Klaus Baudelaire
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Quotes for
Klaus Baudelaire (Character)
from A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

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A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)
Count Olaf: I must say, you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so glum?
Klaus Baudelaire: ...Our parents just died.
Count Olaf: Ah yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let me do that one more time. Give me the line again! Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind!
Klaus Baudelaire: [uncertainly] Our parents just died?
Count Olaf: [gasps dramatically]
Sunny: [in baby talk] What a schmuck!

Klaus Baudelaire: How could they do this to us?
Violet Baudelaire: They're just bad people...
Klaus Baudelaire: Not them. Mom and Dad.
Violet Baudelaire: Klaus!
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet, you're thinking it too! How could they? Did they have no plan for us at all?
Violet Baudelaire: Maybe... maybe they did have a plan.
Klaus Baudelaire: [sarcastically] Sure looks like it to me.

Klaus Baudelaire: You know, Curdled Cave is for sale.
Aunt Josephine: So?
Klaus Baudelaire: So, pretty soon people are going to come to look at it. And some of those people will be... realtors.
[Aunt Josephine gasps]

[about Aunt Josephine's deceased husband, Ike]
Klaus Baudelaire: Did Ike die in a fire?
Aunt Josephine: No, no, silly boy... he was eaten by leeches.
Sunny: [non-subtitled] Okay

Violet Baudelaire: Dinner is served. Puttanesca.
Count Olaf: What did you call me?
Klaus Baudelaire: It's pasta... Pasta Puttanesca.
Count Olaf: Where's the roast beef?
Klaus Baudelaire: Roast beef?
Count Olaf: Beef, yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted!

Klaus Baudelaire: Violet, nothing happens by coincidence.

Klaus Baudelaire: This is not home.

Count Olaf: [to the room of his troupe of actors] Let us go back to the time when dinosaurs ruled the earth!
[raises arms like a T-rex and screeches, walking around like a pidgeon]
Klaus Baudelaire: [watches, bemused, as Count Olaf heads into the hall, still doing his dinosaur impersonation]
Count Olaf: [screeches, then sees Klaus] ... What are you staring at?

Violet Baudelaire: Are you okay?
Klaus Baudelaire: No.

Aunt Josephine: Where's your brother?
Violet Baudelaire: Kitchen.
Aunt Josephine: Klaus! What are you doing?
Klaus Baudelaire: Napkins.
Aunt Josephine: Napkins. Oh, napkins are here. Come away from the fridge. If it falls it'll crush you flat.

Klaus Baudelaire: These things don't just happen.

Klaus Baudelaire: You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18.
Count Olaf: Oh really... says who?
Klaus Baudelaire: The law. Look it up.

Klaus Baudelaire: This is ridiculous! Violet's only 14! She can't be legally married!
Count Olaf: She can if she has the permission of her guardian. And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!
[laughs maniacally]
Count Olaf: Look it up, bookworm!

Klaus Baudelaire: Do you think anything will ever feel like home again?
[Violet ties up her hair]
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] Sanctuary... is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.

Klaus Baudelaire: Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?

Klaus Baudelaire: [backstage after Count Olaf has revealed his plan to marry Violet otherwise he'll kill Sunny] No... you're not going to go through with this?
Violet Baudelaire: I have to.
Klaus Baudelaire: No come on! There's always something! There's always something.
Violet Baudelaire: Not this time.
Klaus Baudelaire: But...
Violet Baudelaire: Go, Klaus.
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet...
Violet Baudelaire: Go!

Klaus Baudelaire: Aunt Josephine?
Violet Baudelaire: Never heard of her.
Klaus Baudelaire: Doesn't it strike you odd that none of our relatives are related to us?

[during the play, Klaus sneaks away to save Sunny]
Klaus Baudelaire: What would Violet do? What would Violet do? There's always something. There's always something.

Klaus Baudelaire: We have to go to the authorities!
Violet Baudelaire: No.
Klaus Baudelaire: What?
Violet Baudelaire: They won't listen. They never listen! We have to find Aunt Josephine - by ourselves.

[the Baudelaires are making Pasta Puttanesca]
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny, how's that pot coming?
[Sunny appears with a spitoon]
Sunny: [subtitled] Voila!
Klaus Baudelaire: Uh ,Sunny, that's not a pot. That's a spitoon.
Violet Baudelaire: A spitoon? You mean like...?
Klaus Baudelaire: [nods in disgust]
Violet Baudelaire: We'll wash it twice.

Klaus Baudelaire: Everything happens for a reason.

Mr. Poe: ...So I'm taking you to live with your dear Count Olaf, who resides right here in the city just 37 blocks away.
Klaus Baudelaire: I don't think that's what "closest" is supposed to mean.
Violet Baudelaire: We don't know a Count Olaf.
Mr. Poe: Yes, yes, of course you do. He's either your third cousin four times removed or your forth cousin three times removed.
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Someone's BRAIN'S been removed!
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny!

Klaus Baudelaire: [conceerning Olaf's evil plot] He tried to kill us!
Mr. Poe: Now let's not exagerrate Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear.

Violet Baudelaire: Do you remember when Mum and Dad went to Europe, and we thought they'd abandoned us because they didn't even write? And then we found out they'd written a long letter and it had just gotten lost in the mail. Do you remember how guilty we felt for thinking bad thoughts about them? This is just like that.
Klaus Baudelaire: No it's not.
Violet Baudelaire: Why?
Klaus Baudelaire: Because they're not in Europe. They're not coming back

Klaus Baudelaire: That's the Two-Headed Cobra!
Uncle Monty: Well spotted!
Violet Baudelaire: Is that a he or a she?
Uncle Monty: I have no idea! I didn't think it polite to ask.

Count Olaf: Looks like you could use a little assistance.
Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we get back to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!
Count Olaf: [sarcastically] And then I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last, and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony, and everybody will be singing and dancing and giggling like the littlest elf! A happy ending! Is that what you had mind?

Violet Baudelaire: On three, we're gonna break that beam.
Klaus Baudelaire: Break it?
Violet Baudelaire: Yes.
Klaus Baudelaire: But that's the only thing keeping us up.
Violet Baudelaire: Exactly.
Klaus Baudelaire: Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?

[after telling the children how Ike died]
Aunt Josephine: Oh, God, I hate it here.
Violet Baudelaire: Well, Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought of, maybe, moving someplace else? Maybe, if you moved away from Lake Lachrymose, you might feel better.
Aunt Josephine: Oh, I could never, never, never, never sell this house.
[pause]
Aunt Josephine: I'm terrified of realtors.
Lemony Snicket: There are two kinds of fears. Rational and irrational. Being afraid of realtors is an irrational fear.
[in a flashback]
Realtor: [shows her card to a tentative Josephine] Is this a bad time?
Aunt Josephine: [screams at the top of her lungs]
[in the present]
Klaus Baudelaire: [to Violet] We gotta get her out of the house.

Klaus Baudelaire: [yelling to Mr.Poe from Olaf's boat] Mr. Poe we're...
Count Olaf: [to Klaus] Drowning

Klaus Baudelaire: [to Violet on a dock on Lake Lachrymose] Does it strike you as odd that none of our relatives are related to us?

Count Olaf: [from his boat to the Baudelaires and Aunt Josephine] Hello, hello, hello. I missed you guys. Looks like you could use a little assistance.
Klaus Baudelaire: You're gonna need assistance when we baack to town! Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone what happened!
Count Olaf: [in a fast sarcastic tone] Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail, and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth, and bravery and nobility will prevail at last and this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony and everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littles Elf. Happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?