Chester Greenburg
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Quotes for
Chester Greenburg (Character)
from Dude, Where's My Car? (2000)

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Dude, Where's My Car? (2000)
Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?
Chester: Oh ,that's my alter ego.
Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego.
Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.
Jesse: Oh yeah.

Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet.
Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
Chester: Is that what that is?
Jesse: Yeah, I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
Chester: Yeah!
Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
Chester: We can?
Jesse: Yeah! And you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.
Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse: Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna go down the impound lot and get the car...
Chester: ...which has the gifts in it...
Jesse: ...and then we're gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!
Chester: Yeah! Let's do it!
Jesse: Oh, no, hold on. I gotta take a crap.
Chester: Told you.
Jesse: I know.
Chester: I know your body.

[Chester refuses to leave a strip club]
Jesse: Dude, this is an *emergency*!
Chester: So is this, dude. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!

[repeated line]
Jesse: Dude, where's my car?
[repeated line]
Chester: Where's your car, dude?

Chester: [the two have just had trash cans put over their heads] Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.
Jesse: Shibby!
Chester: [Reaches out from under the trash can] Low five.

[Jesse & Chester's answering machine message]
Jesse: Jesse...
Chester: ...and Chester are shibby at the moment.
Jesse: Please your shibby at the beep.
Jesse & Chester: Shibby.

[Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet."]
Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!
Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" But what does mine say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: "S - wee - t!" What about mine?
[later]
Chester: [angry] "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: [screaming] "Sweet!"

[about the hot chicks]
Chester: Those double-crossing, sexy-sexy sluts!
[starts crying]

Chester: A barn?
Jesse: Is it red?
Chester: No.
Jesse: Then it's not a barn!

Chester: How wasted were we last night?
Jesse: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.

[Jesse attacked a speaker box]
Chester: Well, you didn't have to go all aggro on that speaker box, dude.
Jesse: I'm not the one who called the Dalai Lama a fag!

Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!
Chester: Can he also bong a beer?
Nelson: Nah, all he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.

Jesse: You know what we should do?
Chester: Eat?
Jesse: No.
[thinks for a moment]
Jesse: Eat!

Chester: [to Jesse] It's Mrs. Crabbleman! Maybe she'll give us a ride. Mrs. Crabbleman! Mrs. Crabbleman!
[runs into the middle of the street]
Chester: Mrs. Crabblman!
Mrs. Crabbleman: [see's Chester]
Chester: Mrs. Crabbleman!
Mrs. Crabbleman: [purposefully swerves to hit Chester with her car] Fuckin' stoners.

Jesse: [after being arrested] Chester, I've seen this on Cops! Fight back!
Chester: [to a policeman] Can you turn on the siren?

[a plastic doll has just taken a lot of punishment]
Chester: Hang in there buddy!

Chester: Look, a unicorn!
[Mr. Pizzacoli looks]
Mr. Pizzacoli: A unicorn?
Chester: Sorry, I guess it was just a regular horse.

Zoltan: You gotta activate the...
Space Nerds: Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam!
Jesse: What?
Mr. Pizzacoli: They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL!
Chester: Hurry, activate it, dude!
[a small panel on the Transfunctioner reads "Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam"]
Chester: I think that's it, dude.
Jesse: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Jumpsuit Chick #1: If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure.
Jesse: That's us!
Chester: Right here!

Jesse: Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?
Chester: [opens cupboard] I'd say it's entirely possible.

[Jesse and Chester are looking up at the Super Hot Giant Alien]
Jesse: That is amazing!
Chester: Yeah! Those are the biggest hoo-hoos I've ever seen!

[first lines]
Jesse: What's up?
Chester: Animal Planet!
Jesse: Man, I just had the craziest dream.
Chester: About what?
Jesse: I don't remember.
[chuckles]

[At the police station]
Jesse, Officer Rick: [go to High Five]
Jesse: [Pulls back] Sucker!
Officer Rick: Oh, whose the goose? Me!
Chester: You're such a goose!

Mr. Pizzacoli: [knocks on the door] Open up, you 2 slackers!
Jesse and Chester: [quietly] Mr. Pizzacoli!
Mr. Pizzacoli: You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered, and I want some answers!
Jesse and Chester: [notice the undelivered pizzas around the house] Uh-oh.
Mr. Pizzacoli: OPEN UP THIS DAMN DOOR!
Chester: It's open!
Jesse: OHHH!
[he hits Chester]

Chester: The full grown male african ostrich or the latin "struthio camelus" can go to an average size of sixty six inches... and weight anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds that can get up to... well an average speed of... 27 miles per hour.

Chester: Morphing is cool!