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Jerry Seinfeld (Character)
from "Seinfeld" (1990)

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"Seinfeld: The Betrayal (#9.8)" (1997)

George Costanza: So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what?
Elaine Benes: George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
George Costanza: Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.

Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!
George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.

Jerry Seinfeld: You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! Is there anything else?
Elaine Benes: I can't tell you!
Jerry Seinfeld: Here, drink this.

Elaine Benes: [drunk] George knows that you slept with Nina; that's why he was acting so weird.
Jerry Seinfeld: How did he find out?
Elaine Benes: [holding a miniature bottle enthusiastically] He "schnapped" me!

[arriving in India]
Elaine Benes: Oh, God; it's so hot! And what is that smell?
Jerry Seinfeld: I think it's the stench of death.

Elaine Benes: Oh, boy; there's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here am I with a bunch of my idiot friends.
Jerry Seinfeld: [excitedly] This is gonna be great!

George Costanza: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Coach to India: only way to go.

Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: You just asked me two minutes ago.
["Two Minutes Ago"]
Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm not wearin' a watch.

[Jerry is disgusted by Newman's beautiful girlfriend's affection for Newman]
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, come on... You know he's a postman, don't you?

[Elaine popped into Jerry's apartment just as Nina was leaving Jerry's bedroom]
Elaine Benes: Who else you got back there?
Jerry Seinfeld: Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before!
Elaine Benes: You *slept with Nina.* What are you gonna tell George?
Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing - and neither will you. George can never know about this: It'll crush him.
Elaine Benes: All right, all right; I'll put it in the vault.
Jerry Seinfeld: No good. Too many people know the combination.
Elaine Benes: What combination?
[Jerry mimes drinking from a bottle]

Cosmo Kramer: Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.
George Costanza: "FDR"?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Jerry Seinfeld: Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer: *Evil* eye.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George Costanza: Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Every day is my birthday.

Elaine Benes: You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail: invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.
Elaine Benes: Not the point. The wedding is in one week; I got this today.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you think it's a non-vite.
Elaine Benes: It's an un-vitation.

[Elaine reads the wedding invitation from Sue Ellen Mischke]
Elaine Benes: Hey, look at this: Pinter Ranawat? I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat.
Jerry Seinfeld: It's probably like "Smith" over there.

[discussing why Jerry and Nina never dated]
Jerry Seinfeld: We were too compatible. Our conversations were so engrossing.
George Costanza: How engrossing?
Jerry Seinfeld: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.
George Costanza: [chuckles with surprise, then shows worry] You don't, uh, have a replacement lined up for me, do you?
[continues chuckling]
George Costanza: [Jerry chuckles knowingly and smiles]
Jerry Seinfeld: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses - I need an awkward pause.
George Costanza: I'm all awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.

George Costanza: Wait a minute - Nina just saw me in my Timberlands. Now, I have to wear them every time I see her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
George Costanza: In any other shoe, I lose two inches; I can't have a drop-down. We were eye-to-eye; I can't go eye-to-chin.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?
George Costanza: In every situation, no matter how silly I look.

["Eleven Years Earlier"]
[Jerry is moving into his new apartment; Kramer emerges from his, wearing a bathrobe]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld; I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer: You must be Kessler.
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, actually, it's "Kramer."... Uh, do you need any help, or - ?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, thanks. But, I ordered a pizza; you want some of it?
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, no, no; I couldn't impose.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours.
Cosmo Kramer: [leaning against the door-frame and looking around in wonder] Really?

"Seinfeld: The Wizard (#9.15)" (1998)

George Costanza: What's that?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
George Costanza: How much was it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
George Costanza: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Jerry Seinfeld: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.

George Costanza: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Jerry Seinfeld: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?
George Costanza: At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.

[Elaine is apathetic about maintaining her relationship with Puddy]
Jerry Seinfeld: Still no Puddy?
Elaine Benes: Eh, I think he's answering machine's broken, so I just gave up.

[Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross]
Jerry Seinfeld: House in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

Cosmo Kramer: Boys, I'm retiring!
Jerry Seinfeld: [Incredulously] From what?

