Nick Stokes
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Nick Stokes (Character)
from "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (2000)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Accused Is Entitled (#3.2)" (2002)
Nick Stokes: This is total BS!
Gil Grissom: Nick...
Nick Stokes: There was blood on Havilin's hand!
Gil Grissom: Nick, go get a soda.

Nick Stokes: Beans and franks, this one's a man.

Greg Sanders: So, how does the victim's blood end up in the suspects mouth?
Nick Stokes: Murder is a messy job my friend

Catherine Willows: D.A. just got the call. Tom's manager hired Marjorie Westcott to defend him.
Nick Stokes: Soundbite Westcott?
Catherine Willows: Guilty, rich client, high-profile case it's right up her alley. Publicity for her new cable show.
Gil Grissom: Forget about who's involved. We do this like we do any other case.

Casino Owner: Can the casino do anything to hurry this up, Mr. Stokes?
Nick Stokes: I'm processing as fast as I can, sir. It would help if I had the dice used at this table.
Casino Owner: We replace the dice every hour.
Nick Stokes: I've got my work cut out for me then, don't I?

Gil Grissom: Tom Haviland's attorneys are not waiving time.
Nick Stokes: Are you serious?
Sara Sidle: They're actually exercising their right to a speedy trial?
Gil Grissom: No requests for continuances, no stall tactics. They're pushing for their day in court.
Warrick Brown: Good defense attorney always does the last thing you expect.
Catherine Willows: Yeah. What typically drags on for months has now been put on the fast track and the prelim is less than 72 hours.
Greg Sanders: I'm only done processing half the evidence.
Catherine Willows: You're going to have to call in help, because if the judge thinks that our evidence isn't strong enough to go to trial, he's going to dismiss the charges on Tom.
Sara Sidle: Can't the D.A. drop the charges and we'll refile when we get our evidence together?
Catherine Willows: Sure, but the odds are that Tom will relocate to Europe and pull a Polanski.
Greg Sanders: And what's a Polanski?
Gil Grissom: Get-out-of-jail-free card. One more thing: Westcott just added a forensic scientist to their roster. She wants him to examine every piece of evidence we have against Haviland.
Nick Stokes: As soon as it's processed they'll get a copy of our report.
Gil Grissom: They're entitled to see it as it's processed.
Nick Stokes: I've never done a case where the defendant took advantage of that rule of discovery.
Gil Grissom: Well, when you can't attack the evidence itself, you attack the method of gathering the evidence.
Sara Sidle: So who's their guy?
Gil Grissom: Dr. Phillip Gerard.
Sara Sidle: Phillip Gerard? Your mentor is their forensic scientist?
Gil Grissom: Yeah. Marjorie Westcott's a smart lawyer.

Greg Sanders: [to Nick] So, now you have to find it on the surveillance tape?
Nick Stokes: If I want to present it to a jury, yeah. Nowadays, people expect a show.
[hands the test results back to Greg]
Nick Stokes: I should've gone to film school.

Nick Stokes: [as they are reviewing video surveillance] Looks like Raymond was disposing of the bodies for your client. You think he ran out of time before he could move Kim's out?
Dr. Phillip Gerard: Or Ray was disposing of them for himself. You've just supplied Tom Haviland with reasonable doubt.
Nick Stokes: No. What I showed you on video is Ray in the casino during the time the murders were committed.
Dr. Phillip Gerard: His zeal is clouding his judgment. It's not what did happen; it's what the jury will believe could have happened.

Captain Jim Brass: [when Tonya's body is found] Did, uh, Tom Haviland ever play a boxer? Girl's face looks like hamburger meat.
Gil Grissom: Looks like uncontrollable rage to me.
Nick Stokes: Grissom, you might want to come down here.
Gil Grissom: Just say it, Nick.
Nick Stokes: Beans and franks. Tonya's a man.
Gil Grissom: Looks like that old Hollywood saying: "Never get caught with a dead girl or a live boy." So, let's see Tom's in bed with what he thinks are two girls. He reaches down on one, becomes very confused. Most guys would have just cleared the room and gargled with whiskey. But Movie Boy, who brags about doing his own stunts, couldn't take the thought of having a man in his bed, so he freaked out.

Catherine Willows: [to Nick] Remember, if you get stuck just maintain the same posture. If there's any adjustments, you're seen as squirming. It's going to make you look shifty.
Nick Stokes: Thanks, Cath. You know, I've done this before.
Catherine Willows: Well, I've done it longer.

Nick Stokes: [Catherine waits outside the courtroom on the bench; Nick comes out] Damn!
Catherine Willows: What?
Nick Stokes: Damn, damn, damn. I forgot to put case identifiers on my dice photos.
Catherine Willows: Date, time and file number?
Nick Stokes: Yeah.
[Catherine doesn't say anything]
Nick Stokes: Don't look at me that way, okay? I wrote it down on the evidence envelope. I had to move fast. The casino manager wanted us out of there.
Catherine Willows: The dice places Tom at the murder. Victim's blood mixed with his saliva.

Nick Stokes: I was sweating bullets looking at those photos.
Catherine Willows: Did the judge exclude the dice?
Nick Stokes: No. No, just my credibility.

Warrick Brown: Damn! Why didn't I see that coming? Gambling?
Nick Stokes: Hey, we're all in Nevada. It's legal; don't worry about it.
Warrick Brown: Legal doesn't matter in there. You know the judge is going to throw out our blood evidence, right?
Nick Stokes: Truth is, it is compromised, Warrick.
Warrick Brown: The blood is fine. It's their methods that are dirty.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Unusual Suspect (#6.18)" (2006)
Sara Sidle: I bet you really liked high school.
Nick Stokes: Yeah. Playin' football, chasin' girls, books when I wanted to learn somethin', what's not to like?

David Hodges: Ah, teen lust. It's starts with some chemistry, mess around with some biology.
[Nick and Sara give each other looks]
David Hodges: And once you have some experience under your belt then you introduce the physics. Apparently chivalry is not dead. The bloody fingerprint tested positive for nonoxynol spermicide.
Nick Stokes: So much for the boyfriend.
Sara Sidle: If we can't pin this on Hannah or Marlon, they could both walk.
David Hodges: You could flip a coin.

Mandy Webster: Twelve year old killer, huh?
Nick Stokes: Starting to look that way.
Mandy Webster: I bet that Grand Theft Auto had something to do with it.
Nick Stokes: Mmm, I don't know, I don't think Hannah is the video game type.
Mandy Webster: You never know. Between you and me, I actually think it's a ton of fun.

Sara Sidle: [reading what's on Hannah's dress] Rainbow party?
Nick Stokes: Yeah, it's a party game where the boys get the girls to wear different colored lipsticks while they have oral sex. The boy with the most colors wins. It's supposed to be trendy.
Sara Sidle: So much for spin the bottle.

Sara Sidle: Do you have any physical evidence that would conclusively rule Hannah out as a suspect?
Nick Stokes: Well... yeah. She's four-foot three and sixty-five pounds. The crime just required more strength than she's got.
Catherine Willows: How old is she?
Nick Stokes: 12.
Warrick Brown: In high school?
Nick Stokes: She's a high school senior. She skipped six grades. She's a prodigy.
Sara Sidle: Which means that she has the brains for murder.

Conrad Ecklie: [to Nick] Good news is Judge Crawford denied the defense's motion to dismiss.
Nick Stokes: Of course he did. She's just a mixed-up kid trying to protect her older brother. All the evidence points to Marlon.
Conrad Ecklie: Yeah, and all the jury's going to remember is a little girl in a bloody shirt confessing to murder. That's reasonable doubt on a silver platter.

Nick Stokes: [to Marlon] You moved the body, you buried it.
Marlon West: I know I did; I was there. What's the problem?
Nick Stokes: Well, the problem is what happened in the locker room. I mean, you're not the kind of guy who puts sodium in a showerhead to get back at somebody. You just trip them in the hallway.
Marlon West: So you think I'm too stupid to have done it. Great, join the club.
Nick Stokes: I don't think you're stupid, Marlon; I didn't say you were stupid. But this is Hannah's game. The whole way.

Nick Stokes: The evidence says either one of them could have done it, but I think they were in it together.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Okay, I'll proceed against Marlon for the murder and bring charges against Hannah for conspiracy.
Conrad Ecklie: Another trial? You sure you want to go through all this again?
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Stacy's parents and the community will have my ass if I don't.
Sara Sidle: Well, then maybe this is good news. I was just going over Sofia's notes from the original investigation. The night of the murder, Hannah and Marlon's parents had left them alone in the house. A pizza was delivered to the residence around 9:00 PM.
Nick Stokes: That's right around Stacy's TOD.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: So, did anybody talk to the delivery guy?
Sara Sidle: Yes, and at the point that Sofia did, a month had passed. Now, the delivery guy's at the house all the time. He recognized photos of both kids, but he could not be sure which one answered the door that night.
Nick Stokes: But one of them did answer the door.
[Sara nods]
Nick Stokes: So that means they were not together at the time Stacy was killed.
Conrad Ecklie: Yeah. So much for conspiracy. We're right back where we started.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Where we are is in the crapper. Look, I have to disclose the cart. Defense is going to eat me alive.
Nick Stokes: Marlon's your guy. He's your guy - just because Hannah wasn't there doesn't mean she didn't help plan this.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Well, I sure hope it's Marlon, because he's the one we have on trial.
Nick Stokes: I stand by the case we filed.
Conrad Ecklie: I agree. The girl's just trying to protect him.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Sara?
Sara Sidle: This was more about brains than brawn. I think Hannah did it.
Conrad Ecklie: Two out of three.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: In my world, that's called an acquittal.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Bully for You (#2.4)" (2001)
Sara Sidle: [Sara smells like decomp] Give me a mint.
Nick Stokes: You're gonna need more than one.

Nick Stokes: [to Sara after she flirts with Hank] Nothin' like flirting over a DB
[laughs]

Night Club Manager: Look, I was just doing my job.
Nick Stokes: Hey... treating another human being like garbage is not a job. It's a choice.

Sara Sidle: Soup?
Nick Stokes: Human... soup. Well, we are 73.5% liquid, eh, Dave?
David Phillips: Add some bacteria, a couple gases, and... voila!

Catherine Willows: So what were you in high school, Nick?
Nick Stokes: Me? I was... dependable.
Catherine Willows: Dependable?
Warrick Brown: He's trying to say he was unpopular.

Club manager: Listen, this guy was scaring my customers, so I drove him out of town.
Nick Stokes: You didn't, by any chance, happen to put him in a bag and dropped him off a hill into a gully did you?

Nick Stokes: Shut up. She was not.
Warrick Brown: I saw her in action.
Nick Stokes: Really?
Warrick Brown: Yeah, she was.
Nick Stokes: Catherine?
Catherine Willows: I was what?
Warrick Brown: I was just telling Nick how you were a big bully in high school.
Catherine Willows: A bully? All right, I guess I was. But, I mean, not the kind that people want to take a gun out and shoot.
Warrick Brown: No.
Nick Stokes: No, no. You were the kind that guys fall all over themselves trying to impress.
Catherine Willows: Like you, Nick, huh? Oh, Nick... what were you in high school?
Nick Stokes: Me? I was, uh... I was "dependable".
Catherine Willows: Dependable.
Nick Stokes: Mmhmm.
Catherine Willows: Dependable jock, dependable stoner?
Nick Stokes: No. Never a strap, never a smoker. Just all-around "dependable" guy, I guess.
Warrick Brown: Cath laughs. right before Sara walks into the break room: What Nick's trying to say he was unpopular.
Nick Stokes: pointing at Warrick for emphasis: No, no I'll tell you what I wasn't; I wasn't a Mac Daddy wannabe with a 'Members Only' jacket.
Warrick Brown: What's wrong with those Member's Only jackets? They were kinda cool back in the day.
Sara Sidle: Nick, Ronny's got something on Liquid Man, says it's hot.
Nick Stokes: Great.
Warrick Brown: Hey Sara, what were you in high school?
Sara Sidle: Nick walks past her and sniffs: Science nerd.
Nick Stokes: whispers: You changed? But you still smell. Let's go.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Rashomama (#6.21)" (2006)
Nick Stokes: "You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." The perfume of American beauties was everywhere, though a rose by any other name would have smelled just as sweet with that much love in the air.

Sara Sidle: Why do we always eat here?
Greg Sanders: Open 24 hours.
Sara Sidle: Everything in Vegas is open 24 hours.
Greg Sanders: It's tradition
Nick Stokes: [walks in from car] Mmmm. Smells like bacon. Slide over.
[sits down]
Nick Stokes: That scene took forever. We were there, like what, 9 hours.
Sara Sidle: 11.
Greg Sanders: Dead laywer and 200 eyewitnesses? That's gonna take a while.
Nick Stokes: [nods] Why do we always eat here?
Greg Sanders: [smiling] It's tradition.
Sara Sidle: Ah, tradition. Like becoming a property exchange between your father and your husband.

Greg Sanders: We could compare them to the buccal swabs that we collected... if we still had them
Sara Sidle: Well, we just have to recollect them.
Greg Sanders: All 200 of them?
Sara Sidle: eah. And since we can't leave... someone else is... gonna have... to recollect them.
Nick Stokes: This is crap! I've been waiting on IAB for 14 hours. I'm tired, and I kinda smell. And I don't have a friggin' car

Nick Stokes: Come for the wedding, stay for the funeral.

Sara Sidle: I need your hands.
Nick Stokes: I thought you'd never ask.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Grave Danger (#5.25)" (2005)
Nick Stokes: [in the coffin; saying good bye to his family and friends; speaking to Grissom] I disappointed you.
Gil Grissom: [at the lab watching the video] No you never did, Nick.

Nick Stokes: [Nick is seen on video feed saying something unheard, possible "I never meant to disappoint you."]
Gil Grissom: You never did, Nicky.

Gil Grissom: Alright, Poncho, we're gonna open the lid and get you out, but I need you to stay lying dowm. Okay? Or else you'll blow us all up. You understand that?
Nick Stokes: Yeah, yeah.
Gil Grissom: Do you promise, Poncho?
[Nick nods]
Gil Grissom: Say I promise.
Nick Stokes: [crying] I promise.

Nick Stokes: [to Kelly] In a few years, when you get out of here, don't take it with you.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Who Are You? (#1.6)" (2000)
Nick Stokes: So, can you tell me where the sand came from?
Greg Sanders: I might have to do some field research to find out. You think Grissom would send me to Hawaii?

Greg Sanders: It's not real sand. It's finely crushed granite.
Nick Stokes: What does that mean?
Gil Grissom: It means she wasn't killed in Hawaii. Other than that, he has no idea.

Nick Stokes: Mrs Hendler, do you and your husband do much rock climbing?
Amy Hendler: Yes.
[points gun at Nick]
Amy Hendler: That's what I killed her with.

Nick Stokes: Mrs. Hendler, do you and your husband do much rock climbing?
Amy Hendler: Yes.
[points gun at Nick]
Amy Hendler: That's what I killed her with.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Leapin' Lizards (#7.22)" (2007)
Warrick Brown: Fire in the hole!
[Warrick fires gun]
Nick Stokes: [flinching] You're supposed to let me get these things on.
[he indicates the muffs around his neck]
Warrick Brown: Hey, you were supposed to be ready. I don't know man. Maybe it would work out better if Tina was someone who did what we did. At least she'd understand the hours.
Nick Stokes: Well, I don't know. I don't think it's a good idea to date someone you work with. You never really get to get away from work, or them the way you need to.
Warrick Brown: You mean like you and me, Baby?
Nick Stokes: Yeah exactly, Honey.

Sara Sidle: [looking at the pigs] I think the fat one likes you.
Nick Stokes: They always do.

Nick Stokes: [pointing to his fingers] Want my theory? This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, and this little piggy had China.

Sara Sidle: Hi.
Nick Stokes: Hey.
Sara Sidle: What are you doing?
Nick Stokes: Well, I read about this farmer in Canada who killed a bunch of women and fed them to his pigs.
Sara Sidle: Oh.
Nick Stokes: Yeah, their health department had to put out a bulletin that said "Warning, your pork may be contaminated with human."
Sara Sidle: I'm so glad I'm a vegetarian.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Fannysmackin' (#7.4)" (2006)
Cole 'Pig' Tritt: Man, there has been an ass whoppin' on every block!
Nick Stokes: There's about to be an ass whoppin' on this one

Nick Stokes: I am sick of these punks, man. I'm serious, I'm sick of it.
Warrick Brown: Then you're in the wrong town.
Nick Stokes: Maybe.

Catherine Willows: Pig and the piglets are in the pigpen.
Warrick Brown: About time. Finally some good news.
Catherine Willows: Did you know Pig, a.k.a Cole Tritt, was the only adult? The rest were all under 18. One was 14.
Warrick Brown: You're kidding. Who raises these kids?
Catherine Willows: I mean, they weren't all delinquents. Demetrius James was a college student.
Nick Stokes: Hangin' out with the wrong crowd in the wrong town. I'm tellin' ya, havin' a fake I.D in Las Vegas is like havin' a - a free ticket on the hell train. Sex, drugs, gambling, no adult supervision, 24/7, by the time they're 21 they've done and seen it all.
Catherine Willows: Make me slit my wrists why don't ya? I'm raising a teenager here.
Warrick Brown: Ah, you're doin' a great job, Linds is gonna turn out to be a beautiful young woman. Besides, I grew up in Vegas, I didn't turn out so bad, did I?
Nick Stokes: Yeah. That was pre-Mirage. Back when you were goin' to the casino, playin' the arcade games. Nah, Vegas is a different animal now.
Warrick Brown: Yeah, these kids need to beat people up in the street to be entertained. They need some good discipline, they need their grandmother whuppin' their ass like I had.
Nick Stokes: Yeah, a good slap.
Sara Sidle: You know, it kinda sounds like you guys are blaming everyone but these kids. I mean, you don't get a bye just because you grew up here or your parents are on drugs or - - those kids were perfectly capable of telling the difference between a wild night out and beating somebody to death.
Gil Grissom: The truth is, a moral compass can only point you in the right direction, it can't make you go there. Our culture preaches that you shouldn't be ashamed of anything you do anymore. And unfortunately this city is built on the principle that there's no such thing as guilt. "Do whatever you want, we won't tell." So without a conscience, there's nothing to stop you from killing someone. And evidently you don't even have to feel bad about it.

Nick Stokes: Now, "y'all" is plural. Believe me, I used the word a lot.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Goodbye and Good Luck (#8.7)" (2007)
Marlon West: I'm telling you, I didn't kill Kira. I've never lied to you. Not once. You just never believe me. When I'm guilty, you want me to be innocent. When I'm innocent, you want me to be guilty.
Nick Stokes: Hey, you know what, Marlon? You can save it, 'cause unlike most people, you're not going to get me to underestimate you. I already know you're every bit as smart as your sister, especially when it comes to creating confusion.

Nick Stokes: [about Marlon West] He confessed. It was later thrown out on a technicality. We really didn't need it. The prosecution's case against Marlon was very strong.
Sara Sidle: Until Marlon's little sister Hannah got on the stand and confessed to the murder herself.
Catherine Willows: Oh, yes, I remember this case. A high school senior at age 12.
Nick Stokes: She's a pint-size Machiavelli. She manipulated events, fabricated evidence, and in the end...
Sara Sidle: She claimed that she did it because she loved Marlon. Some warped sense of justice... She graduated later that summer, became legally emancipated from her parents and went off to Harvard, pre-med.
Gil Grissom: You keeping tabs on her?
Sara Sidle: Not recently. Look, accident or no accident, Marlon killed before. Hannah sunk this case, Marlon got a free pass, and now he's killed again.
Catherine Willows: Well, we don't know that just yet. I mean, we don't have Marlon's DNA to compare with the semen that was found in the victim. All the old evidence was expunged with the verdict.
Sara Sidle: I want this case.
Gil Grissom: The one that got away?
Sara Sidle: We're not supposed to let them get away, right?

Greg Sanders: Looks like our vic was in a goth band. You know, I used to be goth.
Nick Stokes: Mh-hmm.
Greg Sanders: Yeah, the goth-thing was just an act. Chicks dug it.
Nick Stokes: How does that work?
Greg Sanders: You act depressed to get chicks, you get depressed chicks.

