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: Whenever I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they may seem invincible, but in the end, they always fail. Think of it: always.
: Bapuji, the whole country is moving. Gandhi
: Yes. but in what direction?
: An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
: I'm going to Hell! I killed a child! I smashed his head against a wall. Gandhi
: Why? Nahari
: Because they killed my son! The Muslims killed my son!
[indicates boy's height
: I know a way out of Hell. Find a child, a child whose mother and father have been killed and raise him as your own.
[indicates same height
: Only be sure that he is a Muslim and that you raise him as one.
: They may torture my body, break my bones, even kill me, then they will have my dead body. NOT MY OBEDIENCE!
: We think it is time that you recognized that you are masters in someone else's home. Despite the best intentions of the best of you, you must, in the nature of things, humiliate us to control us. General Dyer is but an extreme example of the principle... it is time you left.
: With respect, Mr. Gandhi, without British administration, this country would be reduced to chaos. Gandhi
: Mr. Kinnoch, I beg you to accept that there is no people on Earth who would not prefer their own bad government to the good government of an alien power. Brigadier
: My dear sir! India *is* British. We're hardly an alien power!
: You're a temptress. Margaret Bourke-White
: Just an admirer! Gandhi
: Nothing is more dangerous, especially for an old man.
: I am a Muslim and a Hindu and a Christian and a Jew and so are all of you.
: The function of a civil resistance is to provoke response and we will continue to provoke until they respond or change the law. They are not in control; we are.
: You're an ambitious man, Mr. Gandhi. Gandhi
: I hope not.
: [in South Africa
] You mean you can appoint Mr. Baker as your attorney but you can't walk down the street with him? Kahn
: Well, I can, but I risk being kicked into the gutter by someone less holy than Mr. Baker.
: If you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.
: You don't think we're just going to walk out of India! Gandhi
: Yes. In the end, you will walk out. Because 100,000 Englishmen simply cannot control 350 million Indians, if those Indians refuse to cooperate.
: Bapu! Bapu! Bapu, please don't do it! Gandhi
: What do you want me not to do? Not to meet with Mr. Jinnah? I am a Muslim, and a Hindu, and a Christian, and a Jew, and so are all of you. When you wave those flags and shout, you send fear into the hearts of your brothers. That is not the India I want! Stop it! For God's sake stop it!
: I want to welcome you all. Every one of you. We have no secrets. Let us begin by being clear... about General Smuts' new law. All Indians must now be fingerprinted... like criminals. Men and women. No marriage other than a Christian marriage is considered valid. Under this act our wives and mothers are whores. And every man here is a bastard. Kahn
: He has become quite good at this. Gandhi
: And a policeman passing an Indian dwelling, I will not call them homes, may enter and demand the card of any Indian woman whose dwelling it is.
: Think of what you can do by living, that you cannot do by dying... What do you want? Gandhi
: That the fighting will stop. That you make me believe it will never start again.
: There are no goodbyes for us, Charlie. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.
: So you really are going to Pakistan then? You are a stubborn man. Gandhi
: I'm simply going to prove to Hindus here and Muslims there that the only devils in the world are those running around in our own hearts. And that is where all our battles ought to be fought. Margaret Bourke-White
: So what kind of warrior have you been in that warfare? Gandhi
: Not a very good one. That's why I have so much tolerance for the other scoundrels of the world.
: I, for one, have never advocated passive anything. We must never sumbit to such laws. And I think our resistance must be *active* and provocative!
: Where there's injustice, I always believed in fighting. The question is, do you fight to change things or to punish? For myself, I've found we're all such sinners, we should leave punishment to God. And if we really want to change things, there are better things than derailing trains or slashing someone with a sword.
: No Indian must be treated as the English treat us. We must remove untouchability from our hearts and from our lives.
: We must defy the British... Not with violence that will inflame their will but with a firmness that will open their eyes. English factories make the cloth that makes our poverty. All those who wish to make the English see bring me the cloth from Manchester and Leeds that you wear today and we will light a fire that will be seen in Delhi, and in London!
: I want to change their minds. Not kill them for weaknesses we all possess.
: I've traveled so far. And all I've done is come back... home. Vince Walker
: Now, wait a minute. You know what you're going to do, don't you? Gandhi
: It would have been very uncivil of me to let you make such a long trip for nothing!
: You intend to walk all the way? Vince Walker
: It's the only way I can get the story. Besides, my name *is* Walker.
: Mr. Gandhi, sir. I have been instructed to inquire the subject of your speech tonight. Gandhi
: The value of goat's milk in daily diet. But you can be sure that I will also speak against war.
: I have friends who keep telling me how much it costs them to keep me in poverty.
: Poverty is the worst form of violence.
: [to a group of South African bigots
] You'll find there's room for all of us here.
: [stopping Gandhi on the train in South Africa
] What are you doing in here, coolie? Gandhi
: I reserved this car. I have a ticket. Conductor
: How did you get hold of it? Gandhi
: I sent for it by post. I am an attorney. European Passenger
: An attorney! There are no colored attorneys in South Africa - move your black ass into third class where it belongs! Porter
: I'll take your luggage, sir... Gandhi
: No, wait.
[he takes out his card and shows it
: You see? 'Mohandas K. Gandhi, Attorney at Law.' I am on my way to Pretoria to conduct a case... European Passenger
: Didn't you hear me? There are no colored attorneys in South Africa! Gandhi
: Sir, I was called to the bar in London, and enrolled in the High Court of Chancery. I am therefore an attorney. And since I am, in your eyes, 'colored,' I think we can deduce that there is at least one colored attorney in South Africa.
: Sora was sent to tell me I must rake and cover the latrine. Gandhi
: Everyone takes his turn. Kasturba Gandhi
: It is the work of untouchables! Gandhi
: In this place, no work is beneath us. Kasturba Gandhi
: I am your wife! Gandhi
] All the more reason.
: Do you really believe you could use non-violence against someone like Hitler? Gandhi
] Not without defeats, and great pain. But are there no defeats in war? No pain? What you cannot do is accept injustice. From Hitler, or anyone. You must make the injustice visible, and be prepared to die like a soldier to do so.
: Am I on speaker-phone? Gandhi
: Hey, everyone, would Gandhi put someone on speaker-phone? Partygoers
: No! Van Gogh
: Gandhi, how could you? Gandhi
: Hey, Gandhi's anti-violence, not anti-comedy.
: [Joan wants Gandhi to cover the Teen Crisis Hotline that night
] Sure I buckled under the pressure of living up to the original Gandhi and became a non-stop party machine, but damnit, I still care. So, Joan, you can count on me. Gandhi
: [later, on the phone at a huge party
] Oh, no, not a party, we're just really busy here at the teen hotline. Whooooo! Suzie, Kelly, do me a favor and make out, aha ha ha ha. Gandhi
: [returns to the phone
: So, you're depressed...
: How am I gonna get the beers? Gandhi
: I've got an idea. Tell him he heard you wrong - tell him what you actually said was "I'll get the *beards*... Abe Lincoln
: That doesn't make sense. Gandhi
: But if you think about it, it would still be a pretty sweet party. Partygoer
: [in Gandhi's thought bubble, wearing a beard
] Whoo! Great party!
: [on the phone for the Teen Crisis Hotline
] Look, I'll talk to you when you stop crying.
: [to JFK
] Party at your place on Friday, right? Rockin! Abe
: Yeah, psyched for the rager, JFK... dog! JFK
: I will see you there, and by will, I mean won't! Hahaha! JFK
: [walks out, comes back in
] 'Cause you're not invited. I, uh, wasn't sure if I was clear earlier. So, uh, you're not. Invited, that is. JFK
: [walks out, comes back in
] To my party! JFK
: [walks out, comes back in
] Forgot to wash my hands!
: Well, Abe just think that you're the biggest loser in the school. Joan of Arc
: [Everyone laughs at a mural of Gandhi that Van Goh has painted on the wall of the school depicting him in his birthday suit with a tree branch covering his erogenous zone
] Thanks Van Goh. Gandhi
: I hate this school.
: I don't wanna live in a world where buds dis their homeboys. You're a high-school principal, you don't know what it's like to be lonely! Scudworth
: On the contrary, Gandhi. Some principals do feel loneliness. We're not the invincible gods that teen magazines would have you believe. Gandhi
: Then I guess there's no hope for guys like us... Scudworth
: There's always hope, Gandhi. When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make super-lemons. So go down to that Awareness Fair, stand up for what's right, and bring me back a funnel cake!
: Rhythm is everywhere!
Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
: See mister Uppili, your son in law is also a mahatma! Saketh Ram
: No, I am not! Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
: Most mahatmas don't admit they are one. Do you think I am a mahatma? Saketh Ram
: You will deny it if I say you are, So I shall deny you another denial sir.
Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
: I am willing to take all this communal hatred in the form a bullet, If I am promised that along with that they will also bury this communal hatred and live together as one community.
] Welcome to the Grassy Knoll. Try our new smoothie with pomagranate juice. JFK
: Can I try that with melons? And Coconuts? Gandhi
: Can I have some yams? JFK
: Hey get your own jokes. The booby bit is MINE! JFK
: Can I have some "cans" of milk. Gandhi
: Yeah and some "jugs" of cream. JFK
: Alright you just brought yourself a knuckle massage!
[Crowd begins to chant fight
: A fight? Guys? GUYS? My conflict mediation seminar taught us how to reslove conflict. JFK
: [JFK punches Gandhi in the chin
] I've got your "berries" right here and by berries I mean my foot in your berries.
: Pun thief. Joan of Arc
: I never thought hell could be this pink. Cleopatra
: [opens up a drawer in her jewelry box
] You can put your stuff in here. If we're going to share a room I need you to sign this.
[produces a form
: It's a non-disclosure agreement. It phrohibits you from discussing such things as my pre-morning make-up face and my mid-moring bowel movement.
: Hey, turn that frown upside down, Abe. At least it can't get any worse. Abe Lincoln
: How many times have i told you not to say that? Now something worse is gonna happen. I've seen it on Happy Days. Watch, in 3, 2, 1. Cleopatra
: Abe, I'm really confused about my feelings right now. I think I just need some time to be alone... with JFK.
: Wait! At least it can't get any *better*! Abe Lincoln
: It doesn't work that way Gandhi.
[a butterfly holding money flies in front of Gandhi
: They dress you in special clothing... in silk. Kidda
: Silk? Gandhi
: A cloth so fine it's like wind on your cheek.
George Washington Carver
: [on a fake boat set, trying to make a film with Gandhi
] Say what? Gandhi
: Cut. No! No, no, man, you're making me fall asleep... tah death, bro! 'K, the line is "Say whaaaaat?"
[long and high-pitched
] George Washington Carver
: Say what? Gandhi
] "Say whaaaaat?" George Washington Carver
] Say what? Gandhi
: [with tone
] "Say..." George Washington Carver
: [repeating in normal tone
] "Say"... Gandhi
] "Whaaaaaaaaa"! George Washington Carver
: What? Gandhi
] Say whaaaat! George Washington Carver
] I! 'ey! This character is not me! Gandhi
: [still in his acting mood
] Say whaaaa...? George Washington Carver
: Stop it! Listen...!
: I'm going to shove a cow down your throat and make you shit beefburgers!
: Men and women should refrain from enjoying each other. By that I mean to say, even their mutual glances must be free of all suggestion of carnality. Lord Byron
: Free of passion? One might as well be free of humanity.
: Mom, Dad: I'm at a turning point in life. And today, I've made a life changing decision based on very poor information. I'm going to be... a trucker. Ghandi's Foster Mom
: I'm going... to hang myself. Ghandi's Foster Dad
: I have no son! Ghandi's Foster Mom
: I'm getting out the good noose!
: I think I might be in love with Joan! Do you think there's a chance she returns my feelings? Joan of Arc
: [montage of various scenes of Joan *almost* telling Abe she loves him
] Abe Lincoln
: What? Gandhi
: [slaps Abe
] Abe Lincoln
: I see.
: Go... Go... and God be with you...
: Next week on U62, He's back, And this time, He's mad, Gandhi II. No more mister passive resistance. He's out to kick some butt. This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with. Gandhi
: Don't move, slimeball. Movie Announcer
: He's a one man wrecking crew. But he also knows how to party. Gandhi
: Give me a steak, medium rare Gangster
: Hey, baldy! Movie Announcer
: There is only one law: his law. Gandhi II.
: I always say "Have enough servants to satisfy your every whim but not enough to murder your family." Peepers
: Excellent point, Madam... Wife... Madam Wife. Leon Trotsky
: Families should only be murdered during revolution. Mark Twain
: Gandhi boy, a rebuttal? Mohandas Gandhi
: Well, no offense, but you sound like you belong to the bitch caste. Leon Trotsky
: I was raped in a gulag by Cossacks. Do you think your insults mean anything to me? Mohandas Gandhi
: I don't know what a gulag is but I will send you right back there! Leon Trotsky
: Come here!
: Mister Gandhi! Mister Gandhi, Mister Trotsky, please! Spirited debate is one thing! Violence is quite another! Mohandas Gandhi
: Nonviolence... I'd never thought of that... because I'm not a little bitch!
: Our favorite little haunt Sanjay's has shut down. I had such fond memories of my imaginings that we ate there together and I fed you sweet mater paneer with my fingers and it melted in your mouth. And you suckled my fingers, as I suckled yours. We were like human pacifiers!
: G Spot rocks the G spot. G Spot rocks the G Spot. JFK
: Wow... that rhymed... say hello to the next Bubba Sparxxx!