Jerry Seinfeld
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Quotes for
Jerry Seinfeld (Character)
from "Seinfeld" (1989)

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"Seinfeld: The Betrayal (#9.8)" (1997)
George Costanza: So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what?
Elaine Benes: George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
George Costanza: Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.

Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!
George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.

Jerry Seinfeld: You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! Is there anything else?
Elaine Benes: I can't tell you!
Jerry Seinfeld: Here, drink this.

Elaine Benes: [drunk] George knows that you slept with Nina; that's why he was acting so weird.
Jerry Seinfeld: How did he find out?
Elaine Benes: [holding a miniature bottle enthusiastically] He "schnapped" me!

[arriving in India]
Elaine Benes: Oh, God; it's so hot! And what is that smell?
Jerry Seinfeld: I think it's the stench of death.

Elaine Benes: Oh, boy; there's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here am I with a bunch of my idiot friends.
Jerry Seinfeld: [excitedly] This is gonna be great!

George Costanza: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Coach to India: only way to go.

Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: You just asked me two minutes ago.
["Two Minutes Ago"]
Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm not wearin' a watch.

[Jerry is disgusted by Newman's beautiful girlfriend's affection for Newman]
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, come on... You know he's a postman, don't you?

[Elaine popped into Jerry's apartment just as Nina was leaving Jerry's bedroom]
Elaine Benes: Who else you got back there?
Jerry Seinfeld: Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before!
Elaine Benes: You *slept with Nina.* What are you gonna tell George?
Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing - and neither will you. George can never know about this: It'll crush him.
Elaine Benes: All right, all right; I'll put it in the vault.
Jerry Seinfeld: No good. Too many people know the combination.
Elaine Benes: What combination?
[Jerry mimes drinking from a bottle]

Cosmo Kramer: Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.
George Costanza: "FDR"?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Jerry Seinfeld: Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer: *Evil* eye.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George Costanza: Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Every day is my birthday.

Elaine Benes: You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail: invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.
Elaine Benes: Not the point. The wedding is in one week; I got this today.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you think it's a non-vite.
Elaine Benes: It's an un-vitation.

[Elaine reads the wedding invitation from Sue Ellen Mischke]
Elaine Benes: Hey, look at this: Pinter Ranawat? I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat.
Jerry Seinfeld: It's probably like "Smith" over there.

[discussing why Jerry and Nina never dated]
Jerry Seinfeld: We were too compatible. Our conversations were so engrossing.
George Costanza: How engrossing?
Jerry Seinfeld: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.
George Costanza: [chuckles with surprise, then shows worry] You don't, uh, have a replacement lined up for me, do you?
[continues chuckling]
George Costanza: [Jerry chuckles knowingly and smiles]
Jerry Seinfeld: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses - I need an awkward pause.
George Costanza: I'm all awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.

George Costanza: Wait a minute - Nina just saw me in my Timberlands. Now, I have to wear them every time I see her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
George Costanza: In any other shoe, I lose two inches; I can't have a drop-down. We were eye-to-eye; I can't go eye-to-chin.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?
George Costanza: In every situation, no matter how silly I look.

["Eleven Years Earlier"]
[Jerry is moving into his new apartment; Kramer emerges from his, wearing a bathrobe]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld; I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer: You must be Kessler.
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, actually, it's "Kramer."... Uh, do you need any help, or - ?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, thanks. But, I ordered a pizza; you want some of it?
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, no, no; I couldn't impose.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours.
Cosmo Kramer: [leaning against the door-frame and looking around in wonder] Really?

Jerry Seinfeld: What the hell is email?


"Seinfeld: The Soup (#6.7)" (1994)
[Jerry and George are at Monk's Cafe]
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh no, it's Kenny Bania.
George Costanza: Who's he?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, he's this awful comedian.

Kenny: Oh, Jerry, you know what just hit me? I was thinking - What size suit are you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Ahh, I'm a 40. Why?
Kenny: I just got a brand new Armani suit - doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I don't know if I...
Kenny: Oh, come on. Why should it just sit in the closet?
Elaine Benes: An Armani suit?
George Costanza: Take the suit!
Jerry Seinfeld: Well... okay, I guess...

Kramer: What, you're giving him this suit?
Kenny: That's right, and it's an Armani.
Kramer: Armani? Hey, Armani, Jerry.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, yes, I heard.
Kramer: Come on, try it on.
Jerry Seinfeld: No, it's okay.
Kramer: Come on, I want to see how it fits.
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, all right.
Kramer: There you go.
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, yeah, all right.
Kramer: Oh boy, that looks great. I can't believe you're giving him this.
Kenny: I don't even want anything for it.
Kramer: He's very generous, isn't he?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, yes, he is.
Kenny: I'll tell you what - you can take me out to dinner some time.
Jerry Seinfeld: [in tones of dread] Dinner?
Kenny: Yeah. You buy me a meal - you can't get a better deal than that.
Kramer: No, you'll never get a better deal than that!

Kramer: All right, ooh, look at that Armani, huh? Yeah.
[Jerry takes the jacket off and throws it onto the table]
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, that's a deal. That's a horrible deal. I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I'd rather make my own suit.
George Costanza: [entering Jerry's apartment] I did it! It's all done!
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey!
[raises hands into "fists of encouragement"]
George Costanza: I did it. Hunh. We're going out as soon as she gets off of work and it'll still be daytime. You know I, I'm much better in the daytime than I am at night. It's less pressure.
Jerry Seinfeld: I love the day date. No wine, no shower.

Kramer: And I got a date with that waitress that works at Reggie's.
Jerry Seinfeld: [thinking of George's date with waitress Kelly] Boy, if I could meet a hostess, we could open up our own place.

Kenny: You know, I was thinking, if you're not busy, maybe I could get my meal today?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, you wanna get that meal, don't you?

Kenny: You worn the suit yet?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, not yet.
Hildy: [the waitress comes up] Have you decided?
Kenny: Oh, get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'll have the salmon.
Hildy: And you?
Kenny: Ahh, you know what I think. I'm just going to have soup. Yeah, I'll save the meal for another time.
Jerry Seinfeld: Another time? What other time?
Kenny: I had a hot dog earlier. I'm not that hungry.
Jerry Seinfeld: No, no, Bania, no. This is the dinner. The soup counts.
Kenny: Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm not stopping you from eating. Go ahead and eat. Get anything you want.
Kenny: I don't want anything but soup.
Jerry Seinfeld: Then that's the meal.
Kenny: But I had the hot dog.
Jerry Seinfeld: I didn't tell you to have a hot dog. Who told you to have a hot dog?
Kenny: Hey, I give you a brand-new Armani suit, and you won't even buy me a meal?
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, fine. Get the soup!

[Jerry and George are at Monk's]
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no, it's Kenny. Slide out so he can't sit down.
[George and Jerry each slide to the end of their booth seats]
Kenny: Hey.
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey.
Kenny: You worn the suit yet?
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it.
Kenny: You did?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm joking.
Kenny: OH! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can I squeeze in?
George Costanza: [bleakly] Sure you can.
Kelly: Can I take your order?
Kenny: What kind of soup do you have?
Jerry Seinfeld: Why don't you get a sandwich?
Kenny: Okay, I'll have tomato soup and, ah, tuna on toast.
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay. This is it, you know. This is the meal, so stock up, buddy boy.
Kenny: What are you talking about? This isn't a meal.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes it is. Soup and sandwich. That is a meal.
Kenny: You're supposed to buy me dinner in a nice restaurant, like Mendy's.
Jerry Seinfeld: I tried to do that.
Kenny: This is lunch in a coffee shop.
Jerry Seinfeld: Doesn't matter, this is it. This completes the transaction.
Kenny: Ah, soup and a sandwich for a brand-new Armani suit. Is that any kind of gesture?

Jerry Seinfeld: [answering the phone] Hello? No, I'm sorry, Bania. I'm not going over this again. Well, who told you to order soup?... No! There's no dinner. There's not going to be any dinner. You've had a sandwich and two bowls of soup and that's it. Good-bye.
[He hangs up the phone and turns to Simon]
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, what size suit are you?
Simon: 40.
Jerry Seinfeld: 40. Perfect. Brand-new Armani suit, you want it?
Simon: Absolutely!
Jerry Seinfeld: Great, it's yours. I can't stand the sight of it. Elaine, here's the car keys.
Elaine Benes: Thanks.
[the telephone rings again]
Jerry Seinfeld: Yo?
Kenny: Listen, Jerry, I've been doing some thinking. I want my suit back.

Jerry Seinfeld: So, you just pretended it didn't bother you?
George Costanza: What is that, 'boyfriend'? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?
Jerry Seinfeld: Boy, it's the way they just slip that in there, too.
George Costanza: Yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. 'Oh, my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.' Well, that's fabulous.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?
George Costanza: I said, 'Would you like to go for a walk or something?'
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, a walk, well...
George Costanza: Or something. I said, 'Or something'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Or something. Yeah, that's a date.
George Costanza: [missing the sardonic tone] There you go!
Jerry Seinfeld: You know, there is always the possibility that she called an audible.
George Costanza: What do you mean?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.
George Costanza: I think things were going okay. We were having a nice conversation.
Jerry Seinfeld: Uh huh.
George Costanza: I mentioned how I liked horse manure.
Jerry Seinfeld: You did?
George Costanza: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.
George Costanza: Yeah. You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. You know, you have a 'newer,' with a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. It's not bad.
Jerry Seinfeld: And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?
George Costanza: Yeah. Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts a positive spin on it.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.
George Costanza: So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?
Jerry Seinfeld: My honest opinion, I think she made it up.

Jerry Seinfeld: So he just gets soup. He wants to save the meal. So now I got to do it all over again.
Elaine Benes: What kind of soup did he get?
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't know. Consomme or something.
Elaine Benes: Consomme, hmm.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
Elaine Benes: Well, that's not really a meal, Jerry. I mean, if he had gotten Chicken Gumbo, or Matzah Ball, or Mushroom Barley. Then I would agree with you. Those are very hearty soups.
Jerry Seinfeld: Elaine, you're missing the whole point.
Elaine Benes: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: The meal is the act of sitting down with him. It doesn't matter what you get. As long as he's sitting in that restaurant, it's a meal.
Elaine Benes: Was it a cup or a bowl?
Jerry Seinfeld: You see - ah, uh...
Elaine Benes: I'm just curious.
Jerry Seinfeld: A bowl, okay?
Elaine Benes: Did he crumble any crackers in it?
[Jerry exhales in exasperation]
Elaine Benes: Did he crumble any crackers in it?
Jerry Seinfeld: As a matter of fact, he did.
Elaine Benes: Oh, well. Crackers in a bowl. That, that could be a meal.
Jerry Seinfeld: It's like I'm talking to my Aunt Sylvia here.


"Seinfeld: The Wizard (#9.15)" (1998)
George Costanza: What's that?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
George Costanza: How much was it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
George Costanza: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Jerry Seinfeld: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.

George Costanza: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Jerry Seinfeld: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?
George Costanza: At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.

[Elaine is apathetic about maintaining her relationship with Puddy]
Jerry Seinfeld: Still no Puddy?
Elaine Benes: Eh, I think he's answering machine's broken, so I just gave up.

[Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross]
Jerry Seinfeld: House in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

Cosmo Kramer: Boys, I'm retiring!
Jerry Seinfeld: [Incredulously] From what?

[Jerry is visiting his parents in Florida; Kramer enters]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in?
[Kramer goes straight to the refrigerator]
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Cosmo Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, you can't live down here! This is where people come to die.
[Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld look up in horror]
Jerry Seinfeld: Not you. *Older* people.

Helen Seinfeld: [slapping a cookie from Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?
Cosmo Kramer: Mmm, that sounds great, Mom.
Jerry Seinfeld: You feed him, he'll never leave.

[Elaine can't figure out whether her new boyfriend is black. She's talking to Jerry on the telephone]
Jerry Seinfeld: So, did you figure out Darryl's... you know?
Elaine Benes: Nah, I've given up, so now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.... Figure that'll cover us either way.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're a master of race relations.

[Elaine and Jerry are talking on the telephone]
Elaine Benes: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes - preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
Elaine Benes: [laughs] Who are they running against?
Jerry Seinfeld: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

[Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment]
George Costanza: Jerry?
Elaine Benes: He's still down with his folks.
George Costanza: What are you doing here?
Jerry Seinfeld: [worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?*
Elaine Benes: [ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no.
George Costanza: He asked you to get the mail?
Elaine Benes: Mm-hmm.
George Costanza: [George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
George Costanza: Well, what about the mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.
George Costanza: All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.
[hangs up]


"Seinfeld: The Bookstore (#9.17)" (1998)
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Sarcastically] Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.
[George is about to go into the bathroom. He grabs a book on his way in]
Cosmo Kramer: Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.
Jerry Seinfeld: She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?
Cosmo Kramer: [Remembering] No, that wasn't dancing.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Pointing] Hey, there's Leo.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh? Who's Leo?
Jerry Seinfeld: Uncle Leo!
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name...

George Costanza: They made me buy it... A hundred bucks this thing cost me.
[George gestures to the book]
George Costanza: How dare they? I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Sarcastically] Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.
George Costanza: They're selling coffee, bran muffins... you're surrounded by reading material... It's entrapment!
Jerry Seinfeld: [Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy] 'French Impressionist Paintings'?
George Costanza: I find the soothing pastoral images very conduc...
Jerry Seinfeld: [Cutting him off] Thank you very much.

Jerry Seinfeld: [as Elaine walks up, disheveled] Sleeping in the caragain?
Elaine Benes: Cocktail flu.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Remembering] Oh, right. The big party...
George Costanza: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
Elaine Benes: No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many...
George Costanza: You went home with him?
Elaine Benes: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!
Jerry Seinfeld: [Rubbing it in] Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?
Elaine Benes: [Gives Jerry a look] Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?
Jerry Seinfeld: What's your position?
Elaine Benes: *I* am an *associate*.
George Costanza: Hey, me too.
[Waitress walks up]
Waitress: Yeah, me too.
Elaine Benes: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.
George Costanza: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.
Elaine Benes: Ooh... right. 'Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.
Jerry Seinfeld: As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
Elaine Benes: Ooh, bravo.

Jerry Seinfeld: Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.

Cosmo Kramer: [to Newman] See, we should've gotten some collateral from him... Like his bag of cans, or... his other bag of cans.
Newman: We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.
[Newman and Kramer both go to leave]
Jerry Seinfeld: To the Idiotmobile!

Elaine Benes: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.
Jerry Seinfeld: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.
Elaine Benes: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it: the Detox Poncho.

Jerry Seinfeld: Leo, I saw you in Berntano's
Uncle Leo: Why didn't you saw "hello"?
Jerry Seinfeld: Because you were too busy stealing a book!
Uncle Leo: You still say "hello"!

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, check this out. Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well, we're gonna make it happen!
Jerry: No, you're not.
Cosmo Kramer: Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
Jerry: No, he doesn't.
Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!
Jerry: Yes, it can.
Cosmo Kramer: We'll start out with one, and then when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet.
Newman: It's the romance of the Hansom Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.
Jerry: So, who's gonna pull this thing?
Cosmo Kramer: [Perplexed, to Newman] . Well, I just assumed you would.
Newman: [to Kramer] Yeah, but I thought...
Cosmo Kramer: Di-di-di-di... No
Jerry: My, isn't this an awkward moment.
Cosmo Kramer: [Thinking] What about the homeless?
Newman: Can't we worry about them later?
Cosmo Kramer: To pull the rickshaw.
Newman: They do have an intimate knowledge of the streets...
Cosmo Kramer: They're always just walking around the city. Why not just strap something to them?
Jerry: Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day.


"Seinfeld: The Maid (#9.19)" (1998)
Cindy: [in reference to slacking off on her duties] Well, I made the bed.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, but after you took a nap in it!

George Costanza: Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza".
Jerry Seinfeld: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?

Jerry: Hello?
Operator: You hve a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy,don't say no!
Jerry: Accept.

Jerry: Well,where are you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of first, and first. Wait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!

Elaine Benes: [Taking about Jerry's relationship with his maid] Have you gone out?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes! We have!
Elaine Benes: Where?
Jerry Seinfeld: To the store.
Elaine Benes: What, to get cleaning supplies?
Jerry Seinfeld: A-and gum!
Elaine Benes: Oh, that's nice. Nothing's more satisfying than diddlin' the maid and chewing some gum.

Jerry Seinfeld: [phone rings] Hello?
Operator: [Elaine points to door, and Jerry shoos her off] You have a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy, don't say no!
Jerry Seinfeld: [sighs] Accept.

Jerry Seinfeld: [Talking about Kramer being lost] What's around you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm looking at Ray's pizza. You know where that is?
Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks surprised] Is it Famous Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: [Looks] No, it's just original.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks even more suprised] Famous ORIGINAL Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: It's just original, Jerry!

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what street are you on?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the corner of first, and first. ait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? i must be at the nexus of the universe!


"Seinfeld: The Little Jerry (#8.11)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: Allow me. Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free, farm fresh eggs.
Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?

Jerry: [consoling George] If you two were meant to be together, I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something...

Jerry: George is dating a prisoner.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, what's she in for?
George Costanza: Embezzlement.
Cosmo Kramer: Sounds like a nice girl.

Jerry: [getting ready of cock fight] Look at the size of his bird.
Cosmo Kramer: That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.

Jerry: Kramer, cockfighting is illegal.
Cosmo Kramer: Only in the United States.

Jerry: Well, we barely knew the guy.
Elaine Benes: So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.
Jerry: That's the way it works.
Elaine Benes: When did you tell George to be here?
Jerry: I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?
Elaine Benes: About five.
Jerry: That's enough.
[They leave. George comes around the corner]
George Costanza: [looks at his watch] Early! Alright!
[shivers]
George Costanza: Cold.

Jerry: So he just shaves his head for no reason?
George Costanza: That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

Jerry: Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change.
Elaine Benes: Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to?


"Seinfeld: The Merv Griffin Show (#9.6)" (1997)
George Costanza: I don't get these birds; they're breakin' the deal! It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.
Jerry Seinfeld: So they're like everyone else.

[entering Celia's apartment, Jerry admires her toy collection]
Jerry Seinfeld: Where did you get all these?
Celia: My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long, painful bout with -
Jerry Seinfeld: SuperBall!

Jerry Seinfeld: You ran over some pigeons? How many?
George Costanza: Whatever they had.

George Costanza: Miranda thinks I'm a butcher, but - it's not my fault, is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry Seinfeld: Of course we have a deal: They get out of the way of our cars; we look the other way on the statue defecations.

Jerry Seinfeld: So Miranda's cooled on you?
George Costanza: I'm gettin' nothin'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, me neither.
George Costanza: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, the sex is wild, but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!