Nick Stokes: What guy would like having his little sister around to watch as he gets his ass kicked in front of his girlfriend?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Let the Seller Beware (#3.3)" (2002)
Nick Stokes: You can *not* be *serious*!
Warrick Brown: Hey! John MacEnroe. Where's the game?

[watching an attractive girl undress in a video]
Nick Stokes: BLAM.
Archie: You can say THAT again.
Nick Stokes: BLAM.
Catherine Willows: Down boys.

Warrick Brown: [Warrick opens the closet door to find a cardboard figure of the Realtor inside] Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Now, that's something.
Nick Stokes: What the hell is THAT?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Table Stakes (#1.15)" (2001)
Catherine Willows: Well, according to her credit card records Portia Richmond hasn't spent a dime since she's been in the Mediterranean.
Sara Sidle: She's dead.
Catherine Willows: Not necessarily. She may have been... swept off her feet.
Nick Stokes: Some guys still like to foot the bill.
Sara Sidle: How would you know?
Nick Stokes: Hey, I only go dutch if girls ask the wrong question.
Catherine Willows: What question it that, Nick?
Nick Stokes: "What do you drive?"
Sara Sidle: It's a legitimate question.
Nick Stokes: No, it's not. What it means is "how much do you make so you can take care of me".

Nick Stokes: [walks in to see Greg lively doing his work] What up, G?
Sara Sidle: You're awake, I hate you.
Greg Sanders: Couple glasses of merlot, a rack of lamb on my day off. I slept like a baby yesterday. You look horrible.
Sara Sidle: Thanks, Greg.
[Greg looks at Nick]
Nick Stokes: Don't look at me. I got 'sunshine' all night.
[Nick glances over at Sara who glares back at him, definitely catching exactly who he's calling "sunshine"]
Nick Stokes: Check for DNA in the sexual assault kit and the fingernail, please.
Sara Sidle: Everything has to be in CODIS ASAP.
Greg Sanders: Oh, is that all? I want to know who's going to authorize my overtime?
Sara Sidle: Suck it up, Greg. You're well-rested.
[Sara walks away]
Greg Sanders: [to Nick] You want a valium for her?
Sara Sidle: [from a distance] I heard that!

Sara Sidle: What am I, working food and beverage at one of the hotels? I haven't had a day off in three weeks
Sara Sidle: I mean if they're gonna call me in, throw me a bone, give me the 4-19 on the elevator
Nick Stokes: Someone's bitter
Sara Sidle: I'm tired
Nick Stokes: You, tired, I thought you never sleep
[Sara yawns loudly]
Nick Stokes: [Nick laughs]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Boom (#1.13)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: You told me you weren't dating her.
Nick Stokes: I wasn't. Till last night.

Catherine Willows: [Nick is suspected of murdering Kristy] I think we'd better head over to the police station.
Nick Stokes: DNA didn't pan out huh?
Catherine Willows: Never have I seen such a clean match. Jack Willman killed her.
Nick Stokes: Thank you.
Catherine Willows: Hey, I'm just doing my job. Besides if they'd sent you to jail I'd get stuck with all your cases.

Nick Stokes: I'm not sleeping with her if that makes a difference.
Gil Grissom: It does.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Good, the Bad and the Dominatrix (#7.23)" (2007)
Nick Stokes: [about lab resutls] Are you sure about this?
Hodges: I just finished a diabolical sudoku in six minutes flat. I'm positive.

Hodges: [on seeing Nick's shirt covered in blood] Have you been shaving with a broken beer bottle?
Nick Stokes: No, no. Some drunk driver ran into a radio car at my crime scene, freaking idiot.
Hodges: Yeah, I heard you pulled the freaking idiot's friend out of a burning car.
Nick Stokes: Nothing was on fire, and I didn't pull anybody from anywhere.
Hodges: Ah, so humble. You know some people are just destined for greatness.

Warrick Brown: [on picking up the victims purse] This things heavier than my kit. Ever get hit in the head with one of these?
Nick Stokes: No, gentlemen don't get hit in the head with those.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Poppin' Tags (#6.20)" (2006)
Gil Grissom: [to Nick, looking at a dead body at the top of a palm tree] Want to get high?
Nick Stokes: Do I have to?

Nick Stokes: [Searching the body hanging from the tree] Either these kids were travelling light, or they were robbed blind!
Warrick Brown: Who'd rob them up there - Andre the Giant?

Nick Stokes: [Showing Greg a picture of a male rap singer in a bikini] I'm gussing this is not his next album cover.
Greg Sanders: I hope not!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Room Service (#6.2)" (2005)
Nick Stokes: Julian Harper. Wasn't he supposed to be like the next Brad Pitt or something?
Warrick Brown: Yeah. Now he's the next River Phoenix.

[Nick & Warrick walk towards Greg from behind, both talking loud]
Nick Stokes: I thought Greg was in the field. Is he back in the lab?
Warrick Brown: I don't know.
Nick Stokes: We've got to clear this up. It's like he's confused. Lab, field, field, lab. We have a lab on wheels.
Greg Sanders: How about you guys just shut up, all right? I'm doing this as a favor for Ecklie. It's a one-time thing. He's still interviewing lab techs.
Warrick Brown: You're making overtime?
Greg Sanders: I'm taking one for the team.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Dead in His Tracks (#14.22)" (2014)
Nick Stokes: Well, it doesn't look like he is going to make that 3.10 train to Yuma, he super Greg?
Greg Sanders: Let's say he has caught his last ride

Nick Stokes: He Sara, find anything in the treasure hunting car?
Sara Sidle: Well, he wasn't a health mad, that's for sure. It looks like he ran a solar business down in Plano. Says on the back he is company owner
Nick Stokes: Are you kidding me? Selling solar in Texas?
Sara Sidle: What, Texas doesn't have sun?
Nick Stokes: Ha ha ha, Texas has oil. When I was growing up, you mentioned something like this it was blasphemy!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Grissom's Divine Comedy (#8.12)" (2008)
[Nick has a cold and coughs on Hodges]
David Hodges: You know, in China people where masks when they're sick. It's considered impolite to infect your coworkers.
Nick Stokes: Maybe you should go work in China.
David Hodges: Maybe you should wear a mask.

