Jack T. Colton
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Quotes for
Jack T. Colton (Character)
from Romancing the Stone (1984)

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Romancing the Stone (1984)
Jack T. Colton: Goddamn it, I knew I should've listened to my mother. I could've been a cosmetic surgeon, five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits and ass.

Jack T. Colton: Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you?
Joan Wilder: Well, I'm a romance novelist.
Jack T. Colton: You're what? What are you doing here?
Joan Wilder: I told you, my sister's life depends on me.
Jack T. Colton: Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something.

Joan Wilder: What is all this?
Jack T. Colton: All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here.
Joan Wilder: Oh, marijuana.
Jack T. Colton: Oh, you smoke it?
Joan Wilder: [defensively] I went to college.

Jack T. Colton: What did you do, wake up this morning and say, "Today, I'm going to ruin a man's life"?

Jack T. Colton: One hell of a morning has turned into a bitch of a day!

Joan Wilder: These were Italian.
Jack T. Colton: Now they're practical.

Jack T. Colton: Now I ain't cheap, but I can be had.

Joan Wilder: You're the best time I've ever had.
Jack T. Colton: I've never been anybody's best time.

Jack T. Colton: [picking up a magazine] Dammit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up! Shit! When did that happen?
Joan Wilder: How long have you been down here?
Jack T. Colton: Forever.

Jack T. Colton: What's the matter, are you paralyzed from the neck up, or are you hurt?

[last lines]
[Jack shows off his new crocodile skin boots made from the crocodile he has killed]
Joan Wilder: I like your boots.
Jack T. Colton: Yup, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms.
Joan Wilder: I can't blame him. If I were to die there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be.
Jack T. Colton: I couldn't stop thinking about you. I even read one of your books.
Joan Wilder: Then you know how they all end.
Jack T. Colton: Yeah. Hi.
Joan Wilder: Hi.
[they kiss passionately]

Jack T. Colton: My minimum price for taking a stranded lady to a telephone is 400 dollars.
Joan Wilder: Will you take 375 in traveler's checks?
Jack T. Colton: American Express?
Joan Wilder: Of course.
Jack T. Colton: You've got a deal.

Joan Wilder: You're a mondo dismo!
Jack T. Colton: I'm... what am I? I'm what?
Joan Wilder: You're a man who takes money from stranded women!

Joan Wilder: Excuse me, mister. Can you tell where can I get to a telephone?
Jack T. Colton: No, lady. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.
Joan Wilder: But it's very important that I get to one.
Jack T. Colton: Well, we've all got our problems today. Don't we?
Joan Wilder: Can you tell me where the nearest town is?
Jack T. Colton: English speaking? How about Miami?
Joan Wilder: Will there be another bus?
Jack T. Colton: Another bus? This is it.
[looks around a deserted, dirt mountain road]
Jack T. Colton: You've got rush hour.
Joan Wilder: I need to get to Cartagena.
Jack T. Colton: Cartagena? Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena. Cartagena's over there on the coast.
Joan Wilder: But they told me this bus...
Jack T. Colton: Who told you that? Who told you this bus was going to Cartagena?
Joan Wilder: That man...
Jack T. Colton: That nice man who pulled a gun on you? What else did he tell you?

Jack T. Colton: [Jack and Joan find the stone in a cave] Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
Ralph: [surprising them holding a gun] Understatement of the year, asshole.
Jack T. Colton: [to Joan] Is there anybody who *isn't* following you?
Ralph: Put the goods in the bag.
[Jack surrenders the stone]
Ralph: Now move it, before Batman comes home.

Jack T. Colton: [looking at a photo of his dream yacht whilst lying in bed with Joan] Someday if I had the money, I'd take you... we'd sail away... around the world and back again. I promise you. I promise you we'll do that.
[they kiss and Joan holds Jack more tightly]
Joan Wilder: Why haven't you taken the map away from me?
Jack T. Colton: What are you talking about?
Joan Wilder: I saw that tree today, the Devil's Fork, it's on the map. You know how close we are?
Jack T. Colton: Yeah sure I do. What's that got to do with it?
Joan Wilder: I was thinking about something you said... about having more to bargain with.
Jack T. Colton: Yeah. The best way to help your sister is to get that treasure and if you waltz into Cartagena you're holding all the cards.
Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht, then back at Jack] I'd love to see you on that boat. But Jack if we have to give it up... to save Elaine?
Jack T. Colton: Then we give it up. I mean it's your sister. Hell yeah. Of course we give it up. That's the point. At least we've got the leverage to do it.
Joan Wilder: [looks at the picture of the yacht again, then back at Jack] OK. OK. Let's got for it.
[they kiss]

Joan Wilder: What about the bridge?
Jack T. Colton: That ain't a bridge. That's goddamned pre-Columbian art!

Jack T. Colton: [Ducking bullets behind a boulder] The cops? What do they want? I haven't done anything lately!

Jack T. Colton: I understand you have a car. We would like to buy it or rent it, we need to get to a town.
Juan: What do you call this I'm living in, a pigsty?
Jack T. Colton: Oh, no this is great...
Juan: Hit the road.
Jack T. Colton: No, senor, see we...
Juan: Hit-the-road.
Jack T. Colton: But we...
Juan: [Points a gun at him] Vaya con Dios, gringo.
Jack T. Colton: [Jack and Joan back off and turn around, to find that all of Juan's men have pulled guns on them too] Okay, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.
Juan: Joan Wilder... Joan Wilder? *The* Joan Wilder?
[Lowering gun, opening door and walking out]
Juan: You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?
Joan Wilder: Well, yes, I am.
Juan: I read your books! I read all your books!
[Turning to his men, in Spanish]
Juan: This is Joan Wilder, who writes the books I read to you on Saturdays!
Bad Hombre: [awestruck] Juanita... Juanita, it's Juanita!
[all the men put away their guns and wave enthusiastically]

Jack T. Colton: Lady, you are a jinx!

Jack T. Colton: I think I'm going to throw another key on the fire.
Joan Wilder: No, please, I'm getting dizzy.

Joan Wilder: What do you want? Seriously? I'd really like to know.
Joan Wilder: Came down here in a coffee boat, about a year and a half ago. Right. Christ, what job that was. But, I couldn't get over that ocean, though, you know. Yeah. I love the ocean. You know you just got to get out there - all by yourself - nobody else around. It's beautiful. So, that's what I want. Try to get enough money together to buy a boat and sail around the world.
Joan Wilder: So, you're just gonna sail away? All by yourself?
Jack T. Colton: Yeah.
Joan Wilder: Sounds lonely, Jack T. Colton. - - Well, what does the T stand for?
Jack T. Colton: Trustworthy.

Joan Wilder: Friendly, aren't they.
Jack T. Colton: Drug runners. Just try to look mean.

Joan Wilder: Which way to do we go?
Jack T. Colton: Follow that stone!

The Jewel of the Nile (1985)
[while surrounded by native Africans]
Jack Colton: Just keep smiling. Maybe they'll think we're with National Geographic.

Jack Colton: It's looking more like 90-10, eh Kumquat?

[Omar has put Jack and Joan in a deathtrap copied from one of Joan's own books]
Jack Colton: So how'd they get out?
Joan Wilder: What?
Jack Colton: In "The Savage Secret".
Joan Wilder: Oh. Um... Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot. You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?
Jack Colton: I'm not even wearing underwear.

Jack Colton: [Jack points flair gun at F-16 Pilot] OK, flyboy estimated time of departure is right now.

Jack Colton: All right!, If we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you. Let's go, come on!

[Jack, Joan and the Jewel are under fire from Omar's soldiers]
Jack Colton: Okay, now let's go.
Joan Wilder: [refering to the Jewel] Wait a minute, Jack. He's coming with us.
Jack Colton: Don't start with me, Joan! I've come halfway across Africa to rescue you!
Joan Wilder: Resuce me? I was doing fine without you!
Jewel: [to Jack] Please, I am guide. I can help you.
Jack Colton: I don't need a guide! I need a miracle!

Jack Colton: Why does everything got to be your way?
Joan Wilder: My way? It wasn't my idea to take off and sail around the world with you on your boat for the last six months!
Jewel: I like this. You talk to each other like this often?
Jack Colton: [to the Jewel] Well, let me tell you what I had to put up. Three months ago, we're moored off the Canary Islands, midnight, sound asleep. A boat of three crazed Joan Wilder fans decide that they want the anchor of the Angeline for a souvenir! We were drifting for days!
Joan Wilder: Well, do you remember the incident at Gibraltar, Jack?
Jack Colton: Oh, come on. Not that again.
Joan Wilder: He has to meet me at the governor's mansion for a formal dinner, and you show up with the entire Italian National League Basketball team!
Jack Colton: Hey, they were hungry.

Jack T. Colton: What the hell are you talkin' about? I don't even know who the hell you are!
Tarak: You must come with me to help find the Jewel.
Ralph: [face lights up] Jewel? What jewel?
Tarak: The Jewel of the Nile. Our most pricess Jewel. Omar stole my people's Jewel. Omar is a very bad man.
Ralph: Yeah, that scum, I spit on him! Jack... buddy? Let's help this nice man get his jewel back.
Tarak: Yes... yes?
Jack T. Colton: Here, I don't know where you're from or what you're on, but I'm sailing my boat tonight.
Tarak: No! You must come to help find the Jewel now! Before Omar kill many people! As long as Omar have the Jewel... nothing can stop him.
Jack T. Colton: Look, I'm going on the boat. You guys can do what you want.
[behind Jack, his sailboat blows up; Jack slowly turns around looking stunned while both Tarak and Ralph are stunned as well]
Ralph: The boat blew up.
Jack T. Colton: My boat blew up?
Ralph: The boat blew up!
Jack T. Colton: Everything's gone.
Ralph: Who are you? The prince of darkness? Don't you got any friends?

Joan Wilder: Jack!
Jack T. Colton: Hold tight, I'm coming!

Jack T. Colton: I thought you said you wanted to sail around the world with me?
Joan Wilder: Well, I do, but, but not all of it this week. I mean, Jack, this is just becoming a blur. Exotic ports. And great parties. And spectacular sunsets. It's not enough.

Jack T. Colton: I'm sorry you had such a tough time. Ah, how 'bout a hundred bucks?
Ralph: A hundred bucks? I'll give you a one-way ticket to harp land. No more jokes! What'd you do with it?
Jack T. Colton: What are you talkin' about?
Ralph: The stone, moron!

Tarak: You're woman is in danger too. I will take you to him.
Ralph: I'm comin' too!
Jack T. Colton: The hell you are!
Ralph: Look, you owe me Colton. So, where ever you're going, I'm going. Where we going?

Tarak: You are guests of Omar. Find for us the jewel. Accept your destiny!
Jack T. Colton: Destiny, my ass.

Ralph: You hook up with a bunch of juju beads, you see what happens?
Jack T. Colton: Just take you're lead from me and you'll be fine.
Ralph: What are we going to do? Walk right through the center of town?
Jack T. Colton: I'm going to put you up a camel's ass - for openers.
Ralph: I think I might like it.