Gil Grissom
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Quotes for
Gil Grissom (Character)
from "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (2000)

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"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Accused Is Entitled (#3.2)" (2002)
Nick Stokes: This is total BS!
Gil Grissom: Nick...
Nick Stokes: There was blood on Havilin's hand!
Gil Grissom: Nick, go get a soda.

Tom Haviland: I get one phone call, right?
Gil Grissom: Sure. Just like in the movies.

Catherine Willows: Grissom... they're beating our heads in. Judge is going to dismiss... you can feel it.
Gil Grissom: Don't get ahead of yourself.
Catherine Willows: I'm not ahead of myself. I'm up there front and center taking hits along with the rest of CSI. You know, you've turned into a really lousy leader. I need your help, and you're on the sidelines.

Warrick Brown: You don't recognize that guy, do you? It's Tom Haviland, movie star.
Gil Grissom: Clark Gable was a movie star.

Catherine Willows: D.A. just got the call. Tom's manager hired Marjorie Westcott to defend him.
Nick Stokes: Soundbite Westcott?
Catherine Willows: Guilty, rich client, high-profile case it's right up her alley. Publicity for her new cable show.
Gil Grissom: Forget about who's involved. We do this like we do any other case.

Gil Grissom: Tom Haviland's attorneys are not waiving time.
Nick Stokes: Are you serious?
Sara Sidle: They're actually exercising their right to a speedy trial?
Gil Grissom: No requests for continuances, no stall tactics. They're pushing for their day in court.
Warrick Brown: Good defense attorney always does the last thing you expect.
Catherine Willows: Yeah. What typically drags on for months has now been put on the fast track and the prelim is less than 72 hours.
Greg Sanders: I'm only done processing half the evidence.
Catherine Willows: You're going to have to call in help, because if the judge thinks that our evidence isn't strong enough to go to trial, he's going to dismiss the charges on Tom.
Sara Sidle: Can't the D.A. drop the charges and we'll refile when we get our evidence together?
Catherine Willows: Sure, but the odds are that Tom will relocate to Europe and pull a Polanski.
Greg Sanders: And what's a Polanski?
Gil Grissom: Get-out-of-jail-free card. One more thing: Westcott just added a forensic scientist to their roster. She wants him to examine every piece of evidence we have against Haviland.
Nick Stokes: As soon as it's processed they'll get a copy of our report.
Gil Grissom: They're entitled to see it as it's processed.
Nick Stokes: I've never done a case where the defendant took advantage of that rule of discovery.
Gil Grissom: Well, when you can't attack the evidence itself, you attack the method of gathering the evidence.
Sara Sidle: So who's their guy?
Gil Grissom: Dr. Phillip Gerard.
Sara Sidle: Phillip Gerard? Your mentor is their forensic scientist?
Gil Grissom: Yeah. Marjorie Westcott's a smart lawyer.

Greg Sanders: Psst, Grissom.
[whispers]
Greg Sanders: We got a development. I went over those swatches that Sara gave me from the bed sheet.
Gil Grissom: Are you whispering?
Greg Sanders: I don't want that Gerard guy to hear me.
Gil Grissom: Well, he's not here, so stop it.

Catherine Willows: Marjorie's requesting copies of CSI's proficiency test records, by midnight.
Gil Grissom: So relax. If any of us had failed the yearly proficiency test, we wouldn't be here.
Catherine Willows: You completely forget, don't you? My test is on appeal.
Gil Grissom: Oh, right.
Catherine Willows: Board said I was wrong on one question. I said the question was ambiguous. They're going to rule my way, but not before the prelim.
[sighs]
Catherine Willows: Just trying to rattle me.
Gil Grissom: Is it working?
Catherine Willows: Maybe I should just take a page out of your book. If I don't collect or analyze anything, I don't have to testify. Of course, it helps to be boss. Very politic. Ecklie must be rubbing off on you.
Gil Grissom: Yeah, that's it. Ecklie.

Warrick Brown: I just got served. Movie star's lawyer wants the shirt that I wore to the crime scene.
Gil Grissom: So give it to him.
Gil Grissom: I had to throw it out.
Gil Grissom: Why?
Warrick Brown: It was covered in the blood from the accident victim.
Gil Grissom: Well, you have to find it; otherwise, it'll look like you've got something to hide.
Warrick Brown: Oh, CSI's on trial now?
Gil Grissom: CSI's always on trial, Warrick; you know this. Burden of proof is on us.

Gil Grissom: [to Gerard] What happened to you? You were a pioneer in forensic science. How many bad guys did you put away in Hennepin County?
Dr. Phillip Gerard: My share. How many innocent men have been locked away since then because of sloppy investigating shortcut forensics?
Gil Grissom: You look for mistakes in any lab, you'll find them.
Dr. Phillip Gerard: I shouldn't be able to, Gil.
Gil Grissom: Humans are fallible.
Dr. Phillip Gerard: Not this fallible: compromised blood, sweetheart deals...
Gil Grissom: No, no, no, no. You're subverting good evidence. These are good people.
Dr. Phillip Gerard: The accused is entitled to the best defense possible.
Gil Grissom: The accused is entitled, yeah. He's a movie star, that's why he's entitled. He's killed two women. You know it. But you're willing to decimate these CSIs so that you can spoon-feed a jury into letting him walk.
Dr. Phillip Gerard: A jury believes me because of my reputation just like they do you.
Gil Grissom: The difference is, Philip, I get the same paycheck regardless of what I testify to.
Dr. Phillip Gerard: I'm saying this as a friend. For the reputation of CSI, tell the D.A. to drop this, re-file down the road.
Gil Grissom: What about the victims' families? Who's their friend?
[Gerard doesn't answer]
Gil Grissom: My guys will see you in court.

Sara Sidle: There was another guy in that room. That's, that's great. The defense has us moving so fast we can't make sense of our own evidence.
Gil Grissom: That's what they want.

Captain Jim Brass: [when Tonya's body is found] Did, uh, Tom Haviland ever play a boxer? Girl's face looks like hamburger meat.
Gil Grissom: Looks like uncontrollable rage to me.
Nick Stokes: Grissom, you might want to come down here.
Gil Grissom: Just say it, Nick.
Nick Stokes: Beans and franks. Tonya's a man.
Gil Grissom: Looks like that old Hollywood saying: "Never get caught with a dead girl or a live boy." So, let's see Tom's in bed with what he thinks are two girls. He reaches down on one, becomes very confused. Most guys would have just cleared the room and gargled with whiskey. But Movie Boy, who brags about doing his own stunts, couldn't take the thought of having a man in his bed, so he freaked out.

Dr. Phillip Gerard: [to Grissom] You're not running evidence. Or have you changed your mind?
[Grissom doesn't say anything]
Dr. Phillip Gerard: By the way, tell your mother I say 'Hello' next time you talk. I was so impressed that night we all had dinner. The sign language... how you interpreted for her. Fluid, didn't miss a beat.
Gil Grissom: What'd you do, subpoena my doctor?
Dr. Phillip Gerard: Knowing your genetic predisposition for hearing loss?
Gil Grissom: You've become a bottom feeder, Philip.
Dr. Phillip Gerard: Your work is dependent upon your five senses. The fact that you're losing one of yours wouldn't bode well for any evidence you introduced.
Gil Grissom: You know, all those years I worked for you, you never got to know me at all, did you?

Sara Sidle: [to Grissom] I've looked at everything in that hotel room. Nothing matches that pattern.
Gil Grissom: What about the booking photos of Tom? Were you able to make comparisons off those?
Sara Sidle: I told Brass that I needed them; he hasn't sent me anything yet.
Gil Grissom: This case is a moving target. I'll get ahold of Brass.
[notices Sara is dressed for her court appearance]
Gil Grissom: You look nice.
Sara Sidle: Thanks. Wish me luck.
[turns to leave]
Gil Grissom: Sara? Whatever happens in court, it's not because you're seeing this guy. You deserve to have a life.

Gil Grissom: Your guys didn't get any extended body photos?
Captain Jim Brass: Chest, hands, arms right there.
Gil Grissom: I need lower extremities for comparison.
Captain Jim Brass: Hey, Marjorie Westcott blew in here and shut us down. She said if we wanted full body shots we were going to have to get a court order. So the D.A.'S working on it.
Gil Grissom: When, between testimony?
Captain Jim Brass: No kidding. Meanwhile, we're presenting half a case to a judge.

Dr. Phillip Gerard: Gil, good work.
Gil Grissom: My team did it, Philip. I got good CSI's.
[signs to Gerard]
Gil Grissom: Oh, and, uh, my mother says hello.

Captain Jim Brass: Tom's best friend, Ray, he's coming in tonight. Volunteering to give a blood sample.
Gil Grissom: He knows his blood's not on those sheets. They're trying to choke us with evidence.
Captain Jim Brass: He also lawyered up. Guess who's paying the legal bills?
Gil Grissom: The movie star.
Captain Jim Brass: Legalized hush money. Ought to be a law against it.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Secrets & Flies (#6.6)" (2005)
UnderSheriff McKeen: What are you doing?
Gil Grissom: Circling blowflies.
UnderSheriff McKeen: Why?
Gil Grissom: 'Cause dead flies tell no lies.

[Grissom doesn't answer his phone]
Catherine Willows: Who do you keep avoiding?
Gil Grissom: Ecklie.
Catherine Willows: Ah, that means you should answer it.
Gil Grissom: No, he just wants to yell at me because I'm late with the personnel evaluations. It can wait.

Sofia Curtis: Grissom, Ecklie has been looking for you. Is your cell not working?
Gil Grissom: What are you doing here?
Sofia Curtis: Well, apparently, I was a CSI, then a detective, but now I'm a messenger. You're needed at the lab ASAP.
Gil Grissom: Why?
Sofia Curtis: I have no idea. But the undersheriff's camped out in the break room.

Gil Grissom: The science in these textbooks is sound, but the tape is more than enough to get reasonable doubt.
Conrad Ecklie: Well, there's no doubt in my mind that Thayer worked his science to get the answers the defense needed.

Gil Grissom: I just finished your eval.
Catherine Willows: And?
Gil Grissom: In the comments section, I noted that if you had my job, these evaluations wouldn't be late.
Catherine Willows: Thank you.

Catherine Willows: [about Thayer] The guy's an ass.
Gil Grissom: He used to be a competent scientist. We actually co-authored a paper together 10 years ago. I believe greed has gotten in his way.
Catherine Willows: Well, I've seen him on the stand. He manipulates evidence.
Gil Grissom: He manipulates people. The public assumes that scientists are ethical, but many of us are no better than politicians, evidently.

Catherine Willows: I don't know who killed Christina Adalian, I don't know how she got pregnant, and I don't know the identity of the baby's biological parents.
Gil Grissom: It's always good to know what you don't know.

[Grissom walks in]
Henry Andrews: Why did the fly fly?
Gil Grissom: Because the spider spied her.
[pause]
Gil Grissom: Catherine's daughter told me that when she was three.

Mark Thayer: You impugned my character.
Gil Grissom: What character?

Mark Thayer: This is all your fault.
Gil Grissom: I hope so.

[last lines]
UnderSheriff McKeen: So, Grissom, I'm not sure of your ambitions, but if you're interested in taking on more responsibility, maybe a promotion, I'd be glad to pass...
Gil Grissom: [interrupts] You know, Oscar Wilde once said: "Ambition is the last refuge of failure." I'm fine. Thanks.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Formalities (#5.7)" (2004)
[first lines]
[Grissom struggles to tie a bowtie]
Catherine Willows: What are you doing?
Gil Grissom: I'm going insane. I don't understand this diagram.
Catherine Willows: You don't need a diagram. You need a woman.
[stands behind him and successfully ties the tie]
Catherine Willows: I'm looking forward to your speech.

[Grissom's speech on a napkin]
Gil Grissom: What can I say about Conrad Ecklie?

Sofia Curtis: Sofia Curtis.
Gil Grissom: CSI-three, day shift. You work for Ecklie.
Sofia Curtis: As of tonight, so do you.

[Grissom leaves the ballroom and comes to the hotel]
Officer Metcalf: Hey, Griss. What's with the monkey suit?
Gil Grissom: I was at a funeral across the street.
Officer Metcalf: At a casino? My condolences.

Gil Grissom: Do you always process like this?
Sofia Curtis: Like what?
Gil Grissom: With your mouth.

[Sofia tells something to Grissom who isn't paying attention to her]
Sofia Curtis: [pause] That time I was talking to you.
Gil Grissom: Huh?
[turns to her]
Gil Grissom: Sorry. I was, uh, treating it like white noise.

Catherine Willows: Why are you talking to yourself?
Gil Grissom: I'm trying a new technique.
Catherine Willows: Is it working?
Gil Grissom: I have no idea.

Sofia Curtis: It's OK I am wearing underwear. As far as you know.
Gil Grissom: Oh.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Pilot (#1.1)" (2000)
[Holly Gribbs is performing her first autopsy]
Gil Grissom: You gotta breathe through your ears, Gribbs.

Gil Grissom: Would you mind taking off your jacket and rolling up your sleeve?
Holly Gribbs: What for?
Gil Grissom: I need a pint of your blood. It's customary for all new hires.
Holly Gribbs: Why?
Gil Grissom: So many reasons...

Warrick Brown: Whose blood is that?
Gil Grissom: The new girl. Want to donate?
Warrick Brown: Hell, no.

Gil Grissom: Forget about your promotion Warrick, forget about making a hundred, forget about the husband, these things will only confuse you. Concentrate on what cannot lie: the evidence.

Gil Grissom: I know, Pink Floyd's not your thing.
Gina Harmon: I have on cowboy boots. I work in a lab. What makes you think The Dark Side of the Moon synched to the Wizard of Oz is gonna warm my damn barn?
Gil Grissom: I just thought it'd be something different.
Gina Harmon: Wanna be different? Pin me up against a wall and lay one on me like you mean it.

Gil Grissom: We look at each case objectively, without presupposition, regardless of race, color, creed, or bubblegum flavor.

Gil Grissom: Pin you against a wall?

Holly Gribbs: [Upset after being locked in the morgue] There were bodies. I could feel them breathing.
Gil Grissom: [laughs] It's okay, Holly. It's alright.
[Yelling to the bodies]
Gil Grissom: You assholes!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Who Are You? (#1.6)" (2000)
[Eddie, Cath's ex is accused of rape]
Gil Grissom: What's the status?
Catherine Willows: Skin samples from under the women's fingernails are consistent with Ed's. I saw some bruises. But Eddie's style has always been very... involved. Vigorous.
Gil Grissom: ...Vigorous.
Warrick Brown: She's trying to tell you Eddie likes it rough.
Catherine Willows: Thank you, Warrick.

[a skeleton is found in a house foundation]
Gil Grissom: By law, you've got to disclose everything: three bedrooms, two baths and a skeleton.

Gil Grissom: So. How's the thing Catherine passed off to you going?
Warrick Brown: What thing?
Gil Grissom: The thing with Eddie Willows?
Warrick Brown: Er, good.
Gil Grissom: You called the DMV yet?
Warrick Brown: I was just about to.
Gil Grissom: Hmm. Warrick, why would you call the DMV on a rape charge?
Warrick Brown: [looks at Catherine] If you want me to suave anybody, I gotta know the shot.
Catherine Willows: I'm sorry. I didn't pass it off.
Gil Grissom: Really?

Catherine Willows: Got anything for me?
Gil Grissom: Yeah, but I can't give it to you. Conflict of interest.
Catherine Willows: Why?
Gil Grissom: The victim's an exotic dancer.
Catherine Willows: And because I used to *be* one, I'll be biased?
Gil Grissom: No. The suspect's your ex-husband.

Gil Grissom: You bring in a specialist without consulting me?
Catherine Willows: What? And you don't bring one in, possibly compromising the case because you two had a relationship?
Gil Grissom: Relationship? I hardly know that woman.
Catherine Willows: Oh, so I guess that dopey look in your eye whenever she's around is just that.

Greg Sanders: It's not real sand. It's finely crushed granite.
Nick Stokes: What does that mean?
Gil Grissom: It means she wasn't killed in Hawaii. Other than that, he has no idea.

Teri Miller: It's not going to be easy, getting an impression off this.
Gil Grissom: They told me you were the best forensic artist in the country.
Teri Miller: And Canada. I didn't say I couldn't do it.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: King Baby (#5.15)" (2005)
Gil Grissom: Question. You come home, see your husband lying in the driveway, what do you do?
Greg Sanders: ...Is that a trick question?

Captain Jim Brass: Welcome to the party.
Catherine Willows: [to Grissom & Ecklie] What's going on? This is my scene.
Conrad Ecklie: High profile case - woke up the supervisors. All hands on deck, Cath. Grissom's lead on this, he's the senior supervisor... I'm an administrator, I run interference for you guys. Starting with the press.
Gil Grissom: It's nothing personal, Catherine. Cases like these rain down hard, you need all the help you can get.
Catherine Willows: I need help. Not supervision.

Gil Grissom: Count Basie said that it's the notes you don't hear that matter.

Gil Grissom: I've enjoyed working with you.
Catherine Willows: Which part? The part where I got in your face or the part where I, uh, lost evidence, or, uh, maybe you just missed me?
Gil Grissom: I did miss you. I missed your passion and your tenacity. I even missed your tush.

Gil Grissom: It's only the truly powerful that have the luxury to relinquish power.

[last lines]
Gil Grissom: Where would you go if you had the connections and the cash to go anywhere you wanted?
Captain Jim Brass: I hear Fiji's nice.
Gil Grissom: Eiger went further. He went all the way back to his childhood.
Captain Jim Brass: Yeah. I think I'd take Fiji.

Gil Grissom: Well, howdy! I was wondering: Do you carry adult diapers?
Madge: Oh, we sure do! What are you: About a 34 or a 36?
Gil Grissom: Well... they're not for me.
Madge: [she looks at Nick Stokes and smiles] Well, aren't you lucky to have such a nice daddy?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Lady Heather's Box (#3.15)" (2003)
[at Lady Heather's front door]
Gil Grissom: I'd like to come in.
Lady Heather: I'm sure you do. Say the magic word.
Captain Jim Brass: Warrant.

Gil Grissom: I owe you an apology.
Lady Heather: Apologies are just words.

Captain Jim Brass: We are going back to Lady Heather's.
Gil Grissom: I can take care of this myself.
Captain Jim Brass: Gil, do me a favor. Get a sport car. It's a lot cheaper and easier to handle.

Lady Heather: Unfortunately the language we speak in here doesn't necessarily translate to the world out there.
Gil Grissom: No, in here, the submissive has the power... all he has to do is say the safety word and everything stops.
Lady Heather: Very good, Mr. Grissom.
Gil Grissom: I'm just repeating what I've heard.
Lady Heather: You're a good listener.
Gil Grissom: Part of the job.
Lady Heather: So, this is work?
Gil Grissom: Yes, but I value your insight.
Lady Heather: I'm flattered... but you already seem to know the answers to your questions. You keep me in proximity when I walk away
[she moves closer to him]
Lady Heather: and when I'm close you watch my lips. Are you losing your hearing?
Gil Grissom: I'm losing my balance.
Lady Heather: Your sense of self?
Gil Grissom: No, I know who I am.
Lady Heather: Do you?
Gil Grissom: Yes... I do.
[he touches one side of her cheek with one hand then the other with his other hand]
Gil Grissom: You can always say "stop".
Lady Heather: So can you.

Gil Grissom: There's seminal fluid all over the place.
Sara Sidle: Is this a dance club or a sex club?
Warrick Brown: A little of both. Don't you love this town?
Sara Sidle: Whatever you say, Superfly.

Lady Heather: Do you like my lipstick?
Gil Grissom: Why?
Lady Heather: You've been staring at my lips.
Gil Grissom: You have very lovely lips.
[Brass looks back between the two and then goes back to processing]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Viva Las Vegas (#5.1)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: This is your proficiency test, Greg. You might want to work the scene.

Gil Grissom: What's this blue stuff on the slide and the grip?
[pause]
Gil Grissom: It's okay to say you don't know, Greg. That's why we have a trace lab.

[Greg is introducing his replacement, Chandra, to the lab]
Gil Grissom: Did you get her blood yet?
Chandra Moore: What for?
Gil Grissom: So many reasons.

Gil Grissom: Hey, Grissom you got something stuck on your shoe.
Gil Grissom: [looks]
Captain Jim Brass: Oh, no; it's just Sanders.

Greg Sanders: Duct tape. So the shooter stuck the gun in the toilet earlier to avoid the metal detector.
Gil Grissom: Echoes of Michael Corleone.

Greg Sanders: I can tell you that the toilets in the club had blue water.
Gil Grissom: You inspected the toilet bowls for evidence?
Greg Sanders: Well, when you got to go, you got to go.
Gil Grissom: At a crime scene, Greg?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Grave Danger: Volume 2 (#5.25)" (2005)
[Nick is being taken to the hospital, with Catherine and Warrick accompanying him. Ecklie and Grissom watch the ambulance leave]
Gil Grissom: I want my guys back.

[Nick is lying in the coffin]
Gil Grissom: Pancho! Listen to me. Put your hand on my hand. Good. Now listen. There may be explosives under the box.

Nick Stokes: [in the coffin; saying good bye to his family and friends; speaking to Grissom] I disappointed you.
Gil Grissom: [at the lab watching the video] No you never did, Nick.

Nick Stokes: [Nick is seen on video feed saying something unheard, possible "I never meant to disappoint you."]
Gil Grissom: You never did, Nicky.

Gil Grissom: Alright, Poncho, we're gonna open the lid and get you out, but I need you to stay lying dowm. Okay? Or else you'll blow us all up. You understand that?
Nick Stokes: Yeah, yeah.
Gil Grissom: Do you promise, Poncho?
[Nick nods]
Gil Grissom: Say I promise.
Nick Stokes: [crying] I promise.

[first lines]
[paramedic checks Grissom after explosion]
Paramedic: Pupils are even.
Gil Grissom: [to himself] He blew himself up and left us with nothing.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Pledging Mr. Johnson (#1.4)" (2000)
Catherine Willows: Now tell me, why are we here?
Gil Grissom: Because this is the only place within 10 miles of Caulville Bay that serves Calamari.
Catherine Willows: And you know this because...?
Gil Grissom: I come here for calamari.
Catherine Willows: Alone?
Gil Grissom: No. Sometimes I have a beer with it.

Catherine Willows: You're right, you know. I should be just like you. Alone in my hermetically sealed condo, watching Discovery on the big screen, working genius-level crossword puzzles. But no relationships, no chance any will slop over into a case. Yeah, right. I want to be just like you.
Gil Grissom: Technically it's a townhouse. And the crosswords are advanced, not genius. But you're right, I'm deficient in a lot of ways. But I never screw up one of my cases with personal stuff.
Catherine Willows: Grissom... WHAT personal stuff?

[after a huge argument]
Gil Grissom: Look, could we have a truce?
Catherine Willows: I would love to.

Gil Grissom: I think you scared him, all his hairs are standing up.

Gil Grissom: So, was the boat at the marina?
Catherine Willows: What do you think?
Gil Grissom: My spider sense says it wasn't.

Gil Grissom: [to Sanders] Keep thinking Butch, that's what you're good at.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Sex, Lies and Larvae (#1.10)" (2000)
Captain Jim Brass: We ID'd the body and located the husband...
Gil Grissom: Let me guess - downtown, Fremont district?
Captain Jim Brass: You know, I'm not even gonna ask.

Sara Sidle: What if... you can hear the victim's screams? In the car, or at the store.
Gil Grissom: You have empathy for her, Sara. You want someone to pay for what was done to her. That's normal.
Sara Sidle: [pauses] You want to sleep with me?
Gil Grissom: [looks up at her] Did you just say what I think you said?
Sara Sidle: That way, when I wake up in cold sweat under the blanket, hearing Kaye's screams, you can tell me it's nothing, it's just empathy.

Scott Shelton: Like I said, I'd wrestle her off me, but I never, ever, laid a hand on her.
Sara Sidle: How 'bout a gun?
[glares at him]
Scott Shelton: [looks to Grissom]
[scoffs]
Scott Shelton: You have your hands full with her.
Gil Grissom: So do you.

Gil Grissom: You've still got to convince a jury.
Sara Sidle: On bullets. It's got to be better than bugs.
[Grissom looks at her]
Sara Sidle: Less Latin.

Captain Jim Brass: So, you planning a little late-night luau? Roast pig?
Gil Grissom: It's an experiment. Maybe Kaye was dead five days.
Captain Jim Brass: I thought your bugs never made mistakes.
Gil Grissom: They don't. People do. The victim was wrapped in a blanket. Normally a blanket or clothing doesn't impact insect maturation. The insects usually fight their way in anyway. But I examined the folds in Kaye's blanket. She was wrapped tight - -maybe tighter than I realized - -which would have decreased the corpse's exposure to insects.
Captain Jim Brass: So it took longer for the insects to get in there?
Gil Grissom: And deposit their eggs. Maybe two whole days. I've wrapped porky here pretty tight.
Captain Jim Brass: Well, let me ask you this. You killed a pig just for this?
Gil Grissom: This poor ham was already on its way to someone's Christmas dinner table.
Captain Jim Brass: Wouldn't a rabbit be easier?
Gil Grissom: Gotta be a pig. Interestingly, they're the most like humans.
Captain Jim Brass: Yeah, I've been saying that since I was a rookie.

Scott Shelton: [after Sara discovers blood that has been wiped clean off the wall] I have no idea how it got there.
Sara Sidle: It "got there" when you shot your wife in the head before you wrapped her in a blanket and dumped her in the mountains.
[points her finger in his face]
Scott Shelton: Get your finger out of my face!
[they fight]
Sara Sidle: You touch me again, you draw back a stump.
[to Grissom]
Captain Jim Brass: Get her under control!
Gil Grissom: [shouts] Get him out of here, Jim!
Scott Shelton: Told you she was a handful.
Sara Sidle: You don't know a handful!
Gil Grissom: Hey, hey, what's the matter with you?
Sara Sidle: I am a woman, and I have a gun and look how he treated me! I can only imagine how he treated his wife!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Way to Go (#6.24)" (2006)
Bobby Dawson: But, boss, I don't think that's your murder weapon?
Gil Grissom: And you know this how?
Bobby Dawson: Uh, here, I'll let Hawkeye show you.
Gil Grissom: [Grissom looks in the barrel of the gun] What is that?
Bobby Dawson: Well, Hodges will have to confirm it but I'm pretty certain it's cream of wheat.
Gil Grissom: So he's a cereal killer.
Bobby Dawson: Snap, crackle and pop!

[Nick is looking for a victim's severed head]
Gil Grissom: Hey Nick!
Nick Stokes: Yeah?
Gil Grissom: I think I found a toupee. Our vic may be bald.
Nick Stokes: Thanks. That will help me distinguish it from the other severed heads I find out here.

Gil Grissom: [the camera focus is on Grissom] I don't know. Most people want to die in their sleep, I suppose. Never know that it's happening, like a crime scene. Surprise, you're dead.
[the camera has slowly spins around to reveal Grissom is in a bedroom]
Gil Grissom: I'd prefer to know in advance that I was going to die. I'd like to be diagnosed with cancer actually, have some time to prepare.
[Grissom sighs]
Gil Grissom: Go back to the rain forest one more time, re-read 'Moby Dick.'
[the camera is now behind Grissom and focus on a room. A female steps out wearing a white silky bathrobe]
Gil Grissom: Possibly enter an international chess tournament.
[the female walks towards Grissom and the camera focus stays only on her body]
Gil Grissom: At least have enough time to say 'goodbye' to the ones that I love.
[the female sits besides him. It's Sara]
Sara Sidle: I'm not ready to say 'Goodbye.'
[Sara smiles at him. The camera focus switches to Grissom who smiles back]

Bobby Dawson: Hodges will have to verify this, but I believe that is Cream of Wheat.
Gil Grissom: So he's a cereal killer?
Bobby Dawson: Snap, crackle, pop!

Greg Sanders: [about Brass]
[to Grissom]
Greg Sanders: Just between you and me, does he always wear a suit?
Greg Sanders: Like when you guys go to dinner or the movies or whatever it is when you hang out.
Greg Sanders: Cause' I got to tell ya. The thought of him in a sweater, it freaks me out
Gil Grissom: We don't hang out, Greg.
Greg Sanders: No kidding, I just assumed

Gil Grissom: What do you think?
Sara Sidle: I think I feel fat.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Primum Non Nocere (#2.16)" (2002)
[Gil and Catherine are investigating the bedroom of a stockbroker who was killed playing hockey]
Catherine Willows: It's never a good sign when a guy has more women than chairs.
Gil Grissom: What's the ratio here?
Catherine Willows: Judging from these stains, I'd say four women for every piece of furniture including the TV. At least we know what this guy was about - bucks, pucks and... chicks.

[upon discovering massive amounts of weapons present at a hockey game]
Gil Grissom: It looks like these guys went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

Gil Grissom: There are three things in life that people like to stare at. A rippling stream, a fire in a fireplace and a zamboni going round and round.
Sara Sidle: Charlie Brown. 'I love a zamboni'

Sara Sidle: Since when are you interested in beauty?
Gil Grissom: Since I met you.

Dr. Al Robbins: What is it about organized sports?
Gil Grissom: Well, organized sports is the paradigmatic model of a just society... Everyone knows the same language, everyone knows the rules, and there's a specific punishment handed out the moment someone tries to cheat. It's instant morality.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Committed (#5.21)" (2005)
Gil Grissom: Crazy or not, here we come.

Gil Grissom: Sex is the foreplay, violence is the climax.

Sara Sidle: When my father died, my mother came to a place like this for a while for evaluation.
[pause]
Sara Sidle: It looked the same, it smelled the same. It smelled like lies.
Gil Grissom: You sure you're OK?
Sara Sidle: Crazy people do make me feel crazy.

[last lines]
Gil Grissom: Well, jail or no jail - I don't think she'll last six months. She'll die without her son.
Sara Sidle: That would be better for both of them.

Dr. Al Robbins: Let's start with the stomach contents. They're fascinating. They reminded me of that scene in Jaws where Dreyfuss cuts open the sharks belly and all sorts of weird things come out?
Gil Grissom: You found a license plate?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Friends & Lovers (#1.5)" (2000)
Gil Grissom: Teenage wasteland.
Warrick Brown: Who?
Gil Grissom: Yeah!

Gil Grissom: Someone chased this kid to death.

Gil Grissom: [to Ethan] Let me tell you something, Humbert. You're twice the age of these kids, and half of them couldn't find their own ass with a map. You prey on innocent children, concocting God-knows-what from God-knows-where, selling Russian Roulette in a bottle and you think we came all the way out here to bust you for possession, you dumb punk? I'm gonna get you for murder. Cool?

Warrick Brown: Where are you going?
Gil Grissom: Away.
[Rides a rollercoaster alone]

Gil Grissom: I was flying to a seminar in New Hampshire a couple of summers ago. I was sitting in the plane next to a Philosophy Professor from Harvard. He told me this story about how every morning he takes a leak right after his three-hour philosophy class. He flushed the toilet, there'd be this tiny brown spider fighting for its life against the swirling water. He came back the next day, flush. Same spider, clawing its way back from oblivion. A week goes by, he decides to liberate the spider. Grabs a paper towel, scoops him up and sets him on the floor in the corner of the stall. Comes back the next day, and what do you think happened to the spider?
Warrick Brown: Dead.
Gil Grissom: On his back, eight legs in the air. Why? Because one life imposed itself on another. Right then I realized where we stand. I understood our role. We don't impose our will. We don't impose our hopes on the evidence.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Table Stakes (#1.15)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: Have you got the DNA results from the fingernail Catherine found?
Greg Sanders: Yeah. They're not a match to Patrick Haynes.
Gil Grissom: I never figured a man for the fingernail, Greg.
Greg Sanders: But this is where you break out the can of creep repellent. Half of the DNA markers are in common.
Gil Grissom: A possible first degree relative?

Gil Grissom: OK, I'm starting to forgive you.

Gil Grissom: The Old Testament? The book of Jonah? And now the Lord arranged for a fish to swallow up Jonah. You know what the problem with these piranhas is? They got high cholesterol. Fish don't have cholesterol. Humans do. So how did these fish acquire human cholesterol?

Catherine Willows: What's with the smile?
Gil Grissom: They're playing our song.

Catherine Willows: Caught in the act.
Gil Grissom: I think that was the point.
Catherine Willows: Oh, yeah.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Chaos Theory (#2.2)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: We told them what happened.
Catherine Willows: Yeah. But we didn't give them what they needed - closure.
Gil Grissom: Truth brings closure.
Catherine Willows: Not always.

Gil Grissom: They have this system in place when you went to school here?
Warrick Brown: With all the stuff me and my boys got away with, it's probably why they have them now.

Gil Grissom: You showered.
Catherine Willows: Thanks for noticing Gil, you're very observant.
Gil Grissom: [studying a surveillance tape and inadvertently blocking Cath's view] Can't tell what I'm observing here. What does that look like?
Catherine Willows: A five-foot-eleven workaholic.

Warrick Brown: Where have you been?
Gil Grissom: I can't be everywhere, and they've banned human cloning.

Gil Grissom: People just don't vanish, Jim. It's a molecular impossibility.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Harvest (#5.3)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: Nick. You failed your firearm qualifications. You can't be here.
Nick Stokes: Oh yeah, well, I'm takin' it again, day after tomorrow. So I figured I could work.
Gil Grissom: Not in the field.
Nick Stokes: You're serious?
Gil Grissom: You're in violation just carrying a weapon.

Catherine Willows: [to Gil] Have you been to bed?
Gil Grissom: Yes.
Catherine Willows: Did you sleep?
[pauses]
Catherine Willows: Me neither. She was the same age as Lindsey. She was trying to hitchhike.
Gil Grissom: Where was she going?
Catherine Willows: Fremont Street.
Gil Grissom: Was she buying drugs?
Catherine Willows: No! She's twelve. She's... just so angry. She doesn't talk to me.
Gil Grissom: Well, if enough people knew what was out there hunting them, they'd never leave their house. I think you need to sit her down.
Catherine Willows: Well, I don't want to scare her. I don't want my daughter to be this... frightened, paranoid kid who's always looking over her shoulder.
Gil Grissom: Catherine, there's a big difference between scaring her and preparing her. And all the reasons why you should are in that room.

Gil Grissom: [to Sybil] Did you injure yourself, Mrs. Perez?
Sybil Perez: [looks down and sees a bloodstain on her shirt] Oh, a nosebleed.
Gil Grissom: That's a lot of blood. I'm going to need to take your shirt.
Sybil Perez: Why?
Gil Grissom: If you like, I can have someone follow you home so that you can change.
Sybil Perez: You think we had something to do with it? Our daughter is missing. She's out there somewhere alone and scared. What are you doing about that?
Gil Grissom: I'm just collecting evidence.
Sybil Perez: Fine. Here!
[removes her shirt and throws it at Grissom]
Sybil Perez: Take it! Go find her!

Gil Grissom: Alicia's cause of death?
Dr. Al Robbins: Cardiopulmonary arrest.
Gil Grissom: Time of death?
Dr. Al Robbins: That's a little trickier. No solids in the stomach contents, just a milky liquid. Liver mortis was fixed and deep purple with a vitreous humor potassium level of 20 millimoles per liter with faint putrefaction. So, I'd say she's been dead about... 44 hours between midnight and 8:00 A.M., the day of her kidnapping.
Gil Grissom: Which means April Perez was lying about the abduction.
Dr. Al Robbins: Yep. Story's got more holes than her sister's bones.

Daniel Perez: [to Grissomm in a church] I didn't realize until... today... how lucky I am. I know pretty much... how and when I'm gonna die. Most people don't. It's what they're afraid of.
Gil Grissom: Was your sister afraid?
Daniel Perez: Never. I'm 11 years older than her, and she took care of me. She was my best friend, and I miss her. As much pain as... I caused her... and she wouldn't give up, and she... she wouldn't let me, either. That's why... during the last relapse, I made my parents swear that it was the very last time.
Gil Grissom: But then your kidneys failed, and they broke their word, huh?
Daniel Perez: They told me they... swore not to fight the cancer, so this didn't count. I wasn't gonna lose this fight. I couldn't watch her suffer anymore.
Gil Grissom: This wasn't a mercy killing, Daniel. This was an execution. Bone marrow, transfusions... that's her blood in your veins. It dripped out of your nose onto the blanket while you were killing her. If you cared so much for Alicia, why didn't you take your own life instead of hers?
Daniel Perez: Suicide isn't an option. It's an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God.
Gil Grissom: But you believe that your god forgives murder? If that's your defense, it won't keep you out of jail.
Daniel Perez: [in tears, crying] But my death will. See, I've got about six more months. I'll be dead before there's even a trial. I-I do want to thank you, though.
Gil Grissom: For what?
Gil Grissom: For speaking for Alicia. You're probably the first person in her life to think only of her. You know, you may not believe in God, sir, but you do his work.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Lab Rats (#7.20)" (2007)
Gil Grissom: Can you smell that?
Dr. Al Robbins: Yes.
Gil Grissom: You shouldn't be able to smell that though your suit.
Dr. Al Robbins: Good to know.

Gil Grissom: It's just a rat fellas, why you wearing the hazmat gear?
David Phillips: He made me do it.
Dr. Al Robbins: It's a wild animal covered with potentially biohazardous material, with claws. Rabies, scabies, AIDS, hepatitis, I'm thinking of this suit as a giant rubber glove.

Gil Grissom: Did you know that rodents have skeletons with flexible joints?
Dr. Al Robbins: No.
Gil Grissom: If they can get their head through something, the rest of their body can contort to fit. They can crawl into spaces as small as a quarter.
Dr. Al Robbins: Lousy varmints.
[on seeing the fried rat, Doc laughs]
Dr. Al Robbins: Bastard hit the main line.

Dr. Al Robbins: [sarcastically] Nice work.
Gil Grissom: At least I tried to get him... Where were you?
Dr. Al Robbins: I *hate* rats.

Gil Grissom: Why are you guys wearing hazmat suits?
David Phillips: He made me!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Cats in the Cradle... (#2.20)" (2002)
Greg Sanders: [Grissom and Catherine walk in on Greg listening to loud music] Could have been a rock star.
Gil Grissom: [music stops] There's still time, Greg.

Greg Sanders: I'm like a sponge: I just absorb information.
Gil Grissom: I thought that was my line.
Greg Sanders: Yeah - and I absorbed it.

Greg Sanders: I'm like a sponge: I just absorb information.
Gil Grissom: I thought that was *my* line.
Greg Sanders: Yeah, and I absorbed it.

[after witnessing a child ignoring her mother]
Gil Grissom: [to Catherine] My mother may have been deaf but she was still the boss.

Greg Sanders: [Grissom and Catherine walk into Greg's lab to see him rocking out to blaring rock and roll music] I could have been a rock star.
Gil Grissom: There's still time, Greg. Tell us about the foreign substance we found in the vic's wound track.
Greg Sanders: Uh, well, I like to rub it all over a lady's body. Even better... I, uh... like it when she rubs it all over me. And it's also used as a stool softner.
Catherine Willows: It's also the only open lead in our case. Spit it out, Greg.
Greg Sanders: Mineral oil.
Gil Grissom: Possibly used as a preservative to prevent rusting of high-carbon steel.
Catherine Willows: Like the blades of knives.
Greg Sanders: Old knives. New ones are made from stainless steel. Yeah, I'm like a sponge. I just absorb information.
Gil Grissom: I thought that was my line.
Greg Sanders: Yeah, and I absorbed it.
Catherine Willows: Okay, so... knives, screwdrivers, ice pick, letter opener. We're looking for a weapon with a splash of mineral oil. I'll grab the ALS.
Greg Sanders: An ALS. For mineral oil?
Gil Grissom: Mineral oil fluoresces at 525 nanometers when filtered through a kv590. A little more absorbing... a little less rock and roll.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Nesting Dolls (#5.13)" (2005)
Sara Sidle: [Sara and Grissom sit facing each other. The light from the setting sun filters through the darkening room] It's funny... the things that you remember and the things that you don't, you know. There was a smell of iron in the air. Cast-off on the bedroom wall. There was this young cop puking his guts. I remember the woman who took me to foster care. I can't remember her name, which is strange, you know, 'cause I couldn't let go of her hand.
Grissom: Well... the mind has its filters.
Sara Sidle: I do remember the looks. I became the girl whose father was stabbed to death. Do you think there's a murder gene?
Grissom: I don't believe that genes are a predictor of violent behavior.
Sara Sidle: You wouldn't know that in my house. The fights, the yelling, the trips to the hospital. I thought it was the way that everybody lived. When my mother killed my father, I found out that it wasn't.
[Sara starts to cry. Grissom reaches out and holds her hand]

[last lines]
Grissom: [about Sara] She's a great criminalist, Conrad. And I need her.
Conrad Ecklie: I'm sure you do. You know what? She's a loose cannon with a gun. And she's all yours.

[Grissom comes to Sara's residence]
Sara Sidle: Well, if you're here, it can't be good... Can I get you anything?
Grissom: Sure. An explanation.

Grissom: It's from The Big Chill. One of the characters explaining a basic fact of life - that rationalizations are more important to us than sex even.

Conrad Ecklie: I thought I was clear.
Grissom: You were. Now let me be clear. Sara's behavior is a direct result of my management.
Conrad Ecklie: So I should fire you.
Grissom: But you won't.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Weeping Willows (#5.22)" (2005)
Gil Grissom: Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who walk into a bar?
Catherine Willows: I'm not in the mood.
Gil Grissom: Neither was the monkey.

Gil Grissom: This is a .25 caliber.
Dr. Al Robbins: What, disappointed?
Gil Grissom: We found a .22 in the victim's car. This just ruled that out as the murder weapon.
Dr. Al Robbins: So shoot me.

David Hodges: The metallic balls would've been released into the air during the welding process.
Gil Grissom: So you're saying our killer has metal balls?
David Hodges: Yes. Maybe. Turns out that the victim worked in a car dealership, so she could've gotten metal balls on the job. And just in case you're wondering, working here, I'm developing them too.
[Grissom smirks]

[last lines]
Catherine Willows: Gil. I'd ask you out for a drink, but under the circumstances, it's, ah...
[Grissom ignores her]
Catherine Willows: OK, how long is this going to go on?
Gil Grissom: I don't know, Catherine.
Catherine Willows: Gil, it was an act of omission.
Gil Grissom: How many times have we heard a public defender say that?
Catherine Willows: I went out after work. Is it a crime to want a little human contact?
Gil Grissom: I guess that's why I don't go out.

Gil Grissom: [to Catherine Willows regarding the possibility of her private life being scrutinized in an investigation] We all live in glass houses, just be careful where you take your shower.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: To Halve and to Hold (#1.14)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: It's interesting to me how you always expect the worst.
Catherine Willows: You see, that way I'm never disappointed. And sometimes I'm nicely surprised.

[Grissom was licking rocks to see if they're bones]
Gil Grissom: Could be a piece of wrist bone.
Catherine Willows: Well, do you want to suck on it? To be sure?

Gil Grissom: Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body?
Catherine Willows: Yes professor. I too took osteology.

Catherine Willows: So, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Gil Grissom: How amazing the universe is. Everything made from the same carbon, stars to trees, trucks to human bones.
Catherine Willows: Uh, no, I was thinking that we have about 100 bone fragments. We could ID this body before the end of the shift.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Snuff (#3.8)" (2002)
Gil Grissom: [about a human body discovered while covered in fire ant] No bug spray!

Gil Grissom: Where's your crockpot, doc?

Teri Miller: I see you're learning to cook for yourself.
Gil Grissom: Well I had to, Teri, I heard you were married.

Gil Grissom: [to Billy Rattison about how he called Randy Traschel, the man with Down Syndrome that he murdered, a 'retard'] By the way, the definition of the word retard is to hinder or to hold someone back. I think your life is about to become retarded.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Cross-Jurisdictions (#2.22)" (2002)
[Catherine returns to Vegas from Miami]
Catherine Willows: Hello.
Gil Grissom: Hey. Nice tan.
Catherine Willows: Nice suit.
Gil Grissom: Yeah, well, I knew you were coming back today, so I dressed up.
Catherine Willows: Yeah... right...
Gil Grissom: Really.
[Cath looks him up and down]
Gil Grissom: What?
Catherine Willows: Nothing. It's just unusual to... see you dressed... like that.
Gil Grissom: I had to go to the chief's funeral.
Catherine Willows: Missed me that much, huh?

Dr. Al Robbins: How about Darier Disease?
Gil Grissom: Doesn't that give you a rash that smells like human excrement? We're looking for something a little sweeter.

Dr. Al Robbins: Tuberculosis victims emit breath that smells of wet leaves.
Gil Grissom: Maple? Ash? Elm? What?
Dr. Al Robbins: I don't know.

Gil Grissom: I'm following my nacino.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Fallen Idols (#7.17)" (2007)
Gil Grissom: Men are never as mysterious as women wish they were.

Catherine Willows: [on seeing the crabs on the sleeping bag] Ugh.
Gil Grissom: You okay?
[Catherine turns the monitor so that he can see the crabs]
Gil Grissom: Pthirus Pubis.
Catherine Willows: Yeah, crabs. I am buying Lindsey a chastity belt.
Gil Grissom: There's a... hole in the metal to let the urine pass, so theoretically, she could still get them.
Catherine Willows: You are so creepy sometimes.

Sara Sidle: [about to shave Grissom's face] Do you trust me?
Gil Grissom: Intimately.
[They wink at each other]

Warrick Brown: What's a photography teacher doing touching a student's van?
Gil Grissom: [mock seriously] Maybe she wanted a ride.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Living Doll (#7.24)" (2007)
Gil Grissom: Hey Natalie. My name's Gil. It's so nice to finally meet you. I-um, probably shouldn't say this, but I'm a huge fan. I've been a crime scene investigator for 22 years, and worked over 2,000 homicides, and you are by far... the best I've ever seen. I mean, you're such a great artist. And to be so young, and so talented, and... so pretty. I've thought about you every night for the last nine months. I even tried to do what you do. I built my own miniature.
[Natalie nods her head]
Gil Grissom: You saw it? How'd I do?
[Natalie shrugs]
Gil Grissom: You play chess?
[Natalie shakes her head]
Gil Grissom: I play. It's a hobby. Quiets my mind, you know? Soothes me. At one point I became so consumed by it, that whenever I closed my eyes I could see the chess pieces moving all around the board. I was obsessed with correcting all my bad moves. I wondered if a game could ever be played without a mistake. I'd love to play you sometime. I'm so impressed by the way you embraced your passion. You'd make a great CSI. This last one was brilliant. You studied our crime scene so well, tracking the car to the junkyard, and then towing it all the way out to the desert where you knew we wouldn't find it. And then, the way you killed Sara.
Natalie: [shaking her head] I didn't kill her.
Gil Grissom: You didn't?
Natalie: [Natalie shakes her head] This is about her. Her, her, her. It's always about her.
Gil Grissom: No, it isn't Natalie. It's about you.
Natalie: [Natalie cuts him off] It's always about her.
[she takes a blade from her mouth and slashes Grissom's throat and watches as he bleeds. Then in a baby voice]
Natalie: Oh sad was the day for the little bisque doll, for they cut all her stitches away, and found the seat of the terrible ache. T'was a delicate task...
Gil Grissom: [not cut, for it was all in her imagination] Natalie listen to me. Tell me where she is.
Natalie: For none of the doctor's had ever before...
Gil Grissom: Natalie.
Natalie: ...performed on a dolly's inside...
Gil Grissom: Please tell me where Sara is.
Natalie: ...They tried to re-stuff her, but didn't know how, and this was her wail as she died...
Gil Grissom: [yelling] Stop it! Just stop this!
[shaking her]
Gil Grissom: Tell me where Sara is!
Natalie: ...I've got a pain in my sawdust. That's what's the matter with me.
[voice over, overturned car]
Natalie: Something is wrong on my little inside. I'm just as sick as can be. Don't let me faint, someone get a fan.
[a hand clawing at the ground from under the car]
Natalie: Someone please run for the medicine man. Everyone hurry as fast as you can, 'cause I've got a pain in my sawdust.

Gil Grissom: My God. She was at the crime scene.
Nick Stokes: So she salvages the car, and somehow gets it out to the desert, and grabs Sara, and puts her under it?
Warrick Brown: I don't get it. What does Sara have to do with bleach?
Catherine Willows: I don't know. This just feels different.
Gil Grissom: It is different.
[flashback to crime scene where Grissom takes a camera from Sara and caresses her arm]
Gil Grissom: This girl holds me responsible for the death of Ernie Dell. I took away the only person she ever loved, so she's gonna do the same thing to me
[everyone looks confused]

Gil Grissom: I found a thriving miniature hobbyist community on-line. Sites where people meet, chat, exchange building tips, list stores they shop in.
Nick Stokes: [looking at the miniature of Grissom's office] So that's why you built this thing? I mean... other then to creep us all out?

Gil Grissom: Somebody likes it cold.
Captain Jim Brass: Las Vegas in May plus global warming.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Evaluation Day (#1.22)" (2001)
[Warrick and Grissom are on a roller coaster]
Warrick Brown: What happened to my evaluation?
Gil Grissom: You're sitting on it.

Gil Grissom: [to a waiter] Excuse me, do you recognize this ear?

[about a decapitation case]
Catherine Willows: Definitely a crime of passion.
Gil Grissom: You think a female did this?
Catherine Willows: I could have.
Gil Grissom: Scared of you.

Gil Grissom: Repeat after me. Silk, silk, silk.
Nick Stokes: Silk, silk, silk.
Gil Grissom: What do cows drink?
Nick Stokes: Milk.
Gil Grissom: Cows drink water. They give milk.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: 4x4 (#5.19)" (2005)
Captain Jim Brass: Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?
Lawrence Lafontaine: Maybe.
Gil Grissom: I think this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

[last lines]
Gil Grissom: Tough shift, huh?
Nick Stokes: Just another day in paradise.
Judy Tremont: [answering the phone] Crime Lab. How can we help you?

[first lines]
Officer Metcalf: This is the best taco I ever had.
Gil Grissom: I'm happy for you both.
Captain Jim Brass: What, did you piss off Ecklie again? This is a hit and run. I was expecting Greg Sanders.
Gil Grissom: We're slammed. Everybody's on a case.

Greg Sanders: This is just like that Edgar Allan Poe story where the victim's heart under the floorboards betrays the murder.
Gil Grissom: "The Tell-Tale Heart". I thought you didn't like reading the classics.
Greg Sanders: I do when they're about dismembered bodies.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Down the Drain (#5.2)" (2004)
Greg Sanders: What are you doing?
Gil Grissom: Good, your here.
[tosses him a plastic cup]
Gil Grissom: Fill this up for me, will ya.
Greg Sanders: With what?
Gil Grissom: It's a urine specimen cup, Greg, what do you think?
Greg Sanders: [looks at the cup again]
[pauses]
Greg Sanders: Okay.

Sara Sidle: I don't have a death wish, and I'm not a drunk. In case you were worried.
Gil Grissom: I'm not worried. I'm concerned.

Gil Grissom: That took a long time. You may need a prostate exam.
Greg Sanders: My prostate is just fine!

[Greg's first autopsy]
Gil Grissom: Take a look at the trachea. What do you see?
Greg Sanders: Foam... like the head of a beer.
[Grissom looks at him]
Greg Sanders: Sorry.
Gil Grissom: No. It's a good analogy.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Blood Lust (#3.9)" (2002)
Gil Grissom: [to Warrick] What do you weigh?
Warrick Brown: Uh, that's between me and my trainer.
Gil Grissom: Do I have to get a scale?
Warrick Brown: A buck 95, give or take a doughnut.
[Grissom turns to Sara]
Sara Sidle: Don't even ask, I'm not telling you.
Gil Grissom: Warrick, would you lie down on the floor.
Warrick Brown: I don't get paid enough to play dead.
Gil Grissom: Please?
[Warrick gets on the floor]

Greg Sanders: I'm afraid I don't have time for your humour, Ecklie has a multiple, Warrick tells me his home invasion is top of the heap and I'm still backed up with Catherine's no suspect rape. It's like one servant many masters, you know what I'm saying?
Gil Grissom: Greg, this is your DNA lab. You are the master. We serve you.
Greg Sanders: Your stuff just moved to the top of the pile.

Gil Grissom: Hey Doc, tell me something I don't know.
Dr. Al Robbins: When I was in fourth grade, I dropped karate because some kid half my size made me cry.

Gil Grissom: Judy, would you like to be part of a little experiment?
Judy Tremont: I'm just secretary. Besides, I heard what you did to Greg's feet.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Unfriendly Skies (#1.9)" (2000)
Gil Grissom: [the group is re-enacting a fight on a plane, and Grissom is giving everyone their roles] Catherine, you will be playing Dr. Behrle.
Catherine Willows: Single mom. What an imagination you have.

Gil Grissom: High altitude enhances the entire sexual experience. It increases the euphoria.
Sara Sidle: Well, it's good. I don't know if it's that good... Cite your source.
Gil Grissom: Would you hand me a swab please?
Sara Sidle: You're avoiding the question. Cite your source.
Gil Grissom: A magazine.
Sara Sidle: What magazine?
Gil Grissom: "Applied psychodynamics in forensic science".
Sara Sidle: Never heard of it.
Gil Grissom: I'll get you a subscription.

Gil Grissom: I need to see their shoes.
Catherine Willows: Why are you asking me?
Gil Grissom: Cause you're the people person, right?
Catherine Willows: Why don't you tell them that? They're not giving me bubkas.

Sara Sidle: We were just talking about murder and whether we would commit it. I couldn't, Warrick could and Nick's on the fence. We're taking an exit poll.
Nick Stokes: Catherine, you're a mother. You and Lindsey are on that plane. How far do you go?
Catherine Willows: All the way.
Sara Sidle: [surprised] You didn't even hesitate.
Catherine Willows: That's right. If it involves the protection of my child I fight to the death.
Warrick Brown: See? We have four people here, all with different opinions. Think of how the passengers must have felt.
Sara Sidle: What do you think, Grissom?
Gil Grissom: I can't answer that question.
Catherine Willows: That's a cop-out. It's a simple question. What would you have done if you had been one of those passengers?
Gil Grissom: It's not about that. You all have different opinions but you've taken the same point of view. You've put yourself in the shoes of the passengers, but nobody's put themselves in the shoes of the victim. That's the point.
Sara Sidle: I'm sorry. What are you saying?
Gil Grissom: Nobody stopped to ask Candlewell if he was all right. They just assumed, because he was kicking the back of Nate's seat, that he was a jerk - because he was pushing his call button that he was bothering the Flight Attendant - because he was trying to get into the lavatory he was making a scene - because he was going back and forth up and down the aisles, he was posing a threat.
Catherine Willows: He was a threat.
Gil Grissom: No. He turned into a threat. It didn't have to be that way. People make assumptions. That's the problem. You just did. And I think these passengers made the wrong assumption and now this guy's dead.
Warrick Brown: Well, if that's your stance how could it have been prevented?
Gil Grissom: If just one person had stopped and taken the time to look at the guy, to listen to him, to figure out what was wrong with him it might not have happened. It took five people to kill him. It would've only taken one person to save his life.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Blood Drops (#1.7)" (2000)
Catherine Willows: How's the little girl?
Sara Sidle: Uh, well, the *shrink* said she's in a catatonic state as a result of trauma. *I* could have told you that. Oh, but she *did* respond to the name Buffalo.
Gil Grissom: Respond how?
Sara Sidle: She freaked out.
Gil Grissom: And, what are doing about that now?
Sara Sidle: Going back to the girl. She's out in the car. The windows are cracked. Hey, give me a little credit, she's at the hospital.

Gil Grissom: This is a Lady Macbeth. "Out, out damn spot!". There's not a trace of blood on the teen daughter's clothing. Not a spot!

Tina Collins: That was the last night he was going to touch her.
Gil Grissom: But why your mother? Why your brothers?
Tina Collins: Because they should have protected me.
Gil Grissom: You?
Tina Collins: I was young. I learned to deal. But when he went after my daughter.
Gil Grissom: Daughter? Who's...
Tina Collins: The father? I was 13 and nobody noticed that my clothes were getting bigger.

Conrad Ecklie: That's a career killer.
Gil Grissom: That's what's so sad, Conrad. You see this as a career.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Bully for You (#2.4)" (2001)
Warrick Brown: I thought it was our job to speak for the victim no matter what it took... and to hell with the budgets.
Gil Grissom: Our job is to think, Warrick. Machinery should never matter more than our mind.

[investigating a murder in high school]
Warrick Brown: What were you: a jock or a brain?
Gil Grissom: I was a ghost.

Gil Grissom: Let me guess. Decomp in an enclosed space? Lemons.

Gil Grissom: Sara, do you have any duct tape in your kit?
Sara Sidle: Yeah. It's what I use to hold it together.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Rashomama (#6.21)" (2006)
Hodges: You know, you and me, we're not the marrying kind. The intricacies of our nature can never be understood by just one woman.
Gil Grissom: Would you close the door, please?
[Hodges does so]
Gil Grissom: From the other side.

Gil Grissom: "You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." Spring is but a song/Where love and laughter are not wrong/The blossoms of desire do belong/And Harmonia axyridus fly along.

Frank Rosetti: You want to see a crime scene? I'll show you a crime scene. C'mere, c'mere, look at this, huh?
[shows a smashed wedding cake]
Frank Rosetti: What this woman had against the color peach, I've never seen anything like it. "If you think you're serving that flesh-colored abomination and I'm paying for it, you can think again!" Boom! I'm a 42-year-old paisan; she scared me. I wouldn't be surprised if her pantyhose rebelled against her, tied themselves to the car, the dame was a pill. I swear to God, she may have taken two or three years off my own life. Weddings are a blood, sweat and tears marathon, my friend. I'm on a tight schedule. 12 noon: I got first intro of the couple. 12:30: salad course. 12:45: first dance. 1 o'clock: chair dance, chicken dance, broom dance - I don't care, I'm equal-opportunity. 1:30: main course. 2:15: first toast, groom's side. If the best man shuts his mouth, at 2:16 we have the first toast of the bride's side. 3 o'clock: we cut the cake. 3:30: bouquet toss.
Gil Grissom: That's a tight schedule. She would have barely had time to go to the bathroom.
Frank Rosetti: I don't sell bridal diapers for nothing.
Greg Sanders: He was kidding about the diapers, right?

Jill Shoemaker: For the past six months she made my life Hell, and so I told anyone who would listen that she should die a fiery death. So now everyone's going to think that I killed her.
Gil Grissom: Would you like to be more specific?
Jill Shoemaker: Okay, well, when we got engaged, she ran into the backyard and she screamed "Why, God, why me?" Okay, she wore white today! She, she, she invited Adam's very, very attractive, very, um, single ex-girlfriends. When she found out I had registered for sporting goods, she went behind my back and she changed the registry to housewares saying I had better learn how to cook! Okay, I'm a vegetarian, and she demanded roast beef! Um, oh and then there's the toast... the toast!
Gil Grissom: Are you trying to make me think that you didn't kill her?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Slaves of Las Vegas (#2.8)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: You're very good. You could work for me.
Lady Heather: You want to be my boss?

Gil Grissom: To get to the evidence, we may destroy the evidence.
Catherine Willows: Do you get these haikus out of a book, or do they just come to you?

Catherine Willows: I just realized that you and I have a very healthy relationship.
Gil Grissom: We do?
Catherine Willows: When we have a problem, I don't paint Greg in latex and stick a straw up his nose.
Gil Grissom: Good. He'd probably like it.
Catherine Willows: You're supposed to say something revealing back to me.
Gil Grissom: Okay. I never told anyone this, Catherine.
[screen fades to black]

Gil Grissom: I notice you have no photos of your family in your office.
Eileen Nelson: I know what they look like.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Compulsion (#5.17)" (2005)
Dr. Al Robbins: She was raped... The attack was brutal.
Gil Grissom: Aren't they always? I don't know why people think that rape has anything to do with sex.
Dr. Al Robbins: If a guy just wants sex, he can hire a hooker.

Gil Grissom: Maybe he's back in the game again, selling coke to out-of-town businessmen from the comfort and security of his hotel room.
Sara Sidle: So, he takes a break from his job, rapes and kills the vic at another hotel, and then goes back to work?
Gil Grissom: Even cokeheads need a diversion now and then.

Judge Witherspoon: It's one thing to send a print through AFIS, it's another thing to use a "background subtraction algorithm" to isolate the print from a bedspread.
Gil Grissom: It's not my fault that the courts lag behind our technology.

Gil Grissom: You sniffed it?
[about evidence]
David Hodges: That disgust you?
Gil Grissom: No, actually, it's the first time you've ever done anything to impress me.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Young Man with a Horn (#9.8)" (2008)
Gil Grissom: [Questioning Harry about the death of the young singer] Why did you move the body? Why didn't you call for help?
Harry Bastille: Because I didn't want anybody comin' into my space. Wanted to spend my time in the last place that I was ever happy. We were like a family back there, beautiful moment in time

Sheriff Montgomery: [Grissom has realized that a murder that took place back in the 1958 at the same casino where a murder took place in present day led to the arrest of an innocent man who died in prison] Wilson signed a confession.
Gil Grissom: Yeah, but they say some of you guys used to drive suspects out in to the desert, show 'em a hole in the ground and give 'em a choice of either signing a confession or getting in the hole.
Sheriff Montgomery: We got a good clean print.
Gil Grissom: The file says that you lifted the print from Rosethal's alligator wallet. Now I examined it. Alligator skin would've left voids.
Sheriff Montgomery: Y'know, in the old days, criminals used to be afraid of us. Now it's the other way around.
Gil Grissom: [holds out a photo] Does he look familiar to you? He's been squatting at the Chateau Rouge. I ran his prints against the unidentified from the scene in '58. This man was all over the place.
Sheriff Montgomery: All the crime that's goin' on in Vegas these days, you got time to poke around in my old cases? Good to see you, son. Thanks for the drink.
[Leaves the scene]

Sheriff Montgomery: [Sees Grissom approaching his poker game] Well, I'll be damned. You're two years late, George deal 'em in.
Gil Grissom: No, I can't, Sheriff, I'm working.
Sheriff Montgomery: Well, then what are you doing here?
Gil Grissom: I was hopin' to talk to you, actually. About the Chateau Rouge.
Sheriff Montgomery: [Realizes why Grissom is there] One hand. You win, I'll talk.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Alter Boys (#2.6)" (2001)
Father Powell: He needs spiritual guidance.
[Grissom looks at the suspect, then looks at the dead body]
Gil Grissom: Yeah, I imagine he does.
Father Powell: Ah. Then you'd have no problem with my talking to him.
Gil Grissom: It's the 11th hour. I wouldn't expect anything less.
Father Powell: Eleventh hour?
Gil Grissom: When the reality of their actions set in, they usually turn to religion.
Father Powell: Can you think of a better time?

Gil Grissom: We both have jobs that begin after the crime.
Father Powell: After the sin.
Gil Grissom: Some people would call that a career in futility.
Father Powell: Some call it a vocation.

Father Powell: You don't believe?
Gil Grissom: In religion. I believe in God, in science, in Sunday supper. I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live.
Father Powell: Even if they're handed down by God?
Gil Grissom: How many crusades were fought in the name of God? How many people died because of someone's religion?
Father Powell: Fanaticism, not religion.
Gil Grissom: Semantics. They're still dead.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Ending Happy (#7.21)" (2007)
Sara Sidle: [after putting her hand in the water] Feels like bath water. It's gotta be ninety degrees. There's no way we're going to get an accurate TOD.
Gil Grissom: Places like this always keep their pools warm, it encourages the girls to swim topless. It's good for business.
[at Sara's look]
Gil Grissom: So they tell me.

Gil Grissom: Where's your coroner?
Sheriff Ned Bastille: Couldn't get him on the horn. Probably out in some barn, up to his elbows in a cow's vagina.
Sara Sidle: Excuse me?
Sheriff Ned Bastille: Oh yeah, coroner's a part time gig here in Bryant County. He's a veterinarian. That's his money gig.

Gil Grissom: Twenty-five people here last night, and nobody sees anything.
Tanya: [passing by] Nice hat honey.
Sara Sidle: So, uh, you've been to a place like this before?
Gil Grissom: I worked a murder/suicide at the Naughty Kitty once.
Sara Sidle: No, no. Come on, you know what I mean.
Gil Grissom: As a customer? No.
Sara Sidle: You've never paid for sex?
Gil Grissom: I have not. I find the whole idea very... bleak.
Sara Sidle: Really? How come?
Gil Grissom: Sex should provide the opportunity for human connection, but paid sex does the opposite of that. To me, sex without love is... pointless. It makes you sad.
Sara Sidle: Well, I'm pretty sure I don't make you sad.
Gil Grissom: No. You make me happy.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Swap Meet (#5.5)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: [holding up the vibrator he discovered in a dishwasher] Well, cleanliness is next to godliness.

Dr. Al Robbins: You don't wear LaPerla to a tupperware party.
Gil Grissom: LaPerla?
Dr. Al Robbins: Very expensive. I gave some to my wife once. She accused me of having an affair.

Sara Sidle: Arrive as a couple, leave as a couple.
Gil Grissom: No photos, no video.
Sara Sidle: No affairs.
Gil Grissom: And the kids must never know.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Turn of the Screws (#4.21)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: Albert, dead men don't ride roller coasters.

Gil Grissom: [after a rollercoaster has derailed] Photograph the scene. Bag and tag all the detritus. Forklift anything bigger than Greg.

Gil Grissom: Bag and tag the detritus. Forklift anything bigger than Greg.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Leapin' Lizards (#7.22)" (2007)
Sara Sidle: [laying in bed watching Godzilla together] I always feel sorry for the monster.
Gil Grissom: Then you better turn it off before they use the oxygen destroyer on him.

Gil Grissom: Did you know that pigs are very intelligent animals? Right behind chimps, dolphins, and elephants.
Warrick Brown: Ahead of dogs?
Gil Grissom: And certain politicians.

Gil Grissom: Do you believe that intelligent life exists on other planets?
Sara Sidle: I'm not sure there's intelligent life on this planet; I just was in the barn.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Iced (#5.23)" (2005)
Gil Grissom: [Grissom, Greg, and Sara investigate the death of two lovers] "For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo."
Greg Sanders: Found a condom wrapper.
Gil Grissom: So much for safe sex.
[Sara looks disturbed]

Gil Grissom: And this must be Mr. Billmeyer. I'm so glad he's back.
Conrad Ecklie: Very funny.
Gil Grissom: You might want to have Hodges analyze that cigar. Oh, and the print tech is free. He could, ah, spray the party hat with ninhydrin.
Conrad Ecklie: I think I remember how to do my job, Gil, thank you.
Gil Grissom: I love it when you wear your gloves.

Greg Sanders: Hey Grissom, when you went to college did you live in the dorms?
Gil Grissom: Surely, you jest.
[Sara laughs]
Sara Sidle: You know they say a BA is worth a million dollars of extra income over your life.
Gil Grissom: Yeah but the present value of college tuition is about the same amount.
Greg Sanders: So you're saying college isn't worth the expense?
Gil Grissom: I guess it depends on what you learn.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Bodies in Motion (#6.1)" (2005)
Officer Metcalf: My money's on meth lab.
Sara Sidle: You know, Metcalf, just because somebody lives in a trailer park, doesn't mean they're a meth cook.
Officer Metcalf: You guys are a real pain in the ass, you know that?
Gil Grissom: Get used to it, pal.

Catherine Willows: So you get the team back together only to break us apart again. What kind of a perverse game are you playing here, Gil?
Gil Grissom: I'm not a pervert.

[last lines]
Archie Johnson: The tape was pretty mangled. Enhancement and noise cancellation increase intelligibility, but it alters timber and tone. So, I don't know there's any more I can do here. You know, Nick recorded a message on the flip side of the tape. You think maybe we should
Gil Grissom: [interrupts] No! This is between you and me.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Fur and Loathing (#4.5)" (2003)
[after finding traces of semen on Bud Simmons' cat costume]
Catherine Willows: Okay, well, I've heard of some guys getting off in some weird ways, but humping an animal suit? Whatever happened to normal sex?
Gil Grissom: What is normal sex?
Catherine Willows: So you think it's natural for a grown human to only be intimate with a talking animal?
Gil Grissom: Well, Freud said that the only unusual sexual behavior was to have none at all. And after that, it was only a matter of opportunity and preference. And evidently, some people prefer the feel of fur to the texture of human skin.
Catherine Willows: Well, I like hairy chests, but I'm not about to bop a six-foot weasel.

Gil Grissom: Whoa, this is incredibly detailed. Eyelashes, nostrils...
Catherine Willows: Oh yeah, that's what you see out of. I once dated the Detroit Lions Mascot. Off season. Dutch was his name.
Gil Grissom: The breadth of your social experience never ceases to impress me.

Gil Grissom: Most mammals only copulate seasonally.
Catherine Willows: How boring.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Fannysmackin' (#7.4)" (2006)
Catherine Willows: Pig and the piglets are in the pigpen.
Warrick Brown: About time. Finally some good news.
Catherine Willows: Did you know Pig, a.k.a Cole Tritt, was the only adult? The rest were all under 18. One was 14.
Warrick Brown: You're kidding. Who raises these kids?
Catherine Willows: I mean, they weren't all delinquents. Demetrius James was a college student.
Nick Stokes: Hangin' out with the wrong crowd in the wrong town. I'm tellin' ya, havin' a fake I.D in Las Vegas is like havin' a - a free ticket on the hell train. Sex, drugs, gambling, no adult supervision, 24/7, by the time they're 21 they've done and seen it all.
Catherine Willows: Make me slit my wrists why don't ya? I'm raising a teenager here.
Warrick Brown: Ah, you're doin' a great job, Linds is gonna turn out to be a beautiful young woman. Besides, I grew up in Vegas, I didn't turn out so bad, did I?
Nick Stokes: Yeah. That was pre-Mirage. Back when you were goin' to the casino, playin' the arcade games. Nah, Vegas is a different animal now.
Warrick Brown: Yeah, these kids need to beat people up in the street to be entertained. They need some good discipline, they need their grandmother whuppin' their ass like I had.
Nick Stokes: Yeah, a good slap.
Sara Sidle: You know, it kinda sounds like you guys are blaming everyone but these kids. I mean, you don't get a bye just because you grew up here or your parents are on drugs or - - those kids were perfectly capable of telling the difference between a wild night out and beating somebody to death.
Gil Grissom: The truth is, a moral compass can only point you in the right direction, it can't make you go there. Our culture preaches that you shouldn't be ashamed of anything you do anymore. And unfortunately this city is built on the principle that there's no such thing as guilt. "Do whatever you want, we won't tell." So without a conscience, there's nothing to stop you from killing someone. And evidently you don't even have to feel bad about it.

Gil Grissom: [to Greg] Greg... lose the monkey suit, you got a scene; liquor store robbery. Here's the address.
Greg Sanders: [takes slip of paper from Grissom] Related to the earlier 415s?
Gil Grissom: Could be - Sofia's got one of the suspect's sweaters. I need you to seal it, bring it back here and anything you can find.
Greg Sanders: All right. Who's my wingman?
Gil Grissom: You're a big boy, Greg. You don't need a wingman for this.
Greg Sanders: Primary.
[smiles]
Greg Sanders: Nice.

Gil Grissom: Truth is, a moral compass can only point you in the right direction; it can't make you go there. Our culture preaches that you shouldn't be ashamed of anything you do anymore and, unfortunately, this city is built on the principle that there's no such thing as guilt. 'Do whatever you want; we won't tell.' So without a conscience, there's nothing to stop you from killing someone and evidently, you don't even have to feel bad about it.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Crate 'n' Burial (#1.3)" (2000)
Sara Sidle: Are my observations distracting you?
Gil Grissom: Huh? Oh, I barely heard you.
Sara Sidle: Good thing I have a healthy ego.

Sara Sidle: Hey, Grissom. Can you come tape me up?
Gil Grissom: [after Sidle goes back into the room] I love my job.
Catherine Willows: It shows.

Sara Sidle: Hey, Grissom, could you come tape me up?
Grissom: [to Catherine] I love my work.
Catherine Willows: It shows.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Boom (#1.13)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: You told me you weren't dating her.
Nick Stokes: I wasn't. Till last night.

[Nick enters Grissom's office, which triggers a singing fish above the door]
Gil Grissom: That's my "Big Mouth Billy Bass". He's better than a watch dog.

Nick Stokes: I'm not sleeping with her if that makes a difference.
Gil Grissom: It does.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Felonious Monk (#2.17)" (2002)
Ananda: The past is in the past.
Gil Grissom: True, but sometimes it leaves its fingerprints on the future.

[Ananda is walking alongside the marketplace when Grissom pulls up in his car]
Gil Grissom: [referencing a Buddhist koan, or proverb] If you see the Buddha on the side of the road, kill him.
Ananda: [smiles in recognition of it] Because the true Buddha is inside of us. So that is the false Buddha... or a tired monk who doesn't drive because he can't control his anger.
Gil Grissom: Hop in, I'll give you a lift.

Gil Grissom: [quoting] "Wherever you live is your temple, if you treat it like one."
Sara Sidle: State your source.
Gil Grissom: Buddha.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Suckers (#4.13)" (2004)
[They find out that the body in the pool is a CPR dummy]
Gil Grissom: This is not a crime scene.
[Then the alarm goes off and they find the sword missing and the guard tied up with duct tape]
Gil Grissom: This is a crime scene.

Gil Grissom: [to the guard] I'm sorry - there's no gentle way to do this
[Pulls the tape from the guard's mouth]

Sara Sidle: [Checking the liquid on the floor] This is sweet.
Catherine Willows: Doesn't the room have a sign saying no food or drink allowed?
Gil Grissom: Make sure you get that to Greg!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Big Shots (#7.19)" (2007)
Gil Grissom: [looking at a bullet casing] Fifty caliber, casing looks new. I bet it's from a Desert Eagle.
Hodges: Or a coffee shop. I could drink an espresso out of that thing.

Greg Sanders: This neighborhood rains lead.
Gil Grissom: Yeah, and we have to process every last drop of it.
Greg Sanders: We're going to make Bobby Dawson's boat payment this month.

Greg Sanders: Open champagne bottle, white powder residue. Think it's coke?
Gil Grissom: [shining his flashlight on brain matter and skull fragments] Well then that must be his brain on drugs.
Greg Sanders: Party till you drop.
Gil Grissom: Or get shot, which ever comes first.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Butterflied (#4.12)" (2004)
[to the Doctor/Suspect leaving]
Gil Grissom: It's sad isn't it, Doc? A couple of middle aged guys like us, how we never really touch people unless we're wearing latex gloves. We wake up one morning and realize that for 50 years we haven't really lived at all... But then one day, someone young and beautiful offers to share their life with you, someone you can care about. We have to give up everything we worked for to have them, I couldn't do it... but you did. And she took that back didn't she? She gave you something precious then you took it back. So you took her life instead. You couldn't stand that fact that she was giving it to someone else so you took her life.
Dr. Vincent Lurie: I'm still here.
Gil Grissom: Are you?
[Doctor leaves, camera pulls back to show Sara on the other side of the glass, watching the entire thing]

[Grissom is checking the floor of a crime scene when Catherine walks in]
Catherine Willows: Have you eaten?
Gil Grissom: What have you brought?
Catherine Willows: I'll see what's in the fridge
[Moves to kitchen]
Gil Grissom: We'll have to replace that!

Greg Sanders: [spoken while Grissom is looking under a microscope] That's the hair from the spare bedroom.
Gil Grissom: There's an oily film on the surface of the hair.
Greg Sanders: Propylene glycol. Active ingredient in Rogaine, for male pattern baldness. Personally, I don't use the stuff, but my grandfather Papa Olaf - he was Bruce Willis at age sixteen. Lucky for me, baldness comes from the mother's side, so I'm safe...
Gil Grissom: [interrupting] Greg, please, I'm very tired.
Greg Sanders: Well, maybe the guy we're looking for is going bald... or trying not to. According to Papa Olaf, a lot of guys who use Rogaine also use Propecia, kind of like a cocktail. I ran the hair through MassSpec. I got four peaks - ethyl alcohol, propylene glycol, minoxidil, and finasteride.
Gil Grissom: Finasteride, the chemical name for Propecia.
Greg Sanders: But wait, there's more, and it's a family secret. Sexual. Happens in less than two percent of users.
[whispering]
Greg Sanders: Papa Olaf was one of those people that needed hydraulics.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Spark of Life (#5.18)" (2005)
[first lines]
Chief Rick Dysart: Local homeowner called it in early. We got it contained pretty quick. We were lucky.
Gil Grissom: [about charred body] Luckier than he was. Low humidity, dry brush. Perfect conditions for maximum damage.
Chief Rick Dysart: Firebugs listen to the weather reports just like we do. Only for different reasons.
Sara Sidle: Maybe some moron just threw a cigarette out the car window.
Chief Rick Dysart: You're an optimist.

Sara Sidle: I've got the business end of a disposable lighter. Could be an ignition source.
Gil Grissom: Hey. What's that?
Sara Sidle: Possible accelerant.
Gil Grissom: Or possible Martini.
Sara Sidle: I didn't think you could smell vodka.
Gil Grissom: Well, that depends on how long it was distilled.
Sara Sidle: Cheap stuff.
Gil Grissom: Ironically, the word for "vodka" comes from the Russian phrase "zhiznennaya voda" - "water of life".

Gil Grissom: I hear our victim is still alive.
Greg Sanders: I don't see why.
Gil Grissom: Well, she's not ready to let go yet.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Good, the Bad and the Dominatrix (#7.23)" (2007)
Gil Grissom: I'm the only one Heather trusts.
Sara Sidle: I get it.
Gil Grissom: Sara.
Sara Sidle: [Grissom can't think of what to say] It's fine. Do what you need to do.

Catherine Willows: You were with her all night, can you explain why? I know you don't go home and cuddle your insects every single night, but why would you go there knowing we're in the middle of an investigation? And now she's a prime suspect with you as her alibi.
Gil Grissom: It was a social call. That's all.
Catherine Willows: So, when your personal life gets tangled up in a case, that's off limits?
Gil Grissom: Yes.
Catherine Willows: Isn't that a little hypocritical?
Gil Grissom: Apparently so.
Catherine Willows: You know, I'd slap you but I think you'd enjoy it too much.

Greg Sanders: [after Grissom tells him that he has to work dayshift because they're shorthanded] Why can't days keep anybody?
Gil Grissom: Money, stress, Ecklie... maybe.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: No Humans Involved (#5.10)" (2004)
[Sofia thinks aloud]
Gil Grissom: She talks to herself.
Captain Jim Brass: It works for me.

Catherine Willows: Now tell me why you really stopped by. You checking up on me?
Gil Grissom: No.
Catherine Willows: What've you heard? Who talked to you?
Gil Grissom: See? You've been on the job for a week and you're already paranoid.

Catherine Willows: Did you ever play politics?
Gil Grissom: I once ran for president of the science club in junior high. Mary Hardy beat me out by one vote.
Catherine Willows: I'm going to guess that you didn't vote for yourself.
Gil Grissom: I'm not any good at politics. And it's cost me. It's how I lost Nick and Warrick.
Catherine Willows: Your loss was my gain.
Gil Grissom: Yeah. And at least they're in good hands.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Burked (#2.1)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: It's been 24 minutes, Greg. When's this thing going to be done?
Greg Sanders: Well, with all due respect, sir, it's not a baked potato.

Greg Sanders: Did I ever tell you I used to live in New York?
Gil Grissom: Is this going to be a short story or a novel?

Gil Grissom: Would you mind if I took a picture for my bite collection?
Walt Braun: Whatever rubs your Buddha.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Recipe for Murder (#3.11)" (2003)
[Grissom and Willows enter a restaurant to investigate the death of one of its chefs. The hostess stops answering a very busy phone and turns to them]
The Hostess: Hi, last name?
Gil Grissom: We don't have reservation. We're here...
The Hostess: [taking back the phone] Party of four? Three weeks from Thursday? Let me see...
Catherine Willows: Excuse me but you don't understand...
The Hostess: [holding up the phone] No, I'm sorry you don't understand. Your walk-in's in a very busy night. We're short a chef.
Catherine Willows: We know. He's dead.
Gil Grissom: Not only dead. Dismembered. We're with the crime lab.
The Hostess: [putting down the phone] I'll get the owner.

Gil Grissom: [Grissom to Willows, struggling to remove a dismembered hand caught in a meat grinder] I'm gonna need a hand.

Gil Grissom: [after identifying the kitchen knife used to dismember a chef] "Let us carve him as a dish fit for the gods"
Catherine Willows: I'm going to guess Shakespeare.
Gil Grissom: Julius Ceaser.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Big Middle (#5.16)" (2005)
[last lines]
Greg Sanders: So what do you like? What gets your juices flowing?
Gil Grissom: Someone who doesn't judge me.

Gil Grissom: I'm not married.
Regina Kern: Girlfriend?
Gil Grissom: No.
Regina Kern: [smiling] You want one?
Gil Grissom: [smiling] Yes, I do.
[gives a wink]

Gil Grissom: Hi beetle!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Dead Ringer (#4.20)" (2004)
Catherine Willows: [after Grissom pulls the 4x4 to the road side during her training run] 20 C.S.I.s, 200 runners...
Gil Grissom: Don't blame me. Blame him
[Shines his torch onto a corpse by the side of the road]

[a corpse found on the roadside turns out to be a LAPD SES officer]
Catherine Willows: So much for the race.
Gil Grissom: At least we didn't come last.

Gil Grissom: Sooner or later, everybody gets replaced.
Arrested LAPD officer: Talk to me when it happens to you.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Getting Off (#4.16)" (2004)
[Mindy is a drug addict whose problem indirectly cost a friend his life]
Mindy DuPont: One guy's dead. One guy's going to jail.
Gil Grissom: You're free to go.
Mindy DuPont: Go where?

Sara Sidle: [Grissom gave her a strange look] What?
Gil Grissom: I haven't seen you in a while, have I?
Sara Sidle: You see me every day.
[smiles and walks away]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: I Like to Watch (#6.17)" (2006)
Director: Excuse me, hi, can you identify yourself for the camera, please? Just look right in the lens.
Gil Grissom: What is this?
Director: It's a reality crime show. We're following you for this investigation. Sheriff promised full cooperation.
Catherine Willows: We got that memo. They're "Hard Crime".
Director: That's us; we put the folks who look in the microscopes under the microscopes.
Catherine Willows: Right. You see, it's good P.R. for the department. Try not to bust their chops, okay?
Director: You ever see the show? It's got a lot of forensics.
Gil Grissom: There's too many forensics shows on TV.

Gil Grissom: There's too many forensics shows on TV.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: One to Go (#9.10)" (2009)
David Hodges: [Walks in as Grissom is cleaning out his office] Okay. So this is really real. Fine. So, as your friend and colleague I feel that it is my obligation to inform you what a colossal mistake you're making. Grissom:
Gil Grissom: Hodges...
David Hodges: Guys like us just don't get to hang it up. This job is who we are. We are the thin blue line between order and chaos. You take yourself out of the equation, who knows what's gonna happen. That's the Butterfly Effect. You taught me that. The bad guys will win more if we don't have you. Who is Watson without Sherlock Holmes?
Gil Grissom: Watson was a genius in his own right... It's the right time for me to go.
David Hodges: Okay.

Gil Grissom: A penny for your thoughts?
Dr. Raymond Langston: [Pointing up to where the Tom Donover was sitting] He was sitting right there. He was looking at me, I was looking at him. All I saw was another student.
Gil Grissom: That's all I saw.
Dr. Raymond Langston: I guess I'm tired of getting fooled.
Gil Grissom: People lie, Professor. The only thing that we can count on is the evidence.
Dr. Raymond Langston: Thank you for letting me help. It was...
[pauses]
Dr. Raymond Langston: Well, it was something that I really needed to do.
[Starts to walk away]
Gil Grissom: Hey
[Langston turns around]
Gil Grissom: I don't know if you'd have any interest, but we have a job position open in our lab.
Dr. Raymond Langston: You're serious?
[Grissom nods]
Dr. Raymond Langston: I can't imagine myself as a cop.
Gil Grissom: We're not cops. We come from a wide variety of backgrounds. You're a medical doctor. You're totally qualified. It's an entry level position. The hours are terrible, the pay is bad.
Dr. Raymond Langston: But money's not exactly the object, is it?
Gil Grissom: I think that you'd be a great help to CSI and you might really enjoy it.
Dr. Raymond Langston: I'll think on it.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: A Bullet Runs Through It, Part 1 (#6.7)" (2005)
Catherine Willows: The sheriff said they were chasing another car. A...
Gil Grissom: Lemme guess, a Buick?
Catherine Willows: I hate it when you do that.

Gil Grissom: Make sure you document these skid marks
[walks away]
Greg Sanders: [laughs and says under his breath] He said skid marks.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Precious Metal (#3.18)" (2003)
Greg Sanders: I told you, dude was busted.
Gil Grissom: What happened to your enthusiasm, Greg?
Greg Sanders: Well, every time I make another DNA match in here, my world gets a little smaller. Out there, it felt large.
Gil Grissom: Out there means a pay cut.

Gil Grissom: So, lets see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?
Greg Sanders: Weird, huh?
Gil Grissom: Well, I race cockroaches.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Who Shot Sherlock (#5.11)" (2005)
Greg Sanders: So, are you going to say, "The game's afoot"?
Gil Grissom: I didn't know you were a Conan Doyle fan, Greg.
Greg Sanders: I'm not. I saw a Sherlock Holmes movie once, by mistake.
Gil Grissom: Well just so you know, those movies never ended like this.

Gil Grissom: Shag tobacco.
David Hodges: Yeah. How'd you know?
Gil Grissom: That's what Holmes smoked.
David Hodges: Bad habit, even for a fictional character.
Gil Grissom: [to Greg] You do have two suspects with pipes.
Greg Sanders: Yeah. And, uh, smoking kills.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Hunger Artist (#2.23)" (2002)
[a rat has just climbed out of a murder victim's mouth]
Captain Jim Brass: Whoa.
Gil Grissom: I think she just ratted herself out.
[later, before the victim's autopsy]
Dr. Al Robbins: Heard about the rat. Hope it didn't have any children.

Sara Sidle: [looking at a hair sample through a microscope] I got crabs.
Gil Grissom: [looks up] Excuse me?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Lucky Strike (#3.16)" (2003)
Nick Stokes: Who puts the Bat-gates in?
Gil Grissom: Batman.

Nick Stokes: There's a sucker born every minute.
Gil Grissom: Yep. And they all come to Vegas.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: A Night at the Movies (#3.19)" (2003)
Catherine Willows: Theaters are like nightclubs. They should always keep the lights off.
Gil Grissom: This is the last art house left in Vegas. I saw Baraka here, on a double bill with Koyaanisquatsi.
Catherine Willows: Was there anyone else here?
Gil Grissom: Sure.
Catherine Willows: With you?
Gil Grissom: No.

Catherine Willows: What'd I miss?
Gil Grissom: Murder, seduction, deceit. The usual.
Catherine Willows: Mmm. This one of your favorites?
Gil Grissom: Actually, I'm not a big fan of noir.
Catherine Willows: Okay... Well, what do you like?
Gil Grissom: I like silent movies.
[Catherine looks at him, then she looks at the screen when Gil looks at her for a second and turns back to the screen again]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: 19 Down (#9.9)" (2008)
Captain Jim Brass: [about Langston] He's a little cranky for an academic, isn't he?
Gil Grissom: Actually, he's an M.D from back east. A colleague at his hospital turned out to be an angel of death, killed 27 patients before he was caught. Langston was the staff's research pathologist, all the morbidity evidence came across his desk, but he was unable to connect the dots. He wrote a book about it.
Captain Jim Brass: Was it any good?
Gil Grissom: I liked it.

Gil Grissom: So, let's assume that 'shoe print' was involved in all four murders. It's possible that he knew, Gerald, right? Is it also possible that he was an accomplice of D.J.K.?
Greg Sanders: That would explain the 9 post-mortem stab wounds in Ian Wallace. It's a continuation of the master's work.
Catherine Willows: But if he was D.J.K.'s helper, back in the day, why go quiet for 10 years then suddenly start killing again?
Greg Sanders: Maybe he was doing time?
Catherine Willows: And when he realized that his old partner turned informant, he got scared and killed him.
Gil Grissom: Maybe that's what brought the old thrill back. Once these guys get a taste, it never seems to go away.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Forever (#3.21)" (2003)
Rhone Kinsey-Confer: Freaking pony lover...
[Gil Grissom smiles]
Gil Grissom: A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.

[the investigators discover a horse was being used to smuggle diamonds]
Gil Grissom: The horse is a mule.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: You've Got Male (#2.12)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: Mister Willoughby, would you mind if I fingerprint your spigot?
Mr. Willoughby: No one's ever asked me that before.

Gil Grissom: A girl... in a culvert pipe... at a highway construction site... in the middle of an alfalfa field...
[turns to Brass]
Gil Grissom: You got anything to add?
Captain Jim Brass: Nothing as poetic.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Scuba Doobie-Doo (#2.5)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: So, you get up in the morning, make coffee and go, "I think I'll blow some blood on the kitchen wall today." Get out of the shower grab your towel, go, "Hey, this looks like a nice spot to expirate a couple of pints."

[Sara walks out to find Grissom pacing furiously]
Gil Grissom: Ninety-five.
Sara Sidle: Excuse me?
Gil Grissom: Normally my pulse is seventy, when it gets to ninety-five, I realize just how mad I am. I have ten people working around the clock on this!
Sara Sidle: You're too hard on yourself.
Gil Grissom: No, I'm not mad at *me*. There's a body in there and that guy knows where it is.
Sara Sidle: So what's your pulse at now?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Theory of Everything (#8.15)" (2008)
Gil Grissom: Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Hodges: Winston Churchill.
Gil Grissom: Ian Fleming.
[Goldfinger]

Hodges: Anytime you need a sniffer to detect it, my nose has the cyanide gene.
Gil Grissom: What gene turned your nose brown?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Play with Fire (#3.22)" (2003)
David Hodges: [sucking up to Grissom] Hey, boss. Just analyzed the evidence found on your vic's rent-a-car!
Gil Grissom: You should be telling Nick or Sara.
David Hodges: [brushes it aside] Yeah, couldn't find them. They must be on another break. Anyway, the blister pack is methadone. 40 milligrams, former smack addict dose. And that ceramic chip? Not ceramic. It's acrylic with a quartz resin composite used primarily in dental crowns. Cheap ones.
Gil Grissom: Good work.
David Hodges: Yeah, thank you. Listen, I'd like to think that you and I...
Gil Grissom: [cutting him off] Now go tell Nick or Sara.

Sara Sidle: Do you want to have dinner with me?
Gil Grissom: No.
Sara Sidle: Come on, let's go to dinner... let's see what happens.
Gil Grissom: Sara... I... don't know what to do about this.
Sara Sidle: I do. And when you finally figure it out, it might be too late.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Caged (#2.7)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: Aaron Pratt is a high-functioning autistic man with superior right brain abilities.
Nick Stokes: Kind of sounds like you.

Gil Grissom: [quoting Othello Act I Scene I] But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Invisible Evidence (#4.7)" (2003)
Gil Grissom: If you need someone to talk to...
David Hodges: Yeah. When's a good time?
Gil Grissom: We have a psychologist here on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Gil Grissom: I'm sorry, you look lost.
Sheriff Rory Atwater: I've been calling your cell.
Gil Grissom: We get bad reception here in CSI. Listen, if this is about dinner I'm free next week. I'll be having the fish.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Pirates of the Third Reich (#6.15)" (2006)
Wendy Simms: I have a question. How do you have sex with the guy who killed your daughter?
Gil Grissom: Revenge is an act of passion.

Gil Grissom: [Lady Heather is violently beating a man with a whip] Heather, I said stop.
[Grissom grabs Heather as she cries in his arms]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Mea Culpa (#5.9)" (2004)
Captain Jim Brass: He's looking into your whole team. And your ability to lead them.
Gil Grissom: Poor Conrad.
Captain Jim Brass: I hate to tell you, but when it comes to politics, he whips your ass. So watch your back, it's gonna get ugly.

Gil Grissom: Look, Ecklie doesn't have a scientific bone in his body, he starts with the answers he wants and then devises the questions to get them.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Cool Change (#1.2)" (2000)
Detective Barns: How do you talk to a dead body?
Gil Grissom: I let him talk to me, actually. In fact, he just spoke. Didn't you hear him? He just told me he didn't commit suicide.

Gil Grissom: [considering three possibilities using the "Norman" dummies] Norman pushed... Norman jumped... Norman fell.
Sara Sidle: Wouldn't you, if you were married to Mrs. Roper?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Bite Me (#6.3)" (2005)
David Phillips: It's like the Red Sea in here.
Gil Grissom: The Red Sea's not red, David.
David Phillips: No, it's blue from afar and transparent when held in hand, like any other body of water. I was just speaking figuratively.

Catherine Willows: What are you thinking?
Gil Grissom: Led Zeppelin.
[pause. Grissom glances up the stairs]
Gil Grissom: Stairway to Heaven.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda (#9.7)" (2008)
Natalie Davis: I'm very sorry for what I did to Sara and to you. My foster father killed himself because of me. I was wrong to blame anybody else for it.
Gil Grissom: Is that how you really feel? Or is that how you think that you should feel?
Natalie Davis: I understand if you don't believe me. Psychopathic personalities are very often skilled at mimicking genuine emotion. But I'm truly sorry

DA Monroe: [DA Monroe is questioning Grissom about his motives for attending Natalie's transfer request trial] Then you are here for revenge?
Gil Grissom: I don't care about revenge. I have no stake in the outcome of these proceedings. Whether Natalie stays here or goes to prison is at the discretion of this court. I've been trying to believe that people can change, even people who are damaged. But I don't know if they can...
[pauses]
Gil Grissom: I just don't know.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Too Tough to Die (#1.16)" (2001)
[Nick is complaining about not being able to get a warrant for a search]
Gil Grissom: You're a grown man, Nick. Stop whining.

Gil Grissom: If you chase two rabbits, you end up losin' 'em both.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Inside the Box (#3.23)" (2003)
Catherine Willows: How long have we known each other?
Gil Grissom: In weeks, months or years?
Catherine Willows: Can you hear me?

Gil Grissom: Nick, give me that apple.
Nick Stokes: [looks at the apple he's been eating] But I didn't get any lunch...
Gil Grissom: You're not supposed to be eating in here so give it.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Got Murder? (#3.12)" (2003)
Gil Grissom: [holding up a human eye] Well, someone's missing a contact lens.

Gil Grissom: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
Catherine Willows: We're up a tree and you're quoting Poe? Give me something else.
Gil Grissom: Quoth the Raven, only this and nothing more.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Fight Night (#3.7)" (2002)
Gil Grissom: You wanted to work solo.
Nick Stokes: Yeah, but it's like Night of the Pifflings out there and I'm on a smash and grab.
Gil Grissom: Pifflings?
Nick Stokes: Puffin offspring. First time out of the nest every year they crash land in this town near Iceland because they are attracted to the lights of human civilization. It's the same way people flock to Vegas for a fight.
[For a moment, GRISSOM stares a NICK. Then his face lights up as though he's finally figured it out]
Gil Grissom: Animal Planet.
[GRISSOM turns and walks down the hallway]
Nick Stokes: [calls out] How come when you talk about bugs everyone says you're a genius but when I talk about birds everyone says I watch too much television?
Gil Grissom: I don't know. Look, the next night of the pifflings you get the first dead body.

Nick Stokes: How come when you talk about bugs, everyone thinks you're a genius, but when I talk about birds, everyone says I watch too much television?
[pause]
Gil Grissom: I don't know.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: No More Bets (#4.22)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: [Gil has found a dead body in a graveyard full of broken neon signs] I'm looking for a sign.

Gil Grissom: He's wearing a wig... and a fat suit. Is it Halloween?
Catherine Willows: In this town, it's always Halloween.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: And Then There Were None (#2.9)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: A Harvard professor conducting an experiment asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game and count the number of times the ball was passed.
Captain Jim Brass: Yeah, groundbreaking.
Gil Grissom: During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterwards the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "What gorilla?"
Captain Jim Brass: That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.

Gil Grissom: Dressed as a woman, among men dressed as women... now that's a disguise.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Last Laugh (#3.20)" (2003)
Gil Grissom: Excuse me. Can you please turn down the house lights and turn on the stage lights?
[stage light comes onto Grissom]
Gil Grissom: I want to see what he saw right before he died.
Catherine Willows: What do you see?
Gil Grissom: Nothing.
Catherine Willows: What are you looking for?
[beat]
Gil Grissom: A punchline?
Captain Jim Brass: Ba-dum-bum.

Michael Borland: [after he has been mocking Dougie Max] Shut up. Shut up. Don't you get it? Are you that stupid? I am making fun of you. I'm the lowest common denominator in comedy when I do that crap. The only way I could get you to stop laughing now is if I went to every single table and slit every one of your throats. I can see that I'm getting the red light, ladies and gentlemen, and that means it's time for me to stop.
[singing]
Michael Borland: Stop with the hate and stop with the fear.
[stops singing]
Michael Borland: Stop with the lies.
[starts to walk down the aisle]
Michael Borland: Comedy, uh, comedy is supposed to be about the truth. You know, uh, I killed tonight. And I, uh, killed, uh, two nights ago. Dougie Max. Uh... on this stage. 'Cause I despised everything he stood for. Dumb people, like you. You think I did a disservice to the world by killing Dougie Max? You ought to give me a parade. But the shame of it is... is that uh, an innocent kid got killed too and, uh, I blame you.
[points to Grissom]
Michael Borland: Yeah, I, uh, I didn't think you were going to get the joke.
Gil Grissom: Oh, I got it. It just wasn't funny.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Bad to the Bone (#4.18)" (2004)
Captain Jim Brass: [checking the beaten Vic's driver's license] Tony Sciarra from Philadelphia.
Grissom: So much for brotherly love.

Grissom: [after getting attacked]
[to Catherine]
Grissom: I'm fine.
Catherine Willows: [touches his wound on his neck] Nasty. Kinda looks like a hicky.
[he pushes her hand away]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Poppin' Tags (#6.20)" (2006)
Gil Grissom: [to Nick, looking at a dead body at the top of a palm tree] Want to get high?
Nick Stokes: Do I have to?

Gil Grissom: [Looking at the blood stained staple gun] If this is a gang war, these kids were outgunned


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Two and a Half Deaths (#8.16)" (2008)
Warrick Brown: [showing a Rorschach-like blood stain] What does this look like to you?
Gil Grissom: Hermaphrodite on roller skates.
Catherine Willows: A puppy.
[Grissom and Catherine look at each other quizzically]

David Phillips: [to Grissom, after pulling a rubber chicken out of the mouth of a murder victim] Oh, come on. You've gotta say something. Uhh, "I suspect fowl play"; or, uh, "that's poultry evidence." You know: something.
Gil Grissom: Dying's easy; comedy's hard.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Grave Danger: Volume 1 (#5.24)" (2005)
Sara Sidle: Ether? That's old school.
Warrick Brown: Yeah, stuff is volatile, flammable. Outside of meth cooks, no one uses it anymore.
Gil Grissom: People use what they know.

Walter Gordon: You're telling me there's a million dollars in here.
Gil Grissom: Yes.
Walter Gordon: Along with some cute little booby traps? Which is it? A tracer? A dye pack?
Gil Grissom: Normally, you'd be 100% right, but this time, you're 100% wrong. We want Nick back, no tricks.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Leaving Las Vegas (#7.11)" (2007)
Warrick Brown: Hey, Griss. So Hodges told me that you're flying the coop. What's the matter, you sick of babysittin'?
Gil Grissom: Just the opposite, I'm a teacher with no students.
Warrick Brown: I've still got a lot to learn. And besides, having you around kinda keeps me honest.
Gil Grissom: Whether you know it or not, you're the rock of my team. Catherine's gonna be in charge for a while, while I'm gone. Just be there for her like you've been there for me and it'll all be fine.
Warrick Brown: Thanks man, that means a lot. You know I got you covered.

Gil Grissom: I'll be back in four weeks, Stop Hugging Me!


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Goodbye and Good Luck (#8.7)" (2007)
Nick Stokes: [about Marlon West] He confessed. It was later thrown out on a technicality. We really didn't need it. The prosecution's case against Marlon was very strong.
Sara Sidle: Until Marlon's little sister Hannah got on the stand and confessed to the murder herself.
Catherine Willows: Oh, yes, I remember this case. A high school senior at age 12.
Nick Stokes: She's a pint-size Machiavelli. She manipulated events, fabricated evidence, and in the end...
Sara Sidle: She claimed that she did it because she loved Marlon. Some warped sense of justice... She graduated later that summer, became legally emancipated from her parents and went off to Harvard, pre-med.
Gil Grissom: You keeping tabs on her?
Sara Sidle: Not recently. Look, accident or no accident, Marlon killed before. Hannah sunk this case, Marlon got a free pass, and now he's killed again.
Catherine Willows: Well, we don't know that just yet. I mean, we don't have Marlon's DNA to compare with the semen that was found in the victim. All the old evidence was expunged with the verdict.
Sara Sidle: I want this case.
Gil Grissom: The one that got away?
Sara Sidle: We're not supposed to let them get away, right?

Sara Sidle: I don't think Kira punched Marlon. I think Hannah picked up the tooth from a fight that Marlon had earlier in the evening. And I think she planted it on Kira.
[Grissom is silent as he thinks about it]
Sara Sidle: That's crazy.
Gil Grissom: It's possible.
Sara Sidle: This kid is spinning me in circles again.
Gil Grissom: You know, Sara, some cases, some suspects, can get under your skin. Like this tooth. But you can't let 'em make you feel bad.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Overload (#2.3)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: I need to see his testicles.
Randy Gesek, Funeral Director: I always knew there was something weird about you.

Warrick Brown: You want his blood?
Gil Grissom: One pint, to go.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Burden of Proof (#2.15)" (2002)
[upon finding an insect on the victim's clothes]
Gil Grissom: It's a carpet beetle. It shouldn't be here.
Catherine Willows: The vic seem more like a hardwood floors kind of guy to you?
Gil Grissom: Carpet beetles are usually the last to arrive at a corpse, when only found on a body when its near becoming being a skeleton. This guy is still fresh.
[looks up at skeleton hanging from tree, sees other insects on it]
Gil Grissom: David! Get this body out of here right now! We've got cross-contamination!

Gil Grissom: So, take some photos of the experiment for the D.A. and then, uh, get rid of that stuff.
Sara Sidle: That meat? The raw meat? Me?
Gil Grissom: Yeah.
Sara Sidle: How many meals have we shared together?
Gil Grissom: I don't know.
Sara Sidle: Take a guess. Over a year working together.
Gil Grissom: ...Thirty?
Sara Sidle: I'm a vegetarian, everyone here knows I'm a vegetarian. I haven't eaten meat since we stayed up that night with that dead pig. It pains me to see ground beef. Forget about cleaning it up.
Gil Grissom: Okay... have Nick do it.
[leaves]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Room Service (#6.2)" (2005)
Gil Grissom: It was in the days of public hangings that people first noticed that men would get erections and sometimes even ejaculate. They called it "The Killer Orgasm".


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: I-15 Murders (#1.11)" (2001)
Gil Grissom: How are you, Jim? How's your *old* job?
Captain Jim Brass: I can sling scum all day long. You?
Gil Grissom: I curse more.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Monster in the Box (#7.16)" (2007)
Gil Grissom: Eeni Meeni Miniee Moe, Catch a Monster By the Toe


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Grissom Versus the Volcano (#4.9)" (2003)
[Grissom and Catherine are looking at a science project class volcano]
Catherine Willows: In fifth grade I built one of these as my science fair project, it was awesome. First place should have been mine, but they ended up giving it to this kid with some lame red ant colony.
[Catherine looks at Grissom who is smiling]
Catherine Willows: That was you!
Gil Grissom: Yeah, only my ants were black Argentineans.
Catherine Willows: Uh-huh...
Gil Grissom: I learned at a very early age that the bugs always win.
Catherine Willows: Right...


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: One Hit Wonder (#3.14)" (2003)
Gil Grissom: Sometimes the best intentions are fraught with disappointments.
Sara Sidle: Emmerson?
Gil Grissom: Grissom.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Who and What (#8.6)" (2007)
Gil Grissom: I've learned that sometimes you can go faster by going slow.
Jack Malone: Yeah, well, I like to go faster by going fast.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Killer (#6.14)" (2006)
Red Cooper: So tell me, where did I go wrong?
Gil Grissom: You killed two people.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Anonymous (#1.8)" (2000)
[describing the man who asked him to hold up cue cards in front of an ATM machine]
Bum: And when he talked, he spoke with a...
Gil Grissom: Stutter.
Bum: Yeah!
Gil Grissom: Paul Millander.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Chasing the Bus (#2.18)" (2002)
Gil Grissom: We need a treadmill; a big one.
Nick Stokes: Alright, to do what?
Gil Grissom: Exercise a bus.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Time of Your Death (#6.22)" (2006)
Gil Grissom: [Archie stands up and shakes his legs] What are you doing?
Archie: I've been watching movies for three days straight... my butt fell asleep.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Let the Seller Beware (#3.3)" (2002)
Gil Grissom: Greg!
Greg Sanders: Yeah.
Gil Grissom: Take off your shoes and socks.
Greg Sanders: See, now we're getting into this whole strip forensics thing and I'm not too sure I can hang with that - even if you are my boss.
Gil Grissom: Your mother's maiden name was Hojem? Hojem is Norwegian, right?
Greg Sanders: That's right and you know my grandfather was tossed from Norway for getting my grandmother pregnant before they got married. To this day he still tells me, "Som man reder sa ligger man".
[pause]
Greg Sanders: One must lie in the bed one has made.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: What's Eating Gilbert Grissom? (#5.6)" (2004)
[Grissom takes a swab of a machine gear and rubs it on the blood tester]
Walter Beerly: It's pregnant?
[Grissom shows him the results]
Gil Grissom: It's human.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Ch-Ch-Changes (#5.8)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: I thought you'd want to know what happened to Wendy.
Mimosa: I appreciate your telling me. Killed by someone in our own community. As if we don't have enough enemies. Her parents never understood her, but still I think they should know. What do I say?
Gil Grissom: Show them an oyster.
Mimosa: I'm sorry?
Gil Grissom: There are two types of male oysters, and one of them can change genders at will. And before man crawled out of the muck, maybe he had the same option. Maybe originally we were supposed to be able to switch genders, and being born with just one sex... is a mutation.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Loco Motives (#7.10)" (2006)
[Catherine is trying not to laugh at a man waist-deep in concrete]
Gil Grissom: Catherine, do you need a moment?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Fahrenheit 932 (#1.12)" (2001)
Murderer: Hey Grissom! This guy sent me away to prison... shoeprints! Next time I'm going barefoot.
Gil Grissom: Even better... footprints


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: After the Show (#4.8)" (2003)
Catherine Willows: Thousands of girls come to Vegas every year, just hoping to beat the odds.
Gil Grissom: Some of them do.
Catherine Willows: And some of them don't.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: A Little Murder (#3.4)" (2002)
Gil Grissom: I think we've got a little murder.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Early Rollout (#4.15)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: [discussing Catherine's goals when trying to finish her evaluation] You don't have a personal life?
Catherine Willows: Write this down. I haven't had sex in 6 - no, 7 months!
Gil Grissom: How can I help?
[Catherine looks shocked]
Gil Grissom: You. Advance, I mean.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Say Uncle (#9.6)" (2008)
Gil Grissom: I'm sorry we solved this one. I really am.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Random Acts of Violence (#3.13)" (2003)
[about a suspect in a case that is personal to Warrick]
Warrick Brown: This guy's been in Matt's house.
Gil Grissom: What is this?
Warrick Brown: [holds up a trophy] Matt's team won this three years ago.
[picks up another]
Warrick Brown: This trophy was given to the rec center last year. I found all this stuff in Jacobs' car.
Gil Grissom: Well, if this is evidence, it needs to be tagged and cataloged.
Warrick Brown: This is the same guy who shot Matt's daughter in the head and he's walking around laughing at us.
Gil Grissom: Can you prove that?
Warrick Brown: What is this? I've been putting guys away like this for years and now that it matters, it's like you're holding me back here.
[people in the lab begin to stare]
Gil Grissom: Your job, Warrick, is to process evidence. Objectively and without prejudice.
Warrick Brown: I'm so tired of hearing that. I've heard it a million times. I can't be like you. I'm not a robot, okay! I actually care about these people!
Gil Grissom: You know what? You're not working on this case anymore. I'll have another assignment for you tomorrow.
Warrick Brown: Keep it.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Kiss Kiss, Bye Bye (#6.13)" (2006)
Gil Grissom: [after finding Hodges coloring his grey hair with a sharpie marker] Vainity, thy name is Hodges.
Hodges: This isn't what it looks like. I actually like my grey hair, the few that I have.
Sara Sidle: Hodges, don't you know that grey hair can be very attractive.
[Grissom looks at her]


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Built to Kill: Part 2 (#7.2)" (2006)
Sara Sidle: [standing in Grissom's office doorway] I hear we're out of suspects.
Gil Grissom: Not necessarily. Could be in town. Could be out of town. I'll work on it.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Dog Eat Dog (#6.9)" (2005)
Greg Sanders: [referring to all of the hot dogs he just bought] ... And now there are over 50 major brands.
Gil Grissom: Well, good luck. I'm rooting for you.
Greg Sanders: Hopefully I'll find a weener!
[referring to winner]
Greg Sanders: .


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Shooting Stars (#6.4)" (2005)
Gil Grissom: Abigail, I'm sure if there is something out there, looking down on us from somewhere else in the universe, they're wise enough to stay away from us.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Bad Words (#4.19)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: [reading an obese victim's shirt] "735"?
Captain Jim Brass: His goal weight?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Living Legend (#7.9)" (2006)
Captain Jim Brass: Well then, looks like we have a homicide related road-pizza.
Gil Grissom: Yeah... who ordered it?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: $35K O.B.O. (#1.18)" (2001)
Captain Jim Brass: I still can't believe you messed up the crime scene.
Gil Grissom: Her body fell out when I opened the door. It happens. We move on.
Captain Jim Brass: Uh-huh. It's gonna bother you all day.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Burn Out (#7.6)" (2006)
Carl Fisher: I never meant to hurt anyone. I need you to believe me.
Gil Grissom: I don't. You had choices. You made the wrong ones. And now this little boy... is gone.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Crow's Feet (#5.4)" (2004)
Gil Grissom: Does it ever bother you that you make your living killing insects?
Ted Martin: What kind of question is that?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Empty Eyes (#7.18)" (2007)
Sara Sidle: My date got canceled.
Gil Grissom: I'm sure he had a good excuse.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Paper or Plastic? (#4.14)" (2004)
Warrick Brown: How do you want us to handle this?
Gil Grissom: Same way you'd eat an elephant... one bite at a time.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Stalker (#2.19)" (2002)
Dr. Al Robbins: She's a natural blonde.
Catherine Willows: [after seeing Grissom looking at her] Why are you looking at me?
Gil Grissom: [shakes his head] Sorry.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Jackpot (#4.6)" (2003)
[Dr. Robbins has received a decomposed human head in the mail; Grissom walks into the morgue]
Gil Grissom: I heard you got some head.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Daddy's Little Girl (#6.12)" (2006)
Warrick Brown: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
Gil Grissom: The winner?


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Unbearable (#5.14)" (2005)
Sofia Curtis: No, it's time I made a change. I don't like the direction the lab's headed.
Gil Grissom: You mean Ecklie? You can't pay any attention to him.
Sofia Curtis: No, you got a good team, but I was a supervisor. My demotion was undeserved, and every day I'm here, I'm reminded of that.
[pause]
Sofia Curtis: What?
Gil Grissom: Well, someone once said, "What we are never changes, but who we are, never stops changing."


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Spellbound (#6.19)" (2006)
Gil Grissom: What am I thinking?
Greg Sanders: That I'm due for a promotion?
Gil Grissom: That you should focus on your other five senses.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Ellie (#2.10)" (2001)
Warrick Brown: Acting supervisor? What about Nick? He's got seniority. Or Sara? She'd jump at the chance
Gil Grissom: If it was about seniority, I'd ask Nick. If I needed someone to stay up for three straight days, I'd ask Sara. Instead, I want you.


"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: The Execution of Catherine Willows (#3.6)" (2002)
Nick Stokes: People are pigs.
Gil Grissom: Don't insult the pigs, Nick. They're actually very clean.