Elaine Benes: I was sittin' there, making Cup-a-Soup, singing that song from The Lion King.
Jerry Seinfeld: "Hakuna Matata"?
Elaine Benes: [ashamedly] I thought I was alone.
Jerry Seinfeld: That doesn't make it right.

Jerry Seinfeld: See, to me, the "Hakuna Matata" is not nearly as embarrassing as the Cup-a-Soup.
Elaine Benes: Would you just... let it go?

George Costanza: [George and Jerry are seated as guests on "The Merv Griffin Show"] So, they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
Cosmo Kramer: El Paso, I spent a month there one night.
Newman: [laughing hard] El Paso!
Jerry Seinfeld: What's he here for?
Cosmo Kramer: He takes some of the pressure off of me. So Jerry what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. Hmmm
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually it's kind of a funny story.She has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.
Cosmo Kramer: Well it sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?
Newman: Are you married right now?
[Kramer slaps Newman]
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out.
Cosmo Kramer: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love.
George Costanza: Ah come on! You got to get me over there!
Cosmo Kramer: Wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?
[to Newman]
Cosmo Kramer: Could we pause a moment?
[Newman turns on "commercial break music"]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business but when your on my set, you clean it up mister!
Newman: I told you he was a risk.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh like he's not just carrying you and has been for years!
Newman: Yeah? Well you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs.
[Kramer mediates]
Cosmo Kramer: ["Commercial music" ends] Smile everyone we're back.


"Seinfeld: The Yada Yada (#8.19)" (1997)
Beth: [at wedding making fun of a dentist sitting in front of them] Hey, what do you call a doctor who failed out of med school?
Jerry: What?
Beth: A dentist.
Jerry: [both laugh] Dentists. Who needs 'em?
Beth: Yeah. Same goes for those blacks and Jews.
[episode ends on Jerry's shocked expression on his face]

Jerry: Alright. You're on a desert island, you can bring five books. Which five do you take?
George Costanza: I gotta read five books?
Jerry: Okay, only one.
[George takes a long time to answer]
Jerry: Come on!
George Costanza: Ah! I got it. The Three Musketeers.
Jerry: You've read that?
George Costanza: No. I'm saving it for the island.

Father Curtis: [in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son.
Jerry: Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
Father Curtis: That's no sin.
Jerry: Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian!

Elaine Benes: Anyway, guess what. Beth Lipner called me.
Jerry: Ooohh, Beth Lipner. I'm still waiting out that marriage.
Elaine Benes: What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried.
Jerry: I gotta get on that internet, I'm late on everything!

George Costanza: Listen to this! Marcy comes over and she tells me her ex-boyfriend comes over late last night "and yada yada yada, I'm really tired today"!
Jerry: What do you think she was tired from?
George Costanza: Well, obviously the yada yada. You don't think she'd "yada yada" sex.
Elaine Benes: [raising her hand] I've "yada yada'd" sex.
George Costanza: Really?
Elaine Benes: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine Benes: No, I mentioned the bisque.

Jerry: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke, and he got all offended! Those people can be so touchy.
Cosmo Kramer: "Those people"? Listen to yourself!
Jerry: What?
Cosmo Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream!
Jerry: Whatley's from Jersey!
Cosmo Kramer: And now he's a full-fledged American!
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist
Cosmo Kramer: And you're an anti-dentite!
Jerry: I am *not* an anti-dentite!
Cosmo Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you'll be saying, "They should have their own schools"!
Jerry: They *do* have their own schools!
Cosmo Kramer: [points at Jerry] Yeah!


"Seinfeld: The Contest (#4.11)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: But are you still "Master of your Domain?"
George Costanza: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry Seinfeld: Lord of the Manor.

Jerry Seinfeld: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man, we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.
Elaine Benes: Oh, that is such baloney! I shave my legs.
Cosmo Kramer: [while eating] Not everyday.

Jerry Seinfeld: But... are you still Master of your domain?
Elaine Benes: I'm queen of the castle.

[after Elaine is out]
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, Costanza. It's you and me.
George Costanza: And then there were two.

Elaine Benes: [Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention] So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Still staring at the woman] Uh-huh.
George Costanza: Have a good time.

Jerry Seinfeld: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
George Costanza: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous... then I got a look at the patient...
[laughs, then snorts]
George Costanza: I was going nuts.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
George Costanza: [Fake sympathy] Well, my mother, Jerry...


"Seinfeld: The Fire (#5.19)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: You boo me? You hiss? You couldn't stop blathering through the whole set?
Toby: Oh, c'mon, I thought you were a pro, that's part of the show.
Jerry Seinfeld: No. Not part of the show. Booing and hissing are not part of the show. You boo puppets. You hiss villains in silent movies.

Jerry Seinfeld: So you feel women and children first in this day and age is somewhat of an antiquated notion?
George Costanza: To some degree.
Jerry Seinfeld: So basically it's every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves?
George Costanza: In a manner of speaking.

Jerry Seinfeld: So what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?
George Costanza: Yeah. Eric the clown put it out with his big shoe.

Jerry Seinfeld: You kept making all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.

Elaine Benes: What do we need the pinky toe for?
Jerry Seinfeld: Because, Elaine, that's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home.
Elaine Benes: Why don't you just shut the fu... up?

Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!


"Seinfeld: The Jacket (#2.3)" (1991)
George Costanza: If she doesn't show up, we can't possibly have dinner with him alone.
Jerry Seinfeld: How are we gonna get out of it?
George Costanza: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe!

Alton Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza: Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Alton Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. There's nothing funny about that!

Elaine Benes: My father thinks George is gay.
Jerry Seinfeld: Because of all the singing?
Elaine Benes: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.

Jerry Seinfeld: What is this?
[picks a jacket of the rack]
Jerry Seinfeld: This is beautiful.
[holds it up for Elaine to see]
Jerry Seinfeld: These jackets never fit me right.
Elaine Benes: Try it on.
Elaine Benes: Hmmm! Wow! This is soft suede.
Jerry Seinfeld: This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.
Jerry Seinfeld: How much is it?
Elaine Benes: [surprised] Oh... my... God!
Jerry Seinfeld: Bad ?
[Elaine nods]
Jerry Seinfeld: Very bad?
Elaine Benes: You have no idea.
Jerry Seinfeld: I have some idea.
Elaine Benes: No idea.
Jerry Seinfeld: I've got a ball park.
Elaine Benes: There is no park and the team has re-located.

George Costanza: Master of the house, keeper of the inn...
[Jerry proudly models his new jacket in front of George. George looks in admiration at the jacket]
George Costanza: This is huge! When did this happen?
Jerry Seinfeld: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet an social challenge.
George Costanza: [Nods] Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely.
George Costanza: It's fabulous.

[George is singing "Master of the House" from Les Miserables]
Jerry Seinfeld: What is that song?
George Costanza: Oh, it's from Les Miserables. I went to see it last week. I can't get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. I sing it in front of clients. It's taking over my life.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know, Schumann went mad from that.
George Costanza: Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, you idiot.
George Costanza: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?
Jerry Seinfeld: You don't know Robert Schumann? The composer?
George Costanza: Oh, Schu-MANN. Of course.
Jerry Seinfeld: He went crazy from one note. He couldn't get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.
George Costanza: Really? Well, what if it doesn't stop?
[Jerry shrugs his shoulders]


"Seinfeld: The Postponement (#7.2)" (1995)
George Costanza: [to Jerry] You're a good friend. If you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.
[George leaves]
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You're kidding!
Cosmo Kramer: No, no. I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're supposed to be a friend of mine!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Cosmo Kramer: I thought I did!

Jerry: So, you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Jerry: Another caffè latte?
Cosmo Kramer: You better believe it.
Jerry: Since when are you so trendy?
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, baby, I set the trends! Who do you think started this whole caffè latte?
Jerry: I don't recall you drinking caffè lattes.
Cosmo Kramer: I've been drinking caffè lattes since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.

Jerry: Let me take a guess: she cried, and you caved.
George Costanza: How did you know that?
Jerry: I live and breathe, my friend. I live and breathe.

Jerry: Elaine, if I could say a word here about the Jewish people: that man
[the Rabbi]
Jerry: in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.


"Seinfeld: The Race (#6.10)" (1994)
Lois: So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry?
Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will.
[Jerry winks at camera, like in the Superman movie]

Jerry Seinfeld: I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run.
Elaine Marie Benes: So now Duncan is back?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's back. And I knew he would be someday. Man that's some tart cider!

Lois: So you were the fastest kid in school.
Jerry Seinfeld: Faster than a speeding bullet Lois.

Jerry Seinfeld: And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus.

Jerry Seinfeld: [Opening scene, Lois's office] Ready to go Lois?
Lois: You really like to say my name? Don't you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Excuse me Lois. Stand back Lois. Jimmy's in trouble Lois.


"Seinfeld: The Finale (#9.22)" (1998)
Cosmo Kramer: [after Jerry tells Kramer he's moving to California] You're moving to California?
Jerry: Yeah!
Cosmo Kramer: But Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years. You might never come back!
Jerry: No, I'll be back.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, it's L.A., nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.

Jerry Seinfeld: [In Prison] So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough.

Jerry Seinfeld: [the conversation from the pilot episode of 'Seinfeld'] See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry Seinfeld: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, maybe we have.

Jerry: That's him, the bubble boy!
Jackie Chiles: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He's a boy who lives in a bubble.
Bubble Boy: The hell you all looking at?


"Seinfeld: The Label Maker (#6.12)" (1995)
George Costanza: [referring to Kramer and Newman's Risk game] What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

Jerry: I'm not letting you cheat Newman. You're not getting anywhere near that board.
Newman: Jerry, I'm a little insulted.
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.

