sara Sidle: on the credenza.
Wendy Simms: Yeah, okay, that's gross.
Sara Sidle: CDC contacted us because the whole office has a herpes simplex one outbreak, and nobody could figure out why. I guess you never really know what's going on in your office.

Wendy Simms: Hey Sara, is it true that the miniature cases have been keeping Grissom up at night?
Sara Sidle: [defensive] How would I know?
Wendy Simms: I just thought that maybe you guys all talk about it, and Hodges told me that Grissom confided in him and you know what, never mind, just forget I even asked.
Sara Sidle: Well, listen, I don't know what Hodges has been telling you but do you really think that Grissom would confide in him, about anything?
Wendy Simms: No, of course not.

Hodges: What?
Wendy Simms: That was a very good idea.
Hodges: Well, I have one occasionally.

Henry Andrews: [sometime after Wendy uses Hodges phone to call the killer's phone it starts ringing] Did you guys see "Scream"?
Hodges: [giving him a look but attempting to disguise his voice] Hello?... Oh, hi, Catherine. Have I seen Wendy? No, she hasn't been at her desk all day.
Wendy Simms: Gimme.
Hodges: Let me go look... for her.
[Wendy grabs the phone]
Hodges: Oh... Oh wait here she is.
Wendy Simms: Loser.

Hodges: What's this?
Wendy Simms: You frickin' broke it! That's destroying evidence
Hodges: I can fix it

Greg Sanders: Have any of you guys seen Grissom?
[Henry, Hodges and Wendy turn around and hide the miniature]
Hodges: [they shake their heads no] Some garlic bread? Some wine maybe?
Greg Sanders: Kiss my ass. I'd like to see you crawl around in a dumpster determining the difference between blood and marinara sauce with six mobster goons giving you the stink eye
Henry Andrews: Don't know anything about that, were held up in a lab all day
Greg Sanders: What are you guys doing? You know what forget it, I don't even care. I have to go take a shower, would one of you please call janitorial and have them clean my Denali?
Wendy Simms: Sure
Greg Sanders: Oh and I think the killer might have thrown up in the alley, full panel. Enjoy.

Wendy Simms: What on god's green earth possessed you to do this?
Hodges: It was my lucky day.
Wendy Simms: What?
Hodges: It's my lucky day
Hodges: [music plays and a flashback of Hodges walking toward the crime lab appears. He finds a dollar on the ground then looks up to see a pretty woman walking by him while smiling at him. He puts the dollar in a vending machine and buys lucky chips and while going to get them two more bags fall. Then he walks into his lab and checks his email and the Three's company board game he bidded on is his. Then his results print out and he got a match of 1 out of 600 billion] When you walked away it was like the stars aligned, it was my lucky day.
Wendy Simms: Lucky? You're a scientist.
Hodges: I was trying to help Grissom
Wendy Simms: C'mon if Gil Grissom were here he'd slap your face

Henry Andrews: [Wendy walks into door frame]
[whispering]
Henry Andrews: Red dog barks at midnight.
Wendy Simms: What are you guys doing in here?
Hodges: Nothing
[everybody starts to leave the room]
Wendy Simms: [Hodges confronts Wendy] Alright freak boy, your phone has been ringing off the hook, so I finally answered it and Warrick and Nick said they have a ton off trace and they need you to clear the desks.
Hodges: No problem. After you.
Wendy Simms: After you.
Hodges: [walks away]
[Wendy stands at the door looking into the room puzzled]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Pirates of the Third Reich (#6.15)" (2006)
Wendy Simms: ...and, the eye ball belonged to a Jack Landers, who - is a convicted sex offender.
Sara Sidle: Would sticking your eye ball into a woman's eye socket constitute as sex offence?
Wendy Simms: Well, rape is legally defined as putting an unwanted foreign object into a genital opening - so, sexual? No.
Sara Sidle: But... offensive - yeah.

Wendy Simms: I have a question. How do you have sex with the guy who killed your daughter?
Gil Grissom: Revenge is an act of passion.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Big Shots (#7.19)" (2007)
Wendy Simms: You know, if you're still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that this isn't your lab, I suggest counseling.
Greg Sanders: I would like you to run these, please?
Wendy Simms: M'kay.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Field Mice (#10.18)" (2010)
Wendy Simms: Hey. I saw you and Henry in the hall earlier and...
David Hodges: Look, I haven't been messing with Henry. I'm not trying to spoil your date and I hope that you guys have a very nice life together.
Wendy Simms: I really wasn't trying to blame you for anything. I was just checking in.
David Hodges: Why are your hands in your pockets?
Wendy Simms: [awkwardly] Because I'm socially awkward and it gives me a sense of security.
David Hodges: [throws a cardboard box at her head. When she doesn't take her hands out, he continues] You know, after Henry accused me I suspected that someone was trying to pin their practical jokes on me so... I mixed up a little something called "Detection Spray" and I put it all over the surfaces that I thought Henry would most vulnerable to pranks, including his locker. It's essentially a ninhydrin solution that goes on clear and reacts with the amino salts in perspiration, leaving a stain on anyone who touches it. And the more that the person tries to wash it off, the more the stain spreads.
Wendy Simms: That's really fascinating - I should go.
[starts to leave]
David Hodges: I can last up to five days. You may want to wear a dress with pockets tonight.
Wendy Simms: [stops and turns around. After a moment, she takes her hands out and shows him the stain] I'm not proud of this.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: A Space Oddity (#9.20)" (2009)
Wendy Simms: So if you're having some fantasies about me dressed up in a tin foil bikini dancing around in a casbah on a strange alien planet then... *good.*
David Hodges: Good?
Wendy Simms: Yes, *good.* Because it means you're not as oblivious as everyone around here seems to think you are.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Theory of Everything (#8.15)" (2008)
Wendy Simms: What do you think turned it green?
Hodges: It might be sulfur.
Wendy Simms: Sulfur is a naturally occurring component of blood.
Hodges: But in massive doses, it tends to turn blood a blackish, avocado green. When the sulfur atom attaches to the hemoglobin molecule, it turns green. Which is why First Officer Spock's blood is green in Star Trek.
Wendy Simms: No, it's not.
Hodges: Yes, it is. Trust me, I'm an expert.
Wendy Simms: Well, apparently not, because otherwise you would surely know that the oxidizing agent in Vulcan blood is copper and that is why his blood is green. I mean that and the fact that he had a Vulcan father since his mother was actually human. And furthermore, he was promoted to Captain just prior to Star Trek II and then he retired as a civilian ambassador.
Hodges: You're like a geeky, nerdy guy trapped in a woman's body.
Wendy Simms: So are you.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Law of Gravity (#7.15)" (2007)
Wendy Simms: Hey.
Michael Keppler: [Looking up, roused from his daydream] Hey.
Wendy Simms: I said, "How do you feel about butt implants?"
Michael Keppler: [Uncertainly] You don't need 'em?
Wendy Simms: [Smiling] Thank you. I wasn't really talking about me, but...
Michael Keppler: [Sheepishly] Oh, right. Sorry.