Nick Stokes: Ma'am, I'm gonna need to get your prints, too.
Cody Cook: I don't like where this is going.
Captain Jim Brass: It's going downtown.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Ending Happy (#7.21)" (2007)
Milton: I shot an arrow into the air,it fell to earth, I knew not where; For, so swiftly it flew, the sight. Could not follow it in its flight. Long, long... '
Nick Stokes: Sir, that's, that's really sweet.
Milton: That's Longfellow. What do you kids know about poetry?
Sara Sidle: Nick, the arrow came in through that window.
Nick Stokes: Yeah.
Milton: Even an idiot would see that.
[Nick goes out, looks around and finds another arrow, he comes back]
Nick Stokes: Hey Sara, I found another arrow shot into the ground near that tool shed.
Sara Sidle: Maybe the shooter got nervous.
Nick Stokes: Well, to work in a Brothel you're required to register your fingerprints. So...
Sara Sidle: I'm almost done here, I'll catch up.
Nick Stokes: Okay. I'll let you know if we get lucky.
Sara Sidle: [turns to Milton and finishes the poem] 'Long, long afterward, in an oak I found the arrow, still unbroke; And the song, from beginning to end, found again in the heart of a friend.' Keep the faith Milton.

Nick Stokes: You know what a good defence lawyer's gonna say about all this?
Catherine Willows: What?
Nick Stokes: The lawn chair did it.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Fallen Idols (#7.17)" (2007)
Greg Sanders: Wish I had one of these back in high school.
Nick Stokes: What's that, a letter jacket?
Greg Sanders: No. No, a love shack. Back seat of my car got real old, real fast. I was getting so much play my senior year, I was considering getting a hearse.
Nick Stokes: Well, I never accused you of not being smart Greg. A little weird but... a hearse?

Nick Stokes: And how does your theory account for the fact that all the blood's Ryan's?
Greg Sanders: It... doesn't.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Friends & Lovers (#1.5)" (2000)
Nick Stokes: Blood's like my grandfather. Never lies.

Nick Stokes: It's our job to know how. You heard Grissom: the more 'how' the less 'why'. The less the 'how' the more the 'why'.
Catherine Willows: Hey, Nick. Grissom's not always right. Do yourself a favor ; think for yourself. I mean that as a friend, okay?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Lucky Strike (#3.16)" (2003)
Nick Stokes: Who puts the Bat-gates in?
Gil Grissom: Batman.

Nick Stokes: There's a sucker born every minute.
Gil Grissom: Yep. And they all come to Vegas.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Living Doll (#7.24)" (2007)
Gil Grissom: My God. She was at the crime scene.
Nick Stokes: So she salvages the car, and somehow gets it out to the desert, and grabs Sara, and puts her under it?
Warrick Brown: I don't get it. What does Sara have to do with bleach?
Catherine Willows: I don't know. This just feels different.
Gil Grissom: It is different.
[flashback to crime scene where Grissom takes a camera from Sara and caresses her arm]
Gil Grissom: This girl holds me responsible for the death of Ernie Dell. I took away the only person she ever loved, so she's gonna do the same thing to me
[everyone looks confused]

Gil Grissom: I found a thriving miniature hobbyist community on-line. Sites where people meet, chat, exchange building tips, list stores they shop in.
Nick Stokes: [looking at the miniature of Grissom's office] So that's why you built this thing? I mean... other then to creep us all out?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Evaluation Day (#1.22)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: Repeat after me. Silk, silk, silk.
Nick Stokes: Silk, silk, silk.
Gil Grissom: What do cows drink?
Nick Stokes: Milk.
Gil Grissom: Cows drink water. They give milk.

Nick Stokes: Hey, Catherine, say, "Silk, silk, silk."
Catherine Willows: Silk, silk, silk.
Nick Stokes: What do cows drink?
Catherine Willows: Water. Why?
Nick Stokes: [after a disappointed pause] Never mind...


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: 4x4 (#5.19)" (2005)
[last lines]
Gil Grissom: Tough shift, huh?
Nick Stokes: Just another day in paradise.
Judy Tremont: [answering the phone] Crime Lab. How can we help you?

David Hodges: How old were you when you first got drunk?
Nick Stokes: Oh, 16, 17.
David Hodges: Amortized over a generation, 12 is about right?
Nick Stokes: So your saying, two generations from now, 4 year olds are just gonna be getting trashed?
David Hodges: Pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Descent of Man (#9.19)" (2009)
Nick Stokes: There's a story for you. I think I'll sell it to Holly-weird. Get rich.

Nick Stokes: Those Persian dudes are tough, man.
Dr. Raymond Langston: Well, they were once an empire that stretched half-way across the known world. The greek playwright, Aeschylus, wrote about the territorial ambitions of the Persian empire against Greece in his great cycle of tragedy and war "The Persians." Um - fifth century BC.
Riley Adams: I will definitely put that on my reading list.
Nick Stokes: Um-hmm.
Riley Adams: Does anybody wanna grab some breakfast?
Nick Stokes: Yeah. Yep.
Greg Sanders: Why are you always thinking about food?
Dr. Raymond Langston: None of you has read Aeschylus?
Nick Stokes: I've been meaning to.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Chaos Theory (#2.2)" (2001)
Nick Stokes: You know, it's easier to get a master's degree than a parking spot on campus.

Catherine Willows: Oh, and Nick?
Nick Stokes: Yeah?
Catherine Willows: When you find the car...
Nick Stokes: Yeah, I know, check the trunk.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Appendicitement (#10.9)" (2009)
Greg Sanders: Henry, my friend, you are about to have the best birthday of your life because we are taking you to the one, the only, Harry's. Hog. Hideout.
Henry Andrews: What's a Hog Hideout?
Nick Stokes: It's only the best barbecue know to mankind. It's a little bit of a drive but don't worry. Greg knows where it is.
Greg Sanders: [laughs] I thought you said you knew where it is.
Henry Andrews: [sometime later/imitating Nick] It's just a bit of a drive y'all.
[as himself]
Henry Andrews: Look if this place is so great then how come I've never heard of it?
Nick Stokes: Come on man. A little trust, baby. Come on it's your birthday.
Greg Sanders: Yeah.
Henry Andrews: I hate my birthdays. They always suck.
[they round the corner, revealing a full moon]
Henry Andrews: Oh great, we've got a full moon tonight too, so every nut job in the state will be out.
David Hodges: I'm surprised at you Henry. There's absolutely no statistical evidence linking lunar cycle to an increase in irrational, careless, or criminal behavior.
Nick Stokes: [seeing a car coming straight on ahead of them] Are you sure about that?

Nick Stokes: [a car had swerved into the path of Nick while he was driving with Henry, Hodges and Greg causing Nick to wreck the car, subsequently flipping it several times before it comes to a stop. Everyone gets out of the car and is staring at it] Damn. I rolled that bad boy, didn't I?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Gum Drops (#6.5)" (2005)
Sage: Do you believe in past lives?
Nick Stokes: No.
Sage: Why not?
Nick Stokes: I guess I'm just trying to make it through this one.
Sage: I think you're doing pretty well.
[Nick smiles]

[Nick and Cassie are alone in Cassie's hospital room. Cassie has a small notebook in her hands]
Cassie McBride: [writes on notebook] Where is my family?
Nick Stokes: They're in Vegas.
Cassie McBride: [writes on notebook] I'm ten years old, don't baby me!
Nick Stokes: The bodies are in the coroners office, honey.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: A La Cart (#8.2)" (2007)
Nick Stokes: You know when I was a kid we used to make these out of lunch trays and mower motors.
Greg Sanders: When I was a kid, I made bombs.
[Nick looks at Greg]
Greg Sanders: Little bombs.

