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: ...The universe tends to unfold as it should. Kumar
: What is that? Some fortune cookie?
: Well, congratu-fuckin'-lations, your dream has come true!
: [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail
] Rold? Is that you? Harold
: Kumar? Kumar
: Hey, are the cops still here?
[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park
: What the hell are you doing? Kumar
: I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park. Harold
: Jesus Christ! What'd you do that for? Kumar
: I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.
] Hey, what's that smell? Harold
: What smell? Kumar... Kumar
: [starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen
: Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you...
[Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana
: Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!
: I want that. Kumar
: What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog? Harold
: No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling! Kumar
: Are you saying what I think you're saying? Harold
: We gotta go to White Castle. Kumar
: YES! YES! I knew you had it in you dude!
: Thank you, come again!
: Dude, where's my car? Kumar
: Where's his car, dude?
: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car? Neil Patrick Harris
: Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick. Neil Patrick Harris
: [looks down to count money
] Here's 50 for the meal, and 200 for the car. Harold
: What happened to my car? Neil Patrick Harris
: I made some love stains in the back. You'll see...
: [walks up to a bush and starts peeing
[Creepy Guy walks up out of nowhere and starts peeing right next to him
: 'Scuse me, I just... Creepy Guy
: Huh? Kumar
: I have to ask you, why'd you... wha... wha... why are you peeing... right here? Creepy Guy
: What? Kumar
: I mean... why'd you pee right next to me when you could like, choose that bush, or... Creepy Guy
: Well, this bush looked like I should pee on it. Why are you peeing on it? Kumar
: Well, no one was here when I chose this bush. Creepy Guy
: Oh, so you get to pee on it and no one else does? Huh? Kumar
: No, it's just... I just... Creepy Guy
: This your bush? You have a special bond with this bush? Kumar
: No, I just thought that... Creepy Guy
: You the king of the forest? Kumar
: I'm sorry? Creepy Guy
: What? Creepy Guy
: You fuckin' tree-hugger. IS THIS YOUR SPECIAL BUSH? Kumar
: Never mind. Forget it, I really don't feel like gettin' stabbed tonight.
[they pee in silence for a bit
] Creepy Guy
] Nice pubes. Kumar
: [pauses, creeped out
] How is that not the worse news? Kumar
] The laptop situation really only affects you, whereas the White Castle situation affects us both equally.
: I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like. Harold
: C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure. Kumar
: Just say no. That's all it takes. Kumar
[hands Harold the joint
: Take a hit of that.
: [Kumar trying to buy pot
] Here, that's sixt - 80 bucks. Kumar
: 80 bucks? Hippie Student
: Yeah, 80 bucks. Kumar
: Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro! Hippie Student
: Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. ok, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time. Kumar
: What kind of a hippie are you? Hippie Student
: What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.
: Dude, we're so high right now! Kumar
: We're not low!
: Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot. Harold
: Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype. Kumar
: Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
[2 guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons
: Holy shit!
[assailants stop beating up 2 guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the 2 men lay on the ground moaning
: Let's get the fuck outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive! Kumar
: Yeah, that was your fault. Harold
: Fuck you. Kumar
: Fuck you.
Burger Shack Employee
: Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... just makes me want to burn this motherfucker down. Come on, Pookie, let's burn this motherfucker down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle. Kumar
: You can always get your work done in the car. Harold
: Let's do it. Kumar
: All right. Awesome. Then listen, listen - no matter what, we are not ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs. Agreed? Harold
[shakes Kumar's hand then gives him pound
] Burger Shack Employee
: Wise choice. You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
[Harold and Kumar show disgusted look, employee then bursts out laughing
] Semen. Burger Shack Employee
: Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible
: [to Kumar
] I hope you are here to apologize for what you did at your interview this afternoon. Saikat Patel
: What the hell's wrong with you, Kumar? God! You're, like, 22 years old. I mean, when are you going to stop this post-college rebel baloney? Like your life's so hard. Kumar
: Eat my balls, Saikat. Dr. Patel
: I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off! Kumar
: Dad, come on. Dr. Patel
: Daddy is not coming on anything! You will be there, and you will behave. I have put too much time and energy into you to let you go and fuck it all up!
: Dude, am I going deaf or did he just say we could fuck his wife?
: Go on inside, boys, and make yourselves at home. You can rest up, get something to drink, fuck my wife, whatever you want. Just don't do anything the good lord would'nt do. Kumar
: [walking away with Harold
] Dude am I going deaf or did he just say we could fuck his wife?
: Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on, man. Kumar
: And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this apartment goes to... Harold Lee! Come on down, man! Take a bow! Harold
: Shut up, man. It's a classic.
: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you? Neil Patrick Harris
: Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since. Kumar
: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked. Neil Patrick Harris
: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy! Harold
: Huh? Neil Patrick Harris
: It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle. Kumar
: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night. Neil Patrick Harris
: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.
] Neil Patrick Harris
: Lapdance... Kumar
] There's a gas station. I'm gonaa see if I can get some directions. Neil Patrick Harris
: You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
[they park, pause
] Neil Patrick Harris
: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry... Kumar
: Look, chill. Harold
: We'll be right back, Neil.
[they exit the car
: Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?
: Roldy! Roldy! dude, you gotta come quick. There is these two filthy pussies just aching to get boned by us!
: I mean... duh... that there are these two lovely young pussies who would like to have a chat with you and I.
: [riding a cheetah
] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working? Kumar
] Bitch! Learn how to fuckin' make coffee, you fucking whore!
: Shotgun anus!
: So she's kinda fucking cute. Let her touch your penis.
: I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes. Kumar
: I want the same except make mine diet cokes.
: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man. Kumar
: Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.
: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission? Kumar
: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school. Dr. Willoughby
: But you have perfect MCAT scores! Kumar
: Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
: I forgot my cell phone. Harold
: You wanna run back and get it?
[both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them
: No, we've gone too far.
: What the hell are you doing with my wife? Harold
: Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her! Kumar
: Shit! Shit! Freakshow
: I most certainly did not! Harold
: Yes you did! Freakshow
: Did not! Kumar
: Yes you did! Freakshow
: Oh, no, I didn't. Kumar
: You did, you did. Freakshow
: You sure...? Harold
: You said it! Freakshow
] My mistake! Well, since we're all here... How 'bout a four-some?
: How were Katie Holmes' tits? Goldstein
: You know the Holocaust? Kumar
: Yeah? Goldstein
: Picture the opposite of that! Kumar
: [in surgery
] Hang on a second, nurse. What we should probably use is marijuana. That'll sufficiently sedate the patient for surgery. Male Nurse
: Marijuana?... But why? Kumar
: We don't have time for questions. We need marijuana now, as much of it as possible! Like a big bag of it.
: What kind of name is that anyhow? Kumar? What is that five o's or two u's? Kumar
: No, it's actually one "u" Officer Palumbo
: Yeah, bullshit.
: [awakening from dream after being hit on head
] What the hell are you doing? Gawd! Kumar
: You been out cold for the past half an hour. I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up. Harold
: If you did some gay shit? What kinda - where are we? Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah? Kumar
: It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?
: [licking Harold's face
: Ah! AH! What the hell are you doing? Kumar
: You've been out cold for the past half hour, I figured if I did some gay shit you'd wake up.
: Go on inside, boys, and make yourselves at home. You can rest up, get something to drink, fuck my wife, whatever you want. Just don't do anything Jesus wouldn't! Kumar
: [starts walking away with Harold
] Did he just say we could fuck his wife?
