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: ...The universe tends to unfold as it should. Kumar
: What is that? Some fortune cookie?
: [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail
] Rold? Is that you? Harold
: Kumar? Kumar
: Hey, are the cops still here?
[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park
: What the hell are you doing? Kumar
: I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park. Harold
: Jesus Christ! What'd you do that for? Kumar
: I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.
] Hey, what's that smell? Harold
: What smell? Kumar... Kumar
: [starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen
: Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you...
[Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana
: Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!
: I want that. Kumar
: What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog? Harold
: No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling! Kumar
: Are you saying what I think you're saying? Harold
: We gotta go to White Castle. Kumar
: YES! YES! I knew you had it in you dude!
: Dude, where's my car? Kumar
: Where's his car, dude?
: Did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?
: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car? Neil Patrick Harris
: Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick. Neil Patrick Harris
: [looks down to count money
] Here's 50 for the meal, and 200 for the car. Harold
: What happened to my car? Neil Patrick Harris
: I made some love stains in the back. You'll see...
] How is that not the worse news? Kumar
] The laptop situation really only affects you, whereas the White Castle situation affects us both equally.
: I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like. Harold
: C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure. Kumar
: Just say no. That's all it takes. Kumar
[hands Harold the joint
: Take a hit of that.
: Dude, we're so high right now! Kumar
: We're not low!
: Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot. Harold
: Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype. Kumar
: Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
[2 guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons
: Holy shit!
[assailants stop beating up 2 guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the 2 men lay on the ground moaning
: Let's get the fuck outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive! Kumar
: Yeah, that was your fault. Harold
: Fuck you. Kumar
: Fuck you.
Burger Shack Employee
: Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... just makes me want to burn this motherfucker down. Come on, Pookie, let's burn this motherfucker down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle. Kumar
: You can always get your work done in the car. Harold
: Let's do it. Kumar
: All right. Awesome. Then listen, listen - no matter what, we are not ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs. Agreed? Harold
[shakes Kumar's hand then gives him pound
] Burger Shack Employee
: Wise choice. You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
[Harold and Kumar show disgusted look, employee then bursts out laughing
] Semen. Burger Shack Employee
: Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible
: [to Maria in elevator, after seeing luggage at her feet
] Sure got a lotta baggage.
: Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on, man. Kumar
: And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this apartment goes to... Harold Lee! Come on down, man! Take a bow! Harold
: Shut up, man. It's a classic.
: So what are you in here for? Tarik
: For being black. Harold
: Seriously. Tarik
: I am serious. You wanna know what happened? I was walking out of a Barnes & Noble, and a cop stops me. Now evidently, a black guy robbed a store in Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So he starts beating me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest. Harold
: Holy shit! What'd you do? Tarik
: I kept saying, "I understand I'm under arrest. Now please stop beating me." Harold
: I'm sorry, I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this. Tarik
: Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
: [about to ride cheetah
] This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried.
: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you? Neil Patrick Harris
: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since. Kumar
: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked. Neil Patrick Harris
: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy! Harold
: Huh? Neil Patrick Harris
: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle. Kumar
: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night. Neil Patrick Harris
: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.
] Neil Patrick Harris
: Lapdance... Kumar
] There's a gas station. I'm gonaa see if I can get some directions. Neil Patrick Harris
: You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
[they park, pause
] Neil Patrick Harris
: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry... Kumar
: Look, chill. Harold
: We'll be right back, Neil.
[they exit the car
: Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?
: [riding a cheetah
] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working? Kumar
: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching The Gift. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie. Harold
: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits? Rosenberg
: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her boobs. Goldstein
: Oh man, the things I would eat out of her ass... you have no idea! Rosenberg
: Ugh! That is a completely disgusting and vulgar statement. Goldstein
: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true. Rosenberg
: [shrugs; beat
: I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes. Kumar
: I want the same except make mine diet cokes.
: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man. Kumar
: Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.
: Back off cockboy, what I said him goes double for you. J.D.
: Cockboy, you just call me cockboy? Harold
: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling cuz you're not quick enough to think of a comeback. J.D.
: You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough!... Cockboy!
: I forgot my cell phone. Harold
: You wanna run back and get it?
[both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them
: No, we've gone too far.
: What the hell are you doing with my wife? Harold
: Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her! Kumar
: Shit! Shit! Freakshow
: I most certainly did not! Harold
: Yes you did! Freakshow
: Did not! Kumar
: Yes you did! Freakshow
: Oh, no, I didn't. Kumar
: You did, you did. Freakshow
: You sure...? Harold
: You said it! Freakshow
] My mistake! Well, since we're all here... How 'bout a four-some?
: [awakening from dream after being hit on head
] What the hell are you doing? Gawd! Kumar
: You been out cold for the past half an hour. I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up. Harold
: If you did some gay shit? What kinda - where are we? Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah? Kumar
: It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?
: [licking Harold's face
: Ah! AH! What the hell are you doing? Kumar
: You've been out cold for the past half hour, I figured if I did some gay shit you'd wake up.
: [whispering to Harold
] Check out those boils on his neck! You gotta look! One of them is actually pulsating! Harold
] Will you shut up? He's right next to me! He can hear you! Kumar
] Ugh! Now there's some sort of Puss! Just look! Harold
: [Harold looks at Freakshow's neck
] See? Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever seen? Harold
] You think that just because you're whispering he can't hear what you are saying? He's two feet away from us! He can hear this entire conversation! He can hear me talking... right now! Kumar
] Don't worry about it, he can't hear anything. Not with all that crust in his ear.
: I heard everything you said.
: [after Kumar's rude intervention
] I apologize for my friend here, we had a really tough night. I'm really glad you're here. You ever heard of the show, Doogie Houser, MD? Officer Palumbo
: Yeah, I know the show. God, I love that show! Doogie. Ha. Harold
: Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight. Officer Palumbo
: [Points his pen at Harold
] Hey! NPH wouldn't do that, all right? Now let me see some I.D.
: Are those my scissors? Dude, I trim my nose hair with those! Kumar
: Dude, I've been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.
: Is there... is there a problem, Officer... Palumbo? Officer Palumbo
: Is there a problem? Have you heard of jaywalking? Harold
: Yes, I have. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again. Officer Palumbo
: That's great. I'm writing you up a ticket. Kumar
: A ticket? Are you serious? Officer Palumbo
: Who the fuck are you, shitwad?
: Hey Roldy? Harold
: What? Kumar
: There's something I forgot to tell you. Harold
: What? Kumar
: I never hang-glided before. Harold
: Harold: Thanks, for helping us out. Freakshow
: [Long Pause
: ...Oh no problem at all, I seen you two stranded out there. Alone. In the darkness. Freakshow
: [Under his breath. While staring at Harold
] I said to myself. Freakshow
: [Short Pause
: What would Jesus do? Freakshow
: [Takes hands off the steering wheel and starts clapping and singing
: Goin' down to Georgia, gonna get myself baptised, gonna get myself baptised In the puddle of the looooooorrd.
: [notices the ticket fee
] $220? Are you crazy? Excuse me, Officer sir! Let me just take a few guesses here! Harold
: [stands in front of Kumar, pleading to the officer
] I'm really sorry for this... Officer Palumbo
: No sudden movements! Back it up! Kumar
: You were probably the big asshole in high school, right? Officer Palumbo
: Absolutely right. Kumar
: And you used to pick on guys like us everyday for fun? Officer Palumbo
: With pleasure. Kumar
: But then graduation day came! We went to college, while you went nowhere. And then you began to think to yourself, "Gee. How can I still give them grief? Oh, I know, I'll just become a cop." Yeah? Well, congratulations! Your dream has come true! Now, why don't you just take this quiet little Asian guy with the American name that treats you so well and give him some more tickets or better just take him to jail. Officer Palumbo
: Even better.
] Officer Palumbo
: You're going downtown thanks to your friend here. Kumar
: [to Harold, mockingly
] Oh, great American name, Harold! Harold
: [lunges his fist toward Kumar, but misses and strikes Officer Palumbo in the face
] Yaaah! Officer Palumbo
[spits his gum out, angrily
: [placed in jail with a blank expression on his face
] Oh, shoot.
: So what are you in for? Tarik
: For being Black. Harold
: Seriously. Tarik
: I am being serious. You wanna know what happened? I was walking out of a Barnes & Nobles, and a cop stops me. Evidently, a Black guy robbed a store in Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So, he starts beating with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest. Harold
: Holy shit! What did you do? Tarik
: I said, " I understand that I am under arrest. Now please stop beating me." Harold
: I don't understand how you can be so calm about this. Tarik
: Look at me. I'm fat, Black, can't dance and have tow gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense in getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus, I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
: In less than eight hours we're gonna be in Amsterdam. This is nuts. This is nuts! Kumar Patel
: I know, dude. It's gonna be exactly like Eurotrip only it's not going to suck. It's going to be awesome. Harold Lee
: It's not not going to be awesome.
: I'm Big Bob. You boys ready for your cockmeat sandwich? Harold Lee
: Uh, no. Big Bob
: Well you better get hungry real fast... because I've got a whole lotta sandwich waiting for you!
Neil Patrick Harris
: Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her. I said... "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up." Kumar Patel
: Why did you do that? Neil Patrick Harris
: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. It was such a big mistake. Kumar Patel
: Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone, couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted? Neil Patrick Harris
: Let me be clear. There is nothing on the planet that I love more than a hot, new pussy. Kumar Patel
: Sure. Neil Patrick Harris
: Nothing. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H? Harold Lee
: Patrick Harris. Neil Patrick Harris
: No, common mistake. Poon handler.
: After all the shit we've been through, I don't... I don't know if we can trust our government anymore. George W. Bush
: Trust the government? Heck, I'm in the government and I don't even trust it. You don't have to believe in your government to be a good American. You just have to believe in your country.
: I've never had to suck a dick before. Harold Lee
: Me neither. Kumar Patel
: I bet it sucks dick!
: Can we have the right to make a phone call? Ron Fox
: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. You want rights now. You want freedoms. Right now. Is it time? Is it freedom o'clock?
] Kumar Patel
: [taking a dump
] Oh God, dude! Harold Lee
: [in shower
] What the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing? Kumar Patel
: I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man. Harold Lee
: You couldn't wait until I got out of the shower? Kumar Patel
: Um, may I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers and 4 large orders of fries?
[continues to take a dump
] Kumar Patel
: Don't worry, in a little bit I'm sure it'll hit you too. Harold Lee
: Maybe, but I'm going to wait until you get out of the shower! Kumar Patel
: Well don't wait too long. We gotta leave for the airport in an hour. Harold Lee
: An hour? Kumar Patel
: Uh-huh. Oh, hey, Roldy? Harold Lee
: Yeah? Kumar Patel
: Nice pubes.
Light-Skinned Black Security
: [after Kumar walks through metal detector
] Sir, I need you to step aside please. I need to search you. Kumar Patel
: Did I beep? Light-Skinned Black Security
: Oh no, you didn't beep. Just a random security check. If you can just step aside, please. Just over here. Kumar Patel
: [stepping aside
] Random, huh? Light-Skinned Black Security
: Yeah. Kumar Patel
: So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity? Harold Lee
: Come on, just do what the guy says. Light-Skinned Black Security
: Sir, it's our job as airport security to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs. Kumar Patel
: So just because of the color of my skin you assume that I have drugs on me? Are you a racist? Light-Skinned Black Security
: Racist? Dude, I'm black! Harold Lee
: He's black! He's not racist! Kumar Patel
] Please, dude. You're barely even brown. Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry. Harold Lee
: No...! Light-Skinned Black Security
: Hey, who you callin' Matthew Perry, bitch? Kumar Patel
: I'm calling you Matthew Perry, you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!
: Why does everything has to be a huge argument with you, man? Kumar Patel
: Because this is America, dude, and as long as I have my freedom of speech no one's going to shut me up.
: Yo, I'm not joining the mile high club with you! Kumar Patel
: [pulling out weed from pants
] What about the really high club?
: Harold Lee, I'd like to introduce you to an invention of mine.
[holds up bong
] Kumar Patel
: Meet the smokeless bong. Harold Lee
: You made this? Kumar Patel
: You know I did. When you were slaving away at work, I was actually being a productive member of society.
: Please, sir. This is all a big mistake.
[referring to Kumar
] Harold Lee
: My idiot friend here brought marijuana on the plane. Ron Fox
: Zip it, Hello Kitty! We know your operation's funded by drugs!
: Are all the guards in Guantanamo Bay gay? Big Bob
: Fuck no! There ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked! You're the ones that're gay for sucking my dick! Kumar Patel
: What? Big Bob
: In fact, it creeps me out just being around you fags! Alright, get down on your knees and open your mouths. Harold Lee
: Why don't you kick our asses instead? Big Bob
: GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES NOW!
] Big Bob
: Hope you boys like extra mayo.
: [while running through jungle with Kumar
] Watch out for cheetahs! This is cheetah turf!
: What's up with this party? Raza
: What do you mean? Harold Lee
: There's exposed vagina all over your house. Raza
: Oh, yeah, that was my idea. I don't know about you guys - I'm sick of all the hype over topless. Harold Lee
: Really? I always liked topless. Raza
: Yeah, well I'm starting the bottomless trend! Hence the bottomless party.
: Hey, you don't happen to have a Baby Ruth on you, do you? Harold Lee
: No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth? Kumar Patel
: That's how Chunk got over with Sloth in The Goonies. Harold Lee
: This thing looks like Sloth? Kumar Patel
: All I saw was the creature's hand. Harold Lee
: The hand looks like Sloth? Kumar Patel
: The fucking hand of an evil monster, dude. Like claws and shit!
: Is that a KKK bonfire? Kumar Patel
: Yeah, I think it is. Harold Lee
: Maybe we should get the fuck out of here.
: Thanks for stopping. Neil Patrick Harris
: [turning around
] No problem. Harold Lee
: Neil? Neil Patrick Harris
: Gary and Kumar!
: Can you focus on the driving? Focus on the road. You've had dozens of shrooms, my friend. Neil Patrick Harris
: Uh, dude, I was able to perform an apendectomy at age 14. I think I can handle a couple of mushrooms. Kumar Patel
: Wasn't that just the TV show?
: [after getting through checkpoint
] Holy fucking shit that was awesome! Neil Patrick Harris
: Try having that conversation on shrooms. I deserve an Oscar for that performance! Harold Lee
: You do! Neil Patrick Harris
: Dudes, I'm going to take a little detour on the way, alright? Harold Lee
: No, Neil, no. We're almost there, man. Neil Patrick Harris
: No buts! No buts! I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on! If you two don't want to get your dicks wet, that's fine with me!
: We gotta get Neil! Kumar Patel
: Why? Harold Lee
: We're stealing his car! We can't leave him back there! Kumar Patel
: He stole your fucking car last week!
: I fucked up, okay? And I always fuck up. I am a fuck up! Harold Lee
: You think? Kumar Patel
: Harold, you're my best friend, dude. You mean the world to me, man. I love you. Lt. Derek Davis
] Queers. Kumar Patel
: And I promise you if we figure out a way to get out of this, I'm gonna change, okay? It's not just going to be about Kumar all the time. It's going to be about Kumar and Harold. Harold Lee
: Harold and Kumar. Kumar Patel
: I kind of like the first way better.
: If you like weed so much, why don't you just legalize it? George W. Bush
: Are you fucking kidding me? You know how pissed off my dad would get if I did that?
] Kumar Patel
: Ladies and Roldy, how would you like to get really fucking high since we're in Amsterdam? Vanessa
: Yeah. Harold Lee
: Shall we? Maria
: Sounds like a plan. Kumar Patel
, Harold Lee
: Let's do it!
: [at a KKK bonfire
] You guys wanna hear something fucked up and awesome? I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick! Harold Lee
: [whispering to Kumar
] You did that?
: [while Harold and Kumar are parachuting
] Kumar... our dicks are touching, aren't they?
: Quiet, Anus.
: It's because of assholes like you that we're even in this fucking place - fucking cowards! Terrorist #1
: Well maybe if the people in your country stopped eating *doughnuts* and started realizing what their government is doing to the world, "assholes" like us wouldn't exist! Kumar Patel
: Fuck you! Doughnuts are awesome!
: This car is frickin' sweet! Harold Lee
: Oh yeah! Yeah, it's sweet! 'Cuz we're fugitives. Driving a yellow convertible with the top down, dressed like assholes!
[at the Klan bonfire
] Harold Lee
: I did knee an Indian guy in the balls.
[uproarius laughter from the Klan
: Send those Indians back to Africa.
: Hey, I ran into Todd at Whitaker's, of course. He told me, uh, you got a job working for the government! Colton
: Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dad were in the same fraternity! Kumar Patel
: [under his breath
] Oh, sheesh. Colton
: When he gave my dad that appointment in the Defense Department, I became his right hand man. Kumar Patel
: Koreans have killed his mother and now his tree. Christmas is ruined.
: You still haven't explained the gay thing. Kumar
: You're not gay, motherfucker! Harold
: At all. Neil Patrick Harris
: Yeah that's something us magicians like to call misdirection. Just a little something I picked up from my man, Clay Aiken. Kumar
: What? Clay Aiken's not gay? Neil Patrick Harris
: Are you kidding me? Clay's the biggest coos hound I know. That guy gets mad gash.
: This is a Sharp 52" Aquos Quattron TV with state-of-the-art 3D technology that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded. Harold
: I don't know. Hasn't the whole 3D thing jumped shark by now? Kenneth Park
: Mr. Lee, you don't understand. This is the best 3D you've ever seen. It's gonna be amazing!
[Kenneth gives two thumbs up to the audience
: Who are you looking at?
: Oh, great. Now we're getting tinkled on. Harold
: It's just urine. It'll wash out. Todd
: Oh, Harry. Tinkled on the windshield. That is officially the grossest thing that has ever happened to me.
: I shot Santa in the face! He's real! And I shot him in the face!