[after catching "Hot Rod" to ask him some questions]
Nick Stokes: Nothing says "I'm guilty" like running from the cops, dumbass.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Play with Fire (#3.22)" (2003)
Nick Stokes: Who takes a tape recorder with them on vacation?
Captain Jim Brass: Well, I keep one by the bed, in case I dream something useful.
Nick Stokes: Hmmm?
[looks shocked]
Captain Jim Brass: What? I can't have deep thoughts?

Nick Stokes: [to a suspect with a cut on his forehead] Did you cut yourself shaving or were you just thinking too hard?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Crate 'n' Burial (#1.3)" (2000)
Nick Stokes: Yeah, but I got her a chem set.
Sara Sidle: You keep that; might learn something.
Nick Stokes: Stop flirting with me.

Nick Stokes: Hey, Catherine, when's your little girl comin' by?
Catherine Willows: She isn't.
Nick Stokes: Yeah, but I got her a chem set.
[looks over to see Grissom had bought the same gift]
Sara Sidle: You keep that; might learn something.
Nick Stokes: Stop flirting with me.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Caged (#2.7)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: Aaron Pratt is a high-functioning autistic man with superior right brain abilities.
Nick Stokes: Kind of sounds like you.

Nick Stokes: [watching Greg page through a book] I always thought you kept your porn in there.
Greg Sanders: I move it around.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Unfriendly Skies (#1.9)" (2000)
[the team are re-enacting a fight on a plane; Warrick and Nick play a married couple]
Warrick Brown: [to Nick] Go protect me, honey.
Nick Stokes: [while moving to the aisle] Excuse me... buttercup.

Sara Sidle: We were just talking about murder and whether we would commit it. I couldn't, Warrick could and Nick's on the fence. We're taking an exit poll.
Nick Stokes: Catherine, you're a mother. You and Lindsey are on that plane. How far do you go?
Catherine Willows: All the way.
Sara Sidle: [surprised] You didn't even hesitate.
Catherine Willows: That's right. If it involves the protection of my child I fight to the death.
Warrick Brown: See? We have four people here, all with different opinions. Think of how the passengers must have felt.
Sara Sidle: What do you think, Grissom?
Gil Grissom: I can't answer that question.
Catherine Willows: That's a cop-out. It's a simple question. What would you have done if you had been one of those passengers?
Gil Grissom: It's not about that. You all have different opinions but you've taken the same point of view. You've put yourself in the shoes of the passengers, but nobody's put themselves in the shoes of the victim. That's the point.
Sara Sidle: I'm sorry. What are you saying?
Gil Grissom: Nobody stopped to ask Candlewell if he was all right. They just assumed, because he was kicking the back of Nate's seat, that he was a jerk - because he was pushing his call button that he was bothering the Flight Attendant - because he was trying to get into the lavatory he was making a scene - because he was going back and forth up and down the aisles, he was posing a threat.
Catherine Willows: He was a threat.
Gil Grissom: No. He turned into a threat. It didn't have to be that way. People make assumptions. That's the problem. You just did. And I think these passengers made the wrong assumption and now this guy's dead.
Warrick Brown: Well, if that's your stance how could it have been prevented?
Gil Grissom: If just one person had stopped and taken the time to look at the guy, to listen to him, to figure out what was wrong with him it might not have happened. It took five people to kill him. It would've only taken one person to save his life.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Fight Night (#3.7)" (2002)
Gil Grissom: You wanted to work solo.
Nick Stokes: Yeah, but it's like Night of the Pifflings out there and I'm on a smash and grab.
Gil Grissom: Pifflings?
Nick Stokes: Puffin offspring. First time out of the nest every year they crash land in this town near Iceland because they are attracted to the lights of human civilization. It's the same way people flock to Vegas for a fight.
[For a moment, GRISSOM stares a NICK. Then his face lights up as though he's finally figured it out]
Gil Grissom: Animal Planet.
[GRISSOM turns and walks down the hallway]
Nick Stokes: [calls out] How come when you talk about bugs everyone says you're a genius but when I talk about birds everyone says I watch too much television?
Gil Grissom: I don't know. Look, the next night of the pifflings you get the first dead body.

Nick Stokes: How come when you talk about bugs, everyone thinks you're a genius, but when I talk about birds, everyone says I watch too much television?
[pause]
Gil Grissom: I don't know.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: House of Hoarders (#11.5)" (2010)
Nick Stokes: How can anyone live like this?
Sara Sidle: I think someone died like this.

Nick Stokes: [after stepping on something messy on the floor] I think I've just become evidence!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Two and a Half Deaths (#8.16)" (2008)
Stewart Lytle: [after seeing Wendy working in the lab] Beautiful people doing high-tech police work. There might be a series in this.
Nick Stokes: I don't think so.

Nick Stokes: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Grave Danger (#5.24)" (2005)
Officer Michaels: Anonymous 911 caller reported body parts in this area. I rolled and found this.
[shows some insides in a bloody puddle]
Nick Stokes: Hm. Tasty.

Warrick Brown: You know, Tina doesn't like me carrying a gun. I play down the fact that I'm a cop when I'm with her anyway.
Nick Stokes: Yeah, yeah, you play the scientist card: You're a "copologist".


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Big Middle (#5.16)" (2005)
[after finding $100 bills in a beaver dam]
Nick Stokes: Las Vegas, where even a beaver can strike it rich.

Nick Stokes: They should do a commercial for the city - "Las Vegas: where even the beaver can strike it rich."


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Let It Bleed (#9.4)" (2008)
Nick Stokes: Guy died for small bills, beef jerky and a porno.
Riley Adams: Hard up, hungry *and* dumb. It's no way to go through life.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Primum Non Nocere (#2.16)" (2002)
Warrick Brown: What are you doing here?
Nick Stokes: I'm playing cards. With my friend.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: I-15 Murders (#1.11)" (2001)
Greg Sanders: Just remember that my saliva is getting on you and your saliva is getting on me.
Nick Stokes: That's gross.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Lost Girls (#10.7)" (2009)
Nick Stokes: Dr. Ray.
Dr. Raymond Langston: Yeah?
Nick Stokes: You got your phone?
Dr. Raymond Langston: [pulling his phone out of his pocket] Yeah, yeah. Right here.
Nick Stokes: Did you forget how to use it? You were non-responsive. I thought you were in trouble, man. Don't scare me like that.
Dr. Raymond Langston: I'm sorry.
Nick Stokes: That's okay, but if y-you really want to hide out, you gotta ditch the department cell. They all have GPS. What are you doing out here?
Dr. Raymond Langston: [showing Nick a photograph] That's what I'm doing out here.
Nick Stokes: Madeline Briggs?
Dr. Raymond Langston: Madeline Briggs, yeah.
Nick Stokes: You've been back for ten days. Is this what you've been doing every night? I thought the trail went cold in New York.
Dr. Raymond Langston: It did. This picture was taken a week ago Pecos Bill Casino. Security trespassed her off the property for soliciting. She's here, Nick. She's hooking.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Coming of Rage (#4.10)" (2003)
Todd: It was just a little target practice.
Nick Stokes: And that's why it's illegal to discharge firearms within the city limits, genius.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: I Like to Watch (#6.17)" (2006)
Nick Stokes: Two pieces of duct tape, both have been swabbed for DNA and fingerprinted.
[Hodges is looking around for someone]
Nick Stokes: Grissom wants you to compare adhesives. He's looking for a match.
[Nick glances for whom Hodges is casting about]
Hodges: Ok. That'll take a laser ablation test. That's good.
Nick Stokes: Why's that good?
Hodges: Well, laser ablation is both visual *and* dramatic.
Nick Stokes: Are you looking for the video crew right now?
Hodges: [scoffs] I would think they would be looking for *me*.
Nick Stokes: Relax, man, their show is only an hour long; laser ablation takes, like, six.
Hodges: Yeah, but when they cut it together, it'll only take 30 seconds.
[Nick smiles, amused, and leaves]
Hodges: [30-second montage of laser ablation preparation and FX]
Hodges: [to Grissom:] Ran laser ablation on the duct tape samples. Not a match.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Turn, Turn, Turn (#9.16)" (2009)
Nick Stokes: [Nick and David Phillips are in a motel room with a dead body. The room reeks of decomp but the body hasn't been dead that long and no one can figure out where the smell is coming from] It's the immaculate decomposition.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Organ Grinder (#2.11)" (2001)
[Examining a crime scene]
Nick Stokes: So, what do you think it is? Cocaine maybe?
Catherine Willows: Nope.
Nick Stokes: How can you tell just by looking at it?
Catherine Willows: Never you mind.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Anonymous (#1.8)" (2000)
Greg Sanders: So... what's the pot up to?
Nick Stokes: We don't bet on cases.
Greg Sanders: Ah. Of course you don't. So who's winning?
Nick Stokes, Warrick Brown: I am.
Greg Sanders: Fiends.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: XX (#4.17)" (2004)
Hodges: [after Sara has just completed an explanation on a bug] Since when did you become an insects expert?
Sara Sidle: Entymology textbook. Grissom gave it to me last Christmas. When I can't sleep, I read.
Nick Stokes: [smirking] Funny, I didn't get a Christmas gift from Grissom...
[turns to Hodges]
Nick Stokes: Did you...?
Hodges: [also smirking] No...
[Sara gives them both a weird look]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Sounds of Silence (#1.20)" (2001)
Nick Stokes: You really think Erin knew she was pregnant? I mean, six weeks?
Catherine Willows: Twenty-year-old girl, living at home? She would have taken a test if she was five seconds late - panic city.
Nick Stokes: Yeah. Brass talked to her parents. There was no guy in her life.
Catherine Willows: Well, it's not immaculate conception. If the guy was Mr. Right she would have told her folks. Which means he was Mr. Wrong. Maybe Mr. Married.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Chasing the Bus (#2.18)" (2002)
Gil Grissom: We need a treadmill; a big one.
Nick Stokes: Alright, to do what?
Gil Grissom: Exercise a bus.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Pledging Mr. Johnson (#1.4)" (2000)
Sara Sidle: What's that smell?
Nick Stokes: I'm nuking a burrito.
Sara Sidle: Mmm. Junk food and radiation. Good combo.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: A Night at the Movies (#3.19)" (2003)
Greg Sanders: 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You swab one down and run it through CODIS, 98 bottles of beer on the wall.
Nick Stokes: What ever happened to 'take one down pass it around'? That's the best part.
Greg Sanders: You know, us labrats have to do something to get through the day.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: 19 Down (#9.9)" (2008)
Nick Stokes: [In class, Grissom has learned through Langston where to find a DJK victim. Grissom is out with the CSI team in the area where they were told to look] There's ten stab wounds.
Captain Jim Brass: [to Grissom] Guess you won't be leaving just yet.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Iced (#5.23)" (2005)
Nick Stokes: [enters the room] Crop circles?
[laughs]
Nick Stokes: Come on, Super Dave. Wasn't the alien autopsy embarrassing enough?
David Phillips: Given the circumstances, alien was not an unreasonable conclusion at the time.
Nick Stokes: You need to get a girlfriend.
David Phillips: I'm engaged, but thank you.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Harvest (#5.3)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: Nick. You failed your firearm qualifications. You can't be here.
Nick Stokes: Oh yeah, well, I'm takin' it again, day after tomorrow. So I figured I could work.
Gil Grissom: Not in the field.
Nick Stokes: You're serious?
Gil Grissom: You're in violation just carrying a weapon.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Cats in the Cradle... (#2.20)" (2002)
Nick Stokes: Hey.
Sara Sidle: [lively] Hey.
Nick Stokes: Wow, you look...
Sara Sidle: Happy?
Nick Stokes: Smug, acually.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Scuba Doobie-Doo (#2.5)" (2001)
Nick Stokes: Leggo my Greggo


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: For Warrick (#9.1)" (2008)
Captain Jim Brass: Nick, what was that shot?
Nick Stokes: Miss.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Long Ball (#10.12)" (2010)
Nick Stokes: You know, Ray - for somebody who doesn't like golf, you certainly seem to know an awful lot about it.
Dr. Raymond Langston: It's not that I don't like golf. It's just that you have to focus your mind, practically every fiber of your being, on a small, white ball that you want to hit just the right way. And then when you hit it, the feeling is exhilarating. And so you chase the small, white ball all day, so that you can hit it exactly the same way. You chase that feeling - kinda like cocaine. Not exactly the best hobby for an obsessive personality.
Nick Stokes: People like that are better suited for a job in criminalistics, huh?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Random Acts of Violence (#3.13)" (2003)
[after Nick takes Archie to a crime scene at a software company]
Greg Sanders: I thought we had a relationship going! What are you doing taking Archie into the field instead of me?
Nick Stokes: Right tool for the right job, man.
Greg Sanders: What do you mean?
Nick Stokes: Hey, Archie? What's that "Star Trek" episode with that guy and the forehead thingy and the time portal...?
Archie: Original, TNG, Deep Space Nine, Voyager or Enterprise?
Greg Sanders: Point taken.
Archie: ...Or were you thinking about Farscape?
Nick Stokes: I have no idea what you are talking about.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Suckers (#4.13)" (2004)
Nick Stokes: [after accidentally breaking a valuable sword] I was being careful, I swear!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Invisible Evidence (#4.7)" (2003)
Sara Sidle: You know what pisses me off?
Nick Stokes: Lots of things.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Lost Reindeer (#14.11)" (2013)
Captain Jim Brass: He'll only talk to one person
Nick Stokes: Who?
David Hodges: Me? Last time I saw him, I scared him!
Morgan Brody: He said he wanna to talk to, and I quote: 'The Funny Science Man'
David Hodges: A compliment, I suppose