[Jerry is visiting his parents in Florida; Kramer enters]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in?
[Kramer goes straight to the refrigerator]
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Cosmo Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, you can't live down here! This is where people come to die.
[Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld look up in horror]
Jerry Seinfeld: Not you. *Older* people.

Helen Seinfeld: [slapping a cookie from Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?
Cosmo Kramer: Mmm, that sounds great, Mom.
Jerry Seinfeld: You feed him, he'll never leave.

[Elaine can't figure out whether her new boyfriend is black. She's talking to Jerry on the telephone]
Jerry Seinfeld: So, did you figure out Darryl's... you know?
Elaine Benes: Nah, I've given up, so now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.... Figure that'll cover us either way.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're a master of race relations.

[Elaine and Jerry are talking on the telephone]
Elaine Benes: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes - preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
Elaine Benes: [laughs] Who are they running against?
Jerry Seinfeld: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

[Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment]
George Costanza: Jerry?
Elaine Benes: He's still down with his folks.
George Costanza: What are you doing here?
Jerry Seinfeld: [worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?*
Elaine Benes: [ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no.
George Costanza: He asked you to get the mail?
Elaine Benes: Mm-hmm.
George Costanza: [George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
George Costanza: Well, what about the mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.
George Costanza: All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.
[hangs up]

"Seinfeld: The Maid (#9.19)" (1998)

Cindy: [in reference to slacking off on her duties] Well, I made the bed.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, but after you took a nap in it!

George Costanza: Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza".
Jerry Seinfeld: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?

Jerry: Hello?
Operator: You hve a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy,don't say no!
Jerry: Accept.

Jerry: Well,where are you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of first, and first. Wait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the center of the universe!

Elaine Benes: [Taking about Jerry's relationship with his maid] Have you gone out?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes! We have!
Elaine Benes: Where?
Jerry Seinfeld: To the store.
Elaine Benes: What, to get cleaning supplies?
Jerry Seinfeld: A-and gum!
Elaine Benes: Oh, that's nice. Nothing's more satisfying than diddlin' the maid and cheing some gum.

Jerry Seinfeld: [phone rings] Hello?
Operator: [Elaine points to door, and Jerry shoos her off] You have a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy, don't say no!
Jerry Seinfeld: [sighs] Accept.

Jerry Seinfeld: [Talking about Kramer being lost] What's around you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm looking at Ray's pizza. You know where that is?
Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks surprised] Is it Famous Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: [Looks] No, it's just original.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks even more suprised] Famous ORIGINAL Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: It's just original, Jerry!

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what street are you on?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the corner of first, and first. ait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? i must be at the nexus of the universe!

"Seinfeld: The Merv Griffin Show (#9.6)" (1997)

George Costanza: I don't get these birds; they're breakin' the deal! It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.
Jerry Seinfeld: So they're like everyone else.

[entering Celia's apartment, Jerry admires her toy collection]
Jerry Seinfeld: Where did you get all these?
Celia: My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long, painful bout with -
Jerry Seinfeld: SuperBall!

Jerry Seinfeld: You ran over some pigeons? How many?
George Costanza: Whatever they had.

George Costanza: Miranda thinks I'm a butcher, but - it's not my fault, is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry Seinfeld: Of course we have a deal: They get out of the way of our cars; we look the other way on the statue defecations.

Jerry Seinfeld: So Miranda's cooled on you?
George Costanza: I'm gettin' nothin'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, me neither.
George Costanza: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, the sex is wild, but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!

Elaine Benes: I was sittin' there, making Cup-a-Soup, singing that song from The Lion King.
Jerry Seinfeld: "Hakuna Matata"?
Elaine Benes: [ashamedly] I thought I was alone.
Jerry Seinfeld: That doesn't make it right.

Jerry Seinfeld: See, to me, the "Hakuna Matata" is not nearly as embarrassing as the Cup-a-Soup.
Elaine Benes: Would you just... let it go?

"Seinfeld: The Postponement (#7.2)" (1995)

George Costanza: [to Jerry] You're a good friend. If you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.
[George leaves]
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You're kidding!
Cosmo Kramer: No, no. I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're supposed to be a friend of mine!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Cosmo Kramer: I thought I did!

Jerry: So, you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Jerry: Another caffè latte?
Cosmo Kramer: You better believe it.
Jerry: Since when are you so trendy?
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, baby, I set the trends! Who do you think started this whole caffè latte?
Jerry: I don't recall you drinking caffè lattes.
Cosmo Kramer: I've been drinking caffè lattes since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.

Jerry: Let me take a guess: she cried, and you caved.
George Costanza: How did you know that?
Jerry: I live and breathe, my friend. I live and breathe.

Jerry: Elaine, if I could say a word here about the Jewish people: that man
[the Rabbi]
Jerry: in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.

"Seinfeld: The Race (#6.10)" (1994)

Lois: So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry?
Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will.

Jerry Seinfeld: I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run.
Elaine Marie Benes: So now Duncan is back?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's back. And I knew he would be someday. Man that's some tart cider!

Lois: So you were the fastest kid in school.
Jerry Seinfeld: Faster than a speeding bullet Lois.

Jerry Seinfeld: And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus.

The Seinfeld Chronicles (1989) (TV)

Jerry: Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night! The only difference between a date and a job interview is that not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I, I, I admit it, I'm not getting the signals, I am not getting it. Women - they're so *subtle*, their little - everything they do is *subtle*. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women! That's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know about that, we don't know. The next stop after that we have *no* *idea* - this is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far!

Jerry: Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is. No, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind of dancing around in there. Shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon, babe, let's go!" You come by, you open up the lid, & they all...
[wide-eyed startled shifty look]

Jerry: Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They do escape from the dryer. They plan it the night before. "Tomorrow. The dryer. I'm going. You wait here." The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall.
[stands stiffly sideways, looking furtively both ways]
Jerry: He hopes you don't see him, and he goes down the road, da da da, da da da da.
[hand motion of a sock inching along the road]
Jerry: They get buttons sewn on their face, join the puppet show!

"Seinfeld: The Contest (#4.11)" (1992)

Jerry Seinfeld: But are you still "Master of your Domain?"
George Costanza: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry Seinfeld: Lord of the Manor.

Jerry Seinfeld: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man, we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.
Elaine Benes: Oh, that is such baloney! I shave my legs.
Cosmo Kramer: [while eating] Not everyday.

Jerry Seinfeld: But... are you still Master of your domain?
Elaine Benes: I'm queen of the castle.

[after Elaine is out]
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, Costanza. It's you and me.
George Costanza: And then there were two.

"Seinfeld: The Couch (#6.5)" (1994)

Jerry Seinfeld: And what is his stand on abortion?
Elaine Marie Benes: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: What is his stand... on abortion?
Elaine Marie Benes: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry Seinfeld: How do you know?
Elaine Marie Benes: Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.

Jerry Seinfeld: Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what is it, then? My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: I'm sure it'll come out.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.
Cosmo Kramer: You're making too much of it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function. Happens to be on my sofa... instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
Cosmo Kramer: Right.

Jerry: [after a visit from Poppie] K-Kramer, what is this?
Cosmo Kramer: What is what?
Jerry: This puddle on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: What puddle?
Jerry: That puddle!
Cosmo Kramer: ...I don't know.
Jerry: Is it?... Could it?... Could he have?... IT IS!... POPPIE PEED ON MY SOFA!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry: Well, what is it then?... My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!

Elaine Marie Benes: So what did you end up doing with the couch?
Jerry Seinfeld: I gave it to George.
Elaine Marie Benes: Did you tell him it was peed on?
Jerry Seinfeld: He said he was going to flip the cushion.

"Seinfeld: The Label Maker (#6.12)" (1995)

[Kramer and Newman are playing Risk]
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: It's the game of global domination being played by two men who can barely run their own lives.

George Costanza: [referring to Kramer and Newman's Risk game] What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's Risk, the game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

Newman: [Jerry has just insulted Newman] Jerry, I'm a little offended.
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.

"Seinfeld: The Dinner Party (#5.13)" (1994)

Jerry Seinfeld: Look to the Cookie Elaine, look to the Cookie.

