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George Costanza: So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what?
Elaine Benes: George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
George Costanza: Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.
George Costanza: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!
George Costanza: You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the *entire time* we were in India!
Nina Stengle: And by the way, you can take off those boots: Everyone knows you're five-six.
George Costanza: Five-eight!... Five-seven...
Nina Stengle: George, I've used the bathroom; it's fine.
George Costanza: No, no, no, no - I can walk it off. It's 120 degrees in here: I'll sweat it out.
Elaine Benes: Hey, are those Timberlands... painted black?
George Costanza: Is your nose pierced?
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!
George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.
[
at Sue Ellen's wedding, just before the ceremony is to begin]
Elaine Benes: [
whispering] Would you grow up, George? What is the difference? Nina slept with him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares; it's all ancient history.
George Costanza: [
loudly] You slept with the groom?
Nina Stengle: George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you?
George Costanza: No.
[
snorts]
George Costanza: I'm gonna wear black shoes.
George Costanza: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Coach to India: only way to go.
George Costanza: Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina?
Elaine Benes: Nina? Nina? Nope. Sh... Not weird, no, Nina.
George Costanza: Why do you keep saying "Nina"?
Elaine Benes: I don't know.
[
laughing]
Elaine Benes: "Nina." "Nina!"... I'm gonna go grab a bite.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.
George Costanza: "FDR"?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Jerry Seinfeld: Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer: *Evil* eye.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George Costanza: Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Every day is my birthday.
Elaine Benes: Hey, are you gettin' taller?
George Costanza: Timberlands.
[
discussing why Jerry and Nina never dated]
Jerry Seinfeld: We were too compatible. Our conversations were so engrossing.
George Costanza: How engrossing?
Jerry Seinfeld: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.
George Costanza: [
chuckles with surprise, then shows worry] You don't, uh, have a replacement lined up for me, do you?
[
continues chuckling]
George Costanza: [
Jerry chuckles knowingly and smiles]
Jerry Seinfeld: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses - I need an awkward pause.
George Costanza: I'm all awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.
George Costanza: Wait a minute - Nina just saw me in my Timberlands. Now, I have to wear them every time I see her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
George Costanza: In any other shoe, I lose two inches; I can't have a drop-down. We were eye-to-eye; I can't go eye-to-chin.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?
George Costanza: In every situation, no matter how silly I look.
George Costanza: [
folding the newspaper he was reading] When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner?
George Costanza: What's that?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
George Costanza: How much was it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
George Costanza: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Jerry Seinfeld: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.
George Costanza: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Jerry Seinfeld: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?
George Costanza: At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.
Mrs. Ross: George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.
George Costanza: Oh, I just, uh, leased a house, out in the Hamptons, and I've *got* to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.
Mrs. Ross: Thank you for calling, George.
[
she moves to hang up the phone]
George Costanza: Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh, uh, okay, I gotta go.
[
George is on the telephone]
George Costanza: Uh, Mrs. Ross, it's - it's George.
Mrs. Ross: Who?
George Costanza: George Costanza, Susan's, uh, friend?... Long time, no speak.
[
Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross]
Jerry Seinfeld: House in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
[
George comes upon Mr. and Mrs. Ross]
George Costanza: Rosses.
Mr. Ross: George, we were just talking about you.
George Costanza: [
nervously] Oh...
[
more confidently]
George Costanza: Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing, but this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.
Mrs. Ross: [
falsely interested] Really?
George Costanza: Yeah, I may move out there.
[
the Rosses look bored]
George Costanza: I mean it - I'll do it!... Okay, I'll see you later.... Keep it real!
[
Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment]
George Costanza: Jerry?
Elaine Benes: He's still down with his folks.
George Costanza: What are you doing here?
Jerry Seinfeld: [
worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?*
Elaine Benes: [
ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no.
George Costanza: He asked you to get the mail?
Elaine Benes: Mm-hmm.
George Costanza: [
George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
George Costanza: Well, what about the mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.
George Costanza: All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.
[
hangs up]
George Costanza: So, ran into the Rosses again.
Elaine Benes: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: From me.
Elaine Benes: What did you say?
George Costanza: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did *you* say?
Elaine Benes: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.
[
laughing]
George Costanza: So they knew? Those liars!
Elaine Benes: But, you lied first!
George Costanza: [
Angrily] Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons; they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when you know they're lying - you *call* them a liar!
Elaine Benes: Like, "You're a liar."
George Costanza: Yes! Thank you! Was that so hard?
Elaine Benes: So is this over? Not over?... I'm bettin' "not over."
George Costanza: Not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then, we'll see who blinks first.
Elaine Benes: Haven't you done enough to these people?
George Costanza: This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.
[
George is driving the Rosses to the Hamptons to visit his fictitious house]
George Costanza: ...and that leads into the master bedroom.
Mrs. Ross: Tell us more.
George Costanza: Wanna hear more?... The master bedroom opens into the solarium.
Mr. Ross: Another solarium?
George Costanza: Yes, two solariums. Quite a find.... And, I... have horses, too.
Mr. Ross: What are their names?
George Costanza: [
after a pause] Snoopy and Prickly Pete.... Should I keep driving?
Mrs. Ross: Oh, look: an antique stand. Pull over; we'll buy you a housewarming gift.
George Costanza: [
chuckles and speaks to himself] Housewarming gift....
[
louder]
George Costanza: All right - we're taking it up a notch!
George Costanza: I don't get these birds; they're breakin' the deal! It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.
Jerry Seinfeld: So they're like everyone else.
[
George and Miranda are in George's car]
George Costanza: You know, I spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago.
[
Proudly]
George Costanza: Can't smell anything, can you?
Miranda: Banana?
Jerry Seinfeld: You ran over some pigeons? How many?
George Costanza: Whatever they had.
George Costanza: Miranda thinks I'm a butcher, but - it's not my fault, is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry Seinfeld: Of course we have a deal: They get out of the way of our cars; we look the other way on the statue defecations.
Jerry Seinfeld: So Miranda's cooled on you?
George Costanza: I'm gettin' nothin'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, me neither.
George Costanza: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, the sex is wild, but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!
Slippery Pete: Well, I need a battery for this kind of a job. Can I at least steal a battery?
George Costanza: Fine. Steal the battery. Now, all right, here is the Frogger. This is the front door, and this is the outlet.
Slippery Pete: What's that?
George Costanza: The outlet?
Slippery Pete: Mm-hmm.
George Costanza: That's where the electricity comes out.
Slippery Pete: Oh, you mean the holes.
George Costanza: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this Frogger high score, that's it for me.
[
Shlomo is playing the Frogger machine outside]
George Costanza: What are you guys doing?
Shlomo: Eat the fly! Eat the fly! Got him!
George Costanza: You idiots! You're gonna wear down the battery.
Slippery Pete: The batteries are fine. We've got... oh, God. Only 3 minutes left.
George Costanza: Quick! Get this thing back in the pizzeria!
Cosmo Kramer: George, they closed up.
George Costanza: I need an outlet!
Slippery Pete: A what?
George Costanza: Holes! I need holes!
Cosmo Kramer: The pharmacy is still open.
George Costanza: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You two, go sweep-talk the pharmacist.
Slippery Pete: You owe me a quarter.
George Costanza: Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Cosmo Kramer: [
as he unwinds the police tape, only one lane long] Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
Jerry Seinfeld: Come on, George, I'll help you push it across.
George Costanza: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Jerry Seinfeld: By yourself?
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Jerry Seinfeld: I remember that night.
George Costanza: Oh, I was unstoppable. Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella. Just a right amount of grease on the joystick.
Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George Costanza: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
Elaine: So you think Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.
Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That sounds about right. Hey, did you hear the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the donuts?
Elaine: Jerry, I'm not in the mood.
George Costanza: [
to the waitress] I'll have some coffee and a donut.
George Costanza: [
after Jerry has told him and Elaine about Sophie giving him the "It's me"] I'm against all "it's me"'s. So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like these hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
George Costanza: You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
George Steinbrenner: Yes George, I did. Come in, come in. George, the wordaround the office is that you're a Communist.
George Costanza: Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A communist?
Elaine Marie Benes: He reads everything, you know, Ned's very well read.
George Costanza: Maybe he's just very well red?
Lois: Have you designed any buildings in New York?
George Costanza: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
Lois: You did that?
George Costanza: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.
Susan Biddle Ross: Hey! What're you watching?
[
looks at TV]
Susan Biddle Ross: Only You? That's another Marisa Tomei movie, and you've seen that one too.
[
jokingly]
Susan Biddle Ross: What, do you have a thing for her?
George Costanza: [
laughing it off and trying too hard] Yeah, yeah. I have a thing for Marisa Tomei. Like she would ever go out with a short, stocky, bald man.
[
forced laughter]
George Costanza: Hu hu, ha ha. Like that's her type. Huh. She's an Oscar winner.
[
nervous laughter]
George Costanza: He heh. Besides, I don't even know her. It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up. Who, who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei?
Susan Biddle Ross: What are you talking about?
Marisa Tomei: Have I told you how much I love you today?
George Costanza: Not in the last fifteen minutes.
Marisa Tomei: Well, I do love you very much.
George Costanza: And I love you, Marisa.
Marisa Tomei: Well then, c'mon, get dressed. We're going to be late for the premiere.
George Costanza: Elaine, it's me, George
Elaine: George. How come you're whispering?
George Costanza: Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?
Elaine: No!
George Costanza: Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking about me and, you know...
Elaine: Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about.
George Costanza: The actress
Elaine: What?
George Costanza: [
shouts] MARISA TOMEI!
Susan Biddle Ross: What?
George Costanza: Uh, ah, nothing, Nothing!
Cosmo Kramer: Hey.
George Costanza: You fixed me up with a bald woman!
Cosmo Kramer: [
flinches]
Cosmo Kramer: Bald?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald!
George Costanza: So?
Elaine: [
puts her hands up to her mouth] You're bald!
George Costanza: [
indignantly] No, I'm not!
[
he "beeps" Elaine on the nose]
George Costanza: I... *was* bald.
[
after learning the woman he's attracted to is bald]
George Costanza: No one goes into a barbershop and says "Give me the Larry Fine."
Voice and Arm of Donald Sanger, the Bubble Boy: The Moors.
George Costanza: I'm sorry the answer we were looking for was "Moops."
Jerry Seinfeld: He's a bubble-boy!
George Costanza: A bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, a bubble-boy.
Susan Biddle Ross: What's a bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: He lives in a bubble.
George Costanza: Boy!
Jerry,
George Costanza: Elaine!
Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming afterwards.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
George Costanza: I was in the pool! I WAS IN THE POOL!
George Louis Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry Seinfeld: You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Louis Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.
George Costanza: [
A message on Jerry's answering machine] Hi, this is George. I've got nothing to say.
Jerry Seinfeld: But are you still "Master of your Domain?"
George Costanza: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry Seinfeld: Lord of the Manor.
[
after Elaine is out]
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, Costanza. It's you and me.
George Costanza: And then there were two.
George Costanza: [
Soup Nazi gives him a look] Medium turkey chili.
[
instantly moves to the cashier]
Jerry Seinfeld: Medium crab bisque.
George Costanza: [
looks in his bag and notices no bread in it] I didn't get any bread.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread, $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
[
snaps his fingers. The cashier instantly takes George's soup and gives him back his money]
George Costanza: Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go.
[
gets his soup and looks inside]
George Costanza: Bread. Beautiful.
Soup Nazi: You're pushing your luck little man.
George Costanza: Sorry. Thank you.
[
leaves]
Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, uh -
[
drumming on countertop]
Elaine Benes: Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um... what is that right there? Is that lima bean?
Soup Nazi: Yes.
Elaine Benes: Never been a big fan.
[
coughing]
Elaine Benes: Um... you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, "Scent Of A Woman." Who-ah! Who-ah!
Soup Nazi: Very good. Very good.
Elaine Benes: Well, I...
Soup Nazi: You know something?
Elaine Benes: Hmmm?
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Elaine Benes: What?
Soup Nazi: COME BACK ONE YEAR! NEXT!
George Costanza: [
pretending to be a white supremacist to get a free limo ride] Ahhh, ASTROTURF! You know who's responsible for that, don't ya? The JEWS!
George Costanza: Didja see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry Seinfeld: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
George Costanza: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.
George Costanza: [
about mechanics] Oh, of course their tryin' to screw ya. No one know what they're talkin' about! It's like, "Oh, seems you need a new johnson rod." Oh! Yeah! Johnson rod! Well, get me one of those!
Estelle Costanza: Where have you been? You were supposed to fix the stove! I've been waiting for hours!
Frank Costanza: I fell on some Fusilli
Estelle Costanza: Fusilli?
Frank Costanza: You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. Had to go to the proctologist.
Estelle Costanza: The proctologist? Are you okay?
Frank Costanza: Yeah.
Estelle Costanza: Oh, I was so worried.
[
grabs a couple of tissues from the box]
George Costanza: Ma, don't cry!
Estelle Costanza: Oh, I can't help it!
George Costanza: Ma, your eyes!
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes...
George Costanza: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, it's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, and you gotta get it out, but the more you get out, the more keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse Day...!
Jerry: All right, all right!
Estelle Costanza: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
George Costanza: For a woman.
Frank Costanza: A woman? What are you out of your mind?
Estelle Costanza: Why can't you do anything like a normal person?
Frank Costanza: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
Jerry Seinfeld: So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
George Louis Costanza: No, no, no. It was not trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it in the trash?
George Louis Costanza: Yes.
Jerry Seinfeld: Then it was trash.
George Louis Costanza: It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top.
Jerry Seinfeld: But it was in the cylinder.
George Louis Costanza: Above the rim.
Jerry Seinfeld: Adjacent to refuse is refuse.
George Louis Costanza: It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it eaten?
George Louis Costanza: One little bite.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, that's garbage.
George Louis Costanza: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt.
Jerry Seinfeld: You, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum.
Frank Costanza: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
George Costanza: Why don't we talk about it another time.
Frank Costanza: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.
Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
Frank Costanza: That's perverse.
Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry,
Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry,
Elaine: [
both laughing] Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: [
entering Jerry's apartment] What's so funny?... wha?
George Costanza: [
referring to Kramer and Newman's Risk game] What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's Risk, the game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.
Jerry: Alright. You're on a desert island, you can bring five books. Which five do you take?
George Costanza: I gotta read five books?
Jerry: Okay, only one.
[
George takes a long time to answer]
Jerry: Come on!
George Costanza: Ah! I got it. The Three Musketeers.
Jerry: You've read that?
George Costanza: No. I'm saving it for the island.
George Louis Costanza: Let me tell you something. A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.
George Costanza: To think I'd fail at failing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh come on.
George Costanza: I can’t do anything wrong.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll have to pick myself up, dust myself up, and throw myself right back down again!
Jerry Seinfeld: That's the spirit! You suck.
George Costanza: I know.
George Costanza: You should've seen the look on her face. It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
[
George's answering machine greeting]
George Costanza: [
singing to the tune of the theme from "The Greatest American Hero"] # Believe it or not, George isn't at home, / Please leave a message at the beep. / I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone, / Where could I be? / Believe it or not, I'm not home. #
Jerry Seinfeld: About George's new job: It's amazing! You're getting a secritary! Last week you were taking messages for your mother...
George Costanza: And now someone will be taking messages for ME!
Jerry Seinfeld: ...From your mother.
George Costanza: I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex - I was like an animal. I mean, it was just completely uninhibited.
George Costanza: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: [
pause] It's not like that at all.
[
about Kramer attending a baseball fantasy camp]
George Costanza: His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two thousand dollars to live like him for a week: do nothing, fall ass backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. *That’s* a fantasy camp.
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza".
Jerry Seinfeld: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: Allow me. Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free, farm fresh eggs.
Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
George Costanza: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
Clarence: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
George Costanza: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships.
[
Laughs]
George Costanza: The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence?
[
Laughs]
George Costanza: .
Clarence: [
Defensively] We had to abandon ship.
George Costanza: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
Clarence: The boat sank!
George Costanza: [
Holding up Kramer's book] According to this, it took 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence.
[
pause]
George Costanza: So, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?
George Costanza: You're a good friend. If you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.
[
leaves]
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You're kidding?
Cosmo Kramer: No, no, I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe you're a friend of mine.
Cosmo Kramer: What kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Cosmo Kramer: I thought I DID!
George Costanza: [
Elaine thinks her boyfriend is a super hero] Who is this? Blue Arrow?
Elaine Benes: No, Green Lantern.
Jerry Seinfeld: We found out his super power is lack of money.
Elaine Benes: Very funny.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine Benes: Ha ha.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
Elaine Benes: All right, that's enough.
George Costanza: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
Elaine Benes: Well crafted.
[
leaves]
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[
George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[
George Nods]
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?
George Costanza: Two cups in the front, two loops in the back... how do they do it?
George Costanza: Oh my God, that's Saddam Hussein the dictator!
Cosmo Kramer: Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that
[
Kramer shows newspaper]
Cosmo Kramer: <-remove blank quote.
Jerry Seinfeld: What now?
[
Jerry reads newspaper]
Jerry Seinfeld: . Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital... Yeah, so?
Cosmo Kramer: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
Elaine Benes: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
Cosmo Kramer: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry Seinfeld: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George Costanza: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Jerry Seinfeld: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.
Cosmo Kramer: George, why would I, a Julliard trained dermatologist, send him to another doctor?
George Costanza: Because, you're not a dermatologist.
George Costanza: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I, I love that George.
George Costanza: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!
George Costanza: What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George Costanza: What is that?
Jerry Seinfeld: Star Trek 2.
George Costanza: Wrath of Khan!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.
George Costanza: It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah.
