Burt Gummer
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Quotes for
Burt Gummer (Character)
from Tremors (1990)

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Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001) (V)
[as an ass blaster groans over Burt's compound]
Burt: Not to worry, my perimeter is completely Graboid proof.
Jodi Chang: But is it ass blaster proof.

Jack: I've been listening to my inner voice, and it's tellin' me that you and I are destined to work together. What do ya think?
Burt: I think if I had an inner voice, it'd be tellin' me to tell you to get lost.
[drives off]
Jack: Well, uh just give it some time. You just think about it and get back to me now.

Burt: [after an argument about catching a live graboid. Currently glaring angrily at Jack after he "cut them a deal" with the Feds] You...
[turns gaze to the Feds]
Burt: ... say you have some sort of tranquilizer? Hmm?
Jack: [mouthing] Thank you...
Frank Stattler (Third Fed.): Yeah, we're usin' tranq darts.
[looks at Rusk]
Frank Stattler (Third Fed.): We got one to chase us, but we couldn't get these
[holds up a tranq dart with bent tip]
Frank Stattler (Third Fed.): to penetrate the dirt. I'm ordering titanium tips, and a more powerful launch-gun.
Burt: Of course, you could *squander* the tax-payers' money, but I bet I could get them to swallow *this*
[holds up a bag with tranquilizer fluid inside]
Burt: with *this*
[holds up a remote-control truck]
Burt: , for $49.95!
Agent Charlie Rusk: So, do we - do we - we have a deal? Because we wanna know what - we should do...
Burt: You guys do what you do best!
[gets into his truck with the window rolled down]
Burt: Find something simple and complicate it!
Jack: [to Rusk] It's good that he expresses himself. Repressed emotions can be real toxic.
Agent Charlie Rusk: He needs counselling...
Burt: [to Jack] Get in!
Jack: What?
Burt: You got me into this!
Burt: Well, alright!
[Runs to the truck, slides over the hood, and jumps into the truck through an open window]
Burt: Use the door!

Burt: Have you heard from the feds?
Jack: Not since this morning. Haven't been able to raise 'em. They were chasing a Graboid.
Burt: They were chasing it? It wasn't chasing them?

[about the FEDS]
[over radio]
Burt: Need I remind you Jack? They are not your friends, they are government agents. OVER!
Jack: [also over radio] Cut me some slack, Burt! All I did was a little negotiatin'.
Burt: You did *what*?
Jack: I cut us a deal! You help 'em catch one live graboid, they give you back your huntin' license, over.
Burt: [Burt drives up, stopping next to Jack. Jodi notices them still talking on the radio] Uhhh, copy that. Roger. One question.
Jack: Shoot.
Burt: [Off radio, getting out of the vehicle] Is your head up your ass for the warmth?

Burt: And THAT'S why we're at the top of the food chain!

[after Burt blows up his home to keep the assblaster from eating the food, and finding out food stops them]
Burt: What kind of supreme being would condone such irony?

[after Burt gets dug up from a Graboid stomach]
Burt: I prefer... we keep this... to ourselves.
Jodi Chang: Oh, you guys definitely need to be supervised.

Burt: And people called me paranoid.
Jack: Uh, *I* don't think you're paranoid!
Miguel: I do...
[Under his breath]
Miguel: ...but not no more.

[after Burt kills 100 shriekers with an anti-aircraft gumn mount]
Burt: Any questions?

Burt: [after seeing a "Perfection Valley Ranchettes" sign by the junkyard, signifying Mel going specifically against what Burt said] The little turd!

Jodi Chang: [after assembling a potato gun, Jodi realizes a problem] Uh, but do we have a lighter?
Jack: Burt does.
Burt: [looks up from the gun] How do you know?
Jack: Well, 'cause you're... Burt.
Burt: [presenting lighter] Damn right I am.

Burt: [after everyone runs into an outhouse to hide from the assblasters] Well... let's assess the situation.
Jack: We're screwed.
Jodi Chang: We're screwed in an outhouse?

[a graboid is just outside Burt's fence]
Burt: Now, if you'll kindly lean your endangered carcass over my property line, we'll call your untimely demise 'self defense'.

Burt: [handing Jack a gun] You do know which end the bullets come out?
Jack: I've seen movies.

[Melvin is trying to convince Burt to sell his house and land]
Melvin Plug: C'mon Burt, what do you say?
Burt: I say I'll give you a ten-second head start.

Burt: I'm a masterpiece of selfdestruction.

Jack: Burt, what happens if this thing eats your food?
Burt: [looks around at the many, many cases of MREs] Assblaster Blitzkrieg.

Burt: A lifetime of preparation, and *I* end up a refugee?

Tremors II: Aftershocks (1996) (V)
Grady: [it's night, Grady and Earl are waiting on top of their stranded truck for Pedro to arrive, an explosion sounds in the distance]
[referring to Burt]
Grady: Jesus! He got another one.
Earl Bassett: That man never sleeps.
[two more explosions sound in the distance]
Burt Gummer: [over radio] Guys, Burt here. Doing a little night fishing. Got three of 'em on a cluster chare. I'd say we're about even now. Over.
Earl Bassett: Come on, Burt. This isn't a competition.
Burt Gummer: [over radio] Well, who's competing? I'm just saying the score is tied, that's all. Over.
Grady: Well, 'son', no it isn't, cuz we just caught a live one. How 'bout that.
Burt Gummer: [over radio] A live one? How in the hell...
Grady: Well, that's our little secret. Happy hunting, Burt.
[turns radio off]
Earl Bassett: [laughing] I'll bet that burned his skinny ass!

Burt Gummer: I am COMPLETELY out of ammo. That's never happened to me before.

[Burt has just blown up a Graboid]
Burt: Memo: 4 pounds of C-4 may be a bit -
[pebbles rain down onto his helmet]
Burt: excessive.

Burt Gummer: I feel I was denied critical need-to-know information.

[Upon being introduced to Burt's anti-tank rifle]
Earl Bassett: Man Burt, you put a whole new shine on the word 'overkill'.
Burt Gummer: When you need it, and don't have it... you sing a different tune.

Burt Gummer: I didn't know... how could I have known? I wanted maximum penetration!
Earl Bassett: [Looks at destroyed engine] Well, you got it.

Burt: It's gonna be big!
Grady: But is it gonna be today!

[hiding from the Shriekers, Earl, Grady, and Kate are on top of some containers, Burt is inside the scoop of a bulldozer]
Grady: Burt are you *sure* you don't have any more bullets? Did you check *all* your pockets?
Burt Gummer: You know, as I lie here, I can't help but notice... the reason I am out of nine millimeter rounds is that I was not properly briefed. And the reason for that is that this mission was not properly researched. If certain people had bothered to gather intelligence on the creatures before bumbling into the situation...
Earl Bassett: Burt, knock it off!
Burt Gummer: ...We wouldn't be down here with single-shot big bores when we should be packing full auto, preferably belt-fed!
[a Shrieker near Burt grunts loudly]
Burt Gummer: [to the Shrieker] Shut up!

Earl Bassett: Jesus, Burt! You smoked his ass!
Burt: Just doing what I can with what I got.

Burt Gummer: [Earl has set a bomb to blow up a garage containing the Shriekers] Earl! Earl, the bomb, how long did you set it for?
Earl Bassett: Oh, I... I don't know, I just punched in some numbers and threw it in the back of your truck!
Burt Gummer: [horrified] You WHAT? That's 2,5 tons of high explosives, Earl!
Earl Bassett: You mean that's not enough?
Earl Bassett: Oh Burt, don't tell me it's not enough!
Burt Gummer: Not enou... Never mind, just run! Run!

Burt Gummer: I feel I was denied critical NEED TO KNOW information.

Grady: [realizing Earl tricked him] Wait a minute!
[turns to Burt]
Grady: Paper wraps rock, doesn't it?
Burt Gummer: [sighs in annoyance] Paper ALWAYS wraps rock.
Grady: Damn!

Burt Gummer: [solemnly] Heather's not coming back.
Earl Bassett: No?
Burt Gummer: She called and told me to send her the HK91.
Earl Bassett: Ouch!

Tremors (1990)
[Burt Gummer, with his wife Heather at his side, berates the dead monster fought off with their "family arsenal"]
Burt Gummer: Broke into the wrong goddamn rec room, didn't ya you bastard!

[Burt Gummer looks at his bomb shelter for perhaps the last time]
Burt Gummer: Food for five years, a thousand gallons of gas, air filtration, water filtration, Geiger counter. Bomb shelter! Underground... God damn monsters.

Burt Gummer: No tracks, no sign, no spoor... you'd think after eating all those sheep they'd have to take a dump *some*place

Valentine McKee: Come on you two, let's go, we're headed for the mountains!
Burt Gummer: [Hefts bag of weapons] If that's how we're doin it, we're going prepared!

Valentine McKee: We can't hold still long! These things are damn smart! They're getting smarter by the minute!
Burt Gummer: That's fine!
[Holds up a stick of dynamite]
Burt Gummer: We got some new things to teach 'em!

[Burt cuts off a piece of fuse for a bomb for Earl]
Earl Bassett: What kind of fuse is that?
Burt Gummer: Cannon fuse
Earl Bassett: What the hell do you use it for?
Burt Gummer: My cannon!

Valentine McKee: What the hell's in those things, Burt?
Burt Gummer: A few household chemicals in the proper proportions.

Burt Gummer: [handing out weapons and refusing to give Melvin one] I wouldn't give you a gun if it were World War 3.

Valentine McKee: [speaking to Burt over a radio and is trying to tell him about the monsters] Burt, it's under the ground! It's an underground monster!
Burt Gummer: [over the radio, as a monster comes through his rec room wall] Jesus Chri...!
[transmission turns to static]

Melvin Plug: Burt, you asshole! There's no bullets in this gun!
Burt Gummer: Got you moving, didn't it?

Heather Gummer: You didn't get penetration even with the elephant gun?
Burt Gummer: Shit!
Heather Gummer: Good Lord.

[Melvin has a Graboid snake tongue wrapped around his neck]
Melvin Plug: [screams] It's got me! It's got me!
[Melvin bursts into laughter. Everyone realizes he was playing a joke]
Walter Chang: Melvin!
Burt Gummer: Damn it, Melvin!
[gets in Melvin's face and Melvin stops laughing]
Burt Gummer: You came that close, too close. No more games.
Earl Bassett: Melvin, one of these days, somebody's gonna kick your ass.

Tremors 5: Bloodlines (2015) (V)
Erich Van Wyck: Is that it?
[after spotting an Ass-Blaster for the first time]
Burt Gummer: Sure as hell ain't Mickey Mouse.

Burt Gummer: That's right. Fly right into my crosshairs, you fire-farting son of a bitch.

"Tremors: A Little Paranoia Among Friends (#1.7)" (2003)
Burt Gummer: You didn't pack a toothbrush?
Tyler: Eh, I thought I'd borrow yours.