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Bad Words (#4.19)" (2004)
Viva Charles: There's a difference between a pyromaniac and an arsonist, you know?
Nick Stokes: What is the difference?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Blood Drops (#1.7)" (2000)
[Nick checks out a corpse of a young boy on a gurney]
Nick Stokes: This kid should be out playing Pop Warner.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Pilot (#1.1)" (2000)
Nick Stokes: Is there anything you won't bet on, man?
Warrick Brown: Nah.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Happy Place (#9.2)" (2008)
Nick Stokes: Momentum's a bitch.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Inside the Box (#3.23)" (2003)
Gil Grissom: Nick, give me that apple.
Nick Stokes: [looks at the apple he's been eating] But I didn't get any lunch...
Gil Grissom: You're not supposed to be eating in here so give it.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Law of Gravity (#7.15)" (2007)
Nick Stokes: [holding a pair of excised butt implants] Y'know, I spent twelve hours on a court bench last week - I coulda used a pair of these bad boys.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Spark of Life (#5.18)" (2005)
Nick Stokes: Crime scene this messy, gotta bust out the big guns.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Got Murder? (#3.12)" (2003)
Nick Stokes: [in the lab, looking at an object from the landfill] Found a pregnancy test. Better luck next time.
[sets it aside]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: $35K O.B.O. (#1.18)" (2001)
Nick Stokes: Hey, Greg
Greg Sanders: [looking through the microscope] Shh! I might be looking at the mother of my children here.
Nick Stokes: Somebody's been putting in way too much overtime.
Greg Sanders: No, man, this is serious. I had a date last night and this girl has the most impossible green eyes. Just... BAM! Shoulder-length blonde hair, intelligent, and she smells so good.
Nick Stokes: Cute toes?
Greg Sanders: Oh, ideal!
Nick Stokes: Mmm.
Greg Sanders: And none are longer than the big toe.
Nick Stokes: Mmm.
Greg Sanders: Both feet. But, you know, what I need to know is what's on the inside?
Nick Stokes: Oh, what's in her heart?
Greg Sanders: No... her DNA. And let me tell you, this girl has got some fine epithelials.
Nick Stokes: [laughing] Dude, you're sick. Man, you've officially lost it!
Greg Sanders: No, no. There is this guy in Louisville. He charges 300 clams to test your spouse's underwear for foreign DNA. Now, that guy is sick. I'm just a romantic.
Nick Stokes: But whatever happened to getting to know someone over coffee, letting the relationship evolve? Romantic is sending flowers, not bogarting her skin cells.
Greg Sanders: Ahh, that's boring.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Hollywood Brass (#5.20)" (2005)
Nick Stokes: [to phone] Did you get his autograph for me?
Captain Jim Brass: [to phone] You know, actually I did, and if you get me a match, you might be able to meet him at his trial.
Nick Stokes: Do you think that would make his autograph worth more? Or less?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Way to Go (#6.24)" (2006)
[Nick is looking for a victim's severed head]
Gil Grissom: Hey Nick!
Nick Stokes: Yeah?
Gil Grissom: I think I found a toupee. Our vic may be bald.
Nick Stokes: Thanks. That will help me distinguish it from the other severed heads I find out here.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Empty Eyes (#7.18)" (2007)
Nick Stokes: It was good that you were there for her Sara. She didn't have to die alone.
Sara Sidle: [sadly] We usually show up too late to meet the victim.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: A Space Oddity (#9.20)" (2009)
Nick Stokes: [interviewing a bartender in alien makeup] Well, there's nothing worse than a bunch of drunk conventioners. Must be hard enough to sling drinks without making you play dress-up.
William: [removes his alien headpiece to reveal extensive facial scarring] How do you like this makeup? Got it on my second tour of Afghanistan. These Astro Questers, they believe in a future where human beings, they transcend their differences. I wouldn't mind living in a world like that.
Nick Stokes: [chastened] Yeah, me either.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Stalker (#2.19)" (2002)
Nick Stokes: I don't want to disappoint you but this is not the first time I've had a gun pointed at me.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Leaving Las Vegas (#7.11)" (2007)
Nick Stokes: "Sabbatical" is usually a euphemism for "sayonara." I don't think Grissom's coming back.
Catherine Willows: Why wouldn't he?
Nick Stokes: I don't know. He shaved his beard, he's lost a little weight, he's been leaving when shift is over. I think he even took a day off last week.
Catherine Willows: Maybe he's got himself a girlfriend.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Revenge Is Best Served Cold (#3.1)" (2002)
Catherine Willows: [loud music blaring from Thumpy G's car] Hey! You deaf?
Thumpy G: Thanks a lot. What's up? I'm Thumpy G.
Catherine Willows: A jackhammer is about 50 decibels quieter.
Thumpy G: Y'know, the only way to beat a jackhammer is to bust 15,000 watts of Run-DMC's "Dumb Girl," or, or LL Cool J's "Going Back To Cali?"
[from offscreen, a friend calls to him; Thumpy G answers]
Thumpy G: What up, dog?
Catherine Willows: Yo, Thumpy, you blow out a lot of eardrums?
Thumpy G: Try to.
Detective Cyrus Lockwood: You know this cat, Jace Felder?
[shows Thumpy G photo]
Thumpy G: Negative!
[is distracted by a girl walking by offscreen]
Thumpy G: Hey, what's up, baby?
[eyes follow the girl as she walks away]
Catherine Willows: Hey, Thumper! How about we impound your car, seize your stereo system, and charge you with disturbing the peace?
Thumpy G: Oh, but it's hot now, it's real hot. All right, you know, yo, it's coming back to me.
Nick Stokes: We're all ears.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Meet Market (#7.14)" (2007)
Nick Stokes: You know what Grissom would say about this?
David Phillips: Something ironic, no doubt.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Compulsion (#5.17)" (2005)
[last lines]
Detective Cavaliere: Hey. You owe me an apology.
Nick Stokes: I'm sorry
[pause]
Nick Stokes: [turns away] that you feel that way.
[walks away]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Burden of Proof (#2.15)" (2002)
[Grissom finds compromising photos of teenaged Jody Bradley]
Nick Stokes: Sometimes I hate this job.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Execution of Catherine Willows (#3.6)" (2002)
Nick Stokes: People are pigs.
Gil Grissom: Don't insult the pigs, Nick. They're actually very clean.