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: I just thought... Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams
: Don't think! That's when you get dangerous.
: That's just proof right there that us Haggens knows a heap more about some things than folks gives us credit for. Festus Haggen
: Well, I could cure him, if he'd listen to me.
: [thinking he has been bit by a rabid dog and has hydrophobia
] How much time do I have left? Dr. Henry S. Rand
: Well, ten days, two weeks at the outside. Festus
: That hydrophobia, it's a pretty sorry way to die ain't it doc? You know, a fellow gets shot why he'll just fall flat on his face, o he might kick a couple of times, that what makes the crowds turn out. But what I mean is he won't go just snatching off his clothes and sashaying around trying to bite folks.
: When it comes to dying, I reckon everybody feels about the same way. Dr. Henry S. Rand
: What would that be? Festus
: They'd just rather do it tomorrow.
: [Talking about a smelly mountain man
] Matthew, that Pack Landers is the type of feller you gotta walk upwind of even if there ain't no breeze a blowin'.
: [Talking about a mean, smelly mountain man
] Matthew, that Pack Landers is the sort of feller you've got to walk upwind of even if there ain't no breeze a blowin'.
: [changing clothes and hears a knock at the door
] What do you want? Abelia
: [opens door and enters room
] I forgot my night gown. Festus
: [jumps in bed and pulls cover up
] Well, you could have at least gave me a chance to get decent! Abelia
: Oh hush. I've seen a man standing in his Long Johns before. Festus
: I don't give a hoot if you saw a naked Jay-bird. A she-male ain't got no business a busting into a room that's done occupied by the fellow of the opposite sex. Abelia
: I knocked!
: Mr. Cumberledge, you don't know us Haggens, or ya wouldn't say such a thing. Like Great-Unke Herkle said, "Catch a Haggen in a lie, 'n' a thunderbolt'll hit him from th' clear, blue sky. Luke Cumberledge
: What happened to Great-Uncle Herkle? Festus Haggen
: Well, they's some say that this thunderbolt came up real suddenlike one time....
: Shore would save a lotta fuss 'n bother if we shoot 'im now, Matthew.
: That's mine!
[slapping Festus' hand away from his mug of beer
: All right you stingy ol' scutter!
[the spokes on Doc's buggy are loose
] Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams
: How much is it going to cost me to have 'em fixed? Festus Haggen
: Shouldn't 'mount t'much; fifty cents'll do... Soakin' in the crik a few hours'll swell them spokes back tight as pin feathers on a prairie chicken's rump. Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams
: Soakin' in the crik? Festus Haggen
: Sure. Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams
: And while you're sitting there, letting the wheels soak, I suppose you'll do a little fishing? Festus Haggen
: Now that you mention it... Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams
: So I end up paying you fifty cents to fish. Festus Haggen
: Well, Doc, I'm gonna have t'dig me some worms, catch me some grasshoppers. That's tirin'. If it wasn't for them wheels needin' soakin', I wouldn't have to....
Black Jack Haggen
: I remember when you was six years old and I bought you that pair of boots up from Jaliscoe. Genuine leather they was - first pair of boots you ever owned. Why, you was so proud of them you wouldn't even take 'em off to go to bed at night. Festus Haggen
: Ahh, boots is just boots and that was a long time ago. Black Jack Haggen
: Gonna grow up to be just like old Uncle Jack, that's what you used to tell everybody. Festus Haggen
: I never was real smart when I was a kid!
: Will Mannon rode Ruth into town about five hours ago. Festus Haggen
: Will Mannon! Kitty Russell
: He's down at the Long Branch right now. Festus Haggen
: You want to talk about a fast gun hand? If you was to take a snake's tongue's grease it and tie it to a bolt of lightning you couldn't get nothing as fast as his gun hand!
: [looking at wanted poster
] What does it say our old friends did? Matt Dillon
: Robbery and murder. Festus
: There you go Matthew. It's men like him that give jails a bad name.
: Doc, can I go with you? I've ain't never swapped words with no midget before. Doc
: Well, couple of things you ought to know about midgets, first though. Festus
: What's that? Doc
: Don't pick him up. Festus
: Oh, I wasn't fixin to pick him up Doc. Doc
: I just didn't want you to do anything stupid, that's all.
: Are you kin to Alfie Hominy Haggen? Festus
: [trying to show how close they were
] Kin? Why were second cousins on my Aunt Floter's side. Me and Alfie's always been as close... Argonaut
: If I ever set eyes on him again I'm going to put a bullet square through his sidewinding head. Festus
: Wait a minute, I ain't done yet. What I'd fixen to say is me and Alfie ain't never been close. Why they's something about him I'd just never could stand. Argonaut
: [asking Doc
] Are you a Haggen? Doc
: Don't get insulting with me
Rev. John Porter
: [Festus and Thad doing some labor for the church
] We'll have to think up some payment in return for all the labor. Maybe reserve the first pew in your names each Sunday. Make sure you have front row seats. Festus
: [after Rev. leaves
] How'd he expect anybody to get any sleep sitting in the front pew?
: [after getting bit in the arm by Sancho
] Golly Bill, I just hope that he don't chop down on them like he done on me. Matt Dillon
: Still hurt you? Festus Haggen
: Oh you just don't know, Matthew. Matt Dillon
: You think a beer might help it? Festus Haggen
: Well, a beer could help. Two just might cure it.
: [gets his hands free from the ropes the mob tied them with
] I've got my hands loose. Bucko
: Good you can wave good-bye to them.
: Hey, where are you fellows heading out to? Festus
: Were fixin to go out and shoot us a mess of prairie chickens for supper. Sam
: Yum, I haven't had a good prairie chicken dinner in I don't know when. Festus
: You ain't? Well Sam I tell you what you do. You just set your mouth, get you bib on, stoke-up the fire cause were fixin to have us a prairie chicken supper.
: I'll tell you Matthew, women that's lookers has to be looked at. That means there is someone around. Of course you ain't up on your women like I am.