Jerry: Well if you get him something for his birthday, I'm a 12.

Jerry: Newman! He's going with Newman!
George Costanza: How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
Jerry: Newman's his mailman.
George Costanza: Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?
Jerry: Who goes anywhere with Newman?


"Seinfeld: Good News, Bad News (#1.0)" (1989)
Jerry: Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night! The only difference between a date and a job interview is that not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I, I, I admit it, I'm not getting the signals, I am not getting it. Women - they're so *subtle*, their little - everything they do is *subtle*. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women! That's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know about that, we don't know. The next stop after that we have *no* *idea* - this is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far!

Jerry: Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is. No, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind of dancing around in there. Shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon, babe, let's go!" You come by, you open up the lid, & they all...
[wide-eyed startled shifty look]

Jerry: Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They do escape from the dryer. They plan it the night before. "Tomorrow. The dryer. I'm going. You wait here." The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall.
[stands stiffly sideways, looking furtively both ways]
Jerry: He hopes you don't see him, and he goes down the road, da da da, da da da da.
[hand motion of a sock inching along the road]
Jerry: They get buttons sewn on their face, join the puppet show!


"Seinfeld: The Stakeout (#1.1)" (1990)
George Costanza: She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk."
Jerry: Uh, the four worst words in the English language.
George Costanza: That, or "Whose bra is this?"
Jerry: [wincing and nodding] That is worse.

George Costanza: Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane.
Jerry: Really, how?
George Costanza: Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Anything in the lip area is good.
Jerry: Lip area, yeah.
George Costanza: A hug, definitely good.
Jerry: Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart.
George Costanza: Those are brutal.
Jerry: You know how they do that.
George Costanza: Also, you know a shake is bad.
Jerry: Right, a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes.
George Costanza: The hand sandwich.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
George Costanza: [after her actual arrival and greeting] The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.

Jerry: [of George's fanny pack] Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

Jerry: [small talk] So, do you date immature men.
Vanessa: Almost exclusively.


"Seinfeld: The Seven (#7.13)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: "Seven"? Yeah, I guess I can see it: seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches per beating and eventually seven years to life.

Elaine: [Elaine's is in pain from her neck] Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.
Jerry: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.
Elaine: Ach, maybe.
Jerry: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
Elaine: I don't know.
Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
Elaine: [patience exhausted] You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?
Jerry: Awright.

Jerry: [George plans to name his first child "Seven"] Awright, let's see. How about Mug? Mug Costanza, that's original. Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl.
George Costanza: Alright, you having a good time there?
Jerry: [Jerry is in the kitchen, and opens a cupboard] I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
George Costanza: Awright already! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge?
Cosmo Kramer: No, that's yours. My half is gone.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef?
Jerry Seinfeld: You cannot buy half a can of soda.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: That is the sound of you buying a whole can.


"Seinfeld: The Little Kicks (#8.4)" (1996)
Jerry: I don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.

George Costanza: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?
George Costanza: More like a full body dry heave set to music.

Elaine Benes: [after Kramer informs her that her dancing is terrible] Jerry, so I stink?
Jerry: All right! You're beyond stink!
Elaine Benes: But I really enjoy dancing.
Jerry: And that's not helping either.

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you did him a favor. He probably wants to come up and thank you.
Jerry: What if I didn't do it right?
Cosmo Kramer: It's your first time. He'll understand.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.


"Seinfeld: The Junior Mint (#4.20)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.

Jerry: Hey.
George Costanza: Hi...
[George is watching "Home Alone"]
Jerry: What are doing, are you crying?
George Costanza: No...
[he takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes]
Jerry: You're crying from "Home Alone"?
George Costanza: The old man got to me.

Jerry: Mulva?

Doctor: You know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but I think there were other factors at play here.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps... from above.
Cosmo Kramer: [pulls a box of Junior Mints from his jacket] Mint?
Doctor: Those can be very refreshing.


"Seinfeld: The Marine Biologist (#5.14)" (1994)
[last lines]
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
George: [reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George Nods]
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?
Jerry: Well, the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh yes they did Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.

Jerry: [Opening scene: In Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the phone] Elaine, see this t-shirts. Six years I've had this t-shirt. It's my best one. I call it... Golden Boy.
Elaine Benes: I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here, touch Golden Boy!
Elaine Benes: No thanks.
[to the phone]
Elaine Benes: Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
Jerry: But, see. Look at the collar. See it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer. That's what makes the t-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine Benes: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolite?
Jerry: No! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash! Spin! Rinse! Spin! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!

Elaine Benes: [Closing scene as they leave the restaurant] Are you in a bad mood?
Jerry: No, I just got my laundry back.
Elaine Benes: Ohhh. Golden Boy?
Jerry: He didn't make it.
Elaine Benes: I'm sorry.
Jerry: This is Golden Boy's son, Baby Blue.
[Elaine rolls her eyes]

Jerry: [after Elaine mentions Tolstoy] Hey, you know what? I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day. Did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War - What Is It Good For?"
Elaine Benes: Ha, ha.
Jerry: No, no. I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true. His mistress didn't like the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace".
Elaine Benes: But it's a line from that song.
Jerry: That's were they got it from.
Elaine Benes: Really?
Jerry: I'm not joking.


"Seinfeld: The Couch (#6.5)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: And what is his stand on abortion?
Elaine Marie Benes: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: What is his stand... on abortion?
Elaine Marie Benes: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry Seinfeld: How do you know?
Elaine Marie Benes: Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.

Jerry Seinfeld: Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what is it, then? My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: I'm sure it'll come out.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.
Cosmo Kramer: You're making too much of it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function. Happens to be on my sofa... instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
Cosmo Kramer: Right.

Jerry: [after a visit from Poppie] K-Kramer, what is this?
Cosmo Kramer: What is what?
Jerry: This puddle on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: What puddle?
Jerry: That puddle!
Cosmo Kramer: ...I don't know.
Jerry: Is it?... Could it?... Could he have?... IT IS!... POPPIE PEED ON MY SOFA!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry: Well, what is it then?... My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!

Elaine Marie Benes: So what did you end up doing with the couch?
Jerry Seinfeld: I gave it to George.
Elaine Marie Benes: Did you tell him it was peed on?
Jerry Seinfeld: He said he was going to flip the cushion.


"Seinfeld: The Library (#3.5)" (1991)
Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well what do girls do?
Elaine: Nothing. We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.

Jerry: [returning book] Any way, I hope there's no hard feelings.
Lt. Bookman: Hard feelings, what do you know about hard feelings? Ever have a man die in your arms? Ever kill somebody?
Jerry: What is your problem?
Lt. Bookman: What's my problem, punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a Pit Bull on a Poodle.
[quit exit]
Jerry: That is one tough monkey.

Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me.
Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship... spinster... maybe a virgin... maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: And eventually a little shot of penicillin.


"Seinfeld: The Non-Fat Yogurt (#5.7)" (1993)
Maryedith: Well I hope you're happy.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
Maryedith: Now every word out of my son's mouth is f
[bleeped]
Maryedith: . You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my F
[bleeped]
Maryedith: ing cupcake?

Jerry Seinfeld: Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's Yogurt lately does that have fat in it?
Maryedith: No
[bleep]
Maryedith: - ing way.

Elaine Benes: Que Rico!
Jerry Seinfeld: Suave!


"Seinfeld: The Suicide (#3.15)" (1992)
Gina: [Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry: I can't. What if he wakes up.
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma.

Cosmo Kramer: So what's going on between you and Gina?
Jerry: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. So we're in the room, and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
Cosmo Kramer: See, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what'd you do?
Jerry: Nothing.
Cosmo Kramer: What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?

Gina: Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?
Jerry: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.
Gina: Who are these Stooges you speak of?
Jerry: They're a comedy team.
Gina: Tell me about them. Everything.
Jerry: Well, they're three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.
Gina: You will show me The Stooges?
Jerry: I will show you The Stooges.


"Seinfeld: The Shower Head (#7.15)" (1996)
[Morty learns "The Tonight Show" is taped in the afternoon and aired at night]
Morty Seinfeld: How long has this been going on?
Jerry Seinfeld: [off-handedly] Thirty years.

Cosmo Kramer: All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Jerry Seinfeld: Not from the footage I've seen.

Jerry Seinfeld: C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.
Uncle Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.
Jerry Seinfeld: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.


"Seinfeld: The Opposite (#5.21)" (1994)
George Costanza: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.
Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George Costanza: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea.
Elaine Benes: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
George Costanza: [Sarcastically] Good for the tuna.
Elaine Benes: [a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George Costanza: So what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine Benes: Go talk to her.
George Costanza: Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George Costanza: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry Seinfeld: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George Costanza: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
George Costanza: [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria: Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
George Costanza: [Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria: I'm Victoria. Hi.

Elaine Benes: [Closing scene at Monk's. Elaine is telling Jerry and Kramer how, by eating Jujyfruits, she couldn't tell Mr. Lippman to take his handkerchief. Because he didn't have it after he sneezed, he didn't shake hands with the Japanese businessmen who were going to buy Pendant Publishing, which led to them not going through with the merger] I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
Jerry Seinfeld: Why'd you have to eat so many?
Elaine Benes: Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
Kramer: Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose?
Elaine Benes: Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't say that.
Elaine Benes: It's true. I'm George! I'm George!

Jerry Seinfeld: [George is telling Jerry he's been hired by the Yankees] The New York Yankees?
George Costanza: The New York Yankees!
Jerry Seinfeld: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle... Costanza?


"Seinfeld: The Cafe (#3.7)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: Babu? Babu?
[waves Babu to come to table]
Jerry Seinfeld: Babu... you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?
Babu Bhatt: The shrimp is stringy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, maybe your refrige...
Babu Bhatt: QUIET! You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody come! You say, "make Pakistani", Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people! There ARE no people!
Jerry Seinfeld: You know, I think I'll just take the check.
Babu Bhatt: You bad man! You very very bad man!
[leaves]
Jerry Seinfeld: [Thinking] Bad man? Could my mother have been wrong?

Jerry Seinfeld: [Opening monologue] There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land in mother ship of Close Encounters, bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going 'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?'

Jerry Seinfeld: [Watching Babu's restaurant with binoculars] He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in.
Elaine Benes: Why do you keep watching?
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, you kind of root for him for a second.
Elaine Benes: And then you flush.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it's a spider.


"Seinfeld: The Tape (#3.8)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?

Jerry Seinfeld: Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?
Elaine Benes: No.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know what that makes you? A baldist.

Kramer: How often do you cut your toe nails?
Jerry Seinfeld: I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.
Kramer: 'cause the other night, you know, I was sleeping with Marion, I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe.


"Seinfeld: The Pony Remark (#2.2)" (1991)
Cosmo Kramer: What, you don't think I can, huh?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no, it's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't and I'm positive that you won't.

Elaine Benes: Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Wonder about what?
Elaine Benes: You know, the spirit world.
Jerry Seinfeld: What, you think Manya
[her spirit]
Jerry Seinfeld: showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
Elaine Benes: I have never seen anyone play so bad like that.
Jerry Seinfeld: But I went to the funeral!
Elaine Benes: Yeah, but that doesn't make up for "killing" her!

Jerry Seinfeld: [ending monologue] What's a pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them besides the pony ride? I mean, police don't use them for , you know, crowd control!


"Seinfeld: The Robbery (#1.2)" (1990)
Elaine: Jerry, come on, you're doing okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.
Jerry: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here!
Elaine: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.

Kramer: How could you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because, I spent all my money on the Clapco D29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw: the door
[closes door]
Jerry: MUST BE CLOSED!

[a police officer at Jerry's apartment, taking notes of articles stolen]
Cop: Let's see, that's one tv, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR, and a computer. Is that about it?
Elaine: Answering machine.
Jerry: *Answering machine*. Boy, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.
Cop: What do you mean?
Jerry: It's a joke.
Cop: I see. Well, Mr Seinfeld, we'll look into it and we'll let you know if we, you know, if we find anything.
Jerry: Do you ever find anything?
Cop: No.


"Seinfeld: The Burning (#9.16)" (1998)
Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George Costanza: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
Elaine: So you think Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.

Jerry: Sophie, it's me! I know about the tractor story! And I'm fine with it!
Sophie: How could you know?
Jerry: Shhh! Shhh! But I'm not going to let something like this ruin what could be a meaningful relationship.
Mickey Abbott: [Kramer and Mickey enter] You gave me gonorrhea and you didn't even tell me!
Cosmo Kramer: I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it!
Mickey Abbott: Well, you should have told me!
Jerry: I'm with somebody!
Sophie: No, I understand! This can be a difficult thing to deal with! But the important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, she's right.
Sophie: But of course, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
Sophie: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it because I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: [stunned] All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night everybody!
[leaves]

Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That sounds about right. Hey, did you hear the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the donuts?
Elaine: Jerry, I'm not in the mood.
George Costanza: [to the waitress] I'll have some coffee and a donut.


"Seinfeld: Male Unbonding (#1.3)" (1990)
Jerry Seinfeld: Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping-Pong?

Elaine Benes: [while snacking away on M&Ms in Jerry's Apartment] Come on, let's go do something. I don't wanna just sit around here.
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay.
Elaine Benes: Wanna go get something to eat?
Jerry Seinfeld: Where do you wanna go?
Elaine Benes: I don't care, I'm not hungry.

Kramer: Hey, you missed a great game tonight Buddy.
Jerry Seinfeld: Game?
Kramer: Knick game! Horneck took me. We're sitting two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by *sweat*!


"Seinfeld: The Checks (#8.7)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: [about Kramer's Japanese house guests] This has international incident written all over it.

George Costanza: He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Who are any of her losers?
George Costanza: You're on that list.

Elaine Benes: Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
Jerry Seinfeld: What song?
Elaine Benes: Desparado.
Jerry Seinfeld: Desperado? I'll tell you who sounds desperado.


"Seinfeld: The Strongbox (#9.14)" (1998)
George Costanza: [Elaine thinks her boyfriend is a super hero] Who is this? Blue Arrow?
Elaine Benes: No, Green Lantern.
Jerry Seinfeld: We found out his super power is lack of money.
Elaine Benes: Very funny.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine Benes: Ha ha.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
Elaine Benes: All right, that's enough.
George Costanza: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
Elaine Benes: Well crafted.
[leaves]

Elaine Benes: [Elaine reenters] I forgot my glasses.
Jerry Seinfeld: He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!
Elaine Benes: Keep 'em.
[leaves]

Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Well, would you look at that. I guess I forgot to lock it.
Jerry Seinfeld: You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, this is one for the books, huh, Jerry? Reeeally one for the books!


"Seinfeld: The Old Man (#4.18)" (1993)
George Costanza: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?
Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, it's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, and you gotta get it out, but the more you get out, the more keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse Day...!
Jerry: All right, all right!

George Costanza: What kind of person *are* you?
Jerry: Pretty much like you, only successful.

Jerry: What's all this stuff?
Sid Fields: Trash. Garbage.
Jerry: You're throwing this out?
Sid Fields: I believe that's what you do with garbage, ya idiot.


"Seinfeld: The Dinner Party (#5.13)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: Look to the Cookie Elaine, look to the Cookie.

Jerry Seinfeld: And a black and white Cookie for me, peace.

Jerry Seinfeld: Another babka?


"Seinfeld: The Serenity Now (#9.3)" (1997)
Jerry: [Sarcastically] Kramer, I love you.
Cosmo Kramer: [Without missing a beat] I love you too, buddy!

[after Patty breaks up with Jerry]
Jerry: [crying] What is this salty discharge?
Elaine Benes: Oh, my God. You're crying.
Jerry: This is horrible! I *care*!

Jerry: I don't think more flan is the answer!


"Seinfeld: The Ex-Girlfriend (#2.1)" (1991)
Marlene: I'm sorry Jerry, I just can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!

Jerry: [in his monologue to his audience at the club] The Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. Because it says waiting room. There's no chance of not waiting. Because they call it the waiting room. They gonna use it. It's set up for you to wait. You sit there and you got your little magazine. You pretend you read it but you're really looking at other people. You know you're thinking about them. Things like:"I wonder what he's got?"

Jerry: So that's it, you're out.
George Costanza: Except for one small problem. I left some books in her apartment.
Jerry: So? Go get them.
George Costanza: No I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward. It could be dangerous. Sexually ,something could happen. I'd be right back where I started from.
Jerry: So forget about the books. Did you read them?
George Costanza: Well, yeah.
Jerry: What do you need them for?
George Costanza: I don't know. They're books.
Jerry: What's the obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies! What do you need it for after you read it?


"Seinfeld: The Beard (#6.15)" (1995)
[Jerry is trying to figure out a way to get out of admitting he watches "Melrose Place"]
Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Costanza?

George Costanza: I told her the truth.
Jerry Seinfeld: As you see it?
George Costanza: Yes, as I see it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?
George Costanza: What hat?
Jerry Seinfeld: You know, you're little hair hat there.


"Seinfeld: The Boyfriend: Part 1 (#3.17)" (1992)
George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry: No, what happened to you?
George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza: Right.
Jerry: What is that?
George Costanza: You're in latex.
Jerry: What do I do with latex?
George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine: [laughing] Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman?
[chuckling]
Jerry: I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza: [angrily] Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

Jerry: Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses in mid-air, mind you, makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. THAT is one magic loogie!


"Seinfeld: The Stall (#5.12)" (1994)
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain. It's her! I'm telling you it's her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry Seinfeld: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Alright that's enough.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeaaaaah!

Jerry Seinfeld: [talking about Tony to Elaine] He's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo.


"Seinfeld: The Wait Out (#7.21)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, uh... what'd you get there?
Cosmo Kramer: I bought Dungarees.
Elaine Benes: Kramer, they're painted on!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, they're slim-fit.
Jerry Seinfeld: Slim-fit?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, they're streamlined.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
Cosmo Kramer: What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all.

[Jerry is struggling to pull Kramer's jeans off]
Jerry Seinfeld: Geez, you need the jaws of life to get these things off.


"Seinfeld: The Pick (#4.13)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: What are you doing?
Elaine Benes: Date with Fred.
Jerry Seinfeld: The religious guy?
Elaine Benes: He's not that religious!
Jerry Seinfeld: Let us pray.

Jerry Seinfeld: A little round circular protuberance!


"30 Rock: SeinfeldVision (#2.1)" (2007)
[Jerry Seinfeld has been digitally inserted in an episode of "Heroes"]
Jerry Seinfeld: [talking to Ando and Hiro on the phone] Save the cheerleader, save the world!
Ando Masahashi: [to Hiro, in Japanese] Save the cheerleader, save the world.
Jerry Seinfeld: [annoyed] Yeah, that's what I said!

Jerry Seinfeld: [Lemon is wearing a wedding dress] Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend.
Liz Lemon: Yes I did.
Jerry Seinfeld: And it went well?
Liz Lemon: No. It didn't, Jer. A woman answered.
Jerry Seinfeld: Another woman already? What did you say to her?
Liz Lemon: [starts breaking down] I did a fake survey!
Jerry Seinfeld: [raises voice in typical Seinfeld manner] You did the fake survey?
Liz Lemon: [raises voice too] I know. I'm not over it! And now I'm wearing this. What is the deal with my life?
Jerry Seinfeld: Are you imitating me?
Liz Lemon: No! This is what I sound like when I cry!
Jerry Seinfeld: I think I'm a little insulted.
Liz Lemon: You're insulted? I'm crying!


"Seinfeld: The Gymnast (#6.6)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
George Louis Costanza: No, no, no. It was not trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it in the trash?
George Louis Costanza: Yes.
Jerry Seinfeld: Then it was trash.
George Louis Costanza: It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top.
Jerry Seinfeld: But it was in the cylinder.
George Louis Costanza: Above the rim.
Jerry Seinfeld: Adjacent to refuse is refuse.
George Louis Costanza: It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it eaten?
George Louis Costanza: One little bite.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, that's garbage.
George Louis Costanza: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt.
Jerry Seinfeld: You, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum.

Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry Seinfeld: Boy, you can really talk some trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] I guess that's better than eating it.


"Seinfeld: The Lip Reader (#5.6)" (1993)
Kramer: Jerry, do me a favor. Next time you see that lineswoman, ask her how ball boys get that job. I'd love to do that.
Jerry Seinfeld: I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity- It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men.

George Costanza: All right. All right. What, what are they saying?
[the gang eavesdrops on Gwen and Todd's conversation with Laura watching, reading their lips, signs, and Kramer translating her sign language]
Kramer: [translating] Hi, Gwen. High tide.
Jerry Seinfeld: High tide?
Kramer: Hi Todd.
[translating]
Kramer: You got something in between your teeth.
George Costanza: Where?
Kramer: No, that's what he said.
[translating]
Kramer: That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup.
[to George]
Kramer: So do I, huh?
Elaine Benes: [to Jerry] So wild! Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, if I lend her to you, I have to lend her to everybody.
Gwen: I don't envy you, Todd. This place is gonna be a mess.
Todd: Well, maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together.
Kramer: [translating] Why don't stick around and we could *sleep* together?
George Costanza: [shocked] What?
Kramer: [translating] You want me to sleep with you?
Todd: I don't wanna sweep alone.
Kramer: [translating] He says, "I don't wanna sleep alone." And she says, "Oh, boy. Love to."
George Costanza: [becoming mad] All right. That's it.
[walks over to them]
George Costanza: So, you get rid of me and now the two of you are gonna sleep together?
Gwen: What? You're crazy!
Kramer: [while translating to Jerry and Elaine] What? You're crazy.
George Costanza: I heard your whole conversation.
Gwen: How?
[George looks the other way as Laura signs it]
Kramer: [translates] How?
George Costanza: I can read lips. You said, "let's sleep together."
Gwen: No, I didn't! I said "sweep." Let's sweep together, you know, like with a
[while Kramer translates it to Jerry and Elaine]
Gwen: broom, cleaning up?
George Costanza: Sweep?
Kramer, Gwen: Yes. Sweep.


"Seinfeld: The Chinese Woman (#6.4)" (1994)
George Louis Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry Seinfeld: You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Louis Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.

Jerry Seinfeld: You know, you're not Chinese.


"Seinfeld: The Alternate Side (#3.11)" (1991)
Rental Car Agent: Would you like to purchase the renter's insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance because I'm going to beat the HELL out of this thing.

Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.


"Seinfeld: The Frogger (#9.18)" (1998)
[Shlomo is playing the Frogger machine outside]
George Costanza: What are you guys doing?
Shlomo: Eat the fly! Eat the fly! Got him!
George Costanza: You idiots! You're gonna wear down the battery.
Slippery Pete: The batteries are fine. We've got... oh, God. Only 3 minutes left.
George Costanza: Quick! Get this thing back in the pizzeria!
Cosmo Kramer: George, they closed up.
George Costanza: I need an outlet!
Slippery Pete: A what?
George Costanza: Holes! I need holes!
Cosmo Kramer: The pharmacy is still open.
George Costanza: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You two, go sweep-talk the pharmacist.
Slippery Pete: You owe me a quarter.
George Costanza: Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Cosmo Kramer: [as he unwinds the police tape, only one lane long] Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
Jerry Seinfeld: Come on, George, I'll help you push it across.
George Costanza: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Jerry Seinfeld: By yourself?
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Jerry Seinfeld: I remember that night.
George Costanza: Oh, I was unstoppable. Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella. Just a right amount of grease on the joystick.


"Seinfeld: The Invitations (#7.22)" (1996)
George Costanza: She's, uh... gone.
Jerry Seinfeld: Dead?
Elaine Benes: I'm... so sorry George?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, me too.
Cosmo Kramer: Poor Lilly.

Jerry Seinfeld: So I guess... you're not getting married.
George Costanza: Yeah...
Jerry Seinfeld: But...
George Costanza: Yeah?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, now I'm engaged.
George Costanza: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I thought we'd both be getting married.
George Costanza: Hey, what can I tell you?
Elaine Benes: Alright...
George Costanza: Come on, let's get some coffee.
Jerry Seinfeld: We had a pact!


"Seinfeld: The Pen (#3.3)" (1991)
Helen Seinfeld: You're going underwater?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.
Helen Seinfeld: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?
Jerry Seinfeld: What's so special up here?

Jerry Seinfeld: What is going on in this community? Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?


"Seinfeld: The Millennium (#8.20)" (1997)
George Costanza: To think I'd fail at failing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh come on.
George Costanza: I can't do anything wrong.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll have to pick myself up, dust myself up, and throw myself right back down again!
Jerry Seinfeld: That's the spirit! You suck.
George Costanza: I know.

Jerry Seinfeld: By the way, Newman, when you booked the hotel, did you remember to book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well that's funny because as everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until 2001. Which would make your party one year late. And thus, quite lame. Oh!
Newman: Cheap.


"Seinfeld: The Caddy (#7.12)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, what're ya up to?
Cosmo Kramer: Nothin'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Wanna go up to the Bronx and see if there's any flyers on George's car...
Cosmo Kramer: [eagerly] Sure!
Jerry Seinfeld: Guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I?
Cosmo Kramer: Yup.

Jerry Seinfeld: Stan the caddy.
George Costanza: Stan the caddy.


"Seinfeld: The Secretary (#6.9)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: About George's new job: It's amazing! You're getting a secretary! Last week you were taking messages for your mother...
George Costanza: And now someone will be taking messages for ME!
Jerry Seinfeld: ...From your mother.

George Costanza: I am telling you, Jerry, having a secretary is incredible! I don't know why I didn't have one before.
Jerry Seinfeld: Because you didn't have a job?
George Costanza: Perhaps.


"Seinfeld: The Stock Tip (#1.4)" (1990)
Jerry Seinfeld: [opening lines] Went to dinner the other night, check came at the end of the meal. Never liked the "check at the end of the meal" system. Money's a different thing before you eat. before you eat, money has no value. You don't care when you're hungry You sit down in a restaurant, you're like the ruler of an empire. "More drink! Appetizers! Quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives." Than after the meal, you know, you got your pants open, you got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. people are always upset, you know? They're mystified by the check. "What is this? How could this be?"They start passing it around the table, "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?"

Jerry Seinfeld: You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form!


"Seinfeld: The Subway (#3.13)" (1992)
Jerry: You realize of course you're naked?
Naked Man: Naked, dressed, I don't see any difference.
Jerry: You oughtta sit here. There's a difference.
Naked Man: You got something against a naked body?
Jerry: I got something against yours.

Naked Man: I'm not ashamed of my body.
Jerry: Exactly. That's your problem. You should be.


"Seinfeld: The Visa (#4.15)" (1993)
Jerry: What happened?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and I was pitching, and I was really, you know, throwing some smoke! And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man, that guy you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow, Joe Pepitone.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back on the same place, so... I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh yeah! Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know. A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down and, whoa man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.

Jerry: What are lawyers, really?
Jerry: To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country.
Jerry: We're all throwing the dice, playing the game...
Jerry: ...moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem...
Jerry: ...the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box.
Jerry: I think one of the fun things for them is to say "objection".
Jerry: "Objection! Objection, Your Honour."
Jerry: "Objection", of course, is the adult version of "'fraid not".
Jerry: To which the judge can say two things: He can say "overruled", which is the adult version of "'fraid so".
Jerry: Or he can say "sustained", which is the adult version of "duh".


"Seinfeld: The Calzone (#7.19)" (1996)
Cosmo Kramer: [hunched over a massive pile of change] Hey buddy.
Jerry: What the hell is all this?
Cosmo Kramer: It's my change. I need quarters for the dryer.
Jerry: Why can't you do this on your own table?
Cosmo Kramer: Because I don't have a table.

George Costanza: [George had been banned from Paisano's] Well, this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.
Jerry: So what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzone?
George Costanza: What's he gonna do? That's exactly the point! Nobody knows what this guy is capable of. He fires people like it's a bodily function!


"Seinfeld: The Soup Nazi (#7.6)" (1995)
George Costanza: [Soup Nazi gives him a look] Medium turkey chili.
[instantly moves to the cashier]
Jerry Seinfeld: Medium crab bisque.
George Costanza: [looks in his bag and notices no bread in it] I didn't get any bread.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread, $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
[snaps his fingers. The cashier instantly takes George's soup and gives him back his money]

Jerry Seinfeld: What are you gonna get?
Sheila: I'll decide at the last minute.
Jerry Seinfeld: You better decide, sister. You're on deck.
[Sheila kisses him]
Jerry Seinfeld: Sheila!
Soup Nazi: [pounds on the counter hard] HEY!
Jerry Seinfeld: Uh oh.
Soup Nazi: What is this? You're kissing in my line? NOBODY KISSES IN MY LINE!
Sheila: I can kiss anywhere I want to.
Soup Nazi: You just cost yourself a soup!
Sheila: HOW DARE YOU! C'mon Jerry, we're leaving.
[leaves the soup kitchen, but Jerry stays. Sheila comes back in]
Sheila: Jerry?
Jerry Seinfeld: Do I know you?


"Seinfeld: The Wife (#5.17)" (1994)
Jerry: I love saying "my wife," once I started saying it, I couldn't stop: "my wife this, my wife that." It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.
Cosmo Kramer: "My wife has an inner-ear infection."
Jerry: See?
Cosmo Kramer: I like that.

Helen: Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?
Morty: Why the hell didn't you tell us?
Jerry: Listen, Ma...
Meryl: [looking through the drawer] It was in here yesterday!
Jerry: [angrily] Yeah, that's what I said!
Helen: Who is she? When did this happen?
Morty: I told her you'd get married. She thought you'd never do it.
Helen: Morty, you're talking too loud.
Morty: I'm not talking loud!
Helen: You're hurting my eardrum.
Meryl: [looking for the can opener] Well, you must have done something with it!
Jerry: [to Meryl] I'm on the phone!
Helen: Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name?
Jerry: Mom, I'm not married.
Helen: What?
Jerry: I'm not married!
Morty: I knew it, I told ya!


"Seinfeld: The Understudy (#6.23)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: [has just learned Jerry's girlfriend is Bette Midler's understudy in the Rochelly, Rochelle musical] Understudys, now they're a shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm glad that she's an understudy. This way I avoid having to go backstage and think of something to say.
George Costanza: Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink, then it's a real problem.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just once I'd like to tell someone they stink. 'Ya know what? I didn't like the show, I didn't like you, ya just really stunk. The whole thing: really bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.'

Elaine Benes: I'm telling you Jerry, I have a sneaking suspicion the women at the nail parlour were talking about me. I think they've been calling me a dog.
Jerry Seinfeld: How would you know? You don't speak Korean.
Elaine Benes: Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby calls the dog the same word they were saying when they were pointing at me.
Cosmo Kramer: Ya know, maybe in Korea, dog isn't an insult. It could be like the word fox to us. 'Oh, she's a dog.'


"Seinfeld: The Nap (#8.18)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
Jerry: What is that smell?
Cosmo Kramer: That's East River.
Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
Cosmo Kramer: Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
Jerry: How could you swim in that water?
Cosmo Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.
Jerry: Swimming?
Cosmo Kramer: Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.

George Costanza: I can't to myself. I'm exhausted.
Jerry: Can you grab a nap at work.
George Costanza: Not with that big glass window looking out into the hall. I'd love a good nap. That's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning


"Seinfeld: The Stranded (#3.10)" (1991)
George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says "make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure - "make love to me." What, am I in the circus?

Jerry Seinfeld: How did you get fleas?
George Costanza: Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.


"Seinfeld: The Apartment (#2.5)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: People don't turn down money. This is what separates us from animals.

Cosmo Kramer: I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but - - you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel anxious, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, 'cause I'm a pod.
Jerry: [Jerry shrugs in agreement]


"Seinfeld: The Bris (#5.5)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that
[Kramer shows newspaper]
Cosmo Kramer: <-remove blank quote.
Jerry Seinfeld: What now?
[Jerry reads newspaper]
Jerry Seinfeld: . Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital... Yeah, so?
Cosmo Kramer: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
Elaine Benes: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
Cosmo Kramer: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry Seinfeld: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George Costanza: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Jerry Seinfeld: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.

Jerry Seinfeld: I don't see any pig-men I see human, human, human... Wait a second
Cosmo Kramer: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, it's George.


"Seinfeld: The Pool Guy (#7.8)" (1995)
George Costanza: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I, I love that George.
George Costanza: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey Elaine.
Elaine Benes: Hey.
Jerry Seinfeld: Who, who, who do you think would win in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous George here.
Jerry Seinfeld: You mean in a real Fight Fight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Mona a Baldo.
Elaine Benes: George.
George Costanza: Ah-Ha!
Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
Jerry Seinfeld: George fights dirty.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really? What would you do?
George Costanza: Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do.
Jerry Seinfeld: Hmm.


"Seinfeld: The Engagement (#7.1)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor! Or the Kennedy assassination! It's like not even news. It's total shock!
Elaine Benes: Oh, come on, Jerry. Please, please, please, please, please!
Jerry Seinfeld: George Constanza...
Elaine Benes: Yeah?
Jerry Seinfeld: Is getting married!
Elaine Benes: Get out!
[Elaine pushes Jerry into the bathroom and he falls with a crash]

Jerry Seinfeld: [after George tells Jerry he's marrying Susan] Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! How about some champagne?
George Costanza: Champagne?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on!
[Jerry looks around his kitchen for champagne]
George Costanza: Okay! Alright!
Jerry Seinfeld: [after he can't find any champagne] You know what? No champagne. I'll see you later.


"Seinfeld: The Foundation (#8.1)" (1996)
George Costanza: What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George Costanza: What is that?
Jerry Seinfeld: Star Trek 2.
George Costanza: Wrath of Khan!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.
George Costanza: It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah.

George Costanza: I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!
Jerry Seinfeld: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.


"Seinfeld: The Blood (#9.4)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, you got three pints of Kramer in you, buddy.
Jerry Seinfeld: Noooooo.

Jerry Seinfeld: [Jerry finds Kramer and Newman in his apartment] What is this?
Cosmo Kramer: We're making sausages!
Jerry Seinfeld: I thought you were going to watch a video.
Cosmo Kramer: An instructional video on how to make your own sausages!


"Seinfeld: The Dealership (#9.11)" (1998)
Elaine Benes: You couldn't just give him one high-five?
Jerry Seinfeld: And where does it end? Then, everyone's doin' it. It's like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Don't go there." - Someone's gotta take a stand!


"Seinfeld: The Shoes (#4.16)" (1993)
Jerry Seinfeld: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it then you look away.


"Seinfeld: The Trip: Part 1 (#4.1)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry: We're going on a two day trip! What are you, Diana Ross?


"Seinfeld: The Bubble Boy (#4.7)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: He's a bubble-boy!
George Costanza: A bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, a bubble-boy.
Susan Biddle Ross: What's a bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: He lives in a bubble.
George Costanza: Boy!


"Seinfeld: The Dog (#3.4)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?


"Seinfeld: The Boyfriend: Part 2 (#3.18)" (1992)
George Costanza: Magellan? You like Magellan?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world? Come on. Why, who do you like?
George Costanza: De Soto.
Jerry Seinfeld: De Soto, why De Soto?
George Costanza: He discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, like they wouldn't have found it anyway.


"Seinfeld: The Scofflaw (#6.13)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: You look like a pirate
Cosmo Kramer: I want to be a pirate


"Seinfeld: The Heart Attack (#2.8)" (1991)
Jerry: [Watching two paramedics fighting] All this over a Chuckle.
Cosmo Kramer: What's a Chuckle?
Jerry: It's a jelly candy, comes in five flavors.


"Seinfeld: The Conversion (#5.11)" (1993)
George Costanza: By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry Seinfeld: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George Costanza: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.


"Seinfeld: The Chicken Roaster (#8.8)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece.
[Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece]
Newman: Gladly.
[Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!


"Seinfeld: The Van Buren Boys (#8.14)" (1997)
[first lines]
Jerry Seinfeld: [trying to catch a cab] Who was the last president to have a beard?
George Costanza: Nixon.
Jerry Seinfeld: No, I mean a ral thick beard.
George Costanza: His was thick.
Jerry Seinfeld: No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
George Costanza: Falkmore.
Jerry Seinfeld: Who?
George Costanza: Artemis N. Falkmore.
Jerry Seinfeld: You made that up, right?
George Costanza: Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard
George Costanza: The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.
Jerry Seinfeld: Are you wearing lifts in those shoes?
George Costanza: [nervously looks around and walks away] Cab!


"Seinfeld: The Hamptons (#5.20)" (1994)
Jerry, George Costanza: Elaine!
Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming afterwards.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.


"Seinfeld: The Abstinence (#8.9)" (1996)
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry Seinfeld: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.


"Seinfeld: The Outing (#4.17)" (1993)
[repeated line]
Jerry Seinfeld: [on homosexuality] Not that there's anything wrong with that!


"Seinfeld: The Maestro (#7.3)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: [dark corner of Italian restaurant] Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Ciccio.
Ciccio: Si, si, I'mma Ciccio.
Jerry Seinfeld: Poppy sent me to see you, Mr. Ciccio.
Ciccio: Si, si, Poppy.
Jerry Seinfeld: Um, did he, did he mention to you why I called?
Ciccio: Si, the house in Tuscana.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?
Ciccio: Si. Two million a Lira. You give me the check.
Jerry Seinfeld: I didn't actually want to rent it.
Ciccio: The keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two million a Lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.
[a man approaches and whispers into Ciccio's ear]
Ciccio: [to the man] Ah, si, si.
Jerry Seinfeld: [nerviously watches the man walk away] So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were... houses there to rent.
Ciccio: Si.
[holds up the keys]
Ciccio: Thissa one! Capiche?


"Seinfeld: The Rye (#7.11)" (1996)
Elaine Benes: You know, one of these days something terrible is going to happen to you. It has to!
Jerry Seinfeld: No, I'm going to be just fine.


"Seinfeld: The Implant (#4.19)" (1993)
Elaine Marie Benes: You've dated women with nose jobs before, so what's the big deal?
Jerry Seinfeld: You don't touch the nose, you don't aspire to reach the nose, you don't unhook anything to get to the nose and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril!


"Seinfeld: The Switch (#6.11)" (1995)
Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: [both laughing] Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: [entering Jerry's apartment] What's so funny?... wha?


"Seinfeld: The Strike (#9.10)" (1997)
[about a free sub card]
Elaine: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it.
Jerry: No, you walk out.
Elaine: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
Jerry: No, you wait for the movie.


"Seinfeld: The Reverse Peephole (#9.12)" (1998)
[repeated line]
Jerry Seinfeld: It's not a purse! It's European!


"Seinfeld: The Bottle Deposit (#7.20)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: [as auto mechanic approaches] Hey, Tony.
Tony: Thanks for coming in Jerry.
Jerry Seinfeld: Sure.
Tony: [mood shift] I think I know what's going here.
Jerry Seinfeld: [huh? frown]
Tony: [getting moody] And I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me Jerry. Ya know that motor oil you're putting in there? From one of those quickie lube places, isn't it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well I change it so often...
Tony: [interrupting] Jerry, motor oil is the life blood of a car. Okay, ya put in a low grade oil you can damage vital engine parts, okay? See this gasket?
[throws it down]
Tony: I have no confidence in that gasket.
Jerry Seinfeld: [trying to respond]
Tony: Here's what I wanna do. I want to overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under 60 miles an hour for a while. Ya gotta come in and ya gotta get the oil changed every 1000 miles.
Jerry Seinfeld: How much money is this gonna cost me?
Tony: [snort] I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. Ya know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry Seinfeld: The washer fluid is fine.
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, ya know what, um. I just wanna take my car and I'm gonna bring it some place else.
Tony: What do you mean?
Jerry Seinfeld: Just... can I have my car? I'm going to pay my bill, and I'm going to be on my way.
Tony: Well the car is on the lift.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well just get it down.
Tony: Alright. Okay, wait here, and I'll uh, I'll bring it around.
[walks away]
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, thanks very much.
Elaine Benes: [arriving] Hey, where's the car?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's bringing it.
Tony: [squeals away in Jerry's car, leaving Jerry and Elaine stranded]


"Seinfeld: The Glasses (#5.3)" (1993)
Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] I don't know what to you Elton.


"Seinfeld: The Phone Message (#2.4)" (1991)
Donna: Is there anything else I should know about you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, I'm lactose intolerant. I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it.


"Seinfeld: The Puffy Shirt (#5.2)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate!
Jerry Seinfeld: But I don't want to be a pirate!


"Seinfeld: The Busboy (#2.12)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: Sometimes you go to a restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people." What is this? Little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about?


"Seinfeld: The Doorman (#6.17)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: You think you're better than me?


"Seinfeld: The Wallet (#4.5)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't you hate the "to be continued" 's on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show, you're into the story. You know, there's like 5 minutes left and you realize "Hey! They can't make it! Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in 5 minutes!". I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see, I can't go "a man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms. Can you come back next week?"


"Seinfeld: The Susie (#8.15)" (1997)
Jerry Seinfeld: She wants to talk?
George Costanza: She doesn't want to. She needs to talk.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nobody needs to talk.
George Costanza: Who would want to?


"Seinfeld: The Chaperone (#6.1)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants. You want to go?
Kramer: What state?
Jerry Seinfeld: Rhode Island.
Kramer: They're never in contention.


"Seinfeld: The Apology (#9.9)" (1997)
Melissa: Would you look at that?
Jerry Seinfeld: I can't, I can't look anymore, I've seen too much


"Seinfeld: The Truth (#3.2)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hold it just a second, let's not lose our heads here, Kramer you know your always welcome in my home, but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned that's another story.


"Seinfeld: The Nose Job (#3.9)" (1991)
Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex - I was like an animal. I mean, it was just completely uninhibited.
George Costanza: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: [pause] It's not like that at all.


"Seinfeld: The Jimmy (#6.18)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: [talking about Dr. Whatley's dentistry practice in a slurred voice] He's got a new policy. Adults only. It's great. You don't have to watch your language.
Jerry: You feel the need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist?
Cosmo Kramer: When they pull that needle out, I let the ex-ple-tives fly!


"Seinfeld: The Voice (#9.2)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: They're redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerry: Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is, it's my idea.
Jerry: Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or spending the 200 million you don't have part?


"Seinfeld: The Doll (#7.16)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.
George Costanza: So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.
Jerry Seinfeld: [while opening his cereal box] I will - don't worry.
[Plotting his revenge]
Jerry Seinfeld: In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!
Elaine Benes: That's sounds pretty juvenile.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Pulling out his toy prize from the bottom of the cereal box -smiling] Hey! A dinosaur!


"Seinfeld: The Deal (#2.9)" (1991)
Jerry: [Discussing The Deal with Elaine] Because this...
[gesturing between them]
Jerry: is very good.
Elaine: [Gesturing to the bedroom] And that would be good.
Jerry: That would be good too.
[repeating gestures]
Jerry: See the idea's to combine this and that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Elaine: Yeah, we just want to take this and... add that.
[Jerry makes a "There you have it" gesture]


"Seinfeld: The Parking Space (#3.22)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: What did you do to my car?
George Costanza: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
Elaine Benes: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.


"Seinfeld: The Limo (#3.19)" (1992)
George Costanza: Didja see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry Seinfeld: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
George Costanza: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.


"Seinfeld: The Airport (#4.12)" (1992)
Attendant #2: You're going to have to go back to your seat!
Elaine Benes: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*!
[She goes through the curtain to,ick, *coach*]
Elaine Benes: Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*!
Jerry Seinfeld: What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with.
Jerry Seinfeld: [to attendant] What is going on?
Attendant #2: Sir, this woman tried to sneak into first class.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security - there really should be a locking door. Electrified, with a moat if possible. They return to snuggling...


"Seinfeld: The Secret Code (#7.7)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: [Reading from Peterman catalog] The Rogue's Wallet: That's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother!


"Seinfeld: The Pitch (#4.3)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: [after Newman leaves with Kramer's radar detector] Does that thing work?
Cosmo Kramer: [almost before Jerry is even finished] Nah.


"Seinfeld: The Pie (#5.15)" (1994)
George Costanza: Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.
Kramer: Heh, is that Elaine mannequin still there?
George Costanza: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah!
George Costanza: The last time I saw her... she was naked.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, Poppie's got problems.


"Seinfeld: The Revenge (#2.7)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: What is the point of all this?
George Costanza: Revenge.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, the best revenge is living well.
George Costanza: There's no chance of that.


"Seinfeld: The Sniffing Accountant (#5.4)" (1993)
George Costanza: Jerry, where d'you get that sweater?
Jerry Seinfeld: What do you think, I found it in the back of my closet!
George Costanza: I think that's what the back of closets are for.


"Seinfeld: The Statue (#2.6)" (1991)
George Costanza: Oh my god, it's exactly the same.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
George Costanza: When I was 10 years old, my parents had the very same statue on the mantle, in our apartment exactly and one day I grabbed it, as a microphone. I was singing MacArthur Park, and I got to the part about "They'll never have that recipe again" and it slipped out of my hand and broke, my parents looked at me like I had smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day they bring it up, it was the single most damaging moment of my life, aside from seeing my Father naked.


"Seinfeld: The Slicer (#9.7)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat] This slicer is indomitable.
Jerry: Where did you get that butcher's coat?
Cosmo Kramer: You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything.


"Seinfeld: The Wink (#7.4)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.
Elaine Benes: I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're going by sound? What are we, whales?
Elaine Benes: I think I can tell.
Jerry Seinfeld: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
Elaine Benes: 25 percent.
Jerry Seinfeld: 25 percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20 to 1 shot.
Elaine Benes: You're way off.
Jerry Seinfeld: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.
Elaine Benes: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?
Jerry Seinfeld: UNDATEABLE!


"Seinfeld: The Pledge Drive (#6.3)" (1994)
Elaine: Um, what does Nana sound like?
Jerry: Like a grandmother, why?
Elaine: Well...
Jerry: Oh, you hung up on my Nana?
Elaine: I don't know, maybe.
Jerry: You told Nana to drop dead?
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: Yes, it is!


"Seinfeld: The Fatigues (#8.6)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: So you saw Bania's act.
Abby: He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Jerry Seinfeld: I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges.
Abby: Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?
Jerry Seinfeld: He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.


"Clerks: The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal Are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their Lives (#1.2)" (2000)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
Dante Hicks: I'm on a break.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does 2% milk...
Dante Hicks: I said I don't care. Get out.
Gwyneth Paltrow: But I have a membership. Paltrow, Gwyneth.
Randal Graves: I said get out.
Dante Hicks: We're closed. Get out.
Randal Graves: Get the hell out, Scorsese.
Dante Hicks: Screw you, Miss Hepburn.
Randal Graves: Up yours, Matt Damon.
[Randal throws a soda at Matt Damon]