Oscar Martinez
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Quotes for
Oscar Martinez (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

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"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)
Creed Bratton: Hey, coz. Heard you're having money problems.
Michael Scott: No, you didn't.
Creed Bratton: Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed Bratton: [in confessional] Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to
[holds up a fake passport]
Creed Bratton: William Charles Schneider.
Michael Scott: How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed Bratton: You don't go by Monopoly, man. That game is *nuts*. Nobody just pick up Get Out of Jail Free cards. Those things cost thousands.
Michael Scott: That is a good point.
Creed Bratton: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start. It's a clean slate.
Michael Scott: Like the Witness Protection Program.
Creed Bratton: [simultaneously] Exactly.
Oscar Martinez: [simultaneously] Not at all.

Oscar: Hey. I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word "bankruptcy" and expect anything to happen.
Michael Scott: I didn't say it. I declared it.

Meredith: [talking about Michael] I can't believe he has a second job.
Oscar: He's not even good at his first one.

Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael Scott: Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?
Oscar: I know you heard me correctly.
Michael Scott: [sighs] Oh, I hate monkeys.

Ryan Howard: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan Howard: What?
Michael Scott: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan Howard: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael Scott: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim Halpert: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed Bratton: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy Bernard: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar Martinez: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

"The Office: Beach Games (#3.22)" (2007)
Oscar Martinez: If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see.

Michael Scott: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar Martinez: I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, you can't swim in leather pants.

"The Office: Blackmail: Oscar (#1.1)" (2009)
Creed Bratton: We're just two amigos having a little conversation. Comprende?
Oscar Martinez: Si lo comprendo.
Creed Bratton: What? Let's switch back to English.

Oscar Martinez: This is pathetic. You're pathetic.
Creed Bratton: Well, that's just plain mean, man.

"The Office: Sex Ed (#7.4)" (2010)
Andy Bernard: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on using...
[Stanely laughing]
Andy Bernard: ...this pencil.
Stanley Hudson: [laughs even harder] Oh, God!
Andy Bernard: What?
Oscar Martinez: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy Bernard: Well, I'm not going to use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.
Meredith Palmer: Come on. Give it a rest, pencil
Andy Bernard: I'm doing this for *you*, Meredith!
Meredith Palmer: I didn't want it!
Andy Bernard: Well, didn't you? Why didn't... Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?
[throws pizza against the wall and storms out of the conference room]

Andy Bernard: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Stanley Hudson: Not again.
Andy Bernard: What do you mean "again"?
Stanley Hudson: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy Bernard: Well, maybe like a year ago.
Stanley Hudson: Mmm. Seems recent.
Andy Bernard: No, that's...
Oscar Martinez: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy Bernard: Everyone, I've noticed that we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis Vance: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley Hudson: World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.
Oscar Martinez: That's right.
Andy Bernard: It's the world's only international sport, so...

"The Office: Gay Witch Hunt (#3.1)" (2006)
Oscar: Yes. I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company in Scranton. Much like Sir Ian McKellen.

Michael Scott: [Michael has called Oscar faggy without knowing Oscar is gay] Listen, man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
Oscar: Oh, it's fine. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Michael Scott: No. No. No, it's not. I just... I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way. You know? I'm just... I... I can't even imagine the thing... Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me how you do that to another dude.
Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.

"The Office: Stress Relief (#5.13)" (2009)
Oscar Martinez: I consider myself a good person, but I'm gonna try to make him cry.

Michael Scott: And I had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam Beesly: What?
Michael Scott: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.
[clears throat]
Michael Scott: Jim, you're 6'11", and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where's Angela? Well, there you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.
[Stanley starts to laugh]
Michael Scott: Oscar, you are...
[starts giggling]
Michael Scott: Oscar, you're gay.
Oscar Martinez: Wow.
Michael Scott: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

"The Office: Cafe Disco (#5.25)" (2009)
Michael Scott: Daddy's here, and Daddy is going to take care of you.
Oscar Martinez: Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.
Michael Scott: I am your big daddy, and I am going to kiss the boo-boo.

"The Office: Niagara: Part 2 (#6.5)" (2009)
Oscar Martinez: [Looking at Kevin fidgeting] What are you doing?
Kevin Malone: I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee.
Oscar Martinez: How long does it take you to pee?
Kevin Malone: The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.

"The Office: The Return (#3.13)" (2007)
Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gaycation?
Oscar: That's very funny.
Kevin: [Proudly smiles] Yeah? I thought of that like two seconds after you left.

"The Office: Business Ethics (#5.2)" (2008)
Oscar Martinez: Okay. Once in a while, I'll take a long lunch.
Michael Scott: A siesta.
Dwight Schrute: Time thief. Time thief. Fire him!
Jim Halpert: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?
Dwight Schrute: Never.
Michael Scott: You are a thief of joy.

"The Office: Nepotism (#7.1)" (2010)
Andy Bernard: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael Scott: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.
[starts drinking coffee]
Michael Scott: Mmm! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar Martinez: He messed yours up, too.
Darryl Philbin: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael Scott: It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

"The Office: Shareholder Meeting (#6.11)" (2009)
Oscar Martinez: So typical of management to spend money like this. Bunch of boobs.
Michael Scott: Hate to break it to you Oscar, but some of us like boobs.

"The Office: Local Ad (#4.5)" (2007)
Oscar: When I was younger, I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.

"The Office: The Fire (#2.4)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: [leading games during a fire drill] All right, let's move on. Let's move on to the main event, "Who would you do?"
Kevin: Present company excluded?
Jim Halpert: Not necessarily.
Kevin: Pam.
Oscar: Pam.
[cut to look of shock on Pam's face]
Jim Halpert: Um... Okay. You know what? Maybe I'll finish explaining the rules. Let me explain it first and then...

"The Office: Crime Aid (#5.4)" (2008)
Oscar Martinez: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want.
Angela Martin: Who would *ever* come to this?
Michael Scott: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be... uh, old person. I could be a looky-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan. What? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes, without saying... Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady, it seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy. There's really something going on...
Jim Halpert: [interrupts] Do you need us for any of this?
Michael Scott: ...Do I?

"The Office: Two Weeks (#5.19)" (2009)
Oscar Martinez: [about Michael] And just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone.

"The Office: Moroccan Christmas (#5.10)" (2008)
[during the intervention, Michael reads questions to Meredith]
Michael Scott: "Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?"
Oscar Martinez: Where did you get this?
Michael Scott: I got it on a website. That's not important.

"The Office: Blood Drive (#5.16)" (2009)
Michael Scott: Where's Andy?
Oscar Martinez: He's on one of his honeymoons.
Michael Scott: What?
Oscar Martinez: He made nonrefundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot-air ballooning, and later he's got a couples' massage.

"The Office: Branch Wars (#4.6)" (2007)
Oscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

"The Office: Conflict Resolution (#2.21)" (2006)
Michael Scott: Okay. So this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings, using "I" emotion language, and no judging or "you" statements.
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas and I feel I want to see it every day. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Come on. Seriously, that?
Oscar: I don't like looking at it. it's creepy and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art, it destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hard-core porn.

"The Office: Chair Model (#4.10)" (2008)
[first lines]
Pam Beesly: W. B. Jones is renovating their offices, and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Jim Halpert: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot
[tilts head]
Jim Halpert: over there.
Pam Beesly: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Jim Halpert: Nature!
Oscar Martinez: I've been here nine years, now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
Andy Bernard: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar!
Kevin Malone: [on the ground, rubbing his feet and crying angrily] I will quit. As God as my witness *I will quit*
Kevin Malone: if this is not fixed!
Pam Beesly: Some of us like the walk more than others.
Kevin Malone: [off-screen] Hurts like hell...

"The Office: Diversity Day (#1.2)" (2005)
Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico. And they moved to the United States a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States. My parents were Mexican.
Michael Scott: Wow. Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides "Mexican" that you prefer? Something less offensive?

"The Office: Blackmail: Pay Day (#1.4)" (2009)
Oscar Martinez: On several occasions, you have thrown raves in our warehouse! Notice Creed Bratton, known to the kids as Papa Smurf.

"The Office: Baby Shower (#5.3)" (2008)
Andy Bernard: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
[Angela rolls her eyes]
Jan Levinson: Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.
Angela Martin: You gave birth in a *tub*?
Jan Levinson: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...
Kelly Kapoor: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?
Jan Levinson: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
Creed Bratton: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan Levinson: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed Bratton: [shakes his head] Ugh...
Stanley Hudson: I'm done.
[walks out]
Oscar Martinez: Me too.
[follows Stanley]

"The Office: Job Fair (#4.13)" (2008)
Michael Scott: [after Pam has walked away] I would never say this to her face, but she's a wonderful person and a gifted artist.
Oscar Martinez: What... why wouldn't you say that to her face?

"The Office: The Outburst: The Investigation (#1.2)" (2008)
Kevin Malone: Listen you! I am so angry at you, I can't even...
[Hangs up phone]
Kevin Malone: If I tell you mine, will you tell me yours?
Oscar Martinez: No.
Kevin Malone: Damn it!

"The Office: Drug Testing (#2.20)" (2006)
Dwight Schrute: [thinking Oscar has once been a potential drug mule] Have you ever pooped a balloon?
Oscar: Okay, I'm done with this.
[OScar exits]
Dwight Schrute: [to the camera] He sure left in a hurry.

"The Office: The Dundies (#2.1)" (2005)
Oscar: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party. And you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there, but the kid's having a really good time, so you... You're kind of there. That's... That's kind of what it's like.

"The Office: Launch Party (#4.3)" (2007)
Stanley Hudson: You find anything?
Kevin Malone: We think it's a straightforward kidnapping.
Oscar Martinez: Stanley, could you look up accomplices?
Stanley Hudson: Why can't you guys do it?
Oscar Martinez: Because we're looking up jail time.

"The Office: Basketball (#1.5)" (2005)
[Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches]
Oscar: I can help out if you need me.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season. Or if we box.

"The Office: Double Date (#6.9)" (2009)
Dwight Schrute: What's going on in here?
Oscar Martinez: Andy bought lunch.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no, really?
Andy Bernard: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
Dwight Schrute: There is no book; there's only a survival guide.