: [whispering to Harold
] Check out those boils on his neck! You gotta look! One of them is actually pulsating! Harold
] Will you shut up? He's right next to me! He can hear you! Kumar
] Ugh! Now there's some sort of Puss! Just look! Harold
: [Harold looks at Freakshow's neck
] See? Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever seen? Harold
] You think that just because you're whispering he can't hear what you are saying? He's two feet away from us! He can hear this entire conversation! He can hear me talking... right now! Kumar
] Don't worry about it, he can't hear anything. Not with all that crust in his ear.
: I heard everything you said.
: Hey, why don't you leave that guy alone and go jerk off to some snowboarding videos or something?
: So where you going to go now, Neil? Neil Patrick Harris
: [puts on sunglasses
] Wherever God takes me!
: [about Doogie Howser, M.D
] So, I gotta ask you Neil, did you ever get it on with Wanda off the set? Neil Patrick Harris
: Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on that show. Kumar
: Even the chick who played the hot nurse? Neil Patrick Harris
: No... I didn't go all the way with her.
: [in surgery
] We should give this man some marijuana. Nurse! Get all the medical marijuana you can! Like a big bag of it? Male Nurse
: Marijuana?... But why?
: Are those my scissors? Dude, I trim my nose hair with those! Kumar
: Dude, I've been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.
: Is there... is there a problem, Officer... Palumbo? Officer Palumbo
: Is there a problem? Have you heard of jaywalking? Harold
: Yes, I have. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again. Officer Palumbo
: That's great. I'm writing you up a ticket. Kumar
: A ticket? Are you serious? Officer Palumbo
: Who the fuck are you, shitwad?
: Hey Roldy? Harold
: What? Kumar
: There's something I forgot to tell you. Harold
: What? Kumar
: I never hang-glided before. Harold
: Let's find us some tunes baby,
[finds a blank tape
: Cole's extreme mix volume 5, what is this shit?
[puts in the tape and "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" begins to play
] These guys are fucking posers!
: Kumar: My names Kumar. Freakshow
[Lifts hand in the air, immediately, whilst still watching the road
: How are you, Kenny? Kumar
[Confused, by this over reaction
: Um... And this is Harold. Freakshow
: Freakshow: Hi, Gerald how are you?
: [notices the ticket fee
] $220? Are you crazy? Excuse me, Officer sir! Let me just take a few guesses here! Harold
: [stands in front of Kumar, pleading to the officer
] I'm really sorry for this... Officer Palumbo
: No sudden movements! Back it up! Kumar
: You were probably the big asshole in high school, right? Officer Palumbo
: Absolutely right. Kumar
: And you used to pick on guys like us everyday for fun? Officer Palumbo
: With pleasure. Kumar
: But then graduation day came! We went to college, while you went nowhere. And then you began to think to yourself, "Gee. How can I still give them grief? Oh, I know, I'll just become a cop." Yeah? Well, congratulations! Your dream has come true! Now, why don't you just take this quiet little Asian guy with the American name that treats you so well and give him some more tickets or better just take him to jail. Officer Palumbo
: Even better.
] Officer Palumbo
: You're going downtown thanks to your friend here. Kumar
: [to Harold, mockingly
] Oh, great American name, Harold! Harold
: [lunges his fist toward Kumar, but misses and strikes Officer Palumbo in the face
] Yaaah! Officer Palumbo
[spits his gum out, angrily
: [placed in jail with a blank expression on his face
] Oh, shoot.
: Excuse me officer. Let me take a couple of guesses. You were probably the big asshole in your high school, right? Officer Martone
: Absolutely right. Kumar
: Used to pick on guys like us every day, right? Officer Martone
: With pleasure. Kumar
: Then graduation day came, and we went to college, and you went nowhere, and you thought, "Hey, how can I still give them shit? I know, I'll become a cop."
: In less than eight hours we're gonna be in Amsterdam. This is nuts. This is nuts! Kumar Patel
: I know, dude. It's gonna be exactly like Eurotrip only it's not going to suck. It's going to be awesome. Harold Lee
: It's not not going to be awesome.
: You remember that time that you broke into the animal lab and like stole that monkey and put it in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room? Kumar Patel
: First of all, that was Goldstein's idea, and second of all, had I known that the monkey had AIDS, I never would've done that.
Neil Patrick Harris
: I have a lost love story of my own. Kumar Patel
: Oh yeah? Neil Patrick Harris
: I'll never forget her. Her name was Tashonda. She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in. Her skin was so soft, her lips were so sweet. She had these tiny little Hershey kisses nipples that you just wanted to suck on all night long. Anyway, last day of shooting I told her. I said "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up". Kumar Patel
: Why'd you do that? Neil Patrick Harris
: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. What a big mistake! Neil Patrick Harris
: [slaps himself in the face
] Neil Patrick Harris
: The point is boys, even though I loved having sex with some hot random trim, a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda. Every time I see a bag of Hershey kisses, my balls get so wet.
Neil Patrick Harris
: Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her. I said... "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up." Kumar Patel
: Why did you do that? Neil Patrick Harris
: I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. It was such a big mistake. Kumar Patel
: Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone, couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted? Neil Patrick Harris
: Let me be clear. There is nothing on the planet that I love more than a hot, new pussy. Kumar Patel
: Sure. Neil Patrick Harris
: Nothing. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H? Harold Lee
: Patrick Harris. Neil Patrick Harris
: No, common mistake. Poon handler.
: I've never had to suck a dick before. Harold Lee
: Me neither. Kumar Patel
: I bet it sucks dick!
: [reciting the poem 'The Square Root of 3'
] I fear that I will always be / A lonely number like root three / A three is all that's good and right, / Why must my three keep out of sight / Beneath a vicious square root sign, / I wish instead I were a nine / For nine could thwart this evil trick, / with just some quick arithmetic / I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321 / Such is my reality, a sad irrationality / When hark! What is this I see, / Another square root of a three / Has quietly come waltzing by, / Together now we multiply / To form a number we prefer, / Rejoicing as an integer / We break free from our mortal bonds / And with a wave of magic wands / Our square root signs become unglued / And love for me has been renewed.
: So you get high and you put other people who smoke weed in jail? George W. Bush
: DUH! Kumar Patel
: That's so hypocritical! George W. Bush
: Oh yeah? Well let me ask you something, Kumar, do you like giving hand jobs? Kumar Patel
: No sir. George W. Bush
: Do you like gettin' hand jobs? Kumar Patel
] Heh, yeah. George W. Bush
: Yeah well, that makes you a fuckin' hypocriticizer too, so shut the fuck up! Now smoke my weed.
] Kumar Patel
: [taking a dump
] Oh God, dude! Harold Lee
: [in shower
] What the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing? Kumar Patel
: I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man. Harold Lee
: You couldn't wait until I got out of the shower? Kumar Patel
: Um, may I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers and 4 large orders of fries?
[continues to take a dump
] Kumar Patel
: Don't worry, in a little bit I'm sure it'll hit you too. Harold Lee
: Maybe, but I'm going to wait until you get out of the shower! Kumar Patel
: Well don't wait too long. We gotta leave for the airport in an hour. Harold Lee
: An hour? Kumar Patel
: Uh-huh. Oh, hey, Roldy? Harold Lee
: Yeah? Kumar Patel
: Nice pubes.
Light-Skinned Black Security
: [after Kumar walks through metal detector
] Sir, I need you to step aside please. I need to search you. Kumar Patel
: Did I beep? Light-Skinned Black Security
: Oh no, you didn't beep. Just a random security check. If you can just step aside, please. Just over here. Kumar Patel
: [stepping aside
] Random, huh? Light-Skinned Black Security
: Yeah. Kumar Patel
: So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity? Harold Lee
: Come on, just do what the guy says. Light-Skinned Black Security
: Sir, it's our job as airport security to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs. Kumar Patel
: So just because of the color of my skin you assume that I have drugs on me? Are you a racist? Light-Skinned Black Security
: Racist? Dude, I'm black! Harold Lee
: He's black! He's not racist! Kumar Patel
] Please, dude. You're barely even brown. Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry. Harold Lee
: No...! Light-Skinned Black Security
: Hey, who you callin' Matthew Perry, bitch? Kumar Patel
: I'm calling you Matthew Perry, you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!
: Why does everything has to be a huge argument with you, man? Kumar Patel
: Because this is America, dude, and as long as I have my freedom of speech no one's going to shut me up.
: Yo, I'm not joining the mile high club with you! Kumar Patel
: [pulling out weed from pants
] What about the really high club?
: Harold Lee, I'd like to introduce you to an invention of mine.
[holds up bong
] Kumar Patel
: Meet the smokeless bong. Harold Lee
: You made this? Kumar Patel
: You know I did. When you were slaving away at work, I was actually being a productive member of society.
: Are all the guards in Guantanamo Bay gay? Big Bob
: Fuck no! There ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked! You're the ones that're gay for sucking my dick! Kumar Patel
: What? Big Bob
: In fact, it creeps me out just being around you fags! Alright, get down on your knees and open your mouths. Harold Lee
: Why don't you kick our asses instead? Big Bob
: GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES NOW!
] Big Bob
: Hope you boys like extra mayo.
: [to illegal immigrant
] I'm telling you Jorge, the first thing you have to do when you get to America - buy a device called TiVo. Okay? Freedom means nothing if you're a slave to regular programming. I promise you that.
: What's up with this party? Raza
: What do you mean? Harold Lee
: There's exposed vagina all over your house. Raza
: Oh, yeah, that was my idea. I don't know about you guys - I'm sick of all the hype over topless. Harold Lee
: Really? I always liked topless. Raza
: Yeah, well I'm starting the bottomless trend! Hence the bottomless party.
: [upon seeing Raza's pubic hair
] That looks like Osama Bin Laden's beard!
: Did you take calculus in high school or something? Kumar Patel
: No, actually my dad taught me in sixth grade. Vanessa
] What are you, like Doogie Howser? Kumar Patel
: No. Although that would be incredible. He's my hero. I love that show.
: The other night I ended up at that Asian party and I shtupped Cindy Kim! Kumar Patel
: Shut the fuck up! Are you serious? Goldstein
: Yeah man, she even gave me a blumpkin! Kumar Patel
: What is a blumpkin? Goldstein
: It's when a girl gives you head while you're sitting on the toilet taking a shit!
: Look how cute this deer is, dude. Not like those asshole deer in New Jersey.
: Hey, you don't happen to have a Baby Ruth on you, do you? Harold Lee
: No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth? Kumar Patel
: That's how Chunk got over with Sloth in The Goonies. Harold Lee
: This thing looks like Sloth? Kumar Patel
: All I saw was the creature's hand. Harold Lee
: The hand looks like Sloth? Kumar Patel
: The fucking hand of an evil monster, dude. Like claws and shit!
: I thought you were joking when you said that you have an inbred son who lives in your basement? Raymus
: Well it ain't a joke! Raylene and I here are siblings. And we get it on. But that don't mean we oughtta be judged!
: I have this fantasy... Vanessa
: What is it? Kumar Patel
: I thought it would be kind of cool to bring someone else in bed with us? Vanessa
: Who? Kumar Patel
: [calling out
] Hey baby.
[giant bag of weed enters bedroom
: Is that a KKK bonfire? Kumar Patel
: Yeah, I think it is. Harold Lee
: Maybe we should get the fuck out of here.
: Thanks for stopping. Neil Patrick Harris
: [turning around
] No problem. Harold Lee
: Neil? Neil Patrick Harris
: Gary and Kumar!
: What are you doing here, man? Neil Patrick Harris
: This is where God took me.
: Can you focus on the driving? Focus on the road. You've had dozens of shrooms, my friend. Neil Patrick Harris
: Uh, dude, I was able to perform an apendectomy at age 14. I think I can handle a couple of mushrooms. Kumar Patel
: Wasn't that just the TV show?
: [after getting through checkpoint
] Holy fucking shit that was awesome! Neil Patrick Harris
: Try having that conversation on shrooms. I deserve an Oscar for that performance! Harold Lee
: You do! Neil Patrick Harris
: Dudes, I'm going to take a little detour on the way, alright? Harold Lee
: No, Neil, no. We're almost there, man. Neil Patrick Harris
: No buts! No buts! I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on! If you two don't want to get your dicks wet, that's fine with me!
: We gotta get Neil! Kumar Patel
: Why? Harold Lee
: We're stealing his car! We can't leave him back there! Kumar Patel
: He stole your fucking car last week!
: I fucked up, okay? And I always fuck up. I am a fuck up! Harold Lee
: You think? Kumar Patel
: Harold, you're my best friend, dude. You mean the world to me, man. I love you. Lt. Derek Davis
] Queers. Kumar Patel
: And I promise you if we figure out a way to get out of this, I'm gonna change, okay? It's not just going to be about Kumar all the time. It's going to be about Kumar and Harold. Harold Lee
: Harold and Kumar. Kumar Patel
: I kind of like the first way better.
: [after jumping out of airplane
] Oh man, that was so fucking extreme!
: [to Vanessa
] Look, I can't promise you the kind of lifestyle that Colton could. I can't promise you that I'll mature over night. But what I can promise you is...
[crowd leans in to listen intently
] Kumar Patel
: [after a long pause
] Sorry, I smoked weed with the president and I totally forgot what I was going to say.
] Kumar Patel
: Ladies and Roldy, how would you like to get really fucking high since we're in Amsterdam? Vanessa
: Yeah. Harold Lee
: Shall we? Maria
: Sounds like a plan. Kumar Patel
, Harold Lee
: Let's do it!
: [at a KKK bonfire
] You guys wanna hear something fucked up and awesome? I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick! Harold Lee
: [whispering to Kumar
] You did that?
: It's because of assholes like you that we're even in this fucking place - fucking cowards! Terrorist #1
: Well maybe if the people in your country stopped eating *doughnuts* and started realizing what their government is doing to the world, "assholes" like us wouldn't exist! Kumar Patel
: Fuck you! Doughnuts are awesome!
: This car is frickin' sweet! Harold Lee
: Oh yeah! Yeah, it's sweet! 'Cuz we're fugitives. Driving a yellow convertible with the top down, dressed like assholes!
: [after being pissed on by a Klansman
] You fucking pissed on me you racist fuck!
: [Admiring one of his own turds floating in the bowl
] Dude, this thing is huge! I think it still has cheese on it!
: Hey, I ran into Todd at Whitaker's, of course. He told me, uh, you got a job working for the government! Colton
: Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dad were in the same fraternity! Kumar Patel
: [under his breath
] Oh, sheesh. Colton
: When he gave my dad that appointment in the Defense Department, I became his right hand man. Kumar Patel
: [Upon being asked to go to a Christmas Eve party
] No can do man. I have to stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high.
: I haven't shaved since you left. Pretty romantic, right? Like Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook."
: Uh, miss, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve.
: You have a good job, you make good money, and you don't beat your wife. What more could a Latino father-in-law ask for?
: You still haven't explained the gay thing. Kumar
: You're not gay, motherfucker! Harold
: At all. Neil Patrick Harris
: Yeah that's something us magicians like to call misdirection. Just a little something I picked up from my man, Clay Aiken. Kumar
: What? Clay Aiken's not gay? Neil Patrick Harris
: Are you kidding me? Clay's the biggest coos hound I know. That guy gets mad gash.
[Kumar butts to the front of the line and is now on Santa's lap
] Mother in Santa line-up
: HEY! Back of the line, Tech Support! Kumar
: Take it easy, Reba. Your little boy can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute!