Al Czervik
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Quotes for
Al Czervik (Character)
from Caddyshack (1980)

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Caddyshack (1980)
Al Czervik: Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

[last lines]
Al Czervik: Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
[looks at Judge Smails, who's wearing the same hat]
Al Czervik: Oh, it looks good on you though.

Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

Al Czervik: You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Al Czervik: [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?

Al Czervik: Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

Ty Webb: Guys, don't include me in this.
Al Czervik: Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty Webb: I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Al Czervik: What are you, religious or something?
Ty Webb: You might say that.

[Judge Smails is taking an inordinately long time to hit his drive on the first tee, while Al Czervik waits in the next foursome]
Al Czervik: While we're young.

Al Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: *Damn*.
Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

Al Czervik: [breaks wind at a dinner] Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?

Al Czervik: He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.

Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction.
Al Czervik: [mocking] You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
Judge Smails: [laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!
Al Czervik: Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...
Dr. Beeper: [mortified] I beg your pardon!
Al Czervik: And I'll take Ty, here.
Ty Webb: Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.

Al Czervik: [tees off] Fore!
[his ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch]
Al Czervik: I should have yelled, "Two!"

Al Czervik: [after an airplane passes just above his head] I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!

Al Czervik: [drops his bow anchor on Judge Smails' sailboat, sinking it] Hey, you scratched my anchor!

Al Czervik: No respect.

[after the gopher takes his ball]
Al Czervik: Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball.

Tony D'Annunzio: [carrying Czervik's golf bag] What do you got in here, rocks?
Al Czervik: Are you kiddin'? When I was your age, I would lug fifty pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!
Tony D'Annunzio: [puts down Czervik's bag, exasperated] So what?
Al Czervik: So what?
[opens compartment in golf bag, revealing radio]
Al Czervik: So let's dance!
[turns on Journey's "Any Way You Want It," high volume]

Al Czervik: Hey! Can you make a Bullshot?
Tony D'Annunzio: Can you make a shoe smell?
Al Czervik: Very funny. Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.

Al Czervik: Hey, Smails! My dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!

Al Czervik: That kangaroo stole my ball.

Judge Smails: You - you will never be a member of Bushwood!
Al Czervik: A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it!

[Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches]
Al Czervik: Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?
[Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously]
Al Czervik: ...let's go while we're young!
Judge Smails: Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: ...I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration]
Al Czervik: Okay, you can owe me!
Judge Smails: [mad] I owe you nothing!

[Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match]
Judge Smails: Can I have a word with you? ln private?
Ty Webb: Sure thing, Judge.
Judge Smails: Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
[Smails and Ty start to laugh]
Ty Webb: Let's make it $40,000.
Al Czervik: Hey, great!
Ty Webb: [to a glaring Smails] You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.

Al Czervik: Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate!