Stanley Hudson
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Quotes for
Stanley Hudson (Character)
from "The Office" (2005)

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"The Office: Did I Stutter? (#4.12)" (2008)
Michael Scott: I don't understand why you keep picking on me.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, for the love of God.
Michael Scott: You just do, and I don't know why, so please help me understand.
Stanley Hudson: Fine. Here it is. You are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods and style, everything you do, I would do it the opposite way.
Michael Scott: Well, Stanley, maybe you are feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.
Stanley Hudson: Michael, I've known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I have come to respect you. Any other theories?
Michael Scott: All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me. You can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.
Stanley Hudson: Fair enough.

Stanley: Did I stutter?

Michael Scott: Stanley Hudson, you are fired.
Stanley: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: I am serious. We are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.

Stanley Hudson: It's like I used to tell my wife. "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one, too.

"The Office: Beach Games (#3.22)" (2007)
[before the Hot Dog eating contest]
Stanley Hudson: I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.

Michael Scott: Everybody, may I have you attention, please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, sweet mother of God.
Michael Scott: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Stanley Hudson: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: Or the front of the bus or drive the bus.

Michael Scott: [choosing team names for the company's beach day] We are going to choose team names. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim Halpert: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight Schrute: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight Schrute: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim Halpert: [with his team, while Dwight tells them not to] Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort.
Michael Scott: Idiots. Idiots. Okay, okay. Stanley, your team name?
Stanley: I don't care what you name my team.
Michael Scott: Then I will name your team the Red Team.
Stanley: No, the Blue Team.

"The Office: Branch Wars (#4.6)" (2007)
Michael Scott: Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?
Stanley: I think it's because of my sales record.
Michael Scott: That could not possibly be it.

Michael Scott: How can I get you to stay?
Stanley: Money.
Michael Scott: Yeah. We all want money. But there is none in the budget. So, tell me why you're really leaving.
Stanley: Money.
Michael Scott: Mo' money, mo' problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were...
Stanley: Money.

Stanley: I wasn't really planning on leaving. All I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius?
Stanley: Sometimes I say crazy things.

"The Office: The Fight (#2.6)" (2005)
Angela: [as Angela, Stanley, Toby and Pam are forging Michael's signature] This is illegal.
Stanley Hudson: I don't care.

Stanley Hudson: I don't want to stay until 7:00 again this year.
Pam Beesly: I don't really have any control over that, Stanley.
[both look toward Michael's office]
Pam Beesly: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once every year, it all falls on the same Friday. That's today. I call it the perfect storm.

"The Office: Sex Ed (#7.4)" (2010)
Andy Bernard: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on using...
[Stanely laughing]
Andy Bernard: ...this pencil.
Stanley Hudson: [laughs even harder] Oh, God!
Andy Bernard: What?
Oscar Martinez: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy Bernard: Well, I'm not going to use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.
Meredith Palmer: Come on. Give it a rest, pencil
Andy Bernard: I'm doing this for *you*, Meredith!
Meredith Palmer: I didn't want it!
Andy Bernard: Well, didn't you? Why didn't... Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?
[throws pizza against the wall and storms out of the conference room]

Andy Bernard: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Stanley Hudson: Not again.
Andy Bernard: What do you mean "again"?
Stanley Hudson: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy Bernard: Well, maybe like a year ago.
Stanley Hudson: Mmm. Seems recent.
Andy Bernard: No, that's...
Oscar Martinez: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy Bernard: Everyone, I've noticed that we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis Vance: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley Hudson: World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.
Oscar Martinez: That's right.
Andy Bernard: It's the world's only international sport, so...

"The Office: Fun Run (#4.1)" (2007)
Michael Scott: Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could...
[ominous pause]
Michael Scott: And she is going to be okay.
Stanley Hudson: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?

Michael Scott: [discussing rides to visit Meredith] All right, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?
Stanley Hudson: You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael Scott: Everyone inside the car was *fine*, Stanley!

"The Office: Baby Shower (#5.3)" (2008)
Stanley Hudson: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Andy Bernard: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
[Angela rolls her eyes]
Jan Levinson: Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.
Angela Martin: You gave birth in a *tub*?
Jan Levinson: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...
Kelly Kapoor: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?
Jan Levinson: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
Creed Bratton: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan Levinson: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed Bratton: [shakes his head] Ugh...
Stanley Hudson: I'm done.
[walks out]
Oscar Martinez: Me too.
[follows Stanley]

"The Office: Money (#4.4)" (2007)
Stanley: [on the phone] When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats, drinking red wine, watching my mystery stories the last thing in the whole godforsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.

[In the conference room, the office workers are discussing the correct use of 'whoever' vs. 'whomever']
Kevin Malone: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan Howard: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin Malone: I don't know.
Pam Beesly: It's 'whom' when it's the object of the sentence and 'who' when it's the subject.
Phyllis Lapin: That sounds right.
Michael Scott: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?
Ryan Howard: As an object.
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan used *me* as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that...?
Pam Beesly: How did he use it again?
Toby Flenderson: It was... Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object...
Michael Scott: Thank you!
Toby Flenderson: whomever, meaning us, the indirect object... which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael Scott: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

"The Office: Launch Party (#4.3)" (2007)
Kelly Kapoor: [after Michael reads out a memo] That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael Scott: No, it doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley Hudson: Yes, please let us know.

Stanley Hudson: You find anything?
Kevin Malone: We think it's a straightforward kidnapping.
Oscar Martinez: Stanley, could you look up accomplices?
Stanley Hudson: Why can't you guys do it?
Oscar Martinez: Because we're looking up jail time.

"The Office: Grief Counseling (#3.4)" (2006)
Michael Scott: [talking about Ed Truck's death] Can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.
Phyllis: Okay, that's enough.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley: We do not want to hear about this.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what? I didn't want to hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... Wham! His cappa is detated from his head.
Stanley: You have just spit on my face.

"The Office: Christmas Party (#2.10)" (2005)
Phyllis: Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: What line of work you in, Bob?

"The Office: The Promotion (#6.3)" (2009)
Jim Halpert: What was the last thing Michael said before I came in here?
Stanley Hudson: If you don't smell this, you're fired.

"The Office: Business Ethics (#5.2)" (2008)
Holly Flax: Can anyone think of examples of things that are over-the-line time wasters?
Stanley Hudson: This meeting.

"The Office: Nepotism (#7.1)" (2010)
Michael Scott: [about Luke's laser] Okay, can I have that?
Luke Cooper: No.
Michael Scott: Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Michael Scott: Five, four.
[Luke counts with him]
Michael Scott: I'm not kidding.
Luke Cooper: Three, two, one.
[Luke still mocking Michael with the counting]
Michael Scott: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Luke Cooper: No!
Michael Scott: [bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the...
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke Cooper: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke Cooper: Hey,
Luke Cooper: this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good?
[Luke runs out crying]
Michael Scott: You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Kevin Malone: That was awesome!
Stanley Hudson: Texas justice.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Creed Bratton: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim Halpert: You follow him on Twitter?

"The Office: Traveling Salesmen (#3.12)" (2007)
Stanley Hudson: Pass.
Michael Scott: You can't pass. You gotta pick somebody.
Stanley Hudson: [looks around] I'll take the kid.
Ryan Howard: [in the confessional] I'm very flattered. I was his second choice after "pass."

"The Office: Local Ad (#4.5)" (2007)
Michael Scott: Now this gentleman right here
[indicates Stanley]
Michael Scott: is the key to our... urban vibe.
Stanley Hudson: Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems "urban" to you?

"The Office: Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager (#7.23)" (2011)
[Dwight comes in the conference room in a cowboy costume after shooting off a gun in the office]
Dwight Schrute: Yee-haw! Woo-hoo!
[Dwight imitates a six-gun firing in the air]
Dwight Schrute: [in Wild West accent] Howdy, partners. It's me, Gun Safety Dwight. And I'm the rootin'-est...
[Stops, takes off his cowboy hat and speaks normally]
Dwight Schrute: I can't do this. Um, look, obviously a gun went off under my watch and I'm launching a full investigation.
Stanley Hudson: We all saw you do it.

"The Office: Gossip (#6.1)" (2009)
Stanley Hudson: Cynthia has been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill.

"The Office: The Job (#3.23)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: What is the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley Hudson: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

"The Office: (#7.9)" (2010)
Stanley Hudson: Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.

"The Office: Halloween (#2.5)" (2005)
Dwight Schrute: Stanley, could you come with me please?
Stanley Hudson: No.
Dwight Schrute: As Assistant Regional Manager...
Stanley Hudson: "To the".

"The Office: Take Your Daughter to Work Day (#2.18)" (2006)
Stanley: [believing that Ryan is after his 8th grade daughter] That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
Ryan Howard: Yes, sir.
Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.
Ryan Howard: [outside] Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

"The Office: Golden Ticket (#5.17)" (2009)
Stanley Hudson: I've got a golden-ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?

"The Office: Chair Model (#4.10)" (2008)
[in the sitting area, writing down the numbers of women to set Michael up with]
Stanley Hudson: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
Phyllis Lapin: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway. He can just deal with it.
Pam Beesly: Who are you putting down?
Jim Halpert: Oh, you don't know her.
Pam Beesly: Who is it?
Jim Halpert: Your mom.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, whatever.
[Jim smiles and shows her the card]
Pam Beesly: Give that to me! Give that to me.

"The Office: Diversity Day (#1.2)" (2005)
Stanley Hudson: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley Hudson: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: That doesn't really make any sense. 'Cause you don't call them collard people. That's offensive.

"The Office: Sexual Harassment (#2.2)" (2005)
Michael Scott: Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic school girl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, the best part of my morning is staring at it. But what, are we gonna just take it away?
Stanley Hudson: That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girl's school. I'm taking it down right now.

"The Office: Livin' the Dream (#9.21)" (2013)
Andy Bernard: [standing in the middle of the office with his guitar, Lorelei] Everybody, Lorelei and I would like to say thank you and goodbye the only way we know how.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, good Lord.
Stanley Hudson: [dryly] Can't you just leave?

"The Office: A Benihana Christmas (#3.10)" (2006)
Michael Scott: [Carol exits office after breaking up with Michael] I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled.
Stanley Hudson: You can't cancel a holiday.
Michael Scott: Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.
Stanley Hudson: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: [voice starting to break] Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

"The Office: The Carpet (#2.14)" (2006)
Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well, I hated it, a lot, okay.

"The Office: Safety Training (#3.19)" (2007)
Dwight Schrute: Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy Bernard: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy Bernard: Okay, when's the shunning thing going to end?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him *die*.
Stanley Hudson: Is it nice outside?
Dwight Schrute: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley Hudson: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight Schrute: No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!
Ryan Howard: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee?
Dwight Schrute: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

"The Office: The Injury (#2.12)" (2006)
Michael Scott: [holds up his injured foot, which is wrapped in plastic] What does this look like to you, Stanley?
Stanley: Mail Boxes Etc.

"The Office: Office Olympics (#2.3)" (2005)
Jim Halpert: Stanley, I just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you? You got any games?
Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college."
Jim Halpert: Fair enough.

"The Office: Night Out (#4.11)" (2008)
Stanley Hudson: [the office workers find the gate has been locked] Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?
Jim Halpert: Nope. I didn't. But let's go inside and I can call him right now.
Pam Beesly: We can't. I locked the office from the inside when we left.
Stanley Hudson: Perfect. You guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead.

"The Office: Casino Night (#2.22)" (2006)
Michael Scott: I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Stanley: Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael Scott: Shut it, shut it, shut it.