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Jerry Seinfeld (Character)
from "Seinfeld" (1990)
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"Seinfeld: The Betrayal (#9.8)" (1997)
George Costanza: So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what?Elaine Benes: George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
George Costanza: Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!
George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! Is there anything else?
Elaine Benes: I can't tell you!
Jerry Seinfeld: Here, drink this.
Elaine Benes: [drunk] George knows that you slept with Nina; that's why he was acting so weird.
Jerry Seinfeld: How did he find out?
Elaine Benes: [holding a miniature bottle enthusiastically] He "schnapped" me!
[arriving in India]
Elaine Benes: Oh, God; it's so hot! And what is that smell?
Jerry Seinfeld: I think it's the stench of death.
Elaine Benes: Oh, boy; there's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here am I with a bunch of my idiot friends.
Jerry Seinfeld: [excitedly] This is gonna be great!
George Costanza: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Coach to India: only way to go.
Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: You just asked me two minutes ago.
["Two Minutes Ago"]
Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm not wearin' a watch.
[Jerry is disgusted by Newman's beautiful girlfriend's affection for Newman]
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, come on... You know he's a postman, don't you?
[Elaine popped into Jerry's apartment just as Nina was leaving Jerry's bedroom]
Elaine Benes: Who else you got back there?
Jerry Seinfeld: Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before!
Elaine Benes: You *slept with Nina.* What are you gonna tell George?
Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing - and neither will you. George can never know about this: It'll crush him.
Elaine Benes: All right, all right; I'll put it in the vault.
Jerry Seinfeld: No good. Too many people know the combination.
Elaine Benes: What combination?
[Jerry mimes drinking from a bottle]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.
George Costanza: "FDR"?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Jerry Seinfeld: Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer: *Evil* eye.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George Costanza: Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Every day is my birthday.
Elaine Benes: You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail: invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.
Elaine Benes: Not the point. The wedding is in one week; I got this today.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you think it's a non-vite.
Elaine Benes: It's an un-vitation.
[Elaine reads the wedding invitation from Sue Ellen Mischke]
Elaine Benes: Hey, look at this: Pinter Ranawat? I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat.
Jerry Seinfeld: It's probably like "Smith" over there.
[discussing why Jerry and Nina never dated]
Jerry Seinfeld: We were too compatible. Our conversations were so engrossing.
George Costanza: How engrossing?
Jerry Seinfeld: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.
George Costanza: [chuckles with surprise, then shows worry] You don't, uh, have a replacement lined up for me, do you?
[continues chuckling]
George Costanza: [Jerry chuckles knowingly and smiles]
Jerry Seinfeld: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses - I need an awkward pause.
George Costanza: I'm all awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.
George Costanza: Wait a minute - Nina just saw me in my Timberlands. Now, I have to wear them every time I see her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
George Costanza: In any other shoe, I lose two inches; I can't have a drop-down. We were eye-to-eye; I can't go eye-to-chin.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?
George Costanza: In every situation, no matter how silly I look.
["Eleven Years Earlier"]
[Jerry is moving into his new apartment; Kramer emerges from his, wearing a bathrobe]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld; I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer: You must be Kessler.
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, actually, it's "Kramer."... Uh, do you need any help, or - ?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, thanks. But, I ordered a pizza; you want some of it?
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, no, no; I couldn't impose.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours.
Cosmo Kramer: [leaning against the door-frame and looking around in wonder] Really?
Jerry Seinfeld: What the hell is email?
"Seinfeld: The Wizard (#9.15)" (1998)
George Costanza: What's that?Jerry Seinfeld: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
George Costanza: How much was it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
George Costanza: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Jerry Seinfeld: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.
George Costanza: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Jerry Seinfeld: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?
George Costanza: At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.
[Elaine is apathetic about maintaining her relationship with Puddy]
Jerry Seinfeld: Still no Puddy?
Elaine Benes: Eh, I think he's answering machine's broken, so I just gave up.
[Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross]
Jerry Seinfeld: House in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
Cosmo Kramer: Boys, I'm retiring!
Jerry Seinfeld: [Incredulously] From what?
[Jerry is visiting his parents in Florida; Kramer enters]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in?
[Kramer goes straight to the refrigerator]
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Cosmo Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, you can't live down here! This is where people come to die.
[Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld look up in horror]
Jerry Seinfeld: Not you. *Older* people.
Helen Seinfeld: [slapping a cookie from Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?
Cosmo Kramer: Mmm, that sounds great, Mom.
Jerry Seinfeld: You feed him, he'll never leave.
[Elaine can't figure out whether her new boyfriend is black. She's talking to Jerry on the telephone]
Jerry Seinfeld: So, did you figure out Darryl's... you know?
Elaine Benes: Nah, I've given up, so now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.... Figure that'll cover us either way.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're a master of race relations.
[Elaine and Jerry are talking on the telephone]
Elaine Benes: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes - preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
Elaine Benes: [laughs] Who are they running against?
Jerry Seinfeld: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
[Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment]
George Costanza: Jerry?
Elaine Benes: He's still down with his folks.
George Costanza: What are you doing here?
Jerry Seinfeld: [worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?*
Elaine Benes: [ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no.
George Costanza: He asked you to get the mail?
Elaine Benes: Mm-hmm.
George Costanza: [George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
George Costanza: Well, what about the mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.
George Costanza: All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.
[hangs up]
"Seinfeld: The Merv Griffin Show (#9.6)" (1997)
George Costanza: I don't get these birds; they're breakin' the deal! It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.Jerry Seinfeld: So they're like everyone else.
[entering Celia's apartment, Jerry admires her toy collection]
Jerry Seinfeld: Where did you get all these?
Celia: My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long, painful bout with -
Jerry Seinfeld: SuperBall!
Jerry Seinfeld: You ran over some pigeons? How many?
George Costanza: Whatever they had.
George Costanza: Miranda thinks I'm a butcher, but - it's not my fault, is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry Seinfeld: Of course we have a deal: They get out of the way of our cars; we look the other way on the statue defecations.
Jerry Seinfeld: So Miranda's cooled on you?
George Costanza: I'm gettin' nothin'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, me neither.
George Costanza: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, the sex is wild, but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!
Elaine Benes: I was sittin' there, making Cup-a-Soup, singing that song from The Lion King.
Jerry Seinfeld: "Hakuna Matata"?
Elaine Benes: [ashamedly] I thought I was alone.
Jerry Seinfeld: That doesn't make it right.
Jerry Seinfeld: See, to me, the "Hakuna Matata" is not nearly as embarrassing as the Cup-a-Soup.
Elaine Benes: Would you just... let it go?
George Costanza: [George and Jerry are seated as guests on "The Merv Griffin Show"] So, they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
Cosmo Kramer: El Paso, I spent a month there one night.
Newman: [laughing hard] El Paso!
Jerry Seinfeld: What's he here for?
Cosmo Kramer: He takes some of the pressure off of me. So Jerry what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. Hmmm
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually it's kind of a funny story.She has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.
Cosmo Kramer: Well it sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?
Newman: Are you married right now?
[Kramer slaps Newman]
Jerry Seinfeld: Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out.
Cosmo Kramer: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love.
George Costanza: Ah come on! You got to get me over there!
Cosmo Kramer: Wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?
[to Newman]
Cosmo Kramer: Could we pause a moment?
[Newman turns on "commercial break music"]
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business but when your on my set, you clean it up mister!
Newman: I told you he was a risk.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh like he's not just carrying you and has been for years!
Newman: Yeah? Well you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs.
[Kramer mediates]
Cosmo Kramer: ["Commercial music" ends] Smile everyone we're back.
"Seinfeld: The Maid (#9.19)" (1998)
Cindy: [in reference to slacking off on her duties] Well, I made the bed.Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, but after you took a nap in it!
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza".
Jerry Seinfeld: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
Jerry: Hello?
Operator: You hve a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy,don't say no!
Jerry: Accept.
Jerry: Well,where are you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of first, and first. Wait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe!
Elaine Benes: [Taking about Jerry's relationship with his maid] Have you gone out?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes! We have!
Elaine Benes: Where?
Jerry Seinfeld: To the store.
Elaine Benes: What, to get cleaning supplies?
Jerry Seinfeld: A-and gum!
Elaine Benes: Oh, that's nice. Nothing's more satisfying than diddlin' the maid and chewing some gum.
Jerry Seinfeld: [phone rings] Hello?
Operator: [Elaine points to door, and Jerry shoos her off] You have a collect call from...
Cosmo Kramer: Hey buddy, don't say no!
Jerry Seinfeld: [sighs] Accept.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Talking about Kramer being lost] What's around you?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm looking at Ray's pizza. You know where that is?
Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks surprised] Is it Famous Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: [Looks] No, it's just original.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Looks even more suprised] Famous ORIGINAL Ray's?
Cosmo Kramer: It's just original, Jerry!
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what street are you on?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the corner of first, and first. ait a minute. How can the same street intersect with itself? i must be at the nexus of the universe!
"Seinfeld: The Fire (#5.19)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: You boo me? You hiss? You couldn't stop blathering through the whole set?Toby: Oh, c'mon, I thought you were a pro, that's part of the show.
Jerry Seinfeld: No. Not part of the show. Booing and hissing are not part of the show. You boo puppets. You hiss villains in silent movies.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you feel women and children first in this day and age is somewhat of an antiquated notion?
George Costanza: To some degree.
Jerry Seinfeld: So basically it's every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves?
George Costanza: In a manner of speaking.
Jerry Seinfeld: So what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?
George Costanza: Yeah. Eric the clown put it out with his big shoe.
Jerry Seinfeld: You kept making all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.
Elaine Benes: What do we need the pinky toe for?
Jerry Seinfeld: Because, Elaine, that's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home.
Elaine Benes: Why don't you just shut the fu... up?
"Seinfeld: The Jacket (#2.3)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: What are we suppose to tell him?George Costanza: We'll tell him we're frightened and we need to go home.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe!
Alton Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza: Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Alton Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. There's nothing funny about that!
Elaine Benes: My father thinks George is gay.
Jerry Seinfeld: Because of all the singing?
Elaine Benes: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
Jerry Seinfeld: What is this?
[picks a jacket of the rack]
Jerry Seinfeld: This is beautiful.
[holds it up for Elaine to see]
Jerry Seinfeld: These jackets never fit me right.
Elaine Benes: Try it on.
Elaine Benes: Hmmm! Wow! This is soft suede.
Jerry Seinfeld: This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.
Jerry Seinfeld: How much is it?
Elaine Benes: [surprised] Oh... my... God!
Jerry Seinfeld: Bad ?
[Elaine nods]
Jerry Seinfeld: Very bad?
Elaine Benes: You have no idea.
Jerry Seinfeld: I have some idea.
Elaine Benes: No idea.
Jerry Seinfeld: I've got a ball park.
Elaine Benes: There is no park and the team has re-located.
George Costanza: Master of the house, keeper of the inn...
[Jerry proudly models his new jacket in front of George. George looks in admiration at the jacket]
George Costanza: This is huge! When did this happen?
Jerry Seinfeld: Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet an social challenge.
George Costanza: [Nods] Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely.
George Costanza: It's fabulous.
"Seinfeld: The Postponement (#7.2)" (1995)
George Costanza: [to Jerry] You're a good friend. If you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.[George leaves]
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody, would you turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You're kidding!
Cosmo Kramer: No, no. I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Cosmo Kramer: I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're supposed to be a friend of mine!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, what kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Cosmo Kramer: I thought I did!
Jerry: So, you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
Jerry: Another caffè latte?
Cosmo Kramer: You better believe it.
Jerry: Since when are you so trendy?
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, baby, I set the trends! Who do you think started this whole caffè latte?
Jerry: I don't recall you drinking caffè lattes.
Cosmo Kramer: I've been drinking caffè lattes since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.
Jerry: Let me take a guess: she cried, and you caved.
George Costanza: How did you know that?
Jerry: I live and breathe, my friend. I live and breathe.
Jerry: Elaine, if I could say a word here about the Jewish people: that man
[the Rabbi]
Jerry: in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves.
"Seinfeld: The Stakeout (#1.1)" (1990)
George Costanza: She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk."Jerry: Uh, the four worst words in the English language.
George Costanza: That, or "Whose bra is this?"
Jerry: [wincing and nodding] That is worse.
George Costanza: Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane.
Jerry: Really, how?
George Costanza: Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Anything in the lip area is good.
Jerry: Lip area, yeah.
George Costanza: A hug, definitely good.
Jerry: Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart.
George Costanza: Those are brutal.
Jerry: You know how they do that.
George Costanza: Also, you know a shake is bad.
Jerry: Right, a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes.
George Costanza: The hand sandwich.
Jerry: Right.
George Costanza: Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
George Costanza: [after her actual arrival and greeting] The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.
Jerry: [of George's fanny pack] Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.
Jerry: [small talk] So, do you date immature men.
Carol: Almost exclusively.
"Seinfeld: The Couch (#6.5)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: And what is his stand on abortion?Elaine Marie Benes: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: What is his stand... on abortion?
Elaine Marie Benes: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry Seinfeld: How do you know?
Elaine Marie Benes: Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.
Jerry Seinfeld: Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, what is it, then? My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: I'm sure it'll come out.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.
Cosmo Kramer: You're making too much of it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function. Happens to be on my sofa... instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.
Cosmo Kramer: Right.
Jerry: [after a visit from Poppie] K-Kramer, what is this?
Cosmo Kramer: What is what?
Jerry: This puddle on my sofa!
Cosmo Kramer: What puddle?
Jerry: That puddle!
Cosmo Kramer: ...I don't know.
Jerry: Is it?... Could it?... Could he have?... IT IS!... POPPIE PEED ON MY SOFA!
Cosmo Kramer: Are you sure?
Jerry: Well, what is it then?... My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!
Elaine Marie Benes: So what did you end up doing with the couch?
Jerry Seinfeld: I gave it to George.
Elaine Marie Benes: Did you tell him it was peed on?
Jerry Seinfeld: He said he was going to flip the cushion.
"Seinfeld: The Race (#6.10)" (1994)
Lois: So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry?Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will.
Jerry Seinfeld: I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run.
Elaine Marie Benes: So now Duncan is back?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's back. And I knew he would be someday. Man that's some tart cider!
Lois: So you were the fastest kid in school.
Jerry Seinfeld: Faster than a speeding bullet Lois.
Jerry Seinfeld: And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus.
The Seinfeld Chronicles (1989) (TV)
Jerry: Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night! The only difference between a date and a job interview is that not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I, I, I admit it, I'm not getting the signals, I am not getting it. Women - they're so *subtle*, their little - everything they do is *subtle*. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women! That's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know about that, we don't know. The next stop after that we have *no* *idea* - this is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far!
Jerry: Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is. No, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind of dancing around in there. Shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon, babe, let's go!" You come by, you open up the lid, & they all...
[wide-eyed startled shifty look]
Jerry: Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They do escape from the dryer. They plan it the night before. "Tomorrow. The dryer. I'm going. You wait here." The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall.
[stands stiffly sideways, looking furtively both ways]
Jerry: He hopes you don't see him, and he goes down the road, da da da, da da da da.
[hand motion of a sock inching along the road]
Jerry: They get buttons sewn on their face, join the puppet show!
"Seinfeld: The Contest (#4.11)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: But are you still "Master of your Domain?"George Costanza: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry Seinfeld: Lord of the Manor.
Jerry Seinfeld: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man, we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.
Elaine Benes: Oh, that is such baloney! I shave my legs.
Cosmo Kramer: [while eating] Not everyday.
Jerry Seinfeld: But... are you still Master of your domain?
Elaine Benes: I'm queen of the castle.
[after Elaine is out]
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, Costanza. It's you and me.
George Costanza: And then there were two.
"Seinfeld: The Little Jerry (#8.11)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.George Costanza: Allow me. Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free, farm fresh eggs.
Jerry: Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
Jerry: [consoling George] If you two were meant to be together, I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something...
Jerry: George is dating a prisoner.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, what's she in for?
George Costanza: Embezzlement.
Cosmo Kramer: Sounds like a nice girl.
Jerry: [getting ready of cock fight] Look at the size of his bird.
Cosmo Kramer: That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.
"Seinfeld: The Library (#3.5)" (1991)
Elaine: Boys are sick.Jerry: Well what do girls do?
Elaine: Nothing. We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.
Jerry: [returning book] Any way, I hope there's no hard feelings.
Lt. Bookman: Hard feelings, what do you know about hard feelings? Ever have a man die in your arms? Ever kill somebody?
Jerry: What is your problem?
Lt. Bookman: What's my problem, punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a Pit Bull on a Poodle.
[quit exit]
Jerry: That is one tough monkey.
Jerry: This woman's completely ignoring me.
Kramer: Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship... spinster... maybe a virgin... maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.
Jerry: And eventually a little shot of penicillin.
"Seinfeld: The Label Maker (#6.12)" (1995)
George Costanza: [referring to Kramer and Newman's Risk game] What's that?Jerry: Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.
Jerry: I'm not letting you cheat Newman. You're not getting anywhere near that board.
Newman: Jerry, I'm a little insulted.
Jerry: You're not a little anything, Newman.
Jerry: Well if you get him something for his birthday, I'm a 12.
"Seinfeld: The Yada Yada (#8.19)" (1997)
Beth: [at wedding making fun of a dentist sitting in front of them] Hey, what do you call a doctor who failed out of med school?Jerry: What?
Beth: A dentist.
Jerry: [both laugh] Dentists. Who needs 'em?
Beth: Yeah. Same goes for those blacks and Jews.
[episode ends on Jerry's shocked expression on his face]
Jerry: Alright. You're on a desert island, you can bring five books. Which five do you take?
George Costanza: I gotta read five books?
Jerry: Okay, only one.
[George takes a long time to answer]
Jerry: Come on!
George Costanza: Ah! I got it. The Three Musketeers.
Jerry: You've read that?
George Costanza: No. I'm saving it for the island.
Father Curtis: [in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son.
Jerry: Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
Father Curtis: That's no sin.
Jerry: Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian!
"Seinfeld: The Dinner Party (#5.13)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: Look to the Cookie Elaine, look to the Cookie.Jerry Seinfeld: And a black and white Cookie for me, peace.
Jerry Seinfeld: Another babka?
"Seinfeld: The Old Man (#4.18)" (1993)
George Costanza: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George Costanza: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, it's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, and you gotta get it out, but the more you get out, the more keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse Day...!
Jerry: All right, all right!
George Costanza: What kind of person *are* you?
Jerry: Pretty much like you, only successful.
Jerry: What's all this stuff?
Sid Fields: Trash. Garbage.
Jerry: You're throwing this out?
Sid Fields: I believe that's what you do with garbage, ya idiot.
"Seinfeld: The Non-Fat Yogurt (#5.7)" (1993)
Maryedith: Well I hope you're happy.Jerry Seinfeld: What?
Maryedith: Now every word out of my son's mouth is f
[bleeped]
Maryedith: . You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my F
[bleeped]
Maryedith: ing cupcake?
Jerry Seinfeld: Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's Yogurt lately does that have fat in it?
Maryedith: No
[bleep]
Maryedith: - ing way.
Elaine Benes: Que Rico!
Jerry Seinfeld: Suave!
"Seinfeld: The Finale (#9.22)" (1998)
Cosmo Kramer: [after Jerry tells Kramer he's moving to California] You're moving to California?Jerry: Yeah!
Cosmo Kramer: But Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years. You might never come back!
Jerry: No, I'll be back.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, it's L.A., nobody leaves. She's a suductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.
Jerry Seinfeld: [In Prison] So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough.
Jerry Seinfeld: [the conversation from the pilot episode of 'Seinfeld'] See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza: Really?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George Costanza: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry Seinfeld: You think?
George Costanza: I think we have.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, maybe we have.
"Seinfeld: The Burning (#9.16)" (1998)
Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.George Costanza: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
Elaine: So you think Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.
Jerry: Sophie, it's me! I know about the tractor story! And I'm fine with it!
Sophie: How could you know?
Jerry: Shhh! Shhh! But I'm not going to let something like this ruin what could be a meaningful relationship.
Mickey Abbott: [Kramer and Mickey enter] You gave me gonorrhea and you didn't even tell me!
Cosmo Kramer: I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it!
Mickey Abbott: Well, you should have told me!
Jerry: I'm with somebody!
Sophie: No, I understand! This can be a difficult thing to deal with! But the important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
Cosmo Kramer: You know, she's right.
Sophie: But of course, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
Sophie: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it because I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: [stunned] All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night everybody!
[leaves]
Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That sounds about right. Hey, did you hear the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the donuts?
Elaine: Jerry, I'm not in the mood.
George Costanza: [to the waitress] I'll have some coffee and a donut.
"Seinfeld: The Serenity Now (#9.3)" (1997)
Jerry: [Sarcastically] Kramer, I love you.Cosmo Kramer: [Without missing a beat] I love you too, buddy!
[after Patty breaks up with Jerry]
Jerry: [crying] What is this salty discharge?
Elaine Benes: Oh, my God. You're crying.
Jerry: This is horrible! I *care*!
Jerry: I don't think more flan is the answer!
"Seinfeld: The Tape (#3.8)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?Jerry Seinfeld: Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?
Elaine Benes: No.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know what that makes you? A baldist.
"Seinfeld: The Subway (#3.13)" (1992)
Jerry: You realize of course you're naked?Naked Man: Naked, dressed, I don't see any difference.
Jerry: You oughtta sit here. There's a difference.
Naked Man: You got something against a naked body?
Jerry: I got something against yours.
Naked Man: I'm not ashamed of my body.
Jerry: Exactly. That's your problem. You should be.
"Seinfeld: The Visa (#4.15)" (1993)
Jerry: What happened?Cosmo Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and I was pitching, and I was really, you know, throwing some smoke! And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man, that guy you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow, Joe Pepitone.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back on the same place, so... I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh yeah! Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know. A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down and, whoa man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
Jerry: What are lawyers, really?
Jerry: To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country.
Jerry: We're all throwing the dice, playing the game...
Jerry: ...moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem...
Jerry: ...the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box.
Jerry: I think one of the fun things for them is to say "objection".
Jerry: "Objection! Objection, Your Honour."
Jerry: "Objection", of course, is the adult version of "'fraid not".
Jerry: To which the judge can say two things: He can say "overruled", which is the adult version of "'fraid so".
Jerry: Or he can say "sustained", which is the adult version of "duh".
"Seinfeld: The Millennium (#8.20)" (1997)
George Costanza: To think I'd fail at failing.Jerry Seinfeld: Oh come on.
George Costanza: I can't do anything wrong.
Jerry Seinfeld: Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza: You think so?
Jerry Seinfeld: Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza: Well, I guess I'll have to pick myself up, dust myself up, and throw myself right back down again!
Jerry Seinfeld: That's the spirit! You suck.
George Costanza: I know.
Jerry Seinfeld: By the way, Newman, when you booked the hotel, did you remember to book it for the millennium new year?
Newman: As a matter of fact, I did.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well that's funny because as everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until 2001. Which would make your party one year late. And thus, quite lame. Oh!
Newman: Cheap.
"Seinfeld: The Virgin (#4.10)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: There's too much urinary freedom in this country. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds characters.Elaine Benes: Look at my fish!
Jerry Seinfeld: His eyes are a little cloudy.
Elaine Benes: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, those are your eyes.
"Seinfeld: The Chinese Woman (#6.4)" (1994)
George Louis Costanza: You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.Jerry Seinfeld: You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Louis Costanza: All right, Superman's the exception.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know, you're not Chinese.
"Seinfeld: The Alternate Side (#3.11)" (1991)
Rental Car Agent: Wouldf you like to purchase the renter's insurance?Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance because I'm going to beat the HELL out of this thing.
Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
"Seinfeld: The Frogger (#9.18)" (1998)
[Shlomo is playing the Frogger machine outside]George Costanza: What are you guys doing?
Shlomo: Eat the fly! Eat the fly! Got him!
George Costanza: You idiots! You're gonna wear down the battery.
Slippery Pete: The batteries are fine. We've got... oh, God. Only 3 minutes left.
George Costanza: Quick! Get this thing back in the pizzeria!
Cosmo Kramer: George, they closed up.
George Costanza: I need an outlet!
Slippery Pete: A what?
George Costanza: Holes! I need holes!
Cosmo Kramer: The pharmacy is still open.
George Costanza: All right. Kramer, you block off traffic. You two, go sweep-talk the pharmacist.
Slippery Pete: You owe me a quarter.
George Costanza: Slippery Pete. Kramer, hurry up!
Cosmo Kramer: [as he unwinds the police tape, only one lane long] Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!
Jerry Seinfeld: Come on, George, I'll help you push it across.
George Costanza: Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.
Jerry Seinfeld: By yourself?
George Costanza: Jerry, I've been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Jerry Seinfeld: I remember that night.
George Costanza: Oh, I was unstoppable. Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella. Just a right amount of grease on the joystick.
"Seinfeld: The Understudy (#6.23)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: [has just learned Jerry's girlfriend is Bette Midler's understudy in the Rochelly, Rochelle musical] Understudys, now they're a shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.Jerry Seinfeld: I'm glad that she's an understudy. This way I avoid having to go backstage and think of something to say.
George Costanza: Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink, then it's a real problem.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just once I'd like to tell someone they stink. 'Ya know what? I didn't like the show, I didn't like you, ya just really stunk. The whole thing: really bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.'
Elaine Benes: I'm telling you Jerry, I have a sneaking suspicion the women at the nail parlour were talking about me. I think they've been calling me a dog.
Jerry Seinfeld: How would you know? You don't speak Korean.
Elaine Benes: Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby calls the dog the same word they were saying when they were pointing at me.
Cosmo Kramer: Ya know, maybe in Korea, dog isn't an insult. It could be like the word fox to us. 'Oh, she's a dog.'
"Seinfeld: The Junior Mint (#4.20)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.Jerry: That's true.
Cosmo Kramer: It's very refreshing.
Jerry: Hey.
George Costanza: Hi...
[George is watching "Home Alone"]
Jerry: What are doing, are you crying?
George Costanza: No...
[he takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes]
Jerry: You're crying from "Home Alone"?
George Costanza: The old man got to me.
"Seinfeld: The Apartment (#2.5)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: People don't turn down money. This is what separates us from animals.Cosmo Kramer: I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but - - you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel anxious, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, 'cause I'm a pod.
Jerry: [Jerry shrugs in agreement]
"Seinfeld: The Gymnast (#6.6)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."George Louis Costanza: No, no, no. It was not trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it in the trash?
George Louis Costanza: Yes.
Jerry Seinfeld: Then it was trash.
George Louis Costanza: It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top.
Jerry Seinfeld: But it was in the cylinder.
George Louis Costanza: Above the rim.
Jerry Seinfeld: Adjacent to refuse is refuse.
George Louis Costanza: It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.
Jerry Seinfeld: Was it eaten?
George Louis Costanza: One little bite.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, that's garbage.
George Louis Costanza: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt.
Jerry Seinfeld: You, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum.
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.
Jerry Seinfeld: Boy, you can really talk some trash.
Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] I guess that's better than eating it.
"Seinfeld: The Little Kicks (#8.4)" (1996)
Jerry: I don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.George Costanza: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?
George Costanza: More like a full body dry heave set to music.
"Seinfeld: The Soup Nazi (#7.6)" (1995)
George Costanza: [Soup Nazi gives him a look] Medium turkey chili.[instantly moves to the cashier]
Jerry Seinfeld: Medium crab bisque.
George Costanza: [looks in his bag and notices no bread in it] I didn't get any bread.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread, $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
[snaps his fingers. The cashier instantly takes George's soup and gives him back his money]
Jerry Seinfeld: What are you gonna get?
Sheila: I'll decide at the last minute.
Jerry Seinfeld: You better decide, sister. You're on deck.
[Sheila kisses him]
Jerry Seinfeld: Sheila!
Soup Nazi: [pounds on the counter hard] HEY!
Jerry Seinfeld: Uh oh.
Soup Nazi: What is this? You're kissing in my line? NOBODY KISSES IN MY LINE!
Sheila: I can kiss anywhere I want to.
Soup Nazi: You just cost yourself a soup!
Sheila: HOW DARE YOU! C'mon Jerry, we're leaving.
[leaves the soup kitchen, but Jerry stays. Sheila comes back in]
Sheila: Jerry?
Jerry Seinfeld: Do I know you?
"Seinfeld: The Strongbox (#9.14)" (1998)
George Costanza: [Elaine thinks her boyfriend is a super hero] Who is this? Blue Arrow?Elaine Benes: No, Green Lantern.
Jerry Seinfeld: We found out his super power is lack of money.
Elaine Benes: Very funny.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine Benes: Ha ha.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
Elaine Benes: All right, that's enough.
George Costanza: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
Elaine Benes: Well crafted.
[leaves]
Elaine Benes: [Elaine reenters] I forgot my glasses.
Jerry Seinfeld: He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!
Elaine Benes: Keep 'em.
[leaves]
"Seinfeld: The Hamptons (#5.20)" (1994)
Jerry, George Costanza: Elaine!Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming afterwards.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
"Seinfeld: The Outing (#4.17)" (1993)
[repeated line]Jerry Seinfeld: [on homosexuality] Not that there's anything wrong with that!
"Seinfeld: The Implant (#4.19)" (1993)
Elaine Marie Benes: You've dated women with nose jobs before, so what's the big deal?Jerry Seinfeld: You don't touch the nose, you don't aspire to reach the nose, you don't unhook anything to get to the nose and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril!
"Seinfeld: The Bottle Deposit (#7.20)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: [as auto mechanic approaches] Hey, Tony.Tony: Thanks for coming in Jerry.
Jerry Seinfeld: Sure.
Tony: [mood shift] I think I know what's going here.
Jerry Seinfeld: [huh? frown]
Tony: [getting moody] And I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me Jerry. Ya know that motor oil you're putting in there? From one of those quickie lube places, isn't it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well I change it so often...
Tony: [interrupting] Jerry, motor oil is the life blood of a car. Okay, ya put in a low grade oil you can damage vital engine parts, okay? See this gasket?
[throws it down]
Tony: I have no confidence in that gasket.
Jerry Seinfeld: [trying to respond]
Tony: Here's what I wanna do. I want to overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under 60 miles an hour for a while. Ya gotta come in and ya gotta get the oil changed every 1000 miles.
Jerry Seinfeld: How much money is this gonna cost me?
Tony: [snort] I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. Ya know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry Seinfeld: The washer fluid is fine.
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, ya know what, um. I just wanna take my car and I'm gonna bring it some place else.
Tony: What do you mean?
Jerry Seinfeld: Just... can I have my car? I'm going to pay my bill, and I'm going to be on my way.
Tony: Well the car is on the lift.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well just get it down.
Tony: Alright. Okay, wait here, and I'll uh, I'll bring it around.
[walks away]
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, thanks very much.
Elaine Benes: [arriving] Hey, where's the car?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's bringing it.
Tony: [squeals away in Jerry's car, leaving Jerry and Elaine stranded]
"Seinfeld: The Caddy (#7.12)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, what're ya up to?Cosmo Kramer: Nothin'!
Jerry Seinfeld: Wanna go up to the Bronx and see if there's any flyers on George's car...
Cosmo Kramer: [eagerly] Sure!
Jerry Seinfeld: Guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I?
Cosmo Kramer: Yup.
"Seinfeld: The Secretary (#6.9)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: About George's new job: It's amazing! You're getting a secretary! Last week you were taking messages for your mother...George Costanza: And now someone will be taking messages for ME!
Jerry Seinfeld: ...From your mother.
"Seinfeld: The Pony Remark (#2.2)" (1991)
Cosmo Kramer: What, you don't think I can, huh?Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no, it's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't and I'm positive that you won't.
"Seinfeld: The Limo (#3.19)" (1992)
George Costanza: Didja see the way she was looking at me?Jerry Seinfeld: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
George Costanza: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.
"Seinfeld: The Pitch (#4.3)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: [after Newman leaves with Kramer's radar detector] Does that thing work?Cosmo Kramer: [almost before Jerry is even finished] Nah.
"Seinfeld: The Stranded (#3.10)" (1991)
George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says "make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me I wound up apologizing to her.Jerry Seinfeld: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure - "make love to me." What, am I in the circus?
"Seinfeld: The Bris (#5.5)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that[Kramer shows newspaper]
Cosmo Kramer: <-remove blank quote.
Jerry Seinfeld: What now?
[Jerry reads newspaper]
Jerry Seinfeld: . Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital... Yeah, so?
Cosmo Kramer: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
Elaine Benes: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
Cosmo Kramer: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry Seinfeld: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George Costanza: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Jerry Seinfeld: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.
"Seinfeld: The Pledge Drive (#6.3)" (1994)
Elaine: Um, what does Nana sound like?Jerry: Like a grandmother, why?
Elaine: Well...
Jerry: Oh, you hung up on my Nana?
Elaine: I don't know, maybe.
Jerry: You told Nana to drop dead?
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: Yes, it is!
"Seinfeld: The Ex-Girlfriend (#2.1)" (1991)
Marlene: I'm sorry Jerry, I just can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.Jerry: You're a cashier!
"Seinfeld: The Heart Attack (#2.8)" (1991)
Jerry: [Watching two paramedics fighting] All this over a Chuckle.Cosmo Kramer: What's a Chuckle?
Jerry: It's a jelly candy, comes in five flavors.
"Seinfeld: The Chicken Roaster (#8.8)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.Newman: I love broccoli, its good for you.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
[Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece]
Newman: Gladly.
[Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!
"Seinfeld: The Abstinence (#8.9)" (1996)
Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.Jerry Seinfeld: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.
"Seinfeld: The Shower Head (#7.15)" (1996)
[Morty learns "The Tonight Show" is taped in the afternoon and aired at night]Morty Seinfeld: How long has this been going on?
Jerry Seinfeld: [off-handedly] Thirty years.
"Seinfeld: The Doorman (#6.17)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: You think you're better than me?"Seinfeld: The Voice (#9.2)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: They're redoing the Cloud Club.Jerry: Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is, it's my idea.
Jerry: Which part? The renovating the restaurant you don't own part, or spending the 200 million you don't have part?
"Seinfeld: The Pie (#5.15)" (1994)
George Costanza: Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.Kramer: Heh, is that Elaine mannequin still there?
George Costanza: Yeah.
Kramer: Yeah!
George Costanza: The last time I saw her... she was naked.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, Poppie's got problems.
"Seinfeld: The Statue (#2.6)" (1991)
George Costanza: Oh my god, it's exactly the same.Jerry Seinfeld: What?
George Costanza: When I was 10 years old, my parents had the very same statue on the mantle, in our apartment exactly and one day I grabbed it, as a microphone. I was singing MacArthur Park, and I got to the part about "They'll never have that recipe again" and it slipped out of my hand and broke, my parents looked at me like I had smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day they bring it up, it was the single most damaging moment of my life, aside from seeing my Father naked.
"Seinfeld: The Slicer (#9.7)" (1997)
Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat] This slicer is indomitable.Jerry: Where did you get that butcher's coat?
Cosmo Kramer: You buy enough meat, they'll give you anything.
"Seinfeld: The Foundation (#8.1)" (1996)
George Costanza: What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?Jerry Seinfeld: Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George Costanza: What is that?
Jerry Seinfeld: Star Trek 2.
George Costanza: Wrath of Khan!
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.
George Costanza: It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah.
"Seinfeld: The Stall (#5.12)" (1994)
Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain. It's her! I'm telling you it's her.Jerry Seinfeld: Oh you're crazy.
Cosmo Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's impossible.
Cosmo Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry Seinfeld: It can't be.
Cosmo Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Alright that's enough.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeaaaaah!
"Seinfeld: The Pick (#4.13)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: What are you doing?Elaine Benes: Date with Fred.
Jerry Seinfeld: The religious guy?
Elaine Benes: He's not that religious!
Jerry Seinfeld: Let us pray.
"Seinfeld: The Strike (#9.10)" (1997)
[about a free sub card]Elaine: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it.
Jerry: No, you walk out.
Elaine: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
Jerry: No, you wait for the movie.
"Seinfeld: The Puffy Shirt (#5.2)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: You'll be the first modern-day pirate, Jerry!Jerry Seinfeld: But I don't want to be a pirate!
"Seinfeld: The Pen (#3.3)" (1991)
Helen Seinfeld: You're going underwater?Jerry Seinfeld: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.
Helen Seinfeld: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?
Jerry Seinfeld: What's so special up here?
"Seinfeld: The Wallet (#4.5)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't you hate the "to be continued" 's on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show, you're into the story. You know, there's like 5 minutes left and you realize "Hey! They can't make it! Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in 5 minutes!". I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see, I can't go "a man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms. Can you come back next week?""Seinfeld: The Truth (#3.2)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hold it just a second, let's not lose our heads here, Kramer you know your always welcome in my home, but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned that's another story."Seinfeld: The Seven (#7.13)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: "Seven"? Yeah, I guess I can see it: seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches per beating and eventually seven years to life."Seinfeld: The Nose Job (#3.9)" (1991)
Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex - I was like an animal. I mean, it was just completely uninhibited.George Costanza: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: [pause] It's not like that at all.
"Seinfeld: The Jimmy (#6.18)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: [talking about Dr. Whatley's dentistry practice in a slurred voice] He's got a new policy. Adults only. It's great. You don't have to watch your language.Jerry: You feel the need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist?
Cosmo Kramer: When they pull that needle out, I let the ex-ple-tives fly!
"Seinfeld: The Doll (#7.16)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.George Costanza: So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.
Jerry Seinfeld: [while opening his cereal box] I will - don't worry.
[Plotting his revenge]
Jerry Seinfeld: In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!
Elaine Benes: That's sounds pretty juvenile.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Pulling out his toy prize from the bottom of the cereal box -smiling] Hey! A dinosaur!
"Seinfeld: The Wife (#5.17)" (1994)
Jerry: I love saying "my wife," once I started saying it, I couldn't stop: "my wife this, my wife that." It's an amazing way to begin a sentence.Cosmo Kramer: "My wife has an inner-ear infection."
Jerry: See?
Cosmo Kramer: I like that.
"Seinfeld: The Marine Biologist (#5.14)" (1994)
[last lines]George: The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
George: [reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George Nods]
Kramer: A hole in one, huh?
"Clerks: The Clipshow Wherein Dante and Randal Are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their Lives (#1.2)" (2000)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.Dante Hicks: I'm on a break.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does 2% milk...
Dante Hicks: I said I don't care. Get out.
Gwyneth Paltrow: But I have a membership. Paltrow, Gwyneth.
Randal Graves: I said get out.
Dante Hicks: We're closed. Get out.
Randal Graves: Get the hell out, Scorsese.
Dante Hicks: Screw you, Miss Hepburn.
Randal Graves: Up yours, Matt Damon.
[Randal throws a soda at Matt Damon]
"Seinfeld: The Beard (#6.15)" (1995)
[Jerry is trying to figure out a way to get out of admitting he watches "Melrose Place"]Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Costanza?
"Seinfeld: The Shoes (#4.16)" (1993)
Jerry Seinfeld: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it then you look away."Seinfeld: The Bubble Boy (#4.7)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: He's a bubble-boy!George Costanza: A bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, a bubble-boy.
Susan Biddle Ross: What's a bubble-boy?
Jerry Seinfeld: He lives in a bubble.
George Costanza: Boy!
"Seinfeld: The Boyfriend: Part 2 (#3.18)" (1992)
George Costanza: Magellan? You like Magellan?Jerry Seinfeld: Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world? Come on. Why, who do you like?
George Costanza: De Soto.
Jerry Seinfeld: De Soto, why De Soto?
George Costanza: He discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, like they wouldn't have found it anyway.
"Seinfeld: The Switch (#6.11)" (1995)
Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: [both laughing] Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: [entering Jerry's apartment] What's so funny?... wha?
"Seinfeld: The Phone Message (#2.4)" (1991)
Donna: Is there anything else I should know about you?Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, I'm lactose intolerant. I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it.
"Seinfeld: The Robbery (#1.2)" (1990)
Elaine: Jerry, come on, you're doing okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.Jerry: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here!
Elaine: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.
"Seinfeld: The Calzone (#7.19)" (1996)
Cosmo Kramer: [hunched over a massive pile of change] Hey buddy.Jerry: What the hell is all this?
Cosmo Kramer: It's my change. I need quarters for the dryer.
Jerry: Why can't you do this on your own table?
Cosmo Kramer: Because I don't have a table.
"Seinfeld: The Deal (#2.9)" (1991)
Jerry: [Discussing The Deal with Elaine] Because this...[gesturing between them]
Jerry: is very good.
Elaine: [Gesturing to the bedroom] And that would be good.
Jerry: That would be good too.
[repeating gestures]
Jerry: See the idea's to combine this and that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Elaine: Yeah, we just want to take this and... add that.
[Jerry makes a "There you have it" gesture]
"Seinfeld: The Checks (#8.7)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: [about Kramer's Japanese house guests] This has international incident written all over it."Seinfeld: The Pool Guy (#7.8)" (1995)
George Costanza: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.Jerry Seinfeld: I, I love that George.
George Costanza: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!
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