Cosmo Kramer
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Cosmo Kramer (Character)
from "Seinfeld" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Seinfeld: The Maid (#9.19)" (1998)
Jerry: Hello?
Operator: You hve a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy,don't say no!
Jerry: Accept.

Jerry: Well,where are you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of first, and first. Wait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!

Jerry Seinfeld: [phone rings] Hello?
Operator: [Elaine points to door, and Jerry shoos her off] You have a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy, don't say no!
Jerry Seinfeld: [sighs] Accept.

Jerry Seinfeld: [Talking about Kramer being lost] What's around you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm looking at Ray's pizza. You know where that is?
Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks surprised] Is it Famous Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: [Looks] No, it's just original.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks even more suprised] Famous ORIGINAL Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: It's just original, Jerry!

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what street are you on?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the corner of first, and first. ait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? i must be at the nexus of the universe!


"Seinfeld: The Wizard (#9.15)" (1998)
Cosmo Kramer: Boys, I'm retiring!
Jerry Seinfeld: [Incredulously] From what?

[Jerry is visiting his parents in Florida; Kramer enters]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in?
[Kramer goes straight to the refrigerator]
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Cosmo Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, you can't live down here! This is where people come to die.
[Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld look up in horror]
Jerry Seinfeld: Not you. *Older* people.

Helen Seinfeld: [slapping a cookie from Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?
Cosmo Kramer: Mmm, that sounds great, Mom.
Jerry Seinfeld: You feed him, he'll never leave.

Cosmo Kramer: We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one must walk among them.

Morty Seinfeld: This is the home stretch - tomorrow's the election!
Cosmo Kramer: Right, yeah. The polls close after dinner: three o'clock. But then, when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of 8:00 p.m.


"Seinfeld: The Bookstore (#9.17)" (1998)
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Sarcastically] Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.
[George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his way in]
Cosmo Kramer: Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.
Jerry Seinfeld: She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?
Cosmo Kramer: [Remembering] No, that wasn't dancing.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Pointing] Hey, there's Leo.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh? Who's Leo?
Jerry Seinfeld: Uncle Leo!
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name...

Cosmo Kramer: [to Newman] See, we should've gotten some collateral from him... Like his bag of cans, or... his other bag of cans.
Newman: We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.
[Newman and Kramer both go to leave]
Jerry Seinfeld: To the Idiotmobile!

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, check this out. Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well, we're gonna make it happen!
Jerry: No, you're not.
Cosmo Kramer: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
Jerry: No, he doesn't.
Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!
Jerry: Yes, it can.
Cosmo Kramer: We'll start out with one, and then when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet.
Newman: It's the romance of the Hansom Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.
Jerry: So, who's gonna pull this thing?
Cosmo Kramer: [Perplexed, to Newman] . Well, I just assumed you would.
Newman: [to Kramer] Yeah, but I thought...
Cosmo Kramer: Di-di-di-di... No
Jerry: My, isn't this an awkward moment.
Cosmo Kramer: [Thinking] What about the homeless?
Newman: Can't we worry about them later?
Cosmo Kramer: To pull the rickshaw.
Newman: They do have an intimate knowledge of the streets...
Cosmo Kramer: They're always just walking around the city. Why not just strap something to them?
Jerry: Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, check this out. Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well, we're gonna make it happen!
George Costanza: No, you're not.
Cosmo Kramer: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
George Costanza: No, he doesn't.
Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!
George Costanza: Yes, it can.
Cosmo Kramer: We'll start out with one, and then when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet.
Newman: It's the romance of the Hansom Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.
George Costanza: So, who's gonna pull this thing?
Cosmo Kramer: [Perplexed, to Newman] . Well, I just assumed you would.
Newman: [to Kramer] Yeah, but I thought...
Cosmo Kramer: Di-di-di-di... No
George Costanza: My, isn't this an awkward moment.
Cosmo Kramer: [Thinking] What about the homeless?
Newman: Can't we worry about them later?
Cosmo Kramer: To pull the rickshaw.
Newman: They do have an intimate knowledge of the streets...
Cosmo Kramer: They're always just walking around the city. Why not just strap something to them?
George Costanza: Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.


"Seinfeld: The Betrayal (#9.8)" (1997)
[Kramer and FDR hold a wishbone]
Cosmo Kramer: All right, FDR; this wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish: I drop dead. I win: I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred-percent anti-drop-dead protection - forever.

[Kramer bursts into Newman's birthday party]
Cosmo Kramer: Newman, wait!
Newman: Kramer, I'm with people.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah. And *thanks* for inviting me.
Newman: I did invite you. Your invitation must have gotten..."lost in the mail."

Cosmo Kramer: Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.
George Costanza: "FDR"?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Jerry Seinfeld: Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer: *Evil* eye.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George Costanza: Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Every day is my birthday.

["Eleven Years Earlier"]
[Jerry is moving into his new apartment; Kramer emerges from his, wearing a bathrobe]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld; I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer: You must be Kessler.
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, actually, it's "Kramer."... Uh, do you need any help, or - ?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, thanks. But, I ordered a pizza; you want some of it?
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, no, no; I couldn't impose.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours.
Cosmo Kramer: [leaning against the door-frame and looking around in wonder] Really?


"Seinfeld: The Little Jerry (#8.11)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: Allow me. Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free, farm fresh eggs.
Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?

Jerry: George is dating a prisoner.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, what's she in for?
George Costanza: Embezzlement.
Cosmo Kramer: Sounds like a nice girl.

Jerry: [getting ready of cock fight] Look at the size of his bird.
Cosmo Kramer: That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.

Jerry: Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.
Cosmo Kramer: Only in the United States.


"Seinfeld: The Slicer (#9.7)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat] This slicer is indomitable.
Jerry: Where did you get that butcher's coat?
Cosmo Kramer: You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything.

Elaine: Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh no, I don't think so.
Elaine: Why not?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you're not checked at on it.
Elaine: What do I have to know?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, where the meat goes?
Elaine: Right there.
Cosmo Kramer: Where do you turn it on?
Elaine: Right there.
Cosmo Kramer: But where does the meat go?

Cosmo Kramer: George, why would I, a Julliard trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?
George Costanza: Because, you're not a dermatologist.

Cosmo Kramer: That's a lot of potatoes.


"Seinfeld: The Wait Out (#7.21)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, uh... what'd you get there?
Cosmo Kramer: I bought Dungarees.
Elaine Benes: Kramer, they're painted on!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, they're slim-fit.
Jerry Seinfeld: Slim-fit?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, they're streamlined.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
Cosmo Kramer: What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all.

Policeman: So chasing little kids huh? You're in a lot of trouble mister.
Cosmo Kramer: No no look, I was baby-sitting
Policeman: Ya ya right. Sit down!
[Kramer looks at the chair, then the police officer]
Policeman: What are you deaf? I said sit down!
[Kramer struggles to sit down in the chair]
Policeman: , for the last time, SIT DOWN!.

Mickey: So, Bradley. I guess this is the last place you expected to find yourself.
[Kramer takes a deep breath]
Mickey: Well we're gonna be here a while so take a seat.
[Kramer is struggling to sit down in the chair, while Mickey has his back turned with a pack of cigarettes]
Mickey: You know if it hadn't been for that secretary of yours... I said sit down!
[Kramer is still struggling to sit down, and a frustrated Mickey throws the pack of cigarettes to the floor]
Cosmo Kramer: [under his breath, which is hard to make out] I'm trying!
Mickey: Bradley!, it's very important that you sit down.
[Kramer is still struggling to sit down]
Mickey: Now for the last time, try again to SIT DOWN!
Mickey: [running] Sit down, you big stupid ape!
[Mickey angrily lunges at Kramer, tackling him to the floor]


"Seinfeld: The Caddy (#7.12)" (1996)
Jackie Chiles: So you're driving in the car, you're with your friend, minding your own business?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: Then what happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Then we saw this woman, and she was wearing a bra with no top.
Jackie Chiles: No top? She didn't have a top on?
Cosmo Kramer: No. So I got distracted and I crashed the car.
Jackie Chiles: Well how would you describe this woman? Would you say she was an attractive woman?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh yeah!
Jackie Chiles: So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin' around in broad daylight. She's flouting society's conventions!
Cosmo Kramer: She was flouting.
Jackie Chiles: That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!
Cosmo Kramer: It was outrageous. And she's the heir to the O'Henry candy bar fortune.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, what're ya up to?
Cosmo Kramer: Nothin'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Wanna go up to the Bronx and see if there's any flyers on George's car...
Cosmo Kramer: [eagerly] Sure!
Jerry Seinfeld: Guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I?
Cosmo Kramer: Yup.

Cosmo Kramer: What do you think, Stan?
Stan: Let's go for the green! You know a good lawyer?


"Seinfeld: The Voice (#9.2)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: They're redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerry: Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is, it's my idea.
Jerry: Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or spending the 200 million you don't have part?

Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer reading the newspaper after finding out his restaurant idea was taken] 2.9% financing on a Toyota 1-ton! That was my idea too!

Cosmo Kramer: You know Darin, if you had told me 25 years ago that someday, I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would have said you're crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window!


"Seinfeld: The Understudy (#6.23)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: [has just learned Jerry's girlfriend is Bette Midler's understudy in the Rochelly, Rochelle musical] Understudys, now they're a shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm glad that she's an understudy. This way I avoid having to go backstage and think of something to say.
George Costanza: Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink, then it's a real problem.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just once I'd like to tell someone they stink. 'Ya know what? I didn't like the show, I didn't like you, ya just really stunk. The whole thing: really bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.'

Elaine Benes: I'm telling you Jerry, I have a sneaking suspicion the women at the nail parlour were talking about me. I think they've been calling me a dog.
Jerry Seinfeld: How would you know? You don't speak Korean.
Elaine Benes: Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby calls the dog the same word they were saying when they were pointing at me.
Cosmo Kramer: Ya know, maybe in Korea, dog isn't an insult. It could be like the word fox to us. 'Oh, she's a dog.'

Cosmo Kramer: [to Gennice] So, my dear, you think you can get to Broadway? Well, let me tell you something, Broadway has no room for people like you. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway takes people like you and eats them up and spits them out. My Broadway's the Broadway of Merman and Martin and Fontaine, and if you think you can build yourself up by knocking other people down, well good luck!


"Seinfeld: The Postponement (#7.2)" (1995)
George Costanza: [to Jerry] You're a good friend. If you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.
[George leaves]
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You're kidding!
Cosmo Kramer: No, no. I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're supposed to be a friend of mine!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Cosmo Kramer: I thought I did!

Jerry: So, you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Jerry: Another caffè latte?
Cosmo Kramer: You better believe it.
Jerry: Since when are you so trendy?
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, baby, I set the trends! Who do you think started this whole caffè latte?
Jerry: I don't recall you drinking caffè lattes.
Cosmo Kramer: I've been drinking caffè lattes since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.


"Seinfeld: The Couch (#6.5)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what is it, then? My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: I'm sure it'll come out.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.
Cosmo Kramer: You're making too much of it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function. Happens to be on my sofa... instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
Cosmo Kramer: Right.

Jerry: [after a visit from Poppie] K-Kramer, what is this?
Cosmo Kramer: What is what?
Jerry: This puddle on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: What puddle?
Jerry: That puddle!
Cosmo Kramer: ...I don't know.
Jerry: Is it?... Could it?... Could he have?... IT IS!... POPPIE PEED ON MY SOFA!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry: Well, what is it then?... My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!

Cosmo Kramer: [puts the dough on the counter] Alright, put a little sauce on here...
[speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around]
Cosmo Kramer: Some cheese...
Poppie: Not too much!
Cosmo Kramer: And... cucumbers!
[Grabs a large handful and puts them on the pizza]
Poppie: Wait a second... what is that?
Cosmo Kramer: It's cucumbers.
Poppie: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
Poppie: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
Cosmo Kramer: But that's the idea, you make your own pie.
Poppie: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!
Cosmo Kramer: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
Poppie: Because it's a pizza!
Cosmo Kramer: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
Poppie: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!
Cosmo Kramer: No, it isn't!


"Seinfeld: The Fire (#5.19)" (1994)
George Costanza: [in amazement at Kramer's bus story] You're Batman.
Kramer: Yeah, I am Batman.

Jerry Seinfeld: You kept making all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.

Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!


"Seinfeld: The Soup (#6.7)" (1994)
Kramer: What, you're giving him this suit?
Kenny: That's right, and it's an Armani.
Kramer: Armani? Hey, Armani, Jerry.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, yes, I heard.
Kramer: Come on, try it on.
Jerry Seinfeld: No, it's okay.
Kramer: Come on, I want to see how it fits.
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, all right.
Kramer: There you go.
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, yeah, all right.
Kramer: Oh boy, that looks great. I can't believe you're giving him this.
Kenny: I don't even want anything for it.
Kramer: He's very generous, isn't he?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, yes, he is.
Kenny: I'll tell you what - you can take me out to dinner some time.
Jerry Seinfeld: [in tones of dread] Dinner?
Kenny: Yeah. You buy me a meal - you can't get a better deal than that.
Kramer: No, you'll never get a better deal than that!

Kramer: All right, ooh, look at that Armani, huh? Yeah.
[Jerry takes the jacket off and throws it onto the table]
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, that's a deal. That's a horrible deal. I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I'd rather make my own suit.
George Costanza: [entering Jerry's apartment] I did it! It's all done!
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey!
[raises hands into "fists of encouragement"]
George Costanza: I did it. Hunh. We're going out as soon as she gets off of work and it'll still be daytime. You know I, I'm much better in the daytime than I am at night. It's less pressure.
Jerry Seinfeld: I love the day date. No wine, no shower.

Kramer: And I got a date with that waitress that works at Reggie's.
Jerry Seinfeld: [thinking of George's date with waitress Kelly] Boy, if I could meet a hostess, we could open up our own place.


"Seinfeld: The Blood (#9.4)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, you got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.
Jerry Seinfeld: Noooooo.

Cosmo Kramer: No, no. I'll catch you tonight. We'll do an all over kind of thing.

Jerry Seinfeld: [Jerry finds Kramer and Newman in his apartment] What is this?
Cosmo Kramer: We're making sausages!
Jerry Seinfeld: I thought you were going to watch a video.
Cosmo Kramer: An instructional video on how to make your own sausages!


"Seinfeld: The Stall (#5.12)" (1994)
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain. It's her! I'm telling you it's her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry Seinfeld: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Alright that's enough.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeaaaaah!

Jane: I going uptown too, wanna split a cab?
Cosmo Kramer: What about the driver?
Jane: What?


"Seinfeld: The Lip Reader (#5.6)" (1993)
Kramer: Jerry, do me a favor. Next time you see that lineswoman, ask her how ball boys get that job. I'd love to do that.
Jerry Seinfeld: I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity- It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men.

George Costanza: All right. All right. What, what are they saying?
[the gang eavesdrops on Gwen and Todd's conversation with Laura watching, reading their lips, signs, and Kramer translating her sign language]
Kramer: [translating] Hi, Gwen. High tide.
Jerry Seinfeld: High tide?
Kramer: Hi Todd.
[translating]
Kramer: You got something in between your teeth.
George Costanza: Where?
Kramer: No, that's what he said.
[translating]
Kramer: That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup.
[to George]
Kramer: So do I, huh?
Elaine Benes: [to Jerry] So wild! Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, if I lend her to you, I have to lend her to everybody.
Gwen: I don't envy you, Todd. This place is gonna be a mess.
Todd: Well, maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together.
Kramer: [translating] Why don't stick around and we could *sleep* together?
George Costanza: [shocked] What?
Kramer: [translating] You want me to sleep with you?
Todd: I don't wanna sweep alone.
Kramer: [translating] He says, "I don't wanna sleep alone." And she says, "Oh, boy. Love to."
George Costanza: [becoming mad] All right. That's it.
[walks over to them]
George Costanza: So, you get rid of me and now the two of you are gonna sleep together?
Gwen: What? You're crazy!
Kramer: [while translating to Jerry and Elaine] What? You're crazy.
George Costanza: I heard your whole conversation.
Gwen: How?
[George looks the other way as Laura signs it]
Kramer: [translates] How?
George Costanza: I can read lips. You said, "let's sleep together."
Gwen: No, I didn't! I said "sweep." Let's sweep together, you know, like with a
[while Kramer translates it to Jerry and Elaine]
Gwen: broom, cleaning up?
George Costanza: Sweep?
Kramer, Gwen: Yes. Sweep.


"Seinfeld: The Strike (#9.10)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: No bagel, no bagel, no bagel

Cosmo Kramer: So what happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
Cosmo Kramer: That musta been some kind of doll.
Frank Costanza: [Nods head] She was.


"Seinfeld: The Frogger (#9.18)" (1998)
[Shlomo is playing the Frogger machine outside]
George Costanza: What are you guys doing?
Shlomo: Eat the fly! Eat the fly! Got him!
George Costanza: You idiots! You're gonna wear down the battery.
Slippery Pete: The batteries are fine. We've got... oh, God. Only 3 minutes left.
George Costanza: Quick! Get this thing back in the pizzeria!
Cosmo Kramer: George, they closed up.
George Costanza: I need an outlet!
Slippery Pete: A what?
George Costanza: Holes! I need holes!
Cosmo Kramer: The pharmacy is still open.
George Costanza: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You two, go sweep-talk the pharmacist.
Slippery Pete: You owe me a quarter.
George Costanza: Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Cosmo Kramer: [as he unwinds the police tape, only one lane long] Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
Jerry Seinfeld: Come on, George, I'll help you push it across.
George Costanza: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Jerry Seinfeld: By yourself?
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.

[Kramer points to a broken egg on the floor which is caution taped off with drinking glasses]
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, I'll take care of that later.


"Seinfeld: The Contest (#4.11)" (1992)
Cosmo Kramer: [after having seen a naked woman across the street, he enters his apartment and exits 30 seconds later with a wad of cash] I'm out!

Jerry Seinfeld: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man, we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.
Elaine Benes: Oh, that is such baloney! I shave my legs.
Cosmo Kramer: [while eating] Not everyday.


"Seinfeld: The Burning (#9.16)" (1998)
Jerry: Sophie, it's me! I know about the tractor story! And I'm fine with it!
Sophie: How could you know?
Jerry: Shhh! Shhh! But I'm not going to let something like this ruin what could be a meaningful relationship.
Mickey Abbott: [Kramer and Mickey enter] You gave me gonorrhea and you didn't even tell me!
Cosmo Kramer: I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it!
Mickey Abbott: Well, you should have told me!
Jerry: I'm with somebody!
Sophie: No, I understand! This can be a difficult thing to deal with! But the important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, she's right.
Sophie: But of course, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
Sophie: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it because I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: [stunned] All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night everybody!
[leaves]

Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That sounds about right.


"Seinfeld: The Wife (#5.17)" (1994)
Jerry: I love saying "my wife," once I started saying it, I couldn't stop: "my wife this, my wife that." It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Cosmo Kramer: "My wife has an inner-ear infection."
Jerry: See?
Cosmo Kramer: I like that.

Cosmo Kramer: Hey Elaine, whatdya say if neither of us is married in 10 years, you and I get hitched.
Elaine Benes: Make it 50.
Cosmo Kramer: [to Jerry] We're engaged!


"Seinfeld: The Junior Mint (#4.20)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.

Doctor: You know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but I think there were other factors at play here.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps... from above.
Cosmo Kramer: [pulls a box of Junior Mints from his jacket] Mint?
Doctor: Those can be very refreshing.


"Seinfeld: The Nap (#8.18)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
Jerry: What is that smell?
Cosmo Kramer: That's East River.
Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Cosmo Kramer: Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
Jerry: How could you swim in that water?
Cosmo Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Jerry: Swimming?
Cosmo Kramer: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.

Cosmo Kramer: Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
George Costanza: What is that smell?
Cosmo Kramer: That's East River.
George Costanza: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Cosmo Kramer: Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
George Costanza: How could you swim in that water?
Cosmo Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
George Costanza: Swimming?
Cosmo Kramer: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.


"Seinfeld: The Bris (#5.5)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that
[Kramer shows newspaper]
Cosmo Kramer: <-remove blank quote.
Jerry Seinfeld: What now?
[Jerry reads newspaper]
Jerry Seinfeld: . Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital... Yeah, so?
Cosmo Kramer: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
Elaine Benes: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
Cosmo Kramer: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry Seinfeld: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George Costanza: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Jerry Seinfeld: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.

Jerry Seinfeld: I don't see any pig-men I see human, human, human... Wait a second
Cosmo Kramer: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, it's George.


"Seinfeld: The Serenity Now (#9.3)" (1997)
Jerry: [Sarcastically] Kramer, I love you.
Cosmo Kramer: [Without missing a beat] I love you too, buddy!

[Kramer has just taken his built-up anger out on the computers George intended to return]
George Costanza: Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Whyyyyy did you have to destroy twenty-five computers?
Cosmo Kramer: [eating an orange] George, you listen to me. I owe you one.


"Seinfeld: The Merv Griffin Show (#9.6)" (1997)
Elaine Benes: Kramer, what is wrong with you?
Cosmo Kramer: What do you mean?
Elaine Benes: Well, for starters, you're lookin' at note cards...

George Costanza: [George and Jerry are seated as guests on "The Merv Griffin Show"] So, they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
Cosmo Kramer: El Paso, I spent a month there one night.
Newman: [laughing hard] El Paso!
Jerry Seinfeld: What's he here for?
Cosmo Kramer: He takes some of the pressure off of me. So Jerry what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. Hmmm
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually it's kind of a funny story.She has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.
Cosmo Kramer: Well it sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?
Newman: Are you married right now?
[Kramer slaps Newman]
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out.
Cosmo Kramer: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love.
George Costanza: Ah come on! You got to get me over there!
Cosmo Kramer: Wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?
[to Newman]
Cosmo Kramer: Could we pause a moment?
[Newman turns on "commercial break music"]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business but when your on my set, you clean it up mister!
Newman: I told you he was a risk.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh like he's not just carrying you and has been for years!
Newman: Yeah? Well you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs.
[Kramer mediates]
Cosmo Kramer: ["Commercial music" ends] Smile everyone we're back.


"Seinfeld: The Beard (#6.15)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: Hey.
George Costanza: You fixed me up with a bald woman!
Cosmo Kramer: [flinches]
Cosmo Kramer: Bald?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald!
George Costanza: So?
Elaine: [puts her hands up to her mouth] You're bald!
George Costanza: [indignantly] No, I'm not!
[he "beeps" Elaine on the nose]
George Costanza: I... *was* bald.


"Seinfeld: The Sponge (#7.9)" (1995)
[Kramer is cornered in an alley for not wearing the red ribbon at the AIDS walk]
Bob: So, what's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon?
Cosmo Kramer: No! Never!
Bob: But I'm wearing wearing the ribbon.
[points to Cedric]
Bob: He's wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So why aren't *you* going to wear the ribbon?
Cosmo Kramer: [yelling] This is America! I don't have to wear anything I don't wanna wear!
Cedric: What are we going to do with him?
Cosmo Kramer: Huh?
Bob: I guess we will just have to teach him to wear the ribbon!
[Kramer to escape up the fire escape, but is dragged down by the other AIDS walkers]


"Seinfeld: The Finale (#9.22)" (1998)
Cosmo Kramer: [after Jerry tells Kramer he's moving to California] You're moving to California?
Jerry: Yeah!
Cosmo Kramer: But Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years. You might never come back!
Jerry: No, I'll be back.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, it's L.A., nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.


"Seinfeld: The Muffin Tops (#8.21)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: Well women do it. I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just *sashey* your pretty little self around the town square.


"Seinfeld: The Scofflaw (#6.13)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: You look like a pirate
Cosmo Kramer: I want to be a pirate


"Seinfeld: The Heart Attack (#2.8)" (1991)
Jerry: [Watching two paramedics fighting] All this over a Chuckle.
Cosmo Kramer: What's a Chuckle?
Jerry: It's a jelly candy, comes in five flavors.


"Seinfeld: The Face Painter (#6.22)" (1995)
Mr. Pless: Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.
Cosmo Kramer: So am I.


"Seinfeld: The Gymnast (#6.6)" (1994)
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry Seinfeld: Boy, you can really talk some trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] I guess that's better than eating it.


"Seinfeld: The Abstinence (#8.9)" (1996)
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry Seinfeld: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.


"Seinfeld: The Maestro (#7.3)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: Well you know they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
Jackie Chiles: Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
Cosmo Kramer: It's definitely preposterous.
Jackie Chiles: So. Then what happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Well I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
Jackie Chiles: Was there a top on it?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah
Jackie Chiles: Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?
Cosmo Kramer: No. They put the top on.
Jackie Chiles: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you?
[Kramer motions that he did not make the top]
Jackie Chiles: [to secretary over intercom] Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top.
[to Kramer]
Jackie Chiles: We're gonna run some test on that top. Have you been to the doctor?
Cosmo Kramer: No. No, I haven't.
Jackie Chiles: Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.
Cosmo Kramer: So, what do you think, Mr. Chiles.
Jackie Chiles: Jackie
Cosmo Kramer: Jackie. I mean, we have a chance?
Jackie Chiles: Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.


"Seinfeld: The Switch (#6.11)" (1995)
Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: [both laughing] Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: [entering Jerry's apartment] What's so funny?... wha?


"Seinfeld: The Library (#3.5)" (1991)
Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me.
Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship... spinster... maybe a virgin... maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: And eventually a little shot of penicillin.


"Seinfeld: The Alternate Side (#3.11)" (1991)
[repeated line]
Cosmo Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty!


"Seinfeld: The Suicide (#3.15)" (1992)
Cosmo Kramer: So what's going on between you and Gina?
Jerry: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. So we're in the room, and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
Cosmo Kramer: See, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what'd you do?
Jerry: Nothing.
Cosmo Kramer: What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?


"Seinfeld: The Wig Master (#7.18)" (1996)
Police Officer: [taking Kramer's mugshot] I said turn, pimp.
Cosmo Kramer: [heavily sobbing] I'm not a pimp!


"Seinfeld: The Shower Head (#7.15)" (1996)
Cosmo Kramer: All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Jerry Seinfeld: Not from the footage I've seen.


"Seinfeld: The Puffy Shirt (#5.2)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate!
Jerry Seinfeld: But I don't want to be a pirate!


"Seinfeld: The Invitations (#7.22)" (1996)
George Costanza: She's, uh... gone.
Jerry Seinfeld: Dead?
Elaine Benes: I'm... so sorry George?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, me too.
Cosmo Kramer: Poor Lilly.


"Seinfeld: The Opposite (#5.21)" (1994)
Elaine Benes: [Closing scene at Monk's. Elaine is telling Jerry and Kramer how, by eating Jujyfruits, she couldn't tell Mr. Lippman to take his handkerchief. Because he didn't have it after he sneezed, he didn't shake hands with the Japanese businessmen who were going to buy Pendant Publishing, which led to them not going through with the merger] I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
Jerry Seinfeld: Why'd you have to eat so many?
Elaine Benes: Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
Kramer: Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose?
Elaine Benes: Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't say that.
Elaine Benes: It's true. I'm George! I'm George!


"Seinfeld: The Tape (#3.8)" (1991)
Kramer: How often do you cut your toe nails?
Jerry Seinfeld: I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.
Kramer: 'cause the other night, you know, I was sleeping with Marion, I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe.


"Seinfeld: The Susie (#8.15)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's a rental but I've had it for fifteen years.


"Seinfeld: The Chaperone (#6.1)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants. You want to go?
Kramer: What state?
Jerry Seinfeld: Rhode Island.
Kramer: They're never in contention.


"Seinfeld: The Pony Remark (#2.2)" (1991)
Cosmo Kramer: What, you don't think I can, huh?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no, it's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't and I'm positive that you won't.


"Seinfeld: The Seven (#7.13)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge?
Cosmo Kramer: No, that's yours. My half is gone.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef?
Jerry Seinfeld: You cannot buy half a can of soda.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: That is the sound of you buying a whole can.


"Seinfeld: The Robbery (#1.2)" (1990)
Kramer: How could you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because, I spent all my money on the Clapco D29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw: the door
[closes door]
Jerry: MUST BE CLOSED!


"Seinfeld: The Nose Job (#3.9)" (1991)
Cosmo Kramer: You got butchered.


"Seinfeld: The Little Kicks (#8.4)" (1996)
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you did him a favor. He probably wants to come up and thank you.
Jerry: What if I didn't do it right?
Cosmo Kramer: It's your first time. He'll understand.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.


"Seinfeld: The Jimmy (#6.18)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: [talking about Dr. Whatley's dentistry practice in a slurred voice] He's got a new policy. Adults only. It's great. You don't have to watch your language.
Jerry: You feel the need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist?
Cosmo Kramer: When they pull that needle out, I let the ex-ple-tives fly!


"Seinfeld: The Visa (#4.15)" (1993)
Jerry: What happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and I was pitching, and I was really, you know, throwing some smoke! And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man, that guy you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow, Joe Pepitone.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back on the same place, so... I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh yeah! Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know. A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down and, whoa man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.


"Seinfeld: The Calzone (#7.19)" (1996)
Cosmo Kramer: [hunched over a massive pile of change] Hey buddy.
Jerry: What the hell is all this?
Cosmo Kramer: It's my change. I need quarters for the dryer.
Jerry: Why can't you do this on your own table?
Cosmo Kramer: Because I don't have a table.


"Seinfeld: The Soup Nazi (#7.6)" (1995)
[Bob and Ray see the armoire Kramer's guarding]
Ray: [gasps] Look at this!
Bob: It's an antique!
Ray: It's all handmade, and I *love* the inlay!
Bob: Yes, yes! Me too! Ai it's gorgeous, completely! Pick it up.
[Ray tries to lift the armoire]
Bob: No no! Pick it up from the bottom over there.
Cosmo Kramer: W-W-W-Wait! What are you doing?
Bob: What does it look like we are doing? We're taking this!
Cosmo Kramer: You can't take this! It belongs to a friend of mine!
Bob: Look, you want to get hurt? I don't think you want to get hurt, because if you want to get hurt, I can hurt you! Now just back off!
Ray: Bob...
Bob: Just pick it up!
Cosmo Kramer: What is this, huh?!
Bob: [yells] You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? We're taking the armoire, and that's all there is to it! Okay?


"Seinfeld: Male Unbonding (#1.3)" (1990)
Kramer: Hey, you missed a great game tonight Buddy.
Jerry Seinfeld: Game?
Kramer: Knick game! Horneck took me. We're sitting two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by *sweat*!


"Seinfeld: The Pitch (#4.3)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: [after Newman leaves with Kramer's radar detector] Does that thing work?
Cosmo Kramer: [almost before Jerry is even finished] Nah.


"Seinfeld: The Strongbox (#9.14)" (1998)
Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Well, would you look at that. I guess I forgot to lock it.
Jerry Seinfeld: You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry? Reeeally one for the books!


"Seinfeld: The Pie (#5.15)" (1994)
George Costanza: Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.
Kramer: Heh, is that Elaine mannequin still there?
George Costanza: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah!
George Costanza: The last time I saw her... she was naked.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, Poppie's got problems.


"Seinfeld: The Marine Biologist (#5.14)" (1994)
[last lines]
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
George: [reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George Nods]
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?
Jerry: Well, the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh yes they did Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.


"Seinfeld: The Stranded (#3.10)" (1991)
Steve: So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call?
Kramer: Not really.
Steve: Maybe we should call one of those escort services. I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station.
Kramer: [Kramer hands Steve the phone] 555-LOVE.
Steve: Hey, you want in on this?
Kramer: No, I got a girl in the next building


"Seinfeld: The Dinner Party (#5.13)" (1994)
Kramer: [yelling at the oncoming traffic] Hey, your lights are on!
George Costanza: [angrily but under his breath] It's a funeral procession...


"Seinfeld: The Race (#6.10)" (1994)
Boss: Is there a problem here?
Cosmo Kramer: Ho ho ho ho.
Kid: This guy's a Commie. He's spreading propoganda.


"Seinfeld: The Apartment (#2.5)" (1991)
Cosmo Kramer: I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but - - you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel anxious, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, 'cause I'm a pod.
Jerry: [Jerry shrugs in agreement]


"Seinfeld: The Puerto Rican Day (#9.20)" (1998)
[Kramer accidentally lights the Puerto Rican flag on fire and tries to stomp it out]
Man: [yells] Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!
Cedric: That's not very nice.
Cosmo Kramer: It was an accident.
Bob: Do you know what day this is? Because *I* know what day this is, *they* know what day this is, so I was wondering
[yells]
Bob: if you know what day this is!
Cedric: Because it's Puerto Rican Day!