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Jerry: Hello?
Operator: You hve a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy,don't say no!
Jerry: Accept.
Jerry: Well,where are you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of first, and first. Wait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the center of the universe!
Jerry Seinfeld: [
phone rings] Hello?
Operator: [
Elaine points to door, and Jerry shoos her off] You have a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy, don't say no!
Jerry Seinfeld: [
sighs] Accept.
Jerry Seinfeld: [
Talking about Kramer being lost] What's around you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm looking at Ray's pizza. You know where that is?
Jerry Seinfeld: [
Looks surprised] Is it Famous Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: [
Looks] No, it's just original.
Jerry Seinfeld: [
Looks even more suprised] Famous ORIGINAL Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: It's just original, Jerry!
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what street are you on?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the corner of first, and first. ait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? i must be at the nexus of the universe!
Cosmo Kramer: Boys, I'm retiring!
Jerry Seinfeld: [
Incredulously] From what?
[
Jerry is visiting his parents in Florida; Kramer enters]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in?
[
Kramer goes straight to the refrigerator]
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Cosmo Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, you can't live down here! This is where people come to die.
[
Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld look up in horror]
Jerry Seinfeld: Not you. *Older* people.
Helen Seinfeld: [
slapping a cookie from Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?
Cosmo Kramer: Mmm, that sounds great, Mom.
Jerry Seinfeld: You feed him, he'll never leave.
Cosmo Kramer: We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one must walk among them.
Morty Seinfeld: This is the home stretch - tomorrow's the election!
Cosmo Kramer: Right, yeah. The polls close after dinner: three o'clock. But then, when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of 8:00 p.m.
[
Kramer and FDR hold a wishbone]
Cosmo Kramer: All right, FDR; this wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish: I drop dead. I win: I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred-percent anti-drop-dead protection - forever.
[
Kramer bursts into Newman's birthday party]
Cosmo Kramer: Newman, wait!
Newman: Kramer, I'm with people.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah. And *thanks* for inviting me.
Newman: I did invite you. Your invitation must have gotten...”lost in the mail."
Cosmo Kramer: Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.
George Costanza: "FDR"?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Jerry Seinfeld: Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer: *Evil* eye.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George Costanza: Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Every day is my birthday.
[
"Eleven Years Earlier"]
[
Jerry is moving into his new apartment; Kramer emerges from his, wearing a bathrobe]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld; I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer: You must be Kessler.
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, actually, it's "Kramer."... Uh, do you need any help, or - ?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, thanks. But, I ordered a pizza; you want some of it?
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, no, no; I couldn't impose.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours.
Cosmo Kramer: [
leaning against the door-frame and looking around in wonder] Really?
Cosmo Kramer: [
Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat] This slicer is indomitable.
Jerry: Where did you get that butcher's coat?
Cosmo Kramer: You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything.
Elaine: Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh no, I don't think so.
Elaine: Why not?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you're not checked at on it.
Elaine: What do I have to know?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, where the meat goes?
Elaine: Right there.
Cosmo Kramer: Where do you turn it on?
Elaine: Right there.
Cosmo Kramer: But where does the meat go?
Cosmo Kramer: George, why would I, a Julliard trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?
George Costanza: Because, you're not a dermatologist.
Cosmo Kramer: No bagel, no bagel, no bagel
Cosmo Kramer: So what happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
Cosmo Kramer: That musta been some kind of doll.
Frank Costanza: [
Nods head] She was.
[
Shlomo is playing the Frogger machine outside]
George Costanza: What are you guys doing?
Shlomo: Eat the fly! Eat the fly! Got him!
George Costanza: You idiots! You're gonna wear down the battery.
Slippery Pete: The batteries are fine. We've got... oh, God. Only 3 minutes left.
George Costanza: Quick! Get this thing back in the pizzeria!
Cosmo Kramer: George, they closed up.
George Costanza: I need an outlet!
Slippery Pete: A what?
George Costanza: Holes! I need holes!
Cosmo Kramer: The pharmacy is still open.
George Costanza: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You two, go sweep-talk the pharmacist.
Slippery Pete: You owe me a quarter.
George Costanza: Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Cosmo Kramer: [
as he unwinds the police tape, only one lane long] Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
Jerry Seinfeld: Come on, George, I'll help you push it across.
George Costanza: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Jerry Seinfeld: By yourself?
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[
Kramer points to a broken egg on the floor which is caution taped off with drinking glasses]
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, I'll take care of that later.
Cosmo Kramer: [
after having seen a naked woman across the street, he enters his apartment and exits 30 seconds later with a wad of cash] I'm out!
Jerry Seinfeld: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man, we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.