Jerry Seinfeld: And a black and white Cookie for me, peace.

Jerry Seinfeld: Another babka?

"Seinfeld: The Stakeout (#1.1)" (1990)

George Costanza: She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk."
Jerry: Uh, the four worst words in the English language.
George Costanza: That, or "Whose bra is this?"
Jerry: [wincing and nodding] That is worse.

George Costanza: Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane.
Jerry: Really, how?
George Costanza: Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Anything in the lip area is good.
Jerry: Lip area, yeah.
George Costanza: A hug, definitely good.
Jerry: Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart.
George Costanza: Those are brutal.
Jerry: You know how they do that.
George Costanza: Also, you know a shake is bad.
Jerry: Right, a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes.
George Costanza: The hand sandwich.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
George Costanza: [after her actual arrival and greeting] The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.

Jerry: [of George's fanny pack] Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

"Seinfeld: The Burning (#9.16)" (1998)

Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George Costanza: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
Elaine: So you think Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.

Jerry: Sophie, it's me! I know about the tractor story! And I'm fine with it!
Sophie: How could you know?
Jerry: Shhh! Shhh! But I'm not going to let something like this ruin what could be a meaningful relationship.
Mickey Abbott: [Kramer and Mickey enter] You gave me gonorrhea and you didn't even tell me!
Cosmo Kramer: I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it!
Mickey Abbott: Well, you should have told me!
Jerry: I'm with somebody!
Sophie: No, I understand! This can be a difficult thing to deal with! But the important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, she's right.
Sophie: But of course, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
Sophie: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it because I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: [stunned] All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night everybody!
[leaves]

Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That sounds about right. Hey, did you hear the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the donuts?
Elaine: Jerry, I'm not in the mood.
George Costanza: [to the waitress] I'll have some coffee and a donut.

"Seinfeld: The Serenity Now (#9.3)" (1997)

Jerry: [Sarcastically] Kramer, I love you.
Cosmo Kramer: [Without missing a beat] I love you too, buddy!

[after Patty breaks up with Jerry]
Jerry: [crying] What is this salty discharge?
Elaine Benes: Oh, my God. You're crying.
Jerry: This is horrible! I *care*!

Jerry: I don't think more flan is the answer!

"Seinfeld: The Jacket (#2.3)" (1991)

Jerry Seinfeld: What are we suppose to tell him?
George Costanza: We'll tell him we're frightened and we need to go home.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe!

Alton Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza: Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Alton Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. There's nothing funny about that!

Elaine Benes: My father thinks George is gay.
Jerry Seinfeld: Because of all the singing?
Elaine Benes: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.

"Seinfeld: The Chinese Woman (#6.4)" (1994)

George Louis Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry Seinfeld: You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Louis Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.

Jerry Seinfeld: You know, you're not Chinese.

"Seinfeld: The Library (#3.5)" (1991)

Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well what do girls do?
Elaine: Nothing. We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.

Jerry: [returning book] Any way, I hope there's no hard feelings.
Lt. Bookman: Hard feelings, what do you know about hard feelings? Ever have a man die in your arms? Ever kill somebody?
Jerry: What is your problem?
Lt. Bookman: What's my problem, punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a Pit Bull on a Poodle.
[quit exit]
Jerry: That is one tough monkey.

"Seinfeld: The Non-Fat Yogurt (#5.7)" (1993)

Maryedith: Well I hope you're happy.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
Maryedith: Now every word out of my son's mouth is f
[bleeped]
Maryedith: . You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my F
[bleeped]
Maryedith: ing cupcake?

Jerry Seinfeld: Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's Yogurt lately does that have fat in it?
Maryedith: No
[bleep]
Maryedith: - ing way.

"Seinfeld: The Alternate Side (#3.11)" (1991)

Rental Car Agent: Wouldf you like to purchase the renter's insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance because I'm going to beat the HELL out of this thing.

Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.

"Seinfeld: The Puffy Shirt (#5.2)" (1993)

Cosmo Kramer: You'll be the first modern-day pirate, Jerry!
Jerry: But I don't want to be a pirate!

