Elaine Benes
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Quotes for
Elaine Benes (Character)
from "Seinfeld" (1989)

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"Seinfeld: The Betrayal (#9.8)" (1997)
George Costanza: So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what?
Elaine Benes: George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
George Costanza: Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.

Sue Ellen Mischke: Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with my Pinter?
Elaine Benes: No, no, no - it was years ago, before you met him! And, I gotta tell you, it was very mechanical.

Elaine Benes: Hey, are those Timberlands... painted black?
George Costanza: Is your nose pierced?

[at Sue Ellen's wedding, just before the ceremony is to begin]
Elaine Benes: [whispering] Would you grow up, George? What is the difference? Nina slept with him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares; it's all ancient history.
George Costanza: [loudly] You slept with the groom?

Jerry Seinfeld: You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! Is there anything else?
Elaine Benes: I can't tell you!
Jerry Seinfeld: Here, drink this.

Elaine Benes: [drunk] George knows that you slept with Nina; that's why he was acting so weird.
Jerry Seinfeld: How did he find out?
Elaine Benes: [holding a miniature bottle enthusiastically] He "schnapped" me!

[arriving in India]
Elaine Benes: Oh, God; it's so hot! And what is that smell?
Jerry Seinfeld: I think it's the stench of death.

Sue Ellen Mischke: Elaine? Oh! Oh, I am so happy to see you!
Elaine Benes: You are?
Sue Ellen Mischke: Well, of course. No one else was even willing to come to India. I mean, not even Pinter's parents - and they're Indian.

Elaine Benes: Oh, boy; there's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here am I with a bunch of my idiot friends.
Jerry Seinfeld: [excitedly] This is gonna be great!

Nina Stengle: By the way, you never said anything to George about Jerry and me, did you?
Elaine Benes: Oh, please - it's in the vault.

Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: You just asked me two minutes ago.
["Two Minutes Ago"]
Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm not wearin' a watch.

George Costanza: Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina?
Elaine Benes: Nina? Nina? Nope. Sh... Not weird, no, Nina.
George Costanza: Why do you keep saying "Nina"?
Elaine Benes: I don't know.
Elaine Benes: "Nina." "Nina!"... I'm gonna go grab a bite.

[Elaine popped into Jerry's apartment just as Nina was leaving Jerry's bedroom]
Elaine Benes: Who else you got back there?
Jerry Seinfeld: Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before!
Elaine Benes: You *slept with Nina.* What are you gonna tell George?
Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing - and neither will you. George can never know about this: It'll crush him.
Elaine Benes: All right, all right; I'll put it in the vault.
Jerry Seinfeld: No good. Too many people know the combination.
Elaine Benes: What combination?
[Jerry mimes drinking from a bottle]

Elaine Benes: Your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke -
Usher: You're not going to the wedding, are you?
Elaine Benes: Well -
Usher: Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place.
Zubin: You know, it's the only country that still has the plague.
Zubin: I mean, the plague - please.

Zubin: If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip.
Elaine Benes: That's... fantastic.

Elaine Benes: You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail: invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.
Elaine Benes: Not the point. The wedding is in one week; I got this today.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you think it's a non-vite.
Elaine Benes: It's an un-vitation.

Elaine Benes: Hey, are you gettin' taller?
George Costanza: Timberlands.

[Elaine reads the wedding invitation from Sue Ellen Mischke]
Elaine Benes: Hey, look at this: Pinter Ranawat? I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat.
Jerry Seinfeld: It's probably like "Smith" over there.

"Seinfeld: The Wizard (#9.15)" (1998)
[Elaine is apathetic about maintaining her relationship with Puddy]
Jerry Seinfeld: Still no Puddy?
Elaine Benes: Eh, I think he's answering machine's broken, so I just gave up.

Elaine Benes: Oh, Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross.
Mrs. Ross: Oh, you're George's friend.
Mr. Ross: We saw him in the city this weekend. What happened to his place in the Hamptons?
Elaine Benes: [Elaine bursts out laughing and can't stop] The *Hamptons?* George Costanza? I -
[laughs more]
Elaine Benes: I don't think so!
[continues laughing as she leaves]
Elaine Benes: Have a good one.

[Elaine can't figure out whether her new boyfriend is black. She's talking to Jerry on the telephone]
Jerry Seinfeld: So, did you figure out Darryl's... you know?
Elaine Benes: Nah, I've given up, so now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.... Figure that'll cover us either way.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're a master of race relations.

[Elaine and Jerry are talking on the telephone]
Elaine Benes: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes - preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
Elaine Benes: [laughs] Who are they running against?
Jerry Seinfeld: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

[Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment]
George Costanza: Jerry?
Elaine Benes: He's still down with his folks.
George Costanza: What are you doing here?
Jerry Seinfeld: [worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?*
Elaine Benes: [ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no.
George Costanza: He asked you to get the mail?
Elaine Benes: Mm-hmm.
George Costanza: [George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.
George Costanza: Well, what about the mail?
Jerry Seinfeld: This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.
George Costanza: All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.
[hangs up]

George Costanza: So, ran into the Rosses again.
Elaine Benes: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: From me.
Elaine Benes: What did you say?
George Costanza: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did *you* say?
Elaine Benes: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.
George Costanza: So they knew? Those liars!
Elaine Benes: But, you lied first!
George Costanza: [Angrily] Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons; they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when you know they're lying - you *call* them a liar!
Elaine Benes: Like, "You're a liar."
George Costanza: Yes! Thank you! Was that so hard?
Elaine Benes: So is this over? Not over?... I'm bettin' "not over."
George Costanza: Not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then, we'll see who blinks first.
Elaine Benes: Haven't you done enough to these people?
George Costanza: This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.

Darryl: Did you hear that?
Elaine Benes: What?
Darryl: God, there are still people who have trouble with an interracial couple.
Elaine Benes: [happily] Interracial? Us?
Darryl: Isn't that unbelievable?
Elaine Benes: Yes! It's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial couple.
Elaine Benes: That is racism!
Darryl: I don't feel like eating.
Elaine Benes: Me neither - well, maybe this turkey club.

"Seinfeld: The Contest (#4.11)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man, we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle. It's like shaving.
Elaine Benes: Oh, that is such baloney! I shave my legs.
Cosmo Kramer: [while eating] Not everyday.

Jerry Seinfeld: But... are you still Master of your domain?
Elaine Benes: I'm queen of the castle.

[after Kramer is out]
Elaine Benes: And then there were three.

Elaine Benes: [Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention] So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Still staring at the woman] Uh-huh.
George Costanza: Have a good time.

Elaine Benes: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out.
[Giddy and nearly out of breath]
Elaine Benes: So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows... And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?"

"Seinfeld: The Burning (#9.16)" (1998)
Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
George Costanza: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
Elaine: So you think Puddy actually believes in something?
Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.
Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.

Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
Jerry: That sounds about right. Hey, did you hear the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the donuts?
Elaine: Jerry, I'm not in the mood.
George Costanza: [to the waitress] I'll have some coffee and a donut.

Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That sounds about right.

Elaine: Do you believe in God?
David Puddy: Yeah...
Elaine: Is it a problem for you that I'm not religious?
David Puddy: No.
Elaine: Why not?
David Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.

"Seinfeld: The Marine Biologist (#5.14)" (1994)
Elaine Benes: [Talking with Lippman and Testikow in the limo about War and Peace] Although one wonders if "War and Peace" would have been as highly acclaimed as it was if it was published under it's original name "War: What Is It Good For?"
Lippman: What?
Elaine Benes: Yes. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress who insisted he called it "War and Peace." "War - What Is It Good For"
Elaine Benes: Absolutely nothin'!
[Speaking to Testikov]
Elaine Benes: The song got that line got from Tolstoy.
Lippman: I'm sorry. It's just her sense of humor.

Jerry: [Opening scene: In Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the phone] Elaine, see this t-shirts. Six years I've had this t-shirt. It's my best one. I call it... Golden Boy.
Elaine Benes: I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here, touch Golden Boy!
Elaine Benes: No thanks.
[to the phone]
Elaine Benes: Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
Jerry: But, see. Look at the collar. See it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer. That's what makes the t-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine Benes: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolite?
Jerry: No! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash! Spin! Rinse! Spin! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!

Elaine Benes: [Closing scene as they leave the restaurant] Are you in a bad mood?
Jerry: No, I just got my laundry back.
Elaine Benes: Ohhh. Golden Boy?
Jerry: He didn't make it.
Elaine Benes: I'm sorry.
Jerry: This is Golden Boy's son, Baby Blue.
[Elaine rolls her eyes]

Jerry: [after Elaine mentions Tolstoy] Hey, you know what? I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day. Did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War - What Is It Good For?"
Elaine Benes: Ha, ha.
Jerry: No, no. I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true. His mistress didn't like the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace".
Elaine Benes: But it's a line from that song.
Jerry: That's were they got it from.
Elaine Benes: Really?
Jerry: I'm not joking.

"Seinfeld: The Merv Griffin Show (#9.6)" (1997)
Elaine Benes: Kramer, what is wrong with you?
Cosmo Kramer: What do you mean?
Elaine Benes: Well, for starters, you're lookin' at note cards...

Elaine Benes: I was sittin' there, making Cup-a-Soup, singing that song from The Lion King.
Jerry Seinfeld: "Hakuna Matata"?
Elaine Benes: [ashamedly] I thought I was alone.
Jerry Seinfeld: That doesn't make it right.

Jerry Seinfeld: See, to me, the "Hakuna Matata" is not nearly as embarrassing as the Cup-a-Soup.
Elaine Benes: Would you just... let it go?

[J. Peterman is reading People magazine; Elaine enters]
Elaine Benes: Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted -
J. Peterman: One moment.
J. Peterman: I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year... And, done.

"Seinfeld: The Bookstore (#9.17)" (1998)
Jerry Seinfeld: [as Elaine walks up, disheveled] Sleeping in the caragain?
Elaine Benes: Cocktail flu.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Remembering] Oh, right. The big party...
George Costanza: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
Elaine Benes: No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many...
George Costanza: You went home with him?
Elaine Benes: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!
Jerry Seinfeld: [Rubbing it in] Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?
Elaine Benes: [Gives Jerry a look] Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?
Jerry Seinfeld: What's your position?
Elaine Benes: *I* am an *associate*.
George Costanza: Hey, me too.
[Waitress walks up]
Waitress: Yeah, me too.
Elaine Benes: Oh God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.
George Costanza: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.
Elaine Benes: Ooh... right. 'Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.
Jerry Seinfeld: As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
Elaine Benes: Ooh, bravo.

J. Peterman: Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.
Elaine Benes: [Faking a broken heart] Oh yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room.
Elaine Benes: Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton?
Elaine Benes: Love newton?
J. Peterman: I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinaman's nightcap.
Elaine Benes: An addict?... Well, it just keeps getting better!
J. Peterman: And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles, filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions... plus, I gave him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.
Elaine Benes: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!
J. Peterman: Damn it, Elaine. That wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey... And you will be at his side.
Elaine Benes: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh...
J. Peterman: [Cutting her off] No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status.
[Peterman goes to leave]
J. Peterman: Oh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst... Beeetter bring a poncho.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.
Jerry Seinfeld: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.
Elaine Benes: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it: the Detox Poncho.

"Seinfeld: The Race (#6.10)" (1994)
George Costanza: Your boyfriend reads the Daily Worker? What is he? A communist?
Elaine Marie Benes: He reads everything, you know, Ned's very well read.
George Costanza: Maybe he's just very well red?

Jerry Seinfeld: I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run.
Elaine Marie Benes: So now Duncan is back?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's back. And I knew he would be someday. Man that's some tart cider!

Elaine Marie Benes: Oh well nothing wrong with that. Gotta make those big bucks... money money money money money money money... ha ha ha ha ah... are you a communist?
Ned: Yes, as a matter of fact I am.
Elaine Marie Benes: OH, AH! OH! WOW! WHOA! A COMMIE! Wow, gee, man it must be a bummer for you guys, what with the fall of the Soviet empire and everything.
Ned: Yeah, well, we still got China, and Cuba.
Elaine Marie Benes: Yeah, but come on...
Ned: I know it's not the same.
Elaine Marie Benes: Well, you had a good run. What was it 75, 80 years? Wreaking havoc, making everybody nervous.
Ned: Yeah, we had a good run.

"Seinfeld: The Soup (#6.7)" (1994)
Kenny: Oh, Jerry, you know what just hit me? I was thinking - What size suit are you?
Jerry Seinfeld: Ahh, I'm a 40. Why?
Kenny: I just got a brand new Armani suit - doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I don't know if I...
Kenny: Oh, come on. Why should it just sit in the closet?
Elaine Benes: An Armani suit?
George Costanza: Take the suit!
Jerry Seinfeld: Well... okay, I guess...

Jerry Seinfeld: [answering the phone] Hello? No, I'm sorry, Bania. I'm not going over this again. Well, who told you to order soup?... No! There's no dinner. There's not going to be any dinner. You've had a sandwich and two bowls of soup and that's it. Good-bye.
[He hangs up the phone and turns to Simon]
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, what size suit are you?
Simon: 40.
Jerry Seinfeld: 40. Perfect. Brand-new Armani suit, you want it?
Simon: Absolutely!
Jerry Seinfeld: Great, it's yours. I can't stand the sight of it. Elaine, here's the car keys.
Elaine Benes: Thanks.
[the telephone rings again]
Jerry Seinfeld: Yo?
Kenny: Listen, Jerry, I've been doing some thinking. I want my suit back.

Jerry Seinfeld: So he just gets soup. He wants to save the meal. So now I got to do it all over again.
Elaine Benes: What kind of soup did he get?
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't know. Consomme or something.
Elaine Benes: Consomme, hmm.
Jerry Seinfeld: What?
Elaine Benes: Well, that's not really a meal, Jerry. I mean, if he had gotten Chicken Gumbo, or Matzah Ball, or Mushroom Barley. Then I would agree with you. Those are very hearty soups.
Jerry Seinfeld: Elaine, you're missing the whole point.
Elaine Benes: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: The meal is the act of sitting down with him. It doesn't matter what you get. As long as he's sitting in that restaurant, it's a meal.
Elaine Benes: Was it a cup or a bowl?
Jerry Seinfeld: You see - ah, uh...
Elaine Benes: I'm just curious.
Jerry Seinfeld: A bowl, okay?
Elaine Benes: Did he crumble any crackers in it?
[Jerry exhales in exasperation]
Elaine Benes: Did he crumble any crackers in it?
Jerry Seinfeld: As a matter of fact, he did.
Elaine Benes: Oh, well. Crackers in a bowl. That, that could be a meal.
Jerry Seinfeld: It's like I'm talking to my Aunt Sylvia here.

"Seinfeld: The Beard (#6.15)" (1995)
Cosmo Kramer: Hey.
George Costanza: You fixed me up with a bald woman!
Cosmo Kramer: [flinches]
Cosmo Kramer: Bald?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald!
George Costanza: So?
Elaine: [puts her hands up to her mouth] You're bald!
George Costanza: [indignantly] No, I'm not!
[he "beeps" Elaine on the nose]
George Costanza: I... *was* bald.

[Jerry is trying to figure out a way to get out of admitting he watches "Melrose Place"]
Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Costanza?

"Seinfeld: The Stall (#5.12)" (1994)
Elaine Benes: [Beginning of the episode, in a restroom stall at the theater] What a dope! Uh... excuse me. Umm... I'm sorry. This is... this is kind of embarrassing but there's no toilet paper over here.
Jane: [From the stall on Elaine's right] Are you talking to me?
Elaine Benes: Yeah. I just forgot to check. So if you could just spare me some.
Jane: No, I'm sorry.
Elaine Benes: What?
Jane: No I'm sorry, I can't spare it.
Elaine Benes: You can't spare it?
Jane: No, there's not enough to spare.
Elaine Benes: Well I don't need much. Just 3 squares will do it.
Jane: I'm sorry. I don't have a square to spare. Now if you don't mind.
Elaine Benes: 3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares?
Jane: No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square.
Elaine Benes: Oh, is it two-ply? Cause if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply. One ply, one, one! puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply.
Jane: Look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply.
[She flushes and leaves]
Elaine Benes: No, no, no, no! Don't! Don't! I beg you!

Jane: [End of the episode, in the restroom at Monk's] Oh damn.
Elaine Benes: [Elaine got into the restroom ahead of Jane] Something wrong?
Jane: Yeah. There's no toilet paper out here. I usually check, but would you mind?
Elaine Benes: I can't. I don't have it. I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square.
Jane: Wait a minute. I know you.
Elaine Benes: That's right honey, and I know you!
[Elaine runs out of the restroom with the toilet paper, and gives the rolls to Jerry]
Jane: No, no, no!

"Seinfeld: The Pick (#4.13)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: What are you doing?
Elaine Benes: Date with Fred.
Jerry Seinfeld: The religious guy?
Elaine Benes: He's not that religious!
Jerry Seinfeld: Let us pray.

Elaine Benes: I did not bare myself deliberately but I tell you, I wish now that I had! Because it is not me that has been exposed, but you! For I have seen the nipple on your soul!

"Seinfeld: The Invitations (#7.22)" (1996)
George Costanza: She's, uh... gone.
Jerry Seinfeld: Dead?
Elaine Benes: I'm... so sorry George?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, me too.
Cosmo Kramer: Poor Lilly.

Jerry Seinfeld: So I guess... you're not getting married.
George Costanza: Yeah...
Jerry Seinfeld: But...
George Costanza: Yeah?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, now I'm engaged.
George Costanza: Yeah.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I thought we'd both be getting married.
George Costanza: Hey, what can I tell you?
Elaine Benes: Alright...
George Costanza: Come on, let's get some coffee.
Jerry Seinfeld: We had a pact!

"Seinfeld: The Opposite (#5.21)" (1994)
George Costanza: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.
Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George Costanza: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea.
Elaine Benes: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
George Costanza: [Sarcastically] Good for the tuna.
Elaine Benes: [a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George Costanza: So what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine Benes: Go talk to her.
George Costanza: Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George Costanza: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry Seinfeld: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George Costanza: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
George Costanza: [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria: Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
George Costanza: [Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria: I'm Victoria. Hi.

Elaine Benes: [Closing scene at Monk's. Elaine is telling Jerry and Kramer how, by eating Jujyfruits, she couldn't tell Mr. Lippman to take his handkerchief. Because he didn't have it after he sneezed, he didn't shake hands with the Japanese businessmen who were going to buy Pendant Publishing, which led to them not going through with the merger] I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
Jerry Seinfeld: Why'd you have to eat so many?
Elaine Benes: Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
Jerry Seinfeld: Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
Kramer: Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose?
Elaine Benes: Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't say that.
Elaine Benes: It's true. I'm George! I'm George!

"Seinfeld: The English Patient (#8.17)" (1997)
[Elaine and Peterman are watching "The English Patient". Elaine is about to freak out of boredom]
Elaine Benes: [quietly] No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long.
Elaine Benes: [yells] Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!
J. Peterman: [surprised] Elaine, you don't like the movie?
Elaine Benes: [shouts] I hate it!
[the audience shushes Elaine]
Elaine Benes: [shouts back] Oh, go to hell!

[as Elaine turns to re-enter the theatre, she sees Gail, Carol and Lisa coming out]
Elaine Benes: [surprised] Hey, what're you guys doing here?
Lisa: We just saw "The English Patient" again.
Gail: It's even better the second time.
Elaine Benes: [sarcastically] They made it longer?

"Seinfeld: The Pony Remark (#2.2)" (1991)
Elaine Benes: Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Wonder about what?
Elaine Benes: You know, the spirit world.
Jerry Seinfeld: What, you think Manya
[her spirit]
Jerry Seinfeld: showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
Elaine Benes: I have never seen anyone play so bad like that.
Jerry Seinfeld: But I went to the funeral!
Elaine Benes: Yeah, but that doesn't make up for "killing" her!

George Costanza: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George Costanza: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?

"Seinfeld: The Robbery (#1.2)" (1990)
Elaine: Jerry, come on, you're doing okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live like this.
Jerry: Like this? You just said you wanted to live here!
Elaine: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.

[a police officer at Jerry's apartment, taking notes of articles stolen]
Cop: Let's see, that's one tv, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR, and a computer. Is that about it?
Elaine: Answering machine.
Jerry: *Answering machine*. Boy, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.
Cop: What do you mean?
Jerry: It's a joke.
Cop: I see. Well, Mr Seinfeld, we'll look into it and we'll let you know if we, you know, if we find anything.
Jerry: Do you ever find anything?
Cop: No.

"Seinfeld: The Little Kicks (#8.4)" (1996)
Elaine Benes: [after Kramer informs her that her dancing is terrible] Jerry, so I stink?
Jerry: All right! You're beyond stink!
Elaine Benes: But I really enjoy dancing.
Jerry: And that's not helping either.

Anna: You have a minute to approve some copy?
Elaine Benes: Oh yeah, sure, sure. So ah, did ya have a good time at the party last night?
Anna: It was a real... kick.
Elaine Benes: Hey, did you happen to speak to my friend George?
Anna: As a matter of fact I did.
Elaine Benes: Ah hah. Well, listen. You would be wise to keep your distance from him.
Anna: Why? He seems harmless.
Elaine Benes: Oh he's not. He's very harmful.
Anna: Really?
Elaine Benes: Oh trust me. He's a bad seed. He's a horrible seed. He's one of the worst seeds I've ever seen.
Anna: And you two are friends?
Elaine Benes: Yeah, we're good friends.

"Seinfeld: The Soup Nazi (#7.6)" (1995)
George Costanza: Good afternoon. One large crab bisque to go.
[gets his soup and looks inside]
George Costanza: Bread. Beautiful.
Soup Nazi: You're pushing your luck little man.
George Costanza: Sorry. Thank you.
Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, uh -
[drumming on countertop]
Elaine Benes: Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um... what is that right there? Is that lima bean?
Soup Nazi: Yes.
Elaine Benes: Never been a big fan.
Elaine Benes: Um... you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, "Scent Of A Woman." Who-ah! Who-ah!
Soup Nazi: Very good. Very good.
Elaine Benes: Well, I...
Soup Nazi: You know something?
Elaine Benes: Hmmm?
Elaine Benes: What?

[Elaine has gotten hold of the Soup Nazi's recipes]
Elaine Benes: You're through, Soup Nazi! No more soup for *you*.
Elaine Benes: NEXT!

"Seinfeld: The Little Jerry (#8.11)" (1997)
Jerry: Well, we barely knew the guy.
Elaine Benes: So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.
Jerry: That's the way it works.
Elaine Benes: When did you tell George to be here?
Jerry: I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?
Elaine Benes: About five.
Jerry: That's enough.
[They leave. George comes around the corner]
George Costanza: [looks at his watch] Early! Alright!
George Costanza: Cold.

Jerry: Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change.
Elaine Benes: Jerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to?

"Seinfeld: The Wife (#5.17)" (1994)
[Elaine catches Greg not cleaning his sweat off the exercise equipment]
Greg: You're friends with the urinator, aren't you?
Elaine Benes: At least he had a drain.

Cosmo Kramer: Hey Elaine, whatdya say if neither of us is married in 10 years, you and I get hitched.
Elaine Benes: Make it 50.
Cosmo Kramer: [to Jerry] We're engaged!

"Seinfeld: The Chinese Restaurant (#2.11)" (1991)
Elaine: [waiting in restaurant] You know, it's not fair that people are selected first come, first served. It should be based on who's hungriest!

Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.

"Seinfeld: The Strongbox (#9.14)" (1998)
George Costanza: [Elaine thinks her boyfriend is a super hero] Who is this? Blue Arrow?
Elaine Benes: No, Green Lantern.
Jerry Seinfeld: We found out his super power is lack of money.
Elaine Benes: Very funny.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine Benes: Ha ha.
Jerry Seinfeld: He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.
Elaine Benes: All right, that's enough.
George Costanza: Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".
Elaine Benes: Well crafted.

Elaine Benes: [Elaine reenters] I forgot my glasses.
Jerry Seinfeld: He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!
Elaine Benes: Keep 'em.

"Seinfeld: The Couch (#6.5)" (1994)
Jerry Seinfeld: And what is his stand on abortion?
Elaine Marie Benes: What?
Jerry Seinfeld: What is his stand... on abortion?
Elaine Marie Benes: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.
Jerry Seinfeld: How do you know?
Elaine Marie Benes: Because he... Well... He's just so good-looking.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, you should probably ask. Because if he's gonna be coming over with those Pokeno's Pizzas... could be trouble.

Elaine Marie Benes: So what did you end up doing with the couch?
Jerry Seinfeld: I gave it to George.
Elaine Marie Benes: Did you tell him it was peed on?
Jerry Seinfeld: He said he was going to flip the cushion.

"Seinfeld: The Bris (#5.5)" (1993)
Cosmo Kramer: Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that
[Kramer shows newspaper]
Cosmo Kramer: <-remove blank quote.
Jerry Seinfeld: What now?
[Jerry reads newspaper]
Jerry Seinfeld: . Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital... Yeah, so?
Cosmo Kramer: Pigman, baby. Pigman.
Elaine Benes: Oh, if I hear about this pigman one more time...
Cosmo Kramer: I'm tellin ya the pigman is alive. The governments been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry Seinfeld: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh. Jerry wake up to reality. It's military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George Costanza: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Jerry Seinfeld: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.

Elaine Benes: Did you find the place alright?
Mohel: Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway, someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag, 'cause I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ah, what's the point?

"Seinfeld: The Serenity Now (#9.3)" (1997)
[after Patty breaks up with Jerry]
Jerry: [crying] What is this salty discharge?
Elaine Benes: Oh, my God. You're crying.
Jerry: This is horrible! I *care*!

George Costanza: You know, after all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together
Elaine Benes: Well that's because you're an idiot!

"Seinfeld: The Jacket (#2.3)" (1991)
Elaine Benes: My father thinks George is gay.
Jerry Seinfeld: Because of all the singing?
Elaine Benes: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.

Jerry Seinfeld: What is this?
[picks a jacket of the rack]
Jerry Seinfeld: This is beautiful.
[holds it up for Elaine to see]
Jerry Seinfeld: These jackets never fit me right.
Elaine Benes: Try it on.
Elaine Benes: Hmmm! Wow! This is soft suede.
Jerry Seinfeld: This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.
Jerry Seinfeld: How much is it?
Elaine Benes: [surprised] Oh... my... God!
Jerry Seinfeld: Bad ?
[Elaine nods]
Jerry Seinfeld: Very bad?
Elaine Benes: You have no idea.
Jerry Seinfeld: I have some idea.
Elaine Benes: No idea.
Jerry Seinfeld: I've got a ball park.
Elaine Benes: There is no park and the team has re-located.

"Seinfeld: The Dealership (#9.11)" (1998)
Elaine Benes: You couldn't just give him one high-five?
Jerry Seinfeld: And where does it end? Then, everyone's doin' it. It's like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Don't go there." - Someone's gotta take a stand!

"Seinfeld: The Hot Tub (#7.5)" (1995)
Elaine Benes: [Thinking to herself while she can hear Jerry saying, "He's depending on you" and Jean-Paul saying, "She is my friend"] Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times! It's never looked so strange! The faces... so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless... a bastard child, perhaps. My back aches... my heart aches... but my feet
[stops to look at her feet]
Elaine Benes: ... my feet are resilient!
[a big smile grows in her face, as she thinks... ]
Elaine Benes: Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my... HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!
[lifting her arms up in the air, in ecstasy, as she says... ]
Elaine Benes: Yes!

"Seinfeld: The Boyfriend: Part 1 (#3.17)" (1992)
George Costanza: [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry: No, what happened to you?
George Costanza: All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza: Right.
Jerry: What is that?
George Costanza: You're in latex.
Jerry: What do I do with latex?
George Costanza: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine: [laughing] Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George Costanza: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman?
Jerry: I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza: [angrily] Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

"Seinfeld: The Finale (#9.22)" (1998)
[Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer have been sentenced to one year in prison]
Elaine Benes: [notices Puddy leaving] Puddy! Don't wait for me!
David Puddy: [looking indifferent] All right.

"Seinfeld: The Wait Out (#7.21)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, uh... what'd you get there?
Cosmo Kramer: I bought Dungarees.
Elaine Benes: Kramer, they're painted on!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, they're slim-fit.
Jerry Seinfeld: Slim-fit?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, they're streamlined.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
Cosmo Kramer: What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all.

"Seinfeld: The Hamptons (#5.20)" (1994)
Jerry, George Costanza: Elaine!
Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming afterwards.
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George Costanza: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

"Seinfeld: The Lip Reader (#5.6)" (1993)
George Costanza: All right. All right. What, what are they saying?
[the gang eavesdrops on Gwen and Todd's conversation with Laura watching, reading their lips, signs, and Kramer translating her sign language]
Kramer: [translating] Hi, Gwen. High tide.
Jerry Seinfeld: High tide?
Kramer: Hi Todd.
Kramer: You got something in between your teeth.
George Costanza: Where?
Kramer: No, that's what he said.
Kramer: That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup.
[to George]
Kramer: So do I, huh?
Elaine Benes: [to Jerry] So wild! Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, if I lend her to you, I have to lend her to everybody.
Gwen: I don't envy you, Todd. This place is gonna be a mess.
Todd: Well, maybe you can stick around after everybody leaves and we can sweep together.
Kramer: [translating] Why don't stick around and we could *sleep* together?
George Costanza: [shocked] What?
Kramer: [translating] You want me to sleep with you?
Todd: I don't wanna sweep alone.
Kramer: [translating] He says, "I don't wanna sleep alone." And she says, "Oh, boy. Love to."
George Costanza: [becoming mad] All right. That's it.
[walks over to them]
George Costanza: So, you get rid of me and now the two of you are gonna sleep together?
Gwen: What? You're crazy!
Kramer: [while translating to Jerry and Elaine] What? You're crazy.
George Costanza: I heard your whole conversation.
Gwen: How?
[George looks the other way as Laura signs it]
Kramer: [translates] How?
George Costanza: I can read lips. You said, "let's sleep together."
Gwen: No, I didn't! I said "sweep." Let's sweep together, you know, like with a
[while Kramer translates it to Jerry and Elaine]
Gwen: broom, cleaning up?
George Costanza: Sweep?
Kramer, Gwen: Yes. Sweep.

"Seinfeld: The Rye (#7.11)" (1996)
Elaine Benes: You know, one of these days something terrible is going to happen to you. It has to!
Jerry Seinfeld: No, I'm going to be just fine.

"Seinfeld: The Implant (#4.19)" (1993)
Elaine Marie Benes: You've dated women with nose jobs before, so what's the big deal?
Jerry Seinfeld: You don't touch the nose, you don't aspire to reach the nose, you don't unhook anything to get to the nose and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril!

"Seinfeld: The Switch (#6.11)" (1995)
Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George Costanza: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George Costanza: Oh, she's a *Kramer*. And uh, while I was there I, uh, happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Ah, I'm ready what?
Jerry: What is it?
George Costanza: I, uh, got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
Jerry: I've been trying to get it out of him for ten years! What is it?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: Cosmo?
George Costanza: Cosmo.
Jerry, Elaine: [both laughing] Cosmo?
Cosmo Kramer: [entering Jerry's apartment] What's so funny?... wha?

"Seinfeld: The Strike (#9.10)" (1997)
[about a free sub card]
Elaine: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it.
Jerry: No, you walk out.
Elaine: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
Jerry: No, you wait for the movie.

"Seinfeld: The Library (#3.5)" (1991)
Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well what do girls do?
Elaine: Nothing. We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.

"Seinfeld: The Non-Fat Yogurt (#5.7)" (1993)
Elaine Benes: Que Rico!
Jerry Seinfeld: Suave!

"Seinfeld: The Bottle Deposit (#7.20)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: [as auto mechanic approaches] Hey, Tony.
Tony: Thanks for coming in Jerry.
Jerry Seinfeld: Sure.
Tony: [mood shift] I think I know what's going here.
Jerry Seinfeld: [huh? frown]
Tony: [getting moody] And I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me Jerry. Ya know that motor oil you're putting in there? From one of those quickie lube places, isn't it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Well I change it so often...
Tony: [interrupting] Jerry, motor oil is the life blood of a car. Okay, ya put in a low grade oil you can damage vital engine parts, okay? See this gasket?
[throws it down]
Tony: I have no confidence in that gasket.
Jerry Seinfeld: [trying to respond]
Tony: Here's what I wanna do. I want to overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under 60 miles an hour for a while. Ya gotta come in and ya gotta get the oil changed every 1000 miles.
Jerry Seinfeld: How much money is this gonna cost me?
Tony: [snort] I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. Ya know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
Jerry Seinfeld: The washer fluid is fine.
Tony: The washer fluid is not fine!
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, ya know what, um. I just wanna take my car and I'm gonna bring it some place else.
Tony: What do you mean?
Jerry Seinfeld: Just... can I have my car? I'm going to pay my bill, and I'm going to be on my way.
Tony: Well the car is on the lift.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well just get it down.
Tony: Alright. Okay, wait here, and I'll uh, I'll bring it around.
[walks away]
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, thanks very much.
Elaine Benes: [arriving] Hey, where's the car?
Jerry Seinfeld: He's bringing it.
Tony: [squeals away in Jerry's car, leaving Jerry and Elaine stranded]

"Seinfeld: The Glasses (#5.3)" (1993)
Elaine Benes: [about to be injected with a rabies shot] It's not going to hurt a lot, is it?
Doctor: Yes, very much.

"Seinfeld: The Letter (#3.21)" (1992)
Elaine Benes: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.
George Costanza: [amused] You're supposed to do that?
Elaine Benes: [shrugs] Yeah. What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision?
George Costanza: I'd rather go to a hanging.

"Seinfeld: The Yada Yada (#8.19)" (1997)
Elaine Benes: Anyway, guess what. Beth Lipner called me.
Jerry: Ooohh, Beth Lipner. I'm still waiting out that marriage.
Elaine Benes: What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried.
Jerry: I gotta get on that internet, I'm late on everything!

"Seinfeld: The Pen (#3.3)" (1991)
Elaine Benes: Stella!

"Seinfeld: The Cafe (#3.7)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: [Watching Babu's restaurant with binoculars] He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in.
Elaine Benes: Why do you keep watching?
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, you kind of root for him for a second.
Elaine Benes: And then you flush.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it's a spider.

"Seinfeld: The Tape (#3.8)" (1991)
Jerry Seinfeld: Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?
Elaine Benes: No.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know what that makes you? A baldist.

"Seinfeld: The Susie (#8.15)" (1997)
Elaine Benes: I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.

"Seinfeld: The Chaperone (#6.1)" (1994)
Landis: [interviewing Elaine for a job] Not many people have grace.
Elaine Benes: Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace. Not as much as Jackie O...
Landis: You can't have a little grace. You either have grace or you don't.
Elaine Benes: Okay, fine. I have no grace.
Landis: And you can't acquire grace.
Elaine Benes: Well, I have no intention of getting grace.
Landis: Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.
Elaine Benes: [annoyed] Alright, alright, look, I don't have grace, I don't want grace, I don't even say grace, okay?
Landis: Thank you for coming in.
Elaine Benes: Yeah yeah right.

"Seinfeld: The Seven (#7.13)" (1996)
Elaine: [Elaine's is in pain from her neck] Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.
Jerry: Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it.
Elaine: Ach, maybe.
Jerry: Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
Elaine: I don't know.
Jerry: Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
Elaine: [patience exhausted] You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?
Jerry: Awright.

"Seinfeld: The Subway (#3.13)" (1992)
Elaine Benes: I'm not a lesbian! I hate men but I'm not a lesbian!

"Seinfeld: The Cartoon (#9.13)" (1998)
Mr. Elinoff: Miss Benes, cartoons are like gossamer, and one doesn't dissect gossamer.
Elaine Benes: Well, you don't have to dissect it if you could just tell me why this is supposed to be funny.
Mr. Elinoff: Oh, it's merely a commentary on contemporary mores.
Elaine Benes: But what is the comment?
Mr. Elinoff: It's a slice of life.
Elaine Benes: No, it isn't.
Mr. Elinoff: A pun?
Elaine Benes: I don't think so.
Mr. Elinoff: Vorshtein?
Elaine Benes: That's not a word. You have no idea what this means.
Mr. Elinoff: No.
Elaine Benes: Then why did you print it?
Mr. Elinoff: I like the kitty.

"Seinfeld: The Doll (#7.16)" (1996)
Jerry Seinfeld: It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.
George Costanza: So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.
Jerry Seinfeld: [while opening his cereal box] I will - don't worry.
[Plotting his revenge]
Jerry Seinfeld: In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!
Elaine Benes: That's sounds pretty juvenile.
Jerry Seinfeld: [Pulling out his toy prize from the bottom of the cereal box -smiling] Hey! A dinosaur!

"Seinfeld: The Movie (#4.14)" (1993)
Elaine Benes: Can I have a medium diet coke?
Concessionaire: Do you want the medium size or the middle size?
Elaine Benes: What's the difference?
Concessionaire: Well, we have three sizes: medium, large, and jumbo.
Elaine Benes: What happened to the small?
Concessionaire: There is no small. Small's medium.
Elaine Benes: What's medium?
Concessionaire: Medium is large and large is jumbo.
Elaine Benes: Ok. Give me the large.
Concessionaire: That's medium.
Elaine Benes: Right! Can I have a small popcorn?
Concessionaire: There is no small. Child size is small!
Elaine Benes: What's medium?
Concessionaire: Adult.
Elaine Benes: Do adults ever order the child size?
Concessionaire: Not usually.
Elaine Benes: Ok. Give me the adult.
Concessionaire: Do you want butter?
Elaine Benes: Is it real butter?
Concessionaire: It's butter flavored!
Elaine Benes: But what is it made of?
Concessionaire: It's yellow!

"Seinfeld: The Calzone (#7.19)" (1996)
Elaine Benes: He bet me that Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.

"Seinfeld: The Deal (#2.9)" (1991)
Jerry: [Discussing The Deal with Elaine] Because this...
[gesturing between them]
Jerry: is very good.
Elaine: [Gesturing to the bedroom] And that would be good.
Jerry: That would be good too.
[repeating gestures]
Jerry: See the idea's to combine this and that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Elaine: Yeah, we just want to take this and... add that.
[Jerry makes a "There you have it" gesture]

"Seinfeld: The Maid (#9.19)" (1998)
Elaine Benes: [Taking about Jerry's relationship with his maid] Have you gone out?
Jerry Seinfeld: Yes! We have!
Elaine Benes: Where?
Jerry Seinfeld: To the store.
Elaine Benes: What, to get cleaning supplies?
Jerry Seinfeld: A-and gum!
Elaine Benes: Oh, that's nice. Nothing's more satisfying than diddlin' the maid and chewing some gum.

"Seinfeld: The Parking Space (#3.22)" (1992)
Jerry Seinfeld: What did you do to my car?
George Costanza: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
Elaine Benes: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.

"Seinfeld: The Understudy (#6.23)" (1995)
Elaine Benes: I'm telling you Jerry, I have a sneaking suspicion the women at the nail parlour were talking about me. I think they've been calling me a dog.
Jerry Seinfeld: How would you know? You don't speak Korean.
Elaine Benes: Because this woman came in with a dog and Ruby calls the dog the same word they were saying when they were pointing at me.
Cosmo Kramer: Ya know, maybe in Korea, dog isn't an insult. It could be like the word fox to us. 'Oh, she's a dog.'

"Seinfeld: Male Unbonding (#1.3)" (1990)
Elaine Benes: [while snacking away on M&Ms in Jerry's Apartment] Come on, let's go do something. I don't wanna just sit around here.
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay.
Elaine Benes: Wanna go get something to eat?
Jerry Seinfeld: Where do you wanna go?
Elaine Benes: I don't care, I'm not hungry.

"Seinfeld: The Airport (#4.12)" (1992)
Attendant #2: You're going to have to go back to your seat!
Elaine Benes: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*!
[She goes through the curtain to,ick, *coach*]
Elaine Benes: Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*!
Jerry Seinfeld: What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with.
Jerry Seinfeld: [to attendant] What is going on?
Attendant #2: Sir, this woman tried to sneak into first class.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security - there really should be a locking door. Electrified, with a moat if possible. They return to snuggling...

"Seinfeld: The Checks (#8.7)" (1996)
Elaine Benes: Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.
Jerry Seinfeld: What song?
Elaine Benes: Desparado.
Jerry Seinfeld: Desperado? I'll tell you who sounds desperado.

"Seinfeld: The Stranded (#3.10)" (1991)
Gwen: I have lost my fiance, the poor baby!
Elaine Benes: [Australian accent] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

"Seinfeld: The Fire (#5.19)" (1994)
Elaine Benes: What do we need the pinky toe for?
Jerry Seinfeld: Because, Elaine, that's the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home.
Elaine Benes: Why don't you just shut the fu... up?

"Seinfeld: The Cadillac (#7.14)" (1996)
George Costanza: Elaine, it's me, George
Elaine: George. How come you're whispering?
George Costanza: Never mind, never mind. I need you to do me a favour. Uhm, remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop earlier?
Elaine: No!
George Costanza: Think, a second. You know, your friend was talking about me and, you know...
Elaine: Ech, George, I have no idea what you're talking about.
George Costanza: The actress
Elaine: What?
George Costanza: [shouts] MARISA TOMEI!
Susan Biddle Ross: What?
George Costanza: Uh, ah, nothing, Nothing!

"Seinfeld: The Slicer (#9.7)" (1997)
Elaine: Wow, can I borrow that thing for a while?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh no, I don't think so.
Elaine: Why not?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, you're not checked at on it.
Elaine: What do I have to know?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, where the meat goes?
Elaine: Right there.
Cosmo Kramer: Where do you turn it on?
Elaine: Right there.
Cosmo Kramer: But where does the meat go?

"Seinfeld: The Wink (#7.4)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.
Elaine Benes: I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're going by sound? What are we, whales?
Elaine Benes: I think I can tell.
Jerry Seinfeld: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
Elaine Benes: 25 percent.
Jerry Seinfeld: 25 percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20 to 1 shot.
Elaine Benes: You're way off.
Jerry Seinfeld: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.
Elaine Benes: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?
Jerry Seinfeld: UNDATEABLE!

"Seinfeld: The Pool Guy (#7.8)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey Elaine.
Elaine Benes: Hey.
Jerry Seinfeld: Who, who, who do you think would win in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous George here.
Jerry Seinfeld: You mean in a real Fight Fight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Mona a Baldo.
Elaine Benes: George.
George Costanza: Ah-Ha!
Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
Jerry Seinfeld: George fights dirty.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really? What would you do?
George Costanza: Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do.
Jerry Seinfeld: Hmm.

"Seinfeld: The Engagement (#7.1)" (1995)
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor! Or the Kennedy assassination! It's like not even news. It's total shock!
Elaine Benes: Oh, come on, Jerry. Please, please, please, please, please!
Jerry Seinfeld: George Constanza...
Elaine Benes: Yeah?
Jerry Seinfeld: Is getting married!
Elaine Benes: Get out!
[Elaine pushes Jerry into the bathroom and he falls with a crash]

"Seinfeld: The Pledge Drive (#6.3)" (1994)
Elaine: Um, what does Nana sound like?
Jerry: Like a grandmother, why?
Elaine: Well...
Jerry: Oh, you hung up on my Nana?
Elaine: I don't know, maybe.
Jerry: You told Nana to drop dead?
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: Yes, it is!

"Seinfeld: The Fatigues (#8.6)" (1996)
Elaine: That's good work guys, that oughta do it for today.
Eddie Sherman: Wait! You didn't ask me about my ideas.
Elaine: Oh, Eddie, it's your first day...
Eddie Sherman: I'm ready.
Elaine: Oh. Okay.
Eddie Sherman: It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife: the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sunup. Sleep tight mates, in your quilted chambray night shirts.