Elaine Benes: Oh, that is such baloney! I shave my legs.
Cosmo Kramer: [
while eating] Not everyday.
Jerry: Sophie, it's me! I know about the tractor story! And I'm fine with it!
Sophie: How could you know?
Jerry: Shhh! Shhh! But I'm not going to let something like this ruin what could be a meaningful relationship.
Mickey Abbott: [
Kramer and Mickey enter] You gave me gonorrhea and you didn't even tell me!
Cosmo Kramer: I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it!
Mickey Abbott: Well, you should have told me!
Jerry: I'm with somebody!
Sophie: No, I understand! This can be a difficult thing to deal with! But the important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, she's right.
Sophie: But of course, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
Sophie: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it because I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: [
stunned] All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night everybody!
[
leaves]
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That sounds about right.
Cosmo Kramer: They're redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerry: Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is, it's my idea.
Jerry: Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or spending the 200 million you don't have part?
Cosmo Kramer: [
Kramer reading the newspaper after finding out his restaurant idea was taken] 2.9% financing on a Toyota 1-ton! That was my idea too!
Jerry: I love saying "my wife," once I started saying it, I couldn't stop: "my wife this, my wife that." It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Cosmo Kramer: "My wife has an inner-ear infection."
Jerry: See?
Cosmo Kramer: I like that.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey Elaine, whatdya say if neither of us is married in 10 years, you and I get hitched.
Elaine Benes: Make it 50.
Cosmo Kramer: [
to Jerry] We're engaged!
Jerry Seinfeld: Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what is it, then? My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: I'm sure it'll come out.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.
Cosmo Kramer: You're making too much of it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function. Happens to be on my sofa... instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
Cosmo Kramer: Right.
Jerry: [
after a visit from Poppie] K-Kramer, what is this?
Cosmo Kramer: What is what?
Jerry: This puddle on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: What puddle?
Jerry: That puddle!
Cosmo Kramer: ...I don't know.
Jerry: Is it?... Could it?... Could he have?... IT IS!... POPPIE PEED ON MY SOFA!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry: Well, what is it then?... My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: Hey.
George Costanza: You fixed me up with a bald woman!
Cosmo Kramer: [
flinches]
Cosmo Kramer: Bald?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald!
George Costanza: So?
Elaine: [
puts her hands up to her mouth] You're bald!
George Costanza: [
indignantly] No, I'm not!
[
he "beeps" Elaine on the nose]
George Costanza: I... *was* bald.
[
Kramer is cornered in an alley for not wearing the red ribbon at the AIDS walk]
Bob: So, what's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon?
Cosmo Kramer: No! Never!
Bob: But I'm wearing wearing the ribbon.
[
pointing to Cedric]
Bob: He's wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So why aren't *you* going to wear the ribbon?!
Cosmo Kramer: [
yelling] This is America! I don't have to wear anything I don't wanna wear!
Cedric: What are we going to do with him?
Cosmo Kramer: Huh?
Bob: I guess we will just have to teach him to wear the ribbon!
[
Kramer tries to escape up the fire escape, but is dragged down by the other AIDS walkers]
Cosmo Kramer: [
after Jerry tells Kramer he's moving to California] You're moving to California?
Jerry: Yeah!
Cosmo Kramer: But Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years. You might never come back!
Jerry: No, I'll be back.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, it's L.A., nobody leaves. She's a suductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh you're crazy
Jerry Seinfeld: Am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's impossible
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? or is it so possible your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry Seinfeld: It can't be
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Alright that's enough
Cosmo Kramer: Yeaaaaah!
Jerry: [
Watching two paramedics fighting] All this over a Chuckle.
Cosmo Kramer: What's a Chuckle?
Jerry: It's a jelly candy, comes in five flavors.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry Seinfeld: Boy, you can really talk some trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: [
to George] I guess that's better than eating it.
Cosmo Kramer: Well you know they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
Jackie Chiles: Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
Cosmo Kramer: It's definitely preposterous.
Jackie Chiles: So. Then what happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Well I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
Jackie Chiles: Was there a top on it?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah
Jackie Chiles: Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?
Cosmo Kramer: No. They put the top on.
Jackie Chiles: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you?
[
Kramer motions that he did not make the top]
Jackie Chiles: [
to secretary over intercom] Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top.
[
to Kramer]
Jackie Chiles: We're gonna run some test on that top. Have you been to the doctor?
Cosmo Kramer: No. No, I haven't.
Jackie Chiles: Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.
Cosmo Kramer: So, what do you think, Mr. Chiles.
Jackie Chiles: Jackie
Cosmo Kramer: Jackie. I mean, we have a chance?
