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Quotes for
Skipper (Character)
from Madagascar (2005)

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The Madagascar Penguins in a Christmas Caper (2005)
Skipper: [following a group of nuns] Blend! Blend!

[repeated line]
Skipper: Hoover Dam!

Skipper: Eggnog at 2100 hours, writing our names in the snow at 2105.
Private: Skipper?

Kowalski: Oh, no. He must be out there all by himself.
Skipper: He's one of us, men. You all know the Penguin Credo.
Kowalski: Never bathe in hot oil and Bisquick?
Skipper: No.
[Rico speaks Japanese gibberish]
Skipper: No, that's the Walrus Credo. It's "Never swim alone." Private's out there all by himself, and we never leave one of our own.
Kowalski: Oh, yeah.
Skipper: Let's go.

Private: Thanks for rescuing me, Skipper.
Skipper: Think nothing of it, young Private. It's the least we could do. You remember the Penguin Credo.
Private: What does deep-frying in Bisquick have to do with any of this?
Skipper: Not that one, the other one! "Never swim alone!" Alone! On Christmas! Don't you get it? Come on people, do I have to explain this to everybody?

Skipper: He's in trouble.
Rico: [starts to light a stick of dynamite] Kaboom!
Skipper: Stand down, soldier. We're in observation mode.

Skipper: [to the penguins] Grand Coolee Dam! Private's been captured.

Skipper: Engage cranberries!

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis!
Kowalski: [eats some snow] Mmm... Adrenaline, sweat and sardines. These tracks are fresh sir!
Skipper: He's close... I can feel it.

Skipper: Shitake mushrooms! No more Mr. Cute and Cuddly.
Rico: [grabs stang of dynamite] Kaboom-kaboom-kaboom!
Skipper: Rico! Enough with the dynamite already!
Rico: [sighs disappointed] Aww.

Skipper: [to the penguins] Holy butterball!

[the old lady's dog, Mr. Chew, starts eating Private's Christmas sock, while Private's in it]
Private: Nice doggy! Good Doggy! No, good boy! No! No! Don't eat me! No!
[Mr. Chew comes closer to Private and Private starts to panic]
Private: Leave me alone! Don't eat me! AAAH!
[Skipper, Kowalski and Rico break in through a window, landing safely on a table]
Skipper: Santa Claus has come to town!
Private: Ooh, Skipper.

Private: But no-one should be sad and alone on Christmas!
Skipper: Exactly! So throw those troubles away and be merry!

Skipper: Lets blow this popsicle stand, boys!
Rico: [Grabs stick of dynamite] Kaaboooom?
Skipper: Yes, Rico. Kaaboom.

Skipper: [as Rico hold an anvil above the elderly lady's head] Rico! She didn't see anything!

Skipper: [to Rico playing the "Knife game" at the dinner table] Rico! Not at the table.

Skipper: [watching Rico chug eggnog] That boy can really hold down his nog.

Skipper: What comes down must go up!

Skipper: Excelente!

Skipper: [following Old Lady] Not on my watch, Blue Hair!

Kowalski: How are we going to get inside?
Rico: [Lights a fuse] Ka-boom! Ka-boom!
Skipper: I have a better idea.
[Puts out the fuse]
Rico: Oh.

[first lines]
Private: He looks so sad.
Skipper: Rico, I want that tree up to muster.

Skipper: Hold on a second! Something's missing!
Kowalski: Cranberries: check! Eggnog: check!
Skipper: Give me a headcount.
Kowalski: [grabs abacus] We have three heads, sir!
Skipper: Where's the private?
Kowalski: Unknown sir! It would appear that he's
[grabs milk carton]
Kowalski: missing!
[shows milk carton with a big 'missing' advert for the private]
Skipper: Missing? Hoover Dam! Wait, there he is. He just went to bed.
[pulls off sheets, revealing a bowling pin underneath]
Skipper: What the...
[slapping the pin]
Skipper: What have you do with Private? Talk, Mister!
Kowalski: Skipper, over here.
Skipper: [to pin] I'll deal with you later.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Launchtime/Haunted Habitat (#1.1)" (2009)
The Skipper: No, I can't set foot on Denmark.
Private: Why not, Skipper?
The Skipper: Well, that's private, Private, between me and the Danes.

The Skipper: Say goodbye to Earth, boys.
Private: But Skipper, Earth has some of my favorite things, like cookies and oxygen.
The Skipper: ...and brown paper packages tied up in strings. Kowalski, light this candle!

King Julien: [singing] Oh, spirit of the night / Who may or may not bite / You bring the otter fright / You bring the otter fright, though you are out of sight / Go away, go away!
Maurice: Go way away!
King Julien: I say don't stay!
Maurice: I say don't stay!
King Julien: Go away, go away!
Maurice: Go way away!
King Julien: I say don't stay!
Maurice: I say don't stay!
The Skipper: Come on, men. Let's leave this to the tiny dancer, and get us some shut-eye.
King Julien: My ghost mojo is working! Can you feel it.

The Skipper: Greetings, moon cat. We come in peace. For now.

King Julien: Obviously, this is a new ghost, since the old ghost was eliminated by me, your king.
The Skipper: Your little song and dance did bubkes!
King Julien: Oh? And what did you do? Double bubkes! So shut up.

The Skipper: Kowalski, status report.
Kowalski: I'm randomly pushing buttons while we spin out of control, Skipper.
The Skipper: Can I push one? I might feel better.

The Skipper: Ooh, aren't you boys tardy to the party?

The Skipper: Talk to me, Kowalski.
Kowalski: These readings are off the charts!
The Skipper: Well, get bigger charts then. Take it out of petty cash.

The Skipper: It's knock-knock time, Rico.
[Rico spits out a lit stick of dynamite]
Marlene: Isn't this kinda, um... extreme?
The Skipper: No, two sticks of dynamite would be extreme. This'll just let the specter know we mean business.

The Skipper: So we didn't go lunar?
Kowalski: Seems I forgot to carry the two.

The Skipper: Our turn, boys. Commence Operation: Our Turn.

Kowalski: Lucky break you were there to rescue Marlene, Skipper.
The Skipper: Actually, I didn't so much rescue Marlene so much as...
Marlene: Umm?
The Skipper: Well, let's just say if I'm ever caught in a swirling current of raw sewage, I just hope Marlene is by my side.
Marlene: Oh, that's so sweet... I think.

The Skipper: Gentlemen, we need a vacation. A vacation from that lemur.
Private: Perhaps we could visit a zoo. They have pandas and hippos and a lovely house of reptiles.
The Skipper: Private, you do realize we live in a zoo.
Private: But we could visit a different zoo.
The Skipper: Rico?
[Rico slaps Private upside the head]

The Skipper: Gentlemen, we are going to the moon.
[Private raises his hand]
The Skipper: And no, there's no zoo on the moon.

Mort: But I don't want to go into the haunted place!
King Julien: Be brave, Mort, like me.
Roger: Hello!
[the lemurs run away screaming]
Roger: What's the matter with the guy in the funny hat?
The Skipper: I wish I knew, Roger. I wish I knew.

The Skipper: Gentlemen, I give you the Penguin One.
Private: Is it safe, Skipper?
[a piece falls off the rocket]
The Skipper: Kowalski?
Kowalski: Technically speaking, maybe.

Kowalski: According to rumors, the previous occupant of this habitat did disappear...
Private: ...under mysterious circumstances!
Marlene: He was transfered, to Toledo.
Mort: [scared] Toledo?
[All look scared]
The Skipper: [Holding a flashlight under his face] Ohio!
[Mort screams and runs away, slamming into a wall]

The Skipper: It's some kind of monster from the darkest abyss!

The Skipper: Looks like we've got an intruder, boys. Commence Operation: Hammerhead.
King Julien: Excuse me, hammer whose head, exactly?

Kowalski: It appears the ghostly death rattle is coming from your own respiratory system.
Marlene: Uh, yeah, of course. Can anybody spit it out in English?
[Rico lies down and snores]
Marlene: Snoring? I don't snore.
[Skipper plays back the tape of Marlene snoring]
The Skipper: Mystery solved. You spooked yourself.
Marlene: That wasn't the scary sound.
The Skipper: Oh, come on. It's bloodcurdling!

The Skipper: We are in the mysterious realm of the specter.
Marlene: It's a sewer.
The Skipper: *Haunted* sewer.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: All Choked Up/Little Zoo Coupe (#1.11)" (2009)
Skipper: Officially, you have no idea what we're doing here.
Marlene: Uh-huh. Unofficially too.

Skipper: Look alive, men. I've got my freak on for recon.

Skipper: It's too horrible for words. Except these ones, the words I'm saying right now. These are fine. But anything else, no go!

Skipper: Not to worry, men. There's more than one way to make a penguin puke his guts out.
Private: How many...?
Skipper: Seventeen. Just don't ever ask to see number twelve.

Kowalski: Cool cars go faster. That's a scientific fact.
Skipper: Gentlemen, our car is officially boss.

Kowalski: That bomb is not coming out. We could send a man inside to defuse it if we were about yea tall.
Skipper: And how close are we from shrink ray technology?
Kowalski: 700 years.
Skipper: [tosses aside a device next to him] Curse you, shrink ray!
Kowalski: Make that 712.

Skipper: Our car's not babyish!
Kowalski: It is strategically... adorable.

King Julien: Winner gets the loser's car.
Private: Why would you want two cars?
King Julien: One for commuting, one for weekend errands around town.
Skipper: Better stock up on subway tokens. We race tonight at 12 o'clock!
King Julien: Make it... midnight! Wait, wait. When's my pedicure?
Maurice: Midnight.
King Julien: Can we make it 12:15? Does 12:15 work for you?
[Kowalski looks at his board and nods to Skipper]
Skipper: Fine. 12:15.

Skipper: That dame is a riddle wrapped in mystery and dunked in nasty sauce.

Skipper: Are you ready to have your lunch handed to you?
King Julien: Why, yes, that would be nice. I would like a BLT, hold the T, and... Oh, this is some of your trashy talk, is it? Well, I too can talk of the smack!

Skipper: Dynomite! The classic timebomb bundle with LED countdown delay. Maximum explodability matched with maximum getawayability. Rico, you're a mad genius. That robo zoo guide goes sayonara in half an hour... high noon!

Skipper: Well, Rico, I'm sorry it has to come to this, but I had Kowalski whip up a little concoction I like to call... Number Twelve!
Kowalski: Two scoops of squirrel lint, a dash of baboon spit, used kitty litter, one hippo toenail, and anything we could find in the monkey cages. Whoa, mama!

Skipper: Whistling. Awfully cheery for someone pushing a suspicuously human-shaped sack. Wouldn't you say?
Private: I don't know, Skipper. Sometimes a good whistle makes me feel like a pretty little butterfly.
[Rico starts to retch]
Skipper: Can the sweet talk, Private. You know Rico has gooey love mush sensitivity.

Kowalski: Looks like she's burying the evidence, Skipper... above ground, standing up, in the busiest crossroads of the zoo.
Skipper: Putting her gruesome handiwork on display? How sick is this woman?

Skipper: So that's their game. Blowing us up one by one with unregurgitatable gut bombs. Horrified, yet impressed.
Kowalski: It's so obvious. I should have seen it coming. I'm sorry, Rico. I blame myself.
Private: No Rico! No...
Skipper: Not Rico! Not anybody! Kowalski, status report.
Kowalski: 22 minutes, 46 seconds.
Skipper: Then we've got 22 minutes and 45 seconds to get that bomb out of our buddy's belly. Rico, my friend, we are gonna teach you to spew again!

Skipper: I smuggled this out of the souvenir gift shop.
Kowalski: A nature documentary?
Skipper: Wait for it.
[Plays movie]
Documentary Narrator: This is Antarctica. Icy home to the playful penguin.
Private: Hey, that looks like uncle Nigel.
[Roaring from documentary]
Documentary Narrator: Who become prey to the insatiable bloodthirst of this leopard seal.
Kowalski: Oh, that image will haunt me!
Skipper: It's just a boring... documentary.
Documentary Narrator: Betcha can't eat just one, Mr. Seal.

Skipper: Well, Rico, looks like it's game over. I never thought it would end this way, but I just want you to know... I love you, you crazy knucklehead.
Kowalski: I also love you, in the same way expressed previously... dude.
Private: [Hugging Rico] I love you too, Rico!
[Rico starts to retch]
Mort: [Inside Rico] And I love this popcorn. It's a little wet, though.
[Rico's stomach rumbles]
King Julien: Eh, what is that noise?
Skipper: [breaking down] I'm not good with words - well, actually, neither are you - but I just wanna say... you are my brother!
Kowalski: That's poetry, Skipper.
King Julien: I don't know about him, but this mush is making me want to blow chunks.
Skipper: Do you mind?
Private: Wherever the sun lays its head, there the land will whisper, "Rico. Rico."
Kowalski: [breaking down] Okay, now that's poetry!
[They all cry and hug each other; Julien joins in; they all glare at him]
King Julien: I just want to see a penguin throw up.

Skipper: Take a look at our future, men. Phase Two: robot animals.
Kowalski: It's a classic cost-cutting manuever. Replacement and elimination.
Skipper: But there's...
[Counts to himself]
Skipper: ...*four* things they didn't count on. The war on robots begins...
Kowalski: Uh, Skip...
[Skipper signals to wait]

Kowalski: Course is ready to roll, Skipper.
[One of the cones starts to move]
Skipper: What the deuce?
Kowalski: Oh, for pity's sake! If the cones are going to move by themselves, why do I measure?
[They remove the cone; Marlene was underneath]
Marlene: Hi, guys!
Skipper: Marlene! Who was on cone stowaway duty?
[Kowalski, Private and Rico point at each other]

Kowalski: Course is ready to roll, Skipper.
[One of the cones starts to move]
Skipper: What the...?
Kowalski: Oh, for pity's sake! If the cones are going to move by themselves, why do I measure?
[They remove the cone; Marlene was underneath]
Marlene: Hi, guys!
Skipper: Marlene! Who was on cone stowaway duty?
[Kowalski, Private and Rico point at each other]

Penguins of Madagascar (2014)
Classified: Remain calm, penguins. You're now under the protection of the North Wind.
Skipper: Private, dibble me.
[Private takes a dibble bag out of Rico's body, gives it to Skipper, then he jumps in front of Classified]
Skipper: We're not going anywhere with you.
Skipper: We don't even know who the heck you are.
Classified: The North Wind is an elite undercover inter-spe...
[Skipper munches]
Classified: an elite undercover inter-species...
[Skipper munches again]
Classified: task for...
[Skipper munches again]
Classified: force...
[Skipper munches again]
Classified: dedicated to help...
[Skipper munches again]
Classified: to help...
[Skipper munches again]
Classified: dedicated to...
[Skipper munches again]
Classified: dedicated to helping animals who can't
[Skipper munches again]
Classified: help
[Skipper munches again]
Classified: themselves.
[Skipper munches again for the last time, then Classified growls]

Private: Hello! Are you my family?
[the three penguins turn, knowing that they're far away from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private]
Kowalski: You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.
Private: W-What?
[Skipper elbows Kowalski]
Kowalski: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.
Skipper: [hits Kowalski] No one's gonna die.
[to Private]
Skipper: You know what you got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is.
[salutes Private, who salutes back]
Skipper: [tussles Private's head] So adorable.
[to Kowalski]
Skipper: Kowalski, what's our trajectory?
Kowalski: Ninety-five percent certain we're still doomed.
Skipper: And the, uh... other five percent?
Kowalski: Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.
Skipper: I'll take that action.
Private: Where are going?
Skipper: The future, boys. The glorious future.

Skipper: Follow me, boys! We're going in hot!
Private: [as his butt goes on fire] Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Skipper: No one likes a show off, Private.

[They've arrived in Shanghai]
Kowalski: We've arrived in the center of Dublin, Ireland.
Skipper: We gotta blend in. River dance.
[They start river dancing]

Skipper: Alright, you! Where's Dave?
[repeatedly slaps a baby squid]
Skipper: Give us the goods.
Kowalski: Sir, that's a baby squid.
[the baby squid starts crying, then Skipper puts the baby squid down]
Skipper: Sorry, laddie.

Skipper: Debbie!
Kowalski: Dave.
Skipper: Dave!
Corporal: He hacked into our system.
[There's no sound onscreen as Dave speaks]
Eva: Where's the sound?
Kowalski: Dave, your microphone, it's not on.
Classified: Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.
Short Fuse: Every time a villain calls in, this happens.
Dave: Hello?
[the screen goes off]
Dave: Hello?
Kowalski: But, now we can hear you.
Short Fuse: So annoying!
Kowalski: But we cannot see.
Short Fuse: Every time!
Classified: It's like talking to my parents.

[the penguins have just blown up an old ship]
Skipper: Kowalski, analysis?
Kowalski: We are really... awesome at this!
Skipper: Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we could do our thing! High one!
[They all high five, until Skipper accidentally hits the egg they saved]
Skipper: Ooh. My bad.
[the penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch]
Skipper: Look! It's the miracle of birth.
Kowalski: A moment of extraordinary beauty.
[Suddenly, Private's egg explodes open, much to the disgust of the three penguins]
Skipper: Daaagh! That's disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!

Documentary Filmmaker: Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life. And not just any life: penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...
[as the older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski, they quickly move out of the way]
Skipper: Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?
Antarctic Penguin: Who cares?
Antarctic Penguin: I question nothing.
Antarctic Penguin: Me too.
Antarctic Penguin: Me too.
Skipper: Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.
[they flap their wings but cannot fly]
Kowalski: Skipper, we appears to be flightless.
Skipper: [looks at his wings] Oh, well what's the point of these?
[Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high five]
Skipper: Woah, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we going to call it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.

Skipper: You're up, Private.
[Private comes out behind a "Wet Floor" sign, dressed as a mermaid]
Skipper: You just mermaid my day.

[the Penguins are dressed as German folk musicians]
Skipper: We take this shame to our graves.
Kowalski: Agreed.
[slap dance starts]

Skipper: Lost visuals. Kowalski! Be my eyes.

Kowalski: Sir, how long do we stand here like this?
Skipper: Until we reach maximum coolness.
Skipper: There it is.

Skipper: Leopard seals! Nature's snakes.
Kowalski: Aren't snakes nature's snakes?
Skipper: How should I know? I live on a flippin' frozen tundra!

Private: So... how do I look?
Kowalski: You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport.
Private: What?
[Skipper elbows Kowalski]
Kowalski: What?
Skipper: If there's anything we've learned from this delightful adventure, KOWALSKI, it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do that counts.
[overwhelmed with emotion]
Skipper: And look at what you did.
[the penguins from different countries look at Private, to his delight. Baby penguins pop out from behind parent penguins]
Skipper: Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.
[Private salutes Skipper, who salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well. Skipper does Private's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Private did the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for Private]

Skipper: [Dave drops from the ceiling in human disguise] Who are you?
Dave: The humans know me as Doctor Octavius Brine, renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives... but you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you hoped you'd never hear again. A PHANTOM! A shadow of a former life! I... AM...
[rips off disguise, but wig remains on his head]
Dave: Dave!
Skipper: [Whispers] Kowalski?
Kowalski: [Whispers back] Sorry, sir, no clue.
Dave: [Looks up, sees the wig on his head, and pulls it off] Dave!
Skipper: Dave?
Kowalski: Dave...?
Dave: Dave!
Private: [Smiles] Dave!
Dave: [Annoyed] DA-VUH!
Rico: [Rolls his eyes] Bleh.

Skipper: [after waking up from being tranquilized] What did North Wind do to us?
Private: [Turns around and shows the dart stuck in his back] They gave us badges!
Skipper: [Snatches the dart from his own shoulder] No, not badges... Tranquilizer darts!
[Looks around and realizes they're in a plane]
Skipper: Classified. That low-down, dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission!
Kowalski: He thinks we can't do anything because we're just
[makes quotation marks with his flippers]
Kowalski: "penguins".
Skipper: Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! They're US! And if anyone's going to save us, it's us.
Kowalski: But sir, we've got to be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options.
[Punches the button closest to him, which opens the cargo hatch]

Classified: Just tell me everything you know.
Skipper: All right!
[Inaudible word]
Skipper: Never trust a Dutchman in a tulip fight.
Classified: [taking notes] Tulip fight...
Skipper: Canada is secretly training an army of Sasquatch.
Classified: Sasquatch...
Skipper: Hot dogs are, in fact, only 17% actual dog.
Classified: [exasperated] Not everything-everything! Everything regarding your abduction by Dr. Octavius Brine...
Skipper: Aaaah! Why didn't you say so?

"The Penguins of Madagascar: An Elephant Never Forgets/Otter Things Have Happened (#1.26)" (2009)
Skipper: Not bad, Private. But had that been a decoy elephant foot loaded with TNT, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation.
Private: How often does that happen, Skipper?
Skipper: Well, why don't we ask Manfredi and Johnson? Oh, we can't, because they fell for the old exploding elephant foot.

Skipper: So, what's the trouble, Long Trunks?
Burt: You guys gotta help me. I need to get out of the zoo and across town, today!
Private: Ooh, a breakout.
Kowalski: Complicated by crosstown transport of the world's largest land mammal.
Skipper: That's a pretty tall order, my ginormous friend. May I ask why?
Burt: Let's just say an elephant never forgets.
Rico: Uhh...
Skipper: Ooh, dark and sinister sounding with the classic pachyderm cliché. Big man, you play me like a fiddle.

Skipper: Now, if anyone asks, you're name is Frosty Fun Times truck number 26.
Kowalski: You were raised a laundry delivery truck, but on your eighteenth birthday, you decided to follow your dream and never looked back.
Private: Why would anyone ask a truck about...
Skipper: Don't confuse the man with questions, Private. It's a very complicated alias.

Skipper: Our cover's been blown! Abort, men! Abort!
Burt: No! We don't abort for nothing!

Kowalski: I'd like to go back and add some more haybales to the elephant decoy. I feel like I underpadded the buttocks.
Skipper: Good call. I've lost too many men to buttock inaccuracies.

Skipper: I knew this sounded dark and sinister, but this is darker, sinisterer.

Skipper: Gentlemen, let's go home.
Private: But Skipper, how are we going to sneak Burt back into the zoo?
Skipper: [Looks at abstract painting in apartment] Hmm...
[Cut to Burt wearing the painting, walking down the street]
Skipper: Now, if anyone asks, you're the Museum of Modern Art.
Burt: You can call me MoMA.

Skipper: If Kowalski's invention works, think of the defense applications.
Marlene: Defense applications... for the Lovulator.
Skipper: Limitless!

Marlene: When I find Julien, I'm gonna tear him limb from limb, then sew him back together, and then tear him apart all over again!
[Julien screams off screen]
Skipper: Sounds like someone beat you to it.

Private: I wonder how the rest of Marlene's date went?
Skipper: I'm sure it was a many splendored thing.
Kowalski: Of course. It was scientifically approved.
Marlene: Hi, guys. So, me and Fred? Not happening.
Kowalski: What?
Marlene: Turns out what I thought was him being funny was actually just him being...
Skipper: Dumb as a sack of hammers?
Marlene: Let's just say I did not hear Spanish guitar when we were together.
Kowalski: But, but science let us to him. Science said he was perfect. Science! Why have you forsaken me?

Skipper: Our first obstacle is Alice. We need something to keep her occupied during Burt's exodus.
Kowalski: Perhaps a large mess to clean up. But what would be the ideal spot for maximum filthyosity? The public restrooms, of course!
Skipper: Now we need some sort of stink bomb.
Kowalski: Chemical or organic?
Skipper: Let's go green on this one. Big Gray, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Burt: Bean, broccoli and cabbage burrito. Why?
Skipper: Perfecto!

Burt: [about the fake elephant the penguins made] I don't know. It doesn't really look like me.
Skipper: Wait for it.
[Rico regurgitates some peanuts in front of decoy]
Burt: Wow! It's like looking in a mirror!

Skipper: [about the "stink bomb"] Nice craftsmanship, Burt.
Burt: The burrito did most of the work.

Skipper: [the penguins discover some photos pinned on Burt's habitat] Well, this is, uh, disturbing, to me. Anyone else?
Private: I'm disturbed as well, Skipper.
Kowalski: [Focusing on a photo of a kid] Look at that kid with the kazoo. Could it be? The legendary Kid Kazoo?
Rico: Kid Kazoo?
Kowalski: You know, Kid Kazoo? The scourge of the Central Park Zoo? Surely you've heard the tales. He was a Sunday regular, a real piece of work, with a smile like a bear trap, and a laugh like a deranged birthday clown. But the sickest thing was that kazoo, screeching incessantly like a kindergarten orchestra.
Private: That sounds horrible, Kowalski.
Kowalski: Kazoos always do, Private. But no one had it worse than poor Burt. With those jumbo-sized ears, that constant buzzing was unbearable. He hated that kazoo! I wonder what ever happened to the little maniac?
Skipper: [Looks at a picture of an adult man] Wait a minute. Look at those shifty eyes. That devious half-smile. Those kazoo-kissed lips.
Kowalski: By Newton's apple, you're right! It's Kid Kazoo all grown up!
Rico: Wow!
Private: Burt really knows how to hold a grudge. For years, apparently.

Skipper: But I thought an elephant never forgets.
Burt: But he always forgives.
Skipper: Right. A little sappy for my taste.

Private: We just thought an otter alone in the big city might be...
Marlene: What?
Skipper: Lonely! The soul-crushing solitude must be eating you alive!
Marlene: Right. But why the sudden interest in my love life?
Kowalski: All right, we needed a guinea pig, and you were the closest species. Genetically speaking.

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (2008)
Skipper: [Looking at the blueprints for the plane] Very impressive, Kowalski. But will it fly?
Kowalski: Yes, if you fold it here, here, and here.
[Folds plans into paper plane and throws it]
Skipper: Nice.

Skipper: That has to be the second biggest slingshot I've ever seen, but I guess it'll have to do.

Skipper: Gently now, you just wanna kiss the ground, just a little peck, a smooch like you're kissing your sister.
[Plane violently lands and the tires break off]
Skipper: I said kiss it!

Skipper: Pray to your personal god this hunk of junk flies.

Skipper: Operation tourist trap is a go.
Private: Oh, I like that one, that's a good one.
Kowalski: It works on many levels, sir.
Skipper: You guys are a bunch of suck-ups.
Kowalski: That too, sir.
Private: Oh, absolutely, sir.

Kowalski: Only two passengers unaccounted for, Skipper.
Skipper: That's a number I can live with! Good landing, boys! Who says a penguin can't fly?

Skipper: [to Alex] You! Pretty boy! Why don't you and your friends dig a latrine, maybe find water.
Alex: Hold on, hold on a second. Who made you... king of the plane wreck?
Skipper: 'Scuse me?
[Rico pulls out and deploys a switchblade]

Alex: Slow down! You're gonna kill us! There's got to be another way! Pass it on!
[the monkey chain relays the message up to the plane]
Mason: Don't slow down. Kill us. It's the only way. Basset Hound!
Skipper: The best sacrifice is the one made by others.
[Nana shoots through the plane's windshield and blows off the bobblehead doll's head]
Skipper: Doll! MEDIC!
[Private gets out the duct tape]

Mason: The plane will not be finished until the suits meet our demands. Now, about maternity leave.
Skipper: Maternity leave?
[looks under table]
Skipper: You're all male!

Alex: Hey! Happy Slappers! Is there any reason to celebrate? Look at the plane!
Skipper: We'll fix it.
Alex: Fix it? How you gonna fix this?
Skipper: Grit, spit
[Private spits]
Skipper: and a whole lotta duct tape.
[Rico pulls out a roll of duct tape]
Skipper: We should be up and running in say...
[Kowalski shows him an abacus]
Skipper: six to nine months.
Alex: Sixty-nine months?
Skipper: No, six *to* nine months.

Skipper: I'd like to kiss you, monkey man.
Mason: All right, but you're so darn ugly.
[Kisses Skipper]

Zuba: Love transcends all boundaries. We are here to celebrate such a love. Do you two take each other for better or worse?
Skipper: For better, please.

[Bulb on the fuel guage is flashing]
Kowalski: Skipper, look.
Skipper: Analysis
Kowalski: It looks like a small incandescent bulb, designed to indicate something out of the ordinary, like a malfunction.
Skipper: I find it pretty and somewhat hypnotic.
Kowalski: That too, sir.
Skipper: Right. Rico, maunal!
[Catches the manual and smashes the bulb with it]
Skipper: Problemo solved.
Kowalski: Sir, we may be out of fuel.
Skipper: What makes you think that?
Kowalski: We've lost engine one, and engine two is no longer on fire.
Skipper: Buckle up, boys. Don't look, doll, this might get hairy.
[on the microphone]
Skipper: This is your captain speaking. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we will be landing immediately.
[everyone claps]
Skipper: The bad news is, we're crash landing.
[Plane goes on a dive]
Skipper: When it comes to air travel, we know that you have no choice whatsoever, but thanks again for choosing Air Penguin.

Skipper: We'll divide into three groups. Group Alpha, you're in charge of sheet metal fabrication. Group Bronson, you'll handle assembley. Group George Peppard, you'll handle craft services. Any questions?

Skipper: Higher mammal! We shall require use of your opposibles!
[Phil curses in sign language]
Mason: Phil! I ought to wash your hands out with soap.

Mason: The plane won't be fixed until the suits meet our demands. Now, about maternity leave.
Skipper: Maternity leave?
[glances under the table]
Skipper: You're all male...
Marty: Look, we need that plane for a rescue mission.
Skipper: Well, there's nothing I can do until we bust up this union.
Gloria: I'm gonna get to bustin' up all you if you don't get this plane going!
Skipper: Can't you see these commies have my hands tied, here? NO maternity leave!
Mason: [nudges Phil, who pulls out incriminating photos of Skipper and "Doll" in compromising positions] Maybe a certain someone wouldn't want *these* blowing around the savanna?
Skipper: [reluctantly] All right, you get your maternity leave.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Cat's Cradle/Monkey Love (#1.19)" (2009)
Skipper: Eyes on the prize, Kowalski. Crack the new habitat security code, and we'll be swimming in all the fish we can stomach.
Rico: Fiiish! Ha-ha-ha!
Kowalski: I'm trying, but this is the most advanced encryption I've ever seen. It's got sudoku with fractions!
Skipper: Have you tried the master code?
Kowalski: One, two, three, four, five. Darn! Nothing!
Skipper: Now try it backwards.
Kowalski: Five, four, three, two, one. Aah!
Skipper: Now start at three...
Rico: Fiiiish!
[Spits out a chainsaw and cuts through the computer]
Kowalski: Wow. We're in!
Skipper: Way to hack that mainframe, Rico!

Private: Skipper, there's a scary man!
Skipper: Well, gentlemen, it looks like they finally found me. Those Danes really know how to hold a grudge.

Skipper: Private, options.
Kowalski: Hello? I'm the options guy!
Skipper: But not when it comes to matters of the heart. That's where young Private here shines.
Kowalski: True, I have trouble understanding emotions, and feelings, and... women.
Skipper: Yeah. Duh. Private, you're on!
Private: Well, let's see...
Marlene: Come on, Private. You know what to do. Moonlight, guitar, oysters!
Private: Sorry, Marlene, but I was thinking that Phil could show off his machismo.
Skipper: Machismo! Español! I like it!

Skipper: How many enemy agents are we talking here? Because if it's more than a baker's dozen, we may need the jumbo brass knuckles... and knuckles.

Skipper: Reach for the skies, chimps!
Lulu: What...?
Mason: Egad, penguin desperados, and they've got sticks!
Kowalski: Aargh! That's right, matey, and ooh, argh! Shiver me timbers, and orgh, eergh, argh!
Private: Kowalski, we're supposed to be desperados, not pirates.
Kowalski: Really?
[Rico sighs and leaps forward to attack]
Kowalski: The point is, we want all your bananas!
Private: And there's no one here tough enough to stop us!
Skipper: [Pointing at Mason] Certainly not this milksop.
Lulu: Hold on now. Mason may not be tough, but me... I'm from Hoboken!
[Beats up penguins]

Skipper: I know it's risky, but so is love. Look at what happened to Manfredi and Johnson when they fell hard for those Chinstrap sisters. They lost their hearts, a lung, and fifteen feet of intestine.

Skipper: One human? That's not combat, that's a playdate.

Skipper: Moon cat!
Max: It's Max, and I'm not really from the moon.
Skipper: Yeah, but the name just works.

Mason: Egad, Phil! Don't be rash!
Private: What is it?
Mason: Phil is going to... speak to her.
Skipper: Biscuits and gravy! We didn't run a scenario for that!

Skipper: Kowalski, options.
Kowalski: A strategic retreat, Skipper?
Skipper: Explain.
Kowalski: It's like running away but manlier.
Skipper: Execute.

Max: It's Animal Control! They're after me! Do you have any idea what those maniacs do to stray cats? Do you?
Rico: Uh-uh.
Max: Me neither.
Skipper: Well, you're not finding out tonight.

Officer X: Pure kitty. No buts about it.
[Private snickers]
Officer X: I let the trail fall behind. They must have shaken my tail, sneaked out the backside and taken a rear exit.
[Private snickers some more]
Officer X: This ends here.
[Private laughs so hard he falls backwards]
Skipper: What's wrong with Private? I haven't seen him like this since our mission to Butztown, Pa.

Max: I can't thank you enough, you guys.
Skipper: Consider it a debt repaid, old friend.
Max: But isn't the outside wall still surrounded by Sergeant Psycho's booby traps?
Skipper: Not to worry. We've got a man on it.
Mort: [Bouncing from trap to trap] I'm expendable! Yay!

Skipper: Marlene, don't bring all your sappy emotions into this. This is love!

Mason: I don't know, Marlene, but I don't think that's quite the way to capture a chimp's heart.
[Suddenly the penguins pop out of a grate]
Skipper: You heard the chimp, men! We need a way to capture the lady chimp's heart. Kowalski, you...
Marlene: Hello? Mason came to me for advice, therefore it's my mission, not yours.
Kowalski: Ah, but use of the word "capture" automatically makes this a penguin operation.
Private: Sorry, Marlene. Those are the rules.

Madagascar (2005)
Skipper the Penguin: Africa? That ain't gonna fly!

Skipper the Penguin: [Looking at the shipping label on their crate] Kowalski. What does it say?
Kowalski the Penguin: I can't make it out, Skipper - it's an older code.
Skipper the Penguin: Not good enough.
[Looking over at Mason the Chimpanzee]
Skipper the Penguin: You! Higher mammal. Can you read?
Mason the Chimpanzee: No, but Phil can. Phil?
[Phil the Chimpanzee begins motioning with his hands, which Mason interprets]
Mason the Chimpanzee: Ship to... Kenya Wildlife Preserve... Africa.
Skipper the Penguin: Africa! That ain't gonna fly! Rico!
[Rico begins coughing and spits up a paper clip, with which he picks the lock on the crate. The penguins then escape and take over the ship]

[last lines]
Private the Penguin: Skipper. Shouldn't we tell them that the boat is out of gas?
Skipper the Penguin: Nah! Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
[all four penguins waving]

Skipper the Penguin: Well boys, it's going to be ice-cold sushi for breakfast!

Skipper the Penguin: Well, boys, our monochromatic friend's in danger. Looks like we have a job to do.
[directing Private]
Skipper the Penguin: Captain's Log: Embarking into hostile environment. Kowalski! We'll need to win the hearts and the minds of the natives. Rico! We'll need special tactical equipment. We're gonna face extreme peril. Private probably won't survive.
[Private's crayon tip breaks off and he looks up in shock]

Skipper the Penguin: You didn't see anything!

Skipper the Penguin: You, quadruped. Sprechen Sie Englisch?
Marty the Zebra: I sprechen.
Skipper the Penguin: What continent is this?
Marty the Zebra: Manhattan.
Skipper the Penguin: Hoover Dam! We're still in New York! Abort! Dive! Dive! Dive!

Gloria the Hippo: Where are the people?
Skipper the Penguin: We killed them and ate their livers.
Skipper the Penguin: Gotcha, didn't I? just kiddin', doll. The people are fine. They're on a slow boat to China.

Skipper the Penguin: Remember, cute and cuddly, boys. Cute and cuddly.

Skipper the Penguin: Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. Kowalski, progress report.
Kowalski the Penguin: [In a hole] We're only 500 feet from the main sewer line.
Skipper the Penguin: And the bad news?
Kowalski the Penguin: [laying a broken plastic spoon at Skipper's feet] We've broken our last shovel.
Skipper the Penguin: Right. Rico, you're on litter patrol. We need shovels, and find more Popsicle sticks. We don't want to risk another cave-in.
Private the Penguin: And me, Skipper?
Skipper the Penguin: I want you to act cute and cuddly, Private. Today we're gonna blow this dump.

Marty the Zebra: What are you guys doing?
Private the Penguin: We're digging to Antartica!
[Skipper smacks Private]
Marty the Zebra: An-who-tica?
Skipper the Penguin: Can you keep a secret, my monochromatic friend?
[Marty looks around and nods]
Skipper the Penguin: Do you ever see any penguins running free around New York City?
[Marty shakes his head]
Skipper the Penguin: Of course not. We don't belong here. It's just not natural. This is all some kind of wacked out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of Antarctica! To the wild!

Skipper the Penguin: Status.
Private the Penguin: [walking on the computer keyboard] It's no good, Skipper. I don't know the codes.
Skipper the Penguin: Don't give me excuses!
[slapping Private]
Skipper the Penguin: Give me results!
[to Kowalski]
Skipper the Penguin: Navigation!

Skipper the Penguin: Hoover Damn!

Skipper the Penguin: We've been ratted out, boys.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Out of the Groove/Jungle Law (#1.22)" (2009)
Mort: [Pops out of briefcase] Case open! REPLACE WITH:
King Julien: Without the electrically power, the zoo has now become... a jungle! And who is the king of the jungle?
King Julien: Okay, I'll give you a hint. He is also the king of the zoo and the outlying mid-town area. And it is me. Okay, no more hints.
Skipper: Negative! There is no such thing as jungle law.
King Julien: Oh, really? Perhaps everyone here might want to hear the opinionings of a certified jungle lawyer.
Maurice: [Wearing a tie and seating next to a briefcase, reading some papers] Ahem. All hail King Julien! Case closed.
Mort: [Pops out of briefcase] Case open!

Skipper: This is going to end very badly for you, Your Majesty. And when this jungle law does fail, I will have four sweet, sweet words for you.
King Julien: Oh! "I love King Julien"?
Skipper: No. "I told you so."

Skipper: Ah, King Ringtail. I believe I owe you some words.
Kowalski: In random order, they are: told, I, so, you.
Skipper: Allow me to unscramble.

Private: It's okay, Mort. We're not going to hurt you.
Skipper: Not true, Private. I did authorize lethal force.

Skipper: Attention, panicky mob! Clearly this is phase one in the space squid invasion. I'd advise you all to keep your heads. Space squids always start with the heads.
Marlene: Space squids? Guys, I think we're just having a blackout.
Skipper: That's just what the space squids want us to think, Marlene... if you truly are Marlene.
Mason: No, I believe she's right. The entire city is suspiciously dark.
Skipper: Well, I guess that's a perfectly logical explanation for... Hiyah!
[Grabs Marlene by the ankles and shakes her upside down]
Skipper: Show... your... tentacles... you... squid... spy!
Marlene: Ow! What the...! Let go!
Skipper: Her story checks out.

Skipper: What in the name of Eisenhower's oatmeal?

Skipper: Tiny lemur, the feet need you.

Skipper: Ah, hobby day. It's like taking a regular day and making it a Saturday.
Private: But Skipper, it is Saturday.
Skipper: Hmm, it's working already.

Skipper: This better be life or death, Ringtail, or we can arrange those stakes.

Skipper: [starts dancing] That ain't right! Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: Skipper, you seem to be shaking your booty.
Private: Quite impressively, I might add.
Rico: Uh-huh!
Skipper: I'm not doing this. Something's making me dance.
King Julien: You... you have my groove! It is not all bye-byed after all! Yes!
Skipper: Get it outta me!
King Julien: I don't know how.
Darla: Guess who does.
Mort: Is it Santa?
Darla: Yea... what? No! I'm the only one who can fix this. But am I gonna?
Mort: Santa would.
Darla: Well, I ain't Santa!
Private: What if Julien apologized?
Darla: That's all I'm asking.
King Julien: Have I not made my policy on apologizing clear? It is for the weak and wrong.
Skipper: Listen, Ringtail. I'm about to show you how weak and wrong you are. Apologize now.
King Julien: Uh-uh.
Skipper: Okay then. Let's dance!

Skipper: I don't get it. What in the world made me shake my tailfeathers like that?
Private: Maybe Darla's magic was real.
Kowalski: Don't be ridiculous, Private. Cold, hard science negates even the possibility of magic.
Private: Okay, then maybe Skipper has a dancer buried deep inside him.
Skipper: Magic's real. Case closed.
Kowalski: But science...
Skipper: Nope, I said case closed.

Skipper: Rigth, men. Jungle law has stunk up our zoo long enough. Time to apply some penguin-scented disinfectant to this mess.

Skipper: Well, Ringtail, I believe it's time I said a few words.
Private: Oh, no. He wouldn't. Not now.
Skipper: I... told... you... that this plan was brilliant!
King Julien: Say what?
Skipper: What his Majesty knew was that the biggest danger in a crisis situation was blind panic. So he set up this post-apocalyptic-wasteland scenario to keep our minds off of the blackout. Genius!

Private: Skipper, you gave up an "I told you so." That's the most noble thing I've ever seen.
Skipper: Sometimes, Private, you just have to set your sights a little higher.
King Julien: Yes! Praise me, for I am so much greater than any penguin could ever be!
Skipper: Rico, set the sights a little higher.
[Rico launches a watermelon from a catapult; it lands on Julien]
King Julien: Aah! I've been meloned!
Skipper: All hail the king.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Over Phil/Miss Understanding (#1.25)" (2009)
Alice: The penguin is native to Antarctica.
Smart Kid: Ooh, ooh, did you know a group of penguins is called a rookery?
Alice: It's a bird, but it doesn't fly.
Smart Kid: Did you know that penguins can swim 15 miles an hour?
Skipper: Keep an eye on Johnny Smart-glasses. The boy knows too much.
Rico: [gets behind the kid with a baseball bat] Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter, batter...
Skipper: Not yet. I wanna know where he gets his intel.
Smart Kid: Did you know the only way to tell boy penguins from girl penguins is a DNA test, huh?
Skipper: Never mind, boys. Kid's off his wingnut.
Skipper: Like we need some DNA test to tell us we're 100% Antarctic macho.
Rico: Hoo-ah!
Alice: Listen, kid! All I know is we've got three males and a female. The birds know which is which.
Rico: [looks down at his crotch] Um...

Skipper: Loogie hocking. That's how a real man gives a DNA sample. Am I right?

Skipper: Wrong. Wrong! Double wrong! Wrong infinity! There's no way I'm a female!
Kowalski: All right, what you are experiencing are the five stages of grief. Right now you're at stage one, denial.
Skipper: I am not! All I'm saying is, your stupid machine is wrong!
Kowalski: Well, it's based on scientific...
Skipper: Then science is wrong! And you're wrong! Everybody's wrong but me! I demand a different test!

Skipper: [the penguins are in their car] What's the hold up?
Kowalski: [looking at the zoo map] Hang in there, Skipper. I-I'm sure the zoo must have a ladies room somewhere. I just never really paid attention before.
Skipper: You know, we could just stop and ask for directions.
[the car stops]
Skipper: What is happening to me? Curse you, DNA!

Private: Let's try a little role playing. Pretend I'm Phil.
Mason: A bit of a reach, but very well.
Private: Now pretend I just made a mess.
Mason: Oh, Phil, another mess, which I have to clean up.
King Julien: No, no! That is all wrong!
[Jumps around like a monkey]
King Julien: Ooh, ooh! I sure do like a tire swing! Ooh!
Skipper: It's uncanny.
Kowalski: I know.
Private: Now do me!
King Julien: Okay
[Jumps like monkey again]
King Julien: Ooh, ooh! I sure do like stinky fish! Ooh!

Private: They're behaving like animals.
Skipper: Private, please. They're behaving like mammals. Let's not lump birds and reptiles in with this crowd.

[Skipper is blindfolded and holding a pin]
Kowalski: Take your time, Skipper. There is no right or wrong answer.
[Skipper puts a pin on the picture in front of him and takes off the blind fold; the picture has a monster truck on one side, and a pink pony on the other; the pin is on the pony]
Kowalski: Madam?
Skipper: Lies!
[attacks the picture]
Kowalski: I see we're in stage two, anger. Next, we should see bargaining.
Skipper: Hey, Private. How's about we trade DNA results? Come on.
Private: Skipper, I don't think that's how it...
Kowalski: Depression...
Skipper: [rolling on the floor, crying] My life is over! It's over! It's over, over, over!
Kowalski: And finally, acceptance.
Skipper: Well, I guess you got to play the hand you're dealt. Rico, hit me with a pretty pink bow.

Skipper: Friends, in peril. Danger, growing. Commander mojo, returning.
Maurice: My butt, frying!

Private: I think a wonderful way to begin would be to say something positive about Phil.
Mason: Very well. I am positive that Phil is disgusting and inconsiderate.
[Phil signs]
Skipper: What did he say?
Kowalski: No idea.
Mason: Go pound bananas?
Rico: Ooooh!
Kowalski: Tell it like it is, primate!
Skipper: You go!

Mason: Oh, you wouldn't understand! No one understands!
Skipper: You can't bear not having someone to clean up after, so you made messes for yourself.
Mason: Oh, I stand corrected. You understand completely.

Marlene: Skipper, girl stuff just means whatever you like to do. If you're into the commando stuff, being a girl doesn't change that.
Skipper: Of course not. It just means now I'm not good at it. Now, hit me with some chiffon, doll face. I've got a hankering to sew me some curtains.
[offstage commotion]
Marlene: That sounded like trouble. Shouldn't you go out there and do something?
Skipper: Land sakes, no! That sounded dangerous. Now, how about we stay here and gossip about boys?
[Marlene drags Skipper out by the bow on his head]
Skipper: Hey, that's no way to treat a lady!

Kowalski: But how could Alice be so wrong about there being a girl penguin?
Skipper: Ah, she's a mammal. Everyone knows they're all morons.
Marlene: What?
Private: [Holds Marlene back] We'll work on that one later.

Skipper: I think we all learned a valuable lesson here today. Boy, girl, what really matters is... how well you use a pink bow whip in a crisis situatuion.
Marlene: See, I don't think that was...
[Skipper snaps whip at her, she grumbles]

Skipper: What kind of sick mind would leave messes over and over?
Kowalski: I've worked out a profile of our perp.
[Shows outline drawing of chimp]
Skipper: I know that face.
Mason: [steps in front of profile] Good evening. Oh, another mess! Here, let me clean it!
Skipper: Stand back. This is a crime scene.
Mason: It's no trouble, really.
Kowalski: Somewhere in this mess, the perpetrator left a calling card. He might as well have signed his name.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: The Red Squirrel/It's About Time (#2.1)" (2010)
Skipper: Kowalski, progress report.
Kowalski: Nearing completion on escape tunnel 15, Skipper.
Private: Isn't that being overly cautious?
Skipper: Even better. It's full-blown paranoia!
Kowalski: No, I mean, we already have 14 escape tunnels. Isn't that enough?
Skipper: Manfredi and Johnson thought so. What was left of them came back in a manila envelope.
Kowalski: From Manila, ironically.
Skipper: There's no such thing as "too paranoid", Private. Remember that and forget you ever heard it.
Private: Um, I don't think that works the way you think it...
Skipper: Eyes on the flippers.

Kowalski: It's a time lock.
Skipper: Can you unlock it?
Kowalski: Well, it's high-tech inscription technology... from 1963.

Skipper: Okay, Kowalski, wow me.
Kowalski: Behold, a portal to times past. The Chronotron!
Skipper: So, it's a time machine?
Kowalski: Well, yes.
Skipper: So why not call it a time machine?
Kowalski: Sure, yeah. And while we're at it, let's call the Great Wall a fence, the Mona Lisa a doodle, and Albert Einstein Mr. Smartypants. Skipper, I don't think you're seing the big picture. With the Chronotron, we will be able to visit any period in history.
Skipper: Outstanding! Finally, those hippies can be stopped!

Skipper: Time travel. You just want to slap a hippie, but all you get is multiple Kowalskis.

Kowalski: Think of all the historical figures we'll be able to meet.
Skipper: Yeah, like... well, I just want to slap a hippie or two. Maybe even make them get jobs.

Kowalski: [From the future] Skipper, you've got to stop me!
Skipper: [Kicks Kowalski in the face] There, you're stopped.
Kowalski: Not me me! That me!
[points to present Kowalski]
Kowalski: I've got to destroy the Chronotron!
Skipper: There's two of you! You are from the future! Tell me, has the Earth become a post-apocalyptic wasteland swarming with irradiated mutants?
Kowalski: Uh, no.
Skipper: [Disappointed] Oh.

Kowalski: [after Rico stops the time disruption by throwing the Chronotron into it] But that shouldn't have worked! It breaks all known rules of science!
Skipper: And that's why we call Rico a maverick. He makes his own rules.

Skipper: Problem solved. Now go invent something that won't destroy the world.
Private: Like a snow cone machine.
Rico: Snow cone!
Kowalski: Snow cone, eh?
[Cut to New York submerged in snow cone]
Skipper: Kowalski! You maniac! You did it! You finally did it!
Kowalski: Yes, but you've got to admit, these are great snow cones.
Skipper: Oh, yes. Definitely worth it.

Skipper: Private, listen to me. There's a Kowalski from the future who...
Private: You have a future Kowalski? I have a future Kowalski! He says the time machine must be stopped.
Skipper: Well, mine says it has to be saved.
Private: Oh, dear. Which future Kowalski do we listen to?
Skipper: I say... the one who lets me slap a hippie!

Private: Don't you think we're taking things too far?
Skipper: Never mind this conversation...
[waves flippers in front of face]
Skipper: And forget it ever happened.
Private: I don't think that works the way you think it does.
Skipper: Eyes on the flippers.

Private: Skipper, what's in the sack?
Skipper: Our dirty laundry. Why? What's so suspicious about a penguin with a sack of laundry?
Private: Nothing, except we don't wear clothes.
Skipper: Well, yeah! Cause they're dirty!

Skipper: What happened? I thought we mapped this tunnel.
Kowalski: I'm not sure. This wall shouldn't be...
Kowalski: a vintage pass code lock
Skipper: Excellent work, Kowalski. But can you open it?
Kowalski: Well, it is state of the art hyper encryption technology... from 1963. Nailed it
Skipper: Move in cautiously, men. Rico, ominous background music.

Skipper: I know, right?

Skipper: That voice... That steely gaze.
Rockgut: You sugar puffs gonna stand there? Spill your tater tots. Where's the red squirrel?
Skipper: The red squirrel. Then you really are... Special agent Buck Rockgut.
Kowalski: The Buck Rockgut?
Private: Um, is that - is that some famous, then?
Private: Sweet ignorant Private, Buck Rockgut is our greatest american penguin hero. I've patterned my whole life after rotgut.
Kowalski: The bird who brought down penguin enemy number one: The red squirrel and may I say, it is honor, sir.
Rockgut: 86 the kiss-up, fauntleroy. let's get to brass tacks. I caught the squirrel, all right, but big red broke out, disappeared in the underground. so that's what I did too. 47 years I've been down in this bunker, waiting for the red squirrel to show his fluffy tail again. 47 years.
Rockgut: 47 years?
Rockgut: 47 years!
Private: Do you think the red squirrel would have shown up by now?
Skipper: Private.
Rockgut: College boy, huh? You see that bunker door? It only open when the red squirrel returns. Is it open now, dough boy?
Private: Yes.
Rockgut: Then red is back and you four lollipops are gonna help me find him.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: The Hidden/Kingdom Come (#1.10)" (2009)
Marlene: What in the world are you guys doing?
Skipper: I might ask you the same question, except for the guy part.

Skipper: You know, in Tasmania, cheating at Stomp The Wombat is a capital crime.

Skipper: Maurice, fill me in, three words or less.
Maurice: Well, well I...
Skipper: No capisce. Try four words.
Maurice: I don't think you...
Skipper: Make it five words.
Maurice: If you would just listen...
Skipper: All right, I'll give you six words, but we're wasting valuable time here.

Skipper: Quick, Marlene, describe the enemy terrain.
Marlene: It's kinda jungly. So that could be, let me think, what, South America? Africa? Asia? Maybe Australia?
Skipper: You gotta focus, Marlene! You just mentioned four of the eight continents.
Maurice: Uh, there are only seven continents.
Skipper: I count Atlantis. Trust me, lemur, if you had my security clearance, you would too.

Skipper: This next game was invented by double-jointed Hungarian acrobats from the Munich circus.

Marlene: I don't think these are the kind of creatures you can reason with.
Skipper: Dont' worry, Marlene. Neither are we.

Skipper: What's your sick and twisted game, Maurice?
Maurice: That's King Maurice, ruler of all I survey! Surrender to my supreme and mighty power!
Skipper: Well, that's going to be a bit of a problem. You see, I don't know the meaning of the word surrender.
Kowalski: Surrender is a verb, Skipper. It means to give up or yield... Oh, I see. Here' I'll do it myself.
[Slaps himself]

Marlene: I'm just heading over the the reptile house to welcome the new neighbors. No one's seen them yet. I figure they're just shy. You want to come with?
Skipper: Not without the proper recon, Marlene. We could be dead a thousand times over in that new habitat. Venemous vipers, bloodthirsty...
Private: Badgers?
Skipper: Flying piranha!
Marlene: Okay, yeah. Piranha don't fly.
Skipper: That's just what Manfredi and Johnson said back in Ecuador. We buried what was left of them with a teaspoon.

Skipper: Listen up, lemur. Maurice ate those bad nuts. He went off the deep end.
Kowalski: He's turned the lemur habitat into an armed fortress.
Private: He's enslaved the entire zoo!
King Julien: I cannot be believing my ears. Maurice ate my lychee nuts!

Maurice: But there has to be somebody for me to advise. There has to be a king!
Skipper: [Puts Julien's crown on Maurice's head] Ring-a-ding-ding, you're a king.
Maurice: What? I can't be the king! I'm just the king's right hand man. And when the right hand man becomes the man, then the king is left with no right...
Skipper: Listen up, lemur. Until Julien comes back, someone has to step up and take charge.
Maurice: But I...
Skipper: It's either you or Sad-eyes.
[Points at Mort, who is crying and swaying until he falls over]
Maurice: All right. But Julien will always be our one and only king.

Skipper: Marlene, I told you to leave this to us.
Marlene: No you didn't.
Skipper: In your mind, maybe.

Skipper: Pop quiz, troops! What can't we trust?
Kowalski: Three-day-old mung beans.
Skipper: Right. What else can't we trust?
Private: Badgers!
Skipper: What?
Private: Maybe that's just me.

Kowalski: Unknown hostiles with tentacles and feet.
Skipper: Again? If I had a nickel for every time...

Skipper: So, always listen to your gut.
Kowalski: Sorry, Skipper, that's an anatomical impossibility.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Roger Dodger/Skorca! (#1.17)" (2009)
Marlene: Hey, guys.
Skipper: Marlene, you really have to say something before you burst in on us like that.
Private: Luckily you didn't set off our habitat's new security grid.
Kowalski: Tear gas, blow darts, land mines, the whole enchilada.
Marlene: Isn't that a little severe?
Skipper: Is it? One of these days, you'll learn that there is only one universal language: force.
Kowalski: And math.
Skipper: Right. Force and math.
Marlene: Music, also.
Skipper: Force, math and music are really the only...
Private: Laughter?
[Skippers slaps Private]
Skipper: The point is, we speak fluent force around here, and we feel safer knowing that no one, and I mean no one, is getting inside our lair.

Private: I know what you're thinking. Private had too much sugar and dreamed up a flying whale that doesn't even exist.
Kowalski: Wow! That is what I'm thinking.
Skipper: Sugar dreams and mind-reading powers? How many Winkies did you eat?

Private: So, after Rico trounces the rats inside Roger's body, we switch them back?
Skipper: Exactly. It's 100% fool-proof.
Kowalski: More precisely, it's 2.7% fool-proof. There's a 97.3% chance that this will backfire and result in a horrific abomination that will be an affront to the most elemental laws of nature and the universe.
Skipper: I like those odds.

Private: But I really did see a skorca. You've got to believe me!
Skipper: And we wanna believe you, Private, but compare the evidence.
Kowalski: On the sugary-sugar side, we have a box of empty sugar cake wrappers and your own upset tummy.
Skipper: On the skorca's side, nothing. Less than nothing. Kowalski, what's a number less than nothing?
Kowalski: Uh... neg-finity.

Skipper: Don't test me, Rico. If I have to take down one of my own, I'll do it. Just ask Manfredi and Johns...
[Gets hit]

Skipper: Rico's never disobeyed an order before, not even the time I forced him to suck the cobra venom out of my left buttock.

Skipper: Maniac! Can't you see we share the same enemy?
Joey: Joey don't share.

Kowalski: A flying orca. It's like our worst nightmare brought to life.
Skipper: Interesting theory. Then whose nightmare is the giant waffle cone sundae?
[Points to giant balloon of ice-cream cone]
King Julien: Flee for your lives! How can we be safe from Two-scoopula, the ice-cream that walks like a man?
[Rico hands him a spoon]
King Julien: Oh, I guess that would do it.

Skipper: Roger, how did you get past our security field?
Roger: Me? Oh, I just came in through the front door. Right over there.
Kowalski: In that case, according to security protocol, you are either an enemy agent, or our guest.

Skipper: What in the name of Gandhi's nunchucks?

Skipper: That settles it. Private, you're on aerial recon duty tonight.
Private: By myself? All night?
Skipper: And with potential enemies coming from all sides. It's a solder's paradise.

Roger: But I tried everything. I asked them nicely, I baked them muffins...
[Rico grunts]
Skipper: Good point, Rico. Have you tried bashing their heads 'til they go crying to their little rat mamas?
Roger: Isn't that a little violent?
Skipper: If it's done properly.

Skipper: Kowalski, diagnosis.
Kowalski: Acute imaginosis of the frighty bone. Worse case I've ever seen.
Skipper: Is there any cure?
Kowalski: The effects of the sugar should wear off in less than five minutes.
Skipper: [Slaps Kowalski] That's five minutes too many. Give me results.
Kowalski: Well, the skorca is a pretend creature. So, if we pretend to defeat it, that should cure Private's sugar-stoked fantasies.
Skipper: Imaginary combat. I like it. Men, iniciate Operation Scaredy-Cat, now!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Needle Point/Eclipsed (#1.14)" (2009)
Skipper: This is just a routine visit to the doctor. Turn and cough, boys. Turn and cough.

Skipper: Think again, Doctor Deranged! I don't do needles.

Private: Skipper, something's wrong with the sun.
Skipper: He finally did it!
Private: Who did what?
Skipper: My mad dolphin nemesis, Dr. Blowhole! He blew out the sun!
Kowalski: Actually, according to my calculations, it is the rare cosmic event known as a solar eclipse.
Rico: Huh?
Skipper: Are you sure it's not the crazed handiwork of my marine mammal foe?
Kowalski: It's totally natural. The moon is between the sun and the Earth... Ooh, it's a total eclipse! Wow! Are you as totally stoked about this as I am?

Skipper: Kowalski, options.
Kowalski: We'll need a diversion. I suggest releasing the spider monkeys. Bedlam is their middle name.
Skipper: They never disappoint.
Kowalski: Amid the chaos, we escape through the south entrance.
Skipper: Good. And then?
Kowalski: Then, we get jobs as holiday store displays. When we've earned enough money, we build a new secret lair, one with laser beams.
Private: Ooh, laser beams!

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: I'm picking up good vibrations.

Skipper: That's it! No more mister nice guy.
Private: For you or Julien?
Skipper: Whatever works.

Skipper: Gentlemen, had this had been an actual tennis ball machine uprising, we would've lost. Game, set, match.

Skipper: Sounds like the sky spirits are sending you a message.
King Julien: But I am being extra crazy nice.
Skipper: New York sky spirits are fickle pickles.

Kowalski: Skipper, I have what you're looking for.
Skipper: Outstanding! So when's the next big eclipse?
Kowalski: From today, 27 years, in Brazil.
Private: Ooh, I've always wanted to go to Carnaval.

Private: Skipper, what are you doing here?
Skipper: Saving you from saving me.
Private: But really, I don't mind having another shot. I can always... turn the other cheek. He-he!
Skipper: You'll mind if it makes you sick. Or worse.
Private: How worse?
Skipper: You know, the chimps didn't say. I assumed you'll grow a second head or something.
Private: I don't want a second head!
Skipper: Then hurry, man! The doc will be here any second.
[Skipper tosses Private towards the window, but misses and he hits the wall; Private then climbs up to the window and turns to Skipper]
Private: You know, Skipper, none of us think any less of you for being afraid.
Skipper: Well, I do. That fear almost hurt a friend. Now get out of here, soldier.

King Julien: Just waiting for you to roll over so I can fluff up your pillow.
Skipper: Not necessary.
King Julien: It is okay, I'm prepared to wait all night.
Skipper: I like a hard pillow.
King Julien: Oh, I could be your pillow. My bottom is very soft and plushy, you know.

Private: I'm sorry, Skipper.
Skipper: Don't be sorry, Private. Be alert. You never know when our enemies will strike...
[Suddenly, cages drop on the penguins]
Skipper: What the ham steak?
Private: Um, Skipper, is this still part of the drill?

Skipper: [as Kowalski goes to get his shot] Be strong, Kowalski.
Kowalski: [Gets his shot] Good Galileo Galile-EEEEEEEEEE!
Skipper: The man's a butcher.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Go Fish/Miracle on Ice (#1.13)" (2009)
Private: Skipper, I hope this isn't insubordination, but I'm going to wipe the ice with you.
Skipper: I like your sass.

Skipper: Commence adorable high-jinks now! Go, go go!
Kowalski: Executing waddling with strange yet oddly-endearing body shakes.
Private: Pretending to lose my balance and face-plant into the pool now.
Skipper: I got belly sliding duty. Let's make it extra cute and cuddly today, boys.

King Rat: Aw, gee, bird. You don't look happy to see us.
Skipper: Well, we're not. So why don't you crawl back to that sewer you call a home?
Rat #1: Can't.
Rat #2: The pipes burst.
King Rat: There's a little too much sewer in the sewer. So we ain't going nowhere.
Kowalski: Uh, that's a double negative.
Skipper: Better make it a triple. You're out of here.

Skipper: How's the catch of the day, men?
Private: Looks fishy, Skipper.
Skipper: Fish are supposed to look fishy.
Kowalski: No, I think he means "fishy".
Skipper: Good "fishy" or bad "fishy"?
Private: [Shows Skipper the fish-shaped soy cakes] Definitely bad "fishy".

Skipper: Well, that was... What's the word I'm looking for?
Rico: Phbt!
Skipper: Yeah, that's the one.

Rico: [Weakly] Fish... fish!
Kowalski: 67 hours without the succulent, salty tang of the sea. He can't take much more.
Skipper: Neither can I.

Skipper: They're scoring again! Defense!
King Julien: Uh-uh-uh. It must be a cheer.
Skipper: [Cheering unenthusiastically] De-fense. De-fense. King Julien needs to play defense. Rah.
King Julien: Which fence? I see no fence.

Skipper: I want confirmation that there is food in that truck.
Private: [He and Rico are inside a K-9 unit truck] Affirmative, but it looks like the food is us!

Kowalski: This is Wienner One. Are we aborting mission? Repeat, are we aborting mission?
Skipper: Gentlemen, we are penguins. We have a natural need to feed on the fruits of the sea. That's the way Mama Nature built us. Now who wants to spit in the eye of Mama Nature?
[No one speaks]
Skipper: That's what I thought. We are go for operation!

Skipper: Kowalski! speak to me, man!
Kowalski: Just a knock on the old monkey bus.
Skipper: Kowalski?
Kowalski: No need to paint. I'm as flopsy-faced as ever.
Skipper: I... don't think you're fit for duty.
Kowalski: Flibbertigibbit, man! I'm as juxtaposed as the next hamburger.

Skipper: It turns out the cheerleader is not that crucial to hockey.
King Julien: So the game did not rest on my regal shoulders?
Skipper: Well, no, but it does now. Ringtail, this whole game has come down to you.
King Julien: Then I shall not be letting you down. I shall only be letting you up. Make way for King Julien, champion hockey... guy.

Skipper: Kowalski, adorability readings.
Kowalski: The readings show that the audience's adulation for our adorable antics is reaching optimum levels.
Skipper: Then hit them with the tail wags. No mercy!
[Penguins wag tails, audience aw]
Skipper: And cease tail wagging now! Always leave them wanting more.

Maurice, Mort: Every time the penguins score, it's King Julien we adore!
King Julien: Bring me on!
Skipper: You're not supposed to cheer for yourself.
King Julien: Oh, I'm not. They are.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Mr. Tux/Concrete Jungle Survival (#2.6)" (2010)
Skipper: Should I know you?
Amarillo Kid: Only if your name is Mr. Tux.
Skipper: Kowalski, my alias portfolio.
Kowlaski: Let's see... two-bit hood Mack the Knife, international playbird Diego Garcia, wealthy industrialist Lincoln Douglas... I'm not seeing a Mr. Tux here.
Skipper: Perhaps it was the time I woke up in that Kyoto hotel room, on a bed of counterfeit deutschmarks.

Skipper: Well, Private. What an unexpected dimension this adds to your character.
Private: Yeah, you see...
Skipper: I don't like it! I like my men one-dimensional. Works better for me.
[Rico hides his stamp collection and whistles non-chalantly]

Kowlaski: That manual must be in here somewhere.
Skipper: Here it is! Wait, this is for the microwave.
Kowlaski: Ooh, we have a popcorn setting?

King Julien: Ooh, he just made things interesting. Everyone, be interested!
Skipper: Don't tell me you're betting on this nutball!
King Julien: Well, technically I'm losing everything to this nutball, but I can't let that distract me from my game.

Skipper: [Private wakes up taped to a dumpster; he screams] At ease, Private. The beast can smell your fear. So can I. That is fear, right?
Private: So I'm supposed to fight the beast taped to this dumpster, am I?
Kowlaski: No. Rico just thought it would be funny.

Private: You mean you're not coming with me?
Skipper: This is your test, Private. No weapons, no help, you don't even get to know where you are.
Mort: I know where we are! I found a map on the way.
Maurice: You did not! That's a kiddie menu you found in the gutter.
Mort: I live in the hamburger.

Skipper: Kowalski, promotion analysis.
Kowlaski: Private risked his own life to rescue innocent captives from a demonic bus. That's plus 17 points.
Skipper: They were all lemurs. Minus 20.
Kowlaski: But he did bring back one primo souveneir.
Skipper: Well, congratulations, young Private. You have been promoted to Private... First Class.
[All cheer]
Skipper: Course we'll still call you Private. First Class is implied. Enjoy your classified joke access.
[Hands Private file; Private giggles as he opens file and reads it]
Skipper: I don't get it.

Skipper: [reading from a folder and laughing] That's classic!
Private: All right then, Skipper?
Skipper: At ease, Private. I was just laughing at a joke in our mission files.
Private: Is it a funny one?
Skipper: Oh, yeah.
Private: Can I see it, then?
Skipper: Classified!
Kowlaski: What's classified?
[Skipper shows Kowalski the file, he laughs]
Kowlaski: Classic.
Private: Well, why does Kowalski get to see it?
Skipper: Because he's got security clearance. We can't go around showing our classified information to just anybody. Rico! You gotta see this!
Rico: [Reads and laughs] Classic!

Private: Any more advice, trusty survival guide?
Skipper: [on recording] This recording will self-destruct... right now!
[Rico appears and beats up recorder with bat]
Rico: Good luck!

Skipper: Good luck, Private. If all goes well, we'll see you again at dawn, with the aforementioned souvenir in hand.
Kowlaski: And if not...
Kowlaski: Well... you'll be fine.

Skipper: Armadillos are all just whacked out from the scorching desert heat.

Skipper: Tonight you go mano-a-mano against the fiercest creature in the concrete jungle.
Private: A badger?
Skipper: Yes... wha? No!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: I Was a Penguin Zombie/Sting Operation (#1.23)" (2009)
Skipper: I don't like it. What do you make of it, Kowalski?
Kowalski: I'm not sure, Skipper. It could be anything.
Skipper: Oh really? Could it be Alaska?
Kowalski: Nooo... Its probably not A...
Skipper: Are you saying that Alaska might be stuck upside down to the clock tower of my zoo?
Kowalski: I guess...
Skipper: Because I think people would notice if the entire state of Alaska just packed up and moved to the zoo.
Kowalski: Alright! Maybe it couldn't be anything!
Rico: Wuuh.
Skipper: I'm sorry, boys. I sometimes resort to sarcasm when facing the unknown.
Kowalski: No duh.

[the penguins are fishing for condiments from a hot dog cart]
Kowalski: Onions, Skipper?
Skipper: No, thanks. I'm after the big catch: the elusive Polish sauerkraut.
[Others gasp]
Skipper: Hello, sauerkraut!
[the hot dog vendor closes the door on Skipper's line]
Skipper: Whoa, big fella!
[Skipper falls as the cart moves and pulls him out of the tree]
Skipper: You win this round, sauerkraut!

Hornet #1: Hey! Who pokes things? You like poke, ve poke, okay? I sting your face!
Kowalski: It's a hornet's nest, Skipper.
Hornet #1: Ooh, look who vin prize! You know vat prize is? I sting your face!
Skipper: Easy, stingtail. We don't want any trouble. We're just questioning your choice of nest location.
Hornet #1: I have question for you. Knock knock.
Skipper: Who's there?
Hornet #1: I sting your face!

Skipper: Okay, so they surprised us the first time. They took away our greatest weapons: stealth and superior tactics. But that ain't gonna happen twice.
Skipper: [Later, as they are chased away by the hornets] It happened twice! It happened twice!

Skipper: Stop! Stop!
Private: The zombie can speak!
Skipper: I'm... not a zombie.
Kowalski: But the infection. We heard the doctor say...
Skipper: Who are you gonna believe, some two-bit medicine man, or your own commanding officer?
Private: Can it really be true?
Kowalski: But how can we know for sure?
[Rico holds up chainsaw]
Private: Oh, Rico. Chainsaw's your answer to everything.
Skipper: Men, amigos, my brothers in black and white. Look at me! All I've got is a broken wing, and I'm pretty sure that's not contagious.
Private: Then why were you chasing us?
Skipper: Because it itches like sandpaper underpants. Rico, scratch maneuvers, double time.
[Rico approaches Skipper]
Private: No, Rico!
[the others tackle Skipper]
Kowalski: Nice try, zombie!
[They fall off the roof; cut to them in the vet's office]
Skipper: Okay, I stand corrected on the contagiousness of broken wings, but I did tell you I wasn't a zombie.

Skipper: Remember, the condiments are more scared of you than you are of them.

Skipper: This does not wash! We're penguins, they're insects. We've got the size advantage.
Private: But Skipper, they've got the owie advantage.
Rico: Owie!
Private: We can't take out their nest without entering a world of pain.
Skipper: Kowalski, were are we on eliminating pain?
Kowalski: Way ahead of you, Skipper. I have been perfecting a pain elimination helmet.
[Puts on helmet and taps it to activate it]
Kowalski: As you will see, the nerve inhibiting matrix will provide 100% protection from any kind of...
[Lets a cinder block fall on his flipper]
Kowalski: Aah! It's not perfected! Oh, it hurts! It hurts so bad!

Kowalski: Okay, let's get stupid!
[Turns on degausser on Private; he falls unconscious]
Kowalski: Private? Are you all right?
Skipper: Rico, my medical supplies.
[Rico coughs up two rubber gloves; Skipper slaps Private with them until he's conscious]
Private: Ooh, is that a cotton candy machine? I like cotton candy.
[Goes to machine and gets shocked]
Kowalski: Eureka! Stupid mission accomplished!
Skipper: All we need to do now is to point him towards the hornet's nest and...
Private: Oh, pretty shiny light machine.
Kowalski: No, not the degausser!
Private: [Turns on degausser and waves it over his head] I'm a disco penguin.
Kowalski: Be careful!
[the degausser drains all of their thoughts; they fall unconscious]
Private: Hello?
Kowalski, Skipper: I like degaussing!
[Rico laughs stupidly]
Kowalski, Skipper, Private, Rico: Yay!

Vet: Now, don't worry, little fella. I know you don't like the big, scary needles. This time we'll use a topical cream instead.
Skipper: Oh, yeah? You try anything and I'll cream your topical!

Skipper: All right, men. We've got an unauthorized gray lump. I need options.
Kowalski: This looks like a job for science!
[Cut to Kowalski poking nest with long stick]
Kowalski: Come on, science. Don't let me down.

Mort: You want me to talk to the bees?
Skipper: Hornets, and talking ain't gonna cut it. We need you to do something more decisive.
Mort: Kisses and huggies?
Kowalski: We... need you... to go up there... and remove... the hornet's... nest!
Mort: Then can I play in the bee's house?
Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, Private: Hornets!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Misfortune Cookie/Lemur See, Lemur Do (#1.16)" (2009)
Skipper: [Groaning] General Tso and his shrimp beat me tonight. Oh, well played, General.

Kowalski: When did you get a robot?
King Julien: Oh, do not be pretending, because I know it was you that sent this machine to mock me. Quit it!
Skipper: Well, Ringtail, we are working on a mocking you scenario.
Kowalski: Operation: Mock Julien.
Skipper: But it's still in the lab. It's still at Mach 2. We like to get to Mach 8 before implementation.

Skipper: Kowalski, report.
Kowalski: The robot...
Rico: Boom.
King Julien: Aaaagh! What - what has been done by you to my poor Lemmy?
Kowalski: Well, we... It was an accident.
Private: We didn't mean to blow him up.
Rico: Kablamo!
King Julien: He was the only robot I was ever loving.
Skipper: We're sorry, Ringtail. We just knew what was best.
Rico: Kablamo!
King Julien: Kablowing him up was the best?
Rico: Kablamo!
Skipper: Okay, we said we knew what was best. We just didn't do what was best.
[Julien leaves, crestfallen]
Rico: [Sadly] Kablamo.

Skipper: Don't play dumb with me, ringtail!
King Julien: Who says I am playing?

Private: Skipper, I feel bad about this.
Skipper: Same here, young Private.
Kowalski: It's as if there's a deep, dark abyss in the center of your soul, and all that is light and good in the world is slipping into it.
Rico: Yup.
Kowalski: This must be what it feels like when you've done the wrong thing.
Private: We've never done the wrong thing before. I don't like it.

Skipper: This is madness. Utter madness! That robot has to be decisive, forceful, able to take down an armed space squid from 50 yards.
Private: Right.
Skipper: You can't boogie your way out of a Martian invasion. Those space squids play for keeps.
Private: But what can we do about it?
Skipper: We need to extract that robot away from Julien's sick schooling, and teach him the penguin way.
Kowalski: Yes! We are getting a robot!
Skipper: Affirmative.
Private: But how do we get the robot away from Julien?
Mort: [Steps out of the shadows, speaks in onminous tone] Leave that to me.
Skipper: Um... okay.
Mort: [Cheerful] Really?

Kowalski: Ah, here we go! We can replace Rico's brain with a wombat's!
Skipper: How would that help?
Kowalski: [Holds brain in a jar] I don't know, but I've got to do something with this.

Skipper: Rico, get a hold of yourself. Fortunes don't mean anything.
Private: But Skipper, yours did.
Skipper: That's called the exception that proves the rule.
Private: And mine.
Skipper: The other exception that...
Private: And Kowalski's
Skipper: All right, they were exceptional cookies! That still doesn't mean anything.

Skipper: Guys, we've just made a very spoiled, very obnoxious lemur very happy.
Private: And that's a good thing... innit?

Marlene: You want your fortune read, Rico?
[Rico spits out his fortune and gives it to Mason; Phil reads it and signs something]
Mason: Egad, are you sure you're reading that correctly?
Marlene: What's it say?
Mason: Uh... your smiles are like rays of sunshine, warm and inviting. My, look at the time, we must dash.
Skipper: Hold on, chimp! I smell monkey business.
Mason: You do?
Skipper: Yeah, I do. Rico, smile.
[Rico smiles]
Skipper: That is not a warm and inviting smile.
Kowalski: More like creepy and unsettling.

Mason: I say, would you like Phil and I to read your fortune?
Skipper: Knock yourself out.
Mason: [Interpreting for Phil as he signs what the fortune says] Your decisive skills make you a natural born leader.
Skipper: That's nice, but what does the cookie say?
Mason: That is what it says.
Skipper: Oh. That is one perceptive cookie.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Can't Touch This/Hard Boiled Eggy (#2.3)" (2010)
Skipper: A biter in the petting zoo? Just when you think you've seen all the sick the world can throw at you.

Skipper: Men, I have here a fresh scarlet snapper, and it's yours for the taking. All you have to do is come and get it.
Private: But Skipper, the floor's covered with mousetraps.
Skipper: Razor-sharp observation there, young Private.
Kowalski: This will complicate fish acqusition.
Skipper: This snapper goes to whoever has the wits, the cunning, and the agility...
[Rico just rushes through and takes the fish, covered in mousetraps]
Skipper: Or Rico. It goes to Rico.

Randy: Is somebody there?
Skipper: Yes, somebody's here. Your worst nightmare!
Randy: A flying coyote with eye laser beams?
Skipper: Huh? No! Four angry penguins.
Randy: Phew! Cause if coyotes ever develop flight and eye laser technology, it's game over, you know?

Skipper: What I mean is this dangerous penguin business, and you are not ready, period. Or possibly even exclamation point. Kowalski, punctuation options.
Kowalski: I suggest the Spanish inverted. ¡Muy fuerte!

Kowalski: Well, I call that mission accomplished. So, what do we do with the rest of our day?
Private: Oh! We could get temporary tattoos, and, um, motocycle club nicknames.
Rico: Vroom! Vroo-vroo-vroom, vroom!
Kowalski: I'll be Bobby Thunderskull!
Skipper: All in favor of Private's tattoos and nicknames plan say...
Maurice: [offscreen] Waaugh!
Kowalski: Waaugh! Um... we should probably do something.

Skipper: Fallen lemur, what happened?
Maurice: I don't know. Something came flying out of nowhere and wham, I'm flat on my butt.
King Julien: And I am left to apply my own eye vegetables, which is the real tragedy. Mort, weep for me. My eyes are exhausted from all the cucumbering.
Mort: [Tries to cry, but when he can't puts onions on his eyes] My eye vegetables are burny!

King Julien: Eggy? Is this my J.J, whom I raised from a little lemur egg to be a mighty lemur prince?
King Julien: [singing] Me and my J.J. / With me he will stay-ay / And we will...
Skipper: Great! Now that's in my head all day.

King Julien: Let me see if I am standing under this. You want to borrow Mort to help a guy I care nothing about, so he can get to a "fa-arm"?
Skipper: That is the plan.
King Julien: No! You cannot borrow Mort!
Mort: Yay! King Julien loves me!
King Julien: You cannot borrow Mort because "borrow" means you will be bringing him back. Bye-bye, Mort.
[Pushes Mort away]
Mort: See? That's a love shove.

Skipper: Men, I need options. And not our regular options. The options we bust out for special guests.
[Rico barfs out a balloon]
Skipper: I admire your moxie, Rico, but I think we should save the victory party until after.
Kowalski: Skipper, I think what Rico means is to rub the balloon on Randy's coat to create a static charge that will prove most shocking.
Rico: Yep-a-doodle!
Skipper: Oh, well then, go for it.

Kowalski: He's putting on an adorably phoney British accent.
Skipper: Just like the Private.
Private: Phoney? This is how I really talk!
Skipper: Sure it is... guv'na.

Skipper: Exercise complete.
Kowalski: As I suspected. A stuffed bunny.
Skipper: Yes, but why didn't you hit it?
Kowalski: What? But it's...
Private: We thought this was an exercise on where to apply force.
Skipper: Oh, it was.
[a crossbow pops out of the bunny]
Private: How did you get a crossbow inside...
Skipper: I know a man in Havana. He doesn't ask questions, and neither do I.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: What Goes Around/Mask of the Raccoon (#1.21)" (2009)
Skipper: Ah, closing time. Are there two sweeter words known to man or beast?
Private: Puppy love?
Rico: Ka... boom?
Kowalski: Plutonium-fueled-DNA-mutating-abomination-monster maker.
Rico: Huh?
Kowalski: The first word's hypenated.
Skipper: Yeah, yeah, all good. But the words I was thinking of were...
Little Girl: My dolly!
Private: [snickering] Skipper?
Skipper: That wasn't me! That was...
Little Girl: I lost my dolly!
Skipper: Hot-molded plastic! Dolly down! Rescue operation is a go, go, go!

Kowalski: [about Officer X's van] So wild. So free. But I know I can tame her!
Skipper: We'll never make it to the zoo with that steel psychomobile on our tail. Men, we've got to take that van out.
Kowalski: [Struggling] No! Yes. You're right. The van must... go! I need a minute.

Officer X: I loved that van!
Kowalski: Yes, we all loved the van! You think you're the only one hurting?
Skipper: Let it go, Kowalski!

Skipper: You see, once you show the Universe who's boss, things just work out.

Skipper: Let's not rush to judgement. My team will conduct a thorough investigation. Then, when all the facts are in...
[Rico bursts in babbling excitedly]
Kowalski: Someone stole our TV!
Skipper: ...Then we're gonna nail that thief to the wall!

Skipper: [Corners the Archer on top of an ostrich] We can do this the easy way, or we can do this...
[the Archer plucks a feather from the ostrich, causing it to run; Skipper falls off as the Archer rides away]
Skipper: Oh, have the decency to let me finish!

Archie: [Corners Skipper with a plastic knife] You are a worthy adversary, monsieur, but I must bid you adieu.
Skipper: [Takes knife and corners the Archer] You can keep your dieu. You're not going anywhere.

Fred: Of course, if you wanted to see a raccoon, you could always go see Archie.
Skipper: Archie?
Fred: Yeah, Archie. That guy's a lousy, back-stabbing cheat. He's my best friend.

Archie: [French accent] Oh, Skipper, mon ami! What a pleasant surprise...
Skipper: Don't mon ami me! You took advantage of our good nature!
Kowalski: Not to mention all the citizens of the zoo.
Archie: [Drops accent] Look, it's not what you think...
Private: Even your charming French accent... was a lie! How could you?
Archie: Yeah, about that. Well, you see... Look out! Leopard seal!
Skipper: Hit the dirt!
[the penguins duck, as Archie runs away]
Skipper: Blast! He duped us.
Kowalski: And we fell for it like a couple of first-year hatchlings.

Private: You're a dirty, dirty liar! And your pants are on fire!
Rico: Whoa!
Private: And - and you go jump up and touch a telephone wire! That's what a dirty liar you are!
Skipper: Stand down, Private. We'll take it from here.
Archie: Thanks. Some of those things he said were really hurtful.
Skipper: Mister, you're just entering a world of hurt! Kowalski, hurt options.
Kowalski: The Vulcan towel snap?
Skipper: Possibly. Go on.
Kowalski: The Spanish wet willie?
Skipper: Intriguing.
Kowalski: The Croatian purple nurple?
Skipper: Bingo! Gentlemen, we have a winner. Rico, do the honors.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Otter Gone Wild (#1.18)" (2009)
Skipper: Kowalski, baloney detector reading.
[Rico spits out a slice of bologna and pokes a hole through it; Kowalski scans Marlene through the hole]
Kowalski: Skipper, I'm detecting dangerous levels of baloney.
Skipper: Marlene, do I need to call you a phoney baloney?

King Julien: Oh, hello. Did you miss me?
Skipper: Not as much as you might think.

Skipper: Somebody wanna tell me what just happened here?
Kowalski: The answer is obvious. Marlene has fallen victim to... the mind control satellites that circle our Earth. Protective headgear, everyone!
Private: Gee, I think she's just gone wild.
Skipper: Right. I'm declaring red level emergency. Search and rescue, men.
Private: Um, Skipper? does this mean we're not getting snow cones?
Skipper: Private! How can you even ask that at a time like this?
[Cut to the penguins eating snowcones]

Skipper: Will she ever be the same?
Kowalski: Possibly, but it might take months, perhaps even years until she returns to her former self.
Marlene: Um, guys? Why am I in a cage?
Kowalski: Or maybe we just need to bring her home.
Skipper: Marlene, are you okay?
Marlene: I'm in a cage, so, not okay.
Kowalski: You don't remember anything that happened ouside the zoo?
Marlene: No.
Kowalski: Skipper, there's a scientific term for this: weird.

Skipper: The truth is, there is nothing to fear from the outside world.
Kowalski: Other than random street crime...
Private: And natural disasters...
Kowalski: Industrial accidents...
Private: Badger attacks...
Skipper: Are you two finished?
Kowalski: Falling space debris? Um, I'm finished.

Skipper: Kowalski, tell me you packed the climbing gear.
Kowalski: Sorry, Skipper. No room with all the trail mix.

King Julien: Outside, outside, outside! What is the big deal? Where is...
[Trips and gets his head stuck in a tree]
King Julien: Hey, where is the outside?
Kowalski: We could leave him there.
Skipper: Tempting, but it violates the penguin code.
Kowalski: Oh, yeah.

Skipper: It's all come down to me... again.

King Julien: Now that you are much less growly, I accept your invitation of courtship.
Marlene: What?
King Julien: Don't you remember being madly in love with me?
Marlene: No! Ew! Ew!
King Julien: You know what? I think you do remember, and you are playing it off. That's it, you are trying to play it off and lift yourself higher, but it is not working. See? Everyone's looking. The female of the species, any species, who is understanding them?
Skipper: I hear ya, brother.
[They all leave, leaving Marlene behind in the cage]
Marlene: Um, guys? I thought we were getting snow cones. Guys?

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Tangled in the Web (#1.8)" (2009)
Marlene: A computer is a machine the people use to avoid work, mainly by watching silly little videos.
Maurice: You're saying those cameras are there so the whole world can watch us?
Skipper: Like hawks!
Kowalski: Except for the swooping down and devouring us part.
Private: Hopefully.

Skipper: Kowalski, recon. What do you see?
Kowalski: [Seeing through binoculars] Not sure. The enemy must have some sort of cloaking device.
Skipper: [Removes lenscap from binoculars] How about now?

Skipper: We don't have much time. Kowalski, counterspying scenario, si'l vous plait.
[Kowalski draws up a plan and shows it to Skipper]
Skipper: Outstanding!
[camera moves]
Skipper: Blast! The enemy saw it. Better think up another plan.
[Kowalski draws another plan]
Skipper: Oh, even better than the first one!
[Camera moves]
Skipper: Blast! The enemy saw this one too.

Skipper: This madness ends now!
Private: Hello, Skipper. Care for a bite?
Skipper: We're busting you out, Private.
Private: Oh, I don't think that's possible, Skipper. Between the slipping and the falling I'm booked solid.
Skipper: Just as I feared. You've been brainwashed.
Private: I've been brainwashed?
Skipper: Yes, you've been brainwashed.
Private: [droning] Brainwashed.
Skipper: You don't want your brain washed.
Private: I don't want my brain washed.

Skipper: Here's the plan: we give them zip. Nobody move a muscle.
Private: Uh, Skipper? I-I really need to...
Skipper: Go, go, go!
[Private leaves; offscreen toilet flush; Private returns]
Private: Much better. Thank you.

Skipper: Hold formation!
[Cut to night time; all are asleep]
Skipper: [Yawning] Hold... formation. Just a few more years of this and we're in the clear.

Private: [starting to crack with hunger] The tastetiness!
Skipper: We're losing Private. Rico, talk some sense into him.
[Rico slaps Private]
Private: Thanks, Skipper.
Skipper: I knew you'd listen to reason.

Skipper: Glad to have you back, Private.
Private: Thanks, Skipper. Although I do miss the Flippy lifestyle.
Skipper: Still a little brainwashed, I see? Rico?
[Rico slaps Private]
Private: Much better, Skipper.

Skipper: Don't you get it? They're trying to get inside our heads, stealing our secrets.
Marlene: Wait, what?
Skipper: Stealing our secrets!
Marlene: No, they're not. It's just for fun.
Skipper: They've gotten to you! There's no one we can trust, boys. Rico!
[Rico regurgitates a smoke screen bomb; they escape under the cover of the smoke]

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Night and Dazed/The Big Squeeze (#2.10)" (2010)
Skipper: You do know about koalas, do you, Private?
Private: Aside from their fuzzy cuteness, no.
Skipper: Me neither. Kowalski, enlighten us.
Kowalski: Koala: a herbivorous nocturnal marsupial.
Skipper: In Americano, please.
Kowalski: They eat nothing but leaves, the ladies carry their young in pouches, and they sleep all day.
Skipper: Oh. A hippie.

Skipper: I wasn't born yesterday. If I were, I'd be in diapers. Which apparently I am not.

Kowalski: What would Leonardo DaVinci do?
Private: Paint a haunting portrait of a woman smiling enigmatically?
Skipper: Couldn't hurt, I guess.
Kowalski: [makes a flying device out of trash] Create and innovate!

Private: I was just trying to help.
Leonard: You call this helping? What's your idea of not helping?
Skipper: You don't want to know.

Private: We're just trying to help.
Leonard: Help? You want to help? Then don't help!
Skipper: We don't take orders, we give orders.
Kowalski: Yes, that is the traditional rescuer-rescuee relationship.

Marlene: Hey, guys. What's with the teddy bear?
Skipper: That's classified, because I don't want to talk about it.
[Night falls and Leonard wakes up]
Marlene: Hey, little guy.
Leonard: Oh, no! You're the otter! Back off!
[Runs away]
Marlene: Uh, what just happened?
Skipper: Looks like you have a reputation, Marlene.

Kowalski: It appears to be a Hoboken surprise.
Private: Maybe it's a unicorn!
Skipper: Private, the transfer is from New Jersey, not Rainbow Ponyland.

Private: How come I always have to be the bait?
Skipper: Because you're gullible and expendable. That's a two-fer.

Skipper: You like mammals? Meet Burt.
Burt: The world's largest land mammal, FYI.
Savio: Please, I couldn't eat another bite.
Burt: You got that right!
[Picks up Savio with his trunk and swings him back and forth]

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Popcorn Panic (#1.12)" (2009)
Skipper: Look alive, men. Time to get us some popcorn. Prepare to commence Operation: Popcorn.
Kowalski: A bit on the nose, isn't it, Skipper?
Private: Easy to remember, though.
Rico: [Mumbling] Popcorn!
Skipper: Roger that, Rico.

Skipper: Regurgitated. Just like momma used to make.

Skipper: Failure is not an option.
King Julien: Which is fine by me, because I do not intend to fail. I vow to do the opposite of fail.
Marlene: You mean succeed?
King Julien: No, I will not suck seed. No one will be sucking seed.

Kowalski: [Looking at a zoo directory] According to this symbol, which appears to be Aztec in origin, you are here.
Skipper: Tell me something I don't know.
Kowalski: Without muccus, your stomach would digest itself.
Skipper: Tell me something else I don't know. Something less... disturbing.

Skipper: Keep your stiking opposable thumbs off our popcorn!
King Julien: This is ours. Mort found it. Right, Mort?
Mort: [Under bag] Uh-huh.
King Julien: Finders keepers. Ha ha!
Skipper: Kowalski, legal analysis.
Kowalski: He's got you, Skipper. It's the Finders Keepers Treaty of 1859.
Skipper: Blast! Secure another bag, men.

Skipper: We can do this the easy way, or we can do this Rico's way.

Skipper: Maybe you didn't get the memo, punk, but This zoo operates on democratic principles, and I don't think we put you in charge. Did we?
[Kowalski shakes his head]
King Julien: How could I not be in charge? Being in charge is what kings do. So shut up.

King Julien: Okay, my kingly plan is coming to me. First, obviously, we must get rid of that insane zookeeper Alice.
Skipper: Negatory. You'll just get more Alices in her place.
Kowalski: A lot more Alices.
Skipper: Give us the number, Kowalski.
Kowalski: 42.
Skipper: Good. You can show me your math later.

Kowalski: Snack storage facility at 11 o'clock.
Skipper: Blast, it's already 10:57. We don't have much time.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Mort Unbound/Roomies (#1.15)" (2009)
Skipper: Kowalski, just what are we looking at here?
Kowalski: Isn't it obvious?
Private: Looks like a regular old fish to me.
Kowalski: That's because it is.
[Private turns to Rico, who shrugs "I don't know"]
Skipper: Fantastic. Uh, thanks for clearing that up, Kowalski. Meeting adjourned.
Kowalski: No, wait! It's a regular fish now, but when I zap it with my super ray, it will be a super fish. When we eat the super fish, we will get stronger bones, denser muscle mass, and best of all, remarkably shiny feathers.
Skipper: Aces, Kowalski! And here I thought you'd finally cracked.
[to Rico]
Skipper: Keep an eye on him. I think he's finally cracked.

Marlene: Here's a little something I try to keep close to my heart. Try to look for the best in people, because you'll always find it.
Skipper: That's cute and naive, Marlene. Manfredi and Johnson were cute and naive - well, Manfredi was the cute one - 'till the little Nairobi surprise party.

Skipper: Kowalski tell me you've got that antidote figured out.
Kowalski: Yeah, I... got nothing. No matter what I do, the formula's molecular structure fails to achieve low-energy orbitals.
Private: [tastes the antidote] Hmm, tart. Have you tried adding sugar?
Kowalski: Private, please. This is an intricate problem that requires that...
[gasps in realization]
Kowalski: Sugar! Of course! That's the answer! The monosaccaride will stablelize the entire solution!
Skipper: [high-ones Private] Good work, Private.
Private: Yes, well, I thought it needed the monostereo... thing.

Skipper: Stay alert, men. We might not be dealing with 115.384 otters at all. We could be dealing with one enormous mutated 1,500-pound otter.
Kowalski: Or we could be dealing with six fairly large, semi-mutated 250-pound otters.
Private: Or 1,500 tiny one-pound otters. Right, Skipper?
Skipper: I like where your head's at, Private.
Marlene: Yeah, it's so not an otter.
Skipper: Is it because of how horribly mutated it is?
Marlene: What? No! Because it's a walrus.
Kowalski: For the record, is this walrus mutated in any way?

Skipper: What you lemurs do with your feet is your own business. But when you terrorize the entire zoo, it becomes ours.
Private: Um, Skipper, seeing as we turned Mort into the threat, isn't it already our problem?
Skipper: Not now, Private.

Skipper: Kowalski, options.
Kowalski: Only one, Skipper. Close your eyes so you don't see it coming.

Skipper: Well, I guess she wasn't a spy after all.
Kowalski: Marlene, have you seen my invention anywhere?
Marlene: It's right over... that is it was... lying right over... there?
[Cut to Rhonda in the crate, holding Kowalski's invention and speaking into a walkie-talkie]
Rhonda: [British accent] This is Agent 12 calling Dr. Blowhole with a priority one coded alert. Take me out to the ball game. Repeat, take me out to the ball game. Agent 12 out.

Skipper: As far as you're concerned, I am nobody.

Skipper: What the deuce?

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Gone in a Flash (#1.0)" (2008)
The Skipper: Private, these sardine smoothies are top-notch. What's your secret?
Private: Love, sir. I made them with love.
The Skipper: Love?
Kowalski: It's a chemical reaction in the brain inducing bliss. Highly addictive.
The Skipper: [knocks the smoothie from Rico's wing] No more love in the smooties! We gotta stay sharp. The concrete jungle is an elusive mistress who may call us into action at any given moment.

The Skipper: Your lower mammal brains don't seem to comprende.

The Skipper: All right, boys. Let's leave the madman to his madness.

The Skipper: I find reason tedious and boring. We'll use force.

[Maurice and the penguins are in a subway railroad]
Maurice: Gotta... rest.
The Skipper: No dice. We need to be back at the zoo by 0900.
Kowalski: Which doesn't give us much time.
Private: We should go faster.
Maurice: There is no way I can go any faster.
The Skipper: Oh, I'll bet the old D-train will change your tune.
[the penguins slide along the rails]
Maurice: The what?
[a subway train approaches; Maurice runs faster to avoid it]

Kowalski: I suggest we enlist Doris the dolphin to use her echolocation skills to track the missing lemur.
The Skipper: Forget it, Kowalski. She's useless on land. Besides, Doris only likes you. She doesn't "like you" like you.

The Skipper: Sounds like someone has a case of the prelaunch heebie-jeebies.

The Skipper: Scuff marks from a portly lemur. My guess, he stumbled backwards. But why?
Kowalski: Perhaps a localized seismic event of unknown origin, Skipper.
Private: Or maybe the camera's flash blinded him.
The Skipper: Sounds a little preposterous, Private. But just in case... Kowalski, run a temporarily blinded portly lemur scenario, pronto.
Kowalski: Stand right here, Rico.
[after some calculations, pushes Rico off the ledge; he bounces off the inflatable castle and lands on a trashcan]
Kowalski: That confirms our target fell into this waste receptacle.
The Skipper: El excelente! I know exactly what happened. Into the can, men.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: The Falcon and the Snow Job/The Penguin Stays in the Picture (#1.29)" (2010)
King Julien: A predator! Quick, Maurice! Activate the falcon shield!
Maurice: Right away, your highness.
[Maurice puts Mort tied to a stick in front of Kitka]
Skipper: What's with Sad-eyes?
Maurice: [Smears sauce on Mort] Barbecue sauce?
Mort: I'm yummy with cornbread.
King Julien: If you still have room for dessert, you can eat the dumpy one too. He will not mind.
Maurice: [Stammering] Say what?

Skipper: Why, Miss Kitka. Is that our hollowed bone structure, or are we dancing on air?

Private: Skipper, hasn't Kitka's behavior seemed a little strange this week?
Skipper: Strangely attractive, or strangely compelling?
Kowalski: Skipper, I believe Private meant strange in the "Oh, sweet mercy, we are going to be torn to shreds and swallowed into a churning cauldron of digestive juices!" sort of way.

Skipper: A huntress, eh? Winged mistress of the skies. Enchante, Miss...
Kitka: Kitka. Sorry if I frightened you.
Skipper: Frightened? Ha! Ma'am, I eat fright for breakfast.
Kowalski: With skeleton marshmallows.

Skipper: Well, I hope you all learned something about not judging others. Miss Kitka is clearly a fine, non-zoo-animal-eating citizen.
Kitka: That's right. I only ate one squirrel, and he wasn't even from the zoo. Oh, excuse me a sec.
[She barfs up Fred the squirrel]
Fred: It's a nice flight, but the snacks in there are terrible.
Skipper: I think we should see other people.

Skipper: You guys haven't gotten to know Miss Kitka like I have. She's a beautiful huntress of the skies, with razor sharp talons and a beak that could cut through battleship steel. Hiya! Ping!

Skipper: Incoming missile!
Kitka: Look out!
Private: Skipper, did that missile just tell us to look out?
Skipper: What kind of fresh madness is this?

Skipper: Forget it, you two. They always pick Private. Adorableness is his secret weapon.
Marlene: Secret weapon?
Skipper: Sure, we all have one. Mine is fearless moxie, Kowalski's is scientific genius, Rico's is psychotic derangement, and Private's is adorableness.
Private: Gee, Skipper, I think anyone can be on the cover. All you have to do is believe.
[Everyone awws]
Skipper: See? Secret weapon.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Zoo Tube/Snakehead! (#1.27)" (2010)
Skipper: Silly ducks. Birds eat fish, not the other way around.

Skipper: All right then, just this once, I'll fudge the entire incident from my report.
[turns on recording machine]
Skipper: Skipper's log. The crew is performing spectacularly, and not at all like a bunch of nancy cats.

Skipper: Don't tell me you're all afraid of a little fish.
Kowalski: Not just any fish, Skipper. The snakehead trout. It's an invasive species that devours everything in its path, leaving nothing but despair and tragedy in its wake.
[Private, Rico and Kowalski look at picture of trout and run away screaming]
Skipper: It's... a... fish! We... eat... fish!
Kowalski: Yes! But this unholy beast flips the very order of nature.
Private: It's as if our dinner is having us for dinner!

Kowalski: I have an idea, but I'm not sure how safe it is.
Skipper: I like it already.

Skipper: Steady, men. On my mark, prepare to...
Kowalski: Fire everything!
[the penguins fire all the weapons on the ship]
Skipper: Did I say fire all weapons?
Kowalski: No, but I could see where you were going with it.

Private: Teeth! So many sharp, jagged teeth!
Kowalski: It was those black, soulless eyes that got me.
Skipper: Rico, get a load of these two yellow bellies.
Rico: [cowering behind a block] Yeah! Yellow bellies. He-he.
Skipper: Don't tell me you're afraid too.
Rico: Uh-huh!

Marlene: [the penguins are watching TV; Marlene steps in front of it] Guys, there's a rumor going around that they're closing down the zoo, permanently!
Private: Doesn't that otter on TV look just like Marlene?
[Kowalski and Rico mumble in agreement]
Skipper: Nah. Marlene has a giant, misshapen...
[Marlene turns off TV]
Skipper: Marlene! How did you get in here?

Mason: [pulls out camcorder] Phil and I recently liberated this from Lost and Found.
Skipper: Video! I like where your head's at, simian. Simple blackmail.
Mason: Actually, I just thought we could make a commercial to show off some of the animals at the zoo.
Marlene: And then what? We climb a giant space ladder, hook it up to a satellite and broadcast the commerical all over the city?
Kowalski: Marlene, that's brilliant! You may have a future in science.
Marlene: Oh, really... You think?
Kowalski: I'ts so obvious. Why didn't I think of it? Skipper, do you mind?
[Skipper slaps Kowalski]

"The Penguins of Madagascar: All King, No Kingdom/Untouchable (#1.24)" (2009)
King Julien: Hello, friendly penguins! Eh, I was wondering if you could make this melon split open for me.
Skipper: Rico, slice.
[Rico spits out a knife and hacks the melon in two with it]
Skipper: There you go, Ringtail. Service with a psycho smile.

King Julien: No one loves me!
Skipper: Oh, now that's not...
King Julien: much as *I* love me.
Skipper: Oh. Well, that is true.

Kowalski: Without friends, his psyche snapped like Snappy S. Snapperton, snappiest person in Snappidelphia, son of Snap Snapperton, snap photography specialist...
Skipper: Rico?
[Rico slaps Kowalski]
Kowalski: Thanks.

Private: What are we going to do, Skipper?
Skipper: Kowalski has been working on a little top secret project. It's untested, maybe even dangerous.
[Starts pushing a series of complicated controls]
Skipper: Prepare yourself for what you are about to see, Private.
[Pushes one last button, a platform appears in the middle of the room]
Private: Skipper, is that...?
Skipper: That's right. A six-foot long whacking stick. Barry won't know what hit him.
Private: Skipper, isn't there a less violent solution?
Skipper: Probably, but I wanna see what this baby can do.

Skipper: [Recuperating from the poison] Sound off, Kowalski.
Kowalski: I can taste sound. But that's over now.
Skipper: Rico?
[Rico moans]
Barry: [Playing checkers with Private, who's still wearing the metal suit] King me!
Skipper: Is everyone else seeing a poisonous frog playing checkers with a robot penguin?
Rico: Uh-huh!
Skipper: Right. Back on the rack, men.

King Julien: Are you going to pummel Barry until he's all squishy?
Skipper: That's the general idea.
King Julien: Yes! I'm King Julien, and I approve this plan.

Skipper: [after Barry poisons Rico] How long until he's back to normal?
Kowalski: Normal normal, or Rico normal?
Skipper: Uh... let's say Rico normal.

Barry: My name is Barry, and you all work for me now. Everyone. You do everyting I say when I say it.
Marlene: Oh, have you ever heard a more adorable tirade? I just wanna scoop him up and give him a great big hug!
Barry: Trust me, lady, I'm not the hugging type. I'm more the do-what-I-say-or-I'll-ruin-your-life type.
Skipper: Oh, really, little hoppy? And how are you gonna do that?
Barry: Oh, like this.
[Touches Rico, who seizes up, sprouts little green bumps, and falls unconscious]
Barry: [laughs] Oh, that never gets old! That never gets old!

Merry Madagascar (2009) (TV)
Skipper: Shake it off, Private. She may look like a tall drink of water, but she'll spit you out like a cup of bad eggnog.

Gloria: [after the sleigh crashes] What kind of landing was that?
Skipper: Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing.

Skipper: That's an out-right Christmas lie with all the trimmings!

Skipper: On my command, kick 'em in the bells!

Skipper: It's a Cold War that dates back centuries. You see, Santa used to be based in the South Pole.
Lead Reindeer: Oh, this again? Santa chose North Pole fair and square.
Kowalski: Oh, please. They bribed him with candy canes and cheap Elf labor.
Lead Reindeer: That's it! Let's go!

Lead Reindeer: We meet again, South Polars!
Skipper: North Polars!

Skipper: Way to drop the ball, you hippie freak.
Alex: Me? Melman was the one who lost it in the chimney.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Jiggles (#1.28)" (2010)
Kowalski: You don't understand. I haven't had a scientific breakthrough in weeks.
Private: What about your shrink ray?
Kowalski: Pfft! Small potatoes. Useless!
Skipper: I don't know. We could whip us up a batch of teeny-tiny French fries.

Skipper: [after Jiggles absorbs Julien] Kowalski, give me lemur extraction options, stat!
Kowalski: Don't you see? Julien was a Jiggles hater! You know what happens to Jiggles haters!
[Rico whispers "cuckoo"]
Kowalski: This is what happens when you hate on my monster!
Skipper: Aha! So you admit you made a monster.
Kowalski: The good kind of monster. My kind!
Skipper: [Slaps Kowalski] You gotta snap out of it, Kowalski!
Kowalski: Oh! Oh I see. You're all haters now! Well, see you later, science haters!
[Climbs on Jiggles as it crawls away]
Private: He called us haters. That makes me sad, Skipper.

Skipper: You know, science is a wonderful thing. It gives us toasters, and televisions, and artificial flavors. But mad science, that just ends with dicey super weapons, freakish monsters, and artificial flavors.

Rico: Uh...
Private: Kowalski...
Skipper: Should we be concerned?
Kowalski: About what, Skipper?
Skipper: Oh, I don't know. Let's start with your monster!
Kowalski: Monster is a tad judgemental, isn't it?
Skipper: I call them as I see them.
Kowalski: Just because Jiggles has no central nervous system doesn't mean he has no feelings.
Skipper: He's a big blob of mad science, man!
Kowalski: Well, if he wasn't before, this scientist is mad now!

Kowalski: It is all clear to me now. Jiggles is a mindless monster on a ravenous rampage.
King Julien: [Running away] Best of luck with that!
Kowalski: I don't need luck. I need my friends.
Skipper: Present and accounted for.
Private: As long as you take back that hater remark.

Skipper: I don't know, Kowalski. Naming your scientific abomination is just asking for trouble.

Bing: Someone busted up our banana pile and the trail of green goop leads all the way to here over here.
Skipper: Sorry, great ape, but I believe what you have lost is, what's the word, your mind.
Bing: No, I lost my bananas.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Penguiner Takes All (#1.6)" (2009)
Private: The whole world's gone topsy-turvy.
Skipper: So it's up to us to make turvy topsy again.
Private: I'm not sure that's possible, Skipper.

Skipper: Kowalski, what did you said earlier?
Kowalski: Um... This stinks?
Skipper: Before that.
Kowalski: Mama, I made boom-boom?
Skipper: Too far back.

King Julien: When I win, this hi-fi will be my-fi.
Skipper: We'll see about that. Actions speak louder than words.
King Julien: [Speaking through megaphone] And this speaks louder than actions!

King Julien: Those silly-billy penguins cannot be beating me. It is unpossible.
Skipper: Think again, lemur. The unpossible just became possible.

Skipper: Lemur! One last game. All or nothing.
King Julien: But I have the all and you have the nothing. So, how does that work?
Skipper: Kowalski, options.
Kowalski: Sorry, Skipper. We lost my options clipboard two nights ago.
King Julien: Righty-o. Maurice, options.
Maurice: They could swear their undying loyalty to you.
King Julien: Groveling, obeying, and combing the knots out of my tail?
Maurice: That'd be the idea.
King Julien: Ooh, I likey!
Skipper: We accept those terms.

Skipper: We demand a rematch.
King Julien: [Watching TV] Shh. Dan from San Diego is going for the $15,000. Foolishly, if you ask me.
Skipper: Now.
King Julien: Loser says what?
Skipper: Now!

Skipper: All right, you win. But now you're gonna lose.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Tagged (#1.20)" (2009)
Skipper: Kowalski, give me some options for evening out these fierce tans.
Kowalski: I suggest a 180-degree horizontal axis rotation.
Skipper: Right. On my mark, flip.

King Julien: We must thank the sky spirits for providing to us this warm coziness we are now enjoying. If there's ever anything I can do, any...
[Walkie-talkie hits Julien]
Skipper: [Through walkie-talkie] There is something we need you to do.
Maurice: You offered.
King Julien: Uh, Hi, howdy,sky spirits? I never thought you would sound like a testy penguin.
Skipper: Clam up and listen to me?
King Julien: A lot like a testy penguin, actually.
Skipper: Your kingdom is about to blow up in one hour and 47 minutes.
King Julien: Ooh, a vengeful sky spirit!
Skipper: It's me, Skipper, you idi... Will you just listen to me?

Skipper: Listen up, Ringtail. You have one hour and twelve minutes to install that cooling device.
King Julien: Is that including lunch, coffee breaking and the royal siesta?
Skipper: Kowalski's gonna walk you through it, step by step, so you must do exactly what he says.
King Julien: I am royalty! No one can tell me exactly what to do.
Skipper: Then how about you order Kowalski to tell you exactly what to do?
King Julien: Okay, yes. That would work.

Private: Skipper, how cold is it?
Skipper: Kowalski?
Kowalski: I'm not certain, but I'd put the over-under at 17 degrees Fahrenheit.
[Taps beak]
Kowalski: The freezing point of snot.
Private: I've lost all feeling in my left cheek, Skipper.
Skipper: That's my cheek, Private, and it's the right one. But don't worry. This joker can't hold out much longer.
[the professor turns on a space heater]
Skipper: I stand corrected.

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: Ankle bracelets with tracking devices. They can monitor our every move.
Skipper: That ain't gonna fly! No one can know our whereabouts at any time, not even us. Rico, hacksaw me!
[Rico hocks out a hacksaw, Skipper catches it]
Private: Skipper, are you going to saw off the bracelet?
Skipper: Bracelet? I was just going to saw off my foot. But you might have something there, Private.
Kowalski: Wait, Skipper! Tamper-proof lining. If you cut the bracelet, it would break and set off the alarm.
Skipper: Well, men, it looks like we've got us a waiting game.
Kowalski: I'm afraid we don't have time to wait, Skipper. We left the air conditioning room before I could install the cooling attachment. Without it, the heat inside the furnace will built up until...
Rico: Kaboom!
Private: [faints] Oh dear.

Private: The scientist's getting suspicious, Skipper.
Skipper: Enough with the smoke and mirrors! It's time we started acting like penguins!
Private: But we only know the smile-and-wave routine. What else do penguins do?
Skipper: I don't have the faintest.

Skipper: Private, give me some penguin material.
Private: Okay... first peck on the ground. Now bob your head. Now get a running start, flap your wings and fly away! Oh, wait. That's pigeons.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Dr. Blowhole's Revenge (#1.30)" (2010)
Skipper: Kowalski, intelligence.
Kowalski: Above average, but I don't like to brag... Oh, right. The map. Here.

Skipper: Dr. Blowhole!
Dr. Blowhole: Well, peng-you-ins.
Skipper: Well, well. It's been a long time.
Dr. Blowhole: Well, well, well. Too long.
Skipper: Well, well, well, well...
Dr. Blowhole: Enough!

Skipper: Glowing red eyes. That's almost never good.

Skipper: Kowalski, run a trace.
Kowalski: [Tastes robot Julien] Sea salt, rollercoaster grease and all-beef franks.
Skipper: Coney Island.
Private: Subway convenient, at least.
Skipper: No. They'd be expecting that.

Dr. Blowhole: Ever since my humiliation in the Ring of Fire, I have sworn revenge on the humans. It made me bitter.
Private: Did he say bitter or better?
Skipper: I'm not sure. It's hard to tell with all the echo in here.
Kowalski: That would be the high ceilings.

Dr. Blowhole: You have foiled my revenge. For that, I swear... revenge!
Skipper: Wait, are we talking a whole new revenge here?
Dr. Blowhole: Yes! Revenge on you, revenge on the humans... I have a whole bunch of revenges piled up, and it's not pretty!

King Julien: I just saved the world and had the adventure of a lifetime, and no one will ever know about it.
Skipper: Welcome to my world. That makes you an honorary penguin.
King Julien: Oh, does this mean I'm your BFF?
Skipper: Uh, let's keep that code on the QT.
Mort: Yay! King Julien is a Buffalo firefighter!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Two Feet High and Rising (#1.7)" (2009)
Skipper: Well, that's five minutes of our lives we're not getting back.
Kowalski: Until I get my time machine fully functioning.

Skipper: Negative, Marlene! We're not accepting new recruits at this time.
Marlene: Come on, have a heart.
Skipper: No, thank you. Besides, Mort would never pass our psych screening. How Rico slipped through is still shrouded in mystery.

Marlene: Wow, he's violent, but cured.
Skipper: Like a Christmas ham.

Skipper: Operation: Luftballoons is a go.

Skipper: Cheese and crackers! Struggling will just make it worse!
King Julien: What? I can't hear you over my frantic and panicked struggling!

Skipper: Recruit, I'm gonna mold you like a lump of wet clay.
Marlene: Yeah, have fun with that.
Mort: Oh, goody! I'm wet clay.

Skipper: Suit up, men!
[to Mort]
Skipper: You too, Private.
Private: But I'm Private!
Skipper: All right, he's Private Number Two.
Mort: I like number two!

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (2012)
Skipper: Grab your luggage and drain your bladders, it's gonna be a long trip.

Jonesy the Dog: Why should we even help them? They're not even circus.
Vitaly: That's Bolshevik!
Skipper: As much as I hate to admit it in American soil, the Ruskie's right.

Alex: Skipper, what about the plane?
Skipper: Well, the chimps will work all through the night, no breaks, no safety restrictions...
[Chimps run off]
Skipper: Hey! Where are you going? Get back here, we have a contract!
Mason: Yes, well, I'm afraid the labour laws are slightly more lenient in France. You see, they only have to work 2 weeks in a year.
Skipper: Well, someone else has the Canadian work ethic!

Skipper: I say we let it ride, then we pick up the hippies and fly back in style.
Kowalski: Can we get an Airbus A380?
Skipper: Solid gold, baby!
Kowalski: Skipper, I'm afraid a solid gold plane would be too heavy to fly.
Skipper: Kowalski, we'll be rich. The rules of physics don't apply to us.

Skipper: [Having a pillow fight with the other penguins] You all pillow fight like little girls!
[Rico hits Skipper hard with a pillow, feathers fly out]
Skipper: Chimichanga! These pillows are stuffed with baby birds!

Skipper: You better know what you're doing. You're blowing away the Private's college fund.
Private: I'll never be President!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Driven to the Brink/Friend-in-a-Box (#2.14)" (2010)
[Skipper and Private are using View Masters to look out]
Skipper: What do you see, Private?
Private: The majestic Grand Canyon.
Skipper: I've got my eye on some kid and his beagle in a pumpkin patch. What a blockhead.

Private: Looks like someone got a new circuit board.
Kowalski: Yes, state of the art processor, hollah!
Private: So where did you get it?
Kowalski: Uh, I...
Private: Come again?
Kowalski: I got it from...
Private: You got it from where?
Kowalski: I took it from Mort's video game, all right? I stole from poor, innocent Mort to fuel my own scientific ambitions! But it was totally worth it. See?
[Turns on psychotron]
Private: [thoughts transmitted from psychotron] Oh, Kowalski. How could you?
Skipper: [Thoughts transmitted from phsychotron] This side of you makes me want to throw up in my beak!
Rico: [Thoughts transmitted from psychotron] Fiiiiish!
Kowalski: [Thoughts transmitted from psychotron] They're right. I'm a monster. A selfish monster!
Kowalski: Oh, what have I done?
[Throws psychotron across room; King Julien enters and poses next to psychotron]
King Julien: [thoughts transmitted from psychotron] I would look good in pantaloons.
King Julien: Yes, I agree with the voice that sounds like me. Pantaloons would accent my regality, but that is not why I'm here.

Skipper: What are you doing, Private?
Private: Following the rules of the road.
Skipper: That's no way to treat fuel-injected nitro-charged motorized mayhem. Out of the car!

Private: If I didn't know any better, I'd say that car has it in for Rico.
Kowalski: Oh, Private. There you go, anthropomorphizing the inanimate, again.
Skipper: That's a lot of egghead jibber-jabber, but that doesn't explain why our car is after Rico.

Kowalski: Anthropomorphizing the inanimate with a supernatural twist? Preposterous.
Skipper: Maybe so, but Private might be on to something. Our auto's gone loco.
Kowalski: That's impossible.
Skipper: More than that, it's unauthorized, and that won't fly in this unit.

Kowalski: In your haste you must have added some parts from my projects. There's your ghost, Rico. My targeting system was targeting you.
Skipper: So, no ghost?
Kowalski: No ghost. Let's hear it for jibber-jabber!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Operation: Plush and Cover (#1.2)" (2009)
Marlene: What's up with all the commotion?
Skipper: Unknown. I'm still waiting for my away team to report before declaring defcon red.
Marlene: Uh-huh. Real quick: What exactly is a defcon red?
Skipper: Classified. Just hope you never live to see one, sister.

Skipper: [Popping sounds are coming from a crate] Evasive action. We have enemy movement.
Private: Skipper, we're taking fire!
Skipper: We're also giving some. Right, Rico?
[Rico spits out a flame thrower and aims it at crate]
Skipper: Steady, boys. Get ready to toast this marshmallow!
[Crate opens to reveal Julien with a popcorn container]
King Julien: Ha ha! Popcorn anyone? It's fresh.
Private: Julien?
Kowalski: How did he get here?
King Julien: I mailed myself super platinum premier overnight express. This is how a king is to be rolling.

[the penguins are inside a box mailed to the plush factory]
Skipper: Kowalski, report.
Kowalski: It's dark.
Skipper: I concur. Rico, weapons check.
[Sound of Rico regurgitating several items]
Skipper: Outstanding! Private, sound off.
Private: Uh... Are we there yet?
Skipper: Not yet, Private. Wait for it... Wait for it... Aaaand... Move out, now!
[They storm out; they are still at the mailbox]
Skipper: Right. Back in the box.

King Julien: Now, who has the honor of carrying my luggage?
Skipper: Rico, stamp his royal highness "return to sender."
[Rico wraps Julien in bubble wrap]
King Julien: Okay, you win. Forget the luggage.

Skipper: [On a conveyor belt] Kowalski, hit the kill switch!
[Kowalski pushes a button; a smashing device is activated]
Skipper: Kill the hit switch!
[Gets hit by device]
Skipper: [Dazed] Switch the kill hit!

Marlene: [about a stack of Private plush dolls] Check it out. Looks like the zoo has a new best seller.
Skipper: Well, will you look at that. Kudos, Private.
[Slaps Private on the back; he falls over, revealing that he's actually a plush doll]
Skipper: Private? Private?
Private: [Back at the factory, running on the conveyor belt] Hello? Anybody?

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Assault and Batteries (#1.5)" (2009)
King Julien: Be giving it up, flightless bird. I already have three batteries.
Skipper: But your noisemaker needs all four, and the only way you're getting this one is if you pry it from my cold, dead flippers.
King Julien: Ugh! Sounds gross... but doable!

King Julien: Skipper, if only one of us makes it out of here, then let it be... Joey.
Skipper: Joey?
King Julien: Yes. Without the beatings, this place isn't half bad.

King Julien: Okay, crazyish idea. You help me get out of this place.
Skipper: Team up, with you?
King Julien: I was thinking more like you do all the work, and I will watch with anticipation.

King Julien: Come back here, you music hater!
Skipper: I don't hate music! I hate noise!

Skipper: What's the matter, wallaby? Can't kick a moving target?
Joey: Wallaby? I'm a kangaroo, mate!

Skipper: We made it! Up high!
[Offers a high-five]
King Julien: Yes, it is.
Skipper: Down low?
[Juilen just looks at him]
Skipper: Too slow?
King Julien: You. You are too slow.
Skipper: Never mind.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Gator Watch/In the Line of Doody (#2.2)" (2010)
Skipper: Kowalski, can you open this door?
Kowalski: A simple pin tumbler lock. Now you're just lobbing slowballs. Why don't you just ask me if I can build a self-replicating nanobot? Because I can. Obviously.

Private: They've captured Roger!
Kowalski: He's off to the greybar hotel.
Private: They're putting him in a hotel? That sounds nice. Maybe they'll give him a nice room, with a mint on his pillow.
Skipper: [Pats Private on the head] We're canceling Roger's reservation.

Skipper: Kowalski, wheelman. Rico, gas. Private, music.
Private: Smooth jazz or adult contemporary?
Skipper: Let's... classic rock this chase!

Skipper: Do a complete sweep of the perimeter. If you see anything funny, take it seriously.

Skipper: You heard him, he plans to drop one on the commisioner before the ribbon is cut. The clock... is... ticking!
Private: So, were the dramatic pauses really necessary?
Skipper: [Dramatic pause] Yes.

Private: Now that's what I call poo-etic justice. You see what I did there? I played with a word.
Skipper: Yes, Private, we're all amused by your toilet humor. Very classy.
Private: Oh, sorry, Skipper. Poo. Tee-hee!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Crown Fools (#1.9)" (2009)
Skipper: I've taken down an angry walrus with a wing and a prayer, and another wing. I can handle anything.
Marlene: Except fun.
Skipper: Especially fun. Right, men?
[the others look away and agree weakly]

Skipper: All right, I take full responsiblity for this. Well, ninety percent.
Marlene: Hey, I said "have fun", I didn't say "go nuts".

Marlene: How about this? I quiet down the screamer, while you guys get the crown back. Sounds like a plan?
Skipper: That does sound like a plan. Men, commence Operation: Give The Furry Cry-Baby His Bottle.

Skipper: Atenzione, little rodentia. Has anyone seen a leafy crown?
Rat #1: Maybe.
Rat #2: What's it to ya?
Skipper: We need it, pronto.
Rat #1: it belongs to our king.
Rat #2: And there's only one way to take it from him.
Private: Smile and say please?
Rat #2: No!
Rat #1: Paw-to-paw combat!
Rat #1, Rat #2: Beat the king, get the crown! Beat the king, get the crown!...
Skipper: Okay, I'll go easy on him. Where is the little guy?
[a huge muscular rat appears, wearing Julien's crown]
Private: Oh, you are toast.
Skipper: What was that, Private?
Private: Uh... I mean, hard on the outside, soft and warm on the inside, and good in a jam.
Skipper: Oh, that's nice.
King Rat: You are going down, clown! Down to Rat Town!
Private: Aren't we already there?

Skipper: You might want to watch out for those ninjas, Marlene.
Marlene: Don't you mean bowling pins?
Skipper: I mean ninjas. Don't you see the little faces on them?

Marlene: Why are you guys working anyway? Come on, it's Fun Day.
Skipper: Fun Day? Rico, code blue! Private, make a weapons check! Kowalski, options for... hey, hey, whoa, whoa! What's Fun Day?
Kowalski: Few humans visit on Mondays, thus our zoo overlords have renamed Monday "Fun Day".
Skipper: Why wasn't this in my morning briefing? How am I to know this stuff?
[Camera pulls back to show a large sign reading "Fun Day!" hanging over the penguin habitat]
Skipper: Come on, people! I'm not a mind reader!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: The Lost Treasure of the Golden Squirrel (#2.4)" (2010)
Rat #1: The stories were true!
Rat #1: Now the lost treasure of the Golden Squirrel belongs to the rats!
Rat King: Totally! And this key is the key to finding it, which makes it a key both in the literal and metaphorical sense. How deep is that?
Skipper: Whaever that key is, you don't get it, literally or metaphorically.

Skipper: We need you to take a look at this squirrel artifact.
Fred: Hmm.
[Looks at it]
Fred: Well, later, guys.
King Julien: Excuse me! What about the treasure?
Fred: What treasure?
Kowalski: What he means is can you tell us something about it.
Fred: Oh, you said just to look at it. Tell you. That's harder.

Private: Your Granny's a genius, Fred.
Fred: She certainly is.
Kowalski: How does she know so much about the treasure?
Fred: Wait, you think she's my grandma? That's not my grandma.
Skipper: She's not?
Fred: No, I told you. She's in my tree taking a nap.
Skipper: Fred, she hugged you.
Fred: Well, that did strike me as a bit odd, but what was I gonna do, say no to a hug? I love hugs.

King Julien: Excuse me. Did I just hear the word "treasure" in among those words? Because since I held that key for 3.5 seconds, that entitles me to half the treasure.
Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: 3.5 seconds divided by 9/10ths of the law equals 50% of the treasure. Well, I question his methods, but his math is impeccable.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Hello, Dollface/Fit to Print (#2.12)" (2010)
Hans: So, it all ends with fish.
Skipper: Just like Denmark.

Hans: I'll have you know I kissed your sister, on the lips!
Skipper: I don't have a sister, and if I did, she wouldn't have lips.
Hans: Oh. Then who did I kiss?

Hans: So, this Hoboken Zoo, is it nice?
Skipper: I'll be honest with you. It's a disease-ridden cesspool.

Skipper: Well, that ties up that past chapter of my life in a neat little bow.
Private: Except I still don't know what happened in Denmark.
Skipper: Oh, Private. That's between me, Hans and the Danes. Get your own secret life.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Paternal Egg-Stinct (#1.4)" (2009)
Skipper: We're an elite force, not nurse maids!
Kowalski: Actually, incubation is a male thing for penguins. It's natural instinct.
Skipper: You too, Kowalski? We can't give in to every gushy urge nature's burdened upon our species!

Skipper: Come on, you marshmallows! Think manly thoughts, like... monster trucks! Hooah!

King Julien: I demand custody of J.J. Look at all the danger you have heaved upon him.
Skipper: Heaved? You're the heaver! The egg was aces 'til you pilfered him!
King Julien: But I pilfered J.J. while he was on your watch, so you are responsible for my irresponsibility.

Marlene: Hi, guys!
Skipper: Jumbo shrimp! Doesn't a stealthy rendezvous mean anything to anyone anymore?
Marlene: Stealthy... No. Should it?

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Wishful Thinking/April Fools (#2.11)" (2010)
Skipper: What's your name, soldier?
Private: Private.
Skipper: What's your rank?
Private: Private.
Skipper: What's your secret shame?
Private: Private!
Skipper: He's fine.

Skipper: [the penguins have been captured] Well, men, all I can say is... you had to use the turbo, didn't you?
Kowalski: You know I can't resist overkill!

Skipper: Ringtail! It's not April first.
King Julien: Silly penguin. It's always April first somewhere.
Skipper: You have no idea how a calendar works, do you?
King Julien: Of course.
[Maurice brings him a calendar with Julien on the cover]
King Julien: The Julien Calendar. Gorgeous picture of me on the top, random numbers on the bottom.
Mort: My favorite month is Julie-anuary.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Kaboom and Kabust/The Helmet (#2.9)" (2010)
Kowalski: He's turned the helmet's power capacitor up to ten. I kept it at a cool five, good enough for my own highly developed intelect. But ten is too powerful for Julien's simple mind.
Private: What does that mean?
Kowalski: It just means that Julien's chaotic thoughts will destroy us all.
Skipper: Kowalski, have you ever invented anything that hasn't eventually threatened to destroy us all?
Kowalski: Let me think, um... no.

Skipper: Gentlemen, Rico is a danger to himself and others. We never leave a madman behind.
King Julien: Too late, silly penguin! Already he is going to expand my kingdom with the most mayhemiest destructo machine ever!
[Rico stands at the lemur habitat, buzzing]
King Julien: Eh, why is he just standing there?
Skipper: You maniac! You let him go too far! He's built up too much psychotic pressure!
King Julien: Uh, what?
Private: Don't you see? Rico *is* the destructo machine!
[Rico suddenly starts destroying everything in the lemur habitat]

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Happy King Julien Day! (#1.3)" (2009)
Skipper: Maurice thinks he can bribe us with his piñata promises. Pity for him, penguins are not for sale. Right, men?
Private: I wonder what's in that piñata? I bet it's full of butterscotch lollies and sour balls.
Kowalski: I'd say we're looking at a 50/50 mix of gummy fish and candy buttons.
Rico: Yay, buttons!
Skipper: We may never know, because today we are performing scheduled maintenance on the HQ.
Kowalski: Perhaps we can reschedule?
Skipper: We can't just reschedule scheduled maintenance that's been scheduled, right here on the schedule.

Skipper: All right, so why are we here?
Kowalski: Ah, yes. The question that has vexed common man and philosopher alike.
Kowalski: That's not what you were going for, is it?

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Cute-astrophe (#2.24)" (2011)
[Kowalski's Adorablizer overloaded, which causes Private to perform an innocent-looking pose, which resulted in knocking everyone back]
Private: [concerned] Skipper, what happened?
Skipper: [winded] Kowalski, talk to me.
Kowalski: [surprised] It appears that Private has discovered some sort of Quantum Hyper Cute! 132% adorability!
Rico: Wow!
Private: Is that even possible?
Kowalski: Scientifically, no.
Skipper: [proudly] Way to stick it to science, Private. Now let's go cute us up some fish!