Steven M. Kovacs
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Quotes for
Steven M. Kovacs (Character)
from The Cable Guy (1996)

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The Cable Guy (1996)
Steven: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.

The Cable Guy: Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.
Steven Kovacs: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
The Cable Guy: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.

Steven Kovacs: [using Cable Guy's advice to Robin] I don't listen to you. I pretend to understand, but I'm really just saying the things that I think you want to hear. And I'm interested in learning about every detail of the complicated splendor that is you.
Robin Harris: Oh.

The Cable Guy: Pretty smooth work! I set 'em up, you knock 'em down.
Steven Kovacs: What?
The Cable Guy: Robin. I got her back for you. I juiced her up!
Steven Kovacs: How do you know we're back together?
The Cable Guy: Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac, Steven.
Steven Kovacs: I don't want you messing with my life!
The Cable Guy: I know! I felt bad about the other night. I wanted to make it up to you.
The Cable Guy: So what are you doing? Wanna catch a flick?
Steven Kovacs: Look, I appreciate you helping me out with Robin. But you have to understand. I'm going to have to work *extra* hard to not screw this relationship up again. You're a very nice guy, but I just don't have any room in my life for a new friend. Okay?
The Cable Guy: So, what are you trying to say?
Steven Kovacs: I don't want to be your friend.

Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven: Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven: Just forget it.
Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[laughs harder]
Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

Chip Douglas: Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened.
Steven Kovacs: Why? What happened?
Chip Douglas: They had a lot of cats.

Steven: Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.

Chip Douglas: Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done.
Steven Kovacs: Does this go to your boss?
Chip Douglas: No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t.

Chip Douglas: Call it one guy doing another guy a solid.
Steven Kovacs: That is so nice!
Chip Douglas: Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'.

Steven Kovacs: Hey, wait, come back!
Chip Douglas: Well look who decided to show.
Steven Kovacs: You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago.
Chip Douglas: Was I? So I'm the tardy one?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed.
Chip Douglas: Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya.

Steven: You know, my brother is a speech therapist.
Chip Douglas: Tho?

The Cable Guy: Sounds like heart break to me.
Steven Kovacs: Well I really don't want to discuss it with you. Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed.
The Cable Guy: Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time!

Cable Guy: If Robin had seen you tonight, she'd be begging you to take her back. I'm telling you, these knights get laid all the time.
The Cable Guy: [He and Steve are on horses about to charge one another] This is our destiny!
Steven: No it's not!
The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
Steven: No it isn't!
The Cable Guy: Yes it is!
Steven: Isn't!
The Cable Guy: T'is!
Steven: Isn't!
The Cable Guy: T'is!

Chip Douglas: [eating chicken at Medieval Times] Can I have your skin?
Steven Kovacs: Sure.
Chip Douglas: Check this out.
[places pieces of chicken skin over his face]
Chip Douglas: Silence of the lambs!
[imitates Hannibal Lecter]
Chip Douglas: Hello, Clarice. It's good to see you again.
[bursts out laughing]
Steven Kovacs: Oh lord.

Steven Kovacs: Dammit. Son of a bitch! The cable's out.

Steven Kovacs: What's going on?
Chip Douglas: It appears that we're going to do battle, Steven.
Steven Kovacs: Is this a normal part of the show?
Chip Douglas: No, but I gave all the knights free cable. They thought it would be cool if we went at it for a while.
Steven Kovacs: Is it safe?
Chip Douglas: Sure, that's what the armor's for. Come on.

Steven Kovacs: You know, I'm embarassed to say this but I don't even know your name.
Chip Douglas: You really wanna know my name? You do?
Steven Kovacs: Sure.
Chip Douglas: [after pause] It's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip.
[Smiles at Steven]
Steven Kovacs: Um... Goodbye.

Steven Kovacs: Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else?
Rick: Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.

Chip Douglas: HI! Is there a problem with your service?
Steven Kovacs: Yeah, my cable is out.
Chip Douglas: [Presents a cut cord] Really? So you call me? Ha, funny how you call when you NEED something. Is that how you treat people?

Steven Kovacs: [Chip had hired a prostitute to entertain Steven] Just get out. I don't ever want to see you again. Robin is never going to forgive me!
Chip Douglas: Well I'll tell you how you handle that: DON'T TELL HER.

Steven Kovacs: What are you doing?
Chip Douglas: I'm just talking trash.
Steven Kovacs: You ruined the game.
Chip Douglas: I don't appreciate your tone, Steve. Friends aren't supposed to talk to each other that way...
Steven Kovacs: What are you talking about? We're not friends. I don't even know you.
Chip Douglas: Well let's change that. Let me buy you a Heineken.

Steven Kovacs: I hate you! Get out of my life!
Chip Douglas: He's projecting all of his anger onto me. Maybe I should go.
Robin Harris: No, don't go. Steven, you are being an asshole!

[Steven is in jail]
Chip Douglas: Hello, Steven, I came as soon as I could.
Steven Kovacs: What's your real name?
Chip Douglas: It's Larry Tate, but that's not what's important right now. We have to get you out of here. I was watching Court TV and I found a loophole in your case. I'm gonna talk to the judge about a writ of Habeas Corpus. I'll put the SYSTEM on trial.
Steven Kovacs: Why are you doing this to me?
Chip Douglas: I didn't do this to you, you did this to you.

[Chip is danging over a ledge above the giant cable dish]
Steven Kovacs: You'll be fine. I'll be your pal, just come on up!
Chip Douglas: No. It's too late for me, but there are alot of little cable boys and girls out there who STILL have a chance! Don't you understand, Steven? Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
[drops from ledge and freefalls towards dish]

Steven Kovacs: Guard! This is the guy who framed me. He set me up. Arrest him!
Chip Douglas: Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?
[Bernie gives him a thumbs up]
Chip Douglas: All right!

Rick: I have a list here of every cable installer fired in the last four years. Check out some of these names: Murray Slaughter, George Jetson, Jean Luc Picard, there's even a guy who liked to be called "The Big Ragu".
Steven Kovacs: Carmine from Laverne & Shirley.
Rick: That's so sad that you know that. Anyway, the cable company has just fired somebody six months ago named Darrin Stephens. You may remember his boss, Larry Tate, from a little show called Bewitched.
Steven Kovacs: So... He doesn't even work for the cable company.
Rick: Yahtzee! They booted his ass for stalking customers. This guy is deeply troubled. If I were you, I'd lock up *tight*.

Chip Douglas: It was my treat.
Steven Kovacs: What do you mean it was your treat?
Chip Douglas: You know, I bought this time. You buy next time... Don't let your eggs get cold.
Steven Kovacs: Buy what?
Chip Douglas: What do you mean 'buy what'? The women.
Steven Kovacs: [after pause] Do... do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?
Chip Douglas: Of course she is. You think a woman like that would hang out with us if we weren't paying her?

The Cable Guy: Cable Guy!
Steven Kovacs: [in the shower] Oh, shit!
The Cable Guy: Caable Guuuy!
Steven Kovacs: I'm coming!
[grabs a towel, heads for the door]
The Cable Guy: [yells] Caaable guuuy!
Steven Kovacs: Don't leave!
[Steven reaches the door, peeks outside]
The Cable Guy: [leaving, sounding angry] Jesu Cristo!

Steven: The cable guy is missing in action.
[talking with Rick on the phone]
Steven: Apparantly he is gonna be here between eight a.m. and my death.

Steven: I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she asked me to move out.