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: It's a conspiracy, I tell you. The minute you start they put you on the all-American sucker list. You start out to build a home and wind up in the poorhouse. And if it can happen to me, what about the guys who aren't making $15,000 a year? The ones who want a home of their own. It's a conspiracy, I tell you - -against every boy and girl who were ever in love.
: I refuse to endanger the lives of my children in a house with less than four bathrooms. Jim Blandings
: For thirteen hundred dollars they can live in a house with three bathrooms and rough it.
: What's with this kissing all of a sudden? I don't like it. Every time he goes out of this house, he shakes my hand and kisses you. Muriel Blandings
: Would you prefer it the other way around?
: Nothing, Mary. Just a private joke between me and whoever my analyst is going to be.
: Why don't you use an electric razor? Jim Blandings
: Can't get used to them. Muriel Blandings
: Silly. Bill Cole's been using one for years. Jim Blandings
: He hasn't got my beard. Muriel Blandings
: Bill's beard is just as coarse and tough... Jim Blandings
: I am not interested in discussing the grain and texture of Bill Cole's hair follicles before I've had my breakfast.
: Ms. Stellwagon has assigned each of us to take a classified ad and write a human-interest theme about it. I found one typical of the disintegration of our present society. Jim Blandings
: I wasn't aware of the fact that our society *was* disintegrating. Betsy Blandings
: I wouldn't expect you to be, Father. Ms. Stellwagon says that middle class people like us are all too prone to overlook... Jim Blandings
: Muriel, I know this is asking a lot, but just one morning I would like to sit down and have breakfast without social significance. Muriel Blandings
: Jim, you really must take more interest in your children's education. Joan Blandings
: Can't squeeze blood from a turnip.
: You remember Bunny Funkhouser, dear, that clever young interior decorator that we met at the Collins' cocktail party. Jim Blandings
: You mean that young man with the open-toed sandals? What about him? Muriel Blandings
: Well, you know how long we've said we've got to do something about fixing up this apartment. Well, a couple of weeks ago, he called, and I asked him to come over, and he had some simply wonderful ideas, and I didn't want to bother you with sketches and estimates until I knew whether we could afford it. So I sent them over to Bill. Jim Blandings
: How much? Muriel Blandings
: What's the point in asking how much until you know what you're going to get? Jim Blandings
: I've seen Bunny Funkhouser. I *know* what I'm going to get.
: Look, here's how he sees our living room. Isn't it charming? Jim Blandings
: What's that? A shoe-shine stand? Muriel Blandings
: It's a cobbler's bench, dear. The room's Colonial. Breakfront. Hooked rug. Student's lamp. Pie Cooler. And over here is a Martha Washington desk. Jim Blandings
: And where do I keep my powdered wig?
: You're buying a piece of American history. Jim Blandings
: You don't say. How's that? Smith
: Why, first year she was built, General Gates stopped right here to water his horses. Jim Blandings
: Old General Gates, huh? Civil War. Smith
: Huh? Revolutionary War. Jim Blandings
: Oh, *that* General Gates.
: It just so happened that General... uh... Gates stopped right there at that very house to water his horses. Bill Cole
: I don't care if General Grant dropped in for a scotch and soda. You're still getting rooked. Jim Blandings
: That was a different war!
: Darling, I'm going out to the place this afternoon. Bill's driving me up to see about the landscaping. Jim Blandings
: That'll be nice... What do you mean Bill's driving you? Muriel Blandings
: Why do you always say 'what do you mean' when you know perfectly well what I mean and you mean? Jim Blandings
: I mean the moment I turn my back, Bill Cole's driving you someplace or something. Muriel Blandings
: He's only being helpful. Jim Blandings
: I thought he was a lawyer. Why isn't he out suing somebody?
: What about the windows? Simms
: I'm afraid there's been a little slip up. These windows seem to belong to a Mr. Landing in Fishkill. I spoke to him on the phone this morning. Jim Blandings
: Well, has he got mine? Simms
: No, he seems to have the windows that belong to a Mr. Blandworth in Peekskill. Jim Blandings
: Where are *my* windows? Simms
: Well, near as we can find out, they've either been sent to a Mr. Banning in Danbury, or a Mr. Bamburger in Waterbury.
: That's fine. For the rest of my life, I'll have to get up at 5 in the morning to catch the 6:15 train to get to my office at 8. It doesn't even open until 9, and I never get there until 10! Muriel Blandings
: Well, maybe if you start earlier, you can leave the office earlier. Jim Blandings
: To get home earlier, to get to bed earlier, to get up earlier, I suppose. Bill Cole
: Maybe you can get the railroad to push the train up to 4:15. Then you won't have to go to bed at all.
: So you hit a spring, a bubbling spring... right here, in our cellar.
: The children like Wham. Jim Blandings
: Well, there must be other things that we... Gussie
: Mrs. Blandings likes it, too. Jim Blandings
: Just the same... Gussie
: And I consider it very tasty!
: Mr. Zucca explained he has to use dynamite to blast to get rid of the rock. Mr. Zucca
: That's no rock. That's a ledge. Bill Cole
: What Mr. Blandings means is, what precisely is a ledge? Mr. Zucca
: A ledge is like a big stone. Only it's bigger. Jim Blandings
: Like a boulder! Mr. Zucca
: No, like a ledge.
: This little piggy went to market. A meek and as mild as a lamb. He smiled in his tracks. When they slipped him the axe. He KNEW he'd turn out to be Wham!
: [reading eviction notice
] Hmm! Well, we'll just see about that! Muriel Blandings
: What is it? What's the matter, Jim? Jim Blandings
: Mr. William Cole, please. Hello, Bill. They can't get away with this! I know my rights as a citizen. Why, this notice from the owner of this building. He wants our apartment. He's ordering us to move in thirty days. Well, that's ridiculous! How can I move into a house that isn't even finished? There are no windows, no plaster, no paint. Now you listen to me: I have no intention of moving in thirty days. This is not legal! I'm going to fight this thing and I don't care if it takes every penny I've got! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! Muriel Blandings
: Well? Jim Blandings
: We're moving in thirty days. Bill Cole
] So came thirty days, and they moved. That is, we moved.