George Costanza
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Quotes for
George Costanza (Character)
from "Seinfeld" (1989)

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"Seinfeld: The Betrayal (#9.8)" (1997)
George Costanza: So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what?
Elaine Benes: George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
George Costanza: Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.

George Costanza: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!

George Costanza: You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the *entire time* we were in India!

Nina Stengle: And by the way, you can take off those boots: Everyone knows you're five-six.
George Costanza: Five-eight!... Five-seven...

Nina Stengle: George, I've used the bathroom; it's fine.
George Costanza: No, no, no, no - I can walk it off. It's 120 degrees in here: I'll sweat it out.

Elaine Benes: Hey, are those Timberlands... painted black?
George Costanza: Is your nose pierced?

Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!
George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.

[at Sue Ellen's wedding, just before the ceremony is to begin]
Elaine Benes: [whispering] Would you grow up, George? What is the difference? Nina slept with him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares; it's all ancient history.
George Costanza: [loudly] You slept with the groom?

Nina Stengle: George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you?
George Costanza: No.
George Costanza: I'm gonna wear black shoes.

George Costanza: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Coach to India: only way to go.

George Costanza: Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina?
Elaine Benes: Nina? Nina? Nope. Sh... Not weird, no, Nina.
George Costanza: Why do you keep saying "Nina"?
Elaine Benes: I don't know.
Elaine Benes: "Nina." "Nina!"... I'm gonna go grab a bite.

Cosmo Kramer: Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.
George Costanza: "FDR"?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Jerry Seinfeld: Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer: *Evil* eye.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George Costanza: Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Every day is my birthday.

Elaine Benes: Hey, are you gettin' taller?
George Costanza: Timberlands.

[discussing why Jerry and Nina never dated]
Jerry Seinfeld: We were too compatible. Our conversations were so engrossing.
George Costanza: How engrossing?
Jerry Seinfeld: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.
George Costanza: [chuckles with surprise, then shows worry] You don't, uh, have a replacement lined up for me, do you?
[continues chuckling]
George Costanza: [Jerry chuckles knowingly and smiles]
Jerry Seinfeld: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses - I need an awkward pause.
George Costanza: I'm all awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.

George Costanza: Wait a minute - Nina just saw me in my Timberlands. Now, I have to wear them every time I see her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
George Costanza: In any other shoe, I lose two inches; I can't have a drop-down. We were eye-to-eye; I can't go eye-to-chin.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?
George Costanza: In every situation, no matter how silly I look.

"Seinfeld: The Wizard (#9.15)" (1998)
George Costanza: [folding the newspaper he was reading] When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner?

George Costanza: What's that?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
George Costanza: How much was it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
George Costanza: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Jerry Seinfeld: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.

George Costanza: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Jerry Seinfeld: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?
George Costanza: At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.

Mrs. Ross: George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.
George Costanza: Oh, I just, uh, leased a house, out in the Hamptons, and I've *got* to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.
Mrs. Ross: Thank you for calling, George.
[she moves to hang up the phone]
George Costanza: Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh, uh, okay, I gotta go.

[George is on the telephone]
George Costanza: Uh, Mrs. Ross, it's - it's George.
Mrs. Ross: Who?
George Costanza: George Costanza, Susan's, uh, friend?... Long time, no speak.

[Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross]
Jerry Seinfeld: House in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

[George comes upon Mr. and Mrs. Ross]
George Costanza: Rosses.
Mr. Ross: George, we were just talking about you.
George Costanza: [nervously] Oh...
[more confidently]
George Costanza: Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing, but this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.
Mrs. Ross: [falsely interested] Really?
George Costanza: Yeah, I may move out there.
[the Rosses look bored]
George Costanza: I mean it - I'll do it!... Okay, I'll see you later.... Keep it real!

[Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment]
George Costanza: Jerry?
Elaine Benes: He's still down with his folks.
George Costanza: What are you doing here?
Jerry Seinfeld: [worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?*
Elaine Benes: [ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no.
George Costanza: He asked you to get the mail?
Elaine Benes: Mm-hmm.
George Costanza: [George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
George Costanza: Well, what about the mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.
George Costanza: All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.
[hangs up]

George Costanza: So, ran into the Rosses again.
Elaine Benes: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: From me.
Elaine Benes: What did you say?
George Costanza: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did *you* say?
Elaine Benes: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.
George Costanza: So they knew? Those liars!
Elaine Benes: But, you lied first!
George Costanza: [Angrily] Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons; they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when you know they're lying - you *call* them a liar!
Elaine Benes: Like, "You're a liar."
George Costanza: Yes! Thank you! Was that so hard?
Elaine Benes: So is this over? Not over?... I'm bettin' "not over."
George Costanza: Not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then, we'll see who blinks first.
Elaine Benes: Haven't you done enough to these people?
George Costanza: This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.

[George is driving the Rosses to the Hamptons to visit his fictitious house]
George Costanza: ...and that leads into the master bedroom.
Mrs. Ross: Tell us more.
George Costanza: Wanna hear more?... The master bedroom opens into the solarium.
Mr. Ross: Another solarium?
George Costanza: Yes, two solariums. Quite a find.... And, I... have horses, too.
Mr. Ross: What are their names?
George Costanza: [after a pause] Snoopy and Prickly Pete.... Should I keep driving?
Mrs. Ross: Oh, look: an antique stand. Pull over; we'll buy you a housewarming gift.
George Costanza: [chuckles and speaks to himself] Housewarming gift....
George Costanza: All right - we're taking it up a notch!

"Seinfeld: The Fire (#5.19)" (1994)
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George Costanza: It's not easy.

George Costanza: Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric. Ha ha. What kind of name is that for a clown?

Jerry Seinfeld: So you feel women and children first in this day and age is somewhat of an antiquated notion?
George Costanza: To some degree.
Jerry Seinfeld: So basically it's every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves?
George Costanza: In a manner of speaking.

Jerry Seinfeld: So what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?
George Costanza: Yeah. Eric the clown put it out with his big shoe.

George Costanza: [in amazement at Kramer's bus story] You're Batman.
Kramer: Yeah, I am Batman.

Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!

"Seinfeld: The Merv Griffin Show (#9.6)" (1997)
George Costanza: I don't get these birds; they're breakin' the deal! It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.
Jerry Seinfeld: So they're like everyone else.

[George and Miranda are in George's car]
George Costanza: You know, I spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago.
George Costanza: Can't smell anything, can you?
Miranda: Banana?

Jerry Seinfeld: You ran over some pigeons? How many?
George Costanza: Whatever they had.

George Costanza: Miranda thinks I'm a butcher, but - it's not my fault, is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry Seinfeld: Of course we have a deal: They get out of the way of our cars; we look the other way on the statue defecations.

Jerry Seinfeld: So Miranda's cooled on you?
George Costanza: I'm gettin' nothin'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, me neither.
George Costanza: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, the sex is wild, but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!

George Costanza: [George and Jerry are seated as guests on "The Merv Griffin Show"] So, they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
Cosmo Kramer: El Paso, I spent a month there one night.
Newman: [laughing hard] El Paso!
Jerry Seinfeld: What's he here for?
Cosmo Kramer: He takes some of the pressure off of me. So Jerry what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. Hmmm
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually it's kind of a funny story.She has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.
Cosmo Kramer: Well it sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?
Newman: Are you married right now?
[Kramer slaps Newman]
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out.
Cosmo Kramer: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love.
George Costanza: Ah come on! You got to get me over there!
Cosmo Kramer: Wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?
[to Newman]
Cosmo Kramer: Could we pause a moment?
[Newman turns on "commercial break music"]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business but when your on my set, you clean it up mister!
Newman: I told you he was a risk.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh like he's not just carrying you and has been for years!
Newman: Yeah? Well you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs.
[Kramer mediates]
Cosmo Kramer: ["Commercial music" ends] Smile everyone we're back.

"Seinfeld: The Soup (#6.7)" (1994)
[Jerry and George are at Monk's Cafe]
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh no, it's Kenny Bania.
George Costanza: Who's he?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, he's this awful comedian.

Kenny: Oh, Jerry, you know what just hit me? I was thinking - What size suit are you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Ahh, I'm a 40. Why?
Kenny: I just got a brand new Armani suit - doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I don't know if I...
Kenny: Oh, come on. Why should it just sit in the closet?
Elaine Benes: An Armani suit?
George Costanza: Take the suit!
Jerry Seinfeld: Well... okay, I guess...

Kramer: All right, ooh, look at that Armani, huh? Yeah.
[Jerry takes the jacket off and throws it onto the table]
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, that's a deal. That's a horrible deal. I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I'd rather make my own suit.
George Costanza: [entering Jerry's apartment] I did it! It's all done!
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey!
[raises hands into "fists of encouragement"]
George Costanza: I did it. Hunh. We're going out as soon as she gets off of work and it'll still be daytime. You know I, I'm much better in the daytime than I am at night. It's less pressure.
Jerry Seinfeld: I love the day date. No wine, no shower.

[Jerry and George are at Monk's]
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no, it's Kenny. Slide out so he can't sit down.
[George and Jerry each slide to the end of their booth seats]
Kenny: Hey.
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey.
Kenny: You worn the suit yet?
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it.
Kenny: You did?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm joking.
Kenny: OH! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can I squeeze in?
George Costanza: [bleakly] Sure you can.
Kelly: Can I take your order?
Kenny: What kind of soup do you have?
Jerry Seinfeld: Why don't you get a sandwich?
Kenny: Okay, I'll have tomato soup and, ah, tuna on toast.
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay. This is it, you know. This is the meal, so stock up, buddy boy.
Kenny: What are you talking about? This isn't a meal.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes it is. Soup and sandwich. That is a meal.
Kenny: You're supposed to buy me dinner in a nice restaurant, like Mendy's.
Jerry Seinfeld: I tried to do that.
Kenny: This is lunch in a coffee shop.
Jerry Seinfeld: Doesn't matter, this is it. This completes the transaction.
Kenny: Ah, soup and a sandwich for a brand-new Armani suit. Is that any kind of gesture?

[In Central Park, George is taking a walk with Kelly, whom he believes to be single]
Kelly: I'm just doing this waitress thing for a while, because I wanted to go to Europe this summer and I could use a few extra... Careful.
[She points to the ground, so that George will see the fresh horse manure and avoid stepping in it]
George Costanza: Oh. It's just horse manure. Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word 'manure.' You know, it's, it's 'newer,' which is good. And a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. When you consider the other choices, 'manure' is actually pretty refreshing.
Kelly: That's a nice watch, George.
George Costanza: Yeah.
Kelly: You know, my boyfriend has the same one.
George Costanza: [She has a boyfriend?] Huh. Really?
Kelly: Yeah, he loves watches. He's a real watch freak.
George Costanza: Well, how about that?
Kelly: Ooh, look out. You stepped right in it.
George Costanza: Yes, I sure did.

Jerry Seinfeld: So, you just pretended it didn't bother you?
George Costanza: What is that, 'boyfriend'? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?
Jerry Seinfeld: Boy, it's the way they just slip that in there, too.
George Costanza: Yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. 'Oh, my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.' Well, that's fabulous.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?
George Costanza: I said, 'Would you like to go for a walk or something?'
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, a walk, well...
George Costanza: Or something. I said, 'Or something'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Or something. Yeah, that's a date.
George Costanza: [missing the sardonic tone] There you go!
Jerry Seinfeld: You know, there is always the possibility that she called an audible.
George Costanza: What do you mean?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.
George Costanza: I think things were going okay. We were having a nice conversation.
Jerry Seinfeld: Uh huh.
George Costanza: I mentioned how I liked horse manure.
Jerry Seinfeld: You did?
George Costanza: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.
George Costanza: Yeah. You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. You know, you have a 'newer,' with a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. It's not bad.
Jerry Seinfeld: And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?
George Costanza: Yeah. Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts a positive spin on it.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.
George Costanza: So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?
Jerry Seinfeld: My honest opinion, I think she made it up.

"Seinfeld: The Little Jerry (#8.11)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: Allow me. Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free, farm fresh eggs.
Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?

George Costanza: These are not scraps. These are the historic remains of a once great society of hair.

Jerry: George is dating a prisoner.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, what's she in for?
George Costanza: Embezzlement.
Cosmo Kramer: Sounds like a nice girl.

Jerry: Well, we barely knew the guy.
Elaine Benes: So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.
Jerry: That's the way it works.
Elaine Benes: When did you tell George to be here?
Jerry: I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?
Elaine Benes: About five.
Jerry: That's enough.
[They leave. George comes around the corner]
George Costanza: [looks at his watch] Early! Alright!
George Costanza: Cold.

Jerry: So he just shaves his head for no reason?
George Costanza: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

"Seinfeld: The Beard (#6.15)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: Hey.
George Costanza: You fixed me up with a bald woman!
Cosmo Kramer: [flinches]
Cosmo Kramer: Bald?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald!
George Costanza: So?
Elaine: [puts her hands up to her mouth] You're bald!
George Costanza: [indignantly] No, I'm not!
[he "beeps" Elaine on the nose]
George Costanza: I... *was* bald.

[after learning the woman he's attracted to is bald]
George Costanza: No one goes into a barbershop and says "Give me the Larry Fine."

George Costanza: I told her the truth.
Jerry Seinfeld: As you see it?
George Costanza: Yes, as I see it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?
George Costanza: What hat?
Jerry Seinfeld: You know, you're little hair hat there.

George Costanza: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

"Seinfeld: The Frogger (#9.18)" (1998)
Slippery Pete: Well, I need a battery for this kind of a job. Can I at least steal a battery?
George Costanza: Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet.
Slippery Pete: What's that?
George Costanza: The outlet?
Slippery Pete: Mm-hmm.
George Costanza: That's where the electricity comes out.
Slippery Pete: Oh, you mean the holes.

George Costanza: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.

[Shlomo is playing the Frogger machine outside]
George Costanza: What are you guys doing?
Shlomo: Eat the fly! Eat the fly! Got him!
George Costanza: You idiots! You're gonna wear down the battery.
Slippery Pete: The batteries are fine. We've got... oh, God. Only 3 minutes left.
George Costanza: Quick! Get this thing back in the pizzeria!
Cosmo Kramer: George, they closed up.
George Costanza: I need an outlet!
Slippery Pete: A what?
George Costanza: Holes! I need holes!
Cosmo Kramer: The pharmacy is still open.
George Costanza: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You two, go sweep-talk the pharmacist.
Slippery Pete: You owe me a quarter.
George Costanza: Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Cosmo Kramer: [as he unwinds the police tape, only one lane long] Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
Jerry Seinfeld: Come on, George, I'll help you push it across.
George Costanza: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Jerry Seinfeld: By yourself?
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Jerry Seinfeld: I remember that night.
George Costanza: Oh, I was unstoppable. Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella. Just a right amount of grease on the joystick.

"Seinfeld: The Bookstore (#9.17)" (1998)
George Costanza: They made me buy it... A hundred bucks this thing cost me.
[George gestures to the book]
George Costanza: How dare they? I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Sarcastically] Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.
George Costanza: They're selling coffee, bran muffins... you're surrounded by reading material... It's entrapment!
Jerry Seinfeld: [Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy] 'French Impressionist Paintings'?
George Costanza: I find the soothing pastoral images very conduc...
Jerry Seinfeld: [Cutting him off] Thank you very much.

Jerry Seinfeld: [as Elaine walks up, disheveled] Sleeping in the caragain?
Elaine Benes: Cocktail flu.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Remembering] Oh, right. The big party...
George Costanza: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
Elaine Benes: No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many...
George Costanza: You went home with him?
Elaine Benes: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!
Jerry Seinfeld: [Rubbing it in] Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?
Elaine Benes: [Gives Jerry a look] Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?
Jerry Seinfeld: What's your position?
Elaine Benes: *I* am an *associate*.
George Costanza: Hey, me too.
[Waitress walks up]
Waitress: Yeah, me too.
Elaine Benes: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.
George Costanza: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.
Elaine Benes: Ooh... right. 'Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.
Jerry Seinfeld: As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
Elaine Benes: Ooh, bravo.

Rebecca DeMornay: Oh, wait a second. This book has been in the bathroom.
George Costanza: Wh-what are you talking about? That... that's ridiculous.
Rebecca DeMornay: It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's... Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here. It's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap 'em to a rickshaw!
George Costanza: Alright... I, I'll just take fifty. Do... do we have a deal?
Rebecca DeMornay: Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!
George Costanza: I could take it in merchandise.
Rebecca DeMornay: [Threateningly] Here I come.

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, check this out. Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well, we're gonna make it happen!
George Costanza: No, you're not.
Cosmo Kramer: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
George Costanza: No, he doesn't.
Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!
George Costanza: Yes, it can.
Cosmo Kramer: We'll start out with one, and then when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet.
Newman: It's the romance of the Hansom Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.
George Costanza: So, who's gonna pull this thing?
Cosmo Kramer: [Perplexed, to Newman] . Well, I just assumed you would.
Newman: [to Kramer] Yeah, but I thought...
Cosmo Kramer: Di-di-di-di... No
George Costanza: My, isn't this an awkward moment.
Cosmo Kramer: [Thinking] What about the homeless?
Newman: Can't we worry about them later?
Cosmo Kramer: To pull the rickshaw.
Newman: They do have an intimate knowledge of the streets...
Cosmo Kramer: They're always just walking around the city. Why not just strap something to them?
George Costanza: Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.

"Seinfeld: The Contest (#4.11)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: But are you still "Master of your Domain?"
George Costanza: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry Seinfeld: Lord of the Manor.

[after Elaine is out]
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, Costanza. It's you and me.
George Costanza: And then there were two.

Elaine Benes: [Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention] So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Still staring at the woman] Uh-huh.
George Costanza: Have a good time.

Jerry Seinfeld: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
George Costanza: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous... then I got a look at the patient...
[laughs, then snorts]
George Costanza: I was going nuts.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
George Costanza: [Fake sympathy] Well, my mother, Jerry...

"Seinfeld: The Serenity Now (#9.3)" (1997)
George Costanza: You know, after all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together
Elaine Benes: Well that's because you're an idiot!

Lloyd Braun: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.
George Costanza: What do you know? You were in the nut house.
Lloyd Braun: What do you think put me there?

George Costanza: What is *that*?
Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'SERENITY NOW!'
George Costanza: Are you supposed to *yell* it?
Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

[Kramer has just taken his built-up anger out on the computers George intended to return]
George Costanza: Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Whyyyyy did you have to destroy twenty-five computers?
Cosmo Kramer: [eating an orange] George, you listen to me. I owe you one.

"Seinfeld: The Jacket (#2.3)" (1991)
George Costanza: If she doesn't show up, we can't possibly have dinner with him alone.
Jerry Seinfeld: How are we gonna get out of it?
George Costanza: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe!

Alton Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza: Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Alton Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. There's nothing funny about that!

George Costanza: Master of the house, keeper of the inn...
[Jerry proudly models his new jacket in front of George. George looks in admiration at the jacket]
George Costanza: This is huge! When did this happen?
Jerry Seinfeld: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet an social challenge.
George Costanza: [Nods] Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely.
George Costanza: It's fabulous.

[George is singing "Master of the House" from Les Miserables]
Jerry Seinfeld: What is that song?
George Costanza: Oh, it's from Les Miserables. I went to see it last week. I can't get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. I sing it in front of clients. It's taking over my life.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know, Schumann went mad from that.
George Costanza: Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, you idiot.
George Costanza: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?
Jerry Seinfeld: You don't know Robert Schumann? The composer?
George Costanza: Oh, Schu-MANN. Of course.
Jerry Seinfeld: He went crazy from one note. He couldn't get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.
George Costanza: Really? Well, what if it doesn't stop?
[Jerry shrugs his shoulders]

"Seinfeld: The Invitations (#7.22)" (1996)
Doctor: I'm sorry, she's gone.
George Costanza: What's that?
Doctor: She expired.
George Costanza: Are you sure?
Doctor: Yes, of course.
George Costanza: So... she's dead?
Doctor: Yes.
George Costanza: Huh.
Doctor: Let me ask you, had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue?
George Costanza: Why?
Doctor: We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low-priced envelopes.
George Costanza: Well, she was sending out our wedding invitations.
Doctor: That's probably what did it.
George Costanza: We were expecting about two hundred people...

George Costanza: She's, uh... gone.
Jerry Seinfeld: Dead?
Elaine Benes: I'm... so sorry George?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, me too.
Cosmo Kramer: Poor Lilly.

Jerry Seinfeld: So I guess... you're not getting married.
George Costanza: Yeah...
Jerry Seinfeld: But...
George Costanza: Yeah?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, now I'm engaged.
George Costanza: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I thought we'd both be getting married.
George Costanza: Hey, what can I tell you?
Elaine Benes: Alright...
George Costanza: Come on, let's get some coffee.
Jerry Seinfeld: We had a pact!

"Seinfeld: The Opposite (#5.21)" (1994)
George Costanza: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.
Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George Costanza: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea.
Elaine Benes: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
George Costanza: [Sarcastically] Good for the tuna.
Elaine Benes: [a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George Costanza: So what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine Benes: Go talk to her.
George Costanza: Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George Costanza: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry Seinfeld: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George Costanza: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
George Costanza: [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria: Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
George Costanza: [Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria: I'm Victoria. Hi.

George Steinbrenner: [George is being interviewed by Mr. Cushman, Victoria's uncle, for a job with the New York Yankee. Cushman introduces him to George Steinbrenner, the owner of the Yankees] Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

Jerry Seinfeld: [George is telling Jerry he's been hired by the Yankees] The New York Yankees?
George Costanza: The New York Yankees!
Jerry Seinfeld: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle... Costanza?

"Seinfeld: The Seven (#7.13)" (1996)
Susan Biddle Ross: [Susan and George are having dinner with Carrie and Ken, Susan's cousin. Carrie is heavily pregnant] So, have you picked out a name yet?
Carrie: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.
Susan Biddle Ross: Aww.
George Costanza: [negatively] Hu-ho, boy.
Ken: You don't like Kimberley?
George Costanza: Ech. What else you got?
Ken: How about Joan?
George Costanza: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
Susan Biddle Ross: George!
Carrie: Pamela?
George Costanza: Pamela? Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George Costanza: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
George Costanza: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, are you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
Ken: Yeah, but uh... Soda?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right. It's working.
Carrie: We'll put it on the list.
George Costanza: I solve problems. That's just what I do.

Jerry: [George plans to name his first child "Seven"] Awright, let's see. How about Mug? Mug Costanza, that's original. Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.
George Costanza: Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry: [Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard] I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
George Costanza: Awright already! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.

Susan Biddle Ross: They're gonna name their baby Seven.
George Costanza: What? They're stealing the name? That's my name, I made it up!
Susan Biddle Ross: I can't believe that they're using it.
George Costanza: Well, now it's not gonna be original! It's going to lose all its cachet!
Susan Biddle Ross: I don't know how much cachet it had to begin with.
George Costanza: Oh, it's got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the yin-yang!

"Seinfeld: The Burning (#9.16)" (1998)
Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George Costanza: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
Elaine: So you think Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.

Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That sounds about right. Hey, did you hear the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the donuts?
Elaine: Jerry, I'm not in the mood.
George Costanza: [to the waitress] I'll have some coffee and a donut.

George Costanza: [after Jerry has told him and Elaine about Sophie giving him the "It's me"] I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like these hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

"Seinfeld: The Old Man (#4.18)" (1993)
George Costanza: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, it's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, and you gotta get it out, but the more you get out, the more keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse Day...!
Jerry: All right, all right!

George Costanza: What kind of person *are* you?
Jerry: Pretty much like you, only successful.

George Costanza: I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail.

"Seinfeld: The Race (#6.10)" (1994)
George Costanza: You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
George Steinbrenner: Yes George, I did. Come in, come in. George, the wordaround the office is that you're a Communist.

George Costanza: Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A communist?
Elaine Marie Benes: He reads everything, you know, Ned's very well read.
George Costanza: Maybe he's just very well red?

Lois: Have you designed any buildings in New York?
George Costanza: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
Lois: You did that?
George Costanza: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.

"Seinfeld: The Cadillac (#7.14)" (1996)
Susan Biddle Ross: Hey! What're you watching?
[looks at TV]
Susan Biddle Ross: Only You? That's another Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too.
Susan Biddle Ross: What, do you have a thing for her?
George Costanza: [laughing it off and trying too hard] Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man.
[forced laughter]
George Costanza: Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar winner.
[nervous laughter]
George Costanza: He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei?
Susan Biddle Ross: What are you talking about?

Marisa Tomei: Have I told you how much I love you today?
George Costanza: Not in the last fifteen minutes.
Marisa Tomei: Well, I do love you very much.
George Costanza: And I love you, Marisa.
Marisa Tomei: Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the premiere.

George Costanza: Elaine, it's me, George
Elaine: George. How come you're whispering?
George Costanza: Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?
Elaine: No!
George Costanza: Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking about me and, you know...
Elaine: Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about.
George Costanza: The actress
Elaine: What?
George Costanza: [shouts] MARISA TOMEI!
Susan Biddle Ross: What?
George Costanza: Uh, ah, nothing, Nothing!

"Seinfeld: The Pool Guy (#7.8)" (1995)
George Costanza: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I, I love that George.
George Costanza: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

George Costanza: I know you're there, laughing at me. Laughing and lying and laughing!

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey Elaine.
Elaine Benes: Hey.
Jerry Seinfeld: Who, who, who do you think would win in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous George here.
Jerry Seinfeld: You mean in a real Fight Fight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Mona a Baldo.
Elaine Benes: George.
George Costanza: Ah-Ha!
Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
Jerry Seinfeld: George fights dirty.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really? What would you do?
George Costanza: Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do.
Jerry Seinfeld: Hmm.

"Seinfeld: The Bubble Boy (#4.7)" (1992)
Voice and Arm of Donald Sanger, the Bubble Boy: The Moors.
George Costanza: I'm sorry the answer we were looking for was "Moops."

Jerry Seinfeld: He's a bubble-boy!
George Costanza: A bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, a bubble-boy.
Susan Biddle Ross: What's a bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: He lives in a bubble.
George Costanza: Boy!

"Seinfeld: The Finale (#9.22)" (1998)
Jerry Seinfeld: [the conversation from the pilot episode of 'Seinfeld'] See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry Seinfeld: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, maybe we have.

George Costanza: It was MOOPS!
Bubble Boy: MOORS!

"Seinfeld: The Heart Attack (#2.8)" (1991)
Tor Eckman: What month were you born?
George Costanza: April.
Tor Eckman: You should have been born in August.

[after Jerry and Elaine are doubting that George is in trouble]
George Costanza: Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed to!

"Seinfeld: The Conversion (#5.11)" (1993)
Estelle Costanza: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
George Costanza: For a woman.
Frank Costanza: A woman? What are you out of your mind?
Estelle Costanza: Why can't you do anything like a normal person?
Frank Costanza: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?

George Costanza: By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry Seinfeld: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George Costanza: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

"Seinfeld: The Van Buren Boys (#8.14)" (1997)
Leader: [George, trying to prove he was a Van Buren Boy, makes several hand gestures in an attempt to perform their secret gang sign] That's not the sign.
George Costanza: It was when I was bangin'!

[first lines]
Jerry Seinfeld: [trying to catch a cab] Who was the last president to have a beard?
George Costanza: Nixon.
Jerry Seinfeld: No, I mean a ral thick beard.
George Costanza: His was thick.
Jerry Seinfeld: No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
George Costanza: Falkmore.
Jerry Seinfeld: Who?
George Costanza: Artemis N. Falkmore.
Jerry Seinfeld: You made that up, right?
George Costanza: Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard
George Costanza: The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.
Jerry Seinfeld: Are you wearing lifts in those shoes?
George Costanza: [nervously looks around and walks away] Cab!

"Seinfeld: The Hamptons (#5.20)" (1994)
Jerry, George Costanza: Elaine!
Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming afterwards.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

George Costanza: I was in the pool! I WAS IN THE POOL!

"Seinfeld: The Switch (#6.11)" (1995)
Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: [both laughing] Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: [entering Jerry's apartment] What's so funny?... wha?

George Costanza: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?

"Seinfeld: The Chinese Woman (#6.4)" (1994)
George Louis Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry Seinfeld: You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Louis Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.

George Costanza: [a message on Jerry's answering machine] Hi, this is George. I've got nothing to say.

"Seinfeld: The Label Maker (#6.12)" (1995)
George Costanza: [referring to Kramer and Newman's Risk game] What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

Jerry: Newman! He's going with Newman!
George Costanza: How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
Jerry: Newman's his mailman.
George Costanza: Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?
Jerry: Who goes anywhere with Newman?

"Seinfeld: The Phone Message (#2.4)" (1991)
Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?
George Costanza: no thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up.

George Costanza: I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear.
Carol: You do not.
George Costanza: Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.

"Seinfeld: The Stakeout (#1.1)" (1990)
George Costanza: She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk."
Jerry: Uh, the four worst words in the English language.
George Costanza: That, or "Whose bra is this?"
Jerry: [wincing and nodding] That is worse.

George Costanza: Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane.
Jerry: Really, how?
George Costanza: Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Anything in the lip area is good.
Jerry: Lip area, yeah.
George Costanza: A hug, definitely good.
Jerry: Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart.
George Costanza: Those are brutal.
Jerry: You know how they do that.
George Costanza: Also, you know a shake is bad.
Jerry: Right, a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes.
George Costanza: The hand sandwich.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
George Costanza: [after her actual arrival and greeting] The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.

"Seinfeld: The Susie (#8.15)" (1997)
[George's answering machine greeting]
George Costanza: [singing to the tune of the theme from "The Greatest American Hero"] # Believe it or not, George isn't at home, / Please leave a message at the beep. / I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone, / Where could I be? / Believe it or not, I'm not home. #

Jerry Seinfeld: She wants to talk?
George Costanza: She doesn't want to. She needs to talk.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nobody needs to talk.
George Costanza: Who would want to?

"Seinfeld: The Secretary (#6.9)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: About George's new job: It's amazing! You're getting a secretary! Last week you were taking messages for your mother...
George Costanza: And now someone will be taking messages for ME!
Jerry Seinfeld: ...From your mother.

George Costanza: I am telling you, Jerry, having a secretary is incredible! I don't know why I didn't have one before.
Jerry Seinfeld: Because you didn't have a job?
George Costanza: Perhaps.

"Seinfeld: The Handicap Spot (#4.22)" (1993)
Frank: [Inspecting his newly polished shoes] I don't think you did such a good job on these...
George Costanza: What?
Frank: [shoving the shoe in George's face] You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there?

Frank: George, forget about the shoes. Want you to do something for me This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes.
George Costanza: Sunsabitches!
Frank: Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and DE! LIVE! ER! IT! TO! HER!
George Costanza: Big screen TV?
Frank: You think you can handle that?

"Seinfeld: The Truth (#3.2)" (1991)
George Costanza: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.

George Costanza: The truth. You want the truth? It *is* your earrings. It *is* the chopsticks, but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U - EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay?

"Seinfeld: The Gum (#7.10)" (1995)
George Costanza: The Jon Voight Car is no more.

George Costanza: This isn't mine
George Costanza: , the institute gave it to me! The institute!

"Seinfeld: The Soup Nazi (#7.6)" (1995)
George Costanza: [Soup Nazi gives him a look] Medium turkey chili.
[instantly moves to the cashier]
Jerry Seinfeld: Medium crab bisque.
George Costanza: [looks in his bag and notices no bread in it] I didn't get any bread.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread, $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
[snaps his fingers. The cashier instantly takes George's soup and gives him back his money]

George Costanza: Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go.
[gets his soup and looks inside]
George Costanza: Bread. Beautiful.
Soup Nazi: You're pushing your luck little man.
George Costanza: Sorry. Thank you.
Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, uh -
[drumming on countertop]
Elaine Benes: Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um... what is that right there? Is that lima bean?
Soup Nazi: Yes.
Elaine Benes: Never been a big fan.
Elaine Benes: Um... you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, "Scent Of A Woman." Who-ah! Who-ah!
Soup Nazi: Very good. Very good.
Elaine Benes: Well, I...
Soup Nazi: You know something?
Elaine Benes: Hmmm?
Elaine Benes: What?

"Seinfeld: The Understudy (#6.23)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: [has just learned Jerry's girlfriend is Bette Midler's understudy in the Rochelly, Rochelle musical] Understudys, now they're a shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm glad that she's an understudy. This way I avoid having to go backstage and think of something to say.
George Costanza: Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink, then it's a real problem.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just once I'd like to tell someone they stink. 'Ya know what? I didn't like the show, I didn't like you, ya just really stunk. The whole thing: really bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.'

George Costanza: [Bette Middler is up to bat and George is playing catcher] I caught that Beaches on cable last night. 'Wind beneath my wings'? Give me a break.
Bette Midler: Hey, get some talent, then you can mouth off.

"Seinfeld: The Limo (#3.19)" (1992)
George Costanza: [pretending to be a white supremacist to get a free limo ride] Ahhh, ASTROTURF! You know who's responsible for that, don't ya? The JEWS!

George Costanza: Didja see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry Seinfeld: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
George Costanza: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.

"Seinfeld: The Andrea Doria (#8.10)" (1996)
George Costanza: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
Clarence: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
George Costanza: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships.
George Costanza: The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?
George Costanza: .
Clarence: [Defensively] We had to abandon ship.
George Costanza: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
Clarence: The boat sank!
George Costanza: [Holding up Kramer's book] According to this, it took 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence.
George Costanza: So, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?

George Costanza: I was handcuffed to the bed... In my underwear, where I remained...
[Scene cuts to another story]
George Costanza: She was attractive... She was, also, in fact, a Nazi...
[Cuts to another story]
George Costanza: The water... that I had been swimming in was... very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was... significant shrinkage...
[Scene cuts to another story]
George Costanza: Her parents were looking at me... So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man.
[Gets up]
George Costanza: Thank you.
[George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing... ]
George Costanza: Oh, also... my fiancé died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out.
[Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members]
George Costanza: Thanks again.

"Seinfeld: The Postponement (#7.2)" (1995)
George Costanza: [to Jerry] You're a good friend. If you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.
[George leaves]
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You're kidding!
Cosmo Kramer: No, no. I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're supposed to be a friend of mine!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Cosmo Kramer: I thought I did!

Jerry: Let me take a guess: she cried, and you caved.
George Costanza: How did you know that?
Jerry: I live and breathe, my friend. I live and breathe.

"Seinfeld: The Fusilli Jerry (#6.20)" (1995)
George Costanza: [about mechanics] Well of course they're trying to screw you! What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything; nobody knows! "Why, well you need a new johnson rod in here." Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well better put one of those on!

Estelle Costanza: Where have you been? You were supposed to fix the stove! I've been waiting for hours!
Frank Costanza: I fell on some Fusilli
Estelle Costanza: Fusilli?
Frank Costanza: You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. Had to go to the proctologist.
Estelle Costanza: The proctologist? Are you okay?
Frank Costanza: Yeah.
Estelle Costanza: Oh, I was so worried.
[grabs a couple of tissues from the box]
George Costanza: Ma, don't cry!
Estelle Costanza: Oh, I can't help it!
George Costanza: Ma, your eyes!

"Seinfeld: The Nap (#8.18)" (1997)
George Costanza: I can't to myself. I'm exhausted.
Jerry: Can you grab a nap at work.
George Costanza: Not with that big glass window looking out into the hall. I'd love a good nap. That's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning

Cosmo Kramer: Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
George Costanza: What is that smell?
Cosmo Kramer: That's East River.
George Costanza: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Cosmo Kramer: Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
George Costanza: How could you swim in that water?
Cosmo Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
George Costanza: Swimming?
Cosmo Kramer: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.

"Seinfeld: The Stranded (#3.10)" (1991)
George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says "make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure - "make love to me." What, am I in the circus?

Jerry Seinfeld: How did you get fleas?
George Costanza: Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.

"Seinfeld: The Sniffing Accountant (#5.4)" (1993)
George Costanza: Two cups in the front, two loops in the back... how do they do it?

George Costanza: Jerry, where d'you get that sweater?
Jerry Seinfeld: What do you think, I found it in the back of my closet!
George Costanza: I think that's what the back of closets are for.

"Seinfeld: The Dinner Party (#5.13)" (1994)
George Costanza: Oh my God, that's Saddam Hussein the dictator!

Kramer: [yelling at the oncoming traffic] Hey, your lights are on!
George Costanza: [angrily but under his breath] It's a funeral procession...

"Seinfeld: The Apartment (#2.5)" (1991)
George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden, so please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, lord of the idiots!

George: For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots!

"Seinfeld: The Foundation (#8.1)" (1996)
George Costanza: What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George Costanza: What is that?
Jerry Seinfeld: Star Trek 2.
George Costanza: Wrath of Khan!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.
George Costanza: It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah.

George Costanza: I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!
Jerry Seinfeld: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.

"Seinfeld: The Dealership (#9.11)" (1998)
George Costanza: Twixxxxxxxxxxx!

"Seinfeld: The Hot Tub (#7.5)" (1995)
George Costanza: You tell that son of a bitch, no Yankee is ever coming to Houston as long as you bastards are running things.

"Seinfeld: The Boyfriend: Part 1 (#3.17)" (1992)
George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry: No, what happened to you?
George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza: Right.
Jerry: What is that?
George Costanza: You're in latex.
Jerry: What do I do with latex?
George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine: [laughing] Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman?
Jerry: I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza: [angrily] Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

"Seinfeld: The Boyfriend: Part 2 (#3.18)" (1992)
George Costanza: Magellan? You like Magellan?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world? Come on. Why, who do you like?
George Costanza: De Soto.
Jerry Seinfeld: De Soto, why De Soto?
George Costanza: He discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, like they wouldn't have found it anyway.

"Seinfeld: The Gymnast (#6.6)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
George Louis Costanza: No, no, no. It was not trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it in the trash?
George Louis Costanza: Yes.
Jerry Seinfeld: Then it was trash.
George Louis Costanza: It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top.
Jerry Seinfeld: But it was in the cylinder.
George Louis Costanza: Above the rim.
Jerry Seinfeld: Adjacent to refuse is refuse.
George Louis Costanza: It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it eaten?
George Louis Costanza: One little bite.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, that's garbage.
George Louis Costanza: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt.
Jerry Seinfeld: You, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum.

"Seinfeld: The Lip Reader (#5.6)" (1993)
George Costanza: All right. All right. What, what are they saying?
[the gang eavesdrops on Gwen and Todd's conversation with Laura watching, reading their lips, signs, and Kramer translating her sign language]
Kramer: [translating] Hi, Gwen. High tide.
Jerry Seinfeld: High tide?
Kramer: Hi Todd.
Kramer: You got something in between your teeth.
George Costanza: Where?
Kramer: No, that's what he said.
Kramer: That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup.
[to George]
Kramer: So do I, huh?
Elaine Benes: [to Jerry] So wild! Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, if I lend her to you, I have to lend her to everybody.
Gwen: I don't envy you, Todd. This place is gonna be a mess.
Todd: Well, maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together.
Kramer: [translating] Why don't stick around and we could *sleep* together?
George Costanza: [shocked] What?
Kramer: [translating] You want me to sleep with you?
Todd: I don't wanna sweep alone.
Kramer: [translating] He says, "I don't wanna sleep alone." And she says, "Oh, boy. Love to."
George Costanza: [becoming mad] All right. That's it.
[walks over to them]
George Costanza: So, you get rid of me and now the two of you are gonna sleep together?
Gwen: What? You're crazy!
Kramer: [while translating to Jerry and Elaine] What? You're crazy.
George Costanza: I heard your whole conversation.
Gwen: How?
[George looks the other way as Laura signs it]
Kramer: [translates] How?
George Costanza: I can read lips. You said, "let's sleep together."
Gwen: No, I didn't! I said "sweep." Let's sweep together, you know, like with a
[while Kramer translates it to Jerry and Elaine]
Gwen: broom, cleaning up?
George Costanza: Sweep?
Kramer, Gwen: Yes. Sweep.

"Seinfeld: The Abstinence (#8.9)" (1996)
George Costanza: Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant.
[hits a home run]
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.
[hits another home run]
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: Hey, we won the World Series.
George Costanza: [derisively] In six games.
[hits another home run]

"Seinfeld: The Rye (#7.11)" (1996)
Frank Costanza: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
George Costanza: Why don't we talk about it another time.
Frank Costanza: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.
Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
Frank Costanza: That's perverse.

"Seinfeld: The Strike (#9.10)" (1997)
Estelle Constanza: I think you can take him, Georgie!
George Costanza: Oh, come on! Be sensible.
Frank Costanza: Stop crying and fight your father!
George Costanza: Ow!... Ow! I give! I give! Uncle!
Frank Costanza: This is the best Festivus ever!

"Seinfeld: The Library (#3.5)" (1991)
George Costanza: [George is telling Jerry and Elaine about his high school coach Mr. Heyman, whom he got fired] He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying Costanza, he'd say, Can't stand ya.

"Seinfeld: Good News, Bad News (#1.0)" (1989)
George Costanza: Claire, you're a woman, right?
Claire: What gave it away, George?

"Seinfeld: The Letter (#3.21)" (1992)
Elaine Benes: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.
George Costanza: [amused] You're supposed to do that?
Elaine Benes: [shrugs] Yeah. What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision?
George Costanza: I'd rather go to a hanging.

"Seinfeld: The Wig Master (#7.18)" (1996)
George Costanza: Excuse me, I think I made a big mistake. I'd like my deposit back, please.
Jiffy Park Guy: What's the problem?
George Costanza: You've got hookers turning tricks in my car, how's that for starters?
Jiffy Park Guy: Ah, that is all hearsay.
George Costanza: All right, very good. I'd like my car and deposit back, please.
Jiffy Park Guy: Can't do it.
George Costanza: What do you mean?
Jiffy Park Guy: If you read the agreement you signed, the deposit is non-refundable.
George Costanza: Well does it say anything in the contract about my car being used as a whorehouse? I don't remember reading that clause either.
Jiffy Park Guy: What can I tell you, buddy? Take it up with Consumer Affairs.
George Costanza: [frustrated] All right, just give me my car so I can get the hell out of here.
Jiffy Park Guy: That's going to be a problem.
George Costanza: Why?
Jiffy Park Guy: It's all the way in the back. We can't get it out for a couple of days.
George Costanza: What are you talking about? I want my car!
Jiffy Park Guy: We ask that you please bare with us.
George Costanza: Bare with you? This is a parking lot! People are supposed to be able to get their cars.
Jiffy Park Guy: Ideally.

"Seinfeld: The Yada Yada (#8.19)" (1997)
Jerry: Alright. You're on a desert island, you can bring five books. Which five do you take?
George Costanza: I gotta read five books?
Jerry: Okay, only one.
[George takes a long time to answer]
Jerry: Come on!
George Costanza: Ah! I got it. The Three Musketeers.
Jerry: You've read that?
George Costanza: No. I'm saving it for the island.

"Seinfeld: The Pez Dispenser (#3.14)" (1992)
George Louis Costanza: Let me tell you something. A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.

"Seinfeld: The Millennium (#8.20)" (1997)
George Costanza: To think I'd fail at failing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh come on.
George Costanza: I can't do anything wrong.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll have to pick myself up, dust myself up, and throw myself right back down again!
Jerry Seinfeld: That's the spirit! You suck.
George Costanza: I know.

"Seinfeld: The Caddy (#7.12)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: Stan the caddy.
George Costanza: Stan the caddy.

"Seinfeld: The Cafe (#3.7)" (1991)
George Costanza: You should've seen the look on her face. It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

"Seinfeld: The Chaperone (#6.1)" (1994)
George Costanza: [unhappy with the Yankee uniforms] They should be wearing cotton.

"Seinfeld: The Pony Remark (#2.2)" (1991)
George Costanza: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George Costanza: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?

"Seinfeld: The Apology (#9.9)" (1997)
George Costanza: It's like you're living at the Playboy Mansion!

"Seinfeld: The Nose Job (#3.9)" (1991)
Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex - I was like an animal. I mean, it was just completely uninhibited.
George Costanza: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: [pause] It's not like that at all.

"Seinfeld: The Little Kicks (#8.4)" (1996)
George Costanza: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?
George Costanza: More like a full body dry heave set to music.

"Seinfeld: The Voice (#9.2)" (1997)
[after Play Now learns George isn't really handicapped]
Mr. Thomassoulo: George, I've realized we've signed a one year contract with you, but at this point, I think it's best that we both go our separate ways.
George Costanza: I don't understand.
Mr. Thomassoulo: We don't like you and we want you to leave.

"Seinfeld: The Visa (#4.15)" (1993)
[about Kramer attending a baseball fantasy camp]
George Costanza: His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two thousand dollars to live like him for a week: do nothing, fall ass backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. *That's* a fantasy camp.

"Seinfeld: The Doll (#7.16)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.
George Costanza: So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.
Jerry Seinfeld: [while opening his cereal box] I will - don't worry.
[Plotting his revenge]
Jerry Seinfeld: In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!
Elaine Benes: That's sounds pretty juvenile.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Pulling out his toy prize from the bottom of the cereal box -smiling] Hey! A dinosaur!

"Seinfeld: The Calzone (#7.19)" (1996)
George Costanza: [George had been banned from Paisano's] Well, this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.
Jerry: So what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzone?
George Costanza: What's he gonna do? That's exactly the point! Nobody knows what this guy is capable of. He fires people like it's a bodily function!

"Seinfeld: The Maid (#9.19)" (1998)
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza".
Jerry Seinfeld: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?

"Seinfeld: The Parking Space (#3.22)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: What did you do to my car?
George Costanza: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
Elaine Benes: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.

"Seinfeld: Male Unbonding (#1.3)" (1990)
George Costanza: [talking to the bank teller] You want me to roll 6000 of these? You want me to quit my job?

"Seinfeld: The Checks (#8.7)" (1996)
George Costanza: He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Who are any of her losers?
George Costanza: You're on that list.

"Seinfeld: The Junior Mint (#4.20)" (1993)
Jerry: Hey.
George Costanza: Hi...
[George is watching "Home Alone"]
Jerry: What are doing, are you crying?
George Costanza: No...
[he takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes]
Jerry: You're crying from "Home Alone"?
George Costanza: The old man got to me.

"Seinfeld: The Strongbox (#9.14)" (1998)
George Costanza: [Elaine thinks her boyfriend is a super hero] Who is this? Blue Arrow?
Elaine Benes: No, Green Lantern.
Jerry Seinfeld: We found out his super power is lack of money.
Elaine Benes: Very funny.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine Benes: Ha ha.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
Elaine Benes: All right, that's enough.
George Costanza: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
Elaine Benes: Well crafted.

"Seinfeld: The Pie (#5.15)" (1994)
George Costanza: Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.
Kramer: Heh, is that Elaine mannequin still there?
George Costanza: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah!
George Costanza: The last time I saw her... she was naked.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, Poppie's got problems.

"Seinfeld: The Revenge (#2.7)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: What is the point of all this?
George Costanza: Revenge.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, the best revenge is living well.
George Costanza: There's no chance of that.

"Seinfeld: The Marine Biologist (#5.14)" (1994)
[last lines]
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
George: [reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George Nods]
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?
Jerry: Well, the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh yes they did Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.

"Seinfeld: The Statue (#2.6)" (1991)
George Costanza: Oh my god, it's exactly the same.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
George Costanza: When I was 10 years old, my parents had the very same statue on the mantle, in our apartment exactly and one day I grabbed it, as a microphone. I was singing MacArthur Park, and I got to the part about "They'll never have that recipe again" and it slipped out of my hand and broke, my parents looked at me like I had smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day they bring it up, it was the single most damaging moment of my life, aside from seeing my Father naked.

"Seinfeld: The Bris (#5.5)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that
[Kramer shows newspaper]
Cosmo Kramer: <-remove blank quote.
Jerry Seinfeld: What now?
[Jerry reads newspaper]
Jerry Seinfeld: . Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital... Yeah, so?
Cosmo Kramer: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
Elaine Benes: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
Cosmo Kramer: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry Seinfeld: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George Costanza: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Jerry Seinfeld: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.

"Seinfeld: The Slicer (#9.7)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: George, why would I, a Julliard trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?
George Costanza: Because, you're not a dermatologist.

"Seinfeld: The Engagement (#7.1)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: [after George tells Jerry he's marrying Susan] Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! How about some champagne?
George Costanza: Champagne?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on!
[Jerry looks around his kitchen for champagne]
George Costanza: Okay! Alright!
Jerry Seinfeld: [after he can't find any champagne] You know what? No champagne. I'll see you later.

"Seinfeld: The Comeback (#8.13)" (1997)
George Costanza: Jerkstore is the line. Jerkstore!

"Seinfeld: The Puerto Rican Day (#9.20)" (1998)
[repeated line]
George Costanza: That gotta hurts!

"Seinfeld: The Ex-Girlfriend (#2.1)" (1991)
Jerry: So that's it, you're out.
George Costanza: Except for one small problem. I left some books in her apartment.
Jerry: So? Go get them.
George Costanza: No I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward. It could be dangerous. Sexually ,something could happen. I'd be right back where I started from.
Jerry: So forget about the books. Did you read them?
George Costanza: Well, yeah.
Jerry: What do you need them for?
George Costanza: I don't know. They're books.
Jerry: What's the obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies! What do you need it for after you read it?