Jesse Montgomery III
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Quotes for
Jesse Montgomery III (Character)
from Dude, Where's My Car? (2000)

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Dude, Where's My Car? (2000)
Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?
Chester: Oh ,that's my alter ego.
Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego.
Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.
Jesse: Oh yeah.

Chinese Foooood Lady: And then?
Jesse: No "and then"!
Chinese Foooood Lady: And then!

Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?
Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
Chester: Is that what that is?
Jesse: Yeah, I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
Chester: Yeah!
Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
Chester: We can?
Jesse: Yeah! And you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.
Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse: Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna go down the impound lot and get the car...
Chester: ...which has the gifts in it...
Jesse: ...and then we're gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!
Chester: Yeah! Let's do it!
Jesse: Oh, no, hold on. I gotta take a crap.
Chester: Told you.
Jesse: I know.
Chester: I know your body.

[Jeese and Chester come across an ostrich]
Jesse: Dude, it's a llama!

[Chester refuses to leave a strip club]
Jesse: Dude, this is an *emergency*!
Chester: So is this. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!

Jesse: I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!

Jesse: Dude, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?
Jesse: DUDE, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?

Jesse: Hey, have you seen my car?
Christie Boner: Well I saw it last night... I saw the backseat.
Jesse: No, I'm talking about the whole thing.

Chester: [the two have just had trash cans put over their heads] Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.
Jesse: Shibby!
Chester: [Reaches out from under the trash can] Low five.

[Jesse & Chester's answering machine message]
Jesse: Jesse...
Chester: ...and Chester are shibby at the moment.
Jesse: Please your shibby at the beep.
Jesse & Chester: Shibby.

[Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet."]
Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!
Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" But what does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "S - wee - t!" What about mine?
[later]
Chester: [angry] "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: [screaming] "Sweet!"

Jesse: Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying.
[Chester slaps him]
Jesse: Thanks, dude.

Chester: A barn?
Jesse: Is it red?
Chester: No.
Jesse: Then it's not a barn!

Chester: How wasted were we last night?
Jesse: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.

Jesse: Look, dude. It's those two totally gay Nordic dudes at 10 o'clock!

[Jesse attacked a speaker box]
Chester: Well, you didn't have to go all aggro on that speaker box, dude.
Jesse: I'm not the one who called the Dalai Lama a fag!

Jesse: I do not want to go down in history as the guy who destroyed the universe.

Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!
Chester: Can he also bong a beer?
Nelson: Nah, all he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.

Jesse: You know what we should do?
Chester: Eat?
Jesse: No.
[thinks for a moment]
Jesse: Eat!

Jesse: [after being arrested] Chester, I've seen this on Cops! Fight back!
Chester: [to a policeman] Can you turn on the siren?

Jumpsuit Chick #1: First you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner, then we give you oral pleasure.
Jesse: I've heard that one before...

Alien Nordic Dude: But the universe?
Jesse: [mocking the Nordic dude's accent] "Screw the Universe!"
Alien Nordic Dudes: Screw the universe?

Jesse: I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.

Mr. Pizzacoli: A trained dolphin could deliver pizzas better than you two!
Jesse: But then the pizzas would get all wet.

Jesse: Look, it's an elephant!
Mr. Pizzacoli: [turning around] What?
Jesse: It was just a mailman.

Zoltan: You gotta activate the...
Space Nerds: Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam!
Jesse: What?
Mr. Pizzacoli: They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL!
Chester: Hurry, activate it, dude!
[a small panel on the Transfunctioner reads "Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam"]
Chester: I think that's it, dude.
Jesse: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Jumpsuit Chick #1: If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure.
Jesse: That's us!
Chester: Right here!

Jesse: Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?
Chester: [opens cupboard] I'd say it's entirely possible.

[Jesse and Chester are looking up at the Super Hot Giant Alien]
Jesse: That is amazing!
Chester: Yeah! Those are the biggest hoo-hoos I've ever seen!

[first lines]
Jesse: What's up?
Chester: Animal Planet!
Jesse: Man, I just had the craziest dream.
Chester: About what?
Jesse: I don't remember
[chuckles]

Tania: I'm a gender-challenged male.
Jesse: [shouts] Whoa! Dude, you're a dude!

Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: And then...
[laughs nervously]
Jesse: I'm gonna come in there...
[grows livid]
Jesse: and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!'!
[pause; Jesse almost gives in]
Chinese Food Intercom: [repeatedly] And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!
[Jesse furiously smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away]
Chinese Food Intercom: [severely damaged] And then...?

[At the police station]
Jesse, Officer Rick: [go to High Five]
Jesse: [Pulls back] Sucker!
Officer Rick: Oh, whose the goose? Me!
Chester: You're such a goose!

Jesse: Stupid llamas!

Mr. Pizzacoli: [knocks on the door] Open up, you 2 slackers!
Jesse and Chester: [quietly] Mr. Pizzacoli!
Mr. Pizzacoli: You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered, and I want some answers!
Jesse and Chester: [notice the undelivered pizzas around the house] Uh-oh.
Mr. Pizzacoli: OPEN UP THIS DAMN DOOR!
Chester: It's open!
Jesse: OHHH!
[he hits Chester]

Officer Rick: Oh... Did you guys say you wanted your car back, or that you wanted it impounded?
Jesse: Uhh, we want it back
Officer Rick: Oh, yeah, see, I accidentally sent your car to the impound lot. Sorry.
Jesse & Chester: Rick!

Jesse: Hang in there, Dude.
Tortured Mannequin: [hangs in there]