Jackie Chiles: Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.
Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry,
Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry,
Elaine: [
both laughing] Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: [
entering Jerry's apartment] What's so funny?... wha?
[
repeated line]
Cosmo Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty!
Cosmo Kramer: You'll be the first modern-day pirate, Jerry!
Jerry: But I don't want to be a pirate!
Jackie Chiles: So you're driving in the car, you're with your friend, minding your own business?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: Then what happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Then we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top.
Jackie Chiles: No top? She didn't have a top on?
Cosmo Kramer: No. So I got distracted and I crashed the car.
Jackie Chiles: Well how would you describe this woman? Would you say she was an attractive woman?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh yeah!
Jackie Chiles: So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin' around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions!
Cosmo Kramer: She was flouting.
Jackie Chiles: That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, vesivius, salacious, outrageous!
Cosmo Kramer: It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.
Cosmo Kramer: How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years.
Cosmo Kramer: You got butchered.
Cosmo Kramer: [
talking about Dr. Whatley's dentistry practice in a slurred voice] He's got a new policy. Adults only. It's great. You don't have to watch your language.
Jerry: You feel the need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist?
Cosmo Kramer: When they pull that needle out, I let the ex-ple-tives fly!
Jerry: What happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and I was pitching, and I was really, you know, throwing some smoke! And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man, that guy you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow, Joe Pepitone.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back on the same place, so... I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh yeah! Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know. A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down and, whoa man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
Cosmo Kramer: [
hunched over a massive pile of change] Hey buddy.
Jerry: What the hell is all this?
Cosmo Kramer: It's my change. I need quarters for the dryer.
Jerry: Why can't you do this on your own table?
Cosmo Kramer: Because I don't have a table.
[
Bob and Ray see the armoire Kramer's guarding]
Ray: [
gasps] Look at this!
Bob: It's an antique!
Ray: It's all handmade, and I *love* the inlay!
Bob: Yes, yes! Me too! Ai it's gorgeous, completely! Pick it up.
[
Ray tries to lift the armoire]
Bob: No no! Pick it up from the bottom over there.
Cosmo Kramer: W-W-W-Wait! What are you doing?
Bob: What does it look like we are doing? We're taking this!
Cosmo Kramer: You can't take this! It belongs to a friend of mine!
Bob: Look, you want to get hurt? I don't think you want to get hurt, because if you want to get hurt, I can hurt you! Now just back off!
Ray: Bob...
Bob: Just pick it up!
Cosmo Kramer: What is this, huh?!
Bob: [
yells] You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? We're taking the armoire, and that's all there is to it! Okay?
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: Allow me. Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free, farm fresh eggs.
Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
George Costanza: You're a good friend. If you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.
[
leaves]
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You're kidding?
Cosmo Kramer: No, no, I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe you're a friend of mine.
Cosmo Kramer: What kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Cosmo Kramer: I thought I DID!
Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.
Jerry Seinfeld: [
Kramer puts on his new helmet he just traded for] Does that thing work?
Cosmo Kramer: [
almost before Jerry is even finished] Nah.
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[
George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[
George Nods]
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?
Boss: Is there a problem here?
Cosmo Kramer: Ho ho ho ho.
Kid: This guy's a Commie. He's spreading propoganda.
Cosmo Kramer: I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but - - you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel anxious, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, 'cause I'm a pod.
Jerry: [
Jerry shrugs in agreement]
Cosmo Kramer: Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that
[
Kramer shows newspaper]
Cosmo Kramer: <-remove blank quote.
Jerry Seinfeld: What now?
[
Jerry reads newspaper]
Jerry Seinfeld: . Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital... Yeah, so?
Cosmo Kramer: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
Elaine Benes: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
Cosmo Kramer: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry Seinfeld: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George Costanza: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Jerry Seinfeld: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.
Jerry: [
Sarcastically] Kramer, I love you.
Cosmo Kramer: [
Without missing a beat] I love you too, buddy!
Elaine Benes: Kramer, what is wrong with you?
Cosmo Kramer: What do you mean?
Elaine Benes: Well, for starters, you're lookin' at note cards...
[
Kramer accidentally lights the Puerto Rican flag on fire and tries to stomp it out]
Man: [
yells] Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!
Bob: [
yells] Who? Who is burning the flag?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, no.
Bob: [
yells] Him?!
Cedric: That's not very nice.
Cosmo Kramer: It was an accident.
Bob: Do you know what day this is? Because *I* know what day this is, *they* know what day this is, so I was wondering
[
yells]
Bob: if you know what day this is!
Cedric: Because it's Puerto Rican Day!
