Melman
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Quotes for
Melman (Character)
from Madagascar (2005)

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Madagascar (2005)
Alex the Lion: The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst idea I have ever heard!
Melman the Giraffe: It's unsanitary!
Marty the Zebra: The penguins are going, so why can't I?
Alex the Lion: The penguins are psychotic!

Alex the Lion: Come on! What does Connecticut have to offer us?
Melman the Giraffe: Lyme disease.
Alex the Lion: Thank you, Melman.

Gloria the Hippo: Aww, you poor little baby, did that big mean lion scare you?
Mort the Mouse Lemur: Mm-hmm.
Gloria the Hippo: He did? He's a big fat old puddy-tat, isn't he?
Mort the Mouse Lemur: [gurgling and lifting arms up to be picked up]
Gloria the Hippo: Come on, mama hold you. Awww!
Melman the Giraffe: They are so cute from a reasonable distance.
Gloria the Hippo: Look at you! Aren't you the sweetest thing... aww I just wanna dunk him in my coffee!
Mort the Mouse Lemur: [giggling cutely]

[singing]
Alex the Lion: Happy...
Gloria the Hippo: Birth...
Melman the Giraffe: Day...
Alex the Lion: To...
Gloria the Hippo: You...
Alex the Lion: You...
Melman the Giraffe: Live...
Gloria the Hippo: In...
Alex the Lion: A zoo...
Gloria the Hippo: You...
Melman the Giraffe: Look...
Alex the Lion: Like a monkey...
Melman the Giraffe: And...
Alex the Lion: You smell...
Gloria the Hippo: Like...
[all together]
Alex the Lion, Melman the Giraffe, Gloria the Hippo: One too!

Gloria the Hippo: Okay, let's make a good impression on the people. Smiles, everyone. Let's get it together.
[to Melman]
Gloria the Hippo: Is that the best you can do, Melman?
Melman the Giraffe: Oh, I'm not smiling. It's gas.
Gloria the Hippo: Okay, well, great. Let's make gas look good.

Gloria the Hippo: Melman! Are you okay?
Melman the Giraffe: Yeah. I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI.
Alex the Lion: Melman, you're not getting an MRI.
Melman the Giraffe: CAT scan?
Alex the Lion: No! No CAT scan! It's a transfer! It's a zoo transfer!
Melman the Giraffe: ZOO TRANSFER? Oh, no. No, no. I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at five. There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care! And I am NOT going HMO!
Marty the Zebra: Take it easy, Melman. We are gonna be o-kizzay.
Alex the Lion: No, we're not gonna be o-kizzay! Because of you, we're ruined!

Alex the Lion: [shouts] YOU MANIAC! YOU BURNED IT UP! DARN YOU! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!
Melman the Giraffe: Can we go to the fun side now?

Melman the Giraffe: It's getting late. I guess I'm gonna...
[starts snoring]

Melman the Giraffe: [shouts] Ahhhhh! Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!

Melman the Giraffe: Nature, it's all over me GET IT OFF!

Alex the Lion: Come on! Melman, Melman, Melman! Melman, Melman, Melman! Wake up! Rise and shine! It's another fabulous day in the Big Apple. Let's go.
Melman the Giraffe: Not for me. I'm calling in sick.
Alex the Lion: What?
Melman the Giraffe: I found a bro... another brown spot on my shoulder, right here. See? Right th... right there. You see?
Alex the Lion: Melman, you know it's all in your head. Hm?

Melman the Giraffe: San Diego.
Gloria the Hippo: San Diego?
Melman the Giraffe: White, sandy beaches; cleverly simulated natural environment; wide-open enclosures. I'm telling you, this could be the San Diego Zoo. Complete with fake rocks.
[Taps on a rock]
Melman the Giraffe: Wow, that looks real.

Gloria the Hippo: It's not people, it's animals.
Melman the Giraffe: California animals. Dude.
Marty the Zebra: This is like a Puffy party.

Marty the Zebra: [about King Julian] He's got style.
Alex the Lion: What is he, like, king of the guinea pigs?
Melman the Giraffe: I think it's a squirrel.
Julian: Welcome, giant pansies. Please feel free to bask in my glow.
Alex the Lion: Definitely a squirrel.
Melman the Giraffe: Yep, a squirrel.

Melman the Giraffe: Hey! Hey, you guys! That room has some nifty little sinks we can wash up in, and look!
[Takes urinal cake out of mouth]
Melman the Giraffe: Free mints!

Gloria the Hippo: What kind of zoo is this?
Melman the Giraffe: I just saw twenty-six blatant health code violations.
Marty the Zebra: I'm loving San Diego. This place is off the chizain.
Melman the Giraffe: Twenty-seven.

Gloria the Hippo: Come on, we are New Yorkers, right?
Marty the Zebra: Yeah.
Gloria the Hippo: We're tough! We're gritty!
Marty the Zebra: Yeah!
Gloria the Hippo: We're adaptable!
Melman the Giraffe: Yeah!
Gloria the Hippo: And we are not gonna lay down like a bunch of Melmans!
Melman the Giraffe: No, we're not!

Melman the Giraffe: Hey, Alex. Psst, Alex. Alex.
Alex the Lion: What is it, Melman?
Melman the Giraffe: OK, you know how I have to get up every two hours because of my bladder infection? Well, I get up to pee, and I was walking past Marty's pen, and usually I dont look in it, but this time I was walkin' past, and I?
Alex the Lion: What, Melman? What is it?
Melman the Giraffe: It's Marty... He's gone!
Alex the Lion: He's what?
Melman the Giraffe: [looks at hole in ground the penguins have dug] How long has he been working on this?
Melman the Giraffe: [shouts gently down hole] Marty. Marty!

Melman the Giraffe: [Melman presents Marty with a gift-wrapped thermometer]
Marty the Zebra: Aw a thermometer!Thanks!I love it Melman, I love it!
[he puts it in his mouth and poses]
Melman the Giraffe: I really wanted to give you a personal present. Do you know that was my first rectal thermometer?
Marty the Zebra: Motherf...
[Marty spits it out and retches]

Alex the Lion: Well, I say we just ask these bozos where the people are.
Julian: [from the ground underneath Alex] Excuse me. We bozos have the people of course!
Melman the Giraffe: Hey, the bozos have the people.
Alex the Lion: Oh, well, great. Good. Phew!
Julian: They're up there.
[points up at skeletons dangling from tree, wearing a parachute harness]
Julian: Don't you love the people? Not a very lively bunch, though.
Alex the Lion: Oh... wow... so, do you have any *live* people?
Julian: Uhh... no, only dead ones.
Maurice: I mean, if we had a bunch of live people running around, it wouldn't be called the wild, would it?

Alex the Lion: How's the liberty fire going, Melman?
Melman the Giraffe: Great.
[in hushed voice]
Melman the Giraffe: Idiot.
Alex the Lion: I heard that.

Marty the Zebra: Okay! You all have your side, and I'll have mine. And, if you need me, I'll be over here! On the FUN side of the island, havin' a good ol' time. A great ol' time! A GREAT ol' time. A yabba-dabba-doo ol' time! WILMA!
Alex the Lion: That's not the fun side. THIS is the fun side! This is the fun side where we're gonna have a great time surviving until we go home! Whoo! I love this side; this side's the best! That side STINKS! You're on the JERSEY side of this cesspool!
Melman the Giraffe: Well, now what do we do?
Alex the Lion: Don't worry Melman, I have a plan to get us rescued.

Gloria the Hippo: Does anyone else feel nauseous?
Melman the Giraffe: I feel nauseous.
Alex the Lion: Melman, you always feel nauseous.

Alex the Lion: You know, by the time we get back to New York, it'll be the middle of winter. So I was thinking, why rush? Maybe we could make a few sidestops along the way.
Marty the Zebra: How about Paris?
Gloria the Hippo: Ooh, you've read my mind.
Alex the Lion: I was thinking Spain.
Marty the Zebra: Yeah. A little running with the bulls.
Gloria the Hippo: How about Fiji?
Melman the Giraffe: Or Canada? Can't we? Cheap meds. Huh?

Julian: Wait! I have a plan.
Maurice: Really?
Julian: I have devised a cunning test to see whether these are savage killers.
[Julian kicks Mort out in the open]
Marty the Zebra: Hi there!
Alex the Lion: No, I will handle this. Alex handles it. Marty says nothing.
[approaches the frightened Mort]
Alex the Lion: Hi there!
[Mort starts to cry]
Alex the Lion: Oh, geez!
Melman the Giraffe: Oh, Alex. What did you do?
Alex the Lion: No, it's okay, it's okay. I'm just a silly, just a silly lion.
[Mort cries louder]
Alex the Lion: Oh, jeez!

Melman the Giraffe: Augh! Underpants!

[with his head stuck in a clock]
Melman the Giraffe: Guys, we're running out of time!

[on the subway, Alex roars at a guy hiding behind a newspaper]
Alex the Lion: Augh! Knicks lost again!
Melman the Giraffe: Eh. Whatcha gonna do?
Train conductor: [over PA] Grand Central Station.
Alex the Lion: Did he just say "Grand Central Station," or "My aunt's constipation"?

Melman the Giraffe: [has dug himself a grave and written his last will and testament on the sand] And so, as I have been left to die on this forsaken island, I, Melman Mankiewicz, being of sound mind and unsound body, have divided my possessions equally among the three of you.
[a wave washes away one third of the will]
Melman the Giraffe: Oh, sorry, Alex.

Melman the Giraffe: Guys, we're running out of time!
Gloria the Hippo: Melman, you broke their clock?

Gloria the Hippo: Lets, go. Make a wish babycakes.
[Marty blows out the candle and eats a chunk out of his birthday cake]
Alex the Lion: Come on, what you wish for?
Marty the Zebra: Nope! Can't tell you that.
Alex the Lion: Come on, tell.
Alex the Lion: No siree. I'm telling you'a, its bad luck. You want some bad luck, I'll blab it out, But if you want to be safe, I'll keep my mouth shut.
Gloria the Hippo: [interrupting] Could you just tell us? I mean, really. What could happen?
Marty the Zebra: Okay. I wish I could go... To the wild!
Alex the Lion: The wild?
[After Marty says this, Alex falls off the wall, Melman chokes himself and Gloria opens her mouth in shock]
Marty the Zebra: I told you it was bad luck.
[Gloria tries to stop Melman from choking]
Alex the Lion: The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst ideal I've ever heard.
[Melman spits out what was choking him]
Melman the Giraffe: It's unsanitary.
Marty the Zebra: The penguins are going. So why can't I?
Alex the Lion: The penguins are psychotic.
Marty the Zebra: Come on, Just imagine going back to nature. Back to your roots, clean air, wide-open spaces!
Gloria the Hippo: Well, I hear they have wide-open spaces in Connecticut.
Marty the Zebra: Connecticut?
Melman the Giraffe: Yeah. What you gotta do is you go over to Grand Central, and then you gotta take the Metro-North Tran... North?
Marty the Zebra: So one could take the train? Just Hypothetically.
Alex the Lion: Marty, come on. What would Connecticut have to offer us?
Melman the Giraffe: Lyme disease.
Alex the Lion: Thank you Melman.
Marty the Zebra: No, no really, really. I just want...
Alex the Lion: There's certainly none of this in the wild
[Waves a steak at Marty]
Marty the Zebra: But... but... but...
Alex the Lion: This is a highly refined type of food thing. That you do not find in the wild.


Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (2008)
Melman: No, no that's not it. Listen Mototo, you'd better treat this lady like a queen. Because you, you my friend... have found the perfect woman. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I would give her flowers every day. And not just any flowers, okay? Her favorites are orchids. White. And I would bring her breakfast every day. Six loaves of wheat bread with butter on both sides. No crusts. Just the way she likes it. I'd be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend. And I'd spend every day thinking of ways to make her laugh. She has the most... amazing laugh. That's what I would do, if I were you. But I'm not. So you do it.
Moto Moto: Uhhh... What? Aaaanyways, where were we?
Gloria: [sigh] I'm huge?

Julien: [after Melman has announced he has only 48 hours to live] If I, King Julien, that's my name, had only two days to live, I would do all the things I always wanted to do.
Melman: Like what?
Julien: I'd become a professional whistler. I'm pretty fantastic right now, but I would do it professionally.
[Tries to whistle, but all that comes out is a long raspberry]
Julien: Another thing I would do is invade a neighboring country, and force my own ideology on them, even if they didn't want it.

Gloria: What is this place?
Melman: San Diego. This time, I'm 40% sure.

Alex: I like to move it, move it!
Gloria: He likes to move it, move it!
Marty: She likes to move it, move it!
Melman: We like to...?
Lemurs: Move it!

Melman: What, you don't have doctors here?
Stephen: Well not any more.
Melman: What if you catch a cold or something.
Additional Giraffe: We go over to the dying holes, and we die.

Melman: [as the plane is going down] I love you, Gloria! I always have!
[Gloria is fast asleep; Alex and Marty stare at Melman]
Melman: Like you love the beach, or a good book, or the beach...

Marty: I still think he's a show-off.
Melman: You gotta give him credit. He is an animal.
Marty: I don't know about you guys, but I feel like going on vacation.
Gloria: Where are we going to go on vacation?
Marty: I was thinking Conneticut.

Julien: Ha,ha,ha! I like laughing! It's such a nice experience!
Melman: [Melman pokes his head in] Whoa.
Julien: Exuse me, this is first class. It's nothing personal, it's just that we're better than you.

Baby Marty: I don't like the looks of this guy. He's a bit of a show-off.
Baby Gloria: I think he's kinda cute.
Baby Melman: You think he's cute?


Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (2012)
Melman: I can't dance!
Gloria: Maybe that's because you've never tried it before.
Melman: I *have* tried it! I practice in private because you're so good at it...
Gloria: You practice? For me?
Melman: Yeah, but... It's no use! I never know what to do with my arms.
Gloria: That's the easy part.
[wraps Melman's arms around her neck]
Gloria: You just put your arms around your partner.

[Gloria gets stuck after falling down an air shaft, nearly crushing Alex, Marty, and Melman]
Melman: [to Gloria, sweetly yet awkwardly] Hi, honey!

Alex: And Melman, you're the Brooklyn Bridge.
Melman: Actually, I'm the Triborough Bridge.

Gia: Alex? You are from a zoo?
[pause]
Alex: Yes. Yes. But wait, there's more.
Gia: More?
Alex: Or less. There's less.
Vitaly: You were never circus?
Gloria: We had to say we were circus.
Melman: Or you'd never let us on the train.
Gia: After all we have been through together, you want to go live in a zoo?
Alex: Gia, I...
Vitaly: You used us.
Alex: No, no, no. I mean - I mean yes but,
Gia: Trapeze americano, you make that up, too?
Alex: It didn't exactly exist when I taught it to you.
Gia: Jet packs and aquatic cobras! I should've known.
Stefano: Balloons to the children of the world was not real, either?
Alex: Yeah, that's not real. But look at what we did.
Stefano: I was shot out of a cannon! I could've died!
Marty: But I thought it was your lifelong dream.
Stefano: For all I know, your name is not even Alice.
Alex: No, Stefano, but it never really was,
Stefano: I don't feel safe!
Alex: Gia, I...
Gia: We trusted you.
Stefano: My tears are real! You are not!


Merry Madagascar (2009) (TV)
Marty: Candied yams from Sylvia's. That's what I want for Christmas.
Gloria: And I can't wait to get back to my hippo pool and that sweet smell of chlorine.
Melman: And I can't wait to see Dr. Maneesh, greatest chiropractor ever.
Alex: As for me, I just want to see snow fall down on my beautiful city. New York, here we come!

Alex: I don't know. Why can't we just use the front door?
Marty: Come on! How hard can it be? Melman, you're up!
Melman: But I'm claustrophobic.
Marty: Yeah? Well now you could be Santa Claustrophobic. Now dive, fool! Dive! Dive! Dive!

Gloria: Wait a minute. These presents are for us!
Alex: What?
Marty: Candied yams from Sylvia's! And they're still warm! They're still warm!
Gloria: An inflatable hippo pool with chlorine!
[sniffs chlorine]
Gloria: Ahh, that's the stuff.
Melman: Doctor Maneesh's neck massager!
Gloria: What did you get, Alex?
Alex: [Holds a snow globe of New York City] Snow falling down on my beautiful city. How did Santa know?
Marty: That's why he's Santa. He's the best.