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: This is so bad it's almost good. Enid
: This is so bad it's gone past good and back to bad again.
[In a cafe, a shy young man has just given them a flyer, telling him that his band is playing there on Friday night
: God, what a dork. Rebecca
: You're just jealous. Enid
: Trust me, at this point I'm past the fact that every single guy likes you better than me. Rebecca
: Oh, face it, you just hate every single guy on the face of the earth. Enid
: That's not true. I just hate all these extroverted, obnoxious, pseudo-bohemian losers.
: [coming out of their high school graduation ceremony
] God, what a bunch of retards. Rebecca
: God, I know, I thought Chipmunk-face was never going to shut up. Enid
: I know, I liked her so much better when she was an alcoholic crack addict. She gets in one car wreck and all of a sudden she's Little Miss Perfect and everyone loves her.
: Oh look, there he is. Enid
: As always. Rebecca
: Waiting for the bus that never comes. Enid
: I wonder if he's just totally insane, or he really thinks the bus is coming? Rebecca
: Why don't you just ask him? Enid
: Hi. What's your name? Norman
: Norman. Enid
: Are you waiting for a bus? Norman
: Yes. Enid
: I hate to tell you this, but they canceled this bus line two years ago. There are no more buses on this street. Norman
: You don't know what you're talking about.
: So, what do you do if you're a Satanist anyway? Enid
: Sacrifice virgins and stuff. Rebecca
: Well, that lets us off the hook.
: Sometimes I think I'm going crazy from sexual frustration. Rebecca
: And you haven't heard of the miracle of masturbation?
: [Enid is reading a note clipped to her diploma
] What? Rebecca
: What? Enid
: These assholes are saying I have to go to summer school and take some stupid art class. Rebecca
: Why? Enid
: God, I didn't think that just because you get an "F" you have to take the whole class over again. Rebecca
: Oh! It's that comedian I was telling you about.
[she turns up the volume on her television, which is showing an odd-looking man performing stand-up comedy
: See this bit, it's the absolute worst. Joey McCobb, the Stand Up Comic
: [on the TV
] Just because I still live with my mother people think I'm peculiar. So what if she's been dead for 15 years? Rebecca
: See? It's barely even a joke. Joey McCobb, the Stand Up Comic
: Well, it's like I always say, take my life... please!
[he bows and his audience applauds
] TV Announcer
: Joey McCobb, the weee-irdest man in showbusiness! Enid
: If he's so weird, how comes he's wearing Nikes?
[she switches the TV off
: Joey McCobb is our God. Rebecca
: I wanna do him. Enid
: I bet. Actually, he kind of reminds me of that one guy you went out with, Larry. God, what look was he going for, a gay tennis player from the '40s? Rebecca
: Fuck you. Enid
: You dated him.
[as they leave the diner they see Seymour in his car getting cut up at an intersection by a big, jacked-up SUV. He screeches to a halt and shouts furiously
: Oh my god. It's him! He's insane. Rebecca
: We should follow him home.
Angry Garage Sale Woman
: How much for this dress? Rebecca
: God, I can't believe you're selling that. Enid
: That's $500. Angry Garage Sale Woman
: What? Enid
: 500. Angry Garage Sale Woman
: You're crazy. It should be like $2. Enid
: I was wearing that when I lost my virginity. Angry Garage Sale Woman
: Well, why do I care about that? Enid
: Well, why do you want it? I mean, it would look stupid on you anyway. Angry Garage Sale Woman
: God! Fuck you!
[she tosses the dress back over the rack and walks off
: So now are you going to get a regular job?
: Oh, we totally have to.
[Enid and Rebecca try to call on Josh at his apartment. But there's answer at the door
: I bet he's in there jerking off. Rebecca
: I bet he never jerks off. Enid
: Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like that. Rebecca
: Should we leave a note? Enid
: Yeah, you got a pen?
[Rebecca pulls out a pen, Enid takes a tag left on Josh's door handle and writes on it, leaning on Rebecca's back
] Dear Josh, we came by to fuck you, but you were not home. Therefore you are gay. Signed Tiffany and Amber.
[she puts it back on Josh's door handle
: You're gonna leave that? Enid
: Why not?
: Look at this. Is Stacy Himmler going out with Rod Harbaugh? Rebecca
: Oh God, how perfect. Enid
: He'd better watch out or he'll get AIDS when he date-rapes her.
: God, I'm so sick of Seymour.
: See that guy over there? Enid
: Which one? Rebecca
: The blonde guy over there.
[Enid spots him and rolls her eyes
: He gives me, like, a total boner. Enid
: He's, like, the biggest idiot of all time. Reggae Fan
: [walking past with his friends
] You guys up for some reggae tonight?
[Enid lifts her hand, as if to say "See what I mean?"
: OK, you're right.
: [about Seymour's garage sale
] It was so cute how he had his own little bags. I thought I was going to start crying. Rebecca
: Yeah, he should totally just kill himself.
[she looks through the classified ads in a newpaper
: Oh, here's one. Oh, but you have to share a non-smoking feminist and her two cats. Enid
: I don't know... I kinda like him. He's the exact opposite of everything I really hate. In a way, he's such a clueless dork, he's almost kinda cool. Rebecca
: That guy is many things but he's definetely not cool.
: [making fun of Melorra
] "Funky!" Enid
: What, is she black now?
: [about the rap song playing in the 50s diner
] So, who could forget this great hit from the fifties, huh? Enid
: I feel as though I've stepped into a time warp.
: Hi. My name is Allen, and I'll be your waiter this afternoon. Enid
: Hi, Al. Rebecca
: Can we call you 'Weird Al'? Weird Al
: I'd imagine so.
[Enid is chatting to Rebecca who is working behind the counter at a coffee shop. An eccentrically dressed man in a motorized wheelchair comes up
] Feldman, the Wheel Chair Guy
: Excuse me... I can't read the trivia question. Enid
: [reading out the daily trivia question on the blackboard she's been standing in front of
] Where in the human body is the Douglas Pouch located? Feldman, the Wheel Chair Guy
[he starts using his laptop to find out the answer
] Oh, God.
[she starts making his free cup of coffee for getting the correct answer
] Feldman, the Wheel Chair Guy
: Slightly below the uterus. On a female.
[Rebecca hands him his coffee. He reverses his wheelchair and manouevers away
] Wow. Rebecca
: He does that every single day.
: [serving a woman a coffee
] Can I get you a bis... Rude Coffee Customer
] No, I do not want a biscotti with that.
[she takes her coffee and leaves
: God! How can you stand all these assholes? Rebecca
: Some people are OK, but mostly I just feel like poisoning everybody. Enid
: Well, at the least the wheelchair guy is entertaining. Rebecca
: He doesn't even need that wheelchair, he's just totally lazy. Enid
: That rules! Rebecca
: No, it really doesn't. You'll see, you get totally sick of all the creeps and losers and weirdos. Enid
: But those are our people. Rebecca
] Yeah, well...
[Enid looks at her, slightly disheartened
[At the graduation ball, Enid watches a loner classmate eating a slice of cake by himself
: God, just think, we'll never see Dennis again. Rebecca
] Good. Enid
: No, really think about that. It's actually totally depressing.
[At the graduation ball
: Hey, Rebecca. Rebecca
: Oh, hi. Todd
: So, we finally... Enid
: What about me? Am I not even here? Todd
: Hey, Enid.
[he turns back to Rebecca
: So, we finally made it, huh? Rebecca
: Yeah. Todd
: So, uh, where are you going to go to college? Enid
: We're not. Todd
: Really? Both of you? Why not? Enid
: Just because. Rebecca
: Yeah, we've made other plans. Todd
: I guess I should have figured that you two would do something different. Enid
: So, Todd, what are you going to be when you grew up? Todd
: Well, I'm majoring in Business Administration and thinking of minoring in Communications. Enid
: See, that's exactly the type of thing we're trying to avoid.
[she pulls Rebecca away
[Enid takes Rebecca to a "party" at Seymour's place, which is really just a gathering of nerdy record collectors
] Jerome, the Angry Guy - Record Collector
: Some records I will pay serious money for, provided they're a sincere V-plus. Other than that, I just prefer to have them on CD. Steven, the Asian Guy - Record Collector
: But CDs will never have the presence of an original 78. Jerome, the Angry Guy - Record Collector
: Wrong! A digital transfer adequately mastered will sound identical to the original. Do you have a decent equalizer? Steven, the Asian Guy - Record Collector
: I have a Klipsch 2B3. Jerome, the Angry Guy - Record Collector
: [talking with his mouth full
] Well, obviously the problem! You expect a 10 band equalizer to impart state-of-the-art sound? Dream a little dream, it's never gonna happen! Rebecca
: [to Enid
] I totally, totally hate you.
: [noticing Enid's green hair and leather jacket
] Oh my God, didn't they tell you? Enid
: Tell me what? John Ellis
: Punk rock is over. Enid
: I know it's over, asshole, I'm not even... John Ellis
: You really want to fuck up the system? Go to business school. That's what I'm going to do. Get a job in some big corporation and, like, fuck things up from the inside. Enid
: You know, I'm not even trying... John Ellis
: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. Hey, do you have my money?
[she pulls a dollar bill out of her pocket, scrunches it up and throws it at him. It bounces off his face
] John Ellis
: Oh! Oh, how punk! Enid
: You know, that tape sucked by the way. John Ellis
: Oh, I'm so sorry if it offended Jew. Enid
: Go die, asshole! John Ellis
: Get a job. Enid
: God! Fuck you! Rebecca
: Can we go now? Enid
: You know, it's not like I'm some modern punk, dickhead! It's obviously a 1977 original punk rock look, but I guess Johnny Fuckface over there is too stupid to realize it! Rebecca
: I didn't really get it either. Enid
: Everyone's too stupid!
: [about 'Weird' Al
] I want to make love to him. Enid
: I'm going to tell him you said that.
: I remember this hat. This is from your little old lady phase!