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Quotes for
Gaz (Character)
from The Full Monty (1997)

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The Full Monty (1997)
Gaz: Told 'ya, robbing pipes, that's all.
Police officer: Gary, my friend, no bugger robs pipes in the buff.
Gaz: We do. Don't get your clothes dirty, do you?
Police officer: Oh well, don't fret, gents. There's a right good laundry in Wakefield Prison!

Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] Drownin'. Now there's a way to go.
Lomper: I can't swim.
Gaz: Well you don't have to fucking swim, you divvy, that's the whole point. God, you're not very keen are you?
Lomper: Sorry...

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield: Folks don't laugh so loud when you've a grand in your back pocket.

Gaz: Y' know Dave, it's a thought...
Gerald: Ha! I could just see Little and Large prancing around Sheffield with their widges hanging out. Now that *would* be worth 10 quid...
Gaz: Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying...
Gerald: Widges on parade! Bring your own microscope!

Gaz: Gentlemen, the lunchbox has landed!

Gaz: I've got a degree in ass wiggling, mate.

Gaz: So, uh, Horse... What can you do?
Horse: I dunno, really... Let's see, there's the, uh... The bump, the stomp, the bus stop... Me breakdancing days are probably over, but there's always the funky chicken.

Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.
Lomper: Haven't got any mates...
Gary 'Gaz' Schofield: Listen to you, we just saved your fucking life so don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?
Lomper: Really?
Gary 'Gaz' Schofield: Yeah.
Lomper: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Dave: Yeah, me and all, I'd run ya down as soon as look at ya.
Lomper: Oh aye? Cheers.

[repeated line]
Gaz: Fookin' hell!

Gaz: I don't suppose you could lend us a jacket...
Dave: Oh, Gaz...
Gaz: Oh, come on, Dave, it's not for me, it's a funeral.
Dave: [pause] What color?
Gaz: [pause] Orange.
Dave: Orange?
Gaz: *Black* for fuck's sake!
Dave: Okay, go on, I'll meet you back doors.

[Gaz and Dave are waiting in Gerald's lawn for him to leave for work]
Dave: He's got gnomes.
Gaz: Aye, he bloody would have.

Gaz: On Sale for £4.99 and we're still a fuckin' fiver short!

[before the first rehearsal Gaz has hurtled off to find Dave, finding him working as a security guard in Asda]
Gaz: Dave! What are you doing?
Dave: What's it look like?
Gaz: We're on in two days time, where the fuck are you?
Dave: I'm here, working, earning, that's where. Not pissing about! End of chat!

Gaz: Off to Job Club then?
Gerald: As a matter of fact, yes I bloody well am!
[he turns to Dave, who is still holding one of his garden gnomes]
Gerald: Put that back! *PUT* it back!

Gaz: I need an audience
Dave: You need a doctor!

Gaz: Oh, fucking hell, Nath! They're 20 quid each them!

Gaz: [stuck with Dave on top of a car in the middle of a canal] Ey up, someone's coming.
Passer-By: All right?
Gaz: Aye, not so bad.
Dave: [after the Passer-by leaves] Not so bad? Not so bad? That's not much of a chuffing SOS is it?

Gerald: [Gerald is seated at a computer at Job Club accessing data while Gaz and the others are talking and playing cards and not filling out requested forms] Button it, you lot. Some of us are trying to get a job. Ey! And it says "No Smoking" in here!
Gary 'Gaz' Schofield: Aye, and it says "Job Club" up there. When was the last time you saw one of them fuckin' walk in? You forget, Gerald, you're not our foreman anymore. You're just like the rest of us: scrap.
Gerald: Shut it! Right?

Dave: [When presented with the first images of "Flashdance"] Hey, what's this? I didn't go on the nick in Asda for some chuffin' women's DYI video!
Gaz: It's "Flashdance", Dave. She's a welder, isn't she!
Dave: A welder? Well, I hope she dances better than she welds! I mean, look at that - her mix is all to cock!
Dave: Shut up, Dave. What the fuck do you know about welding, anyway?
Dave: More than some chuffin' woman! Arh, it's like Bonfire Night! That's too much acetylene, is that! Them joints will hold fuck all!
Gerald: Arh, for Christ's sake, Dave. We're looking for dancing, aren't we!
Gaz: He's got the hump about Asda!

Dave: [Gaz tries to convince Dave to steal a videotape] Why me?
Gaz: Because you've got an honest face, lad; I've got "serial killer" written on me forehead.

Gerald: You're always ahead there!
Gaz: You're always bloody behind, more like
Gerald: [to policeman] Can I borrow this?
[he rewinds the clipping of the CCTV showing their strip act]
Gerald: [to giggling police officers behind them] Shut up will ya? Watch
Police officer: [to Gaz] He's right. You're ahead.
Gaz: Bollocks!

Nathan: [Gaz is accompanying Nathan to school] I don't feel well.
Gaz: Of course you don't, you've got a hangover!