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: Did I play my role well, in the comdey of life? Julia
: The gods will tell you father. Augustus
: Applause, please.
: Julia, did you know?
: Cleopatra and Antony met Agrippa and I for battle at the coast of Actium. They had only one thought in mind - to kill us.
: I came as soon as I heard. The assassin was not from Rome so we can't trace his employer. Augustus
: Marcus Agrippa is dead. Livia
: Yes, there is a dangerous under carriage in the young noblity. Augustus
: Did you hear what I said, Livia? He was my dear friend, my daughter's husband, the father of my grandchildren and he is dead! Livia
: Yes and your enemies are waiting for the right moment to kill you. This is the moment. Agrippa, your heir apparent, is dead and you too nearly died today... Where does that leave the empire tomorrow? Augustus
: At the stumbling feet of your son, I suppose, exactly where you WANT IT?
: I lost the man I loved the most today. Livia
: Not just the man, Augustus. You loved him more then any woman too. Augustus
: No. I did love you, Livia. Livia
: Yes? But then? Augustus
: Then? Well, then you made life so complicated.
: Leave me. I want to be alone. Livia
: You *are* alone.
: I spared his life! Julia
: But not mine.
: You must marry Tiberius. Julia
: I can't stand him. Livia
: I'm not asking you to love him. Julia
: Good, cause I won't! Augustus
: Shut up, the pair of you! If a fight is what you want give me three days notice to place the bets.
: Octavia? Octavia! I sent the carriage... Octavia
: Yes, you did. Augustus
: But you're walking. Octavia
: Yes, I am. Augustus
: Why? Octavia
: I decided to walk on foot, so all of Rome can see the woman who was betrayed by her child brother.
: You don't believe the rumours, do you? Augustus
: No, Livia. Even you aren't *that* cruel.
: I am the master of nothing. Why didn't I listen to Julia? Why didn't you say it too, Livia - that I couldn't master the future; think how happy could have been.
: My grandsons! Gaius and Lucius! Beautiful, aren't they? Devil see them, the pair of them- they take after their mother!
[Julia enters through the crowds
: They do not! They take after their father and their grandfather. Come along boys, your grandfather is far too busy being "king" to play with his grandsons. Augustus
: Julia, I'm not a king- there are no "kings" in Rome.
: Have I ever been anything more to you then a instrument to fulfill your destiny. Augustus
: I have never loved anyone in my life as much as I love you. Julia
: Then why are you taking my life away from me? Augustus
: Julia, I want you to be happy, but you have to remember that you aren't just my daughter; you are the daughter of the Empire. As Rome's princess, your body and soul belongs to state, and the state is the body of world - if Rome falls, civilization falls!
: You're not finished dressing... Julia
: Actually I am, it's the current style. Would you have me weave my dresses as I did when I was a little girl? Augustus
: Perhaps, with a little more wool.
: Whose destiny is Octavia's marriage to insure? Augustus
: Rome's Atia
: Rome, I don't know him. Does he have a sister too?
: Tiberius is your son, not mine. Julia is my daughter, not yours.
: You've not changed from your wedding dress? Julia
: I thought that maybe, if I slept in it, when I next awoke it would be gone like a bad dream.
[Describing the massacre of the nobles
: [to Julia
] It was the price I had to pay. That night men awoke to find their death sentences posted in the Forum. And Agrippa, poor Agrippa was forced to slaughter all of my enemies. It was the price I had to pay for the security of Rome. That night my life was taken from me; it was my destiny, the risk I had to take and I took it. All of this will happen again unless someone who is worthy of the name Caesar... succeeds me But *we* won't let that happen. Tonight, Julia, you and I will give birth to a new Rome, we will assure that it is your sons who rule Rome when I have died, *not* Livia's son. You gave life to your sons once, Julia, now give it to them again! For them and for the good of Rome!
: Iullus Antonius blames me for his father's death, he thinks I destroyed the republic, he thinks I'm a tyrant! Julia
: You *are* a tyrant!
[Julia comes in and goes to her father's side. He holds his hand out to her
: The empire took both our lives, daughter. You were right all along. Forgive me.
: Agrippa is dead. Death is no longer an "idea" to me, Julia. It is a man, standing in a hall, outside in the streets, in the fields... waiting. He has a face, and he's asking me questions.
: Livia, when did you stop loving me? Livia
: My love hasn't... Died, exactly. It's just evolved. Augustus
: Into what? Livia
[On sending Tiberius away
: I've sent him away, Julia. You don't have to worry about him anymore. Julia
: Am I supposed to thank you, father? Augustus
: No, I'll be content if you don't hate me.
