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Quotes for
Ralph (Character)
from Romancing the Stone (1984)

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The Jewel of the Nile (1985)
[At a Sufi celebration]
Ralph: Look at these guys, Colton. No sheep is safe tonight.

Ralph: You're all I thought about for six months. They threw me in a jail filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward. Every wacko, drippy, open-sored low-life was in that joint, all of them wanting to hire on as my proctologist.

Ralph: Come on, Colton! Where's the jewel?
Jewel: Ralph, I am the Jewel. The Jewel of the Nile.
Ralph: Yeah, and I'm a kumquat from Queens! Pipe down, towel-head!

Ralph: [after Ralph walks out of the catacombs into the riot taking place] Looks like Our Lady of Mount Carmel school yard.

[Ralph comes face-to-face with Omar]
Omar: Who are you?
Ralph: Where's Al Jewelhala buried?
Omar: I said, who the hell are you?
Ralph: Hey, don't provoke me, pal! I've had a tough day here! You know how hot it is around here? It's 120 degrees in the shade! I'm like this with Weinberger! We'll be all over you like a cheap suit!

Ralph: You know, I'll bet you can buy a great townhouse down here for around five or six dollars.

[the captive Ralph is being dragged across the desert floor by the Sufis]
Ralph: [to himself] Oh, please. Let me get out of this alive. I swear to God, I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.
[Ralph and the rest of the Sufis see the smoke in the distance from the burning F-16 which was stolen by Jack]
Ralph: But tonight, I gotta kill Colton!

Jack T. Colton: What the hell are you talkin' about? I don't even know who the hell you are!
Tarak: You must come with me to help find the Jewel.
Ralph: [face lights up] Jewel? What jewel?
Tarak: The Jewel of the Nile. Our most pricess Jewel. Omar stole my people's Jewel. Omar is a very bad man.
Ralph: Yeah, that scum, I spit on him! Jack... buddy? Let's help this nice man get his jewel back.
Tarak: Yes... yes?
Jack T. Colton: Here, I don't know where you're from or what you're on, but I'm sailing my boat tonight.
Tarak: No! You must come to help find the Jewel now! Before Omar kill many people! As long as Omar have the Jewel... nothing can stop him.
Jack T. Colton: Look, I'm going on the boat. You guys can do what you want.
[behind Jack, his sailboat blows up; Jack slowly turns around looking stunned while both Tarak and Ralph are stunned as well]
Ralph: The boat blew up.
Jack T. Colton: My boat blew up?
Ralph: The boat blew up!
Jack T. Colton: Everything's gone.
Ralph: Who are you? The prince of darkness? Don't you got any friends?

Jack T. Colton: I'm sorry you had such a tough time. Ah, how 'bout a hundred bucks?
Ralph: A hundred bucks? I'll give you a one-way ticket to harp land. No more jokes! What'd you do with it?
Jack T. Colton: What are you talkin' about?
Ralph: The stone, moron!

Tarak: You're woman is in danger too. I will take you to him.
Ralph: I'm comin' too!
Jack T. Colton: The hell you are!
Ralph: Look, you owe me Colton. So, where ever you're going, I'm going. Where we going?

Ralph: Why do these third world cesspools always got to be so hot? Will you tell me that?

Ralph: I got to get off of this camel. It's breakin' my ass!

Tarak: Here! You are welcome! We have food. We have drink!
Ralph: You gotta toilet?

Ralph: Ah, what's that I hear? A heart breaking? You sap! Better keep your mind on business, Romeo, you'll wind up gettin' yourself killed over some broad who dumped you.

Ralph: You hook up with a bunch of juju beads, you see what happens?
Jack T. Colton: Just take you're lead from me and you'll be fine.
Ralph: What are we going to do? Walk right through the center of town?
Jack T. Colton: I'm going to put you up a camel's ass - for openers.
Ralph: I think I might like it.

Ralph: [Last lines] Sufis' rule!

Romancing the Stone (1984)
Ralph: Hey Ira, the kid's here with the broad. They're taking her out to the boat.
Ira: Look at those snappers, will you!
Ralph: We shoulda just rifled her room.
Ira: Ralph, how many times do I have to tell you, "It's not in the country"?
Ralph: Well this kidnapping stuff makes me real nervous. It's a piss poor idea. It's nothing but trouble. Look, we've stolen enough of these antique trinkets to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives. Let's kiss-off this third-world toilet.
Ira: One last big one, trust me Ralph, trust me. Oh! Did you see that Ralph, that ugly, striped son-of-a-bitch down there!
Ralph: Someone's gonna get killed, and you're farting around with prehistoric animals. Come on Ira, let's forget about this one. I've got a real bad feeling about it, real bad.
Ira: Will you stop worrying. Have I ever hurt you? I will never hurt you, I can't hurt you. We've got the same blood. We're not two people, we are one person! Would I hurt me?
[one of the alligators hisses]
Ira: Look at those snappers, Ralph!

Ira: Of all the things you could say to me right now, "I lost her," Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.
Ralph: Look, bullethead. If they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. I have been through every one-horse shithole for a two-hundred mile radius. You should have seen the river I had to traverse this morning. So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder. You have been an embarrasment to our family ever since the day you were born! And let me tell you something else, Ira...
[he turns and sees Joan and Jack getting out of a car]
Ralph: You are luckiest son of a bitch that ever walked the face of the earth! She's here!
Ira: She's there!
Ralph: She's right here! She's walking towards the phone. She's with some guy. How do I know? She likes guys! So do you, maricon!

Zolo: Don't I know you?
Ralph: No comprendo.
Zolo: You are an American?
Ralph: [changing to French accent to hide his identity] Uh, odio, er... ah... americanos, uh... I spit on 'em, ptuh! I hate americanos, they're scumo! Scum!
Zolo: Êtes-vous français?

Ralph: I had it in my hands, Ira. These hands that are going to break every bone in your body.
[Zolo points a gun at his face]
Ralph: ... later.

Jack T. Colton: [Jack and Joan find the stone in a cave] Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
Ralph: [surprising them holding a gun] Understatement of the year, asshole.
Jack T. Colton: [to Joan] Is there anybody who *isn't* following you?
Ralph: Put the goods in the bag.
[Jack surrenders the stone]
Ralph: Now move it, before Batman comes home.

Ralph: [to Jack] Oh, oh *I'm* the creep, huh? Well at least I'm honest: I'm *stealing* this stone. I'm not trying to romance it out from under her.

Ralph: Not only are we kidnappers, but I'm about to have a close encounter with a cattle prod!

Ralph: [On the phone] All right, cousin, as usual, you got us in some serious sh*t here. First of all, the stupid dame got on the wrong bus. Now, I'm stuck in some kind of Spic-o military compound. They're mobilizing for Iwo Jima here.
Ira: Do they know who you are?
Ralph: Oh, oh, do you think I'm going up an introducing myself to every cop in the pueblo?

Joan Wilder: Well, wait a minute, now. Going for the stone was my idea.
Ralph: Ah, that's what all the good con artists want you to think. He made you think you needed it, you sap!