Max Bialystock
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Quotes for
Max Bialystock (Character)
from The Producers (1967)

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The Producers (2005)
Leo Bloom: We might have a position for you.
Max Bialystock: As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.

Max Bialystock: There's more to you than there is to you.
[Max turns away, silently mouthing "What the fu..."]

Max Bialystock: We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?

Max Bialystock: How did it begin? He walked into my office with his cockamamy scheme! You can make more money with a flop than with a hit! We can do it. We can do it. I can't do it. We can do it. I can't do it. Good-bye Max! Oh Lord I want that money! I'm back Max! Come on Leo we can do it! Step 1: Find the Play! See it, Smell it, Touch it, Kiss it! Hello Mr. Liebkind! Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Adolf Elizabeth Hitler? Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Step 2: Hire the Director Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it Two-three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn! Ulla! Oooh wah weee wah wah wow wowie! Step 3: Raise the Money! Along Came Bialy! Step 4: Hire all the actors! A wandering minstrel I, A thing of shreds and... Next! The little wooden boy. Next! That's our Hitler! Break a leg! I broke my leg! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- A surprise smash! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- It'll run for years! Where did we go right? Where did we go right? Gimme those books Fat, fat, fatty! Gimme those books! Fat, fat, fatty! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Lousy fruit- Kill the actors You ever eat with one? Then you ran to Rio And you're safely out of reach, I'm behind these bars you're banging Ulla on the beach! Just like Julius Caesar was betrayed by Brutus, Who'd think an accountant would turn out to be my Judas! I'm so dismayed, is this how I'm repaid? To be... Betrayed! BETRAYED!

Leo Bloom: So what time can you get here?
Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: ...Eleven.
Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max Bialystock: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla: God dag min vannina!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: God dag min vannina... ninna...
Ulla: God bless America!
[Ulla leaves]
Max Bialystock: God bless Sweden!

Leo Bloom: Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Ja. Not many people know this, but the fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens.
Max Bialystock: [after a long pause] Is that right?

Franz Liebkind: [making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me.
[they do]
Franz Liebkind: I solemnly svear...
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [holding up their forefingers] I solemnly svear...
Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Franz Liebkind: Und!
Max Bialystock: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Leo Bloom: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Franz Liebkind: [wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never
Franz Liebkind: Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolph Elizabeth Hitler
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: Dishonor the spirit und ze... Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
[long pause]
Max Bialystock: Is that right?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: [shrugging] Adolph ELIZABETH Hitler.

[Max is recollecting his life while in a jail cell; he imgaines his momma calling him]
Max Bialystock: Wait a minute, my name's not 'Alvin'... Someone *else's* life is flashing before my eyes. *What the hell is that about?* I'm not a hillybilly... I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything... even my past!

Leo Bloom: FAT! FAT!
Max Bialystock: I'm not that fat!
Leo Bloom: FAT! Fat! Fatty! Fatso! You fat fat fatty fat walrus! Gimme the FAT BOOKS!

Leo Bloom: Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

Leo Bloom: Mr. Bialystock... I'M BACK!
Max Bialystock: [to God] You are good.

Max Bialystock: Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...
[searches for picture]
Max Bialystock: Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!

Max Bialystock: [after seeing Franz perform at the auditions] THAT'S OUR HITLER!

[as Max is sentenced for fraud]
Hold-Me Touch-Me: Hold me! Touch me!
Max Bialystock: ...I'm a little busy.

Hold-Me Touch-Me: I made it out just like you told me to: To the title of the play. "Cash". It's a funny sort of name for a play, "Cash"...
Max Bialystock: So is "The Iceman Cometh"

Max Bialystock: That's it, baby! When you got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: We can do it! We can do it!
Max Bialystock: Every show I touch I doom!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!

Max Bialystock: [with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country...
[normal voice]
Max Bialystock: Taxi!

Leo Bloom: I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.
Max Bialystock: "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.

Max Bialystock: Listen Roger, I know we sent it to you only this morning, but did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE! I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max Bialystock: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please... World War II? Oooh... too dark, too depressing.
[Music starts]
Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more...
Roger De Bris: What's the word?
Leo Bloom: Gay?
Roger De Bris: Exactly!

Max Bialystock: I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!

Ulla: [nervously] Okey-dokey... you like it?
Max Bialystock: Lik-, like it? I want you to know, my dear, that even though we are sitting down, we are giving you a *standing ovation*.
[Leo and Max both cross legs uncomfortably]

Ulla: My name is Ulla Inka Hanson Benson Yanson Tallen Hallen Swadon Swanson.
Max Bialystock: What is your first name?
Ulla: Oh that was my first name. Would you like to hear my last name?
Max Bialystock: We don't have the time.

Max Bialystock: Settle down, you teutonic TWIT!

Franz Liebkind: Ze penalty for braking ze Siegfried Oath is DESS!
Max Bialystock: Dess? Is that anything like death?
Franz Liebkind: YETH!

Hold Me-Touch Me: I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy.
Max Bialystock: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Hold Me-Touch Me: Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
[Hold me-Touch me grabs an umbrella and mimcks carrying milk]
Hold Me-Touch Me: Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
Max Bialystock: Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!

Max Bialystock: Whatta ya say, Bloom?
Leo Bloom: [sung] What do I say? / Finally a chance to be a broadway producer! / What do I say? / Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! / What do I say? What do I say? / Here's what I say to you, sir...
Leo Bloom: [sung] I can't do it!

Carmen Ghia: [answering the door at Roger's house] Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?
Max Bialystock: I...
Carmen Ghia: ...sss!

Max Bialystock: We got the wrong play. We got the wrong director. We got the wrong actors. Where did we go right?

Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer was a terrific dancer.
Max Bialystock: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo Bloom: No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!
Franz Liebkind: With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

Max Bialystock: [patting Franz comfortingly] There, there.
Franz Liebkind: Where? Where?

Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

Max Bialystock: I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.

Max Bialystock: Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!

Max Bialystock: Do you know who I am?
Leo Bloom: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max Bialystock: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!

Leo Bloom: I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!
Max Bialystock: [slaps him]
Leo Bloom: I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical!

Max Bialystock: Dear Lord... I want that money!

Max Bialystock: [holding play] Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother lode...

Max Bialystock: Franz Liebkind?
Franz Liebkind: I was not a member of the Nazi party!

Franz Liebkind: Nein.
Max Bialystock: Nein?
Franz Liebkind: No.
Max Bialystock: That's what nein means.

Max Bialystock: [about Franz's hop-clop] It's sort of a Nazi Hoedown.

Carmen Ghia: He's having a stroke!
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: What?
Carmen Ghia: Of Genius!

Max Bialystock: [after hearing Ulla's huge name] What's your first name?
Ulla: That was my first name. You wanna hear my last name?
Max Bialystock: Sorry. We don't have time.

Ulla: Would you like Ulla make audition?
Leo Bloom: That won't be nece...
Max Bialystock: Yes, it is nece! Extremely nece!

Max Bialystock: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo Bloom: And two?
Max Bialystock: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!

Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock, Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: Break a leg!
Max Bialystock: Franz, what happened?
Franz Liebkind: I broke my leg!

Max Bialystock: Always moving your lips along with the actors.
Roger De Bris: [mouthing along with him] Always moving your lips along with the actors.

Max Bialystock: [to a prisoner in Sing Sing] What are you in for, lack of rhythm?

Roger De Bris: Oh and Max darling we LOVED Funny Boy, didn't we Carmen?
Carmen Ghia: Oh WORSHIPPED it! Uh... To be or not to be...
Roger De Bris: You mean a lot to me!
Roger De Bris: Show stoppah!
Carmen Ghia: FABULOUS!
Max Bialystock: ...Right.

[preparing to perform "The Guten Tag Hop-Clop"]
Franz Liebkind: First, you must roll up your pants.
Max Bialystock: Okay.
[He and Leo begin to roll up their pant legs]
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Come on, don't be stingy! Show some LEG!

Leo Bloom: Ooh, Ohh how I hate you!
Max Bialystock: Double, DOUBLE!

Max Bialystock: Why you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar! Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings, and flap your way to glory?
Leo Bloom: No!

Max Bialystock: Don't you see Bloom? You're like... you're like a fountain!
Leo Bloom: I'm a fountain?
Max Bialystock: [yelling] YES YOU'RE A FOUNTAIN!

Max Bialystock: So, you're an accountant?
Leo Bloom: Yes, sir, I am, sir.
Max Bialystock: Then account for yourself!

Leo Bloom: Let's assume for a moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Bialystock: Assume away.

[an outtake]
Max Bialystock: You okay?
Leo Bloom: Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.
Max Bialystock: [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-
[undertones to the bust]
Max Bialystock: This man should be in a straitjacket.
Max Bialystock: What?
Max Bialystock: Don't argue with me, you piece of-!
[he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]
Max Bialystock: Feeling better?
Leo Bloom: [suppressing laughter] Yes.
Max Bialystock: Good. That makes three of us.

[from deleted scene]
Max Bialystock: Did you bring the checkie?
Hold Me-Touch Me: Yes, but first, lets play one, dirty little game.
Max Bialystock: Here in broad daylight. All right what do you want to play?
Hold Me-Touch Me: Lets play the hairless chihuahua and the well hung Great Dane!

Roger De Bris: Mrs. Bialystock and Bloom I pressume? Ha! Forgive the pun!
Leo Bloom: What pun?
Max Bialystock: Shut up! He thinks he's witty!

Ulla: Remember ven Ulla Dance?
Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: Ja.
Ulla: Ulla dance again!
Max Bialystock: ULLA DANCE AGAIN!

Hold Me-Touch Me: You know what I'd really like?
Max Bialystock: [turning to the hot dog vendor] She'll have the foot long

Max Bialystock: Hey... kid! Hey! Yoo-hoo? Look at this...
[steps over Leo]
Max Bialystock: How can I help you?
Leo Bloom: [Screams] AAAHH!
Max Bialystock: What's wrong?
Leo Bloom: You're gonna jump on me!
Max Bialystock: What?
Leo Bloom: You're gonne jump on me!
Max Bialystock: No!
Leo Bloom: I know you're gonna jump on me...
Max Bialystock: No! Calm down...
Leo Bloom: ...And squash me like a bug!
Max Bialystock: Oh God.
Leo Bloom: Please don't jump on me!
Max Bialystock: I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!
Leo Bloom: [Screams again] AAAAAHHH!

Max Bialystock: [reading through scripts] Wait, here's one: "One morning Gregor Samsa awoke to discover he had been transformed into a giant cockroach!"...
Max Bialystock: Nah, too good.

Carmen Ghia: May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?
Max Bialystock: Oh, these?
[Max and Leo take off their Swastika armbands and hand them to Carmen]
Max Bialystock: [laughs nervously] We just came from this big rally. Everyone was wearing one!

[Roger De Bris enters the room]
Leo Bloom: Max... He's wearing a dress!
Max Bialystock: No kidding!

[Max and Leo see Franz feeding his pigeons]
Max Bialystock: Just a hunch... but I'm guessing that's our man.
Leo Bloom: Oh, Max! He's wearing a German helmet. And leiderhosen!
Max Bialystock: I know, I know! Just don't notice! Don't notice anything!

Max Bialystock: Franz Liebkind?
[Franz slams his back against the pigeon roost]
Franz Liebkind: [yells] I vaz never a member of the Nazi party! I had nossing to do vith the var! I didn't even know there vas a var on! Vee lived in zee back... near Svitzerland! All vee ever heard vas yodeling!

[repeated line]
Leo Bloom: Max... we never should've started this! I think we're getting in too deep!
Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing! I'll tell ya when we're getting in too deep!

Hold-Me Touch-Me: [in court where Max is the defendant] Hold me. Touch me.
Max Bialystock: I'm a little busy.

Max Bialystock: [when Franz is threatening them with his gun]
[to Leo]
Max Bialystock: Remember when I told you I'd tell you when we were in too deep?
Leo Bloom: Yeah...
Max Bialystock: We're in too deep.

Leo Bloom: Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've never felt this way before. It's like a volcano erupting inside of me... like hot lava rising higher and higher and - What is that, Max? What is it?
Max Bialystock: It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.

Max Bialystock: [to Leo, after seeing the audience's negative reaction to "Springtime for Hitler"] Come on, let's get out of here before they kill us.

The Producers (1967)
Roger De Bris: Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun!
Leo Bloom: [to Max] What pun?
Max Bialystock: Shut up, he thinks he's witty.

Ulla: Goddag på dig!
Leo Bloom: Uh, I beg your pardon?
Ulla: Goddag på dig!
Leo Bloom: Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?
Max Bialystock: They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"

Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

[Searching for the sure-fire flop]
Max Bialystock: "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, it's too good.

Max Bialystock: Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

Max Bialystock: Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.

Max Bialystock: Thank you, I knew I could con you.

Leo Bloom: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Bialystock: Assume away.

Max Bialystock: That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

Max Bialystock: You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!

Max Bialystock: You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!

Max Bialystock: Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!

Concierge: Who d'ya want?
Leo Bloom: I beg your pardon?
Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".
Max Bialystock: We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Concierge: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Max Bialystock: Thank you...
Concierge: ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?
Leo Bloom: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.
Concierge: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!

Max Bialystock: Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
Leo Bloom: [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.
Max Bialystock: No kidding.
Roger De Bris: Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Giya: And we always win!
Roger De Bris: I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Leo Bloom: ...Where do you keep your wallet?

Max Bialystock: Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!

Max Bialystock: This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!

[Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme]
Leo Bloom: Oh my God!
Max Bialystock: You mean "oops," don't you? Just say "oops" and get out!
Leo Bloom: ''stammering'' Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a
Max Bialystock: Not "Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a" Oops!
Leo Bloom: Oops!
[slams the door]

Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

Max Bialystock: Here's to failure
Leo Bloom: ...To failure
Drunk: Why, thank you! You're very kind!

Hold me, Touch me: Hold me! Touch me!
Max Bialystock: [pulling her into his office] Not in the hall!

Max Bialystock: Ulla! Go get car!
Ulla: Ja, ja! We go to motel?
Max Bialystock: No. I go with Mr. Bloom.
Ulla: You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?
Max Bialystock: No! Get car!
Ulla: Get car!

Max Bialystock: Leo, he who hesitates is poor!

Max Bialystock: Money is honey! Money is honey!

[last lines]
Max Bialystock: Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!

Max Bialystock: Who are you and why are you loitering in my hallway?
Leo Bloom: [is silent]
Max Bialystock: Well? Speak dummy! Speak!
Leo Bloom: [gapsing] ... can't... scared...

Max Bialystock: [smiling at Leo to calm him down] Well you know what they say, 'smile and the world smiles with you'
[looks at audience]
Max Bialystock: this man should be in a straight-jacket

Drunk: Eternally grateful... A TOAST!
Max Bialystock: A TOAST!
Leo Bloom: A TOAST... to what?
Drunk: To... to toast, I love toast.
Max Bialystock: To toast.
Leo Bloom: To toast.

Hold me, Touch me: Oh, hold me! Touch me!
Max Bialystock: Thursday! Thursday!

Hold me, Touch me: And after that, we'll play, "The Abduction and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia", and I'll be Lucretia.
Max Bialystock: And I'll be Rape!

Hold me, Touch me: I heard the Count fired you this morning - watch the road, watch the road.
Max Bialystock: [stops making car noises] Oh, Countess, I can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad!
[continues making car noises]
Hold me, Touch me: Oh, Rudolpho, you dirty pig!
Hold me, Touch me: Pull over.

The landlord: He who signs a lease must pay rent. That's the law.
Max Bialystock: You miserable wretch! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
The landlord: I have to. I'm a landlord.
Max Bialystock: [to God] Oh, Lord, hear my plea; destroy him! He maketh a blight on the land!
The landlord: [also to God] Don't listen to him; he's crazy.

Max Bialystock: [reading post-show telegrams] "Congratulations! Hitler will run forever."

Max Bialystock: Listen. Every night people are laughing at your beloved Fuhrer. Why?
Franz Liebkind: It's that L.S.D., und his verdampter "babies"!

Ulla: [Sees Max and Leo and takes off dress] We make love?
Max Bialystock: No, we don't make love. Go to work.
[Ulla starts dancing to music on record player]

Max Bialystock: Have I ever steered you wrong?
Franz Liebkind: Always.
Max Bialystock: Never mind.

Hold me, Touch me: Oh Bialy, Bialy, darling, did I hurt you?
Max Bialystock: It's only a flesh wound, lambchop.

Leo Bloom: Hysterical attacks have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar.
Max Bialystock: They certainly do... they certainly do!

Max Bialystock: Don't you see, darling Bloom, glorious Bloom? It's so simple. STEP ONE: We find the worst play ever written, a surefire flop. STEP TWO: I raise a million bucks. Lots of little old ladies out there. STEP THREE: You go back to work on the books, two of them - one for the government, one for us. You can do it, Bloom; you're a wizard! STEP FOUR: We open on Broadway. And before you can say STEP FIVE, we *close* on Broadway! STEP SIX: We take our million bucks and fly to *Rio!*

Max Bialystock: [on "Springtime For Hitler"] ... It's practically a love-letter to Hitler!
Leo Bloom: Wow. This play wouldn't run a NIGHT!
Max Bialystock: A night? Are you kidding? This play's guaranteed to close on PAGE FOUR!

Max Bialystock: What did it get me? I'm wearing a cardboard belt.

Leo Bloom: Do you think he'll take the job?
Max Bialystock: ONLY if we ask him.