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Quotes for
Judge Elihu Smails (Character)
from Caddyshack (1980)

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Caddyshack (1980)
Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

Judge Smails: It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.
[chuckles several times]
Judge Smails: Okay, Pookie. Do the honors.

Judge Smails: Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.
Smoke Porterhouse: Yes judge, right away judge.

Judge Smails: Spalding get your foot off the boat!

Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?

Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.

Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

Al Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: *Damn*.
Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

Judge Smails: Don't you people have homes?

Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction.
Al Czervik: [mocking] You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
Judge Smails: [laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!
Al Czervik: Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...
Dr. Beeper: [mortified] I beg your pardon!
Al Czervik: And I'll take Ty, here.
Ty Webb: Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.

Judge Smails: Don't you people have jobs?

Judge Smails: [to Bishop Fred Pickering] Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the colored boy who went to heaven?
Bishop: Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.

Judge Smails: Do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?
Groundskeeper Sandy: Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site.
Judge Smails: Czervik, huh. Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.

Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips
[gets cut off by Judge Smails]
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it!

Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Lacey Underall: [to Danny] Nice try.

Judge Smails: Do you stand for *goodness*, or - for *badness*?

Spalding Smails: Turds.
Judge Smails: Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?
Spalding Smails: Sorry grandpa I forgot.
Judge Smails: Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper: Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.
Lacey Underall: Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.
Judge Smails: Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.
Spalding Smails: Double turds.
Judge Smails: *Spaulding*!

Judge Smails: Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.
Spalding Smails: No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.
Judge Smails: You're playing golf and you're going to like it.
Spalding Smails: What about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.

Tony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.
Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
Bishop: There is no God...

Judge Smails: Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.
[pauses a beat]
Judge Smails: How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?

Judge Smails: Well? We're waiting!

Judge Smails: Yes. Yes. Winter rules.

Judge Smails: You - you will never be a member of Bushwood!
Al Czervik: A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it!

[Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches]
Al Czervik: Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?
[Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously]
Al Czervik: ...let's go while we're young!
Judge Smails: Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: ...I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration]
Al Czervik: Okay, you can owe me!
Judge Smails: [mad] I owe you nothing!

[Danny walks inside Judge Smails' office, where Smails is seated around, and has a seat, awaiting his disciplinary action for his involvement with Lacey]
Danny Noonan: Judge Smails, sir?
Judge Smails: [not realizing Danny's already seated] Sit down, Danny.
[turns around in his chair, slightly hitting his desk; Both Danny and Smails tries to see their faces]
Judge Smails: Danny, I think you know why you are here, so I'll... do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday...
[angrily shoves the lamp to the side, but calms down]
Judge Smails: Sorry. My niece is the kind of girl who has a certain... zest of living. The last thing any of us need right now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
Danny Noonan: I swear, I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
Judge Smails: [relief sigh] Good. Good, good.
[stands up]
Judge Smails: You know, despite what happened, I-I'm still convinced you have many fine qualities and I... I think you can still become a gentleman some day if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society.
[pats Danny on his shoulder]
Judge Smails: Danny, Danny, there's a lot of, uh, well, badness in the world today. I see it in court today. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't wanna do it, but felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what do you stand for, Danny? Goodness... or badness?
Danny Noonan: I know I make some bad mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I wanna be good.
Judge Smails: Good. Good, very good. You know, I... I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal, Mr. scholarship winner?
Danny Noonan: [shakes Smails' hand] Yes, sir. I'm your pal.
Judge Smails: [chuckles] How 'bout a Fresca?