Jerry Seinfeld: But I don't wanna be a pirate.

"Seinfeld: The Yada Yada (#8.19)" (1997)

Beth: [at wedding making fun of a dentist sitting in front of them] Hey, what do you call a doctor who failed out of med school?
Jerry: What?
Beth: A dentist.
Jerry: [both laugh] Dentists. Who needs ‘em?
Beth: Yeah. Same goes for those blacks and Jews.
[episode ends on Jerry's shocked expression on his face]

Jerry: Alright. You're on a desert island, you can bring five books. Which five do you take?
George Costanza: I gotta read five books?
Jerry: Okay, only one.
[George takes a long time to answer]
Jerry: Come on!
George Costanza: Ah! I got it. The Three Musketeers.
Jerry: You've read that?
George Costanza: No. I'm saving it for the island.

"Seinfeld: The Frogger (#9.18)" (1998)

[Shlomo is playing the Frogger machine outside]
George Costanza: What are you guys doing?
Shlomo: Eat the fly! Eat the fly! Got him!
George Costanza: You idiots! You're gonna wear down the battery.
Slippery Pete: The batteries are fine. We've got... oh, God. Only 3 minutes left.
George Costanza: Quick! Get this thing back in the pizzeria!
Cosmo Kramer: George, they closed up.
George Costanza: I need an outlet!
Slippery Pete: A what?
George Costanza: Holes! I need holes!
Cosmo Kramer: The pharmacy is still open.
George Costanza: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You two, go sweep-talk the pharmacist.
Slippery Pete: You owe me a quarter.
George Costanza: Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Cosmo Kramer: [as he unwinds the police tape, only one lane long] Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
Jerry Seinfeld: Come on, George, I'll help you push it across.
George Costanza: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Jerry Seinfeld: By yourself?
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Jerry Seinfeld: I remember that night.
George Costanza: Oh, I was unstoppable. Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella. Just a right amount of grease on the joystick.

"Seinfeld: The Subway (#3.13)" (1992)

Jerry: You realize of course you're naked?
Naked Man: Naked, dressed, I don't see any difference.
Jerry: You oughtta sit here. There's a difference.
Naked Man: You got something against a naked body?
Jerry: I got something against yours.

Naked Man: I'm not ashamed of my body.
Jerry: Exactly. That's your problem. You should be.

"Seinfeld: The Apartment (#2.5)" (1991)

Jerry Seinfeld: People don't turn down money. This is what separates us from animals.

Cosmo Kramer: I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but - - you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel anxious, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, 'cause I'm a pod.
Jerry: [Jerry shrugs in agreement]

"Seinfeld: The Gymnast (#6.6)" (1994)

Jerry Seinfeld: So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
George Louis Costanza: No, no, no. It was not trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it in the trash?
George Louis Costanza: Yes.
Jerry Seinfeld: Then it was trash.
George Louis Costanza: It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top.
Jerry Seinfeld: But it was in the cylinder.
George Louis Costanza: Above the rim.
Jerry Seinfeld: Adjacent to refuse is refuse.
George Louis Costanza: It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it eaten?
George Louis Costanza: One little bite.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, that's garbage.
George Louis Costanza: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt.
Jerry Seinfeld: You, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum.

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry Seinfeld: Boy, you can really talk some trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] I guess that's better than eating it.

"Seinfeld: The Millennium (#8.20)" (1997)

George Costanza: To think I'd fail at failing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh come on.
George Costanza: I can’t do anything wrong.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll have to pick myself up, dust myself up, and throw myself right back down again!
Jerry Seinfeld: That's the spirit! You suck.
George Costanza: I know.

Jerry Seinfeld: By the way, Newman, when you booked the hotel, did you remember to book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well that's funny because as everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until 2001. Which would make your party one year late. And thus, quite lame. Oh!
Newman: Cheap.

"Seinfeld: The Soup Nazi (#7.6)" (1995)

George Costanza: [Soup Nazi gives him a look] Medium turkey chili.
[instantly moves to the cashier]
Jerry Seinfeld: Medium crab bisque.
George Costanza: [looks in his bag and notices no bread in it] I didn't get any bread.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread, $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
[snaps his fingers. The cashier instantly takes George's soup and gives him back his money]

Jerry Seinfeld: What are you gonna get?
Sheila: I'll decide at the last minute.
Jerry Seinfeld: You better decide, sister. You're on deck.
[Sheila kisses him]
Jerry Seinfeld: Sheila!
Soup Nazi: [pounds on the counter hard] HEY!
Jerry Seinfeld: Uh oh.
Soup Nazi: What is this? You're kissing in my line? NOBODY KISSES IN MY LINE!
Sheila: I can kiss anywhere I want to.
Soup Nazi: You just cost yourself a soup!
Sheila: HOW DARE YOU! C'mon Jerry, we're leaving.
[leaves the soup kitchen, but Jerry stays. Sheila comes back in]
Sheila: Jerry?
Jerry Seinfeld: Do I know you?

"Seinfeld: The Strongbox (#9.14)" (1998)

George Costanza: [Elaine thinks her boyfriend is a super hero] Who is this? Blue Arrow?
Elaine Benes: No, Green Lantern.
Jerry Seinfeld: We found out his super power is lack of money.
Elaine Benes: Very funny.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine Benes: Ha ha.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
Elaine Benes: All right, that's enough.
George Costanza: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
Elaine Benes: Well crafted.
[leaves]

Elaine Benes: [Elaine reenters] I forgot my glasses.
Jerry Seinfeld: He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!
Elaine Benes: Keep 'em.
[leaves]

"Seinfeld: The Stall (#5.12)" (1994)

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh you're crazy
Jerry Seinfeld: Am I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's impossible
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? or is it so possible your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry Seinfeld: It can't be
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Alright that's enough
Cosmo Kramer: Yeaaaaah!

"Seinfeld: The Hamptons (#5.20)" (1994)

Jerry, George Costanza: Elaine!
Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming afterwards.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

"Seinfeld: The Outing (#4.17)" (1993)

[repeated line]
Jerry Seinfeld: [on homosexuality] Not that there's anything wrong with that!

"Seinfeld: The Implant (#4.19)" (1993)

Elaine Marie Benes: You've dated women with nose jobs before, so what's the big deal?
Jerry Seinfeld: You don't touch the nose, you don't aspire to reach the nose, you don't unhook anything to get to the nose and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril!

"Seinfeld: The Strike (#9.10)" (1997)

[about a free sub card]
Elaine: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it.
Jerry: No, you walk out.
Elaine: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
Jerry: No, you wait for the movie.

"Seinfeld: The Bottle Deposit (#7.20)" (1996)

Jerry Seinfeld: [as auto mechanic approaches] Hey, Tony.
Tony: Thanks for coming in Jerry.
Jerry Seinfeld: Sure.
Tony: [mood shift] I think I know what's going here.
Jerry Seinfeld: [huh? frown]
Tony: [getting moody] And I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me Jerry. Ya know that motor oil you're putting in there? From one of those quickie lube places, isn't it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well I change it so often...
Tony: [interrupting] Jerry, motor oil is the life blood of a car. Okay, ya put in a low grade oil you can damage vital engine parts, okay? See this gasket?
[throws it down]
Tony: I have no confidence in that gasket.
Jerry Seinfeld: [trying to respond]
Tony: Here's what I wanna do. I want to overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under 60 miles an hour for a while. Ya gotta come in and ya gotta get the oil changed every 1000 miles.
Jerry Seinfeld: How much money is this gonna cost me?
Tony: [snort] I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. Ya know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry Seinfeld: The washer fluid is fine.
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, ya know what, um. I just wanna take my car and I'm gonna bring it some place else.
Tony: What do you mean?
Jerry Seinfeld: Just... can I have my car? I'm going to pay my bill, and I'm going to be on my way.
Tony: Well the car is on the lift.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well just get it down.
Tony: Alright. Okay, wait here, and I'll uh, I'll bring it around.
[walks away]
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, thanks very much.
Elaine Benes: [arriving] Hey, where's the car?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's bringing it.
Tony: [squeals away in Jerry's car, leaving Jerry and Elaine stranded]

"Seinfeld: The Pen (#3.3)" (1991)

Helen Seinfeld: You're going underwater?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.
Helen Seinfeld: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?
Jerry Seinfeld: What's so special up here?

"Seinfeld: The Secretary (#6.9)" (1994)

Jerry Seinfeld: About George's new job: It's amazing! You're getting a secritary! Last week you were taking messages for your mother...
George Costanza: And now someone will be taking messages for ME!
Jerry Seinfeld: ...From your mother.

"Seinfeld: The Truth (#3.2)" (1991)

Jerry Seinfeld: Hold it just a second, let's not lose our heads here, Kramer you know your always welcome in my home, but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned that's another story.

"Seinfeld: The Nose Job (#3.9)" (1991)

Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex - I was like an animal. I mean, it was just completely uninhibited.
George Costanza: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: [pause] It's not like that at all.

"Seinfeld: The Jimmy (#6.18)" (1995)

Cosmo Kramer: [talking about Dr. Whatley's dentistry practice in a slurred voice] He's got a new policy. Adults only. It's great. You don't have to watch your language.
Jerry: You feel the need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist?
Cosmo Kramer: When they pull that needle out, I let the ex-ple-tives fly!

"Seinfeld: The Visa (#4.15)" (1993)

Jerry: What happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and I was pitching, and I was really, you know, throwing some smoke! And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man, that guy you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow, Joe Pepitone.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back on the same place, so... I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh yeah! Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know. A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down and, whoa man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.

"Seinfeld: The Wife (#5.17)" (1994)

Jerry: I love saying "my wife," once I started saying it, I couldn't stop: "my wife this, my wife that." It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Cosmo Kramer: "My wife has an inner-ear infection."
Jerry: See?
Cosmo Kramer: I like that.

"Seinfeld: The Limo (#3.19)" (1992)

George Costanza: Didja see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry Seinfeld: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
George Costanza: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.

"Seinfeld: The Junior Mint (#4.21)" (1993)

Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.

"Seinfeld: The Pitch (#4.3)" (1992)

Jerry Seinfeld: [Kramer puts on his new helmet he just traded for] Does that thing work?
Cosmo Kramer: [almost before Jerry is even finished] Nah.

"Seinfeld: The Marine Biologist (#5.14)" (1994)

George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George Nods]
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?

"Seinfeld: The Stranded (#3.10)" (1991)

George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says "make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure - "make love to me." What, am I in the circus?

"Seinfeld: The Bris (#5.5)" (1993)

Cosmo Kramer: Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that
[Kramer shows newspaper]
Cosmo Kramer: <-remove blank quote.
Jerry Seinfeld: What now?
[Jerry reads newspaper]
Jerry Seinfeld: . Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital... Yeah, so?
Cosmo Kramer: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
Elaine Benes: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
Cosmo Kramer: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry Seinfeld: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George Costanza: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Jerry Seinfeld: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.

"Seinfeld: The Pledge Drive (#6.3)" (1994)

Elaine: Um, what does Nana sound like?
Jerry: Like a grandmother, why?
Elaine: Well...
Jerry: Oh, you hung up on my Nana?
Elaine: I don't know, maybe.
Jerry: You told Nana to drop dead?
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: Yes, it is!

"Seinfeld: The Ex-Girlfriend (#2.1)" (1991)

Marlene: I'm sorry Jerry, I just can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!

"Clerks: The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal Are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their Lives (#1.2)" (2000)

Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
Dante Hicks: I'm on a break.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does 2% milk...
Dante Hicks: I said I don't care. Get out.
Gwyneth Paltrow: But I have a membership. Paltrow, Gwyneth.
Randal Graves: I said get out.
Dante Hicks: We're closed. Get out.
Randal Graves: Get the hell out, Scorsese.
Dante Hicks: Screw you, Miss Hepburn.
Randal Graves: Up yours, Matt Damon.
[Randal throws a soda at Matt Damon]

"Seinfeld: The Beard (#6.15)" (1995)

[Jerry is trying to figure out a way to get out of admitting he watches "Melrose Place"]
Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Costanza?

"Seinfeld: The Bubble Boy (#4.7)" (1992)

Jerry Seinfeld: He's a bubble-boy!
George Costanza: A bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, a bubble-boy.
Susan Biddle Ross: What's a bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: He lives in a bubble.
George Costanza: Boy!

"Seinfeld: The Finale: Part 1 (#9.23)" (1998)

Cosmo Kramer: [after Jerry tells Kramer he's moving to California] You're moving to California?
Jerry: Yeah!
Cosmo Kramer: But Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years. You might never come back!
Jerry: No, I'll be back.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, it's L.A., nobody leaves. She's a suductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.

"Seinfeld: The Heart Attack (#2.8)" (1991)

Jerry: [Watching two paramedics fighting] All this over a Chuckle.
Cosmo Kramer: What's a Chuckle?
Jerry: It's a jelly candy, comes in five flavors.

"Seinfeld: The Chicken Roaster (#8.8)" (1996)

Jerry Seinfeld: Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli, its good for you.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
[Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece]
Newman: Gladly.
[Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!

"Seinfeld: The Switch (#6.11)" (1995)

Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: [both laughing] Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: [entering Jerry's apartment] What's so funny?... wha?

"Seinfeld: The Phone Message (#2.4)" (1991)

Donna: Is there anything else I should know about you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, I'm lactose intolerant. I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it.

"Seinfeld: The Shower Head (#7.15)" (1996)

[Morty learns "The Tonight Show" is taped in the afternoon and aired at night]
Morty Seinfeld: How long has this been going on?
Jerry Seinfeld: [off-handedly] Thirty years.

"Seinfeld: The Robbery (#1.2)" (1990)

Elaine: Jerry, come on, you're doing okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.
Jerry: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here!
Elaine: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.

"Seinfeld: The Voice (#9.2)" (1997)

Cosmo Kramer: They're redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerry: Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is, it's my idea.
Jerry: Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or spending the 200 million you don't have part?

"Seinfeld: The Calzone (#7.19)" (1996)

Cosmo Kramer: [hunched over a massive pile of change] Hey buddy.
Jerry: What the hell is all this?
Cosmo Kramer: It's my change. I need quarters for the dryer.
Jerry: Why can't you do this on your own table?
Cosmo Kramer: Because I don't have a table.

"Seinfeld: The Deal (#2.9)" (1991)

Jerry: [Discussing The Deal with Elaine] Because this...
[gesturing between them]
Jerry: is very good.
Elaine: [Gesturing to the bedroom] And that would be good.
Jerry: That would be good too.
[repeating gestures]
Jerry: See the idea's to combine this and that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Elaine: Yeah, we just want to take this and... add that.
[Jerry makes a "There you have it" gesture]

"Seinfeld: The Little Jerry (#8.11)" (1997)

Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: Allow me. Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free, farm fresh eggs.
Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?

"Seinfeld: The Old Man (#4.18)" (1993)

George Costanza: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, it's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, and you gotta get it out, but the more you get out, the more keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse Day...!
Jerry: All right, all right!

"Seinfeld: The Statue (#2.6)" (1991)

George Costanza: Oh my god, it's exactly the same.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
George Costanza: When I was 10 years old, my parents had the very same statue on the mantle, in our apartment exactly, and one day I grabbed it, as a microphone, I was singing Mac Arthur's park, and I got to the part about The'yll never have the recipe again, and it slipped out of my hand and broke, my parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments, to this day they bring it up, it was the single most damaging moment of my life, aside from seeing my Father naked.

"Seinfeld: The Slicer (#9.7)" (1997)

Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat] This slicer is indomitable.
Jerry: Where did you get that butcher's coat?
Cosmo Kramer: You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything.

"Seinfeld: The Pool Guy (#7.8)" (1995)

George Costanza: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I, I love that George.
George Costanza: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

"Seinfeld: The Foundation (#8.1)" (1996)

George Costanza: What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George Costanza: What is that?
Jerry Seinfeld: Star Trek 2.
George Costanza: Wrath of Khan!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.
George Costanza: It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah.