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: I want you to kill every gopher on the course! Carl Spackler
: Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key... Sandy
: Gophers, ya great git! Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents! Carl Spackler
: We can do that... we don't even have to have a reason.
: He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.
: IT'S IN THE HOLE.
: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!
: [preparing to dynamite the gopher tunnel
] In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.
: Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. A man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. Angie D'Annunzio
: A looper? Carl Spackler
: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
: Oh, Mrs. Crane, I'm looking at you... You wore green so you could hide. I don't blame you - you're a tramp! Ooh! That was right where you wanted it! Ooh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman you know that? You're a little monkey woman... You're lean and you're mean and you're not too far between either I bet, are ya? Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?
: I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.
: This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.
: This your place, Carl? Carl Spackler
: Yeah, whatta ya think? Ty Webb
: It's really... awful. Carl Spackler
: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.
: Bark like a dog.
: Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off. Carl Spackler
: I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.
: I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.
: Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.
: Your place got a pool? Ty Webb
: We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond... Pond'd be good for you.
: I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.
: Freeze Gopher!
: Better come in till this blows over. Bishop
: What do you think, fella? Carl Spackler
: I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite awhile. Bishop
: You're right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
: [singing, while trying to kill the gopher
] Great big globs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts!