Jackie Chiles
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Quotes for
Jackie Chiles (Character)
from "Seinfeld" (1989)

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"Seinfeld: The Finale (#9.22)" (1998)
Jackie Chiles: [about Sidra's breasts] Oh, and by the way, they're real and they're spectacular!

Jerry: That's him, the bubble boy!
Jackie Chiles: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He's a boy who lives in a bubble.
Bubble Boy: The hell you all looking at?

Lippman: [Deleted scene] So based on Ms. Benes' recommendation, Mr. Costanza came to work with me.
D.A. Hoyt: And then what happened?
[Cuts to flashback, then to present day]
D.A. Hoyt: Now, let's add sexual harassment to the laundry list.
Jackie Chiles: Harassment? The only person being harassed is my client! Since when is it illegal to have sexual intercourse with a maintenance worker?
Judge Arthur Vandelay: Sit down, Mr. Chiles! Next time, I'll charge you with contempt.

Jackie Chiles: [Extended version] I am shocked and chagrined! Mortified and stupefied! This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayer's time and money! It is a travesty of justice that these four people will be incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing! Lying and laughing! Laughing... and lying! These four outstanding citizens whose lives have been so unnecessarily interrupted, and whose reputations have been trampled on are lucky to be alive! These four people, were standing on the sidewalk. Having almost perished in a terrible, fiery, plane crash. I'd get the pilot here. That's no problem. The pilot will testify. They were so terrified, that they were quivering and quavering, feeling their arms and legs to make sure they were still in one piece. You know what they were? They were innocent bystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent... bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know they were bystanders. Nobody's disputing that. So, how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing! Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty! Bystanders, are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of by-standing. But, no. They want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal; the guilty bystanders. Don't you let him do it. Only you... can stop them.

"Seinfeld: The Caddy (#7.12)" (1996)
Jackie Chiles: So you're driving in the car, you're with your friend, minding your own business?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: Then what happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Then we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top.
Jackie Chiles: No top? She didn't have a top on?
Cosmo Kramer: No. So I got distracted and I crashed the car.
Jackie Chiles: Well how would you describe this woman? Would you say she was an attractive woman?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh yeah!
Jackie Chiles: So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin' around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions!
Cosmo Kramer: She was flouting.
Jackie Chiles: That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!
Cosmo Kramer: It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.

[last lines]
Jackie Chiles: You can't let the defendant have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on over a leotard, of course a bra's not gonna fit over a leotard. A bra gotta fit right over a person's skin. Like a glove!

"Seinfeld: The Maestro (#7.3)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: Well you know they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
Jackie Chiles: Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
Cosmo Kramer: It's definitely preposterous.
Jackie Chiles: So. Then what happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Well I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
Jackie Chiles: Was there a top on it?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah
Jackie Chiles: Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?
Cosmo Kramer: No. They put the top on.
Jackie Chiles: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you?
[Kramer motions that he did not make the top]
Jackie Chiles: [to secretary over intercom] Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top.
[to Kramer]
Jackie Chiles: We're gonna run some test on that top. Have you been to the doctor?
Cosmo Kramer: No. No, I haven't.
Jackie Chiles: Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.
Cosmo Kramer: So, what do you think, Mr. Chiles.
Jackie Chiles: Jackie
Cosmo Kramer: Jackie. I mean, we have a chance?
Jackie Chiles: Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.