: You used my mother Scribonia too, you had a baby from her and then you threw her away to marry Livia. Augustus
: I loved your mother. Julia
: No, you loved her money! Augustus
: No, I love her because she gave me you.
[to Gaius and Lucius as Julia takes them away
: Off you go with your mother boys...
: Oh! And boys... Agrippa will be home tomorrow. So let us plan are tactics so that then together, your father, you and I can make war on your mother's camp!
[Julia turns and laughs playfully
: And I will defeat you all - I'm a better sword fighter then any of you. Augustus
: Alas! It is true, one should have never taught that woman how to use a sword.
: [to Agrippa
] The Egyptian relgion declares that to die of a snake bite will secure immortality. Did you know that, Agrippa? Maecenas
: Never mind that! History... History will never forget this moment. At last, every legion in Rome listens to the command of a single man. The peace of Rome is assured, to the one, absolute ruler of the Roman Empire. Agrippa
: [In disgust
] So, that was you plan all along, Octavius? To wear a crown on your head! Maecenas
: In order to keep the nobles from tearing Rome apart he must be king. He will be declared..."Augustus"!
: I'd spare your life if I could, Antony. Mark Antony
: I wasn't begging for your mercy!
[short pause and smile
] Mark Antony
: I have lived well. I have no hatred or envy for Caesar's son. I wonder if your father had foresaw this end. Octavius
: No... and neither did I.
[to Agrippa, upon reaching Rome
: Tomorrow, we go to Munda. Tonight, I am going to show you the greatest city in the world.
: I'll not deliver you to Caesar dead! Octavius
: Bad for your career?
: I shall not greet Caesar from behind a donkey's arse. Agrippa
: You are a donkey's arse!
: Whose glory is Octavia's marriage? Octavius
: For Rome. Atia
: Rome, who is he? I don't know him. Does he have a sister too?
: Did you see her? Agrippa
: She's watching me. Agrippa
: Who? Octavius
: The woman I'll marry. Agrippa
: Where? Octavius
: Somewhere. Agrippa
: Quick! Open your wounds so that your hero's blood is easier to see!
[On Caesar's murder
] Mark Antony
: Ten of them came at us with daggers, I don't know why I'm alive. Octavius
: They must have not wished you dead.
: Livia, you look well. How is Tiberius, that son of yours? Young Livia
: And what is it that lies in *your* wife's belly? Do soothsayers predict a boy or a girl?
: We are three kings. Octavius, the leader. Agrippa, the soldier, and Maecenas, the... Agrippa
: Mouth? Maecenas
: - Maecenas, the politician.
[Indicates a rise to Octavius and Agrippa
: A rise. Let us all promise now: that we will let nothing never destroy this friendship! Maecenas
[about Agrippa's aqueducts
: This spring will quench the thirst of 50,000 or more Romans everyday and water the fields streching for miles around Rome.
[Hands cups of water to Octavius. Maecenas refuses his cup
: No, thanks. I prefer to have something a little more lively. Octavius
] To furture harvests. Agrippa
: Now no one can bribe Rome again by cutting off it's food supply. Maecenas
: It's all very lovely, Agrippa. At least we'll be able to get some lovely fountains out of it.
[Upon Agrippa's entry
: The great soldier of the future, Marcus Agrippa has arrived...
[Notices Octavia swooning
: ...and he's already slain the heart of my sister!
[On the list of enemies to be murdered
] Mark Antony
: Write your enemies names on this list. Octavius
: I have no names. Mark Antony
: You have no balls!
[after giving a speech to the plebs of Rome
: Brilliant speech! Octavius
: You wrote it. Maecenas
: Of course!
: Caesar and I, as you know had our differences... But surely you must know, I didn't kill him. Octavius
: How could *think* such a thing?
: I told you, I don't like to be manhandled! Larry
: No, I will manhandle you, Jedediah! Now listen, guys, what is your problem, huh? Why can't you just get along? Jedediah
: Look, we're men. We fight, okay? That's what we do! Octavius
: It's kinda how we pass the time.
: No problemo, Gigantor. Larry
: Um, my name's Larry, first of all okay, Jed? See, I call you Jed, I don't call you tiny, right? Jedediah
: What's that supposed to mean? Larry
: Hey teeny, how does that sound? Jedediah
: I... I don't like it. It hurts my feelings. Larry
: Okay, well Gigantor makes me feel like some sort of freak. Octavius
: I don't. I just call you Larry. Larry
: Don't be a kiss-ass.
[Jed and Octavius are popping Cecil's tires, and they are about to be blown away
: Save yourself! Jedediah
: [holding on to Octavius
] I ain't quittin' you!
: We expand or die!
: Listen, Octavus, you gotta stop that! Octavius
: It's "Octavius", Mary.
: Wait, no. I ain't working with Toga Boy. Octavius
: Romans work alone.
[Jedediah hits him on his foot with his rifle
: Ow! Jedediah
: That didn't hurt, don't be a baby. Octavius
: [while hopping on one foot
] Yes it did! Jedediah
: No it didn't! Come on! Octavius
: [hits Jedediah's behind with his sword
: Ow! That was much harder!
: I'm not a giant, guys, alright? You guys are really little. Octavius
: We may be small but our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.
: Doctor, we can't stay here, we're too exposed. The Doctor
: We're too exposed everywhere, and Amy can't move, and anyway, that's not the plan. River Song
: There's a plan? The Doctor
: Don't know yet, I haven't finished talking.
: [about The Doctor
] You trust this man? River Song
: I absolutely trust him. Octavian
: He's not some kind of madman, then? River Song
] I absolutely trust him.
: This whole place is a death-trap! The Doctor
: No, it's a time-bomb. Well, it's a death-trap and a time-bomb. And now it's a dead end. Nobody panic.
[Nobody shows the slightest sign of panic
] The Doctor
: Just me, then.
: You'll die. Octavian
: I will die in the knowledge that my courage did not desert me at the end. For that I thank God, and bless the path that takes you to safety. The Doctor
: I wish I'd known you better. Octavian
: I think, sir, you know me at my best. The Doctor
: Ready? Octavian
: [hears a loud screeching
] What is that? Dear God, what is it? Octavian
: They're back. Bob
: It's hard to put in your terms, Doctor Song, but as best as I understand it, the Angels are laughing. The Doctor
: Laughing? Bob
: Because you haven't noticed yet, sir. The Doctor in the TARDIS hasn't noticed.
: Our mission is to make this wreckage safe and neutralise the Angels. Until that is achieved... River Song
: Father Octavian, when the Doctor's in the room, your one and only mission is to keep him alive long enough to get everyone else home. And trust me, it's not easy. Now, if he's dead back there, I'll never forgive myself, and if he's alive, I'll never forgive him. And Doctor, you're standing right behind me, aren't you? The Doctor
: Oh, yeah. River Song
: I hate you. The Doctor
: You don't.
: Just tell me why she was in Stormcage. Octavian
: She killed a man. A good man, a hero to many. The Doctor
: Who? Octavian
: You don't want to know, sir. You really don't.
: Herod, what about a little bet? I'll take the fat one for twenty gold pieces. Herod
: Caesar, it would be against my religion to bet on the life of a man. Augustus
: Oh, really? I would have thought it against your religion to bet on anything. Herod
: Caesar, it's true: Jews love gambling. But we fear our god more. Augustus
: Which one? Herod
: We have only one, Caesar. Augustus
: I've never understood that, it's quite insufficient. Why don't you take some of our gods? You know, plenty of people do. Herod
: Believe me, Caesar, the one we have is hard enough to live with.
: What is going on here? Postumus
: [indicating Livia
] Ask *her*. She knows. Augustus
: I'm asking you. Livia
: He'll incriminate all of us before he's finished.
: Are you mad?
[to Postumus before banishing him
: I'll make you suffer. Just like your mother suffers.
[reporting the ambush of Varus's three legions in Germany
] Well, weren't you warned? Courier
] Many times, Caesar. Augustus
: Go on! Courier
: We, uh, we'd had a mass of intelligence that there was something going on in the villages... Augustus
] Go on. Courier
: The, uh... the commander ignored it, sir. Augustus
: Oh, that stiff-necked fool! I should never have appointed him!
: Quinctilius Varus, where are my legions?
: Well, lookee here. If it ain't Mr. Big-in-the-Britches himself, come back in time to see us off? Larry Daley
: Yeah, Jed, I heard. Look, I don't even know how this happened.
[Larry's answers his cellphone
: Yeah. Yeah, real mystery how this happened. Maybe the answer's on that magic buzzin' box there in your hand! You weren't here, Gigantor! That's how it happened! Ain't no mystery! Octavius
: The fact is, Larry, there's no one else here to speak on our behalf during business hours. Easter Island Head
: None, none, dum, dum.
: [When Octavius is trying to get Jedediah out of the hourglass
] I wanna get to the story of our relationship, the evolution from enemy to friends. Octavius
: No! Jedediah
: It'll make you cry. Octavius
: No! Because you are going to live!
[uses his helmet to smash the hourglass
: What's a flapjack? Jedediah
: It's like a biscuit... or a scone.
: [Approaches Kah Mun Rah, riding on a squirrel and looks up as Kah Mun Rah looks down, puzzled
] Do you wish to surrender honorably, or must this end with the spilling of your blood? Kah Mun Rah
: [Looks to Larry
] This? This is your big rescue? Octavius
: Oh no... this is!
[Abraham Lincoln breaks in through the wall, Kah Mun Rah and the others look up in shock
] Kah Mun Rah
: What... is that thing? Abraham Lincoln
: The name is Abraham Lincoln, and you sir, are in a heap of trouble!
: [to Larry
] I see that you're genuinely slightly bothered.
: No one can talk to you anymore. Augustus
: Anyone can talk to me at any time, except you. You don't talk to people. You bully them. Livia
: This conversation is becoming ridiculous. Augustus
: No, this conversation was ridiculous from the start.
[Augustus comes to see Postumus in exile after four years
: Well, well, well, what do we have here? *Tourists*? Come to see the animal in his cage? Is the island bare enough for you, father? Does it live up to your expectations of "smallness" or have you found another one *even smaller*? Augustus
] How thin you look... How pale... Postumus
: Well, what did you expect? A fat *JOLLY* man full of laughs and jokes?
: Heavens, wound me if you must. I deserve it. You have knife in your hand; I wouldn't blame you if you used it.
[Augustus starts to weep
: Oh so it's tears now, is it? I've never known a man cry as easily as you do, father. Augustus
: Tears come easily to me I don't deny it. Postumus
: Well, this is wonderful. You're wonderful. Is it my role now to feel pity for you, to cry for you? Augustus
: I MADE A MISTAKE. Postumus
: A MISTAKE? "I made a mistake", he says, well you sure seem to make a lot of those, don't you father? Mistakes, is that what you call them? You made mistakes and you think a few tears will put them right... Well, BRAVO. Congratulations, you still have tears to shed. But how many do you think you'd have left if it had been you who sat on this rock day in, day out for four solid years, pouring them into the sea? HOW MANY-? Augustus
: OH POSTUMUS. Postumus
: My God, you've come to the wrong place, father, to show you've still tears; even the stones weep here.
: Now you've heard something? Given you pause for thought, made you think perhaps you were a bit too hasty. Is that why you're here? To tell me it was all a mistake? Well DAMN YOU, I don't want to hear it. Leave me alone. Go away and die but leave me alone.
: You wouldn't believe the liars there are. Livia it seems is the worse of them all. And it's taken me *this* long for me to realise it.
: I've had premonitions, premonitions of death. Fabius
: Oh, we all have them.
[Right before Octavian and others go riding out to meet Brutus/Cassius' legions
] Atia of the Julii
: Octavian please, for my sake, be good to Anthony. Gaius Octavian
] I am pledged to it, mother. Atia of the Julii
: He's an arrogant shit, I know, but he's a good and honest man
: [just after the battle
] Breathe deep boy, the smell of victory! Gaius Octavian
: Smoke, shit and rotting flesh. Mark Antony
: Beautiful, isn't it!
: [as the battle goes on
] What is happening? Can you tell? Mark Antony
: [munching a loaf of bread
] No idea.
[drops the loaf and draws his sword
] Mark Antony
: On my command... follow me! Gaius Octavian
: Where are you going? Mark Antony
: When in doubt... attack!
[On the field of Philippi, shortly before the battle begins
] Marcus Junius Brutus
: Heavens, I entirely forgot! Today's your birthday, isn't it? Cassius
: Is it? I believe you're right. Marcus Junius Brutus
: [shaking Cassius' hand
] Happy Birthday. Sorry there's no cake. Cassius
: Next year, eh? You bake me an extra big one. Marcus Junius Brutus
: I shan't forget. Cassius
: No cinnamon. Makes me sneeze.
[On the other side of the battlefield
] Mark Antony
: If you need to urinate, now would be the time. Gaius Octavian
: I'm fine, thank you. Mark Antony
: Sure? Let us begin then. Watch closely, boy. This is how history is made.
[raising his hand
] Mark Antony
: Now, let's have some fun!
[He gives the signal to advance
] Antony's Centurion
[On the other side:
: [raises his hand, then hesitates
] Sorry, rude of me. Would you like the honor? Marcus Junius Brutus
: No no, you do it by all means. Cassius
: Thank you.
[gives the signal to advance
] Cassius's Centurion
: And what do you know of real battle, Octavius? Octavius
: I've studied.
: What animal forest spirit shoots an arrow into a man's arm at 500 yards? Agrippa
: A good-shot spirit?
: I promise not to speak of politics if you don't speak of gardening.
: You... I know you, boy... Agrippa, that's your name, isn't it? Agrippa
: Yes, sir, of the second legion...
: Formerly of... My father will break my legs when he finds out I deserted.
: [to Mark Antony
] You and your 'Friends, Romans, Countrymen'...
: I'm glad you're above something. Marc Antony
: Ah, in his usual gay mood.
: Who is this poisonous snake that wrecks our men? Caesar first and now Antony. When will it end?
: This time its my time. There will be no more talk of war. There will be war!
: And two hundred years later the planet was terraformed. Currently there are six billion human colonies. The Doctor
: Whew! You lot. You're everywhere. You're like rabbits! I'll never get done saving you.
: [to The Doctor over the radio
] You told me my fear would keep me alive but I died afraid, in pain and alone. You made me trust you, and when it mattered, you let me down. Amy Pond
: [whispering to River Song
] What are they doing? River Song
: [whispering to Amy Pond
] They're trying to make him angry. Bob
: I'm sorry, sir. The Angels were very keen for you to know that. The Doctor
: Well, then, the Angels have made their second mistake because I'm not gonna let that pass. I'm sorry you're dead, Bob, but I swear to whatever is left of you they will be sorrier. Bob
: But you're trapped, sir. And about to die. The Doctor
: Yeah, trapped. And you know what, speaking of traps, this trap has got a great big mistake in it. A great big whopping mistake! Bob
: What mistake, sir? The Doctor
: [to Amy
] Trust me? Amy Pond
: Yeah. The Doctor
: [to River
] Trust me? River Song
: Always. The Doctor
: [to Father Octavian and the Clerics
] You lot, trust me? Father Octavian
: We have faith, sir. The Doctor
: Then give me your gun. I'm about to do something incredibly stupid and dangerous. When I do, jump! Father Octavian
: Jump where? The Doctor
: Oh, just jump. High as you can. Come on! Leap of faith, Bishop. On my signal! Father Octavian
: What signal? The Doctor
: You won't miss it. Bob
: Sorry, can I ask you again? You mentioned a mistake we've made. The Doctor
: Oh, big, big mistake. Really huge. Didn't anyone ever tell you? There's one thing you never put in a trap. If you're smart, if you value your continued existence, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never, ever put in a trap. Bob
: And what would that be, sir? The Doctor
: [aiming gun upwards
[the Doctor fires
: Lovely species, the Aplans. We should visit them some time. Amy Pond
: I thought they were all dead. The Doctor
: So's Virginia Woolf; I'm on her bowling team. Very relaxed, sort of cheerful. That's from having two heads. You're never short of a snog with an extra head. River Song
: Doctor, there's something, I don't know what it is... The Doctor
: Yeah, something wrong. Don't know what it is yet either, working on it. Then they started having laws against self-marrying and what was that about? But that's the church for you. Erm, no offence, Bishop. Father Octavian
: Quite a lot taken, if that's all right, Doctor. Lowest point in the wreckage is only about 50 feet up from here. That way. Amy Pond
: Church had a point, if you think about it. The divorces must have been *messy*.
: Verger, how are we doing with those explosives? Doctor Song, with me. River Song
: Two minutes. Sweetie, I need you. Amy Pond
: Anybody need me? Nobody?
: You heard what Servilia said, she wants you to run away. Atia of the Julii
: More fool her, she'll have to find me first. Gaius Octavian
: She will find you; you have no talent for hiding.
: Mother, I must stay in Rome. Atia of the Julii
: Eh? Gaius Octavian
: I must stay in Rome. I am Caesar's son. I must protect my legal rights. Mark Antony
: There's blood? Quite the little Spartan.
: [Referring to Caesar's death
] Sorry about your uncle. Gaius Octavian
: I am made his son by will. Titus Pullo
] Titus Pullo
: The republic should remain as it was at the founding of the republic, why should that change? Gaius Octavian
: Because the Roman people are suffering, because slaves have taken all the work, because nobles have taken all the land, and because the streets are filled with the homeless and the starving.
: They say that Caesar is a war criminal, and that he intends to march his army on Rome. Lucius Vorenus
: That is sacrilege; no man of honour would follow him. Titus Pullo
: Well I'm no man of honour then... cause I say Caesar should ride in here! With *elephants* - and squash Pompey *and* Cato *and* anyone else that wants it. That's what I say! Lucius Vorenus
: That is because you govern your reason no better then you govern your tongue.
: Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke and fuck every whore in the city. Lucius Vorenus
: Show some dignity. You're under the standard. Titus Pullo
: Well, talk to him!
[Points toward Marc Anthony, who is having sex in uniform with a young girl alongside the road
] Lucius Vorenus
: He's not... under the standard. Titus Pullo
: Three hours away from a wife he hasn't seen in eight years. The man's terrified. Gaius Octavian
: Surely a reunion is a happy event. Lucius Vorenus
: Talk of something else! Titus Pullo
: What if she's lost her teeth? What if she's got skinny, or if she's been letting other men get between her legs? Lucius Vorenus
: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Atia of the Julii
: Wake up! Wake up at once! What is the meaning of this! Gaius Octavian
: What? Atia of the Julii
: The money! You've given the plebs their money! Gaius Octavian
: Is it so late already! I overslept Atia of the Julii
: I don't care! What about the money? Gaius Octavian
: I've promised it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before now, I knew you'd object. I've decided to enter public life, and it seem as a best way to introduce myself to the people Mark Antony
: That would be seen, as a direct challenge to ME! Gaius Octavian
: Yes, but that is not my intention at all. I suggest we make a public display of unity, to call such notions Mark Antony
: A public display of unity? But you... Gaius Octavian
: It makes sense. Our interests are conjoined, while you're a consul, my name, will lend weight to yours, and when your consulship is over and you retire from politics as you have promised, I will step in as leader of the Cesarion party Mark Antony
: I see. Gaius Octavian
: You will need protection from your enemies in the senate and I can provide that. Mark Antony
: [he angrily charges and grabs Octavian by the ears
] WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Gaius Octavian
: [fighting back
] I'm Caesar's rightful heir! Atia of the Julii
: [holds Antony back
] Would you stay calm! He doesn't have the money, so he can't give it away can he? This is all just childish talk. Gaius Octavian
: The money is legally mine! I was able to borrow against it! Atia of the Julii
: Borrow? How much did you borrow? Gaius Octavian
: It's not so much in the great scheme of things. Mark Antony
: [getting angrier
] How much? Gaius Octavian
: Three million Sestertii!
[Atia gasps hysterically
] Mark Antony
: Oh, Juno's... CUNT!
[after almost killig Octavian
] Mark Antony
: You're lucky you're still breathing, boy! Do you here me? You're lucky you're still breathing! Octavia of the Julii
: ANIMAL! Gaius Octavian
: You're unfit to lead Rome!
[to Atia after Antony and Atia threaten him
] Gaius Octavian
: Fucking whore!
: You have won, Cleopatra. You have won!
: Octavian, join us! Aid us in destroying this tyrant! Octavian
: No, I could never betray Caesar...
: But I won't stop you either.
] Marc Antony
: [to Octavian
] Looks like you have competition. Octavian
: I don't think so. Caesar will never name him his heir. Marc Antony
: You know the future? Octavian
: I know my uncle.
[about the Greek Poet
: I've asked him to prepare a piece to celebrate the seventh anniversary of the battle of Actium. Marcellus
] Oh no. Augustus
: What's the matter? Is it too boring for you? Marcellus
: We had one last year. Augustus
: That was last year and the speaker was very dull. This man they say is wonderful. Marcellus
: [impersonating the speaker from last year
] "Seven year this day did Antony's hopes sink in the harbor of Actium" Augustus
: You see how the young mock the battle scars of their elders?
: Look everyone, it's the cake. Julia
] Do we get one each? Augustus
] Julia, for heaven's sake.
[all laugh at her comment
] Marcus Agrippa
: It's my ship. Augustus
: Yes the one you made your headquarters. Marcus Agrippa
: She was a fine ship. Marcellus
[short pause; pointing to the cherry on the top
: That must be you, Marcus; The candied-cherry in the prow.
: Wait till you see what Marcellus has in store for us. He's got a rhinoceros. Livia
: What on earth is that? Augustus
: A remarkable creature. It has a horn on its nose. Livia
: So has Scipio's wife, he should have used her.
: I've seen you kill. There's plenty of soldier in you. Gaius Octavian
: It's not the killing. It is the waving about of swords I find tedious. I dare say I can kill people readily enough, as long as they're not fighting back.
[Pullo and Octavian are interrogating Evander
] Gaius Octavian
: Evander, move forward. Your life is over. The only question is, how do you want to die?
[Evander hesitates, but keeps silent
] Gaius Octavian
: We need to hear the truth. If you persist in lying to us, we'll torture you. You'll die only after many hours of agony and horror. You give us honesty now, and you'll go swiftly, painlessly. Evander Pulchio
: Please! Gaius Octavian
: Evander, tell the truth.
[Evander hesitates, but keeps silent
] Gaius Octavian
: Torture him. Titus Pullo
: Juno's a cunt, but you're salty! And I was worried about bringing you! Gaius Octavian
: Go on, then. Titus Pullo
] I've never actually tortured anyone. I don't know how. Gaius Octavian
: You don't know how? Titus Pullo
: They have specialists! Gaius Octavian
: Why not cut of his thumbs? Titus Pullo
: That's good enough. It's a start.
[On Caesar and Servilia's affair
] Gaius Octavian
: Calm yourself, mother. You're over-reacting. Who cares who he beds, it is trivial. Atia of the Julii
: You take after your father, simple as milk - and it isn't "trivial", if Caesar were not in bed with that witch he'd be chasing down Pompey - they republic is at stake! Gaius Octavian
: Since when do *you* care about the republic? Atia of the Julii
: I care *deeply* about the republic. Gaius Octavian
: It would not be wise to interfere with this... Atia of the Julii
: Of course! It doesn't matter away; affairs like these tend to ruin themselves anyway.
: Is there anyone in Rome who has not slept with my daughter?
: It's a hard thing to see a child banished, especially when you know the banishment is unjust.
[Augustus looks at her
: Yes, you must let my son come home. Can't you see what has been clear to me for so long, that it was Julia's wickedness that drove him away.
[Augustus glares at her
: I'll never bring him back. Never. He drove her to it. She would never have gone down that road if it wasn't for his wickedness.
[He stand up and yells to Livia
: He can stay there and rot.
[Augustus has been a given of list of Julia's sexual partners. At least 20 men are lined up before him, heads hung in shame. He looks truly astounded
: [In a quiet voice
] You, Aelius Sextus Balbas? Is it true? Have you slept with my daughter? Aelius Sextus Balbas
: Caesar, I, I... Augustus
: Answer the question. Aelius Sextus Balbas
: Yes, Caesar. Augustus
: And you, Marcus Volunsius Saturnius? Have you slept with my daughter? Marcus Volunsius Saturnius
: Caesar... Augustus
: Just answer the question. Marcus Volunsius Saturnius
: Yes, Caesar. Augustus
: And you? Have you?
[the next man nods
: And you, Publius Norbanus Flaccus? Publius Norbanus Flaccus
: Once, Caesar. Augustus
: [smiling sarcastically
] Ah, only once? That's all?
[He moves to the next man
] Julia's Lover
: Not slept, Caesar. Augustus
: Not slept? You mean it happened standing up perhaps, or in the street or on a bench? Not slept?
[He moves down the rest of the line, no longer able to look them in the eye
: IS THERE ANYONE IN ROME WHO HAS NOT SLEPT WITH MY DAUGHTER?
[He throws the list to the ground
: TAKE THEM OUT! I'LL DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH THEM LATER!
: Where the heck are we?
[the Pompeii volcano starts
: Ohh... Pompeii.
[They ran away in the Pompeii exhibit as lava comes after them
: This is the last round up!
[the lava comes close to them until Dexter the monkey pees on them and the lava to save them
: We must never speak of what happend here today.
[Dexter pees on them again
: Come on, that wasn't necessary!
: You'll rue the day you mocked us with your huge sword and hypnotic blue eyes!
[Jedediah turns and looks at him
: His eyes are very blue.
: [taking Octavian to be deflowered
] Not to worry, young master. There's nothing to it. Gaius Octavian
: If there's nothing to it then why is there such a fuss made of the thing?
Atia of the Julii
: You've put off this moment long enough, my dear. Gaius Octavian
: Mother... Atia of the Julii
: You *will* penetrate someone today, or I will burn your wretched books at the yard.
Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa
: [trying to defend Octavia
] The fault is mine. It was I who seduced her. Gaius Octavian Caesar
: You have many talents, Agrippa. Seduction is not one of them.
Gaius Octavian Caesar
: You should know that when we are married, I shall on occasion beat you. With my hand... A light whip... When I do so you must not think you have offended me. I do it because it gives me sexual pleasure. So remember that and don't be upset. Livia Drusilla
: Yes sir... Gaius Octavian Caesar
] I think we should get along very well.
: Did you? Did you have him killed? Gaius Julius Caesar
: I didn't even know he existed, until he no longer did.
: I dare say I can kill a man, so long as he's not fighting back.
[on his last day before the Senate, Claudius sees the ghosts of his family and predecessors
: Well done, Claudius, emperor after all. Who would have thought it, eh? Livia
: You're a fool, boy, you always were. People might say it's not your fault. Well, if it's not your fault, whose is it then? Antonia
: Your nose is still dripping, Claudius, still dripping. Tiberius
: Wasn't worth it, was it? I could have told you that. Caligula
: Uncle Claudius, I wasn't the Messiah after all, would you believe that? Could have knocked me over with a feather then they told me that.
: I am Gaius Octavian of the Julii. Great nephew of Julius Caesar. Titus Pullo
: Gaius who? Gaius Octavian
: I am a Roman citizen of noble birth. And I order you to cut these ropes. Titus Pullo
: Say please. Gaius Octavian
: Is that how one says it? As simply as that. "Mark Antony is dead. Lord Antony is dead." "The soup is hot; the soup is cold." "Antony is living; Antony is dead." Shake with terror when such words pass your lips, for fear they be untrue and Antony'd cut out your tongue for the lie! And if true, for your lifetime boast that you were honored to speak his name even in death. The dying of such a man, must be shouted, screamed! It must echo back from the corners of the universe. "Antony is dead! Mark Antony of Rome lives no more!"
: Something tells me you have something to say... Atia of the Julii
: Yes, if there were to be a marriage between your two houses then all would know your alliance's strength.
[Antony looks at Octavian
] Mark Antony
: I don't care if all of Italy burns; I won't marry him!
[as they prepare to commit suicide
] Atia of the Julii
: Octavian, my honey, who would you rather killed you? Gaius Octavian
: I'm old enough to take care of myself, mother. Atia of the Julii
: Oh, that's my brave boy.
: [as young Joxer falls to his knees to the wreckage, Octavius rides in with Romans
] Unbelievable. Octavius
: Where are they? Joxer, good to see you again. Where's Xena and Gabrielle? Joxer
: Octavius, they're gone. I saw the whole thing but I was too far away. I couldn't help them... Octavius
: Joxer, they're *not* dead! Joxer
] What? What?
[Octavius motions with his hand and a soldier comes over with baby Eve; she's alive and did not die in the crash. Octavius takes her and holds her in front of Joxer
: Eve. It can't be. Eve? Theon
: [Old Joxer is then seen again in front of his children
] Dad, how was Eve alive? Joxer
: Okay, okay. Remember back. What did the Fates tell Xena? Kara
: That she had to die to save Eve? Joxer
: That's right. But remember, you can't take what the Fates say literally. They said, "Only..." Clotho
: [in a flashback with Xena talking to the Fates
] Only in the essence of death will the child find salvation and the Twilight be set in motion. Joxer
: You see, Xena never intended to kill Death at all. It was Celesta's tears she really needed. The essence of Death... The only thing Xena realized that could simulate the appearance of their deaths to the gods, but only after convincing the gods that Eve had also been killed. Theon
: But, Eve was in... Joxer
: Eve was in the wagon. Joxer
: [flashback to younger Joxer with Octavius
] Eve was in that cart. Octavius
: No, Joxer. Joxer
: [flashback with Octavius leaving with Eve. Xena places a false Eve in the basket
] Eve was safe. The tears were collected. Next, release Celesta without it looking suspicious. Gabrielle got captured on purpose. Trying to rescue me made her capture look like it was unplanned. Gabrielle revealed Xena's location. The rest of the plan played out. The gods assumed Xena and her child were inseparable. My guess, my hope, was that Gabrielle drank the tears first. From that point, all they had to do was put on a convincing show. To the gods, Gabrielle was killed in the crash; Eve was dead- consumed in the burning wreckage. And even if they weren't completely convinced, what better way to solve that problem than by Xena taking her own life? The effect of the tears would soon wear off with Xena, Eve, and Gabrielle presumed dead by all of Olympus, the perfect cover. The perfect advantage.
: You still fucking my mother? Timon
] Whenever she'll have me. Gaius Octavian
: That explains your presumptuous familiarity.
: I am going to give you the library of Pergamon. It has more than twenty thousand volumes. Cleópatra
: A library!
: To my library!... My love...