Festus Haggen
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Quotes for
Festus Haggen (Character)
from "Gunsmoke" (1955)

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"Gunsmoke: Mad Dog (#12.17)" (1967)
Festus: [thinking he has been bit by a rabid dog and has hydrophobia] How much time do I have left?
Dr. Henry S. Rand: Well, ten days, two weeks at the outside.
Festus: That hydrophobia, it's a pretty sorry way to die ain't it doc? You know, a fellow gets shot why he'll just fall flat on his face, o he might kick a couple of times, that what makes the crowds turn out. But what I mean is he won't go just snatching off his clothes and sashaying around trying to bite folks.

Festus: When it comes to dying, I reckon everybody feels about the same way.
Dr. Henry S. Rand: What would that be?
Festus: They'd just rather do it tomorrow.

"Gunsmoke: The Sisters (#15.14)" (1969)
Festus Haggen: [Talking about a smelly mountain man] Matthew, that Pack Landers is the type of feller you gotta walk upwind of even if there ain't no breeze a blowin'.

Festus Haggen: [Talking about a mean, smelly mountain man] Matthew, that Pack Landers is the sort of feller you've got to walk upwind of even if there ain't no breeze a blowin'.

"Gunsmoke: Dead Man's Law (#13.17)" (1968)
Festus Haggen: I just thought...
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: Don't think! That's when you get dangerous.

Festus Haggen: That's just proof right there that us Haggens knows a heap more about some things than folks gives us credit for.
Festus Haggen: Well, I could cure him, if he'd listen to me.

"Gunsmoke: Abelia (#14.8)" (1968)
Festus: [changing clothes and hears a knock at the door] What do you want?
Abelia: [opens door and enters room] I forgot my night gown.
Festus: [jumps in bed and pulls cover up] Well, you could have at least gave me a chance to get decent!
Abelia: Oh hush. I've seen a man standing in his Long Johns before.
Festus: I don't give a hoot if you saw a naked Jay-bird. A she-male ain't got no business a busting into a room that's done occupied by the fellow of the opposite sex.
Abelia: I knocked!

"Gunsmoke: My Father, My Son (#11.30)" (1966)
Sam: Hey, where are you fellows heading out to?
Festus: Were fixin to go out and shoot us a mess of prairie chickens for supper.
Sam: Yum, I haven't had a good prairie chicken dinner in I don't know when.
Festus: You ain't? Well Sam I tell you what you do. You just set your mouth, get you bib on, stoke-up the fire cause were fixin to have us a prairie chicken supper.

"Gunsmoke: Which Dr. (#11.26)" (1966)
Argonaut: Are you kin to Alfie Hominy Haggen?
Festus: [trying to show how close they were] Kin? Why were second cousins on my Aunt Floter's side. Me and Alfie's always been as close...
Argonaut: If I ever set eyes on him again I'm going to put a bullet square through his sidewinding head.
Festus: Wait a minute, I ain't done yet. What I'd fixen to say is me and Alfie ain't never been close. Why they's something about him I'd just never could stand.
Argonaut: [asking Doc] Are you a Haggen?
Doc: Don't get insulting with me

"Gunsmoke: Sanctuary (#11.23)" (1966)
Rev. John Porter: [Festus and Thad doing some labor for the church] We'll have to think up some payment in return for all the labor. Maybe reserve the first pew in your names each Sunday. Make sure you have front row seats.
Festus: [after Rev. leaves] How'd he expect anybody to get any sleep sitting in the front pew?

"Gunsmoke: Big Man, Big Target (#10.10)" (1964)
Festus: [looking at wanted poster] What does it say our old friends did?
Matt Dillon: Robbery and murder.
Festus: There you go Matthew. It's men like him that give jails a bad name.

"Gunsmoke: Cattle Barons (#13.2)" (1967)
Festus Haggen: Mr. Cumberledge, you don't know us Haggens, or ya wouldn't say such a thing. Like Great-Unke Herkle said, "Catch a Haggen in a lie, 'n' a thunderbolt'll hit him from th' clear, blue sky.
Luke Cumberledge: What happened to Great-Uncle Herkle?
Festus Haggen: Well, they's some say that this thunderbolt came up real suddenlike one time....

"Gunsmoke: The Hanging (#12.15)" (1966)
Festus: Shore would save a lotta fuss 'n bother if we shoot 'im now, Matthew.

"Gunsmoke: Saturday Night (#12.16)" (1967)
Doc: That's mine!
[slapping Festus' hand away from his mug of beer]
Festus: All right you stingy ol' scutter!

"Gunsmoke: The Prodigal (#13.3)" (1967)
[the spokes on Doc's buggy are loose]
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: How much is it going to cost me to have 'em fixed?
Festus Haggen: Shouldn't 'mount t'much; fifty cents'll do... Soakin' in the crik a few hours'll swell them spokes back tight as pin feathers on a prairie chicken's rump.
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: Soakin' in the crik?
Festus Haggen: Sure.
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: And while you're sitting there, letting the wheels soak, I suppose you'll do a little fishing?
Festus Haggen: Now that you mention it...
Dr. Galen 'Doc' Adams: So I end up paying you fifty cents to fish.
Festus Haggen: Well, Doc, I'm gonna have t'dig me some worms, catch me some grasshoppers. That's tirin'. If it wasn't for them wheels needin' soakin', I wouldn't have to....

"Gunsmoke: The Pack Rat (#15.16)" (1970)
Festus Haggen: [after getting bit in the arm by Sancho] Golly Bill, I just hope that he don't chop down on them like he done on me.
Matt Dillon: Still hurt you?
Festus Haggen: Oh you just don't know, Matthew.
Matt Dillon: You think a beer might help it?
Festus Haggen: Well, a beer could help. Two just might cure it.

"Gunsmoke: Arizona Midnight (#18.15)" (1973)
Festus: Doc, can I go with you? I've ain't never swapped words with no midget before.
Doc: Well, couple of things you ought to know about midgets, first though.
Festus: What's that?
Doc: Don't pick him up.
Festus: Oh, I wasn't fixin to pick him up Doc.
Doc: I just didn't want you to do anything stupid, that's all.

"Gunsmoke: Scot Free (#9.32)" (1964)
Festus: I'll tell you Matthew, women that's lookers has to be looked at. That means there is someone around. Of course you ain't up on your women like I am.

"Gunsmoke: The Foundling (#19.18)" (1974)
Festus: [Festus making goo-goo sounds to baby only to turn around and see Doc] Why don't you let a fellow know your around, you come slipping up like a blane old coyote through a fog.
Doc: What are you doing to that baby?
Festus: Well, I'm making her laugh.
Doc: Making her laugh? With an ugly face full of whiskers like that? You'll scare her to death.

"Gunsmoke: Us Haggens (#8.13)" (1962)
Black Jack Haggen: I remember when you was six years old and I bought you that pair of boots up from Jaliscoe. Genuine leather they was - first pair of boots you ever owned. Why, you was so proud of them you wouldn't even take 'em off to go to bed at night.
Festus Haggen: Ahh, boots is just boots and that was a long time ago.
Black Jack Haggen: Gonna grow up to be just like old Uncle Jack, that's what you used to tell everybody.
Festus Haggen: I never was real smart when I was a kid!

"Gunsmoke: Once a Haggen (#9.18)" (1964)
Festus: [gets his hands free from the ropes the mob tied them with] I've got my hands loose.
Bucko: Good you can wave good-bye to them.

"Gunsmoke: Two Tall Men (#10.33)" (1965)
Breck Taylor: [suspects cornered and they are going to try to talk them out] Yeager, Moore - Come on out!
Billy Yeager: And get lynched?
Breck Taylor: You won't be lynched. You'll get a fair trial.
Festus: Then were gonna hang you.

"Gunsmoke: Mannon (#14.17)" (1969)
Kitty Russell: Will Mannon rode Ruth into town about five hours ago.
Festus Haggen: Will Mannon!
Kitty Russell: He's down at the Long Branch right now.
Festus Haggen: You want to talk about a fast gun hand? If you was to take a snake's tongue's grease it and tie it to a bolt of lightning you couldn't get nothing